It’s that time of year when we take stock of the things we’re thankful for. I have been working on this list for weeks. I’ve eliminated the obvious things that people list every year; family, friends, health, blah, blah, blah. Here’s my list of things I’m thankful for:
 1.      Farts are colorless. Can you imagine what the world would be like if farts were blue or green? That would take all the guess work out of who farted and let the dog off the hook.
2.      Lobsters can’t scream when you cook them (same goes for stepping on bugs). This goes without saying.
3.      Cow can’t fly. Pigeons are bad enough. Thank goodness cows can’t fly.
4.      Dinosaurs are extinct. Driving to work every day is enough of a hassle. Thank goodness we don’t have to dodge dinosaurs too.
5.      Fire. I’m not sure who invented or discovered it, but Thanksgiving wouldn’t be the same without fire. We’d have to eat cold turkey. What would a BBQ be without fire? A stack of wood or coal.
6.      My secret bank account. I’m glad my wife doesn’t know about my secret bank account. Oh, wait! WTF? Never mind.
7.      Breathing is automatic. I’m certainly glad I don’t have to think about breathing. I’m so forgetful lately, I’d forget to breathe.
8.      Light bulbs. Because without light bulbs, we’d be in …wait for it… the dark ages.
9.      Gravity. Where would we be without gravity? Fling to the far corners of the solar system, I imagine.
10.  Control of my anal sphincter. Can you imagine what life would be like if humans had not control of their anal sphincters? It would be shitty for sure. You could say, “That depends.”
11.  The POTUS plays a lot of golf. I wish he’d play more often.
12.  Beer. Ben Franklin said, “In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.” Which is why I don’t drink water.
13.  Coffee. The elixir of the gods. I plan to quit drinking coffee as soon as I find a better way to get it down.
14.  The thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. How does it know?
15.  Golf Carts. A golf cart came in handy when my good buddy Ralph had a heart attack in the middle of our golf game. If we didn’t have a golf cart, we would’ve had to drag his body from hole to hole.
16.  My brain. I’m thankful my mind is still tack as a sharp.
17.  That marijuana is harmless. Thank goodness it haade ne efftive omn me abilly to rite.
​Perhaps you have some non-traditional things to be thankful for. Let’s hear them.

I was in Barnes and Noble the other day when I came across Richard Carlson’s book, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff... and it’s all Small Stuff, which became a best seller. It was USA Today's bestselling book for two consecutive years and spent over 100 weeks on the New York Times Best Seller list. He went on to write a series of books based on not sweating the small stuff.
 
It made me think – there must be some small stuff we should sweat. I did a little digging and… now I don’t want to frighten anyone… but some small stuff is worth sweating. Here’s my list:
 
1.      Viruses. Viruses are small things. They consist of a nucleic acid molecule in a protein coat – too small to be seen by a regular microscopy. They can be nasty small fry. They include Ebola, the human immunodeficiency virus (HIV), Marburg, rabies, smallpox, Dengue and influenza (flu). Might want to sweat viruses.

2.      Bacteria. Bacteria are tiny creatures, typically a few micrometers in length. And here’s the thing… they’re everywhere. Not all bacteria are harmful but some like anthrax, bubonic plague, tuberculosis, and pneumonia are. Others cause serious diseases like cholera, diphtheria, bacterial meningitis, and syphilis. Watch out for these small stuffers.

3.      Unprotected sex. Condoms are small but smaller still are the sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) caused by unprotected sex. Here’s a list to name a few: Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, Herpes, HIV/AIDS, Human Papillomavirus (HPV), Syphilis, Bacterial Vaginosis and Trichomoniasis. So let’s all sweat the small condoms.

4.      Cancer. Cancer cells are small but usually there are small symptoms. There are more than 100 types of cancer including carcinomas (skin), sarcomas (bone and soft tissues), Osteosarcoma (bone) leukemias (bone marrow), Hodgkin lymphoma and Non-Hodgkin and Melanoma (skin). If you see a small and strange growth on your skin or feel a lump -- sweat it.

5.      Mosquitoes. These tiny insects bug me. They sneak in and suck your blood before you even know you’re a victim. They transmit diseases like malaria, dengue, West Nile virus, yellow fever,  encephalitis, and Zika fever. I certainly sweat theses small things. Use insect repellant.

6.      A polyp in your colon. Polyps are small and not always serious. You need routine exams and a biopsy to find them and check them out. They might be serious.

7.      Termites. They’re small bug that not only bug you, but they eat wood. They could destroy your house. Sweat it. Get a terminator.
​
8.      Tumors. They start out as small stuff and that’s the best time to have them removed. If you wait, they could be come large enough to kill you. Sweat it.
 
I’m not trying to be an alarmist, but there is some small stuff that needs to be sweated.

​Chris turned off his vibrating cellphone. He had allowed himself a couple of hours of sleep by putting his cellphone on vibrate and holding it in his hand. His eyes adjusted to the darkness. All his senses were alert now: listening, watching, smelling and feeling for the slightest indication that he was not alone. The house was silent.

​All the occupants were probably asleep by now. Chris sat up and adjusted his ski mask and checked his trench knife. The first phase of his mission was completed without incident. Slowly, quietly, Chris stood and pressed his body up against the wall. The door to the hallway was only a few feet away. He reached the door and peeked around the door frame and down the hall. It was empty.

Slipping down to all fours, Chris used the alligator crawl technique to move down the hallway. It was a moonless night, so he didn’t need to worry about illumination coming from outside. From the kitchen door, he peered inside. No one was there. Using the Alabama high-stepper technique to avoid trip wires and obstacles, he entered the kitchen. He held his breath for nearly a minute as he listened for any unusual noise. There was none. The target was there on the counter top. In one smooth motion, he removed his trench knife and slid over to his target.

Suddenly, the kitchen light came on and a voice from the doorway asked, “Chris, what the hell are you doing?”

Chris froze. “I, I, I just wanted a piece of cake.”

His wife put her hands on her hips. “You’re a diabetic. Cake will raise your blood sugar. Besides, the doctor said you must lose weight. Now put that knife down before you hurt yourself and take off that ski mask. You look ridiculous. Come back to bed.

Rats, ambushed. Abort mission, Chris thought. Tomorrow is another night.

The End

I read about a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology that found people who partially confessed to a misdeed ended up feeling worse than those who fully confessed. Apparently, a full confession is good for the soul - good news for Catholics. The study stated a partial confession eases the guilty feeling but still lets us get away with some bad behavior. We sometimes use a partial confession to make ourselves look better in the eyes of others. A partial confession often seems more believable. I’m not sure if the timing of this study had anything to do with President Trump – maybe. Perhaps, there’ll be a full confession or full disclosure from him yet to come. We can only hope. The study looked at such issues as cheating, breaking the law, infidelity, stealing, drug use, and lying. I found it interesting that the following  significant issues weren’t considered:
1. Farting. This could be in bed, in the living room, or in an elevator. It is a compelling reason to own a dog.    
2. Eating the last doughnut. When confronted with this accusation, it is best not to have the tell-tale powdered sugar on your face or clothes.    
3. Not reading all of the terms of an agreement before clicking on “I agree” or “I have read all the terms of agreement.” Guilty! No comment.    
4. Removing the tag on bedding that says, “DO NOT REMOVE UNDER PENTALITY OF LAW.” I know you did it because sometimes you need to feel a little wild – an outlaw.   
5. Denying that you were looking at a woman’s cleavage or a man’s tight jeans. I’m not sure how you could partially confess to this. Could you say you had one eye closed? And it was your good eye. Our you could fake blindness. Works for me.    
6. Stating that you have no idea how you gained weight while on a diet. Again, guilty. It couldn’t be the wine you drink – wine comes from grapes – a fruit. It can’t be chocolate candy – chocolate comes from the coco bean – again a fruit.
7. Telling your significant other you weren’t flirting with his/her best friend. No, you are just being friendly. Not your type anyway.
8. Telling the police officer that pulled you over you had no idea how fast you were driving. You were just trying to blow out the carbon from the engine. Maybe you thought the officer was your ex stalking you. Could work.
9. Telling your significant other you aren’t sneaking a smoke after you swore to give up smoking. Of course not! You gave your word and if anything, your word is good.
10. Telling your doctor you feel just fine. You don’t want any new meds. You can’t afford the fee. Whatever. Don’t tell the doctor about the chest pains. I mean, what’s the worst that could happen?

Those are just a few issues that the study failed to address. I am sure that you readers can think of more. Let me know.

Today is Veterans Day honoring the current and former members of the U.S. Armed Forces, including those who have died in the pursuit of freedom. This is my tribute to our veterans. When I write “brother” I am including sisters too.

Were you there with me, brother, with muddy boots when we stormed Normandy and started to push back the Germany Army? Or were you with the 82d Airborne and Patton at the Battle of the Bulge? We liberated Paris. We stood in shook as we saw the survivors of the concentration camps. We saw the ovens and still smell the burning flesh. We saw the destruction of the German cities, many centuries old – the victims of war. We forgave but couldn’t forget. After the war, we helped to rebuild Europe.

Were you there with me, brother, when the Japanese surprised us and bombed Pearl Harbor without a declaration of war? Maybe you were there when Bataan fell, and the Japanese bottled us up in the tunnels of Corregidor. We who survived made the Bataan Death March. We fought back at the battles of the Coral Sea, Midway and Guadalcanal. You walked with me and Mac in muddy boots as we leap-frogged across the South Pacific to push the Japanese back and finally returned to the Philippines.

We are so few still living. We were the greatest American generation. Those who survived the war came home and built and rebuilt the United States industries to make the USA the greatest country in the world – a world super power. We made the mold, set the standard and inspired future generations. Soon we will be gone but never forgotten.

Were you there with me, brother, at Pusan when we stopped the North Koreans and held the perimeter? We held the line to buy time for Mac to organize a counterattack. Or maybe you came ashore at Inchon in an amphibious landing that turned the tide of the war and turned back the communists? Then we watched the massive Chinese intervention into the Korean War and fought a strategic withdraw. We fought at Bloody Ridge, Heartbreak Ridge and Old Baldy. We were the "The Chosin Few” or, as we called ourselves, “The Frozen Chosin.” We have been there ever since to protect the South Koreans.

Were you there with me, brother, when we went to fight in a country we didn’t know to fight a war we didn’t start and didn’t want. We wadded through rice paddies and walked in elephant grass. We were in the Delta when the monsoon struck and soaked us until we looked like drowned rats. We fought at Khe San, in Hue during the Tet Offensive, and on Hamburger Hill. We felt the earth tremble during Arclight strikes by B-52 Stratofortresses, or when the artillery answered a call for fire support or when Hueys airlifted us into battle or for a medevac. We marveled when Spooky –Puff the Magic Dragon – delivered ordinance on Charlie, or when artillery flares lit up the night or when ice cream, still cold, made it to the field. Even now, on a clear day when the wind is right, we can still smell the burning crappers, the smoke from smoke grenades and the napalm. Our ears still ring from the sounds of claymores going off, from incoming rockets and the cries of our wounded. We fought to hold the line against communism until finally we withdrew and Saigon fell. But we fought mainly to protect our brothers on our flanks. When we came home, no one said “Thanks for your service,” or “Job well done,” or even, “Welcome home".

Were you there with me, brother, when we went into the Dominican Republic to stop a communist takeover? Or maybe you were there when we overthrew the socialists in Grenada? We captured the Panamanian dictator and drug-smuggler Manuel Noriega. We were in Lebanon when terrorists bombed the Marine barracks in Beirut. We lost many brothers that day. The cost of freedom is high and is paid in blood in places like Somalia, Bosnia and Kosovo. Freedom isn’t free.

Were you there with me, brother, when Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein invaded Kuwait and crossed the line we had drawn in the sand? We countered attacked with Desert Storm. We liberated Kuwait in 100 hours. We stood in shock as we watched oil wells burn. Finally, we invaded Iraq and occupied Baghdad. We searched and captured Hussein. He was tried and hanged. The country held free elections to vote in a new government. We felt the heat in July and August and froze our butts in January. We are still there to help keep the peace and to fight terrorism.

​Were you there with me, brother, when we went after the Taliban and Osama bin Laden in Afghanistan?  We hunted down Osama bin Laden and finally found him in Abbotabad, Pakistan where Navy seals killed him. We participated in Operation Khanjar ("strike of the sword"). We felt the oppressively heat of summer in Kandahar. We are still there to help keep the peace and to fight terrorism. 

On this day we honor all veterans, living or dead. We shall never forget. We stand shoulder to shoulder with all veterans whether we share the same foxhole or just the same experiences. We have your six.
​
--Monte R. Anderson

Here’s my annual salute for Veterans for Veterans Day. I have taken the liberty (editorial license) to re-phrase the St. Crispin’s Day speech from William Shakespeare’s play, Henry V. (My apologies to Bill.) If you haven’t read it, check it out. It will resonate. It’s the speech that Henry V made to the English Army shortly before the Battle of Agincourt on the morning of 25 October 1415. That’s where the term, "Band of Brothers", comes from. Here’s my twist on it:

Sunday is Veterans Day. Those of us who came home will stand attention this day and salute all veterans, living or dead, who answered when their country called. Those who had no stomach for the fight decided not to answer and stayed home. We didn’t care to die in their company when they valued their lives more than fighting and dying with us. We, who survived, will strip our sleeves and show our scars each year during this day, and say, "These wounds I had in the service of my country." 
​

I read with interest (because I also diet) an article on my newsfeed that had these are signs that your diet is failing:
Your diet is too restrictive.
You’re irritable all the time
You haven't dealt with the mental and emotional aspects of your weight gain.
Your clothes don’t fit differently
You took on too much at once.
You don’t have a plan for maintenance after weight loss.
You're not toning up or gaining muscle.
You’re cutting out entire food groups
You don't like the food you're eating.
You have all-or-none thinking.

 I think this list omitted several other signs. As a public service I will provide them here:
1.      Your shoes don’t fit anymore.
2.      No one will get on teeter totter with you.
3.      People check the weight limit sign when you get on an elevator.
4.      Restaurants with “all you can eat” buffets close when they see you coming.
5.      Sumo wrestler want to high-five you when they see you.
6.      Airlines ask you to sit in the aisle to balance the plane.
7.      You no longer can fit through your front door.
8.      Kids at the circus try to feed you peanuts.
9.      When you sun bathe at the beach, people try to push you back into the water.
10.  Grizzly bears run from you.
​
​If you see any of these signs, its’s time to change diets.

​Ben Franklin said all people want to appear reasonable. I agree with that statement, but it started me thinking (actually, I have been thinking for a long time). It started me thinking about what most people think about themselves. I have come up with a short list.
Most people think:
1.      that they are above average intelligence.
2.      that they fairly good looking.
3.      that they are a “people person.”
4.      that they have a sense of humor.
5.      that they are open-minded.
6.      that they are a team player.

Most people think that they are above average intelligence. I guess they don’t know how an average is calculated.  We can’t ALL be average or above average. Well, I guess we can if we all have the exact same level of intelligence – not possible. We’re evenly split between above or below average. That means half of us are below average intelligence. Don’t confuse intelligence with knowledge (smarts).

Most people think that they are good looking. Studies show that one out of three people would be considered ugly (okay, I don’t know this for a fact). So… look to your right and left. If you don’t see ugly, guess what? Not that there’s anything wrong with being ugly. Usually, ugly people are born that way. They inherit their looks from their parents. That’s natural ugliness. Other ugly people just act ugly. That’s the worst kid of ugliness. If you surround yourself with ugly friends – you will look good looking.

Most people think that they are a “people person.” This bugs me. Not everyone can be a “people person”. Someone has to just be people – I think. I believe “people persons” are a rare breed. In my own experience, people who are self-proclaimed people persons aren’t. Being a people person isn’t a title you may bestow upon yourself. It’s granted to you by people who know you. However, most people want to be thought of as a people person. People persons aren’t your everyday, average individuals. They have a special talent for dealing with people, and that talent is they make people happy. That how you can identify real people persons; they are happy, their administrative assistants are happy, their bosses and subordinates are happy, and their customers are happy. They go out of their way to make people happy by volunteering in various programs to help people. People persons visits prisons, help the handicapped, visit the elderly, or help the poor in some manner. If a person claims to be a people person and the people around them aren’t happy and they do nothing to help other people; they are simply wanna be’s.

Most people like to think that they have a great sense of humor. They probable do have some sense of humor, but not a great sense of humor. I’ve been a teller of jokes for a long time, and I like to think I have a great sense of humor. My family probably disagrees. I have learned that most people’s sense of humor is rather thin. A sense of humor isn’t about telling jokes. Jokesters seek attention (myself included) and, to some extent, want to make people laugh. I’m not talking about that type of humor. People have a great sense of humor when they can laugh at themselves. They see the humor in everything, even the darkest hour. They use humor to relieve tension and to defuse potential fights or arguments. They never take themselves too seriously.

Most people think that they are that they are open-minded. This is like many of the other lies we tell ourselves. People really want other people to think they’re open-minded. This isn’t a self-proclaimed talent. Actions speak louder than words. You’re open-minded when you act open-minded: you’re tolerant of others, you listen to the opinions of others, you are receptiveness to new ideas, and value the knowledge of others. A person that salts his food before tasting it is not an open-minded person.

Most people think that they are that they are a team player. You see this on resumes often. I think it’s a waste of space on a resume. I believe the only time anyone should say they’re a team player is when they are applying for a position on team sports; coach, player, or manager. It should be assumed everyone is a team player until proven otherwise. In kindergarten, we would say, “Plays well with others.”
​
I’m sure there are other things that people think about themselves and one day I’ll write about them.

I read with interest an article by Angels Haupt in US News and World Report, “9 Signs You Should Fire Your Doctor.” As usual in these types of article, the author left out many other reasons. I have repeated the nine reasons listed in the article followed by the other 20 additional reasons to changes doctors. Keep in mind that the pronoun “He” could also be “She,” “Transgender,” “No Gender,” or “Unknown.”
From US News and World Report:
1.      You don’t mesh.
2.      He doesn’t respect your time.
3.      He keeps you in the dark
4.      He doesn’t listen.
5.      The office is unprofessional.
6.      You don’t feel comfortable with him or wonder about his competence.
7.      He doesn’t coordinate with other doctors.
8.      He’s unreachable.
9.      He’s rude or condescending.

My 20 additional reasons to changes doctors:
1.      He has cold hands.
2.      He has large hands.
3.      All the kids in the waiting room all look like him.
4.      He has cameras and lights set up in the exam room.
5.      He got his medical license online.
6.      Patients call his nurse, “Nurse Ratched”.
7.      His first question is if you’re an organ donor.
8.      He keeps calling you by the wrong last name.
9.      He tries to sell you drugs under the counter.
10.  He googles your symptoms on his computer while you describe them.
11.  He tells you that you remind him of his ex who he hates.
12.  He writes you a prescription for marijuana before he asks you anything.
13.  The DEA is in the waiting room.
14.  His latex gloves have holes in them.
15.  He talks to an imaginary friend in the office.
16.  He pulls out a thermometer from his pocket to write a prescription.
17.  There’s a picture on his desk of him with Joaquin "El Chapo" Guzman.
18.  The name of the medical school on his diploma is misspelled.
19.  When you say you want a second opinion, he pulls out a sock puppet.
20.  He keeps referring to the “Hypocritic” Oath.
​Any one of these reasons could be a red flag that says, “Time to change doctors.”

​His shiny black eyes stared up at her from her lap as she admired his permanent red smile. Fingering his tiny overalls, she pictured the little ones' faces, pressed against the icy windowpanes, waiting for her to arrive with another basket of her lifelike, homemade gifts. She put the last strand of hair in place. As she inserted the needle to tie a knot, the doll lurched in her hand, and a high-pitched voice yelled, “That hurt!”
 
She stared at the doll squirming in her hand. Okay don’t panic, she thought. The Doctor said this could happen. This is not real. The doll grabbed the needle and stabbed her leg. She jumped up, dropping the doll to the floor. She watched in disbelief as the doll ran into her bedroom. Well, I certainly felt that. She lifted up her dress and saw a small drop of blood where the needle stuck her. She touched her finger to the drop of blood and then put her finger into her mouth. It tastes like blood. I need to renew the prescription.
 
She walked toward the bedroom to get her jacket. She never saw the lamp cord strung ankle high across the doorway. She tripped and fell forward, striking her head on the corner of her dresser and landing on the floor unconscious.
 
Twenty-four hours later.
 
Chief Williams flashed his badge at the officer at the door and walked inside. He saw detective Sam talking to a young woman in the living room. Sam looked up and came over to greet him.
“What have we got, Sam?” Chief Williams asked.
 
“I think we have a suicide, but you won’t believe it. Take a look and then let me explain.”
Sam gestured toward the bedroom and both men walked over to the door. “Brace yourself!” said Sam. You ain’t seen no suicide like this.”
 
Chief Williams entered the room. On the floor was a young woman laying on her back. A plastic bag was over her head and tied around her neck with a lamp cord. One of her arms was tied by the wrist to a leg of her bed with a cord while the other arm was tied to her dresser. All around the body lay pint-sized homemade dolls.
 
The Chief looked at Sam, “She’s tied up.”
 
“I know Chief, but I have seen it before. She made a loop like a noose on one cord and tied it to the bed. Then when she was ready, she tied the other hand, lay down and slipped her wrist through the loop. Once pulled tight, she couldn’t untie it. That way if she panicked, she couldn’t chicken out. Check the knot on her right wrist. It’s a slip knot.”
 
Chief Williams bent down to exam the knot. Then he glanced over to the young woman’s face.
“Damn!” he exclaimed and stepped back.
 
“That’s the part I was warning you about,” said Sam.
 
“Are her lips sewn together?”
 
“Yeah, like a voodoo head or something. Her nose too. The sewing needle’s still attached. That alone would have killed her. The plastic bag was just an extra measure.”
 
“And you consider this a suicide?” asked the Chief.
 
“Yeah. The woman in the other room is her sister. She said the vic was recently diagnosed with schizophrenia, so she called her every day. When she did not get an answer for twenty-four hours, she called the police. She IDed the body.”
 
The Chief ordered one of the officers, “Check the medicine cabinets. See what she was taking.” Turning back toward Sam, “What else?”
 
“No sign of forced entry. The door was locked and bolted from the inside. We cannot find any other fingerprints except for the vic’s. Also, no sign of a struggle. No sign of sexual assault.”
 
“Any note?”
 
“Nope. We checked her e-mails too. Her sister thinks it was suicide.”
 
An officer strode over and handed the Chief a hand full of pill bottles. The Chief examined the bottles. “No. No. Ah Ha!” Holding up two bottles for Sam to see, “Olanzapine and fluoxetine! Commonly used for the treatment of schizophrenia. Both empty.”
 
“How did you know that?” asked Sam.
 
“I just know things,” said the Chief, handing the bottles back to the uniformed officer. “Call the pharmacy and find out if she called in a subscription. But why go to all the trouble of sewing your mouth and nose shut? That had to be painful. Wouldn’t it be easier just to overdose with pills?”
 
“But if she was hallucinating maybe she did not feel the pain.”
 
“Could be. Keep checking for clues that someone else was here.”
 
“Chief!” called an officer from the phone, “The pharmacy says she called in a refill four days ago but never picked it up.”
 
“Thanks.” Then half aloud, “She ran out of her meds.”
 
The Chief walked over and stood over the body to examine one of the dolls. The doll looked at him and said, “What are you looking at, fat boy?” The chief picked up the doll and put it into his coat pocket. Okay, don’t panic. The doctor said this might happen occasionally. It is just a hallucination. Forgot to take my meds this morning, that’s all.
 
THE END