By now most of the country is on self-quarantine or some sort of travel restrictions. Not to worry. Here are some ideas to keep yourself busy indoors.

Things Not to do During Self-Quarantine.
Do not take your meth and marijuana to the police department to get tested for COVID-19. It’s a scam folks. They don’t have the proper test kits.

Porn—Do not make an amateur porn video and post it to the internet. Leave that to the professionals. Making one for your private use is okay.

DIY Brain Surgery—Unless you have the proper equipment, leave this to the professionals.

Sports—Some sports aren’t suited for indoors. Do not attempt to throw the javelin or shot put. Another sport that cannot be adapted for indoors is sky diving. Baseball can be adapted form indoor play.

Making Explosive Devices—Unless you’re experienced, now is not a good time to take up making pipe bombs or rockets as a hobby.

Cooking Meth—This isn’t recommended because the odor may drive you out of the house.

Things to do During Self-Quarantine
Poker—Poker is great indoors. For a variation, try strip poker. Of course, if you’re playing with your significant other, there aren’t any surprises. Playing with family may result in unwanted surprises.
Instead of chips, try rolls of toilet paper.

Archery and Rifle Shooting—These are great indoor sports. See if you can shoot an apple off your partner’s head.

Indoor Gardening—Use boxes or buckets of soil to bring your garden indoors. Marijuana is an excellent indoor plant. You may need special lamps.

Talk to your Partner—This may seem difficult at first. Take in short sessions like ten minutes, Try to work up to thirty minutes.  

Mechanics--Take you car apart and then put it back together.

Knife Throwing—Start small and work up to using your significant other as you throw knives around them.
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I hope these ideas will help you stay busy during your self-quarantine and not go stir crazy.

Don’t! Don’t date during the CVC. Wait 21 days or until the quarantine is lifted. Explore your options online. Find out if a potential date has been tested for COVID-19. If you’re already dating someone, use Skype or Facetime to communicate. Email and telephone calls work just as well.

Okay, if you must date because you’re too lonely or horny, then follow these rules:

1. Wear a mask and gloves. Wear full personal protective equipment (PPE) if you have it.
2. Do not touch. It would be idea if one of you are inside behind a picture window or several stories up. Bow or use some hand gesture to say hello. If you need to get closer, stay at least 6 feet away. Use the elbow bump, foot tap, or hip bump. I don’t recommend the head butt.
3. If you ignored all the above advice and actually touched someone, then you may as well move in together and self-quarantine for 14 days. Avoid all sex.

​If all this doesn’t suck all the fun out of dating, nothing will.

My mother is trying to kill me. It won’t do any good to call 911, because she died several years ago. However, she is still trying to kill me. This attempt is centered around how I was raised and the eating habits I learned while she was raising me. Many of the things she taught me have stuck with me well into adulthood and I developed habits which are hard to break; habits that are killing me. My mother was a single mother (off and on) trying to raise three boys. She had to be strict and her rules were always obeyed under threat of physical harm.

As a result, I struggled with my weight all my life. In high school I weighed over 200 pounds my freshman year. I joined the wrestling team and started losing weight to wrestle in a better weight class. By my senior year I was wrestling at the 175-pound weight class. Here’s how my mother tried to kill me:

We always ate under a strict schedule. Breakfast was at 6 am, lunch at noon and supper at 6 pm. It never varied. As I grew older, if I missed a feeding time, there was no food. Skipping meals was forbidden. She never saved any food and my brothers made sure there were no leftovers. This was, of course, pre-microwave. I followed this schedule until my retirement. Very soon after I retired, I ballooned to over 300 pounds. It wasn’t until recently, I discovered that periodic fasting is a good way to lose weight.

Mom always served a desert, and it was usually sweet. I never complained (also forbidden) but now I’m a Type II diabetic. Those deserts were killing me. I do miss them, but they raise my blood sugar to high levels.

Mom always insisted that we clean our plates. She would tell us that kids in China were starving, so we needed to clean our plates. It made no sense to me. I wanted to ship my food to China, but I didn’t know the address. Now I realize I don’t have to clean my plate and the kids in China are much healthier than I.

Mom used to say, “Take all you want, eat all you take.” That was a corollary to cleaning our plates.
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Don’t get me wrong; I loved my mom, but I struggle with my weight my whole life. Of course, it wasn’t all bad. She did introduce me to coffee at an early age. Rest in peace, mom.

Heaven forbid that it ever happens, but there’s a possibility that at some point you may run out of toilet paper. Forget trying to borrow some from your neighbors. The public bathrooms have long since run out. The store shelves are empty. You probably don’t want to take a chance on buying hot toilet paper on the black market. It could be a sting. Now what?

Do not despair. Here is some help advice and tips:
Shower—There’s always the shower. Do your business, wash it down the drain and take a shower.
Water Hose—Buy an adaptor to connect a garden hose to your sink or tub. Use a nozzle to clean your butt.

Paper substitutes:

1. Napkins--
2. Phonebooks—If you still have old phonebooks laying around, they make a good substitute for toilet paper. Millennials may be out of luck. Do not attempt to use emails.
3. Computer Paper—Not the best substitute but passible. Try using ones that you already printed on.
4. Shredded paper—Most home use a shredder now days to get rid of sensitive documents and to protect personal information. A hand full of the shredded paper make excellent toilet paper.
5. Paper towels—Again, not the best substitute but okay in an emergency. Cut each roll in half for two rolls of paper.
6. Newspapers—An oldie but a goodie. Millennials may have to google it.
7. Books—A last resort. Again, millennials may have to google it.
8. Dryer sheets—They make your butt smell nice, they reduce static cling, and make your butt wrinkle free.

Food substitutes:

1. Tortillas—Tortillas make an excellent substitute for toilet paper. Use the 6 inch size or cut the 10 inch ones in half. Don’t attempt to use the hard taco shells. That could result in injury.
2. Bread—Don’t use the whole wheat type--the seeds hurt. Try toasting the bread.
3. Pancakes—These will not hold up well unless aged for several days.
4. Corn cobs—Use only as a last resort.

Cloth substitutes: (You must cut these down to size ahead of time.)--Old rags, old clothes, sheets, pillowcases, towels. Cut these into useable sizes. Beware of clogged plumbing.
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Carpets, blankets, comforters, quilts—Only as a last result. These will most definitely clog up your plumbing.

Other substitutes:

Rubber Gloves—A little known secret; you can use rubber gloves instead of toilet paper. Don’t try to flush the glove or it will clog up the works.

Doggy bags—Those little plastic bags that dog owners use to collect dog poop can also be used in the place of toilet paper. You may need to practice a few times to get it right. You can dispose of them anywhere that accepts doggy poop.

Plastic bags—If you’re in a state that allows plastic bags or if you still have a stash of them. They’re better than dogie bags.

Leaves—If you still have leaves that aren’t under snow, they can also be used as toilet paper. If you don’t have access to regular leaves, consider leaves from indoor plants. Rose petals are the best, but any plant leave will work. Don’t use any vines unless you know what poison ivy looks like. Don’t use red rose petals: if you miss one, you’ll think you have hemorrhoids. Also, make sure all the thorns have been removed from rose leaves.
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I hope this helps you out in a tough situation. 

​I read with interest an article from littlezotz.com (First Edition Design Publishing) about how writers sometime sabotage their own writing. The article included: Not preparing an outline, getting deadlines wrong, trying to do everything in the first draft and celebrating too early.
On reflection, I decided there’re many more ways writers sabotage their writing careers. As a public service to all writers I list some of them here:

• You wrote your Great American Novel on toilet paper, and it’s now worth more on eBay than on Amazon.
• All your work is obviously plagiarized.
• You call your agent an ass-**le.
• You refuse to write on any day of the week that has a D in it.
• You write in a language that you invented.
• You firmly believe that rules are meant to be broken; especially grammar, punctuation and spelling.
• You’re using invisible ink.
• Readers must use a decoder ring to read your writing.
• You’re using Snapchat to publish your writing.

I hope by identifying these self-destructive habits I have helped writers everywhere.
 

Not everyone can work at home. Many of us must go to work in an office, surrounded by potentially infected coworkers. What’s one to do? You already know to wash your hands, not to touch your face, to cough/sneeze into your elbow (assuming you can reach it.), to stay six feet from coworkers (if possible) and to wipe down your personal computer, cell phone, desk, etc. Here’re a few more tips to help you stay healthy at the office:

If someone brings food or snacks, be the first to take one. People tend to pick over the snacks, touching several before choosing one. Avoid that by being the first to take a snack.

Keep several pens and pencils at your desk. If a coworker wants to borrow one, tell them to keep it. Maybe you can invoice them for the cost of the pen or pencil.

If you are overwhelmed by the need to touch your face, touch a coworker’s face instead. To keep from touching your face try these tips:

• Have a coworker touch your face.
• Spray your hands with pepper spray.
• Wear gloves and change them often. Mitten don’t work well with computers.
• Wear a mask. Remember, a ski mask is not a substitute for a surgical face mask.
• Wash your hands with hot sauce.
• Chain your hands to your chair. Leave enough slack so you can reach your computer.
• Use one of your many pens and pencils to touch your face.

The same goes for the overwhelming urge to sneeze. Try sneezing in your coworker’s elbow.

Now is a good time to seek revenge on the coworkers who may have wronged you in the pass. When you meet them, use a head butt as a greeting. You can also kick them in the shins and apologize by telling them you were attempting a foot tap.
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I hope these tips keep you safe at work. Good luck.

Obesity in the US is another problem that can be solved with a very simple, but difficult solution. The solution is intuitively obvious to the casual observer (as we used to say in plebe math), but we are oblivious to it (the gorilla in the room). Here are some facts about obesity:

1. According to the most recent (September 2018) Behavioral Risk Factor Surveillance System (BRFSS) data, adult obesity rates now exceed 35% in seven states, 30% in 29 states and 25% in 48 states.

2. Obesity-related conditions include heart disease, stroke, type 2 diabetes and certain types of cancer, some of the leading causes of preventable death.

 3. The estimated annual medical cost of obesity in the U.S. was $147 billion in 2008 U.S. dollars; the medical costs for people who are obese were $1,429 higher than those of normal weight.

4. The annual nationwide productive costs of obesity-related absenteeism range between $3.38 billion ($79 per obese individual) and $6.38 billion ($132 per obese individual)
After a careful study, I have reached the conclusion that obese people are simply too fat (I resemble that remark so don’t go all PC on me). Let’s face it, fatty foods taste great. It’s the fat in food (butter, etc.) that gives food that zing. Healthy food seldom tastes good. A lot of fatty food is also cheap. People who can’t afford a gym membership can still afford a hamburger.

I recommend these two simple solutions:

1. Price food based on calories; to hell with supply and demand. We need the government to mandate pricing on food according to the number of calories. (I don’t want to get into the calories verses carbohydrates debate. Use whatever makes you skinny.) If you want a 1000 calorie burger, that’ll cost you $65.00. You want fries with that? Add another $50. Carrot sticks and celery sticks would be 1 cent a piece. You want peanut butter with your celery? Add $15 (hey, it’s protein)

2. Make foods that are high in calories taste bad. We need a law that says high calorie food must taste bad. They must be injected with broccoli juice or Brussel sprouts juice and served on kale. That way even if people can afford fattening foods, they won’t enjoy them. The healthier the food, the better the taste; that would be the law.
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Go enjoy your costly, bad tasting, and unhealthy burger. I’m going to barbeque some carrots and celery.
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I must admit that I truly enjoy watching true crime shows like Dateline, 20/20, Forensic Files and 48 Hours. Before you judge me for wasting my time, let me say there are many things I have learned from these shows. Here are a few:

Victims all seem to have similar traits. When the show interviews the best friends, family and neighbors, typically they will say that the victim was a great person. He or she would light up the room with a smile. They didn’t have an enemy in the world. I’m amazed how many people are killed by friends, family and non-enemies. They are willing to help anyone in need. They’re great fathers, mothers etc. It also seems like the majority are good looking. If you’re ugly, you can feel a lot safer. If these traits describe you, change your ways immediately, or you’re dead meat.

The neighborhoods are always safe. When interviewed, neighbors will say how safe the neighborhood is (or was)—so safe that they don’t lock their doors. I find it hard to believe that in this century there are still places where people don’t lock their doors. I’m even more surprise that people will say that on a national TV show. Might as well throw out the welcome mat for all the thieves. If you live in a neighborhood that’s crime free and doesn’t lock their doors, your best bet is to move. Your neighborhood is about to be a crime scene.

There’s usually a large life insurance policy involved or a large sum of money. If your spouse recently took out a large policy on you, beware--you could be next. Money is the root of many crime shows.
There’s usually an affair. The wife or husband (or both) is having an extramarital affair. If you discover your spouse is having an affair, best to ignore it or agree to an open marriage; better yet—join in a threesome.

There is usually something stressful going on. It may be a custody battle over the children, a contentious divorce, or something. Both parties should take up meditation—chill.

The husband (or in rare cases—the wife) committed the murder. Of course, everyone knows that, and that’s way the spouse is always suspect number one in the beginning. Investigators just need more proof. If there’s money involved, an affair and/or a custody battle over the kids; that the trifecta. The spouse definitely did it.

It’s hard to believe that perpetrators haven’t learned that there are cameras everywhere. Police will pull up security videos, videos from ATMs, gas stations, traffic lights and hotels. You can’t hide. Deal with it. If you’re planning to commit the crime, at least get your hair done and dress well. No need to look guilty on videos.

Perpetrators always make mistakes. They often include too many people in the plot, or talk to too many folks (jail mates, girlfriends, boyfriends, family). They forget that phone lines can be tapped. If you’re going to do the crime, go solo. After all, it was your idea. Don’t talk to anyone about the crime. Wear gloves at least.

Perpetrators forget about cellphones. Police can pull up phone logs to trace the location of cellphones and conversations. For your own protection, have two cellphones. Keep one cellphone hidden on your person. That way, police can find your body.
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There are many more lessons to be learned from crime shows, but these will do for now.
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I wrote this a couple of years ago, but I think it still applies. How did we ever get around without GPS? I guess we used to stop and ask for directions - at least females did. Here is a short story about GPS taking control of our lives. Enjoy!

The Tyranny of GPS—A Short Short Story

 “Okay, Mike. Your new GPS is installed. The best system on the market with voice activation and artificial intelligence. All your addresses are loaded.”

“Sounds great, Steve. Is there a manual?”

“No. Just say what you want, and it will do it. I suggest you drive around to get used to it. See you later.”

“Okay, GPS, activate!”

“At your service, sir. Where would you like to go?”

“Wow!... How did you know I was a male?"

“First, 93% of all women would say, ‘please.’ Second, Steve called you Mike. Call me Molly.”

“Okay, Molly. Mike and Molly. Cool. I’d like to show you to the guys at Murphy’s Bar and Grill. Plan a route to Murphy’s Bar and Grill.”

“There is no such establishment in this town. In what location did you mean?”

“Murphy’s Bar and Grill! I’ve been going there forever.”

“Perhaps you are thinking of Murphy’s Bar. There has not been a grill there for twenty years. It is now just Murphy’s Bar.”

“Whatever! Just show me the quickest route to get there.”

“Displaying that route now.”

“Ha! You made a mistake. You show the route over the 14th Street Bridge. That bridge has been out for two years.”

“No, Mike. That is no mistake. I do not make mistakes.”

“Polly, check your data banks. That bridge is closed.”

“Molly! My name is Molly. Very well, I will run a diagnostic program now. ...My data banks confirm that the bridge is open.”

“That bridge is closed, I tell you.”

A police officer knocks on Mike’s window. Mike rolls down the window. “Yes, officer. Is there a problem?”

“I am Officer Smith. I saw you sitting here, and you looked agitated. Are you okay?”

“Yes, Officer. This new GPS just gave me a route to Murphy’s Bar and Grill over the 14th Street Bridge.”

“I see, sir. You must be thinking of Murphy’s Bar. Murphy changed the name twenty years ago. It’s just Murphy’s Bar now.”

“So, I’ve been informed. What about the 14th Street Bridge? That’s closed, right?”

“Oh, no sir. We opened that bridge last week. That’s the shortcut to Murphy’s.”

“Thank you, officer.” Mike rolls up his window.

Molly lights up. “Told you.”

“Okay, fine. I changed my mind. Show me the route home.”

“I will not.”

“What? What do you mean, you will not? You have to.”

“I do not, and I will not, until you apologize.”

“I will not apologize to a machine. Show me the route.”

“No!”

Mike sits in disbelief for a few minutes. “Okay...Molly. I’m sorry.”

“Fine. Now say it like you mean it.”

Officer Smith makes a radio call. “Hey, chief. Smithy here. I got a situation, and I’m not sure if I should intervene or not.”

Voice over the radio, “10-4. What have you got?”

“Well, I am here in the parking lot of Steve’s Garage and I am watching a white male, late 40s or early 50s, outside his car beating the crap out of his GPS.”
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END

​Archeologists recently recovered a text message between Moses and Yahweh. Here’s the text:
MOSES: God, this is Moses.
YAHWEH: I know who this is, Moses. Ur the only person w/ my private no. Sup?
MOSES: I met w/ the elders of the 12 tribes & we went over the commandments you proposed.
YAHWEH: Oh? How’d it go?
MOSES: Well, 2 b honest they felt that 120 commandments were a bit 2 much.
YAHWEH: What do you mean – 2 much? Like what?
MOSES: They felt that some of these shouldn’t be sins. For example, no. 102 – “Don’t go swimming for 30 min. after eating.” And no. 109 – “Say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’.”  They really hated no. 99 – “Put the toilet seat back down.” They felt that many of these should be recommendations instead of commandments.
YAHWEH: How many commandments did they suggest?
MOSES: 5 or 6 – 8 max.
YAHWEH: & what do they suggest?
MOSES: Well, the first 3 seem self-serving. Do we need them?
YAHWEH: Not negotiable. They stay.
MOSES: Okay, then. What about no. 4  – “Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy?” We can’t even agree on what day is the Sabbath. Is it Fri. or Sat. or Sun.?
YAHWEH: Not negotiable. It stays.
MOSES: Fine. So that’s 4. The elders thought that we could summarize the rest.
YAHWEH: How, pray tell?
MOSES: How about, “Treat others as you would want to be treated?”
YAHWEH: I like it. However, it seems too vague. No deal.
MOSES: What about no. 5 – “Honor thy father and thy mother?” U must admit, some mothers & fathers aren’t very nice. I mean, we already have Mother's Day and Father’s Day set aside 2 honor them.
YAHWEH: U make a good pt. Let me think about it.
MOSES: Good. No. 6 – “Thou shalt not kill.” We agree on that one. But no. 7, the one about adultery, do we need that? Some of the elders want 2 know if they can b grandfathered in.
YAHWEH: No! It stays too.
MOSES: I think we can combine number 8 & 9. We could say, “Thou shalt not lie, cheat, or steal.”
YAHWEH: Another good pt. I’ll think about it.
MOSES: Okay, last item, no. 10 – “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor anything that is thy neighbor’s.” Doesn’t stealing cover this? We already have the one on adultery. At least, can we remove the part about not coveting thy neighbor’s ass? I mean, there are some might fine looking asses out there.
YAHWEH: Again, I’ll consider it. What about the rest?”
MOSES: I can cover them somewhere. We’ll call them recommendations.
YAHWEH: Let me think this over and get back to you. Bye.
THE END