Blog Archives - Monte R Anderson - Author

#WarrenBuffet to Merge #Kraft Foods and H.J. #Heinz; Look for New Products

3/30/2015

The media is all a buzz about the pending merger of Kraft and Heinz. Rumor has it that there may be some mergers of products too. Here are some possibilities I'm looking forward to:

1. Heinz/Kraft Jell-O Cheese. The newest flavor on the block now combines two of your favorites. It comes in single slices or bricks.

2. Classico Shake & Bake. The quickest way to make chicken Marsala is now at your finger tips..

3. Ore-Ida Cool Whip. Finally, get the traditional potato flavor you desire in Cool Whip. Available in regular or sweet potatoes.

4. Planters Mustard. Get that crunchiness you love in mustard. You'll go nuts over the flavor.

5. Worcestershire Cool-Aid. The kick that was always missing in your favorite drink.

Any other ideas?

Super Undercover Agent

3/27/2015

I enjoy watching #TV shows like #PersonofInterest, #Intelligence and #Leverage. If you're a fan, you know when the agents go undercover they use ear buds that transmit and receive so they can communicate. Everyone knows that. So why is it that the mega-corporate outfits that are behind all the evil in the world never bother to check in ears when they do a pat down? Surely, at least one employee has a TV and watches the shows. I would like to see one scene that follows the script (formated for my blog) below:

KEN ENTERS. Ken is a super undercover agent. Security stops him at the entrance of a meg-corporation (the one behind all evil in the world) after passing through the scanner.

TINY sits at a desk in front of Ken. She is a female ex-wrestler now working security.

TINY: Sir, you just made my day.

KEN: What seems to be the problem?

TINY: Well, sir, our scanner indicated that you have a few items that you'll have to leave here. You can pick them up when you leave the facility.

KEN: Like what?

TINY: (chuckles) Let’s start with the pistol in your waistband.

KEN: I've a permit to carry a concealed weapon. I've a constitutional right to bear arms.

TINY: True. However, we've the right to keep you out of this private property if you've a weapon, Surrender the piece or leave.

KEN: (removes pistol and places it on the desk) Okay. I forgot I even had it.

TINY: The other one too.

KEN: What other one?

TINY: The one strapped to your right calf.

KEN: (Removes second pistol) Now I feel naked.

TINY: I wish. We don’t allow cellphone either. Leave your cellphone.

Ken takes out his cellphone and places it on the desk.

TINY: Now the other one.

KEN: What other one?

TINY: The one strapped to your left calf.

Ken removes the second cellphone.

TINY: Our scanner indicates that you have ear buds.

KEN: No. No. That must be a false reading. I have nothing in my ears.

TINY: If you insist. (yells) Max!

ENTER MAXIMO, a former sumo wrestler now working security. He holds a large hand-held magnet to the side of Ken’s head. A small ear communication device pops out. He does the same to Ken’s other ear and another device pops out.

KEN: Oh. You mean those?

TINY: (giggling) Our scanner indicated that you have another device in your colon. Please remove that device too.

KEN: Now that’s too much. That has to be a mistake.

TINY: Okay, play it your way. Max!

Maximo starts toward Ken with the magnet.

KEN: Oh, you know what? I think I'm in the wrong place. I should be in the next building. I'll just leave. Sorry for any inconvenience. Bye.

TINY: (to herself) God, I love this job.

Frats in Trouble or is it “Boys will be Boys?”

3/25/2015

Attention college bound male students:

Are you a racist?

Do you like binge drinking?

Do you like to secretly take pictures of naked or partially naked women and secretly share them with your friends?

Do you like to haze and harass people almost to death (okay, occassionaly to death)?

Do you like to take selfies of your junk and send it to unsuspecting women?

If so, consider joining* the fastest growing fraterity on college campuses, the Keg Kunt Klan** (KKK***)

Many of our alumni have gone on to become #police officers, #SecretService agents and #congressmen.

*Minorities, gays, and serious students need not apply.

**Not affilated with the Ku Klux Klan. We are an independent hate group.

***Not affilated with Kappa Kappa Kappa, also known as Tri-Kap, at Dartmouth.

Secret Service Needs New Oaths

3/23/2015

The #SecretService is in the news once again. This time two senior-level Secret Service agents were "inebriated" and crashed into the White House grounds. This, of course, is not the first time agents have had problems holding their liquor. You may recall the incident in the Amsterdam one year ago when three agents were sent back for an alleged night of drinking. One of the agents was found passed out in a hotel hallway. It's no secret that agents also have a problem keeping it in their pants. Remember back in April of 2012 when a Secret Service agents brought strippers to their hotel in Colombia before the presidential visit to attend the Summit of the Americas? The solution is simple; the Secret Service agents need to take vows of celibacy and sobriety as a condition for employment. I would list these two immediately following, “I vow to take a bullet for the President if necessary.”

If Thoughts Could Kill, a #ShortStory

3/20/2015

Angelina allowed herself a small snicker as the focus of her ire came down for breakfast. God I hate him, she thought. Look at that idiot. Little does he know that I am going to kill him next week. I can’t stand the sight of him. “

Good morning, dear,” Ravi said as he poured himself a cup of coffee. “How did you sleep last night?” I wish she died in her sleep. That would make everything easier, he thought. I HAVE to kill her next week. He sat down at the table opposite her. Angelina handed Ravi the half-and-half.

“Fine. And you?” Ravi blew on the surface of his coffee, a habit that Angelina found extremely annoying, and took one sip. Blood began to drip from his nostrils. As he reached up to touch his face, foam began to pour out of his mouth. He looked at Angelina with those narrow beady eyes as his head hit the table with a thud. Then his head rolled off the table, across the kitchen floor and into the dog’s dish where Peppy, the greyhound, began to lick his face.

"Like a baby.” Ravi grabbed the bagel knife and reaching across the table, stabbed Angelina’s hand, pinning it to the table. Pulling a pistol from the back of his waistband, he shot Angelina between the eyes. He smiled as the back of her head blew out like a smashed watermelon. Blood spouted out the top of her head and down onto the flannel nightgown that he hated. “Do you have plans this weekend?”

“No, not really.” Angelina poured another cup of coffee. Yes, you bastard, Angelina thought. While you’re banging your slutty mistress across town, I have to buy some antifreeze for your coffee. Then I have to stop off at the gun shop and pick up the pistol that has been on hold while my background check is in progress. I also want to find your old hunting knife.

“Me neither.” Ravi sipped his coffee. I wish I had a slutty mistress across town so I could spend the day banging her while you waste money on another facial. He finished his coffee and stood up. “Well, I am going to get dressed and do some yard work.”

“You do that, dear. I think I’ll go into town and get a facial.” What an idiot. He is worth millions but wears the same pair of underwear for years. I can’t wait to kill him.

“Have fun. Pick up something for dinner.” As Ravi walked out of the kitchen, the kitchen exploded in a ball of fire. Apparently, someone left the gas on in the oven.

“Ciao,” answered Angelina. As Ravi reached the top of the stairs, the top step gave way. He grabbed the railing and that also gave way. He fell over the side and landed on his head in the living room. His eyes were open and glued to the TV. The thought of it made Angelina smile.

“Angie, I can’t find my lucky underwear.” What a bitch. I bet she threw them out.

“I threw them out, dear. I’ll buy you some new ones while I’m in town.” I GOTTA kill him next week.

Ravi shook his head. I GOTTA kill her next week.

The End

Congressman Aaron #Schock Can't Handle Tough Questions

3/19/2015

I read in the news that another Republican Congressman has resigned rather than face the scrutiny of the press. Congressman Aaron Schock from Illinois announced that he would resign effective March 31. In a statement he said “The constant questions over the last six weeks have proven a great distraction that has made it too difficult for me to serve the people of the 18th District with the high standards that they deserve and which I have set for myself.” He was being questioned about thousands of dollars in mileage reimbursements he received for his personal vehicle. He was reimbursed for 90,000 miles more than his car was driven. Duh? He was also being criticized for spending $40,000 of tax payer money to redecorate his office to look like a scene from Downton Abbey, using private charter planes for official government business, buying concert tickets, trips overseas and other travel. Now who hasn't done that?

Illinois has a reputation for corrupt politicians such as Rod Blagojevich, ex-governor, who was convicted on 17 charges. Here is a list of the questions that Schock may have found distracting:

1. Congressman, are you a thief?

2. You claimed more miles for travel reimbursement than you actually drove. What were you thinking?

3. Did you misappropriate government funds?

4. What else are you hiding?

5. Was ex-governor Blagojevich your mentor?

6. Did you have sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky? No wait. Wrong politician.

I think there is more to this scandal than meets the eye. There will be more shocking revelations. You bet! Schock resigned early in order to stop further probes into his affairs; probably too late.

Punography is Good for the Funny Bone

3/18/2015

I saw this item on Facebook. I don’t know who wrote it, but I think it is hilarious. You might say it is punny. I have always been a fan of puns or any play on words. When I saw, this I had to share it. I hope you like it too. It’s titled “Punography.”

I tried to catch some fog but I mist.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
PMS jokes aren't funny. Period.
A soldier who survived mustard gas is well seasoned.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.
How dose Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.
I didn't like my beard at first but then it grew on me. We became attached.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
It girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I never herbivore.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had Type O blood but it was a Type O.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

I When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. We became quite attached.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

The girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had Type A blood, but it was a Type O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

#OK Student Expelled for Racism Apologizes for Singing

3/16/2015

One of the two U of #OK (not to be confused with You Okay) students expelled for racist singing apologized. He was a member of the now defunct #SigmaAlphaEpsilon fraternity. He said, “I am deeply sorry for what I did Saturday night. It was wrong and reckless. I made a horrible mistake by joining into the singing and encouraging others to do the same." Duh? I hate to be the picker of nits but what is he sorry about? He didn't apologize for being a racist. He apologized for singing. Apparently, he is a very poor singer. Since he wants to go that route, I have taken the liberty of drafting a new confession that speaks more clearly to his heart:“I'm sincerely sorry that I was caught on video singing racist chants. Those who know me know that I can't sing a lick or carry a tune. It's regrettable that I even encouraged others to sing off key. This isn't going to look good on my resume. I'm also sorry that I allowed cellphones and cameras on the bus. In the future I'll do a thorough pat down for phones, cameras and wires. Anyone found with these devices will be thrown under the bus. I am very disappointed that the frat code of “What Happens at SAE, stays at SAE” was violated -- So much for brotherhood. If you need to contact me in the future, I'll be doing an internship with the KKK. Sieg Heil!”

Marijuana Flies Out the Window of the SUV in Arizona

3/13/2015

I read with interest that in Casa Grande, AZ deputies were conducting a high-speed chase of an SUV. The suspects began to throw bails of #marijuana out the window of the SUV. A sheriff's department spokesperson said that they didn't recovered all the bales of #pot. Duh? As many as 22 bales of pot were thrown out a window during the chase. Do they think that pot grows on trees? Some vehicles were seen stopping to pick up the bales or partial bales. One has to wonder if arrested, would these people be charged with tampering with evidence – assuming there is any evidence left. Apparently, there is no truth to the rumor that the sheriff issued a APB; All Pot Bails. Had this happened in Washington or Denver, the suspects would have been charged with littering. Rumor has it that their lawyer said they can't be charged with intent to sell or distribution because they were giving it away for free. This incident gives new meaning to the term “high-speed” chase.

Intensive Rehabilitation Therapy for Politicians

3/11/2015

I read with interest, the only way to read, that Senator #BobMenendez is under investigation for doing a lot of favors for a rich doctor who returned the favors. As the scandal unfolds, I expect that he will announce that he will undergo “Intense Therapy” to cure his addiction for money. I was able to obtain from a confidential source a copy of the “intense therapy” that seems to be so popular now with politicians who misbehave. The program known as Bogus and Unauthentic Legalized Larceny and Spurious Hypocritical Intense Therapy (BULL SHT) is used through the USA to help politicians keep their elected position. Below is a copy of the curriculum which is intended to last for one week.

Sunday Optional Mixer

Join us in a mixer for all attendees Sunday night at 7 PM until ? Meet the instructors and fellow politicians who have fallen from grace. Open bar and free marijuana tasting (not yet available in all states).

Monday Session

How to Hold a Press Conference 101: Learn how to deny charges without using the telltale signs for lying. Learn how to say “intense therapy” with a straight face. Learn how to pronounce new words like “paparazzi”. Learn how to use different words when confronted by paparazzi – Instructor #AlexBaldwin. Panel discussion with panelists Anthony Weiner, Eliot Spitzer and #ArnoldSchwarzenegger with special guest instructor #ChrisChristie.

Tuesdays Sessions

Money Laundering for Beginners: Learn how to hide your “extra income” from the IRS and special investigators -- Instructor #JessieC.JacksonJr.

Wednesday Sessions

There is Life After Politics: Learn how to conduct a job search. Learn how to market your special skills -- Instructors #EliotSpitzer and #NewtGingrich.

Thursday Sessions

Staying Under the Radar: Learn to to keep from being caught. Learn the best hiding places for your money – Instructor #KarlRowe.

Friday Sessions

Yes, You Can* Be Re-elected: Instructor #MarkSanford, re-elected Congressman for South Carolina.

How to Publicly Apologized and Look Sincere: Instructors Anthony Weiner, Eliot Spitzer and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Closing Ceremony: Graduation ceremony for those who have not dropped out of the program or were arrested.