The Pope’s Worldwide Prayer Network launched the “Click To Pray eRosary” at a press conference in the Vatican.  It’s an interactive, smart and app-driven wearable device that is wore as a bracelet and is activated by making the sign of the cross.
 
Rumor has that the Network is working on an app for confessions. This app would possibly work on ordinary cellphones. Here’s a copy of the proposed text for the Confession App.
“Hello, lost child of God. Thank you for waiting. Do you feel remorse and guilt for your sins? Are you ready to confess and to obtain forgiveness for your sexual misconduct? Then you have called the right place. Read the entire menu before selecting. After selecting from the menu, at the beep, confess your sin. After you confess, remain on the line for one or two minutes for an automated reply with your penance, absolution and forgiveness. If you don’t hear your penance within two minutes, it means you haven’t been forgiven. Please try again later. Due to the high demand for redemption, please confess only one sin during this call. Call again another day for multiple sins. Your confession may be recorded for quality control purposes or possible legal action. Please select from the following menu:

1. If you are a powerful mogul or actor in the entertainment industry, dial 1.
2. If you are the President, an ex-president, or a politician, dial 2.
3. If you are a famous news anchor, dial 3.
4. If you are a powerful or famous person in another industry, dial 4.
5. If your sin is more than 20 years old, dial 5.
6. If you’re not sure what you did is a sin, dial 6.
7. If you sent sex toys to co-workers, exposed yourself to co-workers, pinched someone’s ass or fondled them, dial 7.
8. If you traded a promotion for sex, or committed sexual harassment dial 8
9. If you’re a pedophile, or committed rape, dial 9.

Please consider a tax-free donation commensurate with your transgression. You may provide your credit card information or mail a check to the church.”
​
Churches hope this app will clear up the backlog for confession in one or two years.

You may have read Mitch Albom’s novel, The Five People You Meet in Heaven. With a wink and a nod to Mr. Albom, I now present The Five People You Meet in Hell. Sorry, it’s a blog not a novel – maybe later.

Okay, you screwed up and you know it. You’re going to hell. No sweat, you say. You’ve many friends in hell, so you won’t be lonely. True. The company you keep puts you in hell. Here’s a clue; your enemies are there too, waiting for you. Here’re the five people who’ll meet you at the gates of hell when you arrive:

1. Your ex-girlfriend/ boyfriend and/or ex-spouse. Remember how you treated your significant other? You cheated. You lied about it. You confessed and promised never to do it again. Then you cheated again and lied again. You thought you got away this last time. Your ex knows what you did and will confront you in hell. What you don’t know is that you caused your ex to have a crisis about his/her sexuality. He/she blamed him/herself more than you. Your ex went into therapy. Finally, he/she had a sex change operation. Your ex then joined a commune to “find him/herself.” In a freak accident, your ex smoked some loco weed that looked like marijuana. It was fatal. With his/her dying breath, he/she swore revenge on you.

2. Your best friend from high school/college? You remember your best friend? You two vowed to be best friends forever. That was until you stabbed your BF in the back. You stole your BF’s girl/guy. You did it without a thought of how you hurt him/her. What you don’t know is that your BF had trust issue after that. He/she never trusted anyone again. He/she became very bitter and mean. With no friends, your BF sat alone at home watching reruns of Gillian’s Island. It wasn’t cable or satellite, because your BF did not trust the installer to show up at all. In a freak accident, a flock of pigeons killed your BF while your he/she was feeding them.

3. Your old boss. You do remember your old boss? The one that didn’t give you that bonus or promotion. He said you didn’t achieve the goals set for you. He said you wasted time playing games on the computer and taking naps in the stockroom. It was all true. What you don’t know is that he didn’t get a bonus or promotion either. Your failure caused him to fail too. Eventually, the company fired him for poor performance. He couldn’t get another job because he couldn’t get a referral. The industry blackballed him. He became homeless and wandered around aimlessly – without goals. In a tragic accident, he was cooked to death due to a malfunction in the heating grate he was sleeping on. Investigators found your name scribbled on the side of his cardboard box with the words, “I’ll see you in hell.”

4. Your old schoolteacher. You must remember your old schoolteacher – the one you caused to have a nervous breakdown? She was a 30-year veteran but had never met anyone as bad as you. She even told you to your face if you ever go to hell, she would find you and kill you -- again. What you may not know is she gave up teaching and joined a street gang. For several years, she committed drive-by shootings of students. When her eyesight failed, she retired to a rural area in Montana. A black bear killed her when she tried to spank it after it climbed into her apple tree. She thought it was you. The police found a picture of you with your eyes gouged out in her cabin.

5. Jack Hodges. You remember Jack Hodges? Probably not. Everyone remembers him as One-eyed Jack. Your mom always told you not to throw pencils but when Jack asked to borrow a pencil, you threw it. Sure enough, he lost an eye. That was bad enough, but what you don’t know was worst. People bullied and teased One-eyed Jack the rest of his life. He finally had enough and chose a life of crime. One day the police caught up with him, and he died in a hail of bullets. The police said with his dying breath, he said it was all your fault.
​
So, have fun in hell.
​

In my last post, I wrote about an old Chinese curse, “May you live in interesting times.” It occurred to me that we need more curses. Johnny Carson on the Tonight Show was the master of the curse. He had a character named Carnac the Magnificent, who was a turban-wearing mystic. The curses were basically middle eastern curses and would not be considered politically correct today. Here are a few of his curses:
May a crazed weightlifter clean and jerk your sister.   
May a camel with a weak kidney condition find your hope chest.
May the winds of the Sahara blow a desert scorpion up your turban.
May you fall asleep under a camel with postnasal drip.
May a weird doctor join you at the hump of a camel.
May a carsick mongoose change the color of your seats.
May a camel chip float in your martini.
May a diseased yak squat in your hot tub.
​
There was also a song written by written by Neal Merritt and sung by Little Jimmy Dickens. It contained the following curses:
"May the bird of paradise fly up your nose"
"May an elephant caress you with his toes"
"May your wife be plagued with runners in her hose"
 
Obviously, we need updated curses. Putting a curse on someone is not illegal and doesn’t require physically assaulting them. I’ve thought of a few:

• May a thousand robocalls target your iPhone every day.
• May your home security system catch a virus from your computer.
• May your TV show only reruns of Gilligan's Island.
• May your significant other run away with your best friend AND your dog.
• May your Roomba vacuum try to vacuum your dog’s diarrhea.
• May your computer screen permanently freeze on a picture of your ex.
• May your Echo Dot – Alexa refuse to speak with you.
• May your GPS lead you on a long route off a short pier.
• May you be abducted by an alien proctologist.
• May all the sexting you do end up on your mother’s Facebook page.
• May all your selfies have dog faces.

 
You may have a few of your own.

This phrase, attributed to an old Chinese curse, was often quoted in England by various politicians. It has never been found in Chinese literature. In 1966 Robert F. Kennedy delivered a speech that quoted this curse. I don’t think anyone will deny that we live in “interesting times”.
 
Let’s review the facts:
​

• There’s an impeachment inquiry in Congress against the President. We don’t know how this will play out, but it is cause for concern.
• There’s an election coming in 2020 that seems to have the sole purpose of unseating the President to prevent him from serving a second term. The last one-term president was George H.W. Bush, a Republican who lost to Democrat Bill Clinton in 1992.
• There seems to be a mass shooting very other month with little change in gun laws.
• There’s the constant threat of terrorism that could strike anywhere at any time.
• There’s the issue of deaths and illnesses from vaping or e-cigarettes. As of October 1, 2019, 1,080 lung injury cases have been reported to CDC from 48 states and 1 U.S. territory. Eighteen deaths have been confirmed in 15 states.
• There’s the whole MeToo issue concerning sexual harassment and rape.
• Other issues include the tariff  wars, high crime rates, affordable healthcare, etc.

 
Need I go on? We live in interesting times. It is a curse. Does anyone know how to lift this curse?

I received this email the other day.

Dear Sir,

You don’t know me, but I recently heard about you through a mutual friend. My name is Reverend John although you may have heard people call me Pastor John. I’m an evangelist preacher and travel the country doing a revival tent show talking about the evils of alcoholism, drug abuse and other depravities. I usually get a couple of hundred people seeking redemption to attend my shows. I normally have a fellow with me who has fallen off the path. His name is Billy Joe. He has been a great help in my mission.

During my meetings, Billy Joe just sits near me on stage, He drinks out of a bottle in a paper bag. He is usually drunk but often just sleeping. He belchers, farts, leers at the women in the audience and otherwise looks and acts disgusting. During my preaching, I point at Billy Joe and tell everyone to change their sinful ways or they’ll end up like Billy Joe. It has a great effect on everyone.

To get to the point, recently Billy Joe died. I’ve been looking for a replacement for him, and your name was mentioned. If you’re available, I’d like to talk with you.

Sincerely,
Pastor John
​
It’s a tempting offer.
​

The Advantages to Being over 70 Years Old

Now that I have achieved the ripe old age of 73, I’m trying to count my blessing and see the advantages of being ancient. Here’s what I came up with so far:
​
You’re too old to die young. Besides, only the good die young.
You no longer have to remember things like birthdays, anniversaries, names of your grandchildren, the name of your significant other, etc. People will assume you have the early stages of dementia.
You get the senior discount. You get the senior discount usually starting at 55.
Most clerks will stop asking for ID. After a while you’ll look so damn old, everyone will assume you’re over 21.
You can retell the old jokes because the youngest generation never heard them. That’s if you can remember them.
Smoke, eat whatever, and drink. It won’t shorten your life by much.
Your significant other won’t have high expectations in the bedroom. As a side note, any sex after 70 is great.
You get a break on your taxes. The best thing to do is to spend your children’s inheritance.
People will assume you’re wise whenever you give advice. Old folks just look wise. People assume if you live long enough, you should learn something. The wisest thing to do is to not give any advice.
You can easily embarrass your children and grandchildren. My favorite is to wear black socks with Bermuda shorts and sandals. A great prank is close your eyes and hold your breath as long as you can. My other favorite is to grab your chest and yell, “I’m coming Martha. It’s the big one.” That last one is from Sanford and Son, a 70’s TV show (just google it).
 
 Perhaps you can think of a few others – let’s hear them.

I read with interest “Ten Things to Add to Your Resume -- And Ten to Remove Immediately” by Liz Ryan, a contributor to Forbes (9/11/2017). She mentioned “Corporate Zombie Speak”, a term I never saw before but understood immediately. (I checked it out, and it’s a real thing.) She mentioned adding things like a powerful summary, full sentences, an explanation for every job change, framing statement for every employer, and framing statement for every role, dragon-slaying stories and your human voice (is there another kind?). All good advice. She said to remove things like your street address, inappropriate email addresses, tasks and duties, praising adjectives, endless bullets, old irrelevant jobs and formatting. Also, good advice. She explains her rationale. Most of these reflect the changing times. Of course, she left out a few things.

As a public service, I will list some things to take out of your resume:
Remove your fraternity or sorority. There are basically two types of fraternities; those who have done something publicly offensive and those who haven't...yet. It would be best not to admit to being a member until after you're hired. Even after you get the job, you may not want to confess.
When listing skills, remember sexting isn’t a skill unless you are applying for a position in the porn industry. Also, while making pipe bombs is certainly a skill, you may want to keep that secret. Drinking beer while standing on your head isn’t a skill you should list. That also goes for stalking, coloring, field stripping an AK47, shooting an RPG, breaking and entering, cooking meth and picking locks.  
Remove references who are still in prison or pending trial. It’s best to wait until they’re out on bail. Don’t list your parole officer as a reference. Same goes for your Drugs Anonymous sponsor.
Remove your Face Book page unless you have sanitized it.
Remove any family as references unless you still have copies of photographs you can use for blackmail.
It may be too soon to list Trump University under Education. Remove that.
Don’t try to convince anyone that the 4 – 7-year gap in your work summary was a vacation.
Don’t misspell the name of the university you claim to have attended.
Don’t try to be clever in your email address, i.e. buttkicker@whatever.com.
You probably should remove the jobs you had in prison.
​
Hopefully, these pointers will help you clean up your resume and get a job.

​I read with interest (last year) an item on my news feed (Wichit News) about the seven questions you should ask your date on the first date. The questions concerned things like hobbies, careers, passions, goals and relationships. I was surprised because not only did I never ask these questions on the first date, I would never have thought of them. They seem impractical. As a public service, I now present the more practical questions you should ask on a first date:

1. Are you over 18? This should be your first question. Trust me. It’ll save you a lot of problems later. Don’t trust the answer – ask for two forms of ID.
2. Were you followed? This question is not a “yes” or “no” question. A yes or no answer is the wrong answer. The correct answer would be along the lines of, “Huh? What?”
3. Are you a registered sex offender? You probably should check this out prior to your date. The answers can be tricky. If the answer is “yes”, that’s a deal breaker. If the answer is “no”, then follow up with “Are you an unregistered sex offender? You could save time by simply asking. “Are you a sex offender?”
4. Were you ever on America’s Most Wanted or The Hunt with John Walsh? Here’s another question you should check into prior to your date. If the answer is “yes”, proceed with caution – might have been the victim.
5. Does your significant other or mom know you’re here? This is a trick question. “Of course not.” is not an acceptable answer. If the significant other or mom tags along, you have your answer.
6. Are you an extraterrestrial, or illegal alien? Whether this is a deal breaker or not is up to you.
7. What’s your safe word? This question used to be saved until the third date, but times change. Better to know ahead of time.
8. Are you terminally ill? If the answer is yes, then follow up with, “How much time do you have?” This will determine how many dates you can have.
9. What’s my name? If your date can’t remember your name that will tell how the date will go or whether your date has dementia.
10. Is your divorce finalized? This is another question where a simple “no” answer may not be sufficient. If the answer is “no”, the next question should be, “When will it be final?”
11. What did the voices in your head say about me? The answer to this question will be revealing.
12. Did you dress yourself? This simple question is deep on many levels. It says something about your date’s mental health, significant others, health and color coordination. Having the belt and shoes match is not enough.
13. Are you packing? You always need to know about concealed weapons. You may want to carry a weapon or mace yourself.
14. Anything else I should know about you? Medical? Mental? Emotional?
15. Are any of your exes in law enforcement, criminals or mental patients? Can’t be too careful.

I hope this helps those of you on a first date.

​I’ve noticed lately on TV that screenwriters are using a lot of flashbacks. Flashbacks are good. They can be used to move the plot forward, to explain the motives of a character or to fill in gaps in the back story. However, when the flashbacks have flashbacks, it gets confusing. Here is an example of a short story with too many flashbacks. Enjoy.

Tom spoke into his headset to Mike who was behind a wall of sand bags. “Speak to me Mike. I’m recording. What are we looking it at?”

Mike cleared his throat. “It’s just what we thought. This bomb has the signature of our bomber all over it.”

“How so?” Tom asked.

“Well, it has the standard timer with a feedback loop. If we cut off the timer; the bomb will detonate. It was armed when it was set down and any attempt to move will also detonate it. The C4 and blasting cap are rigged so any attempt to remove them also detonates it.”

“Shit!” Tom whispered. “How much time do you have?”

Mike looked at the timer. “Twenty-four seconds.”

“Okay, you know how to handle this,” Tom said, trying to stay positive. “You’ve done the last two. Plenty of time.”

“Yeah, I know. I’m on it. I just have to cut this blue, black and green wires simultaneously. Piece of cake.” Mike looked at the green wire. It reminded him of his wife, Mary. The wire was the same shade of green as the shoes she wore when he fell in love with her. His mind flew back to the scene at her house so many years ago.

It was the night of the senior prom. They had dated all through high school, but it was during the senior prom that he knew – knew for sure she was the one. As she descended the stairs, the first thing he saw were those green patent leather shoes. Then came that green dress and finally Mary’s beautiful face with those gorgeous green eyes. Her hair had a matching green ribbon. Mike knew then that Mary was the one he wanted to marry, to bare his children and to grow old together. He was smitten. They married right after college.

Mary thought about those green shoes too. She loved those shoes and wore them even after they were married. She wore them for two baptisms and two confirmations. The dress didn’t fit well after the first kid was born and not at all after the second, but the shoes still fit. Mary wondered whatever happened to those shoes. Then she recalled putting them in a shoe box, stuffing newspaper around them and placing them in an old trunk in the attic. She decided to look for them later.

Bang! Mary was startled by the Honor Guard firing their rifles in salute of their fallen comrade. Mary’s mind snapped back to the present. A bugler started to play taps. A second bugler, hidden behind a small knoll played the echo. Mary started to cry when she saw Tom walking toward her with a tri-folded flag.

As Tom approached Mary with Mike’s flag he thought she still looked as beautiful as the day he first met her so many years ago. His mind wandered back to freshman year of high school. Tom and Mike had been best friends since grade school. They did everything together; sports, homework and even cheated. Finally, their math teacher caught them and tried to keep them separated by seating a girl between them. That girl was Mary. That didn’t work as Mary became part of their team. Teachers called them the three Musketeers. When Mike married Mary, Tom was the best man. They have been best friends forever. Now Mike was gone. Tears streamed down Tom’s face as he presented Mike’s flag to Mary.

Later, at the reception, Mary managed to corner Tom alone. “Tom, did you figure out what went wrong?”

Tom hung his head to avoid her eyes. “The investigation is still going on.”

Mary stuck her face inches in front of Tom’s and used her hand to raise his chin. “Tom, it’s me, Mary. Don’t give me that bullshit. He was my husband and your best friend. We’ve been friends since high school. Now tell me what you know.”

“Okay, okay. It’s not conclusive. We found what was left of the bomb. Mike knew what he was supposed to do. He was supposed to cut three wires simultaneously. But those wires weren’t cut -- none of them. He was talking to me and then he just went silent. I don’t know why. He never cut those wires.”

Mary stepped back and let Tom’s words sink in. “What happened? Why didn’t he cut those wires?” 

Tom shook his head. “I don’t know.”
 
“Well you must have a working theory. What do you think, Tom? Tell me the truth.”
 
Tom thought for a moment. “To tell you the truth, Mary. I think he had a flashback that lasted too long.”
 
THE END