I have seen several articles lately about the subtle signs you are about to be terminated. What about the obvious, not so subtle signs? Here is a list of some of the indicators that you may be the next employee terminated:
1. You show up at work and your company has moved without leaving a forwarding address.
2. You arrive at work and a SWAT team is about to break down your office door.
3. Your car is towed out of the company parking lot.
4. A new employee is sitting at your desk.
5. Your favorite food is no longer served in the company cafeteria.
6. Housekeeping drops off a bunch of cardboard boxes at your desk.
7. Your administrative assistant is sending out resumes.
8. Recruiters start calling you at home.
9. You’re not notified of an emergency meeting of a committee that you’re on.
10. Your password to the company computer doesn’t work. No one returns your calls or e-mails. People cancel appointments with you. Your telephone has been disconnected. Your key to the executive bathroom doesn’t work. (Take the hint.)
11. A new roster of employees no longer lists you. A new organization chart no longer shows your department.
12. Your friends start sending you e-mails asking if you’re okay. Other employees stop by your office to say that they will miss you.
These less than subtle signs should tell you that you are soon to be history at that company. 

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Millions people are unable to enjoy the comedy of life, because they are humorously challenged. Often they suffer in silence, ashamed to admit that they don’t get the joke. Everyone should learn to recognize the symptoms and to help those unfortunate people who have trouble laughing. Friends do not let friends miss out on the joke. This is a curable and preventable illness. Maybe you are one of those who suffer in silence. Ask yourself these questions:
1. When someone tells a joke, do you stand there saying, “I don’t get it.” while everyone else is laughing?
2. Does everyone stop laughing and change the subject when you join a group?
3. Do you laugh at inappropriate times while others aren’t laughing?
4. Do you think that Saturday Night Live is a news program?
5. Do you take sarcasm as a serious statement?
6. Are you unable to laugh at yourself as well as others?
7. Do you think that Bob Hope was the Secretary of State and that Bill Clinton was a comedian?
8. Are you unable to laugh and make milk come out of your nose?
9. Do you feel pain when someone tickles your funny bone?
10. Do you think that this article is serious?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be humorously challenged to some degree. Not to fear, the cure is simple, but may take years. To cure yourself from being humorously challenged, start by reading my blog at http://www.monteranderson-author.com. Once you are able to at least smile at my comments, start reading cartoons in the newspaper. (If you don’t know what a newspaper is, contact me privately.) Once you are able to understand the cartoons, you may try going to a comedy club and signing up for humorous blogs. With a little effort, you may be cured after a few years.

I haven’t felt the need to post these warnings, but in light of the current topic, I thought I had better.

WARNING! Reading this blog may cause laughter which might result in a pulled stomach muscles, injured funny bones, coffee or milk to pour from the nose, and self-inflicted wounds caused by slapping knees or foreheads.

WARNING! Reading my blog may cause eyestrain, deep thoughts (rare), raised eyebrows, furrowing of the forehead, gnashing of teeth, and shaking of the head.

If you think you have any of these symptoms, return to my blog the next day for another dose.
Consider yourself warned.

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I have written a few screenplays, nothing published, but I have a few more as WIP. Here is a list of screenplays I am working on:
Wyoming: If you thought #Nebraska was a great movie, you’ll love #Wyoming. This is the story of a young politician, Dick #Chaney, who wanders aimlessly across Wyoming to become the Secretary of Defense.
Transgender: You’ve seen the movies: The #Transformers, The Transporter and Lost in Translation. Now watch for Transgender. Self-explanatory.
Ex-Men: The hilarious adventures of five guys who married and then divorced the same woman. I envision this as another Leaving Las Vegas and a male version of the #Real Housewives of Orange County. These guys bicker and whine about everything but agree that their ex is a total bitch.
Rhode Island Boys: The biopic movie would follow the career of the famous singing group from Rhode Island. Does anyone know any famous singing groups from Rhode Island? I got nothing.
XXX Women: Forget the #X-Men and the Ex-Men, watch the XXX-Women. No further description is needed.
Godzilla Meets Paul Bunyan: It’s high time that Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox get their own movie. I think Babe the Blue Ox can take the Godzilla in a fair match (no fire). Paul, with his mighty axe, would make short work of Godzilla.

Next is list of my teleplays as WIP:
Green is the New Orange: I’m pitching this TV series as a sequel to #Orange is the New Black. The film would be recycled after every showing. I plan to use only organically grown actors and extras. The script will be written on biodegradable paper made from rags that were made from real paper.
Game of Toilets: This would be a spin off from #The Game of Thrones. It picks up when everything goes down the tubes. It will be a fictional account of a bunch of royals who think their crap smells sweeter than anyone else’s crap.

The following TV shows are basically unscripted:
Fifty Shades of Camouflage: I’m pitching this as a game show on TV. Think #Duck Dynasty meets #Survivor. Professional soldiers camouflage and hide in the jungle. Contestants have to find them. To add to the challenge, the jungle is laced with mines and booby traps and the soldiers shoot real bullets – lots of laughs.
Fifty Varieties of Grey: This reality show is based on the #greyhound bred of dogs. It follows a number of retired racing dogs and some that are still racing. The greyhounds run, sleep, pout, sleep, whine, sleep, eat and sleep. Did I mention that they sleep? The interactions create endless drama. I know because I had two greyhounds. They make great pets.
Fifty Variations of Grey: This reality show takes place in a nursing home. The residents sleep, pout, sleep, whine, sleep, eat, sleep and watch TV. Did I mention that they sleep? The interactions create endless drama. There is bickering, revenge, emotional episodes and even romance.
The Expandables: This reality show would be similar to #The Biggest Loser except in reverse. The show takes ten skinny people who try to eat in as many restaurants as possible to see who can gain the most weight in a month. Each show would take place in a different major city like New York City, Chicago and Los Angeles.
 
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Okay, I’ve been warning you. If you haven’t removed your fraternity from your resume, you should do it now. Last chance. There are basically two types of fraternities; those who have done something publicly offensive and those who haven't...yet. It would be best not to admit to being a member until after you're hired. Even after you get the job, you may not want to confess.

It appears that another pledge may have died recently as a result of a possible off-campus fraternity hazing stunt. The student was pledging for the Alpha Phi Alpha fraternity at Buffalo State College in New York. He may have been forced to drink a toxic brew that led to his illness and death, although that is still under investigation. Buffalo State President suspended the fraternity. The national governing body also suspended them. I guess there are still fraternity that believe hazing is a useful endeavor.

Alpha Phi Alpha joins the list of suspended frats that include:

University of Florida – Zeta Beta Tau fraternity for obscene behavior.
Old Dominion University in Norfolk, VA -- Sigma Nu for posting an offensive sign.
University of  OK (not to be confused with You Okay) – Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity members sang racial slurs on a bus.
Yale -- Delta Kappa Epsilon for offensive chants.
University of Arizona – Sigma Alpha Epsilon for racial slurs and off campus behavior.  
Cal State Northridge -- Tau Kappa Epsilon for hazing and sexual misconduct and Pi Kappa Phi for the death of a student.
University of Michigan -- Sigma Alpha Mu and sorority Sigma Delta Tau for trashing rooms at a ski resort.
Clemson University, SC -- Sigma Alpha Epsilon for racism. 
Wesleyan University -- Psi Upsilon for possible rape (law suit)
Georgia Tech -- Phi Kappa Tau for offensive e-mail.
Arizona State University -- Tau Kappa Epsilon's hosting an offensive racial themed party. Also at ASU in 2013 -- a drunk member of Sigma Alpha Epsilon was dumped at an emergency room. In 2012 as student drowned after a frat event.

Do you see the trend? Don’t join any fraternity with the Greek letters of Alpha, Epsilon or Sigma. (The above list isn’t all inclusive.)  

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#Area 51 is a remote detachment of Edwards Air Force Base, 83miles north-northwest of #Las Vegas in #Nevada. The base's primary purpose is top secret; however, it most likely supports development and testing of aircraft and weapons systems. It also houses alleged unidentified flying objects (#UFOs) that crashed nearby. Rumors persist that visiting aliens live in the barracks. Okay, you all knew that much.

Did you ever wonder about the other areas like Area 50, Area 49, and Area 52, etc.? Those areas are top secret too. You may wonder how I know that. Well, have you ever heard of them? No? There you go. I was able to obtain a top-secret list of those top-secret areas from a top-secret confidential source. I won’t bore you with the entire list. I will just name a few:

Area 13. Locally called “Obama-scare,” Area 13 is the location where the web site for the new Affordable Healthcare Act was developed.

Area 007. This area houses all the data that is gathered by the #CIA and #NSA. It is affectionately referred to as Home of the SS (Super Snoopers). One entire building is devoted just to telephone conversations. Another has all the e-mails you thought disappeared into a cyber black hole. Rumor has it that Hillary Clinton is a consultant for the area.

Area EZ1040. It’s at this area where all the tax codes are taken and revised to be impossible to understand.

Area 69. This area is devoted to teaching politicians how to avoid sex scandals. Eliot Spitzer is a recent drop out. Anthony #Weiner is a graduate.

Area Mary Jane. This is where the government grows high quality #marijuana for politicians. Clients include the ex-Mayor of #Toronto, Rob Ford, ex-Mayor of San Diego.

Area IT. This area has been in the news recently, and may have blown its cover. The area is used strictly for Intensive Therapy (IT). It contains an 18-hole golf course, a swimming pool and tennis courts. Anthony Weiner, Bob #Filner and others graduated from the one-week course. Many graduates say that the therapy has improved their golf handicap by as much a 10 strokes.

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“Are you sure this is a good idea; bringing me here while your wife is out of town?” Judy asked.
Chris took her into his arms and smiled. “Of course. She’ll be gone for three more days. I’m tired of sneaking around in cheap hotels. For once we can stay the night and wake up next to each other in bed.”

“But if your wife finds out…”

Chris shook his head. “I got it all figured out. You’ll be gone before she returns along with any evidence that you were ever here.”

Judy smiled back. “Actually, I am looking forward to it. We’ve been dating for almost a year and this is the first time I’ve been in your home. Very nice, by the way.”

“I know. It’ll be great. We can do the things we couldn’t do before: make love at night, have breakfast in bed, watch late night TV.” Chris kissed her. “I’m glad to see that you didn’t wear any lip stick or makeup like I asked. My wife has a nose like a blood hound.”

“I understand. After all, I am a woman.”

“And a beautiful one at that. No jewelry?”

“Just like you said – no makeup, no jewelry, no body wash, no hair spray, etc. You may not like me when you smell the real me.”

Chris smiled. “I doubt that. Before my wife gets home, I’ll wash all the bedding and take out the trash. Heaven forbid she should find a condom wrapper in thrash. Did you bring the stuff I told you?”

Judy removed a piece of paper from her pocket. “I brought everything on this list. I have the shower cap, slippers, tooth brush, …everything.”

Could you put on the shower cap and slippers now?”

Judy frowned. “Are you serious? I thought you were joking when you said I need to wear them all the time in the house.”

“I know, I know, it’s a hassle, but if my wife finds one stray hair or one-foot print, she’ll know I’m having an affair. She’s like Sherlock Holmes. We have to be really careful. That’s how my first marriage ended. I made mistakes. I’ve learned to be more careful. After all, we’ve been dating for a year, and my wife doesn’t suspect a thing.”

“Should I wear gloves?”

Chris laughed. “No, no, that would be necessary. I’ll wipe down everything after you leave.”

Judy tilted her head. “So how did your first wife catch you?”

“Lip stick on a cigarette butt. She didn’t smoke.”

Judy laughed. “Thank goodness, I don’t smoke. Can I ask you something?”

“Of course,” Chris answered.

“Your current wife, was she the one you had affair with when you were married to wife number one?”

Chris shrugged his shoulders. “Busted. Yeah, that’s why we have to be so careful. She knows I might cheat on her.”

Judy put her arms around Chris’ waist and kissed him. “Well, I glad you are cheating on her with me. I’m looking forward to these next few days.”

“Yeah, me too. I’ll make dinner.”

Judy smiled. “You promised me breakfast too, remember.”

“That too. Let me set the table.” Chris when into the kitchen and returned with paper plates and plastic cups. A bottle of wine was tucked under his arm.

Judy took one look and picked up a paper plate. “Really? Paper plates?”

Chris continued to set the table with plastic dinner ware and paper napkins. “Trust me, Judy. One finger print and it’s divorce court for me. This is the only way. We’ll burn everything in the fire place.”

“Okay, I guess. I just thought we’d have a romantic dinner.”

Chris raised his eyebrows. “Right. I’ll get some candles.” He walked back into the kitchen.

Judy heard Chris rummaging through cabinets. She decided to make her move. She grabbed her purse and removed a thong and sighed. It was her favorite – pretty and sexy. One squirt from her perfume bottle and it was ready. Between the cushions of the couch was the perfect hiding place for it. Next thing out of her purse was a pair of ear rings – not her favorite. Under the cushion of the chair was another excellent hiding place. Chris’s wife would be sure to find them. A stray hair from her head was placed on the back of the couch, almost invisible against the fabric. The final touch was another spray of perfume on the underside of a throw pillow.

Judy had thought about telling Chris’ wife about their affair; woman to woman, but decided to remain anonymous if that was even possible.  Satisfied with her work, Judy took her purse, turned on her high heels and left.

END

You may have read the news; Albert Einstein was right about #gravitational waves. These waves are ripples in the space/time continuum Einstein predicted nearly 100 years ago. Scientists have detected evidence of gravitational waves. They are describing it as a “chirp,” the “music of the cosmos” or the “soundtrack” of the universe. Louisiana State University physicist Gabriela Gonzalez, said they hope to have a greatest hits compilation of the universe in a decade or so. Apparently, there is no truth to the rumor that the it sounded like John Lennon’s song, "Give Peace a Chance."
Here are my nominations for the possible “Greatest Hits of the Cosmos” album:

• "Fly Me to the Moon" — Frank #Sinatra
• “Blue Moon” -- Richard Rodgers and Lorenz Hart
• “Rocket Man”-- #EltonJohn
• “Space Oddity” --#DavidBowie
• “The Purple People Eater” -- Sheb Wooley
• The opening theme to “Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy”
• “Eclipse” -- #Pink Floyd
• “Across the Universe” -- The #Beatles

 
Now that scientists have solved the theory of gradational waves, there are still other mysteries yet to be solved:

Are there #Bigfoot/#Sasquatch/#Yeti creatures or are they the results of poor hairdos?

Are there Unidentified Flying Objects (#UFO)? Should they be banned? Can they be taxed? Where do they park? Do they pay tolls?

What is Dark Matter and what do we do with it when we find it? Does it matter?

Why some people don’t believe in global warming? Are they just cold blooded? Poor circulation? Starved for attention?

Is #Thump’s hair real or a really bad toupee?

Does intelligent life exist elsewhere? Scientists already know there is no intelligence life in Congress or California. Can we set up a play date?

Where do e-mails disappear to? Is there really a black hole in the internet that sucks up random e-mails? What happened to the missing eighteen and a half minutes from the Nixon tapes?

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I recently blogged about debunking myths about the brain. I thought today I would continue in that vein and debunk the myths about butts (asses):

1. Some people have their “head up their ass.” Not true. You can try this at home. No way will your head fit up your butt or anyone else’s butt.

2. Some things are “half assed.” Okay, this one’s true. People can live with half an ass. Of course, they must be careful not to fall into the toilet. In some cases, surgeons might remove half an ass. In normal cases, individuals have been known to lose half their ass on a diet.

3. People may say that they “lost their ass” in an investment or gambling. Not true. No one would want to accept an ass as an investment or a wager. 

4. It is possible to get an “ass chewing.” Okay, this one is true too but not the way you think. While it is possible to eat an ass, it is not recommended except in extreme circumstances. However, in the case of consenting adults in the privacy of their bedroom, some ass chewing may occur.

5. Some people are “butt heads” or “ass holes.” Not true - heads and butts are not interchangeable parts in spite of what some surgeons might say. The butt has no brain. Stupid people should correctly be called “brain dead”, clueless or thoughtless but “butt head” or “ass hole” is simply not correct. While it’s possible to “butt heads” (note the use of “butt” as a verb) with someone, that is an entirely different thing and usually ends in one of the parties being injured or fired.

6. It is possible to “kick ass” or “kick butt.” This is true. This phenomenon happens often in professional sports. It shouldn’t be taken: literally, but sometimes people do need a swift kick in the pants.

7. Some people are “ass kissers” or “brown nosers.” This one is also true but not in the way most people think. The common misperception is that it applies to a worker who kisses up to the boss. It would be rare if there was any real “ass kissing” taking place. Real “ass kissing” takes in the bedroom between consenting adults (read #4, reference “ass chewing” above). “Brown nosers” are really “ass kissers” who have gone too deep or missed the mark.

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I read with interest an article about the seven most common myths about the brain. In  an ASAP Science video, Mitchell Moffit and Gregory Brown explained why they aren't true. I’ll just summarize the article. The myths are:
 
1. A bigger brain is better (smarter). Not true.

2. Alcohol kills brain cells. Not true, thank goodness.

3. Drugs create "holes" in your brain. Not true. Again, thank goodness.

4. The brain has 100 billion cells. Not true. The brain has only 86 billion brain cells. I get light headed thinking about it.

5. People use only 10% of your brain. Not true (unless you’re a politician).

6. People are either "left-brained" or "right-brained." Not true.

7. People have only five senses: sight, smell, taste, hearing, and touch. Also, not true. People also have a sense of balance, temperature, time, pain and proprioception (the body awareness that helps us not walk into things all the time). Makes sense to me.

I believe that Moffit and Brown missed a few myths. As a public service, I will present them here:

1. A “No Brainer.” Not true. If someone’s a no brainer, meaning they have no brain, then they are a zombie. At least, I don’t think zombies have brains.

2. “Blow your mind” or be “mind blowing.” Again, not true. If something blows your mind, once again, your become a zombie.

3. “Mind altering” or “mind expanding.” Not true. You brain is what it is. Once you become an adult, it is fully grown. It may shrink as you grow older but won’t expand. “Mime” altering is something else entirely.

4. Eating cold ice cream will make your “brain freeze.” Not true. Opening the top of your head on a cold day will freeze your brain.

5. Your brain can get a “brain cramp” or a “brain fart”. “Not true. Muscles cramp, not brains. Brains can’t fart either. The correct term should be “senior moment’ which can occur at any age.

6. Some people have only “half a brain.” Okay, this one might be true, especially if you’re a politician. This phenomenon can be observed on the news all the time. Recently, according to NBC News, a Florida man threw a 3-and-a-half-foot alligator through a Wendy's drive-thru window. He is charged with unlawful possession of an alligator, aggravated assault with a deadly weapon and petit theft. Police suspect he had only half a brain.

7. “A penny for your thoughts.” Due to inflation, the true cost is 26.5 cents for a thought. People who work for a penny a thought are under paid. This is especially true for writers and bloggers like me.

8. Someone can get “inside your head” or “mess with your head.” Not true, unless you’re a surgeon. Alcohol can get into your head and mess with your head but not people. If you really want to mess with someone’s head just ask, “You’re not going to wear that, are you?”
 
9. People can be “brain dead.” This one’s true. When people are brain dead, the body soon follows and they are declared totally dead. Once that happens they are either buried, become zombies (see #1 above), get elected to congress or become a candidate for President.
 
10. People can be “scatter brained.” Not true. Your brain is contained in your scull and can’t scatter. This should not be confused with having your “brains scattered” by some horrible accident.
 
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