Monte R Anderson - Author
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      • Night Predator
      • The Clone Murders
      • Angels and Gargoyles
      • Archimedes of Syracuse: Leonardos da Vinci's Mentor
      • The Register Cliff Rapist
    • Short Stories >
      • The Tyranny of GPS
      • Ash Wednesday Storm of 1962
      • Good Neighbors
      • What God Hath Joined
    • Plays/Screenplays >
      • St. Michael & Job
      • How to Write a Screenplay for a TV Detective Show
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      • Angels and Gargoyles Screenplay
      • Archimedes of Syracuse Screenplay
  • Non-Fiction
    • Leadership for New Managers: Book Two
    • Facility Management Series: Types of Maitenance Programs
  • Stories from Elmira

#ElevatorPitch, Restroom Pitch or No Pitch?

1/30/2015

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f you have ever been #unemployed and looked for a position you know about elevator pitches. They're those 30-second speeches that you can rattle off on a second's notice anywhere, anytime. It comes in handy when you're caught off guard and aren't sure what to say when someone asks, “What do you do?” Once you write it and practice it to perfection, you can go looking for an elevator and ride up and down until a hiring manager gets in. Now you may wonder how to start a conversation when you're finally in an elevator with a hiring manager. One way to break the ice is to ask, “Did you fart?” When the hiring manager answers, start your elevator pitch. Riding up and down in elevators is a little too obvious. It's enough to make managers take the stairs. I have found you have a better chance if you hang around the restroom. When the proper manager arrives to pee, start your speech. They are a captive audience, at least for the time it takes to make your pitch.

Hiring managers get a little bored at hearing elevator speeches in elevators or restrooms so I recommend the non-elevator speech. Rewrite your pitch so it doesn't sound like a pitch. Here is an example that I used when I was seeking a position as a writer:

“Hi, my name is Monte. I'm sorry. I guess you thought I was going to give you an elevator pitch. No, I wouldn't do that. I just here here to mingle and relax. I could though. I mean, I'm a writer so I could write an elevator pitch if I wanted to. I have good presentation skills so I'm sure I could recite the pitch perfectly. After all, I have published seven e-books and I'm currently working on a novel. I find writing is a good way to utilize my masters degree and vast experience. I could even write it with others since I'm such a good team player. I won't bore you with all the details of my work history or the numerous articles I have written for magazines. Unless, of course, you're interested. Another time perhaps. Here is my card. Oh, I've attached my resume to it in case you're hiring. Bye.”

I should warn you that I never got hired. Go figure.

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#Yeti Revealed in #BostonSnowStorm.

1/29/2015

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The monster #snowstorm that buried #Boston may have blown over – pun. That may also bring an end to sightings of yetis, those snow bound white, furry phantoms or #abominablesnowman. Some were spotted in Boston and people laughed. No wonder yetis are so rare. Every time they try to come out of the closet, people laugh at them. At least one yeti was savvy enough to get an Twitter account. I guess the blizzard conditions in Boston appeared similar to those in #Nepal or #Tibet, thus encouraging the yeti to come out. Some believe that this yeti is just an average #Bigfoot or #Sasquatch dressed for winter weather. Makes sense, very fashionable.

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Numerous Ways to Use Unmanned #Drones

1/26/2015

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I just read an article on how unmanned drones could affect the American food supply. They include: herding cattle, counting fish, taking an animal's temperature, applying pesticides and finding problem spots in the fields. Apparently, the #FAA has issued permits for the use of drones in #agricultural. Of course there are many other ways to use unmanned drones. Here are a few I came up with:

1. To check out your sexy neighbor.

2. To follow your significant other to see if she/he is cheating on you.

3. To warn you when your boss is coming down the hall.

4. To get a beer out of the fridge.

5. To dogfight with other drones – always fun.

6. To walk your #dog. They need the exercise.

7. To chase squirrels out of the trees.

8. To watch for sharks.

9. To cheat at #poker.

10. For speed #dating without moving around.

I'm sure that you have your own ideas. Let's hear them.

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Heads I Win, Tails You Lose

1/24/2015

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Heads I Win, Tails You Lose




“Heads, we get married; tails, we break up.”

Judy nearly spit out a mouth full of her cosmopolitan when she laughed. If that remark came from a boyfriend, she might have been angry but coming from a total stranger, she thought it was the funniest pick-up line she had ever heard. She was sitting alone in this popular bar, and this was not the first line of the evening that she had heard, but it was intriguing. It got her attention. She turned on her bar stool toward the stranger. “What?” she shouted above the din of the bar.

In a slightly louder voice, the stranger leaned in and started to repeat his remark. “I said...”

Judy cut him off. “No, no. I heard what you said. What do you mean?”

The good-looking stranger smiled. “Well, that is where all these relationship are heading, right? You meet someone and down the road, you either break up or get married. I am just trying to save time. Heads, we get married; tails, we break up.”

“Wait! Wait!” Judy said with a grin. “If those are my only choices, I have to have a name.”

“No, that just makes breaking up that much harder. It’s easier if we don’t know each other’s name.”

“Yes, but what if it turns up heads and we get married? I have to decide if I like your name, right?”

“No. You can keep your name, if you like, or you can hyphenate the names. It’s your call.”

Judy smiled. “No deal. I have to have a first name at least.”

“Okay, my first name is Bob.”

Judy stuck out her hand. “Hello, Bob. I’m Judy. Nice to meet you.”

Bob shook Judy’s hand. “Now that that’s out of the way, let’s flip the coin.”

Judy poked a finger into Bob’s chest. “No. No. No. I have some questions first.”

“Trust me, Judy. The less we know about each other, the easier it will be to break up.”

“Look! Either I get to ask some questions or no coin toss.”

Bob thought about it for a few seconds. “Okay, we each get three questions. You first.”

Judy took a deep breath. “Question number one; do you want kids?’

Bob’s eyes lit up. “Oh, yes! I love kids. Next question.”

Judy laughed. “Question number two; where would we live?”

“Wherever you like. I’d even be willing to live near your family.”

“Well, that’s good. Now the last question; does this line get you many dates?”

Bob, laughed and shook his head. “Actually, this is the first time I have tried it.”

Judy nodded in agreement. “I thought so. Now you ask three questions.”

Bob thought for a minute. “Okay, here goes. What’s your favorite color?”

“What! Of all the important details you need to know before we get married, and the top of your list is my favorite color. Why?”

“If we do get married, I will bring you a rose every day in your favorite color.”

“Well, lucky for you, it’s red.”

“Very well. My next question is; what’s your favorite type of food?’

“Italian. Why?”

“If we get married, I will take you out for Italian every Friday.”

Judy grinned. “Sounds good. Last question?”

“My last question is; how am I doing so far?”

Judy nodded. “Actually, not too bad. Flip the coin.”

Bob flipped the coin up, but Judy intercepted it before Bob could catch it. She slapped it on the back of her other hand and removed her top hand to reveal heads. Then she picked up the coin and turned it over. “Really, Bob? A two headed coin?”

“I, I, I just wanted to increase my odds. How did you know?”

Judy smiled. “Let’s just say that this is not my first rodeo. How about we flip to see where you will take me for dinner? Heads for Italian and heads for Italian.”

Bob smiled. “Okay.”

Judy flipped the coin and caught it. Without looking at it, she slipped it into her pocket. “Italian it is.”

“Can I have my coin back?”

Judy laughed as she hooked her arm in his and headed for the door. “Don’t push your luck.”

THE END
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#Pentagon Sources Revealed

1/17/2015

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I'm sure that you all have seen news stories that quoted or referred to an unnamed “Pentagon Source.” You may have wondered who this source was and what his/her job was. Let me clarify this for you. When I worked at the Pentagon, I was surprised to discover that reporters will randomly call the Pentagon telephone numbers hoping that someone, anyone will answer the phone. No matter who answers, the reporters will fire off questions on the current situation. Here is how to identify Pentagon sources:

Pentagon Insider – Someone who works at the Pentagon.

High-level Pentagon Source – Someone who works on the fifth floor of the Pentagon. Sometimes referred to as a “Top-level” Pentagon source.

Pentagon Source – Someone who works at the Pentagon but not on the fifth floor.

Confidential Pentagon Source – Someone who works at the Pentagon but can't remember what floor he/she works on, a common malady at the Pentagon.

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Was Obama Absence from the Unity Rally a Big Deal?

1/13/2015

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A lot of buzz in the media because President Obama didn't attend the Unity March in France after terrorists killed 17 people. The White House admits that President Barack Obama or another high-level representative should have joined dozens of world leaders at the Unity Rally in Paris. Maybe now the US will get serious about terrorism. No, wait. I forgot; we killed Bin Laden. Didn't we also invade Afghanistan and Iraq? Didn't we help save Kuwait? I don't recall dozens of heads of state showing up after 9/11 when 2996 Americans were killed. Did I miss it? I'm sure that some did visit. I'm not sure it was a good idea to have all those heads of state gather in one spot where one car bomb could take them all out. Not cool. Cut the President some slack.
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The Last Chit Chat

1/11/2015

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Hello, hon. You look good. New dress?
“No, dear. It’s the same old one that I’ve had for ten years, but thanks anyway. Are you comfortable?”
Yes. The pain is gone. Is this my suit? I don’t recognize it.
“No. You didn’t have any nice suits. The funeral home provided this one for you.”
That’s nice. So who all came?
“All our children and grandchildren are here. One of your brothers made it. My sister came.”
Are you going to be okay? What will you do?
“I’ll be all right. I think I’ve move to one of those senior living apartments. The house is too much for me now.”
That’s nice. You’ll enjoy that.
“Mom, what are you doing? Everyone is here and they’re ready to start the funeral. There’s a seat for you in the first pew.”
“Oh, hi dear. I’m just having one more chit chat with your father. Once they bury him I won’t be able to talk with him.”
“You can always talk with him, mom.”
“I mean face to face. I think that’s what I’ll miss the most – just seeing his face and chit chatting.”
“He always was a handsome man. Are you okay?”
“I’ll be okay if I can just get through this day. You go ahead. I’ll just be a minute.”
“Okay. We need to start.”
“I’d better go, dear. They want to start the funeral.”
Goodbye, hon. I’ll see you on the other side. Love you.
“Save me a place. I’ll be along shortly. Love you too, dear.”
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    Picture

    Author

    Monte is the author of several  e-books on Amazon and smashwords.com


    Buy Monte's e-books:
    The Throuple Private Eye--Business is Booming.
    ​​The Throuple Private Eye--Hate Crimes
    ​
    A Head for Murder
    The Register cliff Rapist
    The Clone Murders,
    Archimedes of Syracuse: Leonardo da Vinci's Mentor,
    Leadership for New Managers: Book Two

    FREE E-BOOKS:
    Angels and Gargoyles

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