​You don’t really know yourself until you must share yourself with a significant other. Then you learn the truth about you.

1. I’m not affectionate—My wife says I’m not very affectionate. Apparently, there’s a difference between be affectionate and being horny. Who knew?
2. I don’t listen—My wife says I don’t listen to her, or something such nonsense like that.
3. I have anger management issues— This one isn’t true. I don’t have anger management issues. I just have a low tolerance for idiots.
4. I’m a slob—No one knows they’re a slob until they get married. I thought I was a free spirit.
5. I look at other women--I reminded my wife that’s how I found her. I reassured her I would never sleep with another woman; not a wink.
6. I mumble—My wife says I mumble. I think her hearing is going, but I dare not say anything. She would accuse me of mumbling.
7. I have a unique sense of humor. I discovered this when I would laugh at somethings and my wife would not.
8. I’m too aggressive AND too defensive. Apparently, there’s a very narrow zone between being too aggressive and being too defensive. I need to learn how to occupy that space.
9. I’m self-centered. This is another thing I discovered after I got married. As single person, I only worried about myself.
10. I’m not as smart, as good looking, as funny, or as sexy as I think I am. That’s odd because those are the very traits that my wife found attractive when we dated.

What did you discover about yourself after you got married?

There were at least 16 separate security breaches of retailers in 2018. Data breaches are on the rise for both retailers and other businesses. The list includes Macy's, Bloomingdales, Adidas, Sears, Kmart, Delta Airlines, Best Buy, Saks Fifth Ave., Lord & Taylor, Under Armour, Panera Bread, Whole Foods, Arby’s, and the list goes on. In 2020 we’ll see more of the same. Now might be a good time to resolve to make yourself unhackable in 2020. (Okay, unhackable isn’t a word but you know what I mean.) Thieves steal information and use it to charge thousands of dollars on credit cards. I worried about that until I discovered how to become 100% unhackable. Just follow my simple steps and you too will be unhackable:
 1. Stop using computers. I know you're thinking, Duh! Of course. Me too. It's so obvious. If you don't use a computer, you can't be hacked. Years ago, old computers and monitors were used as boat anchors. Now days they are too small for that. Here's an idea – laptops make good serving trays. Why do you need a computer? You can get the news from the TV. You can write to your contacts. You can still use the land line. If you need a document, get out the pen and paper. Need more than one copy? Use carbon paper. (you younger folks can mail {no e-mail please} me and I'll explain what carbon paper is.) Don't pay your bills online, use the post office.

2. Stop using your cellphone. This was a double duh. No one can hack into your cellphone if you don't have one. If you want a selfie, use a Polaroid camera. That way your naughty pictures are safe. If you want to talk to your friends, write them a letter. You do remember how to write, don't you? If you want directions, stop and ask at a gas station or buy a map.

3. Don't throw paper in the trash. This is where thieves get some of the information they need to get credit cards in your good name. Stop it! Buy a shredder and shed your papers. If you can't afford a shredder, burn the paper in your fireplace. If you don't have fireplace, put duct tape on both sides of important documents. Trust me, it works. To be extra safe; put duct tape on your papers, shred them and then burn them in the fireplace then eat the ashes.

4. Don't use credit cards. Again, duh! No credit card–nothing to hack. Just pay cash for everything. You end up paying anyway so what the heck? Take the old credit cards and cut them up. Here's another idea–if you cut out the magnetic strip, old credit cards can be used as luggage tags. If you're good at cutting things, you can use them to make earrings.
5. Don't mail anything in your mailbox. The mailbox is another source of information for thieves. Stop mailing stuff from home or office. Take it to the post office.
6. Don't use banks. If the bank doesn't have your information, when they get hacked--and they will someday--you are still safe. You should insist that your employer pay you in cash and not by direct deposit. Put your money in a safe place like under your mattress.

7. Stop using ATMs. Thieves put special devices in ATMs to steal your credit card and banking information. If you need money, just go to the bank or borrow it from your brother-in-law. If he doesn't have the money, tell him to go to an ATM.​

Wishing you an unhackable new year.

Things that will Baffle Archaeologists in the Year 3030

According to archaeologists, recent excavations at the site of what was in ancient times, New York City have revealed that modern humans used a small handheld device to communicate with other humans Apparently, telepathy was unknown at the time. New York City was abandoned when the sea rose from climate warming and swamped most of the city rending it uninhabitable. At the time, many humans didn’t believe in global warming.

Researchers exploring the sunken city of Miami, Florida have found evidence that modern humans in the early 21st century used small cards made of plastic to trade or make purchases for goods. Many such cards have often been found buried with people, but their purpose has only recently been determined. Oddly enough, the cards have no known value. Most of the burial sites found in what used to be Florida contained the bodies of older adults. It’s believed that Florida was a community burial site until global warming raised the sea and inundated Florida.

A rare drawing of a four wheeled vehicle of some sort has been discovered on a 1,100-year-old paper poster at the site of the ancient city of Baltimore. It’s believed that humans of that period used these vehicles for transportation. Levitation and teletransportation were unknown during that period of ancient history. The drawing is very rare because most paper products molded when Baltimore sank.
​
Researchers believe that modern humans mated using a ritual known as “dating”. It’s theorized that following this ritual, the couple or couples would have sex, another ancient ritual for creating offspring. The art of designing babies in special labs was not developed until the 25th century. Modern humans stopped have sex somewhere around the 26th century, although most humans had forgone sex way before then. The matching of two people was perfected with the use of artificial intelligence sometime in the 22nd century, thus ending the ancient ritual of dating.
 
Archaeologists have determined that modern humans kept certain animals as pets. No one knows why since robot pets are better behaved and never need to be walked or cleaned up after, nor do they consume food. All animal life other than humans and insects became extinct somewhere around the 23rd century.
 
Researchers now believe that modern humans were very violent, often resulting in killing each other. This was a long-held theory that was only recently proven through excavations of ancient cities. It’s believed that violence was finally breed out of existence in the 23rd century. The last recorded war occurred sometime in the 22nd century in the Middle East. The last cyber war was in the 23rd century.
 
 Researchers have concluded that modern humans used to send their children to institutes of higher learning in order to educate them. Knowledge through drugs was in its infancy at the time. It was thought then that children and young adults could learn by attending classes and lectures. This technique is believed to have still been popular as late as the 23rd century.
 
Archaeologists have now found evidence that modern humans continued to work well into the 24th century. The need for work and money ended with the invention of the modern materializers created by artificial intelligence. Sculptures and statues depicting humans working were found underwater in the ruins of what was once Los Angeles, a city in the former state of California. Sometime around the year 2105, the western part of California broke off and submerged in the Pacific Ocean following an earthquake.
 
Scientists have agreed to refer to the period from the year 2100 to 2600 as the First Smog Age. They warn that we must remain vigilant to avoid a second Smog Age.
 
Researchers have recovered two bodies from the last remaining glacier which finally melted completely. The bodies appear to be two miners who died in route to the California Gold Rush of 1848. Previous bodies were mostly skiers or hikers.

​I read with interest an article on my news feed by Rachel Hosie (Insider Health), “The 5 best pieces of gym etiquette advice that fitness aficionados want newbies to know.” She mentioned: 1. Put your weights back when you're done.
2. Put your ego aside and don't lift too heavy.
3. Don't be intimidated.
4. No one is judging you.
5. Don't hog equipment.
 
There are, of course, more than five rules of gym. As a public service, I’ll will now post some more rules:

1. If you bring vodka disguised in a water bottle, bring enough to share.
2. Don’t drop your soap in the shower.
3. When doing reps, don’t start counting at twenty. No one’s fooled by that anymore.
4. Don’t keep looking at your cellphone while lifting. Cute kittens are okay.
5. Don’t secretly take pictures to post on social media.
6. Don’t eat beans before a heavy lifting workout.
7. Use a towel to wipe off your sweat, not your neighbor’s butt.
8. Try not to make ugly faces when lifting. If that’s your real face, then it’s okay.
9. Don’t fall asleep on a bench.
10. Don’t ask the staff if they have valet parking.

I hope these rules make your workout at the gym more fun.

​Start off the new year by resolving to get along with co-workers using these helpful tips:

1. Always use the same drug dealer as your co-workers. Using a different dealer creates suspicion.
2. If you have blackmail worthy information on your boss from the New Year’s party, negotiate a pay raise for everyone not just yourself.
3. It’s considered rude to post pictures of your co-workers on porn sites without their permission.
4. If you use the office coffee pot, be sure to lick the spoon clean after each use.
5. Do not hit on the boss or children of the boss. Set higher standards; hit on the boss’s significant other.
6. If you steal office supplies, never take the last item especially toilet paper.
7. If you play games on your office computer, try to include all your co-workers.
8. If you have sex at the office, try to include all your co-workers.
9. Remember that “casual Fridays” does not mean “clothing optional”.
10. If you’re stealing funds from the company, always pay a percentage to each co-worker.
11. Never report anything to HR with giving your co-worker a chance to pay a bribe.
12. When confronted by reporters, 20/20, the FBI, or CNN always reply, “No comment.”.
13. Never loan money to co-workers for less than 20% interest.
14. Never gossip at the worksite. That’s what social media sites  are for.

If you follow these simple guidelines you should get along with your co-workers.

I finished my list of New Year’s resolutions. Here they are:

I resolve not to have any more birthdays when I turn 75. Age 75 is the medium. Per the CDC, 5% of the population will die before they reach 40 and 50% will die before they reach 75. Of those over 75, 100% will die. Therefore, it makes good sense to stop getting older, probably at 39 but since I missed that one, I’ll go for 75.

I resolve to lose weight. I’m going to try that new fasting diet. I doubt I can skip a whole meal, so I’m just going to do a half-fast diet. Not to worry, I have a couple of back up diets like the Chinese diet. In the Chinese diet, you can eat all you want, but you get only one chop stick. My other back up diet is the one where when you put something in your mouth, if it tastes good, you spit it out.

I resolve to start exercising. My doctor said that running my mouth, jumping to conclusions, racing to the bathroom, flapping my gums, rolling my eyes and yelling at the TV aren’t enough exercise.

I resolve to be more tolerate of others. We should respect the opinions of others so matter how stupid they are.

I resolve to eat more sensibly. I have trouble reading the label, and I know that I should eat more vegetables. Vegetables are green (most of them) and good for you. Therefore, if food comes in a green can or package, it must be healthy.

I resolve to get more sleep. This will be easy. I’ll either had an extra hour to my two naps or add a third nap.

I resolve to cook more and eat in rather than eating out or ordering take out. Here’s another easy one. If it can fit it into a microwave, I can cook it.

I resolve to clean the house and keep it that way. One Mondays, I’ll dust and vacuum. On Tuesdays, I’ll clean the bathrooms. On Wednesdays, I’ll clean the kitchen and dining room. On… to hell with this.

I resolve to write my Great American Novel. This should be easy. If I write one page per day, I’ll end the year with over 300 pages, enough for a novel. The trick is not to be distracted… oh, look, there’s some cute pictures of kittens on Twitter.

I resolve to drink less coffee. I figure if I freeze the coffee, I can chew it. Does coffee cake count?

I resolve to drink less alcohol. I’ll stop drinking as soon as I discover a better way to get it down. Once again, I can freeze it and chew it.

I resolve to start mediating. I’ve tried mediation before. After five minutes, I usually fall asleep. Maybe this time it’ll stick.
​
I resolve to watch less TV. Of course, I do have a few exceptions: crime/detective shows, comedies, news, movies, documentaries, realities show, anything on the history channel, medical shows and any show after 6 PM.

Wish me luck. What New Year resolutions do you have?
​

​Working on my New Year’s Resolutions. Here’s what I’ve got so far:

1. Next year I resolve to
2. Next year I resolve to
3. Next year I resolve to
4. Next year I resolve to
5. Next year I resolve to
6. Next year I resolve to
7. Next year I resolve to
8. Next year I resolve to
9. Next year I resolve to
10. Next year I resolve to

I hope to finish in time for the new year.

​It’s flu season (once again), but this year, the flu bug is particularly vicious. Health experts say the influenza season is more severe than usual. Many more people are sick with the flu compared with the same time last year. Medical experts report that the dominant strain of influenza, H3N2, may be more resistant to treatment while the flu vaccine is less effective against it. It might be time to consider more extreme methods to avoid the flu bug. Here are my recommendations on how to avoid becoming a victim of the flu:
 

1. Avoid touching your face, particularly your eyes, nose or mouth. I know you have all heard this, but if you’re like me, as soon as someone tells you to not touch your face, you get this overwhelming urge to do so. The best way to not touch your face is to wear gloves. Latex gloves are fine, but you may want to use something better like mittens or boxing gloves (I prefer the 16 oz. gloves). A hasty solution if you don’t have gloves is to use duct tape around each hand. Be careful not to tape your hands together. Another hasty solution is to wear handcuffs. Cuff yourself with your hands behind your back. If you absolutely must touch your face, use a back scratcher.

 

1. Cover your mouth and nose when you cough or sneeze. This is another preventive method I know you already know. Don’t use your hand or you will have the virus on your hands. This is another time that the gloves come in handy. I know you’ve seen people sneeze or cough in their elbow. If you have trouble reaching your elbow, use someone else’s elbow. Coughing into your knee is better, if you can pull it off.

 

1. Wash your hands. Soap and water can only go so far. Using alcohol-based hand sanitizer is better, but you might not have that available. In a pinch, try sticking your hands in a fire or place them on the stove. If you can microwave your hands – even better. Ultraviolet light can kill the flu virus. Therefore, get plenty of sunshine or go to a sun tanning salon. Sandblasting also works.

 

1. Avoid shaking hands, hugging or kissing. If you still must touch, as in the case of significant other or family, try the popular chest bump. If that isn’t your style, then use the hip bump or the butt bump. A technique that is gaining popularity is the elbow touch—just the outer side. Avoid the Eskimos nose kiss. Whatever works.

 

1. Don’t touch anything. Flu viruses can be spread by touching contaminated surfaces and then touching the mouth or eyes. (See above about wearing gloves.) The best technique is to avoid touching anything. Wrap yourself in several layers of clothing, bubble wrap or duct tape. The best thing to do is to lock yourself in your home starting in September and don’t come out until May. Hey, bears do it.  

 

1. Avoid people, especially people who are sick. Well, duh! If you must leave home, then avoid people – all people. That will eliminate the problem of shaking hands, hugging and kissing. You must also avoid birds, swine and Russians.

 
Please stay healthy this year and get a flu shot.

​I read with interest an article on my news feed by Kate Villa, the “6 Things You Should Never Do on Your Work Computer”. Kate list these things:

• Never Save Personal Files to Your Desktop. ...
• Don't Go to Any Sites You Wouldn't Show Your Boss. ...
• Don't Have Personal Conversations Over Office Chat. ...
• Fight the Urge to Shop Online. ...
• Don't Use Your Personal Email. ...
• Don't Search for Jobs at Other Companies.

As usual when people make these lists, Kate missed the mark by a mile. Here’s my list of the additional things you never should do on your work computer. Your work computer should never be used to:

• Sext: clients might be interested in the junk your company sells, but they aren’t interested in your junk.
• Order food delivery to you at the office—unless you order enough for everyone.
• Gossip—unless it’s really juicy gossip.
• Participate in teleconferences in your underwear.
• Troll for dates.
• Setting alarms to wake you up—use a wind up alarm or your iPhone.
• Purchase drugs—use the regular office dealer.
• Watch porn—unless, of course, your company is in that industry.
• Gamble—unless, of course, the entire office participates.
• Write a tell all expose about your company. If you want to be a whistleblower, use you home computer.
• Write the next great American novel on company time.
• Connect to the hidden cameras you installed in the restrooms.
• Plagiarize from co-workers.

 
I hope this will keep you out of trouble and employed.