It seems that the country has one problem after another with crisis following crisis. All these problems cry out for a solution. I recall seeing a sign when I worked in the Pentagon that said, “Every problem can be solved if the solution is complex enough. Simple solutions to complex problem will not be tolerated.” Apparently, all the nation’s problems can be solved with a complex solution no one can understand, let alone implement.  Now that I am older and slightly wiser, I realize that many of our national problems have a simple solution. It may be a hard and difficult solution but probably the correct one.
 
Let’s face the facts. People want to come to the USA for a better life or escape prosecution in their country. Many try to cross the border from #Mexico. They come from #CentralAmerica, South America and from overseas. Spin off problems include the large influx of unaccompanied children, #amnesty for illegal aliens, undocumented workers, keeping our borders secure, drugs, crime, etc. To paraphrase a Mexican bandit leader named "Gold Hat" (played by Alfonso Bedoya) in the movie The Treasure of the Sierra Madre, "Walls? We don't need no stinkin' walls!"
  
Here’s the simple solution; annex Central America. Make it a territory of the United States -- problem solved. The US should annex Central America down to the Panama Canal. That includes Mexico, #Guatemala, #Honduras, #CostaRica, and half of #Panama. We would make it a territory like #Guam, #PuertoRico, and #Hollywood or add five new states.
 
Here’s the impact of that solution:
1. All the people in Central America would be US citizens -- no need to immigrate.
2. The Panama Canal is a great barrier; no need to build a wall. We could fill the canal with sharks. The canal is 48 miles long – a fraction of length of the southern border with Mexico. Plus, it’ll be difficult to dig tunnels under the canal. A portion is under water which can be patrolled by boats and a couple of guard towers.
3. It would probably mean more votes for the Democratic Party.
4. The Panama Canal would be returned to the US ownership -- more income.
5. More illegal drugs would be available at lower prices. Many cartels would be out of business.
6.  No one would need a visa to take a vacation in Central America.
7. People would then be able to eat real Mexican food.
8. School kids would have to learn where Costa Rica is located.
9. The NRA will be happy to learn that many of the people in Central America are already armed.
10. The area is already named “America.”
11. This action will put the Canadians on notice to clean up their act.
The lower cost to build a wall should make this a no-brainer.
 
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President Trump has banned refugees from seven countries. Those countries are: Iran, Iraq, Libya, Somalia, Sudan, Syria, and Yemen. Last year, a total of 43,259 refugees came to the USA. Vetting all the refugees is a long and laborious process. First the UN screens them and refers the most vulnerable cases the US for resettlement. If someone has committed a crime, that person doesn't qualify for resettlement. Then the US does its own vetting involving eight federal agencies, six different databases, five separate background checks, four fingerprint and biometric checks, three in-person interviews and two inter-agency checks. That takes a lot of time and personnel. A quicker vetting process is needed.
 
I have developed a quick test to separate those refugees that truly love America from the terrorist bent of our destruction. The test is in the American language. No Spanish, English, French, Arabic or other versions exist. The refugee must score 100% or is forever banned from entering the USA. This test could be given to large groups at one time to speed up the vetting process. Here it is:
 
1.Do you love The United States of America? Yes or No? [The only acceptable answer is Yes. The test giver must not say, “Do you love America?” because that might include Mexico, Central America, and South America.]
 
2. Have you ever been a suicide bomber? Yes or No? [The only acceptable answer is no.]
 
3.The first words to the National Anthem are… Pick one.
a.       Jose, can you see?
b.      Okay, you can pee.
c.       Oh, say can you see.
d.      Beautiful for spacious skies
[The only acceptable answer is c.]
 
4.The best foods to order in a fast food restaurant are… Pick one.
a.       Tacos and burritos.
b.      Rice and General Tso’s chicken.
c.       Gyros and lamb kebabs 
d.      Hot dogs and apple pie.
[The only acceptable answer is d.]
 
5. If you wanted to buy a car for a car bomb, which would you choose? Pick one.
a.       Ford Mustang
b.      Volkswagen
c.       BMW
d.      Rolls Royce
[This is a trick question. There’s no right answer. If the subject selects any answer, he is a terrorist. However, a is the second-best answer. Always buy American.]
 
6.What is your favorite weapon? Pick only one.
a.       AK47
b.      Colt Defender
c.       RGP
d.      Improvised explosive device (IED)
e.       Pipe bomb
[The only acceptable answer is b. Always buy American]
 
7.What is your favorite sport? Pick one.
a.       Football
b.      Throwing Molotov Cocktails
c.       Throw stones at police
d.      Running away from police.
[The only acceptable answer is a.]
 
8.Who is considered the Father of the United States? Pick one.
a.       Donald Trump
b.      Ronald Regan
c.       Elvis Presley
d.      George Washington
[The only acceptable answer is d.]
 
9.Which of the following is not a real freedom under the Bill of Rights? Pick one.
a.       Freedom of Religion
b.      Freedom of Speech
c.       Freedom to live in Massachusetts and vote in Rhode Island
d.      Freedom to Bear Arms
 [The only acceptable answer is c.]
 
10.What is the motto of the USA? Pick one.
a.       E pluribus unum. Latin for "Out of many, one"
b.      Sock it to me. American for “sock it to me.”
c.       Carpe Diem. Latin for “Seize the day”
d.      BOLO. American for “Buy one, Get one.”
[The only acceptable answer is a.]
 
11.If you are mentally ill, what can’t you do in the USA?
a.       Run for President.
b.      Figure out how to put together Ikea furniture.
c.       Buy a gun.
d.      Drive a car.
e.       Get Married.
 [The only acceptable answer is b.]
 
Failing this test means the refugee doesn’t love the USA and most likely is a terrorist that should be banned from entering the country.
 
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I post this story every year for Valentine’s Day. I’m sorry if you have read it. I like it because it is 80% true, only the names have been changes to protect me, I mean the innocent.

A Zombie’s Valentine’s Day

I hate holidays. Not the ones with a three-day weekend, just the ones invented by greeting card companies. One year I forgot Valentine’s Day until the day it arrived. Usually, I order flowers online for my wife. After all, she is the mother of two of our beautiful children, and a third not so beautiful child. In desperation, I drove to the nearest box store.

The scene at the flower department was a disaster; flowers flung everywhere; stems bent, leaves torn, and flowers missing petals. I searched desperately for a gift: a small bouquet, a potted plant, or even a single rose. Nothing.

Several other men in my predicament also searched in vain like zombies from the Night of the Living Dead. At some point, I bumped into the department manager. Her hair was in disarray, her blouse wrinkled and stained, and she wore no shoes. I asked if I could get a corsage. She gave me an exasperated look and shook her head.

I decided to use my well-developed technique that seems to help in desperate situations; I began to cry. She took pity on me, put my head on her shoulder, and patted my back.

“Perhaps,” she said. “They can make you one in the back.” As I shuffled in the direction she pointed, I heard her shout, “Dead man walking!”

When I arrived at the rear of the store, the scene wasn’t much better. I saw two women making corsages as fast as possible. Both had Band-Aids on every finger. The trash was full of flowers ruined by blood from pricked fingers. As fast as one was made they put it into a petite white box.

When I asked if I could buy one, both women immediately stopped working, and looked at me as though I was the person in the elevator who farted. I was in trouble. The bigger of the two leaned forward.

“Do you realize how many local high schools have Valentine’s Day dances tonight?” Pointing to the stacks of white cardboard boxes, “We still have to make 150 more corsages, and have them ready for pick up in one hour.”

I fell back on my proven technique and began to cry; my lower lip quivered and tears collected in the corners of my eyes. She softened. “Oh God, not another cry baby!” she shouted. “Okay! Okay! You can have one.”
​
I returned home carrying the corsage like a cat with a prize bird and presented it to my wife. She looked surprised and uttered those words that every man loves to hear. “You remembered!”

THE END
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Feb 13 – 17 is the National Salute to Veteran Patients Program or “Salute Week.” The purpose of this week is to:
·         pay tribute and express appreciation to Veterans;
·         increase community awareness of the role of the VA medical center;
·         encourage citizens to visit hospitalized Veterans and to become involved as volunteers.

​Nearly 100,000 veterans are cared for every day in Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) medical centers, outpatient clinics, domiciliaries, and nursing homes.
 
During this week, I’m offering a 30% discount for my e-books for all veterans and active duty military members (or anyone). Here are short synopses of each e-book with a link if anyone would like to purchase one of more. Offer is good until February 19, 2017.
 
The Register Cliff Rapist. Jason Franco is an aspiring novelist working for a newspaper in a small town where nothing exciting happens until someone rapes and murders a young woman only 18 years old. The boyfriend confesses to the crime. Jason is assigned to write a follow-up story for the paper and soon suspects that the local police are covering up for one of their own. Jason's life is soon on the line. Regular Price: $3.99 USD. Price during Salute Week: $2.79. Go to http:/smashwords.com/b/588277. Use code CU67D (non-case sensitive).
 
The Clone Murders. The Clone Murders takes place in 2031 when the ability to clone people has been perfected, but it is very expensive. Five of the first clones are declared national treasures. Senator Morgan suspects foul play when one clones turns up dead from exposure to anthrax. He asks Cas Novak and Robbi Kelly to investigate, and they uncover a plot for mass destruction. Regular Price: $4.99 USD. Price during Salute Week: $3.49. Go to http:/smashwords.com/b/160136. Use code CA95X (non-case sensitive).
 
Archimedes of Syracuse: Leonardo da Vinci's Mentor. In 1499 Leonardo da Vinci is hired by Cesare Borgia as a military engineer. He begins to work on a steam canon that had originally been the idea of Archimedes 1800 years earlier. Leonardo tells Cesare the story of Archimedes and how he made many discoveries in mathematics and science. Regular Price: $3.99 USD. Price during Salute Week: $2.79. Go to http:/smashwords.com/b/159447. Use code HL82M (non-case sensitive)  
 
Angels and Gargoyles. Angels and Gargoyles is a novelette about a romance among heavenly hosts; a beauty and the beast love story. It tells how two of God's workers, for unexplainable reasons, fall in love, much to the chagrin of St. Peter. They are the two most unlikely pair for romance to begin with, but they manage to overcome all the obstacles and even St. Peter's objections so they can marry. This e-book is free. Go to http:/smashwords.com/b/149430 for a free copy.
 
Here’s my personal salute for Veterans during Salute Week. I have taken the liberty (editorial license) to re-phrase the St. Crispin’s Day speech from William Shakespeare’s play, Henry V. (My apologies to Bill.) If you haven’t read it, check it out. It will resonate. It’s the speech that Henry V made to the English Army shortly before the Battle of Agincourt on the morning of 25 October 1415. That’s where the term, "band of brothers", comes from. Here’s my twist on it:

This week is Salute Week. Those of us who came home will stand attention this week and salute all veterans, living or dead, who answered when their country called. Those who had no stomach for the fight decided not to answer and stayed home. We didn’t care to die in their company when they valued their lives more than fighting and dying with us. We, who survived, will strip our sleeves and show our scars each year during this day, and say, "These wounds I had in the service of my country."  -- Salute.
 
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Millions of people are unable to enjoy the comedy of life, because they are humorously challenged. Often, they suffer in silence, ashamed to admit that they don’t get the joke. Everyone should learn to recognize the symptoms and to help those unfortunate people who have trouble laughing. Friends do not let friends miss out on the joke. This is a curable and preventable illness. Maybe you are one of those who suffer in silence. Ask yourself these questions:
1. When someone tells a joke, do you stand there saying, “I don’t get it.” while everyone else is laughing?
2. Does everyone stop laughing and change the subject when you join a group?
3. Do you laugh at inappropriate times while others aren’t laughing?
4. Do you think that Saturday Night Live is a news program?
5. Do you take sarcasm as a serious statement?
6. Are you unable to laugh at yourself as well as others?
7. Do you think that Bob Hope was the Secretary of State and that Bill Clinton was a comedian?
8. Are you unable to laugh and make milk come out of your nose?
9. Do you feel pain when someone tickles your funny bone?
10. Do you think that this article is serious?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be humorously challenged to some degree. Not to fear, the cure is simple but may take years. To cure yourself from being humorously challenged, start by reading my blog at http://www.monteranderson-author.com. Once you can at least smile at my comments, start reading cartoons in the newspaper. (If you don’t know what a newspaper is, contact me privately.) Once you can understand the cartoons, you may try going to a comedy club and signing up for humorous blogs. With a little effort, you may be cured after a few years.
 
I haven’t felt the need to post these warnings, but considering the current topic, I thought I had better.

WARNING! Reading this blog may cause laughter which might result in a pulled stomach muscles, injured funny bones, coffee or milk to pour from the nose, and self-inflicted wounds caused by slapping knees or foreheads.
​
WARNING! Reading my blog may cause eyestrain, deep thoughts (rare), raised eyebrows, furrowing of the forehead, gnashing of teeth, and shaking of the head.
If you think you have any of these symptoms, return to my blog the next day for another dose.
Consider yourself warned.
 
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Ethics in politics seems to be a major issue. Upon closer examination, I find the solutions for ethics in politics are obvious – maybe counter-intuitive or too simple. #Politics can be #ethical if the rules are changed. Here are my recommendations:
 
1.      I’m a firm believer that we should provide all elected leaders with concubines (professional mistresses). If the public would acknowledge that people in power attract people of the oppose sex and may succumb to temptation, then this solution makes sense. This would eliminate the rumors, sneaking around (like to South America), the embarrassment, the excessive costs, the spending of tax payers’ money and campaign contributions and the resignations of otherwise perfectly good politicians. These concubines would be on the payroll and paid according to the level of office. If an official doesn’t want a concubine, they must take a vow of celibacy. This would have helped President #Clinton and a long list of congressmen and a few senators. Representatives include Chip Pickering (R-MS); Eric Massa (D-NY); Mark Sounder (R-IN); Chris Lee  (R-NY); Anthony Weiner (D-NY); Scott DesJarlais (R-TN); David Wu (D-OR); and Vance McAllister, (R-LA). Not to be out done, the senators include John Edwards (D-NC) and John Ensign (R-NV).

2.      Politicians shouldn’t speak directly to reporters, voters or the public. They should wear a mask like Darth Vader of #StarWars. A picture of their face on the mask would be optional. Their speech would have a built-in five second delay. When they talk, a panel of censers would have five seconds to intervene. Each censer would have a button like #America’sGotTalent. One censer would focus on sexist remarks and women’s issues. Another would focus on racist remarks and civil rights. The third censor would concentrate on homophobic remarks and gay rights. The forth censor would focus on stupid remarks. The last censer would be a fact checker. Checking facts takes more than five seconds, so the censer must approve all facts before the politician speaks. If the politician attempts to quote a fact not approved earlier, this censor would intervene. If any of the censors hits their button, the intended remarks are replaced with the words, “No comment.” If three censors hit their buttons, the remarks are replaced with, “I’ll get back to you on that issue.” If all five censers hit their buttons, the remarks are replaced with, “Sun Tzu says, ‘You can’t make a snake straight by pushing it through a pipe.’” Since no one knows what the hell that means, the speech will end without further questions. The same panel could be used to censor social media like Twitter.

3.      Transparency has become a big political issue. Therefore, prior to the #primary election, all candidates should pose nude. This will prevent future problem with selfies, etc. Voters can say, “Okay, now that we have seen you, keep it in your pants.” They must also disclose their tax returns, birth certificates, college transcripts, tattoos and illegitimate children.  

4.      Bribes should not be secret. A new law would state that bribes are okay but must be public. Bribes wouldn’t go to the individual but must go to his or her campaign or, if already in office, to the national budget. The bribe must cover all the costs associated with the action desired at no increase in budget, taxes or cost to the people. For example, if someone wants a bridge to nowhere, the bribe must cover all the associated costs of installing and operating the bridge.

5.      Prior to the Primary election, candidates must submit to a drug test by an independent lab. The oath of office should include a vow of sobriety. Once in office, officials would be subject to random drug tests twice per month. Come on! We do this in other professions. Let’s get serious.
​
6.      Elected officials must attend rehab prior to taking the oath of office. This will prevent their absence while in office. While we are at it, this should also take sensitivity training.
 
AUTHOR’S NOTE: To the humorously challenged, this is a satire -- maybe.
 
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I hate it when someone says, “That’s the oldest trick in the book.” I guess I hate it, because I don’t have a copy of the book. I googled “oldest trick in the book” and there’s a lot of information on the subject. I don’t want to repeat the information I found, so I’ll offer some “alternative facts.” Some data does exist on some old jokes and some is pure conjecture.
 
There’re “tricks” and then there’re “tricks”. Regular tricks trick people. When a prostitute has sex with a “John” that’s called a “trick”. It’s safe to assume that Eve “tricked” Adam into eating from the Tree of Knowledge. Therefore, Eve invented the oldest trick in the book. I’m guessing most of the oldest tricks came from Adam and Eve. I’m sure at some point, Adam said to Eve, “look, a Tyrannosaurus Rex.” When she looked, Adam laughed and said, “Made you look.” That caused Eve to tie Adam’s big toes together while he slept. I’m sure that once Adam made a wolf a family pet, he started to blame the wolf for his farts.
 
When Cain and Abel came along, Adam started the old “pull my finger’ trick. He also invented the “there's something on your shirt” trick. When Cain or Abel looked down, he would flick them on the nose. Adam would just roar with laughter, but Cain and Abel hated it. Not to be out done, Cain invented the old "tapping on Abel’s left shoulder when he was on his right." Abel didn’t care for this trick either, and they got into a fight where Cain killed Abel.
 
You may recall that Jacob invented the “wolf in sheep’s clothing” trick to get his father’s blessing instead of his brother Esau. Delilah may have used Eve’s old trick to trick Samson. Apparently, she gave him a roofie and then cut his hair. She wasn’t a good barber, so Samson got pissed and tore the palace apart.
 
We all recall the story about the “Trojan horse” trick the Greeks pulled on the citizens of Troy. That trick inspired a condom company to adopt the name “Trojan” for their name and logo. I guess if you let them inside, you’re screwed. Of course, this can’t be the oldest trick in the book.
 
The old “gluing coins to the sidewalk or counter” trick didn’t come along until coins were invented, so that’s not the oldest trick either. It didn’t take long for a smartass merchant in ancient India to glue newly minted coins to his counter top in his shop. That same merchant may have started the “the check’s in the mail” trick. Of course, the old “ring the doorbell and run” trick did come along until electricity and doorbells were invented.
 
Card tricks aren’t that old. They had to wait for cards to be invented somewhere in China around the ninth century.
 
Perhaps you know of some trick that might be the oldest trick in the book.
 
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