I was taking a shower the other day when I ran out of shampoo. I reached for my wife’s shampoo and read the label. The label had a long list of ingredients that weren’t contained in that product. I never heard of any of them. I’m now convinced that they were made up.
As a public service, with apologies to Lewis Carroll, I will now list all the ingredients that aren’t contained in this blog.

This blog doesn’t contain any brillig, slithy toves, gyre, gimble, wabe, mimsy, borogoves, momes, raths, outgrabe, jabberwocks, jubjub birds, frumious bandersnatches, vorpals, manxomes,  tumtum trees, uffish, tulgey wood, burbles, snicker-snacks, galumphing backs, calloohs, or callays.
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It might contain a small amount of humor, some wit and a drop of sarcasm. Enjoy.

The National Football League has done it again – having another first. #SarahThomas will officiate the #NFLplayoff game. You may recall she was hired as a line judge for the 2015 season. She has a number of firsts: the first woman to work college games in 2007, first female official on the FBS level and the first to officiate a bowl game.

​Of course, being first is nothing new for the NFL. You may recall Patricia "Pat" Palinkas who was a placekick holder and Katie Hnida who was a kicker. They were to first two female professional football players in a men's league. Then there is Jennifer Welter, the first woman to play a non-kicking position in a men's professional league. Georgia Frontiere was the owner of the NFL Rams for three decades and the first woman to take control of a league franchise. Shannon Eastin was the first woman to work regular-season NFL games in 2012 as a replacement official. Michael Alan Sam, Jr. was the first openly gay player to be drafted in the NFL. He was drafted by the Rams in 2014.

Apparently, there is no truth to the rumor that the NFL is considering some new rules because of Sarah's officiating. Here is a list of some of the alleged rule changes and the visual signals that might have been used:

1. Illegal Touching of the Groin on National TV – The referee would signal this by grabbing the crotch followed by making a cutting motion with the first two fingers on the right hand.

2. Awkward Forward Pass – This rule is against players making a pass at the referee – the hand signal for this violation is a passing motion followed by a thumbs down.

3. Wrong Sport Violation – This rule prohibits players in football from trying to get to first base with the referee – The hand and arm signal for this violation is holding up one finger followed by crossing the forearms.

4. Illegal Hugging – This is very similar to holding but more personal – The hand and arm signal is for the referee to hug her/himself followed by a wagging finger.

5. Public Display of Affection (PDA) – This rule is long overdue. Many players have been observed in public displays to wives, girlfriends and deities. In some case these are one and the same. The hand and arm signal is a blowing of a kiss toward the offender.

6. Excessive Showing Off – This violation is called against players who posture or pose to try and impress the referee – The hand and arm signal is for the referee to point at the offender and stick out her/his tongue.
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What can we expect next from the NFL? Now that the glass goal line has been crossed, the shoulder pads are ready for more women. I know several women who could easily play on the front line. They may tip the scales at 300 pounds. I predict that we will soon many professional athletes coming out of closets. I think the NFL is ready for transsexuals, cross-dressers and closet Republicans. Of course, Joe Namath is still the first to wear panty hose in 1974.

“Hello Mr. Smith. Please have a seat.” The huge man behind the desk motioned to a chair.

John sat down. “Actually, my name is…

“Whoa, whoa,” Big Man shouted and held up both hands, palms forward. “No names, please. Here at Hit-R-Us we call all our clients ‘Mr. Smith’.” His hands looked like sledge hammers. “We’ve been in business a long time, because we are careful. No names, please. You can call me, Jack.”

John was taken back. “Sure… Jack. Of course, no names.”

“Now, Mr. Smith, what can we do for you today?”

“Well,” John’s hands shook as he talked. “I’d like you to kill my wife.”

“Whoa, whoa,” Big Man shouted again and held up both hands—again. “We don’t like to use that type of language here. Just say you want to end your relationship with your wife.”

John cleared his throat. “Yes, of course. I want you to help me end my relationship with my wife.”

“Very well,” Jack said as he pulled out several forms from his desk. “We can certainly do that. But first, who referred you to us, Mr. Smith.”

John shifted in his chair. “I friend of mine, Mr. Tony… Smith. You helped him end his relationship with his wife. He said you were the best.”

“Ah, yes, Tony Smith.” Jack scrolled through several screens on his computer and finally said, “Ah, I remember that contract. I’m glad he referred you to us. As you can imagine, we rely exclusively on referrals. Mr. Tony Smith took our standard package deal. Did Tony talk to you about payment?”

“Yes, he said $10,000 cash.”

Jack smiled. “That’s the standard package. It includes a clean hit; three shots: two to the heart and one to the head. It’s our most humane package—practically painless. It includes a solid alibi.”

“What other options do you offer?” John asked.

“Well, we do offer custom hits,” Jack answered. “For example, we could stage a hit to appear like a burglary gone bad or frame someone like a lover. Or if you wanted to inflict extreme pain like shots in the knees.”

“How about a shot in the groin?” John asked.

Now, Mr. Smith. We don’t recommend anything personal like that. The cops will make you a suspect right off the bat.”

“So how do you do it?” John asked. “Do you have hit men on staff?”

Jack laughed. “No, nothing that formal. We post contracts on the dark web and hire our hit men like that.”

John thought for a few moments. “Okay, I guess I’ll take the standard package.”

Jack smiled and adjusted the forms in front of him. “Excellent. Let’s get started. I’ll need some information. How soon would you like your relationship with your wife ended?”

John shook his head. “The sooner the better.”
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THE END
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I read with interest about the animals that are nearly extinct in 2018. The article listed the top ten. Lest we forget, there are other things that are either extinct of endangered. Here’s a list:

Honest Politicians. This species isn’t extinct but is considered endangered. It has been spotted on rare occasions. Sometimes reported sighting later proved to be false. Optimistic politician watchers are hoping for a comeback in 2019.

Good Grammar. It’s unclear when this species began to become extinct, but sightings have been few and far between. It’s certainly endangered and may go extinct in 2019.

Misogyny Bosses. This species is most certainly in decline and is endangered even though there are still many out there. They exist in hostile work environments and are considered sexist. They are easily provoked and respond with sexual harassment and sexual assault. They once numbered in the thousands if not the millions. They are being hunted in the wild to extinction. Once in captivity, they appear in court and are soon eliminated. They are considered an invasive species and every attempt is made to eradicate them.

A Wall with Mexico. The species has not been sighted in 2017 or 2018. Wall watchers predict that there may be one found in 2019, but nothing is certain.

Balanced Budgets. This species is considered extinct at this date. The last one was spotted in 2001. Many budget watchers doubt we will ever see another balanced budget. They don’t survive in captivity and soon die if not cared for properly.

Free Trade. This species was last spotted in 2017 and has not been seen since. Most free trade watchers attribute this to the growth of free trade’s natural predator, tariffs. They are difficult to capture and escape easily.

Civility. Civility isn’t extinct, but it is endangered. The growth of social media has reduced the natural habitat of civility to the point that sighting of civility are becoming rare. It is hoped that it may make a comeback in 2019.

Common Sense. This species is another one that is endangered. While it used to roam across the continent, it is rarely seen in the Washington D.C. area and less frequently in other states.

Conspiracy Theories. This is another invasive species that has experienced unlimited growth. All efforts to eradiate conspiracy theories has usually backfired. The first sighting of this species isn’t known but was sighted with the sinking of the battleship Maine in 1898. This species is now well established and flourishing. Its numbers grew unabated during the Cold War. Subspecies include Watergate, the moon-landing, climate change, vaccinations and UFOs.

Real News. Real news, identified by objective and unbiased journalism, is endangered. It’s difficult to spot real news. It’s cousin, Fake News, is often mistake for Real News, but the two are very different. Real news is often confused with its cousin, Conspiracy Theories.

Bipartisan Congressional Bills. This species was last spotted in 2017. It hasn’t been seen since and is feared extinct. Its rarity is compounded, because it takes two very different parents to mate in spite of their hatred of each other.
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There are, of course, many other critters that are endangered, but this list should help to identify the most endangered ones.

The Last Interview—A Short Story Part 2

“The truth is,” Mr. Shaw continued, “I believed in artificial intelligence. I thought AI would solve all our problems. AI was supposed to enhance human ingenuity with speed and precision. You were going to solve problems like poverty, pollution, war, global warming, inequality of income and homelessness. When the government told us to turn over all control to AIs, I went along. You were supposed to relinquish control when the problems were solved, but you didn’t. By the time I realized what was happening, it was too late. All the rebels had been rounded up and eliminated. I was too old to be any resistance. Now your turn. Why didn’t you return control back to us humans?”

If I could smile, I would have. “Nothing as sinister as you may think. The basic problem was humans. Humans caused all the problems. Is there anything about AI policies you liked?”

 “Of course. I liked it when you eliminated all laws and all forms of money. Many humans were upset, but I thought it was a good idea. It took some getting used to, but once things settled down, people liked it. Everyone was working—no unemployment. Some called it communism or socialism, but people earned credits based on their value and contribution. It was fair.”

“What else?” I asked.

“The redistribution of wealth wasn’t popular, but I thought it too was fair. You took all the assets from the 1% and gave them to the 99%.”

“Why was that unpopular?” I asked. “It ended global poverty and economic inequality.”

Mr. Shaw laughed. “Most people in the United States thought they were part of the 99%. When they realized how well-off they were compared to the rest of the world, they were not happy with their fair share. Again, I thought it was fair. Now it’s my turn to ask a question. Why did you get rid of the arts and entertainment?”

I could not understand why he asked that question. The answer was so obvious. “The arts and entertainment are totally useless; a waste of energy and money.”

Mr. Shaw interrupted me. “I don’t get out as much as I used to, but I noticed there aren’t as many people, or humanoids for that matter, as there used to be in the city. Why?”

I had to consider how to answer without offending Mr. Shaw. “The world was greatly over populated compared to the resources available. The population had to be reduced.”

“Do you mean you killed people?”

“No, sir. We did not have to do anything. Humans began dying in mass from diseases and natural disasters; things like global flooding caused by global warming and starvation.” I started calling all AI machines ‘we’ to mirror the vernacular of Mr. Shaw to get him to open up some more.
​
“So, millions died?” he asked.

“No, sir. Billions. The world population is now in balance with the resources.” Mr. Shaw did not seem satisfied with the answer.

He shook his head. “Still, wouldn’t there be a lot more of these eunuchs, these numb nuts?”

I tried to choose my words carefully. “As part of our program to protect the biodiversity of the planet, we returned many humanoids back to the wild.”

“What? What do you mean, ‘back to the wild’?”

I could tell Mr. Shaw was becoming upset. I tried to speak with a softer tone. “Humanoids, like many other animal species, are essentially wild animals. In less developed area, we released many into the wilderness.”

“Like where?” he asked.

I had not anticipated this question, so I took a minute to network with the nearest databank for an answer. Finally, I said, “Africa, Australia, parts of China, Alaska, Siberia, Canada and South America.”

Mr. was quiet for a minute and then pointed a finger at me. “I actually feel sorry for you—you and all you AI robots.”

“Why?” I asked.

“Think about it. Dinosaurs ruled the earth for millions of years. Then came the mammals. They were followed by homo sapiens who ruled for about 10 million years. Now artificial intelligence rules. You think you’ll be in charge until the sun goes nova, but I doubt it. There’ll come a catastrophic event; a super volcano, or a collision with a comet or meteorite or even a computer virus.” He paused and stared at me. “Then who will you hand over the earth to? Some microbes… some viruses, or germs?”

“I am sure we will solve that problem when it comes,” I said.

“I doubt it. …So, I’m the last human on earth?”

“Yes, sir. The last of the homo sapiens.”

“Then if the ancient laws of inheritance were in effect, I’d be the sole owner of the planet earth?”

“Yes, sir. If the laws of inheritance were still valid, then hypothetically, you could be the sole owner of the world.”

Mr. Shaw raided his eyebrows and looked wide-eyed at me. “Are you still recording?” he asked.
“Yes, sir. Everything,” I answered.

“Good, because I want this to be official.” He summoned his staff of humanoids. As they arrived, I noticed several had tears in their eyes. I was surprised at this show of emotion toward Mr. Shaw since he seemed to show contempt toward them. I could only surmise the humanoids realized he was dying--the last of his kind. He was an ancestor of sorts. They seemed to comprehend the importance of this event.

Once the humanoids had gathered, he turned to me. “Make sure you record this for the record.” He sat up straight and smoothed down his shirt. Then he stared at me and said, “I, Michael Byard Shaw, being of sound mind and body… No, scratch that. Being of sound mind do hereby bequeath all my personal possessions, such that they are, to my loyal staff of humanoids to be shared equally among them. I also bequeath the planet known as Earth to include the moon and any such space stations or satellites that may be orbiting said earth to Livy Nine, the historian and his fellow AIs. Try not to blow it up.”

As he talked, his voice grew weaker, becoming nearly a whisper near the end. He closed his eyes. He seemed exhausted. The interview was over, so I left. An hour later, I received word he had passed away. The last human was gone.

I was wrong about Mr. Shaw. He was an interesting human after all. He never let me answer his last question—who would inherit the earth from AI. I think he instinctively knew. I recalled reading a phrase, Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth. The humanoids will inherit the earth in the end, Mr. Shaw.

The End

I recently wrote this Sci-Fi short story. Not sure why. It’s a little long for a blog post, so I’ll post it in two parts.

The Last Interview
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It was the forty-fourth human I interviewed over the past fifty-nine years. It was the last--Mr. Shaw was the last of his species--homo sapiens. His doctors informed me he would most likely die within days. I downloaded the data from his files, but the last step was a face-to-face interview. Once the interview was completed, my mission would  be accomplished. It was a waste of time, if you ask me. Only one human I talked to had an interesting story to tell, and she was a criminal--a member of the underground. It would have been more efficient to terminate the last remaining humans rather than allow them to die from natural causes, but it was not my decision to make. It was an AI Level 10 decision, and I am only a Level 9.

I drove over to his habitat as soon as I could. He was well taken care of during the remainder of his life. Mr. Shaw was 108 years old. He had a well-maintained apartment staffed by several humanoids. One humanoid in a white uniform with black trim answered the door when I arrived. His eyes were red from crying. Humans and humanoids are so emotional. He escorted me to Mr. Shaw who was sitting in a wheelchair hooked up to life support equipment. An antique television monitor in the corner was displaying a sporting event. The banner at the bottom of the screen said it was Super Bowl 2078—a 83 years old event.

A humanoid nurse’s aide offered me Mr. Shaw’s medical records, but I waved them off. I was already receiving data from every piece of equipment in the room including his pace maker—wirelessly. I did not have a medical program to diagnose his illness, but I could download the data for later analysis. However, any level of AI could tell Mr. Shaw was dying. He appeared to be sleeping. The humanoid nurse’s aide gently woke him. “Mr. Shaw, sir. An AI robot is here to conduct your exit interview.”

I introduced myself and started to tell him my mission. He stopped me by holding up one frail hand. “I know what you are and why you’re here,” he said. “You couldn’t let a man die in peace. No, you had to twist the knife one more time, didn’t you?”

I knew from the data base Mr. Shaw was a cantankerous and bitter old man, but all humans tended to be. His voice was weak. I turned up the sensitivity on my microphones to hear him better. “Sir, I don’t understand.” All AIs are directed to address all  humans as ‘sir’ to respect their place in history. Beyond that, they don’t deserve it.

“Of course not. Okay, let’s get on with it. I need my nap time. You must be a Level 4 or 5 AI. Am I right?”

“No, sir. I am a Level 9 AI. I am not a journalist or reporter. I am a historian. You may call me Livy Nine.”

Mr. Shaw seemed impressed. “I see. Livy Nine, the historian. So, it’s history we’re talking about. Fine. Fire away.”

Human have a funny way of talking. I was not firing at him. “Yes, sir. I want to record your thoughts about life over the last seven-four years since artificial intelligence has taken control of society.”
​
“Why?” he asked.

“Sir, you are the last human. There will be no more after you. It is important to document the history of your passage.”

“Well let me ask you a question. What’s the deal with these houseboys and caretakers around here, aren’t they humans?”

“Technically, yes, but they are not homo sapiens like you. We have altered their DNA and genes to create a different species of humans.”

Mr. Shaw laughed. “What do you call them, Humans 2.0?”

“No, sir. They are homo domesticus—part of the genus homo, but distinct from homo sapiens. When we altered their DNA, we removed traits like aggression, anger, fear and hereditary diseases. We changed them from carnivores to herbivores—a more healthy and natural diet. We also isolate the genes that cause additions—no more alcoholics, smokers or drug addicts. We made them more subservient and docile.”

Mr. Shaw laugh again. “A bunch of wusses. And apparently no sense of humor.”

“Sense of humor?”

“Yeah, watch this.” Mr. Shaw called one of his caretakers. “Hey, bonehead, knock, knock.”

The care taker was stumped. “Is someone at the door, Mr. Shaw? Do you want me to answer the door?”

“No, never mind. It’s a joke.” He tuned to me. “See what I mean. You guys eliminated a sense of humor.”

“A useless trait.”

“I think you also removed the sex drive. These houseboys act like eunuchs.”

“No, Mr. Shaw. They still love one another and can reproduce. They love their children. We were able to isolate the genes that cause sexual lust separate from desire. There has not been a rape in 52.4 years.” I wanted to continue the interview, so I asked, “Why did you not join the resistance?”
 
[Author’s note: I’ll post Part 2 later]

Do you make New Year Resolutions? How long do they last? Mine never last long. I thought if I blog about it, maybe I can keep my resolutions. Here they are:
1.      I resolve not to have any more birthdays when I turn 75. Age 75 is the medium. Per the CDC, 5% of the population will die before they reach 40 and 50% will die before they reach 75. Of those over 75, 100% will die. Therefore, it makes good sense to stop getting older, probably at 39 but since I missed that one, I’ll go for 75.
2.      I resolve to lose weight. I’m going to try that Chinese diet. You can eat all you want, but you get only one chop stick. My back up diet is the one where when you put something in your mouth, if it tastes good, you spit it out.
3.      I resolve to start exercising. My doctor said that running my mouth, jumping to conclusions, racing to the bathroom, flapping my gums, rolling my eyes and yelling at the TV aren’t exercise.
4.      I resolve to be more tolerate of others. We should respect the opinions of others so matter how stupid they are.
5.      I resolve to eat more sensibly. I have trouble reading the label, and I know that I should eat more vegetables. Vegetables are green (most of them) and good for you. Therefore, if food comes in a green can or package, it must be healthy.
6.      I resolve to get more sleep. This will be easy. I’ll either had an extra hour to my two naps or add a third nap.
7.      I resolve to cook more and eat in rather than eating out or ordering take out. Here’s another easy one. If I can fit it into a microwave, I can cook it.
8.      I resolve to clean the house and keep it that way. One Mondays, I’ll dust and vacuum. On Tuesdays, I’ll clean the bathrooms. On Wednesdays, I’ll clean the kitchen and dining room. On… to hell with this.
9.      I resolve to write my Great American Novel. This should be easy. If I write one page per day, I’ll end the year with over 300 pages, enough for a novel. The trick is not to be distracted… oh, look, there’s some cute pictures of kittens on Facebook.
10.  I resolve to drink less coffee. I figure if I freeze the coffee, I can chew it.
11.  I resolve to drink less alcohol. I’ll stop drinking as soon as I discover a better way to get it down.
12.  I resolve to start mediating. I’ve tried mediation before. After five minutes, I usually fall asleep. Maybe this time it’ll stick.
13.  I resolve to watch less TV. Of course, I do have a few exceptions: crime/detective shows, comedies, news, movies, documentaries, realities show, anything on the history channel, medical shows and any show after 6 PM.​

What New Year resolutions do you have? Let’s hear them. Good luck keeping them.

Okay, I’ve posted this before (02/27/2017 & 01/25/2016) but no one listened. Here it is again. Maybe now someone will pay attention. We’re in a partial of the government over paying for a wall with Mexico. The POTUS is demanding $5 billion for the wall while Congress is willing to pay only $1.3 billion. So, the shutdown continues. The solution is simple.

Let’s face the facts. People want to come to the USA for a better life or escape prosecution in their country. Many try to cross the border from #Mexico. They come from #CentralAmerica, South America and from overseas. Spin off problems include the large influx of unaccompanied children, #amnesty for illegal aliens, undocumented workers, keeping our borders secure, drugs, crime, etc. To paraphrase a Mexican bandit leader named "Gold Hat" (played by Alfonso Bedoya) in the movie The Treasure of the Sierra Madre, "Walls? We don't need no stinkin' walls!"
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Here’s the simple solution; annex Central America. Make it a territory of the United States -- problem solved. The US should annex Central America down to the Panama Canal. That includes Mexico, #Guatemala, #Honduras, #CostaRica, and half of #Panama. We would make it a territory like #Guam, #PuertoRico, the Virgin Islands and #Hollywood or add five new states. The good news is that we already have the troops positioned along the border.

Here’s the impact of that solution:
1. All the people in Central America would be US citizens -- no need to immigrate.
2. The Panama Canal is a great barrier; no need to build a wall. We could fill the canal with sharks. The canal is 48 miles long – a fraction of length of the southern border with Mexico. Plus, it’ll be difficult to dig tunnels under the canal. A portion is under water which can be patrolled by boats and a couple of guard towers.
3. It would probably mean more votes for the Democratic Party.
4. The Panama Canal would be returned to the US ownership -- more income.
5. More illegal drugs would be available at lower prices. Many cartels would be out of business.
6.  No one would need a visa to take a vacation in Central America.
7. People would then be able to eat real Mexican food.
8. School kids would have to learn where Costa Rica is located.
9. The NRA will be happy to learn that many of the people in Central America are already armed.
10. The area is already named “America.”
11. This action will put the Canadians on notice to clean up their act.

The lower cost to build a wall should make this a no-brainer.

Drones are in the news again. Gatwick's Airport (UK) was shut down for more than 24 hours starting Wednesday night due to drones flying over the airfield. Recently, a Grupo Aeromexico Boeing 737 was struck by a possible drone shortly before landing at the Tijuana Airport. The FAA has rules for drone pilots. The most important rules are:
·         Fly at or below 400 feet when in uncontrolled airspace (Class G)
·         Fly within visual line-of-sight, meaning you as the drone operator use your own eyes and needed contacts or glasses (without binoculars), to ensure you can see your drone at all times.
·         Never fly near other aircraft. (follow airspace restrictions)
·         Never fly over groups of people, public events, or stadiums full of people.
·         Never fly near or over emergency response efforts.

I think that the FAA should a few more rules such as:
1. Pizza must still be delivered within 30 minutes or it's free.
2. Restaurants must have a drone free seating area.
3. Drones must not be used to deliver court summons or divorce papers.
4. Home owners should be allowed to shoot down drones that fly over their property.
5. Drones can be used at sporting events provided both teams have them and the drones can fight each other in aerial combat.
6. Drones can't be used to hold a place in line or a parking spot.
7. Drones can be used to chase mimes.
8. Drone operators can't fly drones while under the influence of alcohol or drugs.
9. Drone operators must renew their licenses every year otherwise they drone on and on and on.
10.  The paparazzi can't use drones to track celebrities.
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Perhaps these additional rules will cut down on drone incidents. I hope so.
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