A few years ago, I wrote an exposé that blew the lid off the code of silence of the brotherhood of men. As a member of the male gender for as long as I can remember, I could no longer abide with the cover up and fraud that men have perpetuated upon women. At the risk of losing my subscription to Esquire Magazine, I debunked the myths and misconceptions of the mystique of manhood. It was a tell all, name names (like Thomas, Richard and Harry) and scandalous mea culpa. Sorry guys, but it was time. In case you missed it, I’m reposting it now. (Also. I don’t have anything else to post.) It’s too long for my usual blog, so I will post it in two parts. Here is Part 1.

Myth Number 1: Men leave the toilet seat up as a way of marking their territory.
The Truth: Men can’t remember to put the seat down. At an early age, men learn not to pee on the toilet lid and/or seat, so they remember to raise them. However, whenever men manage to get 80% of their urine into the toilet, they are so proud of themselves that they forget to put the seat down.

Myth Number 2: Men will never admit when they are wrong.
The Truth: Okay, I got nothing. This one is true. Wait! Did I just admit that I was wrong? Maybe there is something here. I’ll get back to you on this. Men don’t like to be embarrassed in front of women (not a myth).

Myth Number 3: Men have an unerring sense of direction and won’t admit when they’re lost.
The Truth: Men are no better at directions than women are. There, I said it! Why don’t men admit when they are lost and ask for directions? See Myth Number 2. When driving alone, men will seek out another brother and ask for directions. Some men will drive around for hours hoping their female passenger will recognize a landmark.

Myth Number 3: Men like to BBQ.
The Truth: This one is easy to debunk. Men like meat and will eat almost any meat whether it’s cooked or not. The truth is that since men came out of caves walking upright, fire has fascinated them. Sometimes men will go out and start the grill just to watch it burn without anything cooking.

Myth Number 4: Men are poor dressers.
The Truth: Not True! Men know how to dress. However, men do like to be the center of attention. The best way to do that is to wear something inappropriate. Men have been known to wear black socks with sandals just to get attention from significant others (and daughters).

Myth Number 5: Men don’t like Opera.
The Truth: Absolutely not true. Men admire opera. We thought her show was good, and her O Magazine has articles that even men can enjoy. Oh, wait. Did I say Opera? I meant to say Oprah. My bad. Sorry. Never mind.

Myth Number 6: Men have trouble expressing their feelings.
The Truth: Bull crap! Men have no problem expressing their feelings ...to other men. Whenever men gather in small groups for poker or golf, the conversation always turns to feelings. Men perpetuate the idea that they talk about women in these gathering, but it’s simply not the case. Men think that expressing feelings with women is a sign of weakness, so they don’t do it. In addition, it usually starts a long conversation, and men do hate long conversations.

Myth Number 7: Men are good at killing bugs and spiders.
The Truth: Another myth. Men are afraid of bugs and spiders too. People believe that since men are supposed to be hunters that they enjoy killing bugs. Men got over that a long time ago. They hate to be the one to kill them. In order to look heroic in front of women, men will stock and ritually kill pieces of lint and dust bunnies. I know some men that save those fake plastic spiders from Halloween and scatter them around the house. This goes back to men want to be the center of attention.

Myth Number 8: Men are better than women are at math and science.
The Truth: Not true. Women have the ability to multiply, and men can’t multiply. Case closed. 

I'll post the second part on Friday. Stay tuned. 

I enjoy watching TV shows like FBI, Chicago PD, SWAT and NCIS. If you are a fan, you know when the agents go undercover, they use ear buds that transmit and receive so they can communicate. Everyone knows that. So why is it that the mega-corporate outfits that are behind all the evil in the world never bother to check in their ears when they do a pat down? Surely, at least one employee has a TV and watches the shows. 
   
I would like to see one scene that follows the script below: 
   
KEN ENTERS. Ken: is a super undercover agent. Security stops him at the entrance of a meg-corporation (the one behind all evil in the world) after passing through the scanner.    

TINY sits at a desk in front of ken. She is a female ex-wrestler now working security.  

TINY: Sir, you just made my day.    

KEN: What seems to be the problem?    

TINY: Well, sir, our scanner indicated that you have a few items that you will have to leave here. You can pick them up when you leave the facility.    

KEN: Like what?

TINY: (chuckles) Let’s start with the pistol in your waistband.    

KEN: I have a permit to carry a concealed weapon. I have a constitutional right to bear arms.    

TINY: True. However, but we have the right to keep you out of this private property if you have a weapon. Surrender the piece or leave.    

KEN: (removes pistol and places it on the desk) Okay. I forgot I even had it.   

TINY: The other one too.  
 
KEN: What other one?   

TINY: The one strapped to your right calf.  
  
KEN: (Removes second pistol) Now I feel naked. 
   
TINY: I wish. We don’t allow cellphone either. Leave your cellphone.   
  
Ken takes out his cellphone and places it on the desk.     

TINY: Now the other one.   
 
KEN: What other one?    

TINY: The one strapped to your left calf.   
 
Ken removes the second cellphone.    
 
TINY: Our scanner indicates that you have ear buds.
    
KEN: No. No. That must be a false reading. I have nothing in my ears. 
   
TINY: If you insist. (yells) Max!    

ENTER MAXIMO, a former sumo wrestler now working security. He holds a large hand-held magnet to the side of Ken’s head. A small ear communication device pops out. He does the same to Ken’s other ear and another device pops out.    

KEN: Oh. You mean those?    

TINY: (giggling) Our scanner indicated that you have another device in your colon. Please remove that device too.    

KEN: Now that’s too much. That has to be a mistake.    

TINY: Okay, play it your way. Max!    

Maximo starts toward ken with the magnet.     

KEN: Oh, you know what? I think I am in the wrong place. I should be in the next building. I will just leave. Sorry for any inconvenience. Bye.    
​
TINY: God, I love this job.

This year I turn seven-five -- not looking forward to it. I’m already having memory issues. I’m trying to deal with them. Remembering things becomes a challenge as we get older -- I understand that. My memory was never very good anyway. Many, many years ago my wife gave me a birthday card. I thought it was funny so I laughed. She said that she couldn’t do it anymore; she had given me that same card ten years in a row. I told my family to raise a finger for each time they heard a joke was about to repeat. Many times they raised both hands and flashed ten fingers at me. The other day I told a joke and screwed up the punch line -- a rare thing for me.

In my experience, there seems to be three types of memory lost: the first is a total loss of memory of particular names, events or scheduled events; the second is a mixed match of memories (not remembering correctly or mixing two or more separate events together); and finally, false memories (remembering things that never happened – duh).

To help myself remember (total loss) or remind myself of future events, I post notes to remind myself, mark up my calendar and use visual aids. I put them on my computer, refrigerator, and kitchen counters. I even put outgoing mail near the door where I’ll see it as I leave the house. I do struggle with names, but I always did. I often run into a person I haven’t seen for a while and can’t remember their name. I have on a couple of occasions, let the dog out and forgot to let her back in. She growled at me for two days. I don’t mind so much forgetting some events; somethings are better off forgotten.

Sometimes I would relate antidotes about friends only to be corrected and told I had the wrong person in the story or got the facts wrong. Now when I tell a story, I just say it happened to someone I know. Years ago, I told one humorous story to so many people that when I ran into the subject of the story and was told it wasn’t him but was someone else, I asked him not to tell anyone.
What I really hate is remembering things that never happened. For example, I was trying to remember if I took my morning meds and decided that I did. Later, I discovered that I hadn’t taken them. I was remembering something that never happened. Sometimes my wife will ask if I saw a particular TV show or movie and I’ll say I did only to discover later that I hadn’t seen it at all – a false memory.
​
As we grow older, our memories are often the best things we have. I hate losing them. They say the memory is the second thing to go as you get old. I forgot what the first thing was. I thought I’d better write this article before I forgetaboutit.

​I read an article in my news feed from BestLife written by Lauren Gray, “If Your Partner Has These 4 Qualities, They’re More Likely to Cheat on You.”  She wrote that researchers found that men were more likely to cheat than women, and both men and women who had a history of cheating in other relationships were more likely to cheat in their present relationship. With those facts as a given, she went on to say that partners with these four qualities are most likely to cheat:

1. They're not fully satisfied in their relationship.
2. They have some positive associations with affairs.
3. They have other potential partners available to them.
4. They aren't fully committed to their relationship.

As with all lists, I think she missed a few other qualities or indicators of a significant other who is prone to cheat. Here are my additional qualities that cry out “Cheater”.

1. They come home wearing someone else’s underwear.
2. They use an unfamiliar safe word during sex.
3. They call you by another’s name.
4. They tell you they must work late even though they’re unemployed.
5. They have the smell of an unfamiliar perfume/aftershave on them.
6. You find someone’s underwear in the glove compartment.
7. They use a new technique and unfamiliar during sex.
8. They bring you flowers for no apparent reason.
9. They get dressed up just to go to Walmart or Costco.
10. They smell like cigarettes even though they don’t smoke.

If you notice any of these signs, they might be prone to cheating. 

“It’s really simple; I just point the pistol at your head and pull the trigger.”

“I mean,” Shirley continued.

“how could you leave your daughter? She’s just a child.”

“Are you serious?”

“Shirley,” Shirley corrected her.

“You’ve met her. She’s a miniature bitch. She’s a demon from hell sent to torment me. My husband can deal with her. I’m through.”

“So you and Hugh are flying to Haiti to live off the ransom money?” Dick asked.

“That’s the plan. As soon as he starts the engines, I’m going to kill you two. Do you have any last words, a goodbye kiss maybe?”

Dick turned toward Shirley. “I do. Shirley, honey, I lied; I did sleep with that blonde in vice. I’m sorry.”

“I knew it!” Shirley yelled. “I knew those weren’t your panties. Those were hers, weren’t they?”

“No, honest, they’re mine. Men’s underwear is just too hot for my jewels. Panties are much more comfortable.”

Shirley turned away from Dick as far as the handcuffs would allow. Mary asked, “What about you sugar-cakes, any last words for lover boy?”

“I’m not talking to him,” Shirley answered.

Mary laughed. “So that’s it? Your dying words are, ‘I’m not talking to him.’ You two are pathetic.”

Dick said, “You won’t get away with it. The authorities will arrest you when you land in Haiti and confiscate the money. You’ll never spend a dime.”

Mary shook her head.” Wrong, lover boy. As soon as the plane touches down, I’ll kill Hugh and tell the police he kidnapped me, and I killed him in self-defense. They’ll have to give me the money, since it belongs to my husband and me. I just won’t return home.”

Shirley said, “Sounds like the perfect crime, but you made one small mistake.”

Mary raised her eyebrows. “He’s standing behind me, isn’t he?” Mary turned to see Hugh standing behind her with a pistol pointed at her.

Hugh laughed. “You better believe I am.” Mary raised her pistol, pointed it at his head and pulled the trigger. “Click,” the hammer echoed on an empty chamber. “Looking for these?” Hugh pulled several bullets from his pocket. “I thought you might pull something like this, so I removed the bullets.” Shirley looked at Dick who shrugged his shoulders. Before Mary could say another word, Hugh struck her across the face with his pistol. She collapsed down on the floor next to Dick and Shirley, her split lips bleeding. “A slight change in plans. I’ll be landing alone.”

Shirley sat up and said, “Hugh, don’t do this. You didn’t hurt Kaitlin. Just let us go and fly away with the money.”

Hugh laughed. “Yeah, right. You’ll notify the police in Haiti and they’ll arrest me once my plane touches down. I have just one small detail to take of before I kill you.” He held his hand toward Dick. “The remote, please.”

Dick removed the remote from his pocket and handed it to Hugh. He raised it, pointed it toward the overhead door and pushed the button. A large boom shook the hanger. The remote had exploded in his hand, blowing off his thumb and two fingers. Hugh dropped his gun and dropped to the floor holding his bleeding left hand – blood squirting everywhere.

Immediately, Mary leaped on Hugh. Dick and Shirley jumped up and rushed toward their pistols – both forgetting about the handcuffs. The cuffs slowed them down. “This way!” Dick yelled. “I need to get my gun.”

Shirley yelled back, “Mine is closer!”

Dick changed directions so Shirley could reach her gun. Then she followed him to retrieve his gun. Dick found the keys to the cuffs and unlocked them. They both looked up to see Mary standing behind Hugh. She had managed to get him on his feet and now had her left forearm around his neck and held his pistol to his head in her right hand.

“Drop your weapons or I’ll kill him,” Mary demanded.

Dick and Shirley looked at each other and then back at Mary. “Here’s the deal,” Dick started to explain. “We don’t really know this guy. We’re not related to him. We don’t care if you shoot him.”

Mary shouted back, “You’re supposed to protect the public!”

Shirley laughed. “He’s a drug smuggler. Killing him would be a public service. Go ahead and kill him and we’ll kill you. No one’ll know. Pure and simple. We’re not dropping our guns.”

“This is bullshit,” Dick said. Then he shot Hugh in the leg. Mary couldn’t hold Hugh’s weight as he slipped to the floor screaming.

“You shot me, you jerk!” Hugh screamed.

“Now drop your gun or I’ll shoot you,” Shirley said.

“Shit! You win,” Mary said as she let the pistol drop to the floor. When the weapon hit the floor, it discharged striking her in the foot.

Dick and Shirley both laughed. “Karma’s a bitch,” Shirley said with a grin.

A voice boomed from the PA system in the hanger, “Hey, guys. Can you hear me. It’s me, Ralph.”

Both Dick and Shirley answered, “Yeah, we hear you.” They began looking around.

Ralph said, “Over here. In the corner –the security camera. I hacked into the security system of the airport. I’ve been watching the whole time.”

Dick and Shirley looked toward the camera high in the corner. Dick asked, “Did you cause that explosion?”

“Yeah, that was me. I took the liberty of installing an explosive device inside the remote in case Hugh got his hands on it. Once you handed it to him, I detonated it remotely. Neat, huh? Back up should be there in three minutes along with an ambulance. The airport security is coming through the front door now. See you back here at headquarters.”

Dick and Shirley turned to see airport security driving up to Hugh’s plane and surrounded it. A shout caused them to turn and see Tim running towards them leading a SWAT team. He arrived out of breath. “Great job, Richard and Shirley.”

Dick whispered to Shirley, “Did he just remember our right names?”

Shirley nodded her head. “He must have seen the security tapes.”

“By the way,” Tim said. “I had Ralph check Bill Smyth’s financial records, credit card transactions, tax records, e-mails and telephone logs. He did call his accountant, but he called him a week before the kidnapping. Apparently, the Smyths planned this whole thing. They’re con artists. They planned to kill Hugh Watt and live in Haiti on the five million. Turns out, it wasn’t his money after all; it came from a hedge fund he managed. He’s already in custody and confessed. You two go ahead and get cleaned up. We’ll finish up here. I’ll see you back at headquarters.”

As they left the hanger, Shirley whispered, “Why did you shoot Hugh? What were you thinking?”

“Actually, I was trying to shoot Mary. You know I’m a poor shot.” As they hiked back to their car, Dick said, “You know, back there, what I said; I was just stalling. You know that, right?”

Shirley didn’t look at him or break her stride. “So it wasn’t true? Is that what you’re saying?”

Dick cleared his throat, “Yes and no.” Now Shirley stopped in her tracks. Dick continued, “I did sleep with her, but I never cheated on you. It was before you and I started dating. I love you.”

Shirley said, “Now don’t get all mushy on me.” She leaned in and kissed Dick. “By the way, I had Jones find those security tapes and erase us from them.”

“So… he watched them?”

Shirley laughed. “I guess he had too, but he made a copy for me and destroyed all the rest.” She held up a thumb drive. “I thought we could watch it when we get home.”

Dick smiled. “Great! I’ll make popcorn.”
​
THE END

“Damn,” Tim said shaking his head. “I guess we have to release the Munsters. I know someone’s lying, but we can’t prove it… yet. We have nothing to hold them on except maybe child abuse. Let them go. Let’s find Hugh Watt.” He turned on his heel and marched off.

Ralph stopped Dick and Shirley in the hall. “Who are the Munsters?” Without waiting for an answered, he continued, “I found out something.” He pulled the remote garage door opener from his pocket. “I’ve been trying to figure out this number on the back. Remotes don’t have serial numbers, and it’s too short for a phone number. I tried locker combinations, bank accounts, …”

“Come on, Ralph,” Shirley interrupted. “We don’t have time for this. Get to the bottom line; what did you find out?”

“Well, it’s a tail number for a small twin-engine aircraft.”

“And I suppose it’s a bogus number?” Dick asked.

“Well, yes and no, the number is to an aircraft shot down in Vietnam during the war. Drug smuggler and the CIA like to use the real tail numbers of old planes no longer in service; makes them harder to trace.”

“So, it’s of no help?” Shirley asked.

“I checked with the FAA. All planes in the US have to file a flight plan before they take off -- that can’t be faked. So I hacked into the FAA data base and found a flight plan with this tail number. The plane is located at a small airfield in the suburbs. The remote opens the overhead doors on the hanger. Here’s the address.” Ralph handed Dick the remote along with a print out with the address on it. “Just promise me, if you find Hugh, call for back up. He could be armed and dangerous.”

“Thanks. Yeah, yeah, we’ll call you if we find the plane.”

It was late afternoon by the time Dick and Shirley arrived at the hanger. The hanger was two stories high with an overhead door wide enough for a small aircraft. The overhead door was open, and the lights inside were on. They could see an aircraft inside and someone loading suitcases into the plane. They approached the building with weapons drawn, found a rear entrance that wasn’t locked and made their way inside the hanger. The odor of aviation fuel permeated the air. The door opened to a hallway with small offices on either side. The hall was dark, so Shirley pulled out a pen light and turned it on. Dick turned on a flood light.

“WTF?” Shirley said in a loud whisper as she grabbed the light and turned it off. At the end of the hallway, she used a small pocket mirror to look around a corner into the main hanger area. “He’s in there,” she whispered to Dick. “He’s loading suitcases onto the plane. Should we call for back-up?”
“Hell no. The Captain has been on our case all week. If we call in back-up, he’ll come in with a SWAT team and take all the credit and blame us for something.  I say we bring this guy down ourselves. He’s alone and there’re two of us. We back up each other. I’ve got your six; you’ve got mine.”

“I won’t say yours is a six, more like a five or five and a half--max,” Shirley replied. “but he’ll see us or maybe hear us if we approach from this direction.”

“I’ve got an idea.” Dick removed the remote from his pocket. “I’ll close the overhead doors to distract him. The noise will cover our footsteps.” Dick held up three finger and then two.
“I know how to count, idiot. Just go and I’ll follow you.”

“You go and I’ll follow you. Like I said, I’ve got your six.”

“Fine!”

Dick triggered the remote and the overhead door started to close. Hugh dropped the two suitcases he was carrying and stared at the door. Dick and Shirley ran toward him and got within ten feet when he jerked around. “Freeze!” both Dick and Shirley yelled.
“Miami PD. On the ground. Now!” Shirley commanded. Hugh complied by laying on the floor with his hands on his head. “Cuff him,” Shirley ordered Dick. Dick took out his hand cuffs, put them on Hugh, and then helped him stand up.

“Planning a trip to Haiti with five million, are we?” Dick asked.

“Yes, we are,” a voice behind the detectives answered. “Now you freeze.” Dick and Shirley turned around to see Mary Smyth pointing a pistol at them. “Drop your guns and take off those cuffs.” Dick and Shirley dropped their guns, and Dick took the cuffs off of Hugh. Hugh kicked the guns across the floor and under the aircraft. “Now finish loading the luggage and start the plane.” Both Hugh and Dick started toward the plane. “Not you, dick-head.” Dick and Hugh both stopped. Mary rolled her eyes. “Hugh, you finish loading the plane and start the engines. You,” pointing at Dick. “get over by sugar-cakes.”

“What are you planning to do with them?” Hugh asked.

“We’ll have to shoot them. I’ll use the plane’s engines to drown out the gunshot noise.”

“Here, use this one. It has a silencer.” Hugh removed a pistol with a silencer from his waist band. and handed it to Mary. “We’ll take the bodies with us and drop them from the plane into the Caribbean. I know a place where sharks feed.”

“Good plan.” Mary kissed Hugh, and he picked up two suitcases and headed for the plane. Mary looked at the two detectives. “Well, well, if it isn’t detectives Dick-head and Lacey.”

“Shirley,” Shirley corrected her.

Mary smiled. “You know, I thought there was something going on between you two. You’re more than just partners, aren’t you? Let’s make it official. Put the cuffs on you both.” Shirley put the handcuffs on her wrist and then on Dick’s wrist. “Now isn’t that sweet? You’re now engaged. You can thank me later.”

“How could you?” Shirley asked.
​
The End of Part Nine.

Tim held up the palm of his hand to Kaitlin. “Pipe down.” He placed the picture of Hugh Watt on the table in front of Bill. “Do you know this guy?”
Bill shook his head. “I’ve never seen this guy in my life.”

Tim slid the photograph over in front of Mary who looked at it and shook her head. Tim slid it in front of Kaitlin.

Kaitlin grabbed the photograph and stared at it. “That’s him! That’s the guy who kidnapped me.”

The Smyths jumped up and started shouting. Tim managed to get everyone quiet after a couple of minutes. “We already know this guy kidnapped Kathy. We are searching for him now. His name is Hugh Watt.”

“Who? What?” Bill asked.

“Funny you should ask,” Tim said. “Everyone makes that mistake. His name is H-U-G-H… W-A-T-T, Mr. Hugh Watt.

“It’s also funny that you,” Dick pointed at Mary, “didn’t make that mistake. You knew his name was Hugh, not Who.”

Tim put the photograph away. “Mrs. Smyth, we have reviewed all your telephone logs and we know you and Hugh Watt have been texting and calling each other.”

Kaitlin stood up and screamed, “You know this guy!”

 “Shut up!” Tim barked at the child.

“You can’t make me!” Kaitlin yelled back. “I know my rights.” She stamped her foot and crossed her arms.

“Go stand in that corner,” Tim said as he pointed to a corner.

Kaitlin stamped her foot again and shouted, “No!”

Tim stood up and leaned on the table, towering over the smaller girl. “Go stand in the corner or I’ll confiscate your cell phone and review all your calls for the last three years.”

Kaitlin’s face fell. “Okay, okay. Don’t get your panties in a knot.” She stomped over to the corner and stood with her arms folded.

Tim looked at her. “Turn around! Face the corner. Don’t talk.” He sat back down.  The Smyths sat with their mouths open. “Now, back to you, Mrs. Smyth. You said you didn’t recognize this picture, and yet you do know Hugh Watt.”

“No, no. I mean I have been texting Hugh Watt, I didn’t know what he looked like. I mean, I met him on Tinder, but his picture looks a lot better than this one.”

“What!” Bill yelled. “What were you doing on Tinder?”

“Looking for someone to replace you, obviously,” Kaitlin said from the corner.

Mrs. Smyth started to stutter, “I, I, I, was just checking to see what is out there. I didn’t intend anything. I was just messing around.”

“Screwing around is more like it,” Kaitlin muttered, more to herself than to her mother.

Dick leaned forward. “And yet he knew where Kaitlin’s bedroom was. Nothing else in the house was disturbed. How do you account for that?”

“I, I, …I don’t know. Maybe he was stalking me?”

Shirley leaned forward opposite Mary. “We know your house had a security system, but when we checked, it wasn’t activated. Why not?”

Bill and Kaitlin both looked at Mary. “I’m usually the one who sets the alarm at night. I guess I forgot.”

“How convenient,” Kaitlin said with a sneer.

Tim yelled back at her, “Shut your pie hole! One more word, and your cellphone is seized as evidence.”

Ralph stuck his head in the door. “I got something.” Tim, Dick and Shirley stepped into the hallway. “I checked out the pizza story. I found the delivery guy. He said he never saw Hugh. When he opened the door, Kaitlin handed him $30 and ran down the street. He called out and when no answered, he left the pizza on the floor and left.”

“Okay, that checks out,” Tim said. “Any prints on the box?”

Jones chuckled. “Yeah, half the Crime Scene Investigators. None of the pizza was eaten by Hugh.”
“What’s this Tinder thing Mrs. Smyth mentioned?”

Ralph looked at Dick and Shirley. Shirley pointed to him, indicating he should explain. “Yes, sir. It’s an app people use on their cellphones to hook up with other people.”

“It’s an ape?” Tim asked.

“Negative, sir,” Ralph answered. “It’s an application. People call it an ‘app’ for short much like we say ‘perp’ for ‘perpetrator.’”

“So, this perp… perpetrator finds Mrs. Smith by using this ape… Tinder application, finds out she has money and a daughter. Then he kidnaps Kathy?”
​
“Apparently,” Ralph answered.

“No, I don’t,” Tim answered as he stepped closer to Dick. “And I don’t suppose one of you idiots checked his ID?” Dick and Shirley shook their heads. “And did either of you get a name, a business card maybe, a view of this contractor’s vehicle… anything to ID this guy?” Dick and Shirley continued to shake their heads.

“Should we bring him in for questioning, sir?” Shirley asked.

Tim started pacing the room, throwing his arms up into the air. He turned and pointed at the two detectives.  “This is unbelievable!  You should’ve arrested him. He’s the kidnapper.” Everyone remained silent for a few minutes as Tim continued to pace the room talking to himself. “I’m surrounded by idiots. Only two years, three months and seventeen days until I can retire with full pension.”

Finally, Ralph interrupted, “I may have something, sir.” He opened a folder full of papers. “I checked all the perp’s financial records, credit card transactions, tax records, e-mails for the last seven years and telephone logs.”

“When did you do all that?” Dick asked.

“This morning while I was on my break,” Ralph answered. “Anyway, guess who Hugh called several times?”

“Who?” Tim asked.

“The perp, Watt.”

Barnaby shook his head. “He called himself?”

“Negative, no,” Jones answered. “He called Mary Smyth, and she called him – several times.”

Tim was in shook. “…You mean to say Mrs. Smyth and the perp… knew each other before the kidnapping?”

“Apparently so,” Ralph answered. “But there’s more,” He continued. “Look at this ransom note. I think there was another sentence. See how the bottom is torn of?”

Barnaby pointed a finger at Dick. “Bring them in for questioning. Bring that little bitch, Karen too. Ralph, get me a picture of the perp. I want the ransom note too.”

Shirley started to correct Tim but on second thought decided not to. Once outside Tim’s hearing, she turned to Dick and Ralph. “I’ve never seen the Captain so mad. We had better catch this guy.”

“Who?” Dick asked.

“Affirmative,” Ralph answered. “You guys go bring in this dysfunctional family. I’ll try to have something for you by the time you get back.”

After a couple of hours, Shirley and Dick brought the Smyths to headquarters and placed them into an interview room for questioning while they waited for the Captain in the adjacent room. Is that a new mirror?” Shirley asked as she pointed to the large mirror and adjusted her hair.

“Yeah. It was all renovated last week. Everything’s new.”

After a few minutes, Tim opened the door and looked in. “What are you doing here? Where are the Smiths?”

Shirley decided to stop correcting the Captain. “We put them into the interview room next door.”

Tim shook his head. “You boneheads. This is the interview room. The room next door is the observation room. Didn’t the one-way mirror tip you off? Come on.”

As Tim lead the way, Shirley whispered to Dick, “Didn’t we make love in this room a couple of days ago?”

Dick slapped his forehead. “I thought I heard someone clapping.”

Once the Smyths were finally seated in the proper interview room, Tim and Shirley sat down opposite the Smyths while Dick sat down next to them.

Tim shook his head. “Over here, Dick-head. Sit with us on this side. That’s how this works. Now, Mr. Smyth. Our lab tech says there was more to this ransom note.” Tim placed the note in front of Bill. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Bill sat back and crossed his arms. “No.”

Tim leaned forward. “Let me rephrase the question. Tell me what happened to the rest of the note.”

Bill sighed. “Yes, there was more. The next sentence said pay five million right away or Kaitlin dies, followed with a Swiss bank account number.”

“And what did you do?” Dick asked.

“I paid the money to the account. I had it wired. What could I do? I wanted Kaitlin back in one piece.”

“Yeah, right,” Kaitlin said. “You won’t increase my allowance, but you pay this nut case five million?”

Tim raised his voice, “Please be quiet, Kaitlin.” He turned back to Bill. “So, you paid the ransom before you called 911?”

“Yes. I thought the kidnapper might hurt her.”

“What?” Kaitlin yelled. “You mean I didn’t escape? He just let me go?”

“It appears so,” Shirley answered. “Mr. Smyth, if you paid the ransom, why’d you called 911?”

“Well, I called my accountant, and he said I could report the payment as a theft and claim it as a loss on my tax return.”

“You called your accountant before you called 911?” an outraged Kaitlin asked. “Are you an idiot?”
​
The End of Part Seven

Dick looked at the house. “Looks like the kitchen. It wasn’t on before. Someone’s inside. Come on.”

They exited the car, drew their pistols and rushed to the house. Shirley tried the door and found it was unlocked. They worked their way to the kitchen. Inside was a man wearing latex gloves and holding a squirt bottle.

“Freeze!” Dick yelled.

The man held up his hands and turned around. It was the same man that was cleaning 711, the kidnapper’s house. “Damn, you guys scared the hell out of me.”

Shirley put away her weapon. “What are you doing here?”.

The man started to remove his gloves. “You aren’t going to believe this. I was asked to clean this house too. Someone called me and said to remove all prints and DNA. I just got here a little while ago.”

“How did you get in?” Dick asked.

“The guy left the back door unlocked for me.”

Dick and Shirley put their weapons away. “Did you finish cleaning?”

“No, no, just started.”

“Well stop,” Shirley said. “This is now a crime scene. The forensic lab will go over the entire place. Grab your stuff and leave. Try not to touch anything.”

“Damn. I didn’t know. Honest. Yes, I’ll leave right now.” The man took his cleaning supplies and left.

Dick shook his head. “What are the odds? I’ll bet his has a lucrative business. Lots of folks want to clean up their act.”

Shirley gave Dick a stern look. “You should know. When the lab gets here, let’s go home. It’s been a long day.

The next day as Dick and Shirley arrived at police headquarters, Captain Barnaby summoned them along with Ralph into his office. After everyone was seated, he said, “Okay, what have we got so far on the Smith kidnapping?”

“Smyth,” Dick corrected him.

“Don’t start with me. I’ve had only two cups of coffee so far.”

“Sorry, Captain. I’ll start with after we left the Smiths’… Smyth’s’ house: we drove down to 711…”
Tim interrupted, “It was a 7 Eleven?”

“Negative, sir,” Dick said. “That’s the street address of a residence. It was for sale and empty.”

Tim shook his head. “So you found nothing there. Did Kate gives us the wrong address?”

“Kaitlin,” Shirley corrected Tim. A stern look from him made her stop talking and lean back.

“Negative, sir,” Dick continued. “It was the right address; the perp left before we got there. We did find a man cleaning up DNA and finger prints. The perp hired him from Craig’s List.”

“And who is this Craig guy?”

Ralph, Dick and Shirley rolled their collective eyes. “It’s a list of contractor on the internet,” Ralph said. “Shirley picked up a remote garage door opener, and I was able to hack into the perp’s internet. His name is Watt…”

“What?” the Captain asked.

“Affirmative,” answered Ralph. “How did you know?”

“Know what?” Tim asked.

“You know Watt? Wow, what a coincident,” Ralph said.

Tim rolled his hand in a circular motion. “Just continue.”

“Yes, sir,” Ralph continued. “He’s a direct descendent of James Watt, the Scottish inventor who invented the Watt steam engine in the eighteenth century.”

Tim raised his eyebrows. “What steam engine?”

“Affirmative. He invented it.”

“Who invented what steam engine?”

“Negative, Hugh’s ancestor invented it. It’s called the Watt steam engine.”

Tim raised his hands in a gesture of surrender. “Stop talking… Sally, in English please, explain about this perp.”

“Yes, sir,” Shirley said. “His first name is Hugh, H.U.G.H. His last name is Watt, W.A.T.T.”

“Hugh Watt? Is that a real name?” Tim shook his head, “It has to be child abuse to name a kid Hugh Watt. Did we arrest this Hugh Watt person?”

Shirley answered, “We staked out his house, but he never showed up. The contractor who cleans up DNA and prints showed up again.”

Tim stood up and walked around his desk and folded his arms on his chest. “Surely, you jest?”

“Negative, sir,” Shirley answered. “I’m serious. The same guy. Can you believe it?”

Tim placed his hands on his hips and stepped closer to Shirley. “No, I can’t.”

“You don’t suppose he’s an eyewitness, do you?’ Dick asked. “Or a person of interest?”
​
The End of Part Six

“I’m still working on that. I’ll get back to you. By the way, I checked the Smyth’s home security system before I left. It wasn’t armed.”

Dick frowned. “That’s odd.”

It was late by the time Shirley and Dick found the address. The non-descript house in the Miami suburbs appeared to be empty--no cars outside or lights inside. They decided to stake out the house in hoping the perp might show up. They parked on a cross street, away from streetlights where they could see the house in the dark. Dick and Shirley settled down for a long stakeout. Both had coffee and snacks. They also had shotguns propped up on the seat between them, a box of shells nearby. After ten minutes, a woman knocked on Dick’s window. Dick rolled down his window. “Can I help you, miss?”

The woman smiled. Her miniskirt that just covered her assets. Her blouse was held together with one button. She smiled at Dick. “Can I ask you a question?”

Dick nodded.  “Sure.”

The woman bent over to talk in Dick’s window revealing amble cleavage. “I see you have a shot gun and ammo. I believe in the barter system. Would you be interested in trading ammo for sex?”

Dick thought about it for a few seconds. “Maybe. What type of ammo do you have?”

Before the woman could answer, Shirley leaned forward and said, “Buzz off, sister, before I arrest you for soliciting.”

The woman straightened up. “Sorry, I didn’t realize you’re already taken. Besides, I was bartering, not soliciting.”

Shirley chuckled. “I’ll bet you’d trade sex for money.”

The woman smiled. “How much money we talking about?”

Shirley yelled, “Get!”

The woman turned around and ran away. After a couple of hours, a patrol car parked behind them, lights flashing. A patrol officer exited the patrol car and sauntered up to the driver side. Dick rolled down the window and asked. “Is there a problem, officer?”

“Can I see some ID?”

Dick and Shirley showed their badges to the officer. “We’re on a stake out here. You need to leave now,” Dick said.

“Sorry. I didn’t realize you were on a stake out. We had a complaint from the neighbors that a hooker was plying her business on this corner.”

“Why would anyone think that?” Shirley asked.

“Well, Detective Kelly, you both are sitting in the back seat with your pants off and Detective Andrew has his face buried in your crotch.”

“When we go under cover,” Dick explained. “we go all the way.”

“I thought you were on a stake out? Also, I found these panties on the roadway outside this window.” The office held up a pair of panties. “Does this belong to one of you.”

“Why would you even think they belong to one of us?” Shirley asked.

The officer held up a cellphone. “Well, a neighborhood watch person sent us this video of one of you throwing them out this window.”

Dick smiled. “Oh, are those blue? Yeah, those are mine.” He took the panties from the officer.
“Well, you’ll have to move now. Your cover’s blown. Just a word of advice; in the future, use the Cold Case Room like everyone else but be sure to hang a hat over the security camera.” The officer returned to his car as Dick and Shirley got dressed and returned to the front seat.

Shirley broke the silence, “OMG! I just realized something; did you know there was a security camera in the Cold Case Room? Didn’t we have sex in there a few times?”

“Yeah, more than a few times.”

“Dick, we’ve got to erase those security tapes.”

“Why? We can just download porn from the internet like we always do.”

“Don’t you realize, you idiot? If the Captain sees those tapes, we could be busted. We need to find them and erase them. Do you think he has seen them already?”

“I don’t think he has seen them. If he did, he’d remember our names. Ralph can find them for us and erase them.”

Shirley looked at Dick. “How long have you been wearing panties?”

Dick shrugged his shoulders. “Ever since you found them in my glove compartment.”

Shirley thought for a moment. “Are you sleeping with that blonde in vice who goes undercover as a hooker?”

“She’s not a detective; she’s only the admin assistant. That’s just the way she dresses.”

Shirley turned to face Dick. “You didn’t answer the question. Are you sleeping with her?”

Dick chuckled. “I wish.” He could tell by the way Shirley frowned, that was not the best answer. “I meant to say, I should be so lucky.” Again, he realized that might not have been the best answer. “I mean, in my dreams.” Dick was desperate now. “I meant to say, not a wink.” He closed his eyes; waiting for Shirley to slap him.
​
Instead, Shirley pointed at the house. “Look! A light is on in the house.”