I will not give up my tank.
There was an interesting item in the news today from Oregon. According to the Oregon State Police, a 58-year-old man who purchased a 1969 Chieftain tank accidently drove it across U.S. Highway 101 and crashed through a guardrail. He tried again and the tank rolled backward through another guardrail and down an embankment. The police cited the owner for reckless driving and first-degree criminal mischief. The tank had no damage. Duh! Rumor has it that the owner said he needed it for deer hunting. I have seen the question on some military web sites whether it is lawful to own a tank. There you have it. Yes, you have the constitutional right to own a tank. You don’t need to know how to drive it in Oregon. Texas might consider it a concealed weapon. The story reminded me of an incident that happened at Ft. Knox when I was attending the Armor Officer Advance Course in the early 70s. The annual Armor Conference was held there, and the Military Police were told to cut people some slack. A Charge of Quarters called the MPs to a barracks because one soldier was drunk and rowdy. When the MPs told him to cool it, he threatened to steal a tank and drive through the MP headquarters. The MP ignored the threat. The soldier went to the motor pool and stole a tank. The motor pool was guarded by soldiers with baseball bats; a policy that soon changed. The soldier drove through the gate and over to the MP station. He mistook the snack bar for the station (did I mention he was drunk?) and smashed the tank into the brick structure. Realizing his mistake, he backed up over some parked cars and smashed into the MP station. Of course, by that time the MPs were alerted and had released the prisoners and evacuated the building. He then drove around the post in this tank. Finally, when he stopped for a red light, an MP jumped out and put a gun to his head. Everyone at the Armor Conference thought it was hilarious. People went over to the MP station and picked up bricks as souvenirs. For years afterwards, those bricks were seen all over post as paperweights. The soldier got off with just a reprimand. He had become a folk hero.For more humor, purchase my collection of short stories, Monte's Shorts, http://smashwsords.com/b/214041.
Rob #Ford, Mayor of Toronto, is in the news again. Should I say still? The man is in a downward political death spiral. He is like the Energizer Bunny; he just goes on and on and on. I would follow a leader like Ford just to see what he does next. You may recall that Ford confessed to using cocaine but was not charged. He has stayed in office and refused to resign. You must admit that the man is a charmer. The newest revelation is that he attempted to buy the video of him smoking crack and using heroin. Apparently, he offered $5,000 and a car in exchange for the video. The owner of the video held out for more money through blackmail. #NigellaLawson, celebrity chef and drug user, has now admitted on Wednesday to drug use in her “past.” I wrote earlier that you could expect a confession and now here it is. You can expect more revelations, more confessions, a public apology, “intensive rehab”, etc. She denied being a habitual drug user. Denial is part of the pattern. General Martin Dempsey, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, warned teens about the damage that can come from showing bad or illegal behavior online. Duh! That should apply to everyone. I wrote about the use of e-mail and social media in my e-book, Leadership for New Managers: Book Two, http://smashwords.com/b/300090.
Eye of the needle?
I read with interest Robert Ellsberg’s article on CNN. He was writing in response to Rush Limbaugh’s calling Pope Francis a Marxist. Ellsberg pointed out that nowhere in the 50,000-word document, do the words "capitalism" and "socialism" appear. I suspect that “Marxism” does not appear either. Limbaugh logic would dictate that if you criticize any part of capitalism, you must be a Marxist. Using the same Limbaugh logic, Limbaugh would label Jesus a Marxist or a socialist or even a Democrat.
You may recall that Jesus said (Mark 19: 23-26) that “...it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.” Also in Mark 10:17-31, Jesus told the rich man, “...sell all that you have and give to the poor...” I predict that Rush Limbaugh will host a TV special where he will demonstrate how to step through the eye of a needle and then turn around and give all his wealth to the poor. If he does not, then he is certainly not a Christian: he is a capitalist. Some historians have pointed out that the small door set inside of a large door at the entrance of a town was called the “eye of the needle.” It allowed people in one at a time after locking the large door. A camel would have to get on its knees and crawl through - a difficult maneuver. I don’t know it that is what Jesus was referring to. I doubt it.
I read somewhere that writers should have a pen name. I can’t decide between “Bic” and “Le Blanc.” Any suggestions?
Michael Stern, a reader, pointed out that I failed to mention Kansas in my blog about Fifty Shades of Grey spin offs. (Check my archives for Dec 2) He suggested, Kansas: The original screenplay about a man and woman who died of boredom on I-70. Very funny. I lived in Kansas for four years. Thanks Mike.
#Pope Francis released a new document in which he calls for church reforms and criticizing certain ideas of capitalism. Immediately, Vatican expert* and self-educated expert on capitalism, Rush #Limbaugh blasted the Pope, calling the statement “pure Marxism.” Limbaugh went on to say, "It's sad because this pope makes it very clear he doesn't know what he's talking about when it comes to capitalism and socialism and so forth.”
Damnation! All the Archbishops of the world elected a pope who is not an expert on capitalism*. What were they thinking? So, Pope Francis is an expert on God, faith and poverty. Is that all? Are all the experts on capitalism godless people or did they reject the offer?
I am sure that Limbaugh read the Vatican document in the original Latin. It is clear, using “Limbaugh logic,” that if you are against any aspect of capitalism, such as poverty, you must therefore be a Marxist. QED (quod erat demonstrandum, for you non-Latin speaking capitalists. It means, "Which had to be demonstrated".) If we have learned anything from this recession, we have learned that capitalism is alive and well and not in need of any reform. Just ask any Republican.
CNN reports that it is possible to over dose on caffeine. Thank goodness. Not I can justify why I drink coffee.
The Republican National Committee issued a statement to honor Rosa Parks. In the statement, the RNC declared that she helped end racism. The fact that racism had ended years ago came as a shock to many people. The RNC retracted or corrected the statement nearly four hours later. Maybe the RNC should have asked Rush Limbaugh to write the statement.*
*Sarcasm for the humorously challenged.
I da ho? Funny.
When someone writes a bestselling book or screenplay, there are unscrupulous modifiers who will try to produce a knock-off or spin-off from the title. Fifty Shades of Grey, the erotic romance by E. L. James, is one such best seller (and soon to be a movie). You have seen the knock-offs using the title. Nebraska is a 2013 drama film starring Bruce Dern and Will Forte. I expect to see the knock-offs soon. Not to be out done, I have come up with a few of my own: Fifty Spades A Day: A novel about a down on his luck gambler who makes a deal with the devil. Shifty Shades of Bray: A novel about the sleazy world of conservative talk show hosts. Fifty Shades of Hey: Learn how to say” hello” in fifty languages. Fifty Grades of Pay: The how-to-book for setting up pay scales in a start-up company. A must read for CFOs. Fifty Grades of Hay: A DIY manual for the hay farmer. Fifty Shades of Cray: The complete anglers’ handbook of crayfish. Fifty Shades of Greyhounds: A picture book of the various colors of greyhounds. Fifty Shades of Bay: Another picture book of fifty pictures of San Francisco Bay taken in the shade. Nifty Ways to Pray: No explanation needed here. Fifty Shades of Day: The unauthorized and unofficial biography of Doris Day. Thirty-One Days in May: I got nothing. I want to get ahead of the curve on Nebraska. Here are the screenplays I hope to write soon: Wyoming: You will be caught up in the action as a notorious gang of teenagers goes around tipping over cows. Idaho: This heart-wrenching movie is about a prostitute who joins Ho Anonymous and finally realized who she is. Montana: This documentary follows a family in Montana as they watch the grass grow. North Dakoda: This action packed movie is about an archeologist who digs up a dinosaur only to discover that it is not dead. South Dakoda: You will laugh your butt off as you watch the hijinks of a news reporter as she tries to change the name of the Black Hills to the African-American Hills.
You are a riot!
While I was thinking about something to write in my blog today, I realized that, like many of you, I am waiting on several issues in the news:
*Sarcasm for the humorously challenged.
- the trial of the Boston Marathon bomber.
- for Rob Ford, Mayor of Toronto, to resign or to be charged for cocaine use or both.
- the confession followed by public apology followed by “intensive rehab” of Nigella Lawson, celebrity chef.
- for Mike #Tyson to stop giving advice.
- for Alex #Baldwin to say something nice.
- for #ChrisBrown to graduate with honors from his anger management class.*
- for the trial of the San Hose State University students who put a bike lock on the neck of their roommate.
- for the entertainment industry to start taking drug abuse seriously and to start requiring random drug testing on celebrities.
- for #Congress to accomplish anything this year.
- for Congress to make passing a drug test a requirement for office.
- for #Republicans to come up with a health plan alternative.
- for #Democrats to stop chasing skirts.
- for me to make some money selling my books.
- the #SecretService to make celibacy a requirement for employment.
- for #Egypt to write a democratic constitution that separates church from state.
- for #NorthKorea to start acting like a mature country.
- for coach #DennisRodman to coach the North Korean basketball team to an Olympic gold medal (or be executed)*.
- for the Washington #Redskins to drop the name “Redskins” and change mascots. They should drop “Washington” too. I recommend a contest to pick a name.
- for some employer to admit that I am just too attractive to hire.*
- for the #NSA or #CIA to return some of my e-mails that just “disappeared” a few years ago. They know which ones.
#Thanksgiving has been my favorite holiday for many years. I like it because:
1. You do not have to send out cards if you don’t want to.
2. You do not have to buy gifts.
3. It is all about food.
4. It is all about family and friends.
5. It is all about football.
6. It is all about parades.
7. It falls on a Thursday so many folks get a four-day weekend.
8. It is the start of the Christmas season with shopping and putting up outdoor lights.
9. There is leftover turkey for the next three days.
10. There may be turkey pilaf, hot turkey sandwiches, cold turkey sandwiches, and/or turkey hash for the next week.
Another rich, good-looking celebrity is accused of using cocaine and marijuana. Ho-hum. Who care? The rich and famous can afford the cocaine and marijuana. There rest of us are stuck with alcohol and coffee (my personal choice). #NigellaLawson, celebrity chef is accused by her ex, Charles
Saatchi, of allowing her personal assistants to spend as much as £100,000 a month on credit
cards, as long as they were quiet about her cocaine use. That sure jacks up the price of cocaine. You can expect the usual confession, public apology, “intensive rehab”, etc. Nigella and Charles divorced after a picture of Charles choking Nigella made the front-page news. Now, it turns out that he was merely trying to keep her from inhaling cocaine.
#MikeTyson is still talking. He told #PiersMorgan on Piers Morgan Live that Obamacare "...just really went horrible.” Now there’s a man whose opinion I really respect.* I do not want to belittle the man’s intelligence.* I am sure he is an expert* on healthcare, but mainly I do not want him to get mad at me. The only time I am interested in Tyson’s opinion is when he says to me, “Punk! I am going to kick your ass.”
*Sarcasm (I need to add this asterisk for those of you who have difficulty identifyi .
Pardon the turkey?
President #Obama, following White House tradition pardoned a turkey on
Wednesday. The turkey’s name was Kathleen #Sebelius, the Health Secretary.
He also pardoned a couple of birds.
Recently CNN reported that the #CIA recruited #spies from the terrorists held at the #Guantanamo Bay prison. That the CIA tries to recruit double agents comes as no surprise. Anyone who watches TV knows that. It is the fact that the CIA revealed
it now that has people puzzled. Why would the CIA publically acknowledge that?
&I don’t understand why people can’t figure this out. We know that some of these detainees will return to their terrorist organizations and resume their activities when released. It has happened. To counter this, the CIA states that it has recruited double agents. Now no terrorist organization will accept them back. Very simple.
I get these random thoughts and I don’t know where they come from - perhaps from the voices in my head. You need not worry about the voices in my head; I don’t pay any attention to them. However, the voices in your head are beginning to annoy me.
Schofield Barracks on #Oahu instituted a fashion police "Courtesy Patrol" to crack down on civilian and off-duty soldier attire. We old timers know that courtesy patrols are not new. In the past, they focused more on picking up drunken soldiers and sailors to keep them out of the civilian jails. I suspect that this is still one of the missions of the courtesy patrol. The more things change the more they stay the same.
The perennial red buckets for charities are coming out. I suppose that in every city there is a
volunteer supervisor who has a list of the locations of all the buckets. You may have guessed it already: it is called the “Bucket List.” Oh, you saw that coming?
#BlackFriday has arrived on Thursday this year. I suppose that Friday the 13th will move to Thursday too.
CNN reported today that a man on fire walked into a church seeking help. Police suspect that the man may not have been on fire when he walked into the church but burst into flame after he was struck by lightning upon entering the church. That would confirm the suspicions of many people who have avoided church for that very reason. (Too soon?)
The F-word is racial?
It’s official now - the F-word, or least that variation of it that ends in “er” is a
racist word and politically correct and/or sensitive people can no longer use
In a recent research study, an ethnic groups called the F*#%ers has been
identified. Genealogists were surprised at their findings and how this ethnic
group survived so long without recognition as a distinct ethnic family.
Apparently, they have existed in plain sight for centuries all over the world.
They blend in well since they are not of any distinct color or do they have any
distinguishing features. There are mother F*#%ers, father F*#%ers, little F*#%ers, and even stupid F*#%ers. The stupid, mother F*#%er, a much rarer variation, also exists.
Many live and work in Washington D. C., but researcher found them in most state capitals. Many elected officials are F*#%ers. A disproportional number work for the DMV in most states. They seem to be attracted to jobs that require a great deal of red tape and bureaucracy. They are well suited for managerial positions.
Few actually acknowledge that they belong to the ethnic group, but there is no doubt that they are F*#%ers. One researcher, who asked not to be identified for fear he might turn out to be a F*#%er, says that he is happy that the work to identify all the F*#%ers can now begin because many of the F*#%ers do not know that they belong to the family of F*#%ers.
We welcome this latest ethnic group and wish them well. In all fairness, it would not be correct to label someone as a F*#%er until the genealogists complete their work. However, many F*#%ers are self-evident by their life style. Research will confirm this one way or another.
PS. During my research, one of the genealogists checked my DNA, and it turns out that I am a
F*#%er too. What a surprise. Who knew?
If you like my humor, check out my collection of short stories, Montes Shorts at http://smas
I am about 2,000 words behind in the National Novel Writing Month Contest. I am writing an historical novel based on the Maccebees from the Old Testament. I will be brief today.
The November 25 issue of New York
magazine had an article about several heists involving food. These included 140,000 lbs. of walnuts in November in California; 26,000 lbs. of frozen chicken wings in January in Georgia; $75,000 worth of Campbell’s soup in Florida; 195 bottles of bourbon in October in Kentucky; 3,000 cartons of hamburger patties in April in New Jersey; and 42,000 lbs. of Muenster cheese in March in Wisconsin. Duh! Come on people. It’s a potluck BBQ! Just connect the opposite points; where they intersect is the location of the BBQ. Bring buns if you are coming - we forgot them. (Oh, and ice)
The #FAA is going to allow passengers to use their cell phones while airplanes are in flight. I hope that does not include pilots.
#Psychic Sylvia Browne died. I guess she predicted that.
I saw an article on CNN about a UK company that is making underwear that filters out farts. The product is called Shreddies
. Sometimes when you hear about a new innovation, you just know it is
something that you need.
The #WillisBuilding in Chicago challenged the #OneWorldTradeCenter in New York City about whose was bigger. One World Trade Center won out. I guess size does matter.
For more humor, see my e-book, Monte's Shorts, http://smashwords.com/b/214041