​Good Cop Bad Cop—A Short Short Story
 
Detectives Chile R. Ainsworth and Anastasia Shvets returned to police headquarters after getting coffee and donuts. The desk sergeant stopped at the front desk and said, “You have a suspect in interrogation room 2. The captain wants you guys to interview him.”
 
As they walked down the hallway, Ainsworth asked. “Should we play Good Cop/ Bad cop?”
 
Shvets smiled. “Yesh, sure. We haven’t done that for a while. I’ll be the bad cop. You’re such a push over.”
 
“Sure,” Ainsworth agreed.
 
A shy looking man in his mid-40’s was sitting at the table when they walked in. Immediately, Shvets grabbed a folding chair and threw it at the one-way window which cracked. “Okay you asshole, I know you did it. Confess now or I’m really going to get pissed.”
 
“I didn’t do anything,” the man said.
 
“Bullshit. Confess now or we’ll throw the book at you,” Shvets yelled as he banged his fists on the table.
 
The man pulled back as far as he could. “Okay, I’ll confess.”
 
“That’s more like,” Shvets said as he and Ainsworth sat down. “Go ahead. Spill.”
 
The man wipes his forehead. “You’ve got to believe me. I’m just the custodian. I came in here to empty the trash, and I forgot to block the door open. The door closed behind me and locked. I’ve been sitting here for thirty minutes waiting for someone to open the door so I can get out.”
 
Ainsworth and Shvets looked at each other. “Oh shit,” Shvet said. “I’m sorry, man. We thought you were a criminal.”
 
Ainsworth stood and opened the door. “You’re free to good. Sorry about the mix up.”
 
The man walked out. A few minutes later, the captain stuck his head in the door. “You let Mad Max go? Why did you let him go?”
 
Ainsworth and Shvets looked at each other, again. Ainsworth spoke up first, “His alibi checked out.” Shvets nodded in agreement.
 
“I’ll be damn,” the captain said. “I thought for sure he was the serial killer.” The captain looked at the one-glass window. “When did that glass get cracked?”
 
“It was like that when we got here,” Shvets answered.
 
“Okay, complete the report and get back to work,” the captain said.
 
“Roger that,” both Ainsworth and Shvets replied.
 
THE END

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​5/21 Wisdom from an Old Man; Remember the men and women on activity duty and in the National Guard and in the Reserved on Armed Forces Day (May 21).

I actually wrote this few years ago. Since politics are always in the news and midterm elections are coming up, I pulled it up, dusted it off, and updated it. It’s a little long for one posting, so I’ll post it in parts. Here’s Part 2. Enjoy.
 
Chameleon Politics
 
Gladys brought up a screen with a picture of Chan. It showed him slightly darker. On his desk was a picture of Nelson Mandela with an inscription scribbled on the bottom of the photograph out of focus. Gladys used her laser pointer to point out several features. “The bookends are now footballs. The Bible is on the shelf.”
 
“Sexual orientation is another core value,” Gladys continued. “We know that conservatives won’t vote for a gay candidate or one that favors gay rights. Liberals will vote for a gay candidate but not exclusively. If another core value is more important, they will vote that core value. The LGBTQ+ community will always for a gay candidate.”
 
“I’m sorry,” Ted interrupted. “Remind me what LGBTQ stands for.”
 
“It’s an acronym for ‘lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer’ with a "+" sign to recognize the limitless sexual orientations used by members that community,” Gladys answered. “We don’t appeal to the LGBTQ+ voters, but we try not to offend them.”
 
“The last core value is age,” Walt said. “We use CGI to make you look slightly younger. We know that the national median age is 36.8 years old. That’s the age we want you to look. However, voters between 40 and 64 make up almost a third of the population. Since that’s your age range, we don’t use CGI for voters who identify in that age group. Voters over 65 make up 12.8% of the population. When a voter identifies as being over 65, we add a little grey around your temples.” Gladys brought up a picture of Chan showing grey hair around his temples.
 
Chan stood up. “Okay, I think I’ve seen enough. Ted will work with you on a contract.” Chan turned toward Ted. “Make sure that part about no fee is we lose is in the contract.”
 
Everyone stood up as Chan shook hands and left the room. “This is going to be an interesting champaign,” Ted said as he led Gladys and Walt to his office.
 
The End
 
For e-books by me, visit http://smashwords.com/profile/view/monteranderson or Amazon.com. Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/monteranderson
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​

Ted held up his hand. “Wait. Wait. What if the viewer answers all the questions?”
 
“Here again the simplest technique is the best. We ask. The last question asks them to rate which value is the most important to them. Let’s move to ethnicity.”
 
Gladys advanced to a new chart as Walt continued. “We know that as of 2013 the US population is 63.7% white, not including white Latino or mixed. If that’s the most important value to the viewer, the software will show him the generic picture.”
 
Walt picked up. “We know that 12.2% of the popular is African-American and another 9.11% is mixed. African Americans are mostly Democrats. Only 11% voted for Bush in 2004. 10% voted Republican in 2014. Here is where it gets interesting. We took pictures of one hundred African-Americans. Half are popular movie or TV stars. One quarter are popular athletes and the last quarter are popular entertainers. We morphed them together to get one image. Then we took your generic CGI and morphed it with the image using 80% of you. We come up with this.”
 
Gladys advanced to a new picture. “Notice that your skin is darker, almost a nice tan. Your face has changed slightly around the lips, nose, hair, and eye color. The changes are subtle. The tie color has changed to black. The titles on the books have changed to Roots by Alex Haley and The Color Purple by Alice Walker. We have changed to slug line to read, ‘Power to the People.’ The picture shows you standing next to Coretta Scott King.”
 
Chan laughed. “Why not Al Sharpton?”
 
 “We thought he might object,” Walt joked. “Besides, we don’t use living people. It just leads to law suits.”
 
Gladys advanced to another picture. “We know that Latinos make up 16.4 % of the population. We did the same thing with your picture using one hundred popular Latinos. The picture in the background shows you shaking hands with Enrique Peña Nieto.”
 
“Who?” asked Chan.
 
Walt and Galdys looked at each other. “The President of Mexico,” said Walt.
 
Gladys continued. “Your tie has changed color to green, white and red – the colors of the Mexican flag. Originally, we considered using a guayabera, but we thought that went too far.”
 
“What’s a gay bera?” asked Ted. “Is that something to do with gay rights?”
 
“Guayabera,” corrected Gladys. “It’s a Mexican dress shirt. The lapel pin is still an American flag. The trophy has changed to a soccer player.”
 
“These things seem like stereotypes,” said Chan. “Aren’t they offensive?”
 
“They would be if taken out of context. Here they are very subtle.”
 
“We must not discount the oriental voters. They make less than five percent of the popular but they are important.”
 
Gladys advanced to a new photograph. “You will notice slight changes in your photograph. The tie has changed to yellow. The lapel pin is now a Ying and Yang symbol.  The trophy is now a karate trophy. There is a picture of you standing next to Bruce Lee.”
 
“Gender is our next consideration,” said Walt. “There were over 158.6 million females in the United States in 2009. The number of males was 151.4 million. At age 85 and older, there were more than twice as many women as men.”
 
Gladys advanced to a new photo. “Research has shown that women prefer v-shaped bodies with a waist-to-hip ratio of approximately 0.9-1.0 and a chest-to-waist ratio of around 1.33. Here you will notice we have broadened your shoulders and reduced your waist line.”
 
Chan laughed. “You mean I have been wasting my time dieting and going to the gym?”
 
Gladys continued. “Women are subconsciously attracted to power. Running for President certainly eludes power but so does money. We have changed your watch to a very expensive one. Your suit too. Your wedding ring now has a diamond in it. The ring is back on your right hand. The shoes are expensive.”
 
“Most women don’t like body hair,” said Walt. “We have removed any body hair except on your head.”
 
“I thought the suit hid all that hair,” protested Chan.
 
Walt smiled. “We removed excess hair from your knuckles, the back of your hand, your ears and nose.”
 
Chan sighed. “I guess I didn’t realize how much hair I had.”
 
Gladys picked up, “Women also prefer taller men. You will notice that we lowered the background in the picture to make you appear taller. We also raised your chair by three inches and lengthened your legs. We added three inches to your torso.”
 
Walt interrupted, “Now is a good time for us to mention some additions to your staff.”
Ted perked up. “Oh?”
 
Walt smiled. “Don’t worry, they’re included in our price.”
 
Gladys advanced to a photograph of five people, two men and three women. The gentleman in the center is the team leader. He is five foot eight and the tallest of the bunch. The other man is five six. Two of the women are five four and this woman is five two. They will stand next to you in public. At six feet, you will appear to tower over them. We’ll talk more about them later.”
 
Walt continued. “Women prefer a proud facial look over a smile, so we changed your expression to one that is less smile and more pride.”
 
Chan pointed at the picture. “You changed my jaw line too.”
 
Gladys answered. “Yes. Women like a chiseled jaw look and longer hair.”
 
“So what happens when people see me in person?” asked Chan.
 
“We are talking about millions of voters, most of whom will never ever meet you in person,” Walt answered.
 
“And what about public appearances?” asked Ted.
 
“Those shots are never quite clear enough and are usually brief,” answered Gladys. “We’ll advise you in your public appearance based on the audience who will attend.”
 
“Let’s move on to religion, shall we?” suggested Walt.
 
Gladys advanced to a new photo. “Catholics make up nineteen percent of the population. They’re split fairly equally between the two parties. White evangelicals tend to favor conservative candidates. Secular voters are increasingly Democratic.
 
Walt picked up as Gladys advanced to a new photograph. “This what Catholic voters will see. The lapel pin is a fish symbol. The tie is gold and white, the colors of the Vatican City flag. The trophy has been replaced with a crucifix.”
 
“Why isn’t there a Bible on the bookcase?” asked Ted.
 
Walt smiled. “Catholics don’t read the Bible.”
 
Gladys continued, “Protestants do however.” She advanced to a new picture. “Now the Bible is on the shelf. The crucifix is replaced with a plain cross. The lapel pin is also a cross.”
 
“What about the Jews?” asked Ted.
 
“Jews don’t vote on the religious value unless the candidate is Jewish. They will always vote for a Jewish candidate.”
 
“What about Muslims?” asked Chan.
 
“Muslims make up less than one percent,” answered Gladys. “We don’t worry about them.”
 
Walt picked up. “We know that 14.2% of the population is African-American. This includes those who identify as ‘black only’ and as mixed black. The Democratic candidate for president over the five presidential elections since 2000 has averaged 91% of the Black vote, with 8% on average going to the Republican candidate. Only 11% voted for Bush in 2004. 10% voted Republican in 2014.”
 
Here is where it gets interesting. We took pictures of one hundred African-Americans. Half are popular movie or TV stars. One quarter are popular athletes and the last quarter are popular entertainers. We morphed them together to get one image. Then we took your generic CGI and morphed it with the image using 80% of you. We come up with this.”
Gladys brought up a screen with a picture of Chan.
 
To be continued.

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​

I actually wrote this few years ago. Since politics are always in the news and midterm elections are coming up, I pulled it up, dusted it off, and updated it. It’s a little long for one posting, so I’ll post it in parts. Here’s Part 2. Enjoy.
 
Gladys advanced to the next picture as Walt continued. “Hardcore Republicans and hardcore Democrats vote the party line no matter what. However, during the Primaries, all the candidates represent the same party. You’ll have to earn the votes of your own party members. On the website, each viewer is asked to answer a short survey. We use it to help determine the viewer’s core values. The software will ask the viewer whether he or she would consider themselves a conservative, a moderate or a liberal.”
 
Ted leaned forward. “How do you define those terms?”
 
“It doesn’t matter. It’s strictly from the viewer’s point of view. Here’s what the viewer will see if he or she selects conservative.”
 
Gladys advanced to a new picture.
 
Walt continued. “Conservative Republicans tend to use the constitution as their bible. They also tend to be more religious. They tend to have money. They believe in limiting the intrusion of the government into their lives. The picture they’ll see will show you with a more expensive watch and suit. The lapel pin is an elephant. The tie is silk. The books on the bookshelf change titles to The Men Who Built America, a Bible, and books on the constitution. The book ends will change to pistols. On your right hand is an expensive ring.”
 
Chan laughed. “Is that a picture of me standing next to Trump? What a riot. And what about moderates?”
 
Gladys advanced to another picture. “We just tone down the watch and replaced the pistol bookends with American Flags or Statues of Liberty. Liberal Republicans or Libertarians are more like Democrats. For them we change the photograph to one of Ronald Regan. We want to capture the voters who may not vote the party line. They’ll vote according to one of the other political values. You’ll notice some subtle changes on your picture.”
 
Gladys pointed to the lapel pin as Walt continued. “The tie remains red. If you were a Democrat, it would be blue. The slug line now reads ‘Grand Old Party.’”
 
“Notice this picture on the desk,” Gladys said while pointing. “It shows you standing in front of the Washington D.C. Temple of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. That appeals to your Mormon voters.”
 
“That never happened,” protested Chan.
 
“Again, it doesn’t matter,” said Walt. “Remember, we are trying to create a first impression. No one is actually saying that it’s you in that picture. It just gives that impression. It’s mainly subconscious. In all the years that we have been using this software, no one has ever questioned a photograph.”
 
“And what if a Democrat looks at the website?” asked Ted.
 
Gladys advanced to a new photo. “He or she will see this generic picture. The lapel pin is the flag, and the tie is blue.”
 
“What about the Tea Party?” asked Chan.
 
Gladys chuckled. “For all practical purposes Tea party members are conservative Republicans. The software treats them the same.”
 
“How does your software know which party to use?”
 
“That’s a good question. Let us discuss that now. You’re familiar with computer cookies?”
 
“Yes, of course. There’re embedded files on a user’s computer.”
 
Walt smiled. “Then you know that website use these files to access information about the viewer so they can deliver tailored information. We use them too.”
 
Ted leaned forward. “Okay, but users can turn off their cookies. What then?”
 
Walt smiled. “Another good question. We don’t spy on voters. If their cookies are turned off, we simply ask them to complete the short survey I mentioned earlier. We ask questions on everything we need to know.”
 
“But on the survey, can’t viewers skip questions or opt out of some questions?”
 
“Yes, of course. If they opt out altogether, they’ll see the generic picture. However, our research shows that viewers will not opt out of the political values that they feel strongly about. For example, some voters might decline to answer the question of race, but voters who’re proud of their ethnicity will answer. That then becomes their most important value and the one that the software uses to bring up the correct picture according to the hierarchy of political values.
 
Chan was surprised. “How many more pictures are there?”
 
“You’ll see as we go along. If the software can’t determine if the viewer is a hardcore party member, it goes to the next core value.”

I actually wrote this few years ago. Since politics are always in the news and midterm elections are coming up, I pulled it up, dusted it off, and updated it. It’s a little long for one posting, so I’ll post it in parts. Enjoy.
 
Chameleon Politics
 
Walt and Gladys marched into Senator Mattingly’s office behind Ted Surut, the Senator’s campaign manager. Teddy Surut, made the introductions pointing to the visitors in turn, “Senator, this’s Walter Strange, CEO of The Peoples’ Choice Consultants, and his VP for Operations, Gladys Saye. Mr. Strange and Ms. Saye, may I present the next president of the United States, Channing Mattingly.”
 
The senator laughed as he shook hands. “My campaign manager is very optimistic as you can see. Please, call me Chan. Have a seat.” Walt and Gladys sat down in overstuffed chairs. Senator Mattingly sat at his desk.
 
“If you hire us, he may be right,” Walt said. “You can call me Walt.”
 
Ted sat on the arm rest of a side chair. “Let’s keep it professional Mr. Strange, at least until we make a decision, shall we? Senator, I invited Mr. Strange in to make a proposal. I think they might have a lot to offer us, and it will be worth hearing what they have to say.”
 
Gladys opened a portable monitor and connected her laptop. She turned the monitor so Chan could see it. Ted pulled his chair over behind Chan so he could see the monitor. “I’ll make most of the presentation while Walt will add a comment or two.” Gladys said. “Feel free to stop us and ask anything as we go along.”
 
Walt started, “Senator, my company, The Peoples’ Choice Consultants, is a political consulting company. We augment your campaign staff. We don’t replace anyone. We work and advise your campaign manager. We have helped many politicians to get elected. In fact, everyone who has hired us has been elected. We have not had one loss. And, we don’t charge anything if you lose.”
 
“Who have you helped?” Chan asked.
 
“Sir, I’m not at liberty to tell you that. Part of our contracts include a confidentiality clause. We never disclose who hires us. I can name one of the candidates who turned down our proposals.
 
“Who?” Ted asked.
 
“We made a pitch to Hillary Clinton a few years ago. She decided that she didn’t need us. She lost in the primaries. Our surveys found that if she had hired us, she would have won, and we would have had a female president.”
 
“That’s a bold statement,” Ted said.
 
“We can back that up with our research,” Gladys said.
 
Walt continued. “Our research shows that people vote for candidates they like. It also shows that they like people who’re very much like themselves. And they decide whether they like someone in the first few seconds that they meet someone. That also includes when they see their picture. Some researchers say a person will decide, subconsciously, to like someone within three seconds. Some say more like thirty seconds. Either way, it’s a very short time. And, as they say, ‘you only get one chance to make a first impression’. People seldom change their opinion.” 
 
“I think we all know that,” Chan commented. “I always try to make a good first impression.”
 
“Of course, you do. But we have developed software that’ll help you make that first impression on your website and web presence.”
 
“What’s this going to cost me?’ asked Chan.
 
“Senator, I’m not going to answer that question now. We have found that when we disclose the cost, the clients focus on that and try to negotiate without hearing the entire proposal. It’s better to wait until you see what we’re offering. I’ll say this again--if you aren’t elected we’ll refund your fee.”
 
“Fair enough,” Chan said. “Proceed.”
 
“Our research has shown the majority of voters vote according to a hierarchy of political values. Those values are from top to bottom: party affiliation, race, gender, religion, sexual orientation, and age. I’ll discuss each of these in turn.  Research shows that now days, most people will view a website or commercial before deciding how to vote. We want to show you what we think is the ideal website for you and a photograph you can use in your commercials. On the average, voters see between twelve and fifteen commercials before voting.
 
“Whether they want to or not,” Ted added wryly.
 
Gladys advanced to a picture of Channing sitting in a chair in front of a bookcase. “This is the generic version of the pictures that voters visiting your website will see,” Gladys said. “Of course, if you hire us, we’ll use an actual photograph of you. Let me point out some subtle features in the picture.” Gladys pulled out a laser pointer and pointed to the chair in the picture. “You should sit in a chair and not behind a desk. A desk creates a visual barrier, a wall, between you and the viewer. A chair is friendlier. The chair is set at a 45-degree angle which makes you seem thinner and covers up your crotch area.
 
“So, I don’t have to worry whether my fly is unzipped,” Chan replied joking. Everyone chuckled.
 
“Good idea,” Ted said. “I’d like that. I’m going to start sitting like that.” Everyone chuckled.
 
Gladys continued, “Your hands rest on the arms of the chair with your left hand foremost and your feet are flat on the floor, not crossed at the ankles. Crossing them is a very negative thing.”
 
“Wait, wait,” Chan said. “How’d you get this picture of me?”
 
Walt laughed. “We start with a picture of your face and the rest is CGI.”
 
“CGI?”
 
“I’m sorry. Computer Generated Imagery,” Walt answered.
 
Gladys continued. “You’ll notice several things in this picture.” Gladys pointed at each in turn with the laser pointer. “Your watch is visible on your left wrist. You wedding ring is visible on your left hand. You have a red tie on. Red is a bold and warm color. You have a lapel pin – an American flag in this picture. On the bookcase behind you is a miniature trophy, a football trophy. Voters like athletic candidates.”
 
“But I didn’t play football,” Chan protested. “Tennis was my sport, and I was never any good.
 
“Doesn’t matter,” Walt said. “Remember we are talking about a three second first impression. Consciously the mind doesn’t register the trophy but subconsciously it does. The same for all the items Gladys points out. If you have any actual trophies, we’ll use them”
 
“On the bookshelf there are books by Mark Twain, history books and a science book,” Gladys continued. The book ends are miniature statues of the White House. “Below your picture is a message. We call this the slug line. In this picture it says, ‘Your vote is important to me. Please vote.’”
 
“Research has shown that people respond more favorably when they see the word ‘please,’” Walt said. “Now we’ll show you how this software alters each picture based on the hierarchy of political values. The highest political value is party affiliation. On your desk will be two pictures: one of you with your family and one of Ronald Regan.”

Alternative Facts about the Oldest Tricks in the Book
I hate it when someone says, “That’s the oldest trick in the book.” I guess I hate it, because I don’t have a copy of the book. I googled “oldest trick in the book” and there’s a lot of information on the subject. I don’t want to repeat the information I found, so I’ll offer some “alternative facts.” Some data does exist on some old jokes, and some is pure conjecture.

There’re “tricks” and then there’re “tricks”. Regular tricks trick people. When a prostitute has sex with a “John” that’s called a “trick”. It’s safe to assume that Eve “tricked” Adam into eating from the Tree of Knowledge. Therefore, Eve invented the oldest trick in the book. I’m guessing most of the oldest tricks came from Adam and Eve. I’m sure at some point, Adam said to Eve, “look, a Tyrannosaurus Rex.” When she looked, Adam laughed and said, “Made you look.” That caused Eve to tie Adam’s big toes together while he slept. I’m sure that once Adam made a wolf a family pet, he started to blame the wolf for his farts.

When Cain and Abel came along, Adam started the old “pull my finger’ trick. He also invented the “there's something on your shirt” trick. When Cain or Abel looked down, he would flick them on the nose. Adam would just roar with laughter, but Cain and Abel hated it. Not to be out done, Cain invented the old "tapping on Abel’s left shoulder when he was on his right." Abel didn’t care for this trick either, and they got into a fight where Cain killed Abel.

You may recall that Jacob invented the “wolf in sheep’s clothing” trick to get his father’s blessing instead of his brother Esau. Delilah may have used Eve’s old trick to trick Samson. Apparently, she gave him a roofie and then cut his hair. She wasn’t a good barber, so Samson got pissed and tore the palace apart.

We all recall the story about the “Trojan horse” trick the Greeks pulled on the citizens of Troy. That trick inspired a condom company to adopt the name “Trojan” for their name and logo. I guess if you let them inside, you’re screwed. Of course, this can’t be the oldest trick in the book.

The old “gluing coins to the sidewalk or counter” trick didn’t come along until coins were invented, so that’s not the oldest trick either. It didn’t take long for a smartass merchant in ancient India to glue newly minted coins to his countertop in his shop. That same merchant may have started the “the check’s in the mail” trick. Of course, the old “ring the doorbell and run” trick did come along until electricity and doorbells were invented.

Card tricks aren’t that old. They had to wait for cards to be invented somewhere in China around the ninth century.
​
Perhaps you know of some trick that might be the oldest trick in the book.

The old TV series, The Six Million Dollar Man, started each show with the quote, "Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to make the world's first bionic man. Steve Austin will be that man. Better than he was before. Better...stronger...faster." Well, we now have the technology to design the future human species – better than before. I’m the proud owner of two artificial hips, artificial lens in my eyes, and bilateral cochlear implants, so I know what I’m talking about—a little.

Science has completed the human DNA sequencing and genome mapping of the species Homo sapiens. Now that that has been mastered, we can begin to create life and create a more perfect human being. In the very near future, we will be able to bring to life more environmental friendly and more efficient human beings. Whether we’ll call them “human” remains to be seen. It’s important that we begin to discuss what we want in a perfect species to replace humans as we know them.

Obviously, we can’t continue to exist in this fashion in an increasingly unfriendly environment. Many parts of our bodies no longer serve a purpose: appendix, body hair, vomeronasal organ in the nose (detects pheromones), wisdom teeth, auricular muscles in the ear lobe (lets some of us wiggle out ears), coccyx (tailbone) erector pili muscles (causes goose bumps) and male nipples. Unless there’s significant changes, homo sapiens will become as extinct as dinosaurs.
For discussion, lets started at the head and work down.

The Head: Let’s face it; our current heads are a mess.

• Vision: We have two eyes in front which allows for depth perception. It’s characteristic of predators. However, it leaves us vulnerable to the sides where our peripheral is weak and blind to the rear and top. Our night vision sucks too. The man of the future should have eyes like a spider on top of the head with enhanced night vision.

 

• Sense of Smell: The nose is poorly designed. It allows to smell our food just before we eat it but has a limited range and capability. It should be forked since most people talk that way anyway. By adding 12 inches will extend the range; one fork for smelling and one for temperature readings.

 

• Sense of Taste: The sense of taste is very limited which explains why so many people have such “bad taste.” The average person has about 10,000 taste buds that can detect only sweet, salty, sour, bitter, or umami taste (“savory”) unlike catfish which typically have more than 100,000 taste buds. Humans of the future can be designed with 100,000 taste buds on their hands. They’ll be able to tell how “good” another person is with just a handshake.

 

• Hearing: Our sense of hearing is so poor, we must use headphones or ear pieces to hear. As we age, our hearing goes. Modern microphones are very tiny. The human of the future doesn’t need ears shaped like airplane wings to hear. A small hole will work. Let’s face it; we use our ears mainly for holding our glasses and jewelry. No need for that nonsense in the future.

 

• Voice: Our mouths get us into a lot of trouble. We speak our mind anytime and anywhere without much forethought to what we are saying. That will be solved by removing the vocal cords. Futures man will communicant telepathically without speaking. The mouth will be made as wide as the foot to ensure an easy fit.

 
Neck: Our current necks have a limited range of motion. Future man will be able to rotate his neck 180 degrees like an owl.

Heart: The human body was originally designed with redundant parts: arms, legs, eyes, ears, kidneys, etc. Even the brain has two parts. Fortunately, we have only one mouth. However, we currently have only one heart. WTF? When that heart fails – we’re done. Humans of the future will have two hearts.

Arms: How many times have you been working on something and suddenly realized you could use another hand or arm? No kidding. Two arms are too few. Three arms would be ideal, but it would make designing clothes awkward. Four arms is the best solution.

Hands: Let’s face it; you need an apposable thumb. The thumb allows humans to grasp things and to beat the hell out of others. The index finger is needed to point the way and to type slowly. The middle finger is used for obscene gestures. In a future world there’d be no need for the middle finger. The ring finger and pinky finger are along just for the ride. A future human would have three fingers. Gone too will be fingernails. We won’t need claws. One of the future fingers will have a sticky surface for picking up small objects.

Legs: Having only two legs has always been a burden for humans. While must critters learn to walk within hours of their births, humans take a year or more, and some never master it. Three legs would be more stable, but three legs would cause problems for clothes designs. Four legs would give future humans a more stable and efficient design not to mention saving wear and tear on knees. The knee joint was never a good design. The legs should be like spider legs with the body setting much lower below the level of the knees. This lowers the center of gravity making the body almost impossible to fall or trip. This would also be the natural position for standing, sitting, and sleeping. Thus, we would eliminate the need for chairs, beds and most furniture in general.

Feet: There was a time when our ancestors use their feet to grasp tree limbs. No longer. Our current design is practically useless. The human of the future won’t have feet. Instead of feet, we’ll have hooves. Makes more sense. What good are toes? They always seem to be in the way. We stub them, smash them and paint the nails. They stink, they hurt and they overheat. The future human won’t have any toes.

Brain: Obviously, the brain is much too small. As we age, our brains become full and lose memory space. Thus, the brain begins to dump old memories to make room for new ones. Like the future heart, the brain needs redundancy. We need a second brain. The second brain will give us a second opinion before we speak and make fools of our future selves. Future man will have two much bigger brains with a much great memory capacity.

Hair: I’m sure that hair served a purpose at one time but now we try to shave it off. The human of the future will be hairless – totally. That’ll save a lot of time and expense now wasted o grooming hair.

Reproduction system: Let’s face facts. Despite what the movies and TV tell us, sex is a messy affair. It also consumes a lot of time that could be used in more productive endeavors. There’s no need for it. Babies can be born in test tubes with better results. The pleasure from sex is short lived. The human of the future will not have sex and thus won’t need sex organs. A larger brain will allow for more pleasure without sex. In fact, there won’t be males or females. There will be just one gender. This will solve a lot of issues we currently have.

Digestive System: Our digestive tract isn’t the greatest. Regardless of what we eat, we never know what will come out; might be a river or a cow pile. Rabbits and deer do it right. Their poop comes out as small pellets. Future humans will crap pellets like rabbits – much more tidy. This will be facilitated by eating only kale.
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I know this is a lot to take in, but we must start now before some Dr. Frankenstein builds a monster.

The Mystique of Manhood (Part 3)

Here’s the last of my soon to be published exposé that’ll blow the lid off the code of silence (bro code) of the brotherhood of men. I can no longer abide with the cover up and fraud that men have perpetuated upon women. At the risk of losing my subscription to Esquire Magazine, I’ll debunk the myths and misconceptions of the mystique of manhood. I’m sure I’ll receive hate mail and threats from my fellow males for violating the bro code. Sorry guys, but the time has come. Our women have spoken. Here’s a preview:

Myth Number 21: Men don’t have feelings.
The Truth: Men do have feelings. For example, sometime we feel hungry.
Myth Number 22: Men don’t like to hug other men.
The Truth: This is another myth. Men hug as long as they can slap each other hard on the back.
Myth Number 23: Men have fragile egos.
The Truth: I resemble that remark. I couldn’t disagree more. Our egos are just find if no one hurts our feelings.
Myth Number 24: Men are basically color blind.
The Truth: Okay, this one is basically true. Of course, there are some exceptional men who are fashion designers and interior decorators. The rest of us have no idea what teal, periwinkle, mauve, marsala and ochre are.
Myth Number 25: Men won’t wear pink.
The Truth: This is another myth. I once had a pink dress shirt. I never wore it, but still…
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I hope this helps you women who are trying to understand men. My expose may be published soon.