If you have ever been #unemployed and looked for a position you know about elevator pitches. They're those 30-second speeches that you can rattle off on a second's notice anywhere, anytime. It comes in handy when you're caught off guard and aren't sure what to say when someone asks, “What do you do?” or “Do you carry your lunch or walk to school?” Once you write it and practice it to perfection, you go looking for an elevator and ride it run up and down until a hiring manager gets in. Now you may wonder how to start a conversation when you're finally in an elevator with a hiring manager. One way to break the ice is to ask, “Did you fart?” When the hiring manager answers, start your elevator pitch.
Riding up and down in elevators is a little too obvious. It's enough to make managers take the stairs. I have found you have a better chance if you hang around the restroom. When the proper manager arrives to pee, and they all do sooner or later, start your speech. They are a captive audience, at least for the time it takes to make your pitch.
Hiring managers get a little bored at hearing elevator speeches in elevators or restrooms so I recommend the non-elevator speech. Rewrite your pitch so it doesn't sound like a pitch. Here is an example that I used when I was seeking a position as a writer:
“Hi, my name is Monte. I'm sorry. I guess you thought I was going to give you an elevator pitch. No, I wouldn't do that. I just here to mingle and relax. I could though. I mean, I'm a writer so I could write an elevator pitch if I wanted to. I have good presentation skills, so I'm sure I could recite the pitch perfectly. After all, I have published several e-books and a couple of novels. I find writing is a good way to utilize my master’s degree and vast experience. I could even write it with others since I'm such a good team player. I won't bore you with all the details of my work history or the numerous articles I have written for magazines. Unless, of course, you're interested. Another time perhaps. Here is my card. Oh, I've attached my resume to it in case you're hiring. Bye.”
​I should warn you that I never got hired. Go figure.
A

We just survived one storm system that brought snow a freezing weather. Now another one is one the way. It will cross the Mid-Atlantic region then shift south of New England through Sunday. Here in New York, we will have freezing rain and snow.  With a nod to #JohnnyCarson, I have to say that it is cold here in #NewYork. How cold is it, you ask? It is so cold that:
1. I had a thought and it froze.
2. My farts fall to the floor, roll around and crack open.
3. My dogs refuse to go outside without coats and boots.
4. When the forecast is for 5 degrees above zero, I look forward to the warmer weather.
5. I tried to spit and injured a bystander.
6. When I blink, my eyelashes freeze together.
7. I thought perhaps the White Soxs won the world series since hell must have frozen over.
8. I started a heated argument with my wife just to get warm.
9. I saw a Yeti driving a snow plow.
10. I'm using ice melt in my coffee.​

Perhaps you have some similar experiences to share.
A

I like to watch TV and movies, I’ll admit it. On some of my favorite shows there one character who I call the philosopher. This includes characters like Marjorie Armstrong (Mimi Kennedy) in the TV series Mom, Yoda in the movie Star Wars and Master Po in the TV series Kung Fu. It seems like everything they say is wise. After a while it wears thin on me. Here is a sample dialogue between such a character and another character—a little exaggerated perhaps. I’ll use Marjorie and Christy as an example. (My apologies to the writers of Mom.)

Christy: Marjorie, I’m going out to buy coffee. You want anything?
Marjorie: A journey of a thousand miles starts with the first step.
Christy: Yeah, that may be but I just going to the store which is three blocks away and I’m driving.
Marjorie: Well, I’ll miss you. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Christy: I’ll just be gone fifteen minutes at the most.
Marjorie: Don’t rush. Better late than never.
Christy: Would you rather I go tomorrow?
Marjorie: No. No. You go. Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can do today.
Christy: I asked you if you wanted anything. Do you?
Marjorie: No. You go. Life is a journey. Hold on and enjoy the ride
Christy: You know, sometimes you drive me crazy.
Marjorie: That okay. The clouds may come, and the tears may fall but hang on, my friend. The sun will come, and your smile will reappear.
Christy: Just once I’d like a straight answer.
​
See what I mean?
​

or ​I'm sure that you all have seen news stories that quoted or referred to an “unnamed source” or some other source.  You may have wondered who this source was and what his/her job was. Let me clarify this for you. There are various types of sources for news. Where that source is from can determine what the source is called. For example, a source might be declared as a “government source” or an “industry source” because they work for the industry for the government. Other common sources are:
An Insider Source—a source who works indoors.
Confidential Source—a source that is very confident.
Official Source—someone who has the job title of “official source”.
Anonymous Source—usually a source whose name the reporter has forgotten.
Unnamed Source—often an anonymous source but usually a source the reporter doesn’t name because it might piss the source off.
A Spokesperson—an official source for an organization.
A Close Source—a source who stands very near someone in the news and is also an anonymous source., For example, “sources close to the POTUS”.
 
Anyone who works at the Pentagon can be a Pentagon Source or a Pentagon Insider. When I worked at the Pentagon, I was surprised to discover that reporters will randomly call the Pentagon telephone numbers hoping that someone, anyone will answer the phone. No matter who answers, the reporters will fire off questions on the current situation. Pentagon sources are classified as:
High-level Pentagon Source – Someone who works on the fifth floor of the Pentagon-- sometimes referred to as a “Top-level” Pentagon source.
Pentagon Source – Someone who works at the Pentagon but not on the fifth floor.
Confidential Pentagon Source – Someone who works at the Pentagon but can't remember what floor he/she works on, a common malady at the Pentagon.
 
Reporters classify the information they gain from sources as:
"On the record": This means the reporter recorded it on something other than a piece of paper. All that is said can be quoted and attributed.
"Unattributable": This means the report has no idea what the source said.
"Off the record": This means that the batteries went dead on the reporter’s recorder.
 
I hope this clarifies the source of news for you.

I read an interesting article by Dominique Michelle Astorino, (3/21/2018) in POPSUGAR (on my newsfeed), “Are You Eating Too Much Sugar? If You Have 1 or More of These Symptoms, Then Yes”. She mentioned acne, headaches, and hormone imbalances. Of course, she left out the following obvious signs:
1.      People want to kiss you often.
2.      You stir your coffee with your thumb, so you don’t have to add sugar.
3.      Kids chase you Halloween night.
4.      Your friends suck on your fingers.
5.      Your doctor now calls your A1C your A1Z.
6.      A trail of ants follows you everywhere.
7.      You start to melt in the sun.
8.      You stick to the seats.
9.      All your teeth fall out.
10.  You have a sugar high 24/7.​

If you have any of these symptoms, you might want to cut back on your sugar consumption.

I read with interest and article on my newsfeed written by Katie Askew in Reader’s Digest, “12 Things You Should Really Never Microwave.” She mentioned eggs, meat, breast milk, all types of containers, certain plates, travel mugs, nothing (an empty microwave), cups of water, and old mugs you might have made at summer camp.   Of course, whenever people write these lists, they omit major things. As a community service, with tongue in cheek, I want to add to the list:

1.      Your hair. Even if your hair is long enough to put into the microwave oven and get the door closed, don’t do it. Use a blow dryer. A wig is another story.
2.      Your underwear. The microwave isn’t a short cut to cleaning your underwear. Use a washing machine.
3.      Your pets. It might seem logical to dry your pet in the microwave. Bad idea, believe me. I learned that the hard way. This is not the way to dry your pets after a bath. They won’t like and may never speak to you again.
4.      Your feet. Trust me on this one. The microwave will not cure foot fungus.
5.      Your daughter’s new boyfriend. Okay, this one I haven’t tried. It might work.
6.      Gun powder. That includes all ammunitions, weapons, pipe bombs, fireworks, and hand grenades. Just don’t try it.
7.      Rocks for sauna or hot rock massage. Just doesn’t work. Use your BBQ.
8.      Containers of gasoline or diesel fuel. Well duh! You shouldn’t bring gas or flammable fuel into your home.​

I hope these guidelines help you to known what you can’t microwave.

It’s that time of year when we take stock of the things we’re thankful for. I have been working on this list for weeks. I’ve eliminated the obvious things that people list every year; family, friends, health, blah, blah, blah. Here’s my list of things I’m thankful for:
 1.      Farts are colorless. Can you imagine what the world would be like if farts were blue or green? That would take all the guess work out of who farted and let the dog off the hook.
2.      Lobsters can’t scream when you cook them (same goes for stepping on bugs). This goes without saying.
3.      Cow can’t fly. Pigeons are bad enough. Thank goodness cows can’t fly.
4.      Dinosaurs are extinct. Driving to work every day is enough of a hassle. Thank goodness we don’t have to dodge dinosaurs too.
5.      Fire. I’m not sure who invented or discovered it, but Thanksgiving wouldn’t be the same without fire. We’d have to eat cold turkey. What would a BBQ be without fire? A stack of wood or coal.
6.      My secret bank account. I’m glad my wife doesn’t know about my secret bank account. Oh, wait! WTF? Never mind.
7.      Breathing is automatic. I’m certainly glad I don’t have to think about breathing. I’m so forgetful lately, I’d forget to breathe.
8.      Light bulbs. Because without light bulbs, we’d be in …wait for it… the dark ages.
9.      Gravity. Where would we be without gravity? Fling to the far corners of the solar system, I imagine.
10.  Control of my anal sphincter. Can you imagine what life would be like if humans had not control of their anal sphincters? It would be shitty for sure. You could say, “That depends.”
11.  The POTUS plays a lot of golf. I wish he’d play more often.
12.  Beer. Ben Franklin said, “In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.” Which is why I don’t drink water.
13.  Coffee. The elixir of the gods. I plan to quit drinking coffee as soon as I find a better way to get it down.
14.  The thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. How does it know?
15.  Golf Carts. A golf cart came in handy when my good buddy Ralph had a heart attack in the middle of our golf game. If we didn’t have a golf cart, we would’ve had to drag his body from hole to hole.
16.  My brain. I’m thankful my mind is still tack as a sharp.
17.  That marijuana is harmless. Thank goodness it haade ne efftive omn me abilly to rite.
​Perhaps you have some non-traditional things to be thankful for. Let’s hear them.

I was in Barnes and Noble the other day when I came across Richard Carlson’s book, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff... and it’s all Small Stuff, which became a best seller. It was USA Today's bestselling book for two consecutive years and spent over 100 weeks on the New York Times Best Seller list. He went on to write a series of books based on not sweating the small stuff.
 
It made me think – there must be some small stuff we should sweat. I did a little digging and… now I don’t want to frighten anyone… but some small stuff is worth sweating. Here’s my list:
 
1.      Viruses. Viruses are small things. They consist of a nucleic acid molecule in a protein coat – too small to be seen by a regular microscopy. They can be nasty small fry. They include Ebola, the human immunodeficiency virus (HIV), Marburg, rabies, smallpox, Dengue and influenza (flu). Might want to sweat viruses.

2.      Bacteria. Bacteria are tiny creatures, typically a few micrometers in length. And here’s the thing… they’re everywhere. Not all bacteria are harmful but some like anthrax, bubonic plague, tuberculosis, and pneumonia are. Others cause serious diseases like cholera, diphtheria, bacterial meningitis, and syphilis. Watch out for these small stuffers.

3.      Unprotected sex. Condoms are small but smaller still are the sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) caused by unprotected sex. Here’s a list to name a few: Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, Herpes, HIV/AIDS, Human Papillomavirus (HPV), Syphilis, Bacterial Vaginosis and Trichomoniasis. So let’s all sweat the small condoms.

4.      Cancer. Cancer cells are small but usually there are small symptoms. There are more than 100 types of cancer including carcinomas (skin), sarcomas (bone and soft tissues), Osteosarcoma (bone) leukemias (bone marrow), Hodgkin lymphoma and Non-Hodgkin and Melanoma (skin). If you see a small and strange growth on your skin or feel a lump -- sweat it.

5.      Mosquitoes. These tiny insects bug me. They sneak in and suck your blood before you even know you’re a victim. They transmit diseases like malaria, dengue, West Nile virus, yellow fever,  encephalitis, and Zika fever. I certainly sweat theses small things. Use insect repellant.

6.      A polyp in your colon. Polyps are small and not always serious. You need routine exams and a biopsy to find them and check them out. They might be serious.

7.      Termites. They’re small bug that not only bug you, but they eat wood. They could destroy your house. Sweat it. Get a terminator.
​
8.      Tumors. They start out as small stuff and that’s the best time to have them removed. If you wait, they could be come large enough to kill you. Sweat it.
 
I’m not trying to be an alarmist, but there is some small stuff that needs to be sweated.

​Chris turned off his vibrating cellphone. He had allowed himself a couple of hours of sleep by putting his cellphone on vibrate and holding it in his hand. His eyes adjusted to the darkness. All his senses were alert now: listening, watching, smelling and feeling for the slightest indication that he was not alone. The house was silent.

​All the occupants were probably asleep by now. Chris sat up and adjusted his ski mask and checked his trench knife. The first phase of his mission was completed without incident. Slowly, quietly, Chris stood and pressed his body up against the wall. The door to the hallway was only a few feet away. He reached the door and peeked around the door frame and down the hall. It was empty.

Slipping down to all fours, Chris used the alligator crawl technique to move down the hallway. It was a moonless night, so he didn’t need to worry about illumination coming from outside. From the kitchen door, he peered inside. No one was there. Using the Alabama high-stepper technique to avoid trip wires and obstacles, he entered the kitchen. He held his breath for nearly a minute as he listened for any unusual noise. There was none. The target was there on the counter top. In one smooth motion, he removed his trench knife and slid over to his target.

Suddenly, the kitchen light came on and a voice from the doorway asked, “Chris, what the hell are you doing?”

Chris froze. “I, I, I just wanted a piece of cake.”

His wife put her hands on her hips. “You’re a diabetic. Cake will raise your blood sugar. Besides, the doctor said you must lose weight. Now put that knife down before you hurt yourself and take off that ski mask. You look ridiculous. Come back to bed.

Rats, ambushed. Abort mission, Chris thought. Tomorrow is another night.

The End