Extreme and Impractical Ways to Avoid getting COVID
 
COVID and its various mutations are still with us. Vaccinations help but people can still get the virus even while vaccinated. It might be time to consider more extreme methods to avoid COVID. With tongue-in cheek, here are my recommendations on how to avoid becoming a victim of the COVID:
 

1. Avoid touching your face, particularly your eyes, nose or mouth. I know you have all heard this, but if you’re like me, as soon as someone tells you to not touch your face, you get this overwhelming urge to do so. The best way to not touch your face is to wear gloves and a facemask. Latex gloves are fine, but you may want to use something better like mittens or boxing gloves. I prefer the 16 oz. gloves myself. A hasty solution if you don’t have gloves is to use duct tape around each hand. Be careful not to tape your hands together. Duct tape is also makes a good facemask. Try not to cover both nose and mouth. Another hasty solution is to wear handcuffs or zip ties. Cuff yourself with your hands behind your back. If you absolutely must touch your face, use a back scratcher.

 

1. Cover your mouth and nose when you cough or sneeze. This is another preventive method I know you already know. Don’t use your hand or you will have the virus on your hands. This is another time that the gloves come in handy. I know you’ve seen people sneeze or cough in their elbow. If you have trouble reaching your elbow, use someone else’s elbow. Coughing into your knee is better if you can pull it off.

 

1. Wash your hands. Soap and water can only go so far. Using alcohol-based hand sanitizer is better, but you might not have that available. In a pinch, try sticking your hands in a fire or place them on the stove. If you can microwave your hands – even better. Ultraviolet light can kill the virus. Therefore, get plenty of sunshine or go to a sun tanning salon. Sandblasting also works.

 

1. Avoid shaking hands, hugging or kissing. If you still must touch, as in the case of significant other or family, try the popular chest bump. If that isn’t your style, then use the hip bump or the butt bump. A technique that is gaining popularity is the elbow touch—just the outer side. Avoid the Eskimos nose kiss. Whatever works.

 

1. Don’t touch anything. Viruses can be spread by touching contaminated surfaces and then touching the mouth or eyes. (see above about wearing gloves.) The best technique is to avoid touching anything. Wrap yourself in several layers of clothing, bubble wrap or duct tape. The best thing to do is to lock yourself in your home until scientists come up with a cure. Hey, bears do it.  

 

1. Avoid people, especially people who are sick. Well, duh! If you must leave home, then avoid people – all people. That will eliminate the problem of shaking hands, hugging and kissing. You must also avoid birds, swine and Russians.

 
Please stay healthy and get vaccinated. 

I know I have posted this a few times, but with inflation (the price of gas, food and everything else) It might be a good idea to review these money saving tips. A few years ago, I read with interest an article on my newsfeed written by Lia Sestric, “6 Really Dumb Ways Americans Waste Money.” She mentioned overspending on education, purchasing expensive diapers, buying unnecessary baby stuff, betting on lottery tickets, failing to shop for bargains, and insisting on lavish weddings. In my opinion, she wasn’t even close. Here is my list of more ways people waste money:

1. Sending money to someone in Nigeria who claims you inherited a large sum of money. This is a scam, folks.
2. Using your savings to invest in your brother’s or brother-in-law’s stupid ideas. In the case of the brother-in-law, you can’t stand the guy anyway, but you married his sister. Your brother or sister is a different issue. This is a tough one. Never lend money to family -- period. Good luck with this.
3. Enrolling in Trump University. I’m sure you thought this was a god deal. It’s overpriced folks. Go to the local community college.
4. Buying swamp land that might be drained. You don’t see this one much anymore. Here’s a hint; if you can’t see it or touch it, don’t buy it.
5. Spending a lot of money to buy a map to the Lost Dutchman's Gold Mine. Think About it; so many maps to the mine have been sold that someone must have found the gold by now.
6. Spending money to claim a prize someone says you won even though you never entered a contest. Another scam, folks.
7. Spending a lot of money on drugs (prescription drugs, over the counter drugs, under the counter drugs, meth, pot, cocaine, heroin, coffee, alcohol, cigarettes, candy, sugar and liquorish). Enough said.
8. Buying bottled water. Tap water is just as good, and it has fluoride for your teeth. The bottles are made of plastic which comes from oil – bad for the landfill and the environment. Just drink tap water and save. You can reuse the old water bottles and fool your snobbish friends.
9. Paying too much for sex. Sex should be free. If you must pay for it, you’re wasting money. Now, “good” sex is something else. That’s going to cost you.
10. Spending too much on pets. Pets shouldn’t cost anything. If you have a dog, cat, or pets like horses, yes, it’s expensive. But pets themselves should be free through adoption. Forget about getting a dog, cat or a horse; cockroaches make great pets and they don’t eat much. They never bark.

 
I hope this helps everyone to cut expenses.
 

I’m a fan of crime shows. I’m also a fan of comedy. There aren’t many comedy/crime shows (CrimeCom?) I decided to write a short short story about it. Enjoy.

A Crime Scene
​
It was late at night by the time detectives Dick Andrews and Shirley Kelly pulled up to the address dispatch had sent them. Plain clothes officers had already cordoned off the house located in an upscale neighborhood. Dick and Shirley signed in with the officer stationed at the front door and quickly found their boss, Captain Tim Barnaby standing in the living room.

“What have we got, boss?” asked Dick asked he walked up to the Captain with Shirley right behind him.

“It’s a double homicide,” Captain Barnaby answered. “There’s one body here,” the captain said jerking his pen toward a body in the living room. The second body is out back on the deck. Take over for Numb-Nuts before he screws this up.” Numb-Nuts was detective Chris Smith who was looking for shell casing on the floor near the first body. Chris had a reputation for mishandling evidence and cases. “I’m going to take the wife of one of these guys to the office for questioning. She’s the only witness. Keep me posted.” The captain left.

Dick and Shirley walked up to Chris. “Captain wants us to take over, Chris,” Shirley said.

“Fine by me,” Chris said. “I just coming off shift.”

“Find anything?” Dick asked Chris.

‘No, Nada”

“Okay, we’ll take over here,” Dick said. “Captain said there’s another body on the deck. Why don’t you go out there and start logging evidence?”

“Roger,” Chris replied as he turned and headed for the deck.

“Oh, and Chris,” Shirley said. “Make sure that second person is actually dead before you start going through the pockets.”

Chris answered with his middle finger. A few minutes later, Shirley and Dick were startled by the sound of a gunshot coming from the deck. Shirley and Dick looked at each other. “You don’t suppose that Chris…”

“He can’t be that stupid,” answered Shirley before Dick finished his question.

“Shit,” yelled Dick as he took off running toward the deck with Shirley right behind him. They found Chris laying on the deck on his back while holding his sides.

“He’s been shot,” Shirley yelled. They pulled Chris’ arms back searching for a gun shot wound.

“Wait a minute,” Chris said. “Look. He’s not shot. He’s laughing.

Finally, Chris inhaled. He pointed at Shirley and Dick. “You should’ve seen your faces,” Chris said as he tried to catch his breath. He laid back and continued laughing.

Shirley stood up and drew her service weapon. Chris stood up and faced her. “What do you think you’re doing?” he asked.

“I’m going to kill him. That was not funny. I swear I’ll kill him.”

“You can’t do that. He deserves it. But you can’t kill him. You’ll never get away with it.”

“Yes, I can. I’ll say it was an accident. You can back me up.”

Chris stepped closer to Shirley and held his hand oh her weapon. “Not here, Shirley. Too many witnesses.”

Shirley looked around. Several other officers were watching her and Chris.

“You’re right.” Shirley said. “Some other time, maybe.”
​
THE END

​The televised hearings from the #HouseSelectCommittee investigating the assault on the Capitol that took place on Jan. 6, 2021 has caused many viewers to pause and think. Many of the rioters, though illegally committing an insurrection, thought they were doing their patriotic duty. Some thought they were obeying their President. Turns out they were misled—lied to. So, what, exactly, is a patriot?

Flying the flag or waving the flag doesn’t make one a patriot. The same goes for wearing a miniature flag as a lapel pin. A patriot respects the flag, but flag waving doesn’t define a patriot. A patriot respects the constitution and the rule of law, but so do some criminals. So, what is a patriot? The dictionary states that a patriot is “a person who vigorously supports their country and is prepared to defend it against enemies or detractors.” We understand what it means to “defend” our country – it means to serve in the armed forces. But what does it mean to “support” our country? I can only give you my interpretation.

Supporting our country means to support our form of government – a #democracy. It means voting to elect our leaders and supporting those elected whether they are from our own party of not. You don’t have to agree with them, but if they are elected by a fair vote of the people, support them. It also means paying your taxes and observing the laws. If you disagree with a law, vote to change it, but obey it until it’s changed. Patriots support those who preserve the law -- the police, the National Guard, the FBI and other law enforcement agencies.

Supporting our country means to give an honest day’s work for a fair and honest day’s pay that you and your employer agree on. It means earning a fair profit (10% or less), not an excessive one, price gouging. It means dealing fairly and honestly with your customers and employees.
Supporting our country means supporting the Constitution and Bill of Rights. A patriot protects freedom of religion regardless of their own faith; freedom of speech even though they don’t agree with the speaker, freedom of the press even though they don’t agree with what is written; freedom of assemble even if they aren’t part of the assembly; freedom from unreasonable searches and seizures regardless of who is being searched; and due process of law for everyone. No one is free if everyone isn’t free, and no one is above the law.

Last but not least, patriots -- even though they may not be able to serve in the armed forces – support those that do serve.
​
Such as it is, that’s my opinion. What’s yours? 

Drones are in the news because they’re being used often in the Russia/Ukraine War. The FFA set rules for drones a few years ago. Maybe it’s time to reconsider some of those rules. The FAA rules that govern the use of drones include operators keeping drones in sight at all times, flying drones only in daylight with height and speed restrictions.

However, there are several rules that weren’t approved:
Stalking people.
Flights over clothing optional beaches.
Deliver beer and food at barbeques and sporting events.
Walk dogs, babies, pets, etc. Using drone to pick up doggie poop is okay.
Hunting or fishing with drones.
Police using drones for traffic violations.
Checking out blind dates beforehand.
Following your significant other to see if there’re cheating.
Using drones to bully other people.
Using Kamikaze drones against your neighbors.
​
Let’s get real. People will find unique and unusual ways to use drones. 

I read with interest and article on my newsfeed from Brides Magazine written by Jillian Kramer,
“The 8 Best Things to Thank Your Spouse For.” I agreed with everything she said, but I think the list would be slightly different for senior citizens.

Here are my things to thank your spouse for if you’re over 75.

• Scratching me where I itch. Don’t get all excite, it’s not a metaphor, I’m being literal here. As you get older, especially if you have arthritis, you can’t reach some parts of your own body. You need a helping hand.
• Waking me whenever a Victoria’s Secret commercial comes on like I wake her for George Clooney.
• Helping me put on my socks and tying my shoes on those days when my back aches. That also includes picking up things I drop.
• Hearing the telephone ring, the smoke alarm, and my alarm clock, because I don’t hear well.
• Helping me stand up from my chair when I need a lift.
• Reminding me about birthdays for grandkids, doctor appointments, and my password for my computer.
• Letting me sleep late when I’ve had a bad night.
• Reading the fine print on labels and ads.
• Opening bottles and those damn child-proof lids on meds.
• Telling me I look sexy when I know I look like crap.
• Laughing at the same old jokes year after year.

I’m sure there’re a lot more I should thank my spouse for but it’s getting late. Can you think of any? Let me know.

I read an article on WritersLife.org by Bethany Cadman, “5 Signs You Might Not Be Cut Out to Write”. She listed things like you aren’t enjoying writing, you don’t make an effort, you have more important goals, you resent the time you have to spend writing, and you’re sick of being rejected. I couldn’t agree more.

I write a blog and often get discouraged. There are many other subtle signs that you aren’t cut out to be a blogger. These signs are:

1. Your family unfriends you on Facebook after your most resent post.
2. You write a controversial article but get no hate mail or threats.
3. People who don’t follow you try to unfollow you.
4. A writing teacher asks to use your blog as an example of poor writing.
5. Your mother corrects your grammar.
6. Your spellchecker underlines every other word.
7. You get in an argument with your spellchecker.
8. When you try to post something in your blog, your computer asks if you really want to post it.
9. No one tries to plagiarize your work.
10. Your friends give you dictionaries for Christmas gifts.
11. You google your name, and nothing comes up.
12. Your printer refuses to print anything you write.
13. All the comments on your posts concern grammar and not the subject.
14. No one is suing you.
15. Your significant other doesn’t know what you do for a living.
16. Your kids won’t invite you to Career Day at school.
17. Your friends and family are surprised to learn that you’re still alive.
18. You went on vacation for two weeks and didn’t post anything, and no one noticed.
19. No one shares your posts.
20. Former President Trump isn’t denouncing you publicly.

​If you notice any of these signs, maybe you should reconsider whether you want to continue writing a blog.

Take Aways from the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard Defamation Circus.

1. Yes, both sides can lose and win (huh?). A jury has found both liable for defamation in their lawsuits but awarded significantly more damages to Johnny Depp. The jury awarded Johnny $10 million in compensatory damages and $5 million dollars in punitive damages. The jury awarded Amber $2 million in compensatory damages and no money for punitive damages. Bring in the clowns.
2. You can still be sued for defamation even if you don’t name names. Amber wrote an article for The Washington Post in which she described herself as a victim of domestic abuse. Johnny wasn’t named in the article but claimed it cost him lucrative acting roles. Amber countersued, of course.
3. You are not protected by the First Amendment (Freedom of Speech) if you write or speak falsely.
4. Sometimes the Court of Public Opinion is louder that the legal courts (and maybe right). Amber was ridiculed cruelly on social media.
5. Revenge is not reason enough to write an article aimed at getting even.

Keep this in mind the next time you want to pen an article criticizing your ex.
​
For e-books by me, visit http://smashwords.com/profile/view/monteranderson or Amazon.com. Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/monteranderson
Follow my blog at http://monteranderson-author.com or http://monteranderson.wordpress.com

A while back, I read with interest and article on my newsfeed written by Rachel Sokol in Reader’s Digest, “12 LinkedIn Mistakes that can Cost you the Job.” She was talking about your profile. She listed skimping on work history, hiding your skills, forgetting to brand yourself, neglecting keywords in your summary, ignoring your profile, forgetting to add location, posting political or controversial things, forgetting where and when you met someone, not asking for recommendations, not uploading your whole resume, and not downloading your connections. Many of these also apply to resumes. Of course, whenever people write these lists, they sometimes omit major things. As a community service, with tongue in cheek, I want to add to the list:

1. Don’t mention your fraternity or sorority. If your fraternity or sorority hasn’t been in the news recently for some stupid stunt, it will be. Best not to mention it until after you’re hired.
2. Remember that funny video of you drunk and falling into a wedding cake? Yeah, don’t post that video.
3. Check the background of any pictures you post. Make sure you don’t have things like Confederate flags, your pot bong, your collection of Playboy magazines, your exes, or your KKK hood.
4. It may be too soon to list Trump University on your profile. Hold off on that.
5. Remember, drinking beer while standing on your head is not a skill you should list. That also goes for making pipe bombs, stalking, and coloring, sexting, cooking meth, field stripping an AK47, shooting an RPG, breaking and entering, and picking locks. 
6. Don’t list references who are still in prison.
7. Do not list your time in prison as an extended vacation.
8. Don’t use family as references unless you still have copies of photographs you can use for blackmail.
9. Don’t list your parole officer as a reference. Same for your Alcoholics Anonymous sponsor.
10. Don’t misspell the name of the university you claim to have attended.
11. Don’t try to be clever in your email address, i.e., buttkicker@whatever.com.

Keep these tips in mind as you build you LinkedIn profile and write your resume.
​
For e-books by me, visit http://smashwords.com/profile/view/monteranderson or Amazon.com. Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/monteranderson
Follow my blog at http://monteranderson-author.com or http://monteranderson.wordpress.com

The small group stands in front of the altar: a bride and groom, a minister, and his wife. The candlelight plays on their faces and makes their shadows dance on the empty pews.

The minister continues, "If anyone can show just cause why these two may not marry, speak now; or forever hold your peace."

All four turn when they hear a cough by the door.
“Well, Padre, I have a few things to say.” The voice came from a huge man in an army uniform wearing stripes on this sleeve. Two armed guards stand on either side. “First, this man is AWOL. We ship tomorrow, and I aim to make sure he is on board. Second, he is going to war. He could be dead in a matter of months. Marriage now is not a good idea right now.”

The minister asks, “And how can he be AWOL if he has been gone only for a few hours?”

“Okay, you got me,” the sergeant says. “Technically, he isn’t AWOL- yet. But he is if he misses that ship.”

“Let them finish,” the minister’s wife says.

“Not a good idea. She could be a widow soon,” the sergeant answers.

“What is your name?”

“The name’s McAvoy, First Sergeant Thomas McAvoy, C Company, Fifteenth Infantry.”

“Well, Tom, where are you from?”

“Not that it matters, but I am from Torrington, Wyoming.”

The minister’s wife turns to leave, “I will put on a pot for tea.”

The soldier asks, “How did you find us?”

“That was easy,” the sergeant replies. “I found a letter from your girlfriend. We went to the return address. Her mother told us where to find you.”

“Ten minutes, please,” the minister begs.

“No!” the sergeant answers, somewhat irritated.

“You must know that it is against military regulations to arrest anyone in a church. It is sanctuary–Holy Ground.”

The sergeant stops in his tracks. He looks at the minister’s face to gauge whether he is lying. Finally, he concludes, “You’re bluffing, Padre. And you a man of the cloth and all, and in God’s House too. You should be ashamed.”

The trembling bride finds her own voice, “We have to get married!”

The sergeant and minister both ask, “What?” at the same time.

A little slow and surprised, the soldier finally asks, “What?”

“I’m pregnant! We have to get married.”

The men look at the soldier who looks bewildered. It is obvious that he did not know that his bride was pregnant.

“Look,” the sergeant says. “I know this soldier. He is a good boy. I met your mother, and she says you are a good girl. You must be telling a lie.”

The girl stamps her foot. “You don’t know what kind of girl I am, and neither does my mother. I love him! He is going to war! I know I may not see him again! You do not have to tell me that. We know what we want. We are two adults who are in love, and we want to get married.”

The sergeant looks at his guards who shrug their shoulders.

“Okay but hurry up.”

On cue, the minister continues, “I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.”
With the ceremony concluded, both guards start down the aisle.

“Wait!” the bride shouts. “The honeymoon!”

“You are pushing your luck, little lady. Besides, it is a little late for that,” the sergeant growls as he motions the guards forward.

“Sergeant,” the minister’s wife says from the side doorway. Everyone stops and looks her direction. “You have phone call.”

“What? Who can it be?”

“They did not say, but they asked for you.”

The sergeant follows her to the rectory hall telephone followed by everyone else.

“Hello?” says the sergeant into the receiver. “Oh, my God! I don’t believe this. Yes, of course. Yes, okay, I will do it. It is nice to hear your voice too. Love you too. Goodbye.”
The sergeant turns to face the puzzled group. Looking at the young couple, “You have two hours, Private. If you are not back in two hours, I will track you down myself.” Taking out his wallet, “Here is twenty bucks. Take a cab.” He looks at the snickering guards and says, “The first one to say a word gets a fat lip.”

The stunned soldier says, “I can pay you payday.”

Waving his hand. “Consider it a wedding gift,” the sergeant says.

The bride rushes up and kisses the sergeant on the cheek. “Thank you.”

Before anyone can say another word, Good Wife says, “You can use our bed. Come, help me put on clean sheets for you.”

As the couple climbs the stairs, the soldier whispers to his new bride, “Are you really pregnant?”
“Not yet,” she answers with a giggle.

The minister escorts the sergeant and the guards out the rectory door. A few minutes later, his wife joins him in the living room. “How did you do that?”

“I appealed to a higher authority,” she says coyly.

“Don’t tease me, Good Wife. I am dying to know.”

“I called his mother in Wyoming.”

“Of course! What a great idea! How many McAvoys can there be in Torrington Wyoming?”

His wife chuckles, “Quite a few, apparently. When the operator asked me which one, I said the mother of Tom. When I explained to Mrs. McAvoy what her son was up to, she agreed to straighten him out.”

“You are amazing. I am in awe.”

“What will we do for two hours? We could have a cup of tea, or we could we cuddle on the couch like newlyweds.”

“Tea sounds good right now.”

“I’ll make a pot.”

THE END