This is not mine, but I thought it was so funny that I had to pass it along. I got it in an e-mail.  Enjoy!

THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT HERE IN OUR OWN COUNTRY!
We Must  Stop This Immediately! 

Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper? Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become! 

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up, they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they are red in the face! What do they think I am a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she did not even recognize me.

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection. Well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be! 
 
Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You are risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the street in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices? The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank. Do they think I actually 'believe' the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just whom do these people think they are fooling? 

I would like to call up someone in authority to report what is going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they have printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!

All I can do is pass along this warning: WE ARE UNDER ATTACK! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities. 

PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS
CONSPIRACY STOPPED!
(I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has happened to my computer's fonts - they are smaller than they used to be.)


 

I just returned from having my cochlear implant programed. I am  now hearing better. I still have much to learn about it. I can now hear when I  leave my turn signal on. There was a collective cheer from the drivers in Elmira, NY when I heard that. I was thinking about not telling my family so I
can hear what they have been saying about me, but I am not sure I want to go through the hassle of changing my will every week.

I still have to get some more adjustments over the next three months. I am not sure if the VA will
let me have the other ear done. I need to find out if I will be able to hear on the telephone before I decide to continue to work. On the one hand, I would like to stay retired and focus on my writing, but on the other hand, I would like to
pay my bills. (I used to say; on the other hand, she wore a glove.)

I am
still working on my book about leadership. There are so many studies on
  leadership that it is hard to believe we have so many poor leaders in this
  country. I guess that our leaders do not read the books on leadership and the
  writers of those books do not become leaders.

I have a story to tell. It burns inside my blood like acid trying to get out of every pour of my body. My brain boils when I think about it. It consumes me. It keeps me tossing and turning at night. It haunts my waking moments. But I am a newbie and I know it. I have a lot to learn about being a writer. So I decided to learn as much as I can about my new profession and to do so as quickly as I
can.

First, I scribed to Writers’ Digest and The Writer magazines. I read every issue, cover to cover; even the poetry. I read an article about the 101 best websites for writers. I checked out each one. If it had a newsletter, I signed up. If it had a blog, I subscribed to it. If it was on twitter, I followed it. I followed the treads of conversation and wrote witty and creative comments. Then I read an article about the 10 best blogs for writers. I registered for all of them and read every issue.

The magazines recommended the Master of Fine Arts for writing program. It sounded good and I could even take the courses online so I started. It was so much fun, that I started a second one. The magazines also recommended that I write everyday regardless of how much time I had. I needed prompts so I signed up for a couple of websites that provide writing prompts every day. I write something on each prompt. I started this website where I can post my own stories once I write them. I even started this blog for my followers if I ever get any. Meanwhile, I follow every author that I can on Twitter, Linked In, and Face Book.

I find that I no longer have time to write the story that was burning in my soul but it does not matter, because I forgot what I wanted to write.