I read with interest an item on my newsfeed (Life Style) from Brides Magazine, “The 7 Phrases That Are Ruining Your Relationship.” Now I’ve been married twice, so I speak from experience when I say, “Not even close.” The article listed these phases:
1. "I'm sorry, but ..." There’s always a “but” isn’t there?
2. "Yeah? Well, you ..." We men know our only defense is to say, “I’m sorry and it won’t happen again.”
3. "You always ..."
4. "I'm fine."
5. "I told you ..."
6. "You're just like ..."
7. "You're overreacting."
All true but not all that damaging. Here are the other phrase/sentences, based on my experience, that will ruin your relationship:

1. If you’re a man – “I think your best friend/mother/daughter is hot.” For a woman – “I think your best friend/father/son is hot.”
2. “Can I wear your panties and bra?”
3. “I think the condoms I used have been recalled.”
4. “The voices in your head are starting to annoy me.”
5. “Have you seen my pet cobra?”
6. “Did you take my pipe bombs?”
7. “My coffee tastes like antifreeze.”
8. “Let’s play Russian Roulette.”
9. “My parole officer would like to meet you.”
10. “Did I mention that my divorce isn’t final yet?”

 
Trust me – these comments will sabotage your relationship.
​
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​

I just finished reading an article in the AARP Bulletin, titled “50 Great Ways to Live Longer.” Right away I knew I had to change my unhealthy ways and calculate my new longevity. My father lived to be 80 years old, so I always figured I’d live that long at least. I did the math below:

If I cut back on my pain pills, I would decrease my chances of heart attack or stroke by 10%. That adds 8 years (don’t get caught up in the details) to my life. That brings my life expectancy to 88 years.

If I get less than six hours of sleep, my chances of dying increases by 12%. Therefore, if I can get in six hours of sleep, my life expectancy increases to 98.5 years. Looking good so far.

If I can stay married, I have a 46% lower risk of death compared to never married men. My life expectancy increases to 143+ years (1.46* 98.5). This might be a tough one.

By drinking coffee, I add another 15% to my life, bring my life expectancy to 165 years (143*1.15). I already drink coffee, so no biggy.

Eating three or more servings of whole grains per day, reduces my death by 20%. Now my life expectancy is up to 198 (165*1.20). I may start to moo.

Eating hot peppers reduces the death rate by 13%, bringing my expectancy to 223+ years. I’m on a roll here.

Drinking whole milk can add eight to ten years to my life. My life expectancy now increases to 233 years (223 + 10).

Switching to a vegetarian diet can deduce my death rate by 12%. As much as I love meat, this switch would add 28 years to my life. Life expectancy is now 261 years (233 + 28).

Stopping smoking reduces mortality by 15% or more. Now I expect to live to 300 (261*1.15%).
Loneliness increases the risk of early death by 45%. Therefore, if I stay social, I can add 135 years (300*.45%) to my life. I may live for 435 years.

My new plan to live to be over 400 is simple -- cut back on pain pills, sleep six hours, stay married, drink coffee, eat three servings of whole grains per day, eat hot peppers, drink whole milk, switch to a vegetarian diet, stop smoking, stay social. You can’t argue with math. See you in 400 years.
​
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​

I wrote this a few years ago but since the government didn’t enact my recommendations, the problem is still here only worst.

It seems that the country has one problem after another with crisis following crisis. All these problems cry out for a solution. I recall seeing a sign when I worked in the Pentagon that said, “Every problem can be solved if the solution is complex enough. Simple solutions to complex problem will not be tolerated.” Apparently, all the nation’s problems can be solved with a complex solution no one can understand, let alone implement.  Now that I am older and slightly wiser, I realize that many of our national problems have a simple solution. It may be a hard and difficult solution but probably the correct one.

Let’s face the facts. People want to come to the USA for a better life or escape prosecution in their country. Many try to cross the border from #Mexico. They come from #CentralAmerica, South America and from overseas. Spin off problems include the large influx of unaccompanied children, #amnesty for illegal aliens, undocumented workers, keeping our borders secure, drugs, crime, etc. To paraphrase a Mexican bandit leader named "Gold Hat" (played by Alfonso Bedoya) in the movie The Treasure of the Sierra Madre, "Walls? We don't need no stinkin' walls!"

Here’s the simple solution; Annex Central America. Make it a territory of the United States -- problem solved. The US should annex Central America down to the Panama Canal. That includes Mexico, #Guatemala, #Honduras, #CostaRica, and half of #Panama. We would make it a territory like #Guam, #PuertoRico, and #Hollywood or add five new states.

Here’s the impact of that solution:
1. All the people in Central America would be US citizens -- no need to immigrate.
2. The Panama Canal is a great barrier; no need to build a wall. We could fill the canal with sharks. The canal is 48 miles long – a fraction of length of the southern border with Mexico. Plus, it’ll be difficult to dig tunnels under the canal. A portion is under water which can be patrolled by boats and a couple of guard towers.
3. It would probably mean more votes for the Democratic Party.
4. The Panama Canal would be returned to the US ownership (at least half would)-- more income.
5. More illegal drugs would be available at lower prices. Many cartels would be out of business.
6.  No one would need a visa to take a vacation in Central America.
7. People would then be able to eat real Mexican food.
8. School kids would have to learn where Costa Rica is located.
9. The NRA will be happy to learn that many of the people in Central America are already armed.
10. The area is already named “America.”
11. This action will put the Canadians on notice to clean up their act.

The lower cost to build a wall should make this a no-brainer.
​
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​

We Need a Plan to End This Secret Documents Crisis.

Once again I’m departing from my usual humorous blog to vet.

Time Out. We need a national time out to locate all the secret documents in unauthorized places like homes, garages, etc. The current system isn’t working. Secrets are leaking from our government like water through a sieve. This is an embarrassment to our country. Politicians can’t be trusted to properly secure classified materials. Many don’t know how or haven’t been trained to do so. Some can’t be trusted.

I recommend the DOJ allow 30 days for every politician to search their own properties and return all classified materials to the archives or wherever they belong. After 30 days, the FBI should search every politicians’ properties for secret materials beginning to those in session to the President (VP, the Speaker of the House, The President Pro Tempore of the Senate, and then Cabinet secretaries.) Then we need to institute a better plan for tracking classified materials (See my blog from January 13, 2023). Every classified item should be tagged with a tracking device—one that triggers an alarm when it leaves the building. Whenever a politician leaves office or retires, their properties should be searched again by the FBI. No classified material should leave a government building where it is properly secured.

The FBI will need help. They should be allowed to use the Military branches of each service. They should be able to complete their searches within one year or less.
​
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​

Nearly 1.3 million immigrants came to the US in 2020, excluding asylees. Vetting all the refugees is a long and laborious process. First the UN screens them and refers the most vulnerable cases for resettlement in the USA. If someone has committed a crime, that person doesn't qualify for resettlement. Then the US does its own vetting involving eight federal agencies, six different databases, five separate background checks, four fingerprint and biometric checks, three in-person interviews, two inter-agency checks and a partridge in a pear tree. That takes a lot of time and personnel. A quicker vetting process is needed.

I have developed a quick test to separate those refugees that truly love America from the terrorist bent of our destruction. The test is in the American language. No Spanish, English, French, Arabic or other versions exist. The refugee must score 100% or is forever banned from entering the USA. This test could be given to large groups at one time to speed up the vetting process. No collusion allowed.

​Here it is:
1.Do you love The United States of America? Yes or No? [The only acceptable answer is Yes. The test giver must not say, “Do you love America?” because that might include Mexico, Central America, and South America.]
2. Have you ever been a suicide bomber? Yes or No? [The only acceptable answer is no.]
3.The first words to the National Anthem are… Pick one.

1. Jose, can you see?
2. Okay, you can pee.
3. Oh, say can you see.
4. Beautiful for spacious skies

[The only acceptable answer is c.]
4.The best foods to order in a fast-food restaurant are… Pick one.

1. Tacos and burritos.
2. Rice and General Tso’s chicken.
3. Gyros and lamb kebabs 
4. Hot dogs and apple pie.

[The only acceptable answer is d.]
5. If you wanted to buy a car for a car bomb, which would you choose? Pick one.

1. Ford Mustang
2. Volkswagen
3. BMW
4. Rolls Royce

[This is a trick question. There’s no right answer. If the subject selects any answer, he is a terrorist. However, a is the second-best answer. Always buy American.]
6.What is your favorite weapon? Pick only one.

1. AK47
2. Colt Defender
3. RGP
4. Improvised explosive device (IED)
5. Pipe bomb

[The only acceptable answer is b. Always buy American]
7.What is your favorite sport? Pick one.

1. Football
2. Throwing Molotov Cocktails.
3. Throw stones at police.
4. Running away from police.

[The only acceptable answer is a.]
8.Who is considered the Father of the United States? Pick one.

1. Donald Trump
2. Ronald Regan
3. Elvis Presley
4. George Washington

[The only acceptable answer is d.]
9.Which of the following is not a real freedom under the Bill of Rights? Pick one.

1. Freedom of Religion
2. Freedom of Speech
3. Freedom to live in Massachusetts and vote in Rhode Island.
4. Freedom to Bear Arms

 [The only acceptable answer is c.]
10.What is the motto of the USA? Pick one.

1. E pluribus unum. Latin for "Out of many, one"
2. Sock it to me. American for “sock it to me.”
3. Carpe Diem. Latin for “Seize the day”
4. BOLO. American for “Buy one, Get one.”

[The only acceptable answer is a.]
11.If you are mentally ill, what can’t you do in the USA?

1. Run for President.
2. Figure out how to put together Ikea furniture.
3. Buy a gun.
4. Drive a car.
5. Get Married.

 [The only acceptable answer is b.]
​
Failing this test means the refugee doesn’t love the USA and most likely is a terrorist that should be banned from entering the country. 

I saw this article on my news feed, “7 Things You’re Doing That Are Probably Annoying Your Boss” by Rachel Bowie. She listed: making everything an emergency, forgetting to loop her in, writing subject lines that are unclear, emailing at all hours of the night, being on social websites constantly, needing constant reminding, and not showing enthusiasm. Without belaboring the point, I thought this wasn’t even close.
​
Here are the real things that really annoy your boss:

1. hitting on her (or him).
2. showing excessive interest in the teenage intern.
3. spending all morning cleaning your AK47 and talking to it.
4. spending too much time coloring in a coloring book.
5. talking to imaginary employees in the room and/or a “Little Me” sitting on your shoulder.
6. not sharing drugs in the workplace.
7. selling girl scout cookies at work all year long.
8. stealing pens and paper from the office.
9. trying to get your stupid brother hired.
10. Using the copy machine for pornographic pictures.

 
If this isn’t bad enough, I’m sure you may have others. Let’s hear them.

Millions of people are unable to enjoy the comedy of life because they are humorously challenged. Often, they suffer in silence, ashamed to admit that they don’t get the joke. Everyone should learn to recognize the symptoms and to help those unfortunate people who have trouble laughing. Friends do not let friends miss out on the joke. This is a curable and preventable illness. Maybe you are one of those who suffer in silence. Ask yourself these questions:


1. When someone tells a joke, do you stand there saying, “I don’t get it.” while everyone else is laughing?
2. Does everyone stop laughing and change the subject when you join a group?
3. Do you laugh at inappropriate times while others aren’t laughing?
4. Do you think that Saturday Night Live is a news program?
5. Do you take sarcasm as a serious statement?
6. Are you unable to laugh at yourself as well as others?
7. Do you think that Bob Hope was the Secretary of State and that Bill Clinton was a comedian?
8. Are you unable to laugh and make milk come out of your nose?
9. Do you feel pain when someone tickles your funny bone?
10. Do you think that this article is serious?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be humorously challenged to some degree. Not to fear, the cure is simple but may take years. To cure yourself from being humorously challenged, start by reading my blog at http://www.monteranderson-author.com. Once you can at least smile at my comments, start reading cartoons in the newspaper. (If you don’t know what a newspaper is, contact me privately.) Once you can understand the cartoons, you may try going to a comedy club and signing up for humorous blogs. With a little effort, you may be cured after a few years.
 
I haven’t felt the need to post these warnings, but considering the current topic, I thought I had better.

WARNING! Reading this blog may cause laughter which may result in pulled stomach muscles, injured funny bones, coffee or milk to pour from the nose, and self-inflicted wounds caused by slapping knees or foreheads.

WARNING! Reading my blog may cause eyestrain, deep thoughts (rare), raised eyebrows, furrowing of the forehead, gnashing of teeth, and shaking of the head.

If you think you have any of these symptoms, return to my blog next week for another dose.
Consider yourself warned.
​
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​

I hate it when someone says, “That’s the oldest trick in the book.” I guess I hate it, because I don’t have a copy of the book. I googled “oldest trick in the book” and there’s a lot of information on the subject. I did some research to find the oldest trick in the book. I started with one of the oldest books, the Bible. I don’t want to repeat the information I found, so I’ll offer some “alternative facts.” Some data does exist on some old jokes, and some is pure conjecture.

There’re “tricks” and then there’re “tricks”. Regular tricks trick people. When a prostitute has sex with a “John” that’s called a “trick”. It’s safe to assume that Eve “tricked” Adam into eating from the Tree of Knowledge. Therefore, Eve invented the oldest trick in the book. I’m guessing most of the oldest tricks came from Adam and Eve. I’m sure at some point, Adam said to Eve, “look, a Tyrannosaurus Rex.” When she looked, Adam laughed and said, “Made you look.” That caused Eve to tie Adam’s big toes together while he slept. I’m sure that once Adam made a wolf a family pet, he started to blame the wolf for his farts.

When Cain and Abel came along, Adam started the old “Pull my finger’ trick. He also invented the “there's something on your shirt” trick. When Cain or Abel looked down, he would flick them on the nose. Adam would just roar with laughter, but Cain and Abel hated it. Not to be out done, Cain invented the old "tapping on Abel’s left shoulder when he was on his right." Abel didn’t care for this trick either, and they got into a fight where Cain killed Abel.

You may recall that Jacob invented the “wolf in sheep’s clothing” trick to get his father’s blessing instead of his brother Esau. Delilah may have used Eve’s old trick to trick Samson. Apparently, she gave him a roofie and then cut his hair. She wasn’t a good barber, so Samson got pissed and tore the palace apart.

We all recall (I hope) the story about the “Trojan horse” trick the Greeks pulled on the citizens of Troy. That trick inspired a condom company to adopt the name “Trojan” for their name and logo. I guess if you let them inside, you’re screwed. Of course, this can’t be the oldest trick in the book.
The old “gluing coins to the sidewalk or counter” trick didn’t come along until coins were invented, so that’s not the oldest trick either. It didn’t take long for a smartass merchant in ancient India to glue newly minted coins to his countertop in his shop. That same merchant may have started the “The check’s in the mail” trick. Of course, the old “ring the doorbell and run” trick did come along until electricity and doorbells were invented.

Card tricks aren’t that old. They had to wait for cards to be invented somewhere in China around the ninth century.

Perhaps you know of some trick that might be the oldest trick in the book.

THE END

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​

I’m deviating from my normal humorous blog to weigh in on a current situation. I return to humor next week. Sorry if this disappoints you.
​
I don’t know if the White House will change their protocols for handling classified materials, but, obviously, they should. There have been too many incidents of mishandling classified documents. I’ll bet they consider the White House a secure area where all classified documents aren’t locked up or secured daily. They just lay around on desks and in files. The Pentagon was like that; secret documents could be left out if they didn’t leave the room or the building. Each department had safes where we could secure classified documents when not in use.

It seems obvious to me that the White House needs a system where every classified document is log in and placed in a secured room or area. When needed outside of the secure area, they should be logged out by the user and returned that same day. They should never be taken home. I recommend that each document be tagged with a RF tag the triggers an alarm any time the document leaves the secure area without being logged out. We use RF tags on clothes to reduce shoplifting. We have better systems to help find lost car keys. All documents should be inventoried periodically, at least monthly.

This seems like a lot of work, and it is. It may require a special staffer just to handle classified materials. It could be staffed by the military. That individual would be responsible for logging in the classified material when it comes in, applying a RF tag, and conducting inventories to account for each classified item. That person would lock up all materials at the end of the day.

That my two cents worth. I hope I didn’t bore you.
​
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Here’s a short story I wrote ma few years ago. I hope you enjoy it.
 
Can You Hear Me Now?
 
She marched into the airport lobby with that purposeful gait of a young, female professional very much in control and commanding attention but pretending not to notice it so much as to expect it. He couldn’t help being aware of her as she sat down in the row of seats opposite him. She saw him when she first came into the lobby. Who wouldn’t; he was a hottie. She had to look at him only once, and then she avoided looking his direction. She knew he would be watching her. She always knew. He continued to watch her as she settled in: removed her coat, checked her ticket, checked her watch and took out her cell phone.
 
She turned on her phone and reviewed her messages. Nothing. He should have called by now. He knows I hate that. He will have some lame excuse, I am sure. She checked her watch again. He should be awake by now. She highlighted his number and pushed the “Talk” button.
She waited several rings for him to pick up. Finally, she said, “Hello, Sweetheart. Good morning. Did I wake you? How are you? I am okay too. No, I am at the airport, and I have some time, so I thought I would like to hear your voice. I missed you last night.” She listened for a minute and then said, “You were going to call me last night. What happened?” She listened again.

He stopped watching her to take out his own cell phone. He took out the microphone, stuck the earpiece in his ear, and dialed from memory.

She heard something and blurted, “Is that a cell phone I hear in the background? Where are you?”
“Good morning, Beautiful.” he said in that tone of voice that she liked so much early in the morning. “I’m fine. How are you? No, I’m still at the airport. My flight was delayed.”

“Who’s with you?” she demanded in a voice a too loud for privacy.

“Why are you whispering? Where are you?” he asked.

“You bastard!” she said half shouting. “You told me you had to work late. You slept together and had sex, didn’t you? No, it’s not the same thing! After all this time, you sneak behind my back and sleep with your wife.” She paused and lowered her voice a couple of octaves. “I know that sounds stupid, but you know what I mean.”

“What do you mean he’s there?” He felt his anger rising, and he hoped that she would hear it in his voice. “What the hell is he doing there?”

She stood up and began to walk in small circles, oblivious to the people around her. “You told me that you had separated. You said you’d never go back to her. You lied to me.”

Now he is shouting, “Where is he now? In the bathroom? You mean the master bathroom in your bedroom?”

Fighting back tears she said, “You didn’t have to sleep with her. You could’ve slept on the couch.”
He shouted again, “You slept with him, didn’t you? You could’ve thrown him out.”

She accused him over the phone, “You had sex with Judy! Don’t lie to me.”

Gesturing, he said, “I can’t believe what I’m hearing. You said you hated Bob. You said you couldn’t stand to be around him. So now, you sleep with him?”

Speaking in a calmer voice, she asked, “Bob, did you tell her about me? You said you would. You promised!”

He sat back in his seat and asked, “You didn’t tell him about me, did you?”

She listened for a while and then said, “Yes, I’m mad. I’m so pissed! I can’t deal with this! This is too much. You can’t treat me this way. I’m not shouting! Okay, I’ll listen.”

After he listened, he replied, “Judy, did you at least file for divorce? You said that last month.”

She said, “I understand that you feel sorry for her but what about me?”

He said, “I know you feel sorry for him, but that is no excuse.”

Finally, she said, “Look, just get dressed and leave the house. We’ll talk about it later.”

Finally, he said, “Okay, just get rid of him and call me back.”

They ended their calls and put their phones away. He glanced at her as she pulled out a book to read. When she glanced his direction, he looked at his watch and pretended not to notice. They sat in silence and thought about what a mess their lives are.

She looked at him over the top of her book. I hope he is on my flight; my luck might change.
​
THE END