Monte R Anderson - Author
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Subtle Signs You’re Not Going to have a Good Day

1/29/2018

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1.      You check your voice mail and find a message from the Dr. Phil Show asking for a comment.
2.      You turn on the news and see two of your exes being interviewed on a national talk show.
3.      A person in a bomb suit is at your front door.
4.      Several news vans are parked on your front lawn.
5.      Your office is surrounded with crime scene tape.
6.      Your date from last night texted you that she is in quarantine and for you to call her ASAP.
7.      You find the door to the terrarium where you keep your collection of tarantulas open, and the tarantulas gone.
8.      You find a bullet hole in your front window.
9.      You find a roaring fire in your living room, but you don’t have a fire place.
10.  You look out the window and see a Coast Guard boat motoring down your street.
11.  There’s a police helicopter hovering above your house.
12.  You find a flying saucer in your back yard and two green aliens having a discussion with your dog.
13.  Your dog comes in from the back yard carrying a human foot.
14.  You watch a video on the news about a man robbing a bank wearing the coat you donated to Good Will yesterday.
15.  Your python escaped, and you can’t find it.
16.  You friend barrowed your car and returned it with blood in the trunk.
17.  You hear your name mentioned on America’s Most Wanted,
18.  Your pregnancy test comes back positive and you’re dating three guys.

Ignore these signs at your peril.

​For e-books by me, visit http://smashwords.com/profile/view/monteranderson.
Follow me on Twitter at
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Several States Seeking Split from Their Mother State

1/25/2018

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I’m sure you’ve heard that certain parts of California are trying to split off from the rest of the state. It’s unclear if this movement was inspired by events in Catalonia Spain or self-motivated. California has long been known as the Land of Fruits and Nuts and now the Fruits what to disassociate themselves from the Nuts. If successful, the new state would be named New California or the State of Confusion. What is clear is that California isn’t the only state that wants to split.

A similar movement has a long history in New York State. If you ask people from New York State where they are from, New Yorkers who don’t live in New York City will reply, “Upstate New York”. They don’t want to be associated with city folk. The city folk will reply, “New York”. Long Islanders will always answer, “Long Island” or as they would say in their native tongue, “lawn-GUY-land!”

Staten Island has long desired to be separated from New York City. It is one of the five boroughs of New York City even though it is separated from the city by New York Bay. It’s also separated from New Jersey by the Arthur Kill and the Kill Van Kull (whatever a Kill and a Kull are. Might be Klingon?). Residents there feel that they have been neglected by the city government in budget and other matters. It is sometimes called the "the forgotten borough" by inhabitants. During the 1980s, there was a movement led by a Senator to secede from NYC. In a 1993 referendum, 65% voted in favor of it, but the move was blocked in the State Assembly.

Since New York State is already divided, it makes sense to split it into three parts; New York City, Long Island and Upstate New York (or Greater New York, or simply Not New York City). Staten Island would have the option of joining NYC, Upstate New York or New Jersey.

Michigan is another divided state. There’s the Lower Peninsula and the Upper Peninsula. They’re separated by Lake Michigan on one side of the Straits of Mackinac and Lake Huron on the other side of the straits. The Upper Peninsula borders Wisconsin. The Upper folks don’t associate with the Lower folks. In fact, they probably have more in common with Canada. This is a state that is already split. It could split to form the State of Upper Michigan and Lower Michigan.

Other states exist divided. The Rocky Mountain Range divides the States of Colorado, Wyoming and Montana. Wyoming and Colorado are divided neatly in half while the Rockies claim one third of Montana. The eastern sides are part of the Great Plain which is the prairie, steppe, and grassland that lies west of the Mississippi River and east of the Rocky Mountains. The plain folks don’t want to associate with mountain folks. Since these three states exist divided already, it makes better sense to split them into two or three new states. The portions that include the Rockies would become the Rocky Mountain State (or Rocky Mountain High). The eastern sides would become the Great Plains State.
​

In terms of population, Wyoming has the least at 600,000 people (not including livestock). Montana has 1 million people, while Colorado has 5.7 million. An argument could be made to combine eastern Wyoming and Montana, letting eastern Colorado remain separate as the Stare of Colorado.

All these splits would really mess up the flag. We could have as many as 55 stars. What the hell, let’s throw in Puerto Rico and Guam for 57.
For e-books by me, visit http://smashwords.com/profile/view/monteranderson.

Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/monteranderson
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Government Offices You Never Knew Existed Until They Shut Down

1/22/2018

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Many of us are unaware of which parts of the US government are closed due to lack of funding. The government is a monstrous organization with many parts and functions. Many operate in anonymity and incomprehensibility. Here are just a few of the small departments that are recently part of the shutdown:
 
The Federal Administration of Red Tape (FART). This is a large department that creates government jobs by requiring an endless set of requirements for paperwork. With the closing of this department, all government departments will have to use streamline procedures. It is estimated that three million trees will be saved.
Officialdom of Mumbo-Jumbo in Government (OMG). This is another large department that creates official jargon to be used in government documents. This is the office that created the word “problematic’ to be used in place of “problem” and “methodology” instead of “method”. Until this department reopens, all departments will be forced to speak in plain language. Some officials will be unable to speak at all.
The Office of Flying Unknowns (TOFU). This office handles all UFO reports and has responsibility for Area 51 at Edwards Air Force Base. Until further notice, the government will not receive any reports of UFOs.
The Department of Onerous Fabrication in the US (DOOFUS). This department has the responsibility for the development of fake news and alternative facts and sending it to the POTUS. During its closure, no fake news will be created by the government or the POTUS.  Only news networks will be able to create fake news. Fox News reports to this office.
The Warehouse for Tremendous Facts (WTF). This little know entity houses all the data that is gathered by the #CIA and #NSA. Its affectionately referred to as the Home of the SS (Super Snoopers). Until further notice, the government will not gather and keep recordings of telephone calls, emails or other electronic transmissions.
The Bureau of Gerrymandering in the US (BOGUS). This secretive office is responsible for redrawing all political voting boundaries to favor the party in power. Until reopened, every state will have to have honest and open elections.
The Central Office of Censorship (COC). This office determines what words can be used by government agencies such as the CDC. Without this office, the government is self-censored (not self-centered).
The Regional Offices of Balanced Budgets, Efficiency and Restraint (ROBBER). Each region of the US has one of these offices. They come under control of the Congressional Budget Office. In reality, these offices have not been staffed for years.
The Bureau for Ludicrous Taxation (BLT). This department has the job of rewriting and revising all the tax codes to make them ambiguous, distorted and impossible to understand. Until reopened, EZ1040s will not be available. Hopefully, this open will reopen in time for tax season.
The Office for Sexual Harassment (OSH). This office is understaffed and overwhelmed. It usually has one employee. Without guidance from this office, congressmen will continue sexual harassment unabated until it reopens.
The Congressional Office for Ethical Development (COED). This is another office that hasn’t been staffed for years. Reopening the government will have little effect or no on ethics.
The Executive Management for POTUS Twitter & Yahoo (EMPTY). This is a newly created office and is grossly understaffed. Without it, President Trump can pretty much say whatever he wants on Twitter.
Bureaucratic Fact Finder (BFF). This is a newly created office that is also grossly understaffed and overwhelmed. Its jurisdiction never extended to the Office of the President. It may not reopen once the government is funded again. Apparently, not one cares what the facts are.
The Agency for Three Letter Acronyms and Sham Technology (ATLAST). This office awards three letter acronyms for various programs. Without it, there will be a proliferation of four or even five letter acronyms.
 
I hope this short list will clear up which government offices are closed.
For e-books by me, visit http://smashwords.com/profile/view/monteranderson.
Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/monteranderson
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​

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How to be a Bestselling Dead Author

1/20/2018

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I know I’ve post this before, but I love it. Here is a short story on how to become a bestselling author, How to be a Bestselling Dead Author.  
  
Joe Regan was a writer. His suicide note was not his best piece of work. It simply read, “Fair well cruel world.” Joe took all the sleeping pills and sat down in his recliner. When he opened his eyes again, he was looking into the face of his agent, Bernie Blackwell.    

Bernie smiled and brushed back Joe’s hair. “Hey.”    

“Hey. Oh, my head hurts.” Joe looked around. “Where am I?”  

“You are in St. Thomas Hospital. I found you and called 911. The doctors pumped your stomach. You’ve been in a coma for five days, man.”    

“Oh. I don’t know if I should thank you or not. I just wanted to die.”     

“I know, man. I found your note. Why did you do it?”    

Joe smiled. “You’re my agent. I think you know why. My novel has been rejected by 45 publishers and I haven’t earned a dime in three years.”    

​Bernie chuckled. “It’s 47 publishers now. I didn’t get a chance to tell you about the last two. However, while you were in a coma, I’ve been busy. I posted your suicide note on a few key social media websites and wrote what a tragedy it was since your novel’s so great.”    

“My suicide note? I didn’t say much in my note.”    

Bernie smiled. “Yeah, well, I sort of rewrote it. I also went ahead and published the e-book version of your novel. It’s going viral. We sold over 10,000 copies in four days. We now have offers from three publishers. I think if you had died, your novel would make the best sellers’ list.”   

“Lucky me! I have to nearly kill myself for my novel to sell.”    

“Joe, what do you expect? You wrote a romance novel about gay pygmies living in San Francisco-not a great genre. Anyway, since you really don’t want to live, would you consider killing yourself? It would mean a lot to me. I could help.”    

“What! My novel is finally published, and you want me to kill myself? Are you crazy?”    

Bernie shrugged his shoulders. “No big deal. Come on, get up. I brought a wheelchair. I’m taking you out of here.” He handed Joe a glass of water and some pills. “Here, take these.”    

Joe took the pills with the water. With Bernie’s help, he got into the wheelchair. Bernie wheeled Joe out of ICU and headed for the elevators. Bernie pushed the up-call button for the elevator.    

“Where are you taking me?”    

“Don’t worry about it. I am taking you to the tenth floor. The second elevator is out of service. I should be able to open the doors there.”    

“Bernie, I don’t feel so good. What were those pills?”    

” Sleeping pills.”

“I took four. Am I supposed to take that many?”    

“No, man. You’re supposed to take only one every 12 hours.”    

“Won’t that kill me?”    

“No. It’ll make you comatose. In your condition, you won’t notice that the elevator’s not there. The fall from the tenth floor will kill you.”    

“But Bernie, I don’t want to die any more. I want to live.”    

“Listen, man. I’m telling you. If you die, we’ll make the best sellers’ list. We’ll be able to negotiate a big contract. We’ll attract more talented writers.”    

“We? I’ll be dead.”    

The elevator arrived, and Bernie pushed the wheelchair inside and pushed the tenth-floor button.    
“Well, yeah,” said Bernie. “Quit thinking about yourself for once. Did you even consider me? This is my big break. When I post your next suicide note, I’ll sell a million copies of your novel. Plus, I am sure I can get a six-figure advance for your next novel.”    

“My next novel? I never wrote a second novel.”

“It will be found among your things after your death.”    

“Bernie, don’t do this. I don’t want to die.”    

“Quit being selfish! Close your eyes now and rest. It’ll all be over in a few minutes. You are going to be a bestselling author. Congratulations.”

​For e-books by me, visit http://smashwords.com/profile/view/monteranderson.
Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/monteranderson
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More Subtle Signs You No Longer Find Him (or Her) Attractive

1/15/2018

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I read with interest an article on my newsfeed, “12 Unmistakable Signs You No Longer Find Him Attractive” from Astrofame (Lifestyle)​.
The article listed things like sex, attraction, no date night, small things bother you more, you look at other guys, you don’t think about him, you’re no longer jealous and you’re overly critical. As usual with itemized lists, several reasons were omitted (editorial license?). As a public service, I now provide more subtle signs you are no longer attracted to him/her:

1.      You don’t cook meth for him/her any more. This is a deal breaker folks.
2.      You don’t provide an alibi when questioned by the police. Another deal breaker.
3.      You can’t remember his/her safe word.
4.      You want to run off with his/her best friend.
5.      You unfriend him/her on Face Book.
6.      You open a separate bank account and won’t share the information.
7.      You don’t remember his/her first name.
8.      You don’t pimp for him/her anymore.
9.      You don’t wear his/her underwear anymore.
10.  You have a restraining order against him/her.

There may be more reasons you aren't attracted to your SO any more, but this will get you started.
​

For e-books by me, visit http://smashwords.com/profile/view/monteranderson.
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More Reasons You’re Gaining Back the Weight You Lost

1/12/2018

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I read with interest an article by Alisa Hrustic, “6 Reasons You're Gaining Back All the Weight You Lost”. It was in my news feed and written for Men’s Health. The article listed: not prioritizing muscle, eating more than you realize, skipping breakfast, not sleeping enough, friends and family who are bad influences and you’re too hard on yourself. As usual with itemized listed, several reasons were omitted (editorial license?). As a public service, I will now provide more reasons you’re gaining back the weight you lost:
 
1.      Your scale lies. All weight scales are notorious liars. I know this has happened to you; you weigh yourself at home just before a doctor appointment, but when they weigh you at the doctor’s office, you automagically gained five to ten pounds. Someone is lying. Some scales are spring scales. They measure weight by balancing the force against the force on a spring. Well duh! Springs get old, they wear out. Balance beam scales compare your weight against a known mass. Well Duh, again! Scales need to be calibrated and adjusted periodically. Most scales are just habitual lairs.   
2.      Your significant other is sabotaging you. You may be in a relationship where your significant other is also trying to keep weight off. In some cases, your significant other may get upset when you lose weight faster or they gain weight faster. They may encourage you to eat more or to eat the wrong food. They might even go so far as to put their toe on the scale when you weigh yourself. They might even adjust the scales to show a greater weight gain. Do not trust your significant other. They could be the reason you’re gaining weight.
3.      Your eyesight is failing. You’re not gain weight; your eyesight is just failing. You can’t read the numbers on the scale. Numbers like 4 and 9 are often confused. The same for 1 and 7. Always use the lower number.
4.      You’re eating the wrong food. Eating a microwaved meal like Lean Cuisine, Weight Watchers or Amy’s. However, you can’t eat more than one at a time. You also must stop adding chocolate on every dish.
5.      You’re using the wrong diet. The best diet is the Chinese diet. You can eat all you want, but you get only one chop stick. Another good diet is the one where when you put something in your mouth, if it tastes good, you spit it out. Don’t forget, you can make any dish a diet meal by removing the things you like and replacing them with kale.
6.      You’re sleep eating. This is more common than you think. You might be walking in your sleep, going to the kitchen and eating. In the morning you have no memory of eating.
7.      Gravity has changed in your area or you recently move to a new location. We often assumed that gravity is the same everywhere. Not true because the earth is not perfectly round or uniformly dense. Gravity is weaker at the equator due to centrifugal forces produced by the planet's rotation and at higher altitudes further from Earth's center such as at the summit of mountains. Perhaps your problem is gravity not weight gain.
8.      You’re using the wrong unit of measure. Most people use pounds as a unit of measure One-pound equals one pound. However, the “stone” is still used in the UK and Ireland. Much of Europe use the metric system. Which sounds better; 158 pounds, 72 kilograms or 11 stones 4 pounds? Switch to a different unit of measurement.
9.      You’re growing taller. Your problem may be that you’ve grown taller and that’s why you weigh more. Get out the tape measure to verify.
10.  You care too much. So, you gained some weight back. Who gives a crap? Get over it. Move on.
​For e-books by me, visit http://smashwords.com/profile/view/monteranderson.
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Extreme and Impractical Ways to Avoid the Flu Bug

1/8/2018

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It’s flu season (once again), but this year, the flu bug is particularly vicious. Health experts say the influenza season is more severe than usual. Many more people are sick with the flu compared with the same time last year. Medical experts report that the dominant strain of influenza, H3N2, may be more resistant to treatment while the flu vaccine is less effective against it. It might be time to consider more extreme methods to avoid the flu bug. Here are my recommendations on how to avoid becoming a victim of the flu:

1.      Avoid touching your face, particularly your eyes, nose or mouth. I know you have all heard this, but if you’re like me, as soon as someone tells you to not touch your face, you get this overwhelming urge to do so. The best way to not touch your face is to wear gloves. Latex gloves are fine, but you may want to use something better like mittens or boxing gloves (I prefer the 16 oz. gloves). A hasty solution if you don’t have gloves is to use duct tape around each hand. Be careful not to tape your hands together. Another hasty solution is to wear handcuffs. Cuff yourself with your hands behind your back. If you absolutely must touch your face, use a back scratcher.

2.     
Cover your mouth and nose when you cough or sneeze. This is another preventive method I know you already know. Don’t use your hand or you will have the virus on your hands. This is another time that the gloves come in handy. I know you’ve seen people sneeze or cough in their elbow. If you have trouble reaching your elbow, use someone else’s elbow. Coughing into your knee is better, if you can pull it off.


3.     
Wash your hands. Soap and water can only go so far. Using alcohol-based hand sanitizer is better, but you might not have that available. In a pitch, try sticking your hands in a fire or place them on the stove. If you can microwave your hands – even better. Ultraviolet light can kill the flu virus. Therefore, get plenty of sunshine or go to a sun tanning salon. Sand blasting also works.


4.     
Avoid shaking hands, hugging or kissing. If you still must touch, as in the case of significant other or family, try the popular chest bump. If that isn’t your style, then use the hip bump or the butt bump. A technique that is gaining popularity is the elbow touch. (avoid the Eskimos nose kiss) Whatever works.

5.     
Don’t touch anything. Flu viruses can be spread by touching contaminated surfaces and then touching the mouth or eyes. (See above about wearing gloves.) The best technique is to avoid touching anything. Wrap yourself in several layers of clothing, bubble wrap or duct tape. The best thing to do is to lock yourself in your home starting in September and don’t come out until May. Hey, bears do it.  


6.     
Avoid people, especially people who are sick. Well, duh! If you must leave home, then avoid people – all people. That will eliminate the problem of shaking hands, hugging and kissing. You must also avoid birds, swine and Russians.


Please stay healthy this year and get a flu shot.


​For e-books by me, visit
http://smashwords.com/profile/view/monteranderson.
Follow me on Twitter at
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Crime is on the Rise

1/5/2018

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I read with interest an item in our local paper about a driver who was stopped by the police for not wearing a seat belt. In his glove compartment the police found a unloaded pistol. It was registered to the driver. Apparently, he argued with the police, because these are the charges:

1.      Failure to wear a seat belt while driving – first degree.
2.      Failure to wear a seat belt while driving – second degree.
3.      Failure to wear a seat belt while driving – third degree.
4.      Concealing a weapon without a permit to carry a concealed weapon. (It was in his glove compartment.)
5.      Failure to properly secure a concealed weapon. (The glove compartment wasn’t locked.)
6.      Failure to properly notify police of concealed weapon in a car when stopped for not wearing a seat belt.
7.      Failure to fully cooperate with police while they conducted an illegal search of automobile.
8.      Making non-verbal faces at police during illegal search of automobile.
9.      Failure to not memorize the serial number of a concealed weapon.
10.  Failure to have committed a more serious crime worth citing.
​

​Remember to always cooperate with law enforcement officers.

For e-books by me, visit http://smashwords.com/profile/view/monteranderson.
Follow me on Twitter at
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More Ways Americans Waste Money

1/1/2018

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I read with interest an article on my newsfeed written by Lia Sestric, “6 Really Dumb Ways Americans Waste Money.” She mentioned overspending on education, purchasing expensive diapers, buying unnecessary baby stuff, betting on lottery tickets, failing to shop for bargains, and insisting on lavish weddings. In my opinion, she wasn’t even close. Here is my list of more ways people waste money:
 
1.      Sending money to someone in Nigeria who claims you inherited a large sum of money. This is a scam, folks.
2.      Using your savings to invest in your brother or brother-in-law’s stupid ideas. In the case of the brother-in-law, you can’t stand the guy anyway, but you married his sister. Your brother or sister is a different issue. This is a tough one. Never lend money to family -- period. Good luck with this.
3.      Enrolling in Trump University. I’m sure you thought this was a god deal. It’s overpriced folks. Go to the local community college.
4.      Buying swamp land that might be drained. You don’t see this one much anymore. Here’s a hint; if you can’t see it, don’t buy it.
5.      Spending a lot of money to buy a map to the Lost Dutchman's Gold Mine. Think About it; so many maps to the mine have been sold that someone must have found the gold by now.
6.      Spending money to claim a prize someone says you won even though you never entered a contest. Another scam, folks.
7.      Spending a lot of money on drugs (prescription drugs, over the counter drugs, under the counter drugs, meth, pot, cocaine, heroin, coffee, alcohol, cigarettes, candy, sugar and liquorish). Enough said.
8.      Buying bottled water. Tap water is just as good, and it has fluoride for your teeth. The bottles are made of plastic which comes from oil – bad for the landfill and the environment. Just drink tap water and save. You can reuse the old water bottles and fool your snobbish friends.
9.      Paying too much for sex. Sex should be free. If you must pay for it, you’re wasting money. Now, “good” sex is something else. That’s going to cost you.
10.  Spending too much on pets. Pets shouldn’t cost anything. If you have a dog or cat, yes, it’s expensive. Pets should be free. Forget dogs or cats; cockroaches make great pets and they don’t eat much. They never bark.
 
I hope this helps everyone to cut expenses.
 
For e-books by me, visit http://smashwords.com/profile/view/monteranderson.
Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/monteranderson
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    Author

    Monte is the author of several  e-books on Amazon and smashwords.com


    Buy Monte's e-books:
    The Throuple Private Eye--Business is Booming.
    ​​The Throuple Private Eye--Hate Crimes
    ​
    A Head for Murder
    The Register cliff Rapist
    The Clone Murders,
    Archimedes of Syracuse: Leonardo da Vinci's Mentor,
    Leadership for New Managers: Book Two

    FREE E-BOOKS:
    Angels and Gargoyles

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