Here are some of the clues that you aren’t a good neighbor:

1. 1.      A fire truck shows up whenever you start to barbeque.
2. 2.      The FBI sets up a stake out in the house across the street.
3. 3.      The pizza delivery person won’t come to your house.
4.  4.     The neighbors call their kids inside every time you go outside.
5.       All your neighbors are selling their homes.
6.       Your neighbors are building high fences and topping them with barbed wire and glass.
7.       There’s a news van parked in front of your house.
8.       People out walking cross the street rather than walk in front of your house.
9.       When you leave the house, a drone follows you.
10.   The garbage company won’t pick up your trash.

These are only a few of the signs that you may be a bad neighbor. Perhaps you know from experience a few others.

According to a new book by former #WhiteHouse communications director Dan Pfeiffer, Yes, We (Still) Can, the ex-president advised him to answer three questions about his girlfriend if they are getting serious. The three questions are:
1.      Is she someone you find interesting?
2.      Does she make you laugh?
3.      Do you think she’ll make a good mom?
 
As good as these questions are, I think this are incomplete. I would add these additional questions:
1.      Are you over 18? Trust me. It’ll save you a lot of problems later. Don’t trust the answer – ask for two forms of ID.
2.      Are you a registered sex offender? The answers can be tricky. If the answer is “yes”, that’s a deal breaker. If the answer is “no”, then follow up with “Are you an unregistered sex offender? To could save time by simply asking. “Are you a sex offender?”
3.      Are you an extraterrestrial, or illegal alien? Whether this is a deal breaker or not is up to you.
4.      Are you terminally ill? If the answer is yes, then follow up with, “How much time do you have?” This will determine how many more dates you can have.
5.      What did the voices in your head say about me? The answer to this question will be revealing.
I hope this helps you decide on continuing your relationship.

You may have read Mitch Albom’s novel, The Five People You Meet in #Heaven. With a wink and a nod to Mr. Albom, I now present The Five People You Meet in Hell. Sorry, it’s a blog not a novel – maybe later.
Okay, you screwed up and you know it. You’re going to hell. No sweat, you say. You’ve many friends in hell, so you won’t be lonely. True. The company you keep puts you in hell. Here’s a clue; your enemies are there too, waiting for you. Here’re the five people who’ll meet you at the gates of hell when you arrive:

1. Your ex-girlfriend/ boyfriend and/or ex-spouse. Remember how you treated your significant other? You cheated. You lied about it. You confessed and promised never to do it again. Then you cheated again and lied again. You thought you got away this last time. Your ex knows what you did and will confront you in hell. What you don’t know is that you caused your ex to have a crisis about his/her sexuality. He/she blamed him/herself more than you. Your ex went into therapy. Finally, he/she had a sex change operation. Your ex then joined a commune to “find him/herself.” In a freak accident, your ex smoked some loco weed that looked like marijuana. It was fatal. With his/her dying breath, he/she swore revenge on you.

2. Your best friend from high school/college? You remember your best friend? You two vowed to be best friends forever. That was until you stabbed your BF in the back. You stole your BF’s girl/guy. You did it without a thought of how you hurt him/her. What you don’t know is that your BF had trust issue after that. He/she never trusted anyone again. He/she became very bitter and mean. With no friends, your BF sat alone at home watching reruns of Gillian’s Island. It wasn’t cable or satellite, because your BF did not trust the installer to show up at all. In a freak accident, a flock of pigeons killed your BF while your he/she was feeding them.

3. Your old boss. You do remember your old boss? The one that didn’t give you that bonus or promotion. He said you didn’t achieve the goals set for you. He said you wasted time playing games on the computer and taking naps in the stockroom. It was all true. What you don’t know is that he didn’t get a bonus or promotion either. Your failure caused him to fail too. Eventually, the company fired him for poor performance. He couldn’t get another job because he couldn’t get a referral. The industry blackballed him. He became homeless and wandered around aimlessly – without goals. In a tragic accident, he was cooked to death due to a malfunction in the heating grate he was sleeping on. Investigators found your name scribbled on the side of his cardboard box with the words, “I’ll see you in hell.”

4. Your old school teacher. You must remember your old school teacher – the one you caused to have a nervous breakdown? She was a 30-year veteran but had never met anyone as bad as you. She even told you to your face if you ever go to hell, she would find you and kill you -- again. What you may not know is she gave up teaching and joined a street gang. For several years, she committed drive-by shootings of students. When her eyesight failed, she retired to a rural area in Montana. A black bear killed her when she tried to spank it after it climbed into her apple tree. She thought it was you. The police found a picture of you with your eyes gouged out in her cabin.

5. Jack Hodges. You remember Jack Hodges? Probably not. Everyone remembers him as One-eyed Jack. Your mom always told you not to throw pencils but when Jack asked to borrow a pencil, you threw it. Sure enough, he lost an eye. That was bad enough, but what you don’t know was worst. People bullied and teased One-eyed Jack the rest of his life. He finally had enough and chose a life of crime. One day the police caught up with him, and he died in a hail of bullets. The police said with his dying breath, he said it was all your fault.
​
So, have fun in hell.
​

I received this email the other day.
Dear Sir,

You don’t know me, but I recently heard about you through a mutual friend. My name is Reverend John although you may have heard people call Pastor John. I’m an evangelist preacher and travel the country doing a revival tent show talking about the evils of alcoholism, drug abuse and other depravities. I usually get a couple of hundred people seeking redemption to attend my shows. I normally have a fellow with me who has fallen off the path. His name is Billy Joe. He has been a great help in my mission.

During my meetings, Billy Joe just sits near me on stage, He drinks out of a bottle in a paper bag. He is usually drunk but often just sleeping. He belchers, farts, leers at the women in the audience and otherwise looks and acts disgusting. During my preaching, I point at Billy Joe and tell everyone to change their sinful ways or they’ll end up like Billy Joe. It has a great effect on everyone.

To get to the point, recently Billy Joe died. I’ve been looking for a replacement for him, and your name was mentioned. If you’re available, I’d like to talk with you.

Sincerely,
Pastor John
​
It’s a tempting offer.
​

#​I read with interest “Ten Things to Add to Your Resume -- And Ten to Remove Immediately” by Liz Ryan, a contributor to Forbes (9/11/2017). She mentioned “Corporate Zombie Speak”, a term I never saw before but understood immediately. (I checked it out and it’s a real thing.) She mentioned adding things like a powerful summary, full sentences, an explanation for every job change, framing statement for every employer, and framing statement for every role, dragon-slaying stories and your human voice (is there another kind?). All good advice. She said to remove things like your street address, inappropriate email addresses, tasks and duties, praising adjectives, endless bullets, old irrelevant jobs and formatting. Also good advice. She explains her rationale. Most of these reflect the changing times. Of course, she left out a few things.
 
As a public service, I will list some things to take out of your resume:
1.      Remove your fraternity or #sorority. There are basically two types of fraternities; those who have done something publicly offensive and those who haven't...yet. It would be best not to admit to being a member until after you're hired. Even after you get the job, you may not want to confess.
2.      When listing skills, remember #sexting isn’t a skill unless you are applying for a position in the porn industry. Also, while making pipe bombs is certainly a skill, you may want to keep that secret. Drinking beer while standing on your head isn’t a skill you should list. That also goes for stalking, coloring, field stripping an AK47, shooting an RPG, breaking and entering, cooking meth and picking locks.  
3.      Remove references who are still in prison or pending trial. It’s best to wait until they’re out on bail. Don’t list your parole officer as a reference. Same goes for your Drugs Anonymous sponsor.
4.      Remove your Face Book page unless you have sanitized it.
5.      Remove any family as references unless you still have copies of photographs you can use for blackmail.
6.      It may be too soon to list #Trump University under Education. Remove that.
7.      Don’t try to convince anyone that the 4 – 7-year gap in your work summary was a vacation.
8.      Don’t misspell the name of the university you claim to have attended.
9.      Don’t try to be clever in your email address, i.e. buttkicker@whatever.com.
10.  You probably should remove the jobs you had in prison.
 
Hopefully, these pointers will help you clean up your resume and get a job.