The Federal Administration of Red Tape (FART). This is a large department that creates government jobs by requiring an endless set of requirements for paperwork. With the closing of this department, all government departments will have to use streamline procedures. It is estimated that three million trees will be saved.
Officialdom of Mumbo-Jumbo in Government (OMG). This is another large department that creates official jargon to be used in government documents. This is the office that created the word “problematic’ to be used in place of “problem” and “methodology” instead of “method”. Until this department reopens, all departments will be forced to speak in plain language. Some officials will be unable to speak at all.
The Office of Flying Unknowns (TOFU). This office handles all UFO reports and has responsibility for Area 51 at Edwards Air Force Base. Until further notice, the government will not receive any reports of UFOs.
The Department of Onerous Fabrication in the US (DOOFUS). This department has the responsibility for the development of fake news and alternative facts and sending it to the POTUS. During its closure, no fake news will be created by the government or the POTUS. Only news networks will be able to create fake news. Fox News reports to this office.
The Warehouse for Tremendous Facts (WTF). This little know entity houses all the data that is gathered by the #CIA and #NSA. Its affectionately referred to as the Home of the SS (Super Snoopers). Until further notice, the government will not gather and keep recordings of telephone calls, emails or other electronic transmissions.
The Bureau of Gerrymandering in the US (BOGUS). This secretive office is responsible for redrawing all political voting boundaries to favor the party in power. Until reopened, every state will have to have honest and open elections.
The Central Office of Censorship (COC). This office determines what words can be used by government agencies such as the CDC. Without this office, the government is self-censored (not self-centered).
The Regional Offices of Balanced Budgets, Efficiency and Restraint (ROBBER). Each region of the US has one of these offices. They come under control of the Congressional Budget Office. In reality, these offices have not been staffed for years.
The Bureau for Ludicrous Taxation (BLT). This department has the job of rewriting and revising all the tax codes to make them ambiguous, distorted and impossible to understand. Until reopened, EZ1040s will not be available. Hopefully, this open will reopen in time for tax season.
The Office for Sexual Harassment (OSH). This office is understaffed and overwhelmed. It usually has one employee. Without guidance from this office, congressmen will continue sexual harassment unabated until it reopens.
The Congressional Office for Ethical Development (COED). This is another office that hasn’t been staffed for years. Reopening the government will have little effect or no on ethics.
The Executive Management for POTUS Twitter & Yahoo (EMPTY). This is a newly created office and is grossly understaffed. Without it, President Trump can pretty much say whatever he wants on Twitter.
Bureaucratic Fact Finder (BFF). This is a newly created office that is also grossly understaffed and overwhelmed. Its jurisdiction never extended to the Office of the President. It may not reopen once the government is funded again. Apparently, not one cares what the facts are.
The Agency for Three Letter Acronyms and Sham Technology (ATLAST). This office awards three letter acronyms for various programs. Without it, there will be a proliferation of four or even five letter acronyms.
I hope this short list will clear up which government offices are closed.
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