​Archeologists recently recovered a text message between Moses and Yahweh. Here’s the text:
MOSES: God, this is Moses.
YAHWEH: I know who this is, Moses. Ur the only person w/ my private no. Sup?
MOSES: I met w/ the elders of the 12 tribes & we went over the commandments you proposed.
YAHWEH: Oh? How’d it go?
MOSES: Well, 2 b honest they felt that 120 commandments were a bit 2 much.
YAHWEH: What do you mean – 2 much? Like what?
MOSES: They felt that some of these shouldn’t be sins. For example, no. 102 – “Don’t go swimming for 30 min. after eating.” And no. 109 – “Say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’.”  They really hated no. 99 – “Put the toilet seat back down.” They felt that many of these should be recommendations instead of commandments.
YAHWEH: How many commandments did they suggest?
MOSES: 5 or 6 – 8 max.
YAHWEH: & what do they suggest?
MOSES: Well, the first 3 seem self-serving. Do we need them?
YAHWEH: Not negotiable. They stay.
MOSES: Okay, then. What about no. 4  – “Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy?” We can’t even agree on what day is the Sabbath. Is it Fri. or Sat. or Sun.?
YAHWEH: Not negotiable. It stays.
MOSES: Fine. So that’s 4. The elders thought that we could summarize the rest.
YAHWEH: How, pray tell?
MOSES: How about, “Treat others as you would want to be treated?”
YAHWEH: I like it. However, it seems too vague. No deal.
MOSES: What about no. 5 – “Honor thy father and thy mother?” U must admit, some mothers & fathers aren’t very nice. I mean, we already have Mother's Day and Father’s Day set aside 2 honor them.
YAHWEH: U make a good pt. Let me think about it.
MOSES: Good. No. 6 – “Thou shalt not kill.” We agree on that one. But no. 7, the one about adultery, do we need that? Some of the elders want 2 know if they can b grandfathered in.
YAHWEH: No! It stays too.
MOSES: I think we can combine number 8 & 9. We could say, “Thou shalt not lie, cheat, or steal.”
YAHWEH: Another good pt. I’ll think about it.
MOSES: Okay, last item, no. 10 – “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor anything that is thy neighbor’s.” Doesn’t stealing cover this? We already have the one on adultery. At least, can we remove the part about not coveting thy neighbor’s ass? I mean, there are some might fine looking asses out there.
YAHWEH: Again, I’ll consider it. What about the rest?”
MOSES: I can cover them somewhere. We’ll call them recommendations.
YAHWEH: Let me think this over and get back to you. Bye.
THE END

Nothing heralds spring better than the arrival the small bird called “Peeps.” This migratory bird usually arrives mid-March and stays until well after Easter. Peeps are native to North American, particularly in the USA. Ornithologists first identified peeps as a separate species about sixty years ago but know very little about their life cycle. Ornithologists spotted the first peep near Philadelphia, but now people see peeps all over North America. Peeps are a member of the chicken family. They do not nest in trees but prefer to be inside usually near a source of food like candy.     

It is a colorful, tiny bird – usually less than two inches high. They are usually a solid pink, blue, green or orange in color but may be any color. The males and females of this rare species have identical colors and markings. In fact, it is impossible to distinguish male peeps from female peeps. Ornithologists are certain that the species does mate since they find their eggs wherever peeps are found. There is no documentation on any eggs hatching. The eggs are so tasty that they can be eaten raw, so few survive to maturity to hatch peep chicks. Peeps themselves will disappear if not locked away. No peeps have survived captivity very long. Ornithologists believe that peeps migrate to the place of their birth to mate, much like salmon. The rest of the year, this shy bird will hide.    
“Peeps” is actually a misnomer since these birds have no vocal cords. You will not hear a peep out of them. However, some people claim that they have heard peeps call their name. I have had this experience.    
 
They like to stay in small groups of five or six and stick together. In fact, it takes some effort to separate one peep from another. A group of five or six is a packet. Two or more packets form a family pak. Peeps have a mellow disposition. Ornithologists believed that peeps live in lowland marshes the rest of the year; hence, the scientific name of Marshmallow Peep. Hunting peeps is easy since you do not find peeps – peeps find you.   
​  
Peeps are quite tasty eaten raw. I have seen a recipe where the peeps are lightly toasted, smothered with chocolate and served on a gram cracker. The taste will leave begging for s’more.
THE END

I read with interest an item on my news feed that some conservative residents in #Oregon want their counties to leave Democratic Oregon and become part of Republican #Idaho. The movement called, "Move Oregon's Border for a Greater Idaho," would expand the borders of Oregon by adding bordering rural counties. They have started a petition to include the movement on the ballot in November. So far three counties are in favor of the move.  

A little over 4 million people live in Oregon while less than 2 million live in Idaho. This movement might help to balance out the populations. Of course, such a move might devalue property values in those counties. Politically, such a move could add more Republican representatives to Congress and maybe reduce the number of Democratic representatives.
​
I have to ask, “Who care?”

However, if successful, the movement might encourage other counties in the country to consider similar movements. For example, Staten Island has been trying to leave New York City for years. Why not join New Jersey. I’m sure there are many counties in California that would like to join Nevada or New Mexico. I know that there are counties in Wyoming that would seriously consider joining Hawaii. California already has a movement that want to divide the state into three parts. Makes sense to me.

Several candidates are running for office this year. Yet, it seems every day there’s a new revelation about one politician or another about something in their past. Bloomberg is a case in point. I believe the problem is that there isn’t an application for candidates to complete before they’re allowed to run for office. Applications are required for jobs, colleges, driver licenses, etc. Why isn’t there an application requirement for candidates? The entire situation cries out for one.
 
As a community service I offer up a draft application that could be easily be adopted for candidates wishing to run for office.
 
Of course, there’s the normal heading. Then come the following questions:

Please indicate the party you wish to represent. (Select all that apply)      
      ___Democratic Party              ___Republican Party              ___Independent Party
      ___Socialist Party                   ___Communist Party              ___Green Party
      ___Constitution Party             ___Libertarian Party               ___Nazi Party
      ___Federalist Party                 ___Bachelor Party                  ___Progressive Party
      Other(s) _________

Have you ever been convicted of a crime? ___Yes   ___No  ___Not Yet   ___Pending
          What crime(s) ________________  

Have you ever been accused of sexual harassment?  ___Once  ___Twice  ___Three or more  
          ___Not yet

Are you a racist? ___Yes        ___No       ___Not Yet  
       Which race(s) do you hate? _____________

Have you ever smoked marijuana?  ___Yes              ___No              ___Not Yet
            Did you inhale?  ___Yes      ___No               ___ Maybe       ___Not Sure  
 
Have you ever used illegal drugs? ___Yes    ___No  ___Not Yet ___Not sure ___Maybe  

Have you ever taken selfies: (check all that apply)       ___ Nude ___ Partially nude ___Just my
     genitalia ___Wearing a racist costume       ___ Having sex ___Drinking ___All of the above
      ___None of the above

Did you ever sext? ___Yes     ___No  ___Not Yet ___Not sure ___Maybe

How would you declare your sexual orientation? (check all that apply) ___Male  ___Female ___Transgender ___ Gay ___ Unknown ___ Not sure ___Other(s)

Are you ethical? ___Yes ___No ___ Sometimes ___ Depends ___ Never ___ Always  

How would you describe your political orientation? (Check all that apply) ___ Right   ___ Left                    ___Center   ___ Left of Center  ___ Right of Center  ___ Dead Center  ___ Top of Center  
        ___ Bottom Feeder  ___Left out   __ Right on        ___ Left Behind     ___ Middle of the Road

How would you describe your financial position? (Check all that Apply) ___ Top 1% 
     ___ Bottom 1%       ___ Bottom 99%       ___ Top 1% of Top 1%   ___Upper Class    
      ___Low Class         ___Middle Class          ___ No Class               ___ Upper Middle Class        
      ___Lower Middle Class ___ Lower Upper Class                              ___Upper Low Class

There should be more. Let me know if you think of some.

I post this story every year for #Valentine’s Day. I’m sorry if you have read it. I like it because it is 80% true, only the names have been changes to protect me, I mean the innocent.

A #Zombie’s Valentine’s Day—A Short Short Story
 
I hate holidays. Not the ones with a three-day weekend, just the ones invented by greeting card companies. One year I forgot Valentine’s Day until the day it arrived. Usually, I order flowers online for my wife. After all, she is the mother of two of our beautiful children, and a third not so beautiful child. In desperation, I drove to the nearest box store.

The scene at the flower department was a disaster; flowers flung everywhere; stems bent, leaves torn and flowers missing petals. I searched desperately for a gift: a small bouquet, a potted plant, or even a single rose. Nothing.

Several other men in my predicament also searched in vain like zombies from the Night of the Living Dead. At some point, I bumped into the department manager. Her hair was in disarray, her blouse wrinkled and stained, and she wore no shoes. I asked if I could get a corsage. She gave me an exasperated look and shook her head.

I decided to use my well-developed technique that seems to help in desperate situations; I began to cry. She took pity on me, put my head on her shoulder, and patted my back. “Perhaps,” she said. “They can make you one in the back.” As I shuffled in the direction she pointed, I heard her shout, “Dead man walking!”

When I arrived at the rear of the store, the scene wasn’t much better. I saw two women making corsages as fast as possible. Both had Band-Aids on every finger. The trash was full of flowers ruined by blood from pricked fingers. As fast as one was made, they put it into a petite white box. When I asked if I could buy one, both women immediately stopped working, and looked at me as though I was the person in the elevator who farted. I was in trouble. The bigger of the two leaned forward.

“Do you realize how many local high schools have Valentine’s Day dances tonight?” Pointing to the stacks of white cardboard boxes, “We still have to make 150 more corsages, and have them ready for pick up in one hour.” I fell back on my proven technique and began to cry; my lower lip quivered, and tears collected in the corners of my eyes. She softened. “Oh God, not another cry baby!” she shouted. “Okay! Okay! You can have one.”

I returned home carrying the corsage like a cat with a prize bird and presented it to my wife. She looked surprised and uttered those words that every man loves to hear. “You remembered!”
​
THE END
 

My newest novel, The Throuple Private Eye—Hate Crimes, was published as an e-book on Amazon ($2.99) on Feb 7, 2020. It will be the first in a series. If you would like to order, the link is https://www.amazon.com/dp/B084LTTHGN. Please spread the word. Below is a short description of the book:

Jen McDowell considered herself lucky. She survived a random attempt on her life by an IED at the cost of both her legs below the knees. Yet, she didn’t die—lucky girl. She was medically retired from the Atlanta Police Department with some medical and disability benefits—lucky girl. She has a hot boyfriend, Jonah Magliozzi, who would do anything to make her happy, even moving in with another boyfriend in a threesome—lucky girl. She started her own business and a new career as a private investigator—lucky girl. She should be happy, but she isn’t.
​
Somewhere in Atlanta is the mother who made the bomb that blew her legs off. She vowed to herself the find him or her and bring them to justice... or kill them, whichever happens first.