I just finished reading an article in the AARP Bulletin, titled “50 Great Ways to Live Longer.” Right away I knew I had to change my unhealthy ways and calculate my new longevity. My father lived to be 80 years old, so I always figured I’d live that long at least. I did the math below:
If I cut back on my pain pills, I would decrease my chances of heart attack or stroke by 10%. That adds 8 years (don’t get caught up in the details) to my life. That brings my life expectancy to 88 years.

If I get less than six hours of sleep, my chances of dying increases by 12%. Therefore, if I can get in six hours of sleep, my life expectancy increase to 98.5 years. Looking good so far.

If I can stay married, I have a 46% lower risk of death compared to never married men. My life expectancy increases to 143+ years (1.46* 98.5). This might be a tough one.

By drinking coffee, I add another 15% to my life, bring my life expectancy to 165 years (143*1.15). I already drink coffee, so no biggy.

Eating three or more servings of whole grains per day, reduces my death by 20%. Now my life expectancy is up to 198 (165*1.20). I may start to moo.

Eating hot peppers reduces the death rate by 13%, bringing my expectancy to 223+ years. I’m on a roll here.

Drinking whole milk can add eight to ten years to my life. My life expectancy now increases to 233 years (223 + 10).

Switching to a vegetarian diet can deduce my death rate by 12%. As much as I love meat, this switch would add 28 years to my life. Life expectancy is now 261 years (233 + 28).

Stopping smoking reduces mortality by 15% or more. Now I expect to live to 300 (261*1.15%).

Loneliness increases the risk of early death by 45%. Therefore, if I stay social, I can add 135 years (300*.45%) to my life. I may live for 435 years.
​
My new plan to live to be over 400 is simple -- cut back on pain pills, sleep six hours, stay married, drink coffee, eat three servings of whole grains per day, eat hot peppers, drink whole milk, switch to a vegetarian diet, stop smoking, stay social. You can’t argue with math. See you in 400 years.
​

President Trump has banned refugees form seven countries. Those countries are: Iran, Iraq, Libya, Somalia, Sudan, Syria, and Yemen. In 2016, a total of 43,259 refugees came to the USA. Vetting all the refugees is a long and laborious process. First the UN screens them and refers the most vulnerable cases the US for resettlement. If someone has committed a crime, that person doesn't qualify for resettlement. Then the US does its own vetting involving eight federal agencies, six different databases, five separate background checks, four fingerprint and biometric checks, three in-person interviews, two inter-agency checks and a partridge in a pear tree. That takes a lot of time and personnel. A quicker vetting process is needed.
 
I have developed a quick test to separate those refugees that truly love America from the terrorist bent of our destruction. The test is in the American language. No Spanish, English, French, Arabic or other versions exist. The refugee must score 100% or is forever banned from entering the USA. This test could be given to large groups at one time to speed up the vetting process. No collusion allowed. Here it is:

1.Do you love The United States of America? Yes or No? [The only acceptable answer is "Yes". The test giver must not say, “Do you love America?” because that might include Mexico, Central America, and South America.]

2. Have you ever been a suicide bomber? Yes or No? [The only acceptable answer is "No".]

3.The first words to the National Anthem are… Pick one.
a.       Jose, can you see?
b.      Okay, you can pee.
c.       Oh, say can you see.
d.      Beautiful for spacious skies
[The only acceptable answer is c.]

4.The best foods to order in a fast food restaurant are… Pick one.
a.       Tacos and burritos.
b.      Rice and General Tso’s chicken.
c.       Gyros and lamb kebabs 
d.      Hot dogs and apple pie.
[The only acceptable answer is d.]

5. If you wanted to buy a car for a car bomb, which would you choose? Pick one.
a.       Ford Mustang
b.      Volkswagen
c.       BMW
d.      Rolls Royce
[This is a trick question. There’s no right answer. If the subject selects any answer, he is a terrorist. However, a is the second-best answer. Always buy American.]

6.What is your favorite weapon? Pick only one.
a.       AK47
b.      Colt Defender
c.       RGP
d.      Improvised explosive device (IED)
e.       Pipe bomb
[The only acceptable answer is b. Always buy American]

7.What is your favorite sport? Pick one.
a.       Football
b.      Throwing Molotov Cocktails
c.       Throw stones at police
d.      Running away from police.
[The only acceptable answer is a.]

8.Who is considered the Father of the United States? Pick one.
a.       Donald Trump
b.      Ronald Regan
c.       Elvis Presley
d.      George Washington
[The only acceptable answer is d.]

9.Which of the following is not a real freedom under the Bill of Rights? Pick one.
a.       Freedom of Religion
b.      Freedom of Speech
c.       Freedom to live in Massachusetts and vote in Rhode Island
d.      Freedom to Bear Arms
[The only acceptable answer is c.]

10.What is the motto of the USA? Pick one.
a.       E pluribus unum. Latin for "Out of many, one"
b.      Sock it to me. American for “sock it to me.”
c.       Carpe Diem. Latin for “Seize the day”
d.      BOLO. American for “Buy one, Get one.”
[The only acceptable answer is a.]

11.If you are mentally ill, what can’t you do in the USA?
a.       Run for President.
b.      Figure out how to put together Ikea furniture.
c.       Buy a gun.
d.      Drive a car.
e.       Get Married.
[The only acceptable answer is b.]
​
​Failing this test means the refugee doesn’t love the USA and most likely is a terrorist that should be banned from entering the country.

Millions of people are unable to enjoy the comedy of life, because they are humorously challenged. Often, they suffer in silence, ashamed to admit that they don’t get the joke. Everyone should learn to recognize the symptoms and to help those unfortunate people who have trouble laughing. Friends do not let friends miss out on the joke. This is a curable and preventable illness. Maybe you are one of those who suffer in silence. Ask yourself these questions:
1. When someone tells a joke, do you stand there saying, “I don’t get it.” while everyone else is laughing?
2. Does everyone stop laughing and change the subject when you join a group?
3. Do you laugh at inappropriate times while others aren’t laughing?
4. Do you think that Saturday Night Live is a news program?
5. Do you take sarcasm as a serious statement?
6. Are you unable to laugh at yourself as well as others?
7. Do you think that Bob Hope was the Secretary of State and that Bill Clinton was a comedian?
8. Are you unable to laugh and make milk come out of your nose?
9. Do you feel pain when someone tickles your funny bone?
10. Do you think that this article is serious?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be humorously challenged to some degree. Not to fear, the cure is simple but may take years. To cure yourself from being humorously challenged, start by reading my blog at http://www.monteranderson-author.com. Once you can at least smile at my comments, start reading cartoons in the newspaper. (If you don’t know what a newspaper is, contact me privately.) Once you can understand the cartoons, you may try going to a comedy club and signing up for humorous blogs. With a little effort, you may be cured after a few years.

I haven’t felt the need to post these warnings, but considering the current topic, I thought I had better.
​
WARNING! Reading this blog may cause laughter which might result in a pulled stomach muscles, injured funny bones, coffee or milk to pour from the nose, and self-inflicted wounds caused by slapping knees or foreheads.
WARNING! Reading my blog may cause eyestrain, deep thoughts (rare), raised eyebrows, furrowing of the forehead, gnashing of teeth, and shaking of the head.
If you think you have any of these symptoms, return to my blog the next day for another dose.
Consider yourself warned.
​

I hate it when someone says, “That’s the oldest trick in the book.” I guess I hate it, because I don’t have a copy of the book. I googled “oldest trick in the book” and there’s a lot of information on the subject. I don’t want to repeat the information I found, so I’ll offer some “alternative facts.” Some data does exist on some old jokes and some is pure conjecture.

There’re “tricks” and then there’re “tricks”. Regular tricks trick people. When a prostitute has sex with a “John” that’s called a “trick”. It’s safe to assume that Eve “tricked” Adam into eating from the Tree of Knowledge. Therefore, Eve invented the oldest trick in the book. I’m guessing most of the oldest tricks came from Adam and Eve. I’m sure at some point, Adam said to Eve, “look, a Tyrannosaurus Rex.” When she looked, Adam laughed and said, “Made you look.” That caused Eve to tie Adam’s big toes together while he slept. I’m sure that once Adam made a wolf a family pet, he started to blame the wolf for his farts.

When Cain and Abel came along, Adam started the old “pull my finger’ trick. He also invented the “there's something on your shirt” trick. When Cain or Abel looked down, he would flick them on the nose. Adam would just roar with laughter, but Cain and Abel hated it. Not to be out done, Cain invented the old "tapping on Abel’s left shoulder when he was on his right." Abel didn’t care for this trick either, and they got into a fight where Cain killed Abel.
You may recall that Jacob invented the “wolf in sheep’s clothing” trick to get his father’s blessing instead of his brother Esau. Delilah may have used Eve’s old trick to trick Samson. Apparently, she gave him a roofie and then cut his hair. She wasn’t a good barber, so Samson got pissed and tore the palace apart.

We all recall the story about the “Trojan horse” trick the Greeks pulled on the citizens of Troy. That trick inspired a condom company to adopt the name “Trojan” for their name and logo. I guess if you let them inside, you’re screwed. Of course, this can’t be the oldest trick in the book.

The old “gluing coins to the sidewalk or counter” trick didn’t come along until coins were invented, so that’s not the oldest trick either. It didn’t take long for a smartass merchant in ancient India to glue newly minted coins to his counter top in his shop. That same merchant may have started the “the check’s in the mail” trick. Of course, the old “ring the doorbell and run” trick did come along until electricity and doorbells were invented.

Card tricks aren’t that old. They had to wait for cards to be invented somewhere in China around the ninth century.
​
Perhaps you know of some trick that might be the oldest trick in the book.

I have posted this before, but I still think it’s appropriate.
The Mystique of Manhood
 
The Women’s March in Washington, D.C. the #Metoo movement and the #Timesup movement have motivated me to write an exposé that’ll blow the lid off the code of silence (bro code) of the brotherhood of men. I can no longer abide with the cover up and fraud that men have perpetuated upon women. At the risk of losing my subscription to Esquire Magazine and Cosmopolitan, I’ll debunk the myths and misconceptions of the mystique of manhood. It’ll be a tell all, name names (like Thomas, Richard and Harry) and scandalous mea culpa. In all fairness, I want to give my followers and fans, especially the male ones, fair warning and a preview of what to except when my exposé explodes upon the public. I’m sure I will receive hate mail and threats from my fellow males for violating the bro code. Sorry guys, but the time has come. Our women have spoken. Here’s a preview:
 
Myth Number 1: Men leave the toilet seat up as a way of marking their territory.
The Truth: Men can’t remember to put the seat down. At a very early age, men learn not to pee on the toilet lid and/or seat, so they remember to raise them. However, whenever men manage to get 80% of their urine into the toilet, they are so proud of themselves that they forget to put the seat down. Sorry.
 
Myth Number 2: Men will never admit when they are wrong.
The Truth: Okay, I got nothing. This one is true. Wait! Did I just admit that I was wrong? Maybe there is something here. I’ll get back to you on this. However, men don’t like to be embarrassed in front of women.
 
Myth Number 3: Men have an unerring sense of direction and won’t admit when they’re lost.
The Truth: Men are no better at directions than women are. There, I said it! Why don’t men admit when they are lost and ask for directions? See Myth Number 2. When driving alone, men will seek out another brother and ask for directions. When driving with a female, some men will drive around for hours hoping their female passenger will recognize a landmark. Women navigate by landmarks.
 
Myth Number 3: Men like to barbeque.
The Truth: This one is easy to debunk. Men like meat and will eat almost any meat whether it’s cooked or not (except sushi). The truth is that since men came out of caves walking upright, fire has fascinated them. Sometimes men will go out and start the grill just to watch it burn without anything cooking.
 
Myth Number 4: Men are poor dressers.
The Truth: Not True! Men know how to dress. However, men do like to be the center of attention. The best way to do that is to wear something inappropriate. Men have been known to wear black socks with sandals just to get attention from significant others (and daughters).
 
Myth Number 5: Men don’t like Opera.
The Truth: Not true. Men admire opera. We thought her show was good, and her O Magazine has articles that even men can enjoy. Oh, wait. Did I say Opera? I meant to say Oprah. My mistake. Sorry. Never mind.
 
Myth Number 6: Men have trouble expressing their feelings.
The Truth: Bull crap! This really pisses me off! Men have no problem expressing their feelings... to other men. Whenever men gather in small groups for poker or golf, the conversation always turns to feelings. Men perpetuate the idea that they talk about women in these gathering, but it’s simply not the case. Men think that expressing feelings with women is a sign of weakness, so they don’t do it. In addition, it usually starts a long conversation, and men do hate long conversations.
 
Myth Number 7: Men are good at killing bugs and spiders.
The Truth: Another myth. Men are afraid of bugs and spiders too. People believe that since men are supposed to be hunters that they enjoy killing bugs. Men got over that a long time ago. They hate to be the one to kill them. To look heroic in front of women, men will stalk and ritually kill pieces of lint and dust bunnies. I know some men that save those fake plastic spiders from Halloween and scatter them around the house. This goes back to men wanting to be the center of attention – Myth 4.
 
Myth Number 8: Men are better than women are at math.
The Truth: Not true. Only women can multiply. Men envy that. Case closed.
 
Myth Number 9. When a sexy woman walks by, the first thing men look at is her butt.
The Truth: Simply not true. I think I can speak for all men when I say this. When a sexy woman walks by, the first thing I look at is the back of her head. Then I ask myself, “I wonder if she has a brain to go along with that really nice ass?”
 
Myth Number 10. Men are afraid of commitment.
The Truth: Also not true. Men aren’t afraid of commitment – they are afraid of women. All women scare the hell out of us.
 
Myth Number 11. Men like dogs better than cats.
The Truth: It’s not that men like dogs better than cats – they don’t. It’s just that men get excited and confused when women ask men if they would like a little “pussy.” The conversation never ends well. It is easier to talk about dogs, although they can be bitches too.
 
Myth Number 12: Men don’t have close friends the way women do.
The Truth: This is another popular myth perpetuated by men. All men have a secret Facebook page. On that page, they have many friends including ex-girlfriends/wives, your sisters, and that good-looking divorcee next door. They also have secret Twitter, Linkedin and Pinterest accounts.
 
Myth Number 13: Men don’t listen.
The Truth: I’m sorry. What were you saying?
 
Myth Number 14: Men aren’t sincere when they say they are sorry and it won’t happen again.
The Truth: Okay, there’s a nugget of truth in this myth. Let’s face it - men are stubborn. By the time men finally get around to saying they’re sorry, they’ve forgotten what they’re sorry about, so they just say the words.
 
Myth Number 15. Men will cheat if given the opportunity.
The Truth: Okay, this is basically true. However, women must share part of the blame. If there were no women to cheat with, men would not cheat. Well, a few might.
 
Myth Number 16. Men don’t cry.
The Truth: Absolutely false. Men do cry; for example, when our favorite sports team loses, or our Alma Mater loses, or the best player on one of our teams gets traded. Men just don’t cry in public or in front of women.
 
Myth Number 17. Men don’t have feelings.
The Truth: Men do have feelings. For example, we feel hunger.
 
Myth Number 18. Men don’t like to hug other men.
The Truth: This is another myth. Men hug as long as they can slap each other hard on the back.
 
Myth Number 19: Men have fragile egos.
The Truth: I resemble that remark. I couldn’t disagree more. Our egos are just find if no one hurts our feelings.
 
Myth Number 20: Men are basically color blind.
The Truth: Okay, this one is basically true. Of course, there are some exceptional men who are fashion designers and interior decorators. The rest of us have no idea what teal, periwinkle, mauve, marsala and ochre are.
 
Myth Number 20: Men don’t like ballet.
The Truth: Not true. A bunch of cute women dancing around in tights – what’s not to like.
 
I hope this helps you women who are trying to understand men. My expose may be published soon.

It seems that there is no end of women coming forward claiming to have had an affair with President Trump. We have seen the interviews with Stormy Daniels – a porn star, and Karen McDougal – a former Playboy Playmate. (When will we see the videos?) There’s also a lawsuit from Summer Zervos, a former contestant on "The Apprentice."

Here’s the thing -- voters don’t really care. Some probably admire him. It all reinforces one of my core beliefs; politicians need concubines (professional mistresses). If the public would acknowledge that people in power attract people of the oppose sex and may succumb to temptation, then this solution makes sense. This would eliminate the rumors, non-disclosure agreements, hush money, the needless spending of tax payers’ money and campaign contributions and the resignations of otherwise perfectly good politicians. These concubines would be on the payroll and paid according to the level of office. If an official doesn’t want a concubine, they must take a vow of celibacy. This would have helped President #Clinton and a long list of congressmen and a few senators. It would not help Trump for an affair before he was elected.

Of course, concubines must have a security clearance because of “pillow talk”. They will need the same level clearance as the person they are serving; for example, Top Secret for POTUS. As government employees, they must also have a rank. Government ranks are called GS levels. GS-12 through GS-15 are the same as field grade military ranks. I suggest a concubine working for a high-level Federal government politician be ranked as GS-15; governors’ concubines would be GS-14; Senators and Representative would have GS-13 concubines. Seems fair enough.
​
I look forward to this being enacted soon.

Now that Spring is here, I read with interest a news item about what to throw out from your closets. Heading the list were clothes but also old Halloween costumes, cosmetics, and anything from your ex’s. I think several things were omitted from the list. I have included them here:
1.      Your cousin who has been in the closet since junior high school.
2.      Memos of your meeting with Trump.
3.      Those old eight track tapes (also the 78 rpm records).
4.      Non-Disclosure Forms
5.      The KKK hood and gown that you thought would make a hilarious Halloween costume but didn’t.
6.      Several skeletons from your family.
7.      Jimmy Hoffa’s body.
8.      Whips, chains and other erotic paraphilia from former lovers.
9.      That ghost that haunts your house.
10.  The monsters your kid says hide in the closet.
11.  Nude pictures of you when you were young and needed the money.
12.  That suitcase full of money along with a handgun your uncle said to hide for him until he gets out.
I hope this has helped you in your Spring cleaning.
​

As we age, we may start to forget things. It doesn’t necessarily mean there’s something wrong; it may mean our brains are full of memories. It’s okay to forget some things. No one can remember everything. Here’s a list of things people forget and how to hand them:
1.      Your significant other’s name: It’s okay to forget your significant other’s name. Wait until they go to sleep, and then check their driver’s license or other documents. If you still can’t remember, you can call them “honey” or “sweet heart” for several years. However, forgetting your S.O’s name but remembering an ex’s name is a no-no. When you get a chance, steal a peek at their drivers’ licenses.
2.      Kids’ names: Also, no big deal. Just use terms like “big guy” or “princess” until you remember. When you get a chance, look at your will; their names are probably in there. No will? Then just forget their names.
3.      Passwords: This depends. If it’s a password for a web site, usually there’s a way to have them send you an email with a link to reset your password. Some sites will ask you security questions. If you can’t remember the answers, there may be a telephone number you can call. If you forget your computer password, you can always buy a new computer.
4.      Zip up: It’s okay to forget to zip up. Someone will remind you. Forgetting to unzip is more serious and may be an indication you’re ready for the nursing home.
5.      Old enemies: It’s okay to forget your old enemies. They’ll assume you forgave them.
6.      Old friends: Friends don’t let friends forget.
7.      The way home: Okay, this is serious. I recommend you sew your name and address into your clothes. If you get lost and can’t remember your way home, take out the address and hail a taxi. If you’re driving, use your car’s GPS. If you have a cellphone, use the map system. You can also ask for directions. Try this trick; draw a map on your stomach.
8.      Eating: It’s okay to forget to eat occasionally. Forgetting to chew is more serious. If you’re like me, the problem isn’t forgetting to eat, it’s forgetting to stop eating. 
9.      Cussing: Cussing is another thing that’s okay to forget. In fact, your family would probably like you to forget to cuss. Unfortunately, cussing is one of the last things people forget.
10.  Putting the toilet seat down: Female/male dominance aside, forgetting to put the toilet seat down isn’t a big deal. However, forgetting to lift the lid is a big deal. It’s the sort of thing that will send you to the nursing home. Best advice is to use the shower; no seat, no lid.
11.  Taking a shower: Most people won’t care if you forget to take a shower. Old folks are supposed to smell like old folks. In fact, I think there’s a deodorant for seniors that smells like old mothballs. Better yet, just carry mothballs in your pockets. If you don’t like the smell of mothballs, try fabric softener tissues.
12.  Spelling: Everyone has forgotten how to spell, just like cursive writing. Just use spellchecker.
13.  Where you parked your car: I hate forgetting where I parked. The best trick is to have a key fob with a locator button. Another trick is to have your significant other with you so one of you can remember where you parked. Remembering what car you parked next to is not a good idea.
14.  Why you entered a room: This is another thing I hate. The best solution is to write on your hand what it is you are going for. If you forget to look at your hand, that’s a separate issue. If your hand turns black because it’s covered with reminders, that too is another issue.
15.  Significant other’s birthday: This is a big deal; not because it’s your soulmate, but because it’s the password to half of your stuff. Once again, sneak a peek at their driver’s license. It might be best if you made a copy of their license.
​I’m sure there are other things best forgotten or remembered but these are my top picks.

My latest wip is a novel, Night Predator (working title), about an FBI agent who is a vampire and his human partner. I posted the Prologue and the first four chapters earlier, so if you missed them, scroll down. I need feedback. Here is the draft of Chapter 5
​
Chapter 5 – 59 Years Earlier

Nicolae Thanatos lay on his stomach in the dark on a small knoll overlooking a meadow in the Carpathian Mountains. On his left was his eldest son, Alin and on his right, his youngest son, Jure. They were watching a small herd of Red Deer below. It was a cloudless night and an hour past the end of twilight – perfect for night hunting. Far from any city lights, the heavens seemed to be filled with stars falling over the horizon. Nicolae inhaled deeply. The deer were still too far away for him to smell them, but he smelt the Norway spruce forest surrounding the meadow. Yesterday evening, he smelled a brown bear on the prowl. Bears are a protected species in Romania. There was no need to compete with a bear for a deer; there are plenty of deer. He called off the hunt. Tonight, he needs to get a deer.

Nicolae loved hunting. He preferred the traditional methods of hunting using a bow. But tonight, was not about tradition; tonight was about business. He needed venison meat for his butcher shop. The three men had high powered hunting rifles equipped with scopes and night observation devices (NODs). In the dark, he could see the herd of deer without any night device to assist him. Nicolae knew they could bring down three deer, but he had room in his freezer for only one. “Call out your targets,” Nicolae whispered in a Romanian dialect.

“I have the big buck in the middle,” Jure whispered back.

"The doe on the right near the big pine tree,” Alin whispered.

Nicolae touched Jure’s shoulder. “Not the buck,” he whispered. “Not this year. He must sire a few more fawns. Alin, if you have a shot, take it.”

A second later, Alin fired, and the doe dropped dead. The rest of the herd jerked their heads up. The buck darted for the woods with all the does following.

“Spot it,” Nicolae said.

“It is five meters to the right of that pine tree.” Answered Alin.

“Good. Move out,” Nicolae commanded.

Nicolae and Alin started walking toward the doe. Jure jogged back over another knoll where they had parked the ATV so they wouldn’t spook the deer. He started the ATV and turned on the IR lights and put on his IR goggles. He could see without the IR lights, but with them, he could see better and drive faster. He started driving toward the meadow, stopping to pick up his father and brother. In a few minutes they arrived at the pine tree.

Alin and his father walked over to get the doe while Jure started to unload ice chests from the trailer behind the ATV. Two large pheasants were already on the trailer. As he set up two battery powered lanterns, Nicolae and Jure dragged the dead deer over to the pine tree. Nicolae turned the doe’s head, exposing her neck. He said to Alin, “You made the kill, the first blood is yours.”

Alin knelt and felt the doe’s neck for the artery. Once he found it, he exposed his fangs and sunk them deep into the neck. He drank the still warm blood for a minute. When he stood up, his father called Jure who also sunk his fangs into the doe’s neck to drink the warm blood. Finally, the father drank blood from the doe.

Jure spread a plastic tarp under the deer and Alin placed several stainless-steel bowls on it. Nicolae elevated the hind quarters of the deer and inserted a long knife at the point of the jaw and below the neck bones. He then sliced forward severing the jugular vein, carotid arteries and trachea. Alin placed the bowls to catch the blood. As one bowl filled with blood, it was replaced with another, the blood poured into a plastic jug and placed in an ice chest. After several minutes, the blood flow slowed to a trickle. Jure tossed a rope and block and tackle to his father. His father attached the rope to the front legs of the deer while Alin hooked up the block and tackle to a low hanging branch of the pine tree. Soon the doe was hanging from the tree.

The men stopped to take a break before field dressing the deer. Alin poured each of them a cup of coffee as they sat down on camp chairs. Once the coffee was gone, Alin removed a plastic bag from the ATV and placed it under the doe. Nicolae’s experienced hands performed the field dressing. After a few cuts, the entrails dropped into the plastic bag. He fished around the plastic bag and removed the heart, liver, kidneys and small intestines. He placed them in a separate ice chest. Meanwhile, Jure had set up a propane field stove and had a fire going.

“Can I take a bite of the heart?” Alin asked.

“No,” his father answered. “I cannot sell it with fang marks on it.” He continued to work while the deer was still warm and soon had it skinned. He sliced off a large piece of venison and tossed it to Jure who caught it in a frying pan. Alin removed a carton of eggs from a backpack. Soon the three men sat done to a breakfast of venison and scrambled eggs.

“It does not get better than this, fellows,” Nicolae said. “Hunting at night and then having steak and eggs for supper. Our ancestors have been night hunters for centuries. This bloodletting has been performed thousands of times.” Alin and Jure chuckled. “What?” their father asked.

“Dad,” Alin answered. “Every time we go hunting with you, you tell us that. We heard it hundreds of times. We get it.”

“Humph,” Nicolae replied. “I just want you to remember. It has not always been this easy.”

“What do you mean?” Jure asked.

Nicolae took a deep breath. “From time to time, the humans have persecuted vampires, especially during the World Wars. There was a lot of killing on both sides.”

“That is ancient history,” Alin said. “We have been at peace with the humans for a while now.”

Nicole threw his coffee on the ground. “It will not last. These things are cyclic.”

“Why do humans hate us?” Jure asked his father.

Nicolae thought for a moment. “All hatred starts out as fear.”

“Okay… why do they fear us?” Jure asked.

That’s a tough question,” Nicolae said. “Because we are different I suppose. We live in the night and humans fear the night. They think we want their blood. Some still believe if we bite them, they become vampires too.”

“Those are old superstitions,” Alin said. “How did they get started in the first place?”

“Superstitions are easy to believe and die hard,” Nicolae said. “When Christianity first arrived here, the natives, the old Dacian tribes thought the Christians killed babies and drank their blood.”

“Because of the Eucharist?” Alin asked.

“Correct,” his father answered. “But it is not just us. Humans also persecute the Jews, Slavs, gypsies, and homosexuals. I guess they fear if we ever get into power, we will persecute them.” All at once, Alvin and Jure both stood up and turned toward the east baring their fangs. “What is it?” Nicolae asked. Alvin picked up his rifle. Jure started toward the ATV to get his rifle but stopped when his father held up his hand.

Jure pointed east. “Wolves. A small pack. Maybe four or five. In that direction.”

“It is okay,” Nicolae said. “They smell the blood. They have been circling us for ten minutes. Now they are upwind. They will not come near until we leave.”

“Unless they are werewolves,” Jure joked. The men laughed.

After breakfast, Nicolae and Alin moved the carcass to the ATV trailer while Jure scraped the fat and flesh from the hide with a knife. He then spread a layer of salt on the inside of the hide, rolled it up and put it on the ATV trailer. After the men cleaned up, they started the trip to Nicolae’s butcher shop in the village. Nicolae was driving. He came to a sudden stop thirty meters short of the main highway. The boys heard it too; a small convoy was coming down the main road. Nicolae parked under a pine tree out of sight. Two minutes later, a convoy of six trucks drove by. Each truck flew a large black flag with a red-letter V on it.

After the convoy passed, Jure asked his father, “What does the V stand for?”

Nicolae looked at his two boys. “It’s an organization I do not want you boys to get involved with.”

Alin spoke up, “V stands for the vampire rebellion. They are demanding a homeland for vampires in the Carpathian Mountains.”

Nicolae turned towards his son. “How do you know that?” he demanded.

Alin shrugged his shoulders. “I have friends involved with them. It sounds like a good thing.”

“Good thing?” Nicolae said. “The homeland they want in the Carpathians includes parts of Romania, Ukraine, Poland, Hungary and Slovakia. Those countries will never agree to it. It means a possible war.” Without another word, Nicolae started the ATV and pulled onto the main highway heading toward the village. At the butcher shop, the boys helped their father carry the deer carcass, ice chests and the two pheasants into the shop.

“Can we stay and help cut up the meat,” asked Jure.

“No,” answered Nicolae. “You have to get to night school. Make sure you spread out that skin before you go to school. Tell mother I will bring home the liver. We can have liver and onions for supper.” Nicolae waved goodbye to his sons as they drove off in the ATV. Then he walked inside and started to cut up the deer.

Once on the road, Jure said to Alin, “I know you are part of the rebellion.”

For a minute, Alin didn’t say anything but kept his eyes on the road. Finally, he asked, “Who told you?”

“Karayan Nelo.”

“Karayan has a big mouth,” Alin said.

“He told me because he was trying to recruit me,” Jure said.

“It is not his job to recruit you,” Alin replied. “You will join when the time is right.”

“And when will that be?” Jure asked.

“When you are a believer. Why did you ask father what the V stood for if you knew?”

“I did not want him to know we knew already.”

Just before sunrise, Nicolae’s partner -- a human -- arrived to open the butcher shop for business. It was a good partnership; Nicolae hunted at night and provided the meat and his partner helped butcher the meat and sell it during the day. “Good hunt?” his partner asked as he put on a clean butcher apron.

“Yeah. I have a Red Deer nearly ready for you. Tomorrow I will have the pheasants. If you have time, you can start on the sausage. See you tomorrow morning.” Nicolae hung up his apron and left for home. 

$$$$.
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