Blog Archives - Monte R Anderson - Author

Variations on Paltrow's "Conscious Uncoupling."

3/30/2014

Conscious Uncoupling

There is a lot of media buzz about Gwyneth Paltrow’s remarks about the challenges of motherhood as a famous actor and her posting about “conscious uncoupling” from Chris Martin. I don’t know if “conscious uncoupling” is a new term or a new status on Facebook – changing from “couple” to “uncouple.” It certainly deserves some serious explanation. For mathematic nerds, there are four possible computations and permutations (2 X 2 = 4). They are “conscious uncoupling”, “conscious coupling”, “unconscious uncoupling”, and “unconscious coupling.” I will attempt to explain the differences, as I understand them:

Conscious uncoupling, the term that Paltrow used, would be a separation or divorce. It is also known as Coitus Interruptus in intimate situations.

Conscious coupling is just the opposite; usually engagement or marriage. In many situations, it is sex between consenting adults.

Unconscious uncoupling would be coitus interruptus where one partner, passes out and falls off.

Unconscious coupling occurs when one (or more) partner is unaware of what is happening due to alcohol or drugs.

I hope that helps to clear up any confusion.

The Seduction

3/28/2014

Here is a short story I wrote titled, The Seduction. I wanted to name it the Wolf of Wall Street but someone stole that title. I hope you like it.

Chris Andrews could not believe his incredible luck. He went to the art show looking for an expensive addition to his extensive art collection and met Judy, an art dealer. They seemed to click right away and when he invited her to see his new luxury condominium, she said yes. She was appropriately impressed when the valet drove up in his Porsche 911. Chris had a couple of excellent years as a hedge fund manager and decided to enjoy the fruits of his labors. If his luck continued tonight, he would be in bed with her in twenty minutes – tops.

“Wow!” Judy exclaimed when she walked into Chris’s new condominium. “You go first class all the way.”

Chris smiled. “It suits my needs.”

Judy stood close to Chris and patted his chest. “I’ll bet you have a lot of needs. Oh my gosh! Is that suit handmade?”

“Yes. It is a William Fioravanti suit. I would be embarrassed to tell you the price.”

“I’ll bet. Very nice. I like it. It has to be at least $5,000.” Judy stepped back to admire the suit, but she noticed Chris’s passion being to show through his trousers. She laughed. “Are you happy to see me or is that a rabbit in your pocket?”

Chris laughed. “A cliché but cute!” He put his arm around her and started to kiss her.

Judy pulled her head back. “What is that cologne? I love it.”

“Clive Christian No. 1,” answered Chris as he tried to find the latch on the back of her dress.

“I thought so. Over $800 a bottle and worth every penny.” Judy reached back, unhooked the top of her dress, and turned around for Chris to unzip her.

Chris unzipped her dress half way when, “Oh, oh! My watch snagged on your dress. Hold still.” He untangled his watchband and unzipped her dress the rest of the way.

Judy turned around and looked at his watch. “Nice watch. Rolex?”

“Of course not. It is a Carrera.”

Judy started to untie tie his tie. “Silk tie. Nice touch of class. Dyed, not printed – 100% silk. Italian?’

“Good guess. It is from Napoli Coast - only the best.”

Judy removed his tie and folded over it a chair. She then helped Chris out of his jacket and folded it over the chair. She removed the pen from his coat pocket. “Montblanc,” she said half to herself.

Chris removed his shirt and handed it to her. Judy rubbed her hand over the shirt. “Egyptian cotton, of course,” she said. “Are these real diamond studs?

“Yes,” answered Chris, as he kicked off his Tanino Crisci shoes. “They match the white diamonds on the cufflinks.”

Judy slipped out of her dress. “They match your rings too. You are one classy guy. How much did this condo set you back?”

Chris looked Judy in the eyes. “I am not sure if I’m comfortable with this conversation. Why do you ask that?”

Judy put her arms around Chris and rubbed noses with him. “Because I like you and I might just stay the night. Undo my bra, will you?”

Chris stepped back and held her at arm’s length. “Now I am really uncomfortable with this conversation. I don’t like where this is going.”

Judy laughed. “I thought it was going toward the bedroom.”

“Judy, I am sorry, but I don’t think this is such a good idea after all. Let me call you a cab.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me. You’re joking, right?”

“Are you attracted to me just because of my money?”

Judy laughed. “What makes you think that? I think you are very handsome, but I would still be attracted to you if you had only money.”

“On second thought, the doorman will call you a cab.” Chris handed Judy her dress. “Good night, Judy.”

THE END

Secret Service Drinking, Kentucky Dukes and Social Painting

3/26/2014

Once again, I am shocked, shocked by the news that there is drinking going on in the #Secret Service. The Secret Service sent an agent home after hotel staff in the #Netherlands found him drunk in the hotel.

I have blogged before that I think the Secret Service should have a vow of celibacy as a requirement for employment. It has not happened. Now I think the Secret Services needs a vow of sobriety. (Click to tweet.) Before you think that is ridiculous, it is my understanding that the soldiers that guard the Tomb of the Unknown Soldiers take a vow of sobriety – for life.

Senator Mitch #McConnell’s campaign staff pulled an online video that featured a clip of #Duke basketball players celebrating their 2010 national championship. Duke is, of course, in #North Carolina and a big rival of Kentucky. It’s easy to make that mistake. McConnell’s campaign staff obviously thought that “Duke” is a title much like “Colonel.” The Kentucky Dukes?

It seems that art, especially painting, is now a trend in some bars. In #Philadelphia, pubs are hosting Paint Nite. Customers drink and follow an instructor step-by-step in painting landscape or other scenes. They call it "social painting" and it is rapidly growing in popularity. I remember a scene in the movie Sister Act where the nuns go to a bikers’ bar. One biker says to another, “If this turns into a nuns’ bar I am out of here.” Oh well.

I am going to try that at my house. I will offer drinks and snacks. Guests can have a drink, a paintbrush and any wall. No pictures please – just one color of paint.

Noah calls God on a cellphone.

3/24/2014

There is a lot of media buzz about the new show, Noah which opens in America this week. It is a $130 million blockbuster with #Russell Crowe in the lead role. There is a lot of controversy about the artistic license taken by the director. What if Noah had a cellphone?

#Noah calls #God on his cellphone.

NOAH: Hello, God?

GOD: Yes, Noah?

NOAH: Oh, you have caller ID?

GOD: Don’t need it. I’m all knowing. Sup?

NOAH: I need an extension on that deadline 2 finish the ark. Things are crazy down here.

GOD: No, Noah. I will flood the world on schedule.

NOAH: But, God, first the carpenters went on strike. Then the shipment of tar was delayed. Some of the female animals are in heat and causing riots. Plus, the village passed a new ordinance that says I can’t build a structure that high. Now the Coast Guard wants me to install lifeboats and life vests.

GOD: Finish the ark on time.

NOAH: But God, the lions and tigers keep eating the others, so I have to constantly get replacements. I took on two rabbits and now I have 58 rabbits. Don’t even ask me about the flies. The code enforcement inspectors want bribes.

GOD: No extension!

NOAH: But God. You don’t know how bad things are down here.

GOD: No, Noah, I DO know. That’s why I am sending the flood. Any questions?

NOAH: Just one; what’s a cubit?

I received several comments on my last blog about profanity in the military. Most of the comments were from veterans. Apparently, there is profanity in the military. Who knew?

Profanity in the Army? Say it isn’t so, Jeffery.

3/22/2014

Profanity?

I was shocked when I read the news about Brig Gen. Jeffrey Sinclair's conviction for sexual misconduct. He pleaded to adultery, inappropriate relationships, possession of pornography, mistreating his mistress (no details, please) and the use of profanity. Profanity? Paraphrasing the words of Captain Louis Renault (played by Claude Rains) in the movie Casablanca, I am shocked, shocked to learn that there is profanity in the Army! (Click to tweet)

I have been retired from the Army since 1990 and I recall that at that time there was a lot of profanity in the military. It was the Vietnam/Cold War era. After serving for 22 years, I think I earned a black belt in profanity. I never thought I could get court martialed for it. In Vietnam, I always thought that we could shorten very conversation by half by removing the profanity; every other word was a cuss word. Our official battalion motto was No Slack. Somehow, in combat, it evolved to No F---ing Slack.

I later served as a company commander in a mechanized battalion (3ID) in Germany. During an annual training test (ARTEP), a signal unit monitored 1000 radio transmissions from my company, and only four violations were found – all profanity used by me. I will admit that there were times when profanity seemed appropriate based on the situation. It seems that certain words that once were profane have now become acceptable in everyday usage, if TV is any gauge.

As a rule, profanity is not appropriate. I wrote about the use of profanity in my e-book, Leadership for New Managers: Book Two, http://smashwords.com/b/300090.

We need a Stupidity Law

3/20/2014

Stupidity Law

I have long favored a Stupidity Law. Whenever someone does something stupid not covered under another law, officials can use the Stupidity Law to prosecute (click to tweet). It may be too late to stop Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus, or Kanye West but it might be a deterrent in the future. We can only hope. Here are some incidents, which might fall under the Stupidity Law:

1. On March 18, police officers descended on a man in Maine. A tree removal crew reported that he was armed. It turned out that he had an actual sized tattoo of a handgun on his stomach that looked tucked into his belt. He was lucky that the police didn’t tell him to place the gun on the ground by the count of three or they would shoot. #Tattoo of a gun? That might be fun at airports, etc. Of course, he does have the right to bare tattoos. Freedom of Speech might also cover him. The Stupidity Law would apply.

2. I wrote about this previously. A #marijuana user left a large quantity of marijuana among some clothes donated to a Salvation Army outlet. The police could not identify the donor. If they could – Stupidity Law violation.

3. You may be following the trial of the Olympics athlete, #Oscar Pistorius, who police charged with first-degree murder in Pretoria, #South Africa. He shot his girlfriend because he thought she was an intruder. If that wasn’t stupid enough, the prosecution brought up an incident that happened earlier at a restaurant. Seems that Pistorius accidently shot a friend in the foot when he fired a pistol inside a Johannesburg restaurant. One friend passed a loaded gun to Pistorius under the table. The gun was loaded with one round in the chamber and, apparently, the safety off. The gun went off and shot another friend in the toe. You have to wonder about a friend who would pass a loaded gun with one round in the chamber and the safety off to another friend under the table. Duh! What could possibly go wrong? You also have to wonder about someone who pulls the trigger to see if a gun is loaded. The Stupidity Law would apply in this case.

4. Another item concerned two students at a New York state college. Police charged them with abusing a dog by getting it drunk. The evidence against them was a tweet about the party that included pictures of the two men holding the dog upside down over a keg and forcing it to drink beer. The police charged the two men with torturing and injuring an animal. Police rescued the dog but it declined to press charges. It said it could not remember what happened. If the two can’t be charged for under age drinking, then the Stupidity Law would get them.

5. I’m sure you may have other examples.

Bucket List for College Students

3/17/2014

Bucket List?

I read with interest a recent article by Peter Jacobs published in the March 15 issue of Business Insider. The title was, “10 Things Every College Student Needs To Do Before Graduation,” a bucket list of sorts. Even though it has been a long time since I graduated college, I don’t agree with Peter. When one considers that these students will be looking for jobs after graduation, I feel some of Peters bucket list might even be harmful. I posted Peter’s bucket list below, followed by my comments:

1. Write an article for a campus publication. As innocent as this may seem, the subject matter is very important. Just before graduation might not be the best time for your article on how to cheat on your taxes and not be caught.

2. Crash a party where you don't know anyone and make a friend. Peter should clarify this. I don’t think a drinking party is the ideal party to crash. Try the Tea Party or the Democratic Party.

3. Take a trip off campus and explore your surrounding area. No argument here.

4. Take pride in where you go by showing off your school to a prospective student. Okay but show the academic stuff, not where to buy drugs or pick up dates.

5. Go to a game against your school's biggest rival and be the loudest voice in the stands. Sounds innocent enough, but stop and think; do you want your picture on You Tube for looking and acting outrageous before your interview for that job as a financial planner?

6. Sit in on a lecture just because you are interested in the subject matter. Try to stay awake. Take along your friend from the party you crashed.

7. Take advantage of the sunshine and spend your day drinking. Repeat at night. Ill-advised at best. Moderation in everything. Do not take selfies and post them to the internet while drinking. Do not drive while drinking.

8. Attend an event from a friend’s culture and learn something about his or her background. This could be the friend you made at the party you crashed. Let’s hope he’s sober.

9. Sing along to your alma mater whether you know the words or not. Here is a trick I learned as a leader in scouting where they sing many camping songs. Just keep mouthing the word “alligator.” It looks like you know the words. Of course, as long as you are attending a lecture, crashing a party, or attending a cultural event, why not learn the words to your alma mater? If you are going to take pride in the school you attend and be the loudest at a school sporting event, why would you not know your alma mater? Hail!

10. See something that makes you angry? Protest it. Angry? Again, do you want a misdemeanor or felony on your record just before you start your job search? Perhaps you should sign up for that anger management class that your significant other suggested. Pick something relative. For example, if you plan to go into the law field, protest lawyer jokes.

More Life Lessons from my #Greyhounds

3/15/2014

Prada & Groovy

Two days ago, I wrote about the best life lessons that I learned from my two adopted, greyhounds, Prada and Grove. I received a good response for that blog, but I forgot two very important lessons that hey taught me – how to appreciate the simpler things in life and how to live in the moment.

They need exercise and so do I, so I take them for walks. They like to stop and smell the roses. And the rocks. And the trees. And the flowers. The simple things in life. I am a mission-oriented person, and I sometimes get annoyed at this behavior. I just want to finish the walk. I tell them, “It is just a rock, girls.” (They are both females.)

At the same time, I envy them. They have that rare ability to find simply, everyday things fascinating and interesting. They live in the moment and enjoy every second of life. They are like children in that sense. We grownups have lost that fascination with the simple things of life and living in the moment. We are so focused on the future that we’ve forgotten how to live in the movement.

When my children were very young, rocks and trees fascinated them. One day, my youngest son found a rock that had a prominent feature that looked like a nose, like my nose. He declared it a “Daddy Rock,” and it joined our family. I was in the military so we moved frequently. We carted that rock everywhere until my son went to college. Somehow, when he went to college, it stopped being a “Daddy Rock” and became a simple rock again. It was as if an education makes people no longer fascinated by the simple things in life. They lose the ability to enjoy the moments that make up life. That is sad, I think.

I want to be like my dogs and kids. I want to be able to take my pets for a walk and say, “Wow! Look girls! A rock! How fascinating! Let’s stop and enjoy it.” I’m working on it.

Best Life Lessons from my #Greyhounds

3/13/2014

Prada and Groovy

I have two greyhounds, Prada (9) and Groovy (8), or maybe they have me. They have taught me a great deal about life - lessons that apply to people as well. Here is what I have learned:

1. They have taught me that the best love is unconditional. They never ask how much money I earn or how famous I am. They just love me the way I am and want me to love them. Pass it on.

2. My greyhounds are always glad to see me no matter how long or short I have been gone. We should treat each other the same way.

3. Prada and Groovy are nice to each other and very affectionate. They don’t carry grudges and they don’t stay mad for very long. The world should learn how to do that.

4. Greyhounds have boundaries. For example, Prada has her own bed and she hides treats there. If Groovy tries to lie down or steal a treat, Prada will let her know clearly to back off. People have boundaries too. We all have a favorite chair or coffee mug or desk. We should honor those boundaries: less drama that way.

5. They look out for each other. If one of them is injured and has to wear one of those neck collars to keep from licking the wound, the other dog will lick it for her. People should do that; lick each other’s wounds. It will help healing whatever hurts.

6. My greyhounds like to be petted or stroked. Don’t we all? We should all stroked each other by saying something nice or complementing each other - often.

7. Greyhounds don’t bark much. They can if there is danger or they want to warn me. Now days with all the social media, it seems people do a lot of excessive barking. We should learn to bark and complain less. All that excessive barking and complaining just creates tension and seldom solves anything. Give it a rest.

8. Even as old as Prada and Groovy are, they still like to run and play. They will race each other or play keep away with a toy. You are never too old to play.

9. If I hurt their feelings, they find a way to get even. They will find my shoe, a belt or a slipper and tear it up. People are the same way. If you hurt someone, they will get revenge when you least expect it so make amends.

10. Sarcasm is wasted on pets and people (click to tweet). It is the cruelest form of humor and best left alone.

Rules for college drinking parties

3/11/2014

College Drinking

In the past, I have posted rules for robbers and other criminals because they make such stupid mistakes. Now it appears that even college students could use some guidelines to avoid arrest. A story in the news today reports that police charged two students at a New York state college for abusing a dog by getting it drunk. The evidence against them was a tweet about the party that included pictures of the two men holding the dog upside down over a keg and forcing it to drink beer. The police charged the two men with torturing and injuring an animal. They didn't charge these two underage drinkers underage drinking. Police rescued the dog. The dog declined to press charges. It said it could not remember what happened. There is no truth to the rumor that the dog is now in rehab.

I am sure that the two students were trying to follow the Golden Rule, “Do unto others...”, when they held the dog over a beer keg and got it drunk. However, the SPCA takes a dim view on this behavior. You can do it to people but not to animals. I know that New York states schools aren't known for the best and the brightest students, but this act goes beyond stupid. Obviously, these students need some help in running drinking parties. I have drafted some rules to help them:

1. Collect all cellphones, cameras and any recording devices at the door.

2. Have all attendees sign a non-disclosure form that includes tweeting and posting any mention of a party on the internet.

3. Absolutely no animals! Well, maybe that snake that exotic dancer wears and nothing else.

4. All animals must be 21 years old to drink. That includes college students.

5. It is considered rude to hold people or animals upside down over a beer keg. The proper way to do this is to hold the beer keg over the student.

6. Don’t put state college students in charge of the beer keg. Look for a private college student.

7. All attendees should have current rabies shots.

8. Don’t advertise on social media; use word of mouth.

9. Don’t invite police, college faculty or the SPCA.

10. Just in case, have a designated pet handler to stay sober and to protect the pets.