1.      You check your voice mail and find a message from the Dr. Phil Show asking for a comment.
2.      You turn on the news and see two of your exes being interviewed on a national talk show.
3.      A person in a bomb suit is at your front door.
4.      Several news vans are parked on your front lawn.
5.      Your office is surrounded with crime scene tape.
6.      Your date from last night texted you that she is in quarantine and for you to call her ASAP.
7.      You find the door to the terrarium where you keep your collection of tarantulas open, and the tarantulas gone.
8.      You find a bullet hole in your front window.
9.      You find a roaring fire in your living room, but you don’t have a fire place.
10.  You look out the window and see a Coast Guard boat motoring down your street.
11.  There’s a police helicopter hovering above your house.
12.  You find a flying saucer in your back yard and two green aliens having a discussion with your dog.
13.  Your dog comes in from the back yard carrying a human foot.
14.  You watch a video on the news about a man robbing a bank wearing the coat you donated to Good Will yesterday.
15.  Your python escaped, and you can’t find it.
16.  You friend barrowed your car and returned it with blood in the trunk.
17.  You hear your name mentioned on America’s Most Wanted,
18.  Your pregnancy test comes back positive and you’re dating three guys.

Ignore these signs at your peril.

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Many of us are unaware of which parts of the US government are closed due to lack of funding. The government is a monstrous organization with many parts and functions. Many operate in anonymity and incomprehensibility. Here are just a few of the small departments that are recently part of the shutdown:
 
The Federal Administration of Red Tape (FART). This is a large department that creates government jobs by requiring an endless set of requirements for paperwork. With the closing of this department, all government departments will have to use streamline procedures. It is estimated that three million trees will be saved.
Officialdom of Mumbo-Jumbo in Government (OMG). This is another large department that creates official jargon to be used in government documents. This is the office that created the word “problematic’ to be used in place of “problem” and “methodology” instead of “method”. Until this department reopens, all departments will be forced to speak in plain language. Some officials will be unable to speak at all.
The Office of Flying Unknowns (TOFU). This office handles all UFO reports and has responsibility for Area 51 at Edwards Air Force Base. Until further notice, the government will not receive any reports of UFOs.
The Department of Onerous Fabrication in the US (DOOFUS). This department has the responsibility for the development of fake news and alternative facts and sending it to the POTUS. During its closure, no fake news will be created by the government or the POTUS.  Only news networks will be able to create fake news. Fox News reports to this office.
The Warehouse for Tremendous Facts (WTF). This little know entity houses all the data that is gathered by the #CIA and #NSA. Its affectionately referred to as the Home of the SS (Super Snoopers). Until further notice, the government will not gather and keep recordings of telephone calls, emails or other electronic transmissions.
The Bureau of Gerrymandering in the US (BOGUS). This secretive office is responsible for redrawing all political voting boundaries to favor the party in power. Until reopened, every state will have to have honest and open elections.
The Central Office of Censorship (COC). This office determines what words can be used by government agencies such as the CDC. Without this office, the government is self-censored (not self-centered).
The Regional Offices of Balanced Budgets, Efficiency and Restraint (ROBBER). Each region of the US has one of these offices. They come under control of the Congressional Budget Office. In reality, these offices have not been staffed for years.
The Bureau for Ludicrous Taxation (BLT). This department has the job of rewriting and revising all the tax codes to make them ambiguous, distorted and impossible to understand. Until reopened, EZ1040s will not be available. Hopefully, this open will reopen in time for tax season.
The Office for Sexual Harassment (OSH). This office is understaffed and overwhelmed. It usually has one employee. Without guidance from this office, congressmen will continue sexual harassment unabated until it reopens.
The Congressional Office for Ethical Development (COED). This is another office that hasn’t been staffed for years. Reopening the government will have little effect or no on ethics.
The Executive Management for POTUS Twitter & Yahoo (EMPTY). This is a newly created office and is grossly understaffed. Without it, President Trump can pretty much say whatever he wants on Twitter.
Bureaucratic Fact Finder (BFF). This is a newly created office that is also grossly understaffed and overwhelmed. Its jurisdiction never extended to the Office of the President. It may not reopen once the government is funded again. Apparently, not one cares what the facts are.
The Agency for Three Letter Acronyms and Sham Technology (ATLAST). This office awards three letter acronyms for various programs. Without it, there will be a proliferation of four or even five letter acronyms.
 
I hope this short list will clear up which government offices are closed.
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​

I know I’ve post this before, but I love it. Here is a short story on how to become a bestselling author, How to be a Bestselling Dead Author.  
  
Joe Regan was a writer. His suicide note was not his best piece of work. It simply read, “Fair well cruel world.” Joe took all the sleeping pills and sat down in his recliner. When he opened his eyes again, he was looking into the face of his agent, Bernie Blackwell.    

Bernie smiled and brushed back Joe’s hair. “Hey.”    

“Hey. Oh, my head hurts.” Joe looked around. “Where am I?”  

“You are in St. Thomas Hospital. I found you and called 911. The doctors pumped your stomach. You’ve been in a coma for five days, man.”    

“Oh. I don’t know if I should thank you or not. I just wanted to die.”     

“I know, man. I found your note. Why did you do it?”    

Joe smiled. “You’re my agent. I think you know why. My novel has been rejected by 45 publishers and I haven’t earned a dime in three years.”    

​Bernie chuckled. “It’s 47 publishers now. I didn’t get a chance to tell you about the last two. However, while you were in a coma, I’ve been busy. I posted your suicide note on a few key social media websites and wrote what a tragedy it was since your novel’s so great.”    

“My suicide note? I didn’t say much in my note.”    

Bernie smiled. “Yeah, well, I sort of rewrote it. I also went ahead and published the e-book version of your novel. It’s going viral. We sold over 10,000 copies in four days. We now have offers from three publishers. I think if you had died, your novel would make the best sellers’ list.”   

“Lucky me! I have to nearly kill myself for my novel to sell.”    

“Joe, what do you expect? You wrote a romance novel about gay pygmies living in San Francisco-not a great genre. Anyway, since you really don’t want to live, would you consider killing yourself? It would mean a lot to me. I could help.”    

“What! My novel is finally published, and you want me to kill myself? Are you crazy?”    

Bernie shrugged his shoulders. “No big deal. Come on, get up. I brought a wheelchair. I’m taking you out of here.” He handed Joe a glass of water and some pills. “Here, take these.”    

Joe took the pills with the water. With Bernie’s help, he got into the wheelchair. Bernie wheeled Joe out of ICU and headed for the elevators. Bernie pushed the up-call button for the elevator.    

“Where are you taking me?”    

“Don’t worry about it. I am taking you to the tenth floor. The second elevator is out of service. I should be able to open the doors there.”    

“Bernie, I don’t feel so good. What were those pills?”    

” Sleeping pills.”

“I took four. Am I supposed to take that many?”    

“No, man. You’re supposed to take only one every 12 hours.”    

“Won’t that kill me?”    

“No. It’ll make you comatose. In your condition, you won’t notice that the elevator’s not there. The fall from the tenth floor will kill you.”    

“But Bernie, I don’t want to die any more. I want to live.”    

“Listen, man. I’m telling you. If you die, we’ll make the best sellers’ list. We’ll be able to negotiate a big contract. We’ll attract more talented writers.”    

“We? I’ll be dead.”    

The elevator arrived, and Bernie pushed the wheelchair inside and pushed the tenth-floor button.    
“Well, yeah,” said Bernie. “Quit thinking about yourself for once. Did you even consider me? This is my big break. When I post your next suicide note, I’ll sell a million copies of your novel. Plus, I am sure I can get a six-figure advance for your next novel.”    

“My next novel? I never wrote a second novel.”

“It will be found among your things after your death.”    

“Bernie, don’t do this. I don’t want to die.”    

“Quit being selfish! Close your eyes now and rest. It’ll all be over in a few minutes. You are going to be a bestselling author. Congratulations.”

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I read with interest an article on my newsfeed, “12 Unmistakable Signs You No Longer Find Him Attractive” from Astrofame (Lifestyle)​.
The article listed things like sex, attraction, no date night, small things bother you more, you look at other guys, you don’t think about him, you’re no longer jealous and you’re overly critical. As usual with itemized lists, several reasons were omitted (editorial license?). As a public service, I now provide more subtle signs you are no longer attracted to him/her:

1.      You don’t cook meth for him/her any more. This is a deal breaker folks.
2.      You don’t provide an alibi when questioned by the police. Another deal breaker.
3.      You can’t remember his/her safe word.
4.      You want to run off with his/her best friend.
5.      You unfriend him/her on Face Book.
6.      You open a separate bank account and won’t share the information.
7.      You don’t remember his/her first name.
8.      You don’t pimp for him/her anymore.
9.      You don’t wear his/her underwear anymore.
10.  You have a restraining order against him/her.

There may be more reasons you aren't attracted to your SO any more, but this will get you started.
​
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I read with interest an article by Alisa Hrustic, “6 Reasons You're Gaining Back All the Weight You Lost”. It was in my news feed and written for Men’s Health. The article listed: not prioritizing muscle, eating more than you realize, skipping breakfast, not sleeping enough, friends and family who are bad influences and you’re too hard on yourself. As usual with itemized listed, several reasons were omitted (editorial license?). As a public service, I will now provide more reasons you’re gaining back the weight you lost:
 
1.      Your scale lies. All weight scales are notorious liars. I know this has happened to you; you weigh yourself at home just before a doctor appointment, but when they weigh you at the doctor’s office, you automagically gained five to ten pounds. Someone is lying. Some scales are spring scales. They measure weight by balancing the force against the force on a spring. Well duh! Springs get old, they wear out. Balance beam scales compare your weight against a known mass. Well Duh, again! Scales need to be calibrated and adjusted periodically. Most scales are just habitual lairs.   
2.      Your significant other is sabotaging you. You may be in a relationship where your significant other is also trying to keep weight off. In some cases, your significant other may get upset when you lose weight faster or they gain weight faster. They may encourage you to eat more or to eat the wrong food. They might even go so far as to put their toe on the scale when you weigh yourself. They might even adjust the scales to show a greater weight gain. Do not trust your significant other. They could be the reason you’re gaining weight.
3.      Your eyesight is failing. You’re not gain weight; your eyesight is just failing. You can’t read the numbers on the scale. Numbers like 4 and 9 are often confused. The same for 1 and 7. Always use the lower number.
4.      You’re eating the wrong food. Eating a microwaved meal like Lean Cuisine, Weight Watchers or Amy’s. However, you can’t eat more than one at a time. You also must stop adding chocolate on every dish.
5.      You’re using the wrong diet. The best diet is the Chinese diet. You can eat all you want, but you get only one chop stick. Another good diet is the one where when you put something in your mouth, if it tastes good, you spit it out. Don’t forget, you can make any dish a diet meal by removing the things you like and replacing them with kale.
6.      You’re sleep eating. This is more common than you think. You might be walking in your sleep, going to the kitchen and eating. In the morning you have no memory of eating.
7.      Gravity has changed in your area or you recently move to a new location. We often assumed that gravity is the same everywhere. Not true because the earth is not perfectly round or uniformly dense. Gravity is weaker at the equator due to centrifugal forces produced by the planet's rotation and at higher altitudes further from Earth's center such as at the summit of mountains. Perhaps your problem is gravity not weight gain.
8.      You’re using the wrong unit of measure. Most people use pounds as a unit of measure One-pound equals one pound. However, the “stone” is still used in the UK and Ireland. Much of Europe use the metric system. Which sounds better; 158 pounds, 72 kilograms or 11 stones 4 pounds? Switch to a different unit of measurement.
9.      You’re growing taller. Your problem may be that you’ve grown taller and that’s why you weigh more. Get out the tape measure to verify.
10.  You care too much. So, you gained some weight back. Who gives a crap? Get over it. Move on.
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I read with interest an item in our local paper about a driver who was stopped by the police for not wearing a seat belt. In his glove compartment the police found a unloaded pistol. It was registered to the driver. Apparently, he argued with the police, because these are the charges:
1.      Failure to wear a seat belt while driving – first degree.
2.      Failure to wear a seat belt while driving – second degree.
3.      Failure to wear a seat belt while driving – third degree.
4.      Concealing a weapon without a permit to carry a concealed weapon. (It was in his glove compartment.)
5.      Failure to properly secure a concealed weapon. (The glove compartment wasn’t locked.)
6.      Failure to properly notify police of concealed weapon in a car when stopped for not wearing a seat belt.
7.      Failure to fully cooperate with police while they conducted an illegal search of automobile.
8.      Making non-verbal faces at police during illegal search of automobile.
9.      Failure to not memorize the serial number of a concealed weapon.
10.  Failure to have committed a more serious crime worth citing.
​
​Remember to always cooperate with law enforcement officers.

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I read with interest an article on my newsfeed written by Lia Sestric, “6 Really Dumb Ways Americans Waste Money.” She mentioned overspending on education, purchasing expensive diapers, buying unnecessary baby stuff, betting on lottery tickets, failing to shop for bargains, and insisting on lavish weddings. In my opinion, she wasn’t even close. Here is my list of more ways people waste money:
 
1.      Sending money to someone in Nigeria who claims you inherited a large sum of money. This is a scam, folks.
2.      Using your savings to invest in your brother or brother-in-law’s stupid ideas. In the case of the brother-in-law, you can’t stand the guy anyway, but you married his sister. Your brother or sister is a different issue. This is a tough one. Never lend money to family -- period. Good luck with this.
3.      Enrolling in Trump University. I’m sure you thought this was a god deal. It’s overpriced folks. Go to the local community college.
4.      Buying swamp land that might be drained. You don’t see this one much anymore. Here’s a hint; if you can’t see it, don’t buy it.
5.      Spending a lot of money to buy a map to the Lost Dutchman's Gold Mine. Think About it; so many maps to the mine have been sold that someone must have found the gold by now.
6.      Spending money to claim a prize someone says you won even though you never entered a contest. Another scam, folks.
7.      Spending a lot of money on drugs (prescription drugs, over the counter drugs, under the counter drugs, meth, pot, cocaine, heroin, coffee, alcohol, cigarettes, candy, sugar and liquorish). Enough said.
8.      Buying bottled water. Tap water is just as good, and it has fluoride for your teeth. The bottles are made of plastic which comes from oil – bad for the landfill and the environment. Just drink tap water and save. You can reuse the old water bottles and fool your snobbish friends.
9.      Paying too much for sex. Sex should be free. If you must pay for it, you’re wasting money. Now, “good” sex is something else. That’s going to cost you.
10.  Spending too much on pets. Pets shouldn’t cost anything. If you have a dog or cat, yes, it’s expensive. Pets should be free. Forget dogs or cats; cockroaches make great pets and they don’t eat much. They never bark.
 
I hope this helps everyone to cut expenses.
 
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