Blog Archives - Monte R Anderson - Author

Proposed apology for Ted Nugent

2/27/2014

Subhuman?

You have all heard by now that rocker #Ted Nugent insulted the President when he called him “a “subhuman mongrel.” As you would predict, subhumans everywhere were outraged as well as mongrels and the owners of mongrels. He has publicly apologized, more or less, saying, in an interview, "I do apologize - not necessarily to the President - but on behalf of much better men than myself..."

He apparently has a problem with apologies. Therefore, I have written one for him. I hope he uses it.

“I would like to apologize for insulting #President Obama by calling him subhuman and a mongrel. I regret not choosing my words more carefully. I did not intent to slur any subhuman. Sucks, many members of my own family are subhuman. I believe one or more of my parents have subhuman blood. The same goes for mongrels. I actually have owned mongrels and they are much smarter that many purebred Republicans that I know. All that inbreeding creates idiots of which I am a prime example. I, Ted Nugent, do apologize to mongrels and subhumans everywhere. Sorry, dudes. (Click to tweet)”

Get real with TV shows: New scripted scene

2/25/2014

Ear buds?

I enjoy watching TV shows like #Person of Interest, #Intelligence and #Leverage. If you are a fan, you know when the agents go undercover they use ear buds that transmit and receive so they can communicate secretly. Everyone knows that. So why is it that the mega-corporate outfits that are behind all the evil in the world never bother to check in their ears when they do a pat down? Surely, at least one employee has a TV and watches the shows.

I would like to see one scene that follows the script below:

KEN ENTERS. Ken is a super undercover agent. Security stops him at the entrance of a meg-corporation (the one behind all evil in the world) after passing through the scanner. TINY sits at a desk in front of Ken. She is a female ex-wrestler now working security.

TINY: Sir, you just made my day.

KEN: What seems to be the problem?

TINY: Well, sir, our scanner indicated that you have a few items that you will have to leave here. You can pick them up when you leave the facility.

KEN: Like what?

TINY: (chuckles) Let’s start with the pistol in your waistband.

KEN: I have a permit to carry a concealed weapon. I have a constitutional right to bear arms.

TINY True. However, we have the right to keep you out of this private property if you have a weapon. Surrender the piece or leave.

KEN: (removes pistol and places it on the desk) Okay. I forgot I even had it.

TINY: The other one too.

KEN: What other one?

TINY: The one strapped to your right calf.

KEN (removes second pistol) Now I feel naked.

TINY: I wish. We don’t allow cellphone either. Leave your cellphone.

Ken takes out his cellphone and places it on the desk.

TINY: Now the other one.

KEN: What other one?

TINY: The one strapped to your left calf.

Ken removes the second cellphone.

TINY: Our scanner indicates that you have ear buds.

KEN: No. No. That must be a false reading. I have nothing in my ears.

TINY: If you insist. (yells) Max!

ENTER MAXIMO, a former sumo wrestler now working security. He holds a large hand-held magnet to the side of Ken’s head. A small ear communication device pops out. He does the same to Ken’s other ear and another device pops out.

KEN: Oh. You mean those?

TINY: (giggling) Our scanner indicated that you have another device in your colon. Please remove that device too.

KEN: Now that’s too much. That has to be a mistake.

TINY: Okay, play it your way. Max!

Maximo starts toward Ken with the magnet.

KEN: Oh, you know what? I think I am in the wrong place. I should be in the next building. I will just leave. Sorry for any inconvenience. Bye.

TINY: God, I love this job.

If Thoughts Could Kill

2/23/2014

Killing thoughts

At one time or another we all have thought about killing someone. Well, maybe not all of us. We never acted on the thought. Well, not all of us. I wrote about it in this short-short story titled, If Thoughts Could Kill. Enjoy!

Angelina allowed herself a small snicker as the focus of her ire came down for breakfast. God I hate him, she thought. Look at that idiot. Little does he know that I am going to kill him next week. I can’t stand the sight of him.

“Good morning, dear,” Ravi said as he poured himself a cup of coffee. “How did you sleep last night?” I wish she died in her sleep. That would make everything easier, he thought. I HAVE to kill her next week. He sat down at the table opposite her.

Angelina handed Ravi the half-and-half. “Fine. And you?” Ravi blew on the surface of his coffee, a habit that Angelina found extremely annoying, and took one sip. Blood began to drip from his nostrils. As he reached up to touch his face, foam began to pour out of his mouth. He looked at Angelina with those narrow beady eyes as his head hit the table with a thud. Then his head rolled off the table, across the kitchen floor and into the dog’s dish where Peppy, the greyhound, began to lick his face.

“Like a baby.” Ravi grabbed the bagel knife and reaching across the table, stabbed Angelina’s hand, pinning it to the table. Pulling a pistol from the back of his waistband, he shot Angelina between the eyes. He smiled as the back of her head blew out like a smashed watermelon. Blood spouted out the top of her head and down onto the flannel nightgown that he hated. “Do you have plans this weekend?”

“No, not really.” Angelina poured another cup of coffee. Yes, you bastard, Angelina thought. While you’re banging your slutty mistress across town, I have to buy some antifreeze for your coffee. Then I have to stop off at the gun shop and pick up the pistol that has been on hold while my background check is in progress. I also want to find your old hunting knife.

“Me neither.” Ravi sipped his coffee. I wish I had a slutty mistress across town so I could spend the day banging her while you waste money on another facial. He finished his coffee and stood up. “Well, I am going to get dressed and do some yard work.”

“You do that, dear. I think I’ll go into town and get a facial.” What an idiot. He is worth millions but wears the same pair of underwear for years. I can’t wait to kill him.

“Have fun. Pick up something for dinner.” As Ravi walked out of the kitchen, the kitchen exploded in a ball of fire. Apparently, someone left the gas on in the oven.

“Ciao,” answered Angelina. As Ravi reached the top of the stairs, the top step gave way. He grabbed the railing and that also gave way. He fell over the side and landed on his head in the living room. His eyes were open and glued to the TV. The thought of it made Angelina smile.

“Angie, I can’t find my lucky underwear.” What a bitch. I bet she threw them out.

“I threw them out, dear. I’ll buy you some new ones while I’m in town.” I gotta kill him next week.

Ravi shook his head. I have gotta kill her next week.

Guidance for pot farmers

2/21/2014

Pot Farmers

I recently posted rules for robbers. There were several incident of sheer stupidity committed by careless robbers. It appears that robbers are not the only stupid criminals. Police in #Modesto, CA received a 911 call from a man who reported that a nearby house was on fire. That turned out to be false. Later he called again to report intruders were in his home - also false. The man then asked a neighbor to call for him to report two women hostages in his home. Later, he claimed that a man had been shot. The police responded to every call. Finally, police searched the man’s home and found an illegal marijuana garden. Police arrested the man and charged him with growing #marijuana and making false reports. Police think that he was under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Duh! Do you think? Apparently, there is no truth to the rumor that the police had to wear masks as they entered the home. That rumor was a residual from a Justin Bieber incident. Obviously, pot growers in #California need help. If you are going to consume what you grow, do so responsibly. Here are my rules for smoking what you’re growing:

1. Do not use a cellphone while smoking pot. That goes for landlines and computers too. Especially, do not take selfies with your pot plants and post them on Instagram or Facebook

2. Do not ask someone to call 911 while you are higher than a kite.

3. When you are high, do not confess to a crime while calling 911.

4. Do not invite the police into your home to see your marijuana garden.

5. If you can resist, do not smoke your profits away.

6. Do have a designated and sober lookout while you're smoking pot.

7. Do remember that when police come to your door, pot smoke is probable cause to search your home.

8 Remember that pot smoke does not mean your home is on fire – usually. Do keep a fire extinguisher handy.

9. Do not grow pot in your home. Your neighbor’s home is okay. Do not use that empty lot behind the police station.

10. Do not try to sell pot to the police when they break down your door. A free sample might be okay.

More rules for robbers (Robbers' Rules of Order)

2/19/2014

Robbers' rules of order

You may have read my blog for Feb 15. If not, scroll down. I posted cellphone etiquette rules for robbers. Apparently, robbers need more guidance. Police in Mount Dora, Florida arrested a man in connection with recent burglaries. A woman found the man sleeping on her couch, covered with a blanket. He had helped himself to a beer before falling asleep. She heard him snoring. Evidenced found on the man connected him to other recent burglaries and a car break-in. In another case, Dallas police arrested a teenager who robbed a police officer’s apartment. He stole the officer’s service weapon and ammunition. Two witnesses chased the teenager when they saw him leave the apartment carrying a pillowcase full of stolen goods. As he fled over a fence, he ripped his trousers, and his wallet fell out. The police found his high school identification card in the wallet. These petty thieves have yet to learn that the real money is in bogus investment scams. Here are more rules for robbers:

1. Don’t sleep at the scene of the crime, especially if you snore.

2. Don’t eat anything at the scene of the crime. It leaves fingerprints and traces of DNA.

3.Don’t carry evidence of a crime while you are committing yet another crime.

4. Don’t carry your wallet or any ID while committing a crime. That includes a cellphone.

5. Make sure you can jump any obstacles on your escape route.

6. Don’t carry stolen goods in a pillow case as you leave the scene of a crime.

7. Don’t rob a police officer’s apartment. They tend to take it personal.

8. If you do lose your high school ID, don’t go back to school. You can’t go home again either.

Great pick up line.

2/17/2014

Pick up line.

Here is a short story I wrote about hooking up. I hope you enjoy it. It is titled, Heads I Win, Tails You Lose.

“Heads, we get married; tails, we break up.”

Judy nearly spit out a mouth full of her cosmopolitan when she laughed. If that remark came from a boyfriend, she might have been angry but coming from a total stranger, she thought it was the funniest pick-up line she had ever heard. She was sitting alone in this popular bar, and this was not the first line of the evening that she had heard, but it was intriguing. It got her attention. She turned on her bar stool toward the stranger. “What?” she shouted above the din of the bar.

In a slightly louder voice, the stranger leaned in and started to repeat his remark. “I said...”

Judy cut him off. “No, no. I heard what you said. What do you mean?”

The good-looking stranger with a coin in his hand smiled. “Well, that is where all these relationship are heading, right? You meet someone and down the road, you either break up or get married. I am just trying to save time. Heads, we get married; tails, we break up.”

“Wait! Wait!” Judy said with a grin. “If those are my only choices, I have to have a name.”

“No, that just makes breaking up that much harder. It’s easier if we don’t know each other’s name.”

“Yes, but what if it turns up heads and we get married? I have to decide if I like your name, right?”

“No. You can keep your name, if you like, or you can hyphenate the names. It’s your call.”

Judy smiled. “No deal. I have to have a first name at least.”

“Okay, my first name is Bob.”

Judy stuck out her hand. “Hello, Bob. I’m Judy. Nice to meet you.”

Bob shook Judy’s hand. “Now that that’s out of the way, let’s flip the coin.”

Judy poked a finger into Bob’s chest. “No. No. No. I have some questions first.”

“Trust me, Judy. The less we know about each other, the easier it will be to break up.”

“Look! Either I get to ask some questions or no coin toss.”

Bob thought about it for a few seconds. “Okay, we each get three questions. You first.”

Judy took a deep breath. “Question number one; do you want kids?”

Bob’s eyes lit up. “Oh, yes! I love kids. Next question.”

Judy laughed. “Question number two; where would we live?”

“Wherever you like. I’d even be willing to live near your family.”

“Well, that’s good. Now the last question; does this line get you many dates?”

Bob, laughed and shook his head. “Actually, this is the first time I have tried it.”

Judy nodded in agreement. “I thought so. Now you ask three questions.”

Bob thought for a minute. “Okay, here goes. What’s your favorite color?”

“What! Of all the important details you need to know before we get married, and the top of your list is my favorite color. Why?”

“If we do get married, I will bring you a rose every day in your favorite color.”

“Well, lucky for you, it’s red.”

“Very well. My next question is; what’s your favorite type of food?’

“Italian. Why?”

“If we get married, I will take you out for Italian every Friday.”

Judy grinned. “Sounds good. Last question?”

“My last question is; how am I doing so far?”

Judy nodded. “Actually, not too bad. Flip the coin.”

Bob flipped the coin up, but Judy intercepted it before Bob could catch it. She slapped it on the back of her other hand and removed her top hand to reveal heads. Then she picked up the coin and turned it over. “Really, Bob? A two headed coin?”

“I, I, I just wanted to increase my odds. How did you know?”

Judy smiled. “Let’s just say that this is not my first rodeo. How about we flip to see where you will take me for dinner? Heads for Italian and heads for Italian.”

Bob smiled. “Okay.”

Judy flipped the coin and caught it. Without looking at it, she slipped it into her pocket. “Italian it is.”

“Can I have my coin back?”

Judy laughed as she hooked her arm in his and headed for the door. “Don’t push your luck.”

THE END

Cell Phone Etiquette for Robbers

2/15/2014

Cell Phone Etiquette

Police arrested a man in Chula Vista, CA after finding his cell phone at the scene of a break in and robbery. He had a selfie on the phone and people recognized him. A search of his home revealed stolen property. That led to the arrest of two other people. Police have linked him to thefts at a nearby trailer park. It is somewhat self-evident that petty thieves are a few bricks short of a full load. Clearly, they need cell phone etiquette rules. Here is a start:

1. Do not take your cell phone to a robbery.

2. Do not take selfies at the crime scene.

3. Do not take selfies with stolen property.

4. Do not text about the robbery to anyone.

5. Do not put the address of the robbery on your cell phone GPS (or automobile).

6. If you steal a cell phone and someone calls, don’t answer.

7. Do not take a picture of the house you rob or are thinking about robbing.

8. Do not text your partners in crime to join you at the residence.

9. Do not let your partners in crime take your picture at the crime scene or anywhere else.

10. Do not use the theme song from Cops as your ring tone.

Meth Heads, Heads of State and Zombie Heads

2/13/2014

French Toast?

You may have seen the headline, “Three Meth Heads Arrested for Shipping Mannequins.” No! Wait! That’s not right. It was, “Three Dummies Arrested for Shipping Drugs Inside their Heads.” No! That’s not right either. It should read, “Three Arrested for Shipping Methamphetamines Inside Dummy Heads.” The police arrested three people for trying to ship three mannequin heads stuffed with methamphetamine to Hawaii.

Here is another hot story: Central Michigan University is offering a course on the waking dead (#zombies). There is no truth to the rumor that most of the students who signed up for the class were texting at the time and did not realize that they had signed up for the class. That does not include the dozens of students who walked into the classroom accidently while texting. The first homework assignment is to somehow ship methamphetamines to Hawaii.

Did you see that President #Obama toasted #French President at a state dinner? Of course -- French toast. There is no truth to the rumor that he asked the French President if he wanted freedom fries with his meal.

In Wyoming, we have a word for the extreme weather we are having. We call it, “Winter.”

How to be a Bestselling Dead Author

2/11/2014

Bestselling Author

Here is a short story on how to become a bestselling author, Bestselling Dead Author.

Joe Regan was a writer. His suicide note was not his best piece of work. It simply read, “Fair well cruel world.” Joe took all the sleeping pills and sat down in his recliner. When he opened his eyes again, he was looking into the face of his agent, Bernie Blackwell.

Bernie smiled and brushed back Joe’s hair. “Hey.”

“Hey. Oh, my head hurts.” Joe looked around. “Where am I?”

“You are in St. Thomas Hospital. I found you and called 911. The doctors pumped your stomach. You’ve been in a coma for five days, man.”

“Oh. I don’t know if I should thank you or not. I just wanted to die.”

“I know, man. I found your note. Why did you do it?”

Joe smiled. “You’re my agent. I think you know why. My novel has been rejected by 45 publishers and I haven’t earned a dime in three years.”

Bernie chuckled. “It is 47 publishers now. I didn’t get a chance to tell you about the last two. However, while you were in a coma, I’ve been busy. I posted your suicide note on a few key social media web sites and wrote what a tragedy it was since your novel is so great.”

“My suicide note? I did not say much in my note.”

Bernie smiled. “Yeah, well, I sort of rewrote it. I also went ahead and published the e-book version of your novel. It is going viral. We sold over 10,000 copies in four days. We now have offers from three publishers. I think if you had died, your novel would make the best sellers’ list.”

“Lucky me! I have to nearly kill myself for my novel to sell.”

“Joe, what do you expect? You wrote a romance novel about gay pygmies living in San Francisco-not a great genre. Anyway, since you really don’t want to live, would you consider killing yourself? It would mean a lot to me. I could help.”

“What! My novel is finally published and you want me to kill myself? Are you crazy?”

Bernie shrugged his shoulders. “No big deal. Come on, get up. I brought a wheelchair. I am taking you out of here.” He handed Joe a glass of water and some pills. “Here, take these.”

Joe took the pills with the water. With Bernie’s help, he got into the wheelchair. Bernie wheeled Joe out of ICU and headed for the elevators. Bernie pushed the up call button for the elevator.

“Where are you taking me?”

“Don’t worry about it. I am taking you to the tenth floor. The second elevator is out of service. I should be able to open the doors there.”

“Bernie, I don’t feel so good. What were those pills?”

"Sleeping pills.”

“I took four. Am I supposed to take that many?”

“No, man. You are supposed to take only one every 12 hours.”

“Won’t that kill me?”

“No. It will make you comatose. In your condition, you won’t notice that the elevator is not there. The fall from the tenth floor will kill you.”

“But Bernie, I don’t want to die any more. I want to live.”

“Listen, man. I’m telling you. If you die, we will make the best sellers’ list. We’ll be able to negotiate a big contract. We’ll attract more talented writers.”

“'We?' I’ll be dead.”

The elevator arrived and Bernie pushed the wheelchair inside and pushed the tenth floor button.

“Well, yeah,” said Bernie. “Quit thinking about yourself for once. Did you even consider me? This is my big break. When I post your next suicide note, I’ll sell a million copies of your novel. Plus, I am sure I can get a six figure advance for your next novel.”

My next novel? I never wrote a second novel.” “It will be found among your things after your death.”

“Bernie, don’t do this. I don’t want to die.”

“Quit being selfish! Close your eyes now and rest. It will all be over in a few minutes. You are going to be a bestselling author. Congratulations.”

"Punography" and other play on words

2/8/2014

Punography?

I saw this item on Facebook. I don’t know who wrote it, but I think it is hilarious. You might say it is punny. I have always been a fan of puns or any play on words. When I saw, this I had to share it. I hope you like it too. It’s titled “Punography.”  These pun were intended.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.    %

ow does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. We became quite attached.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

The girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had Type A blood, but it was a Type O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

If you can think of more, please tell me in a comment.