If you follow the news from the #White House press briefings, you know that Sean #Spicer snapped at a female reporter, April #Ryan from the American Urban Radio Networks, telling her to "stop shaking your head." Obviously, the problem is a lack of clear guidelines for correspondents. To clear the air and calm everyone down, I propose these rules:
 
The White House Correspondents’ Ten Commandments
1.      Thy shall not shake thy head.
2.      Thy shall not nod thy head.
3.      Thy shall leave your f*****g head still.
4.      Thy shall not roll thy eyes.
5.      Thy shall not sigh loudly.
6.      Thy shall not mutter to thy self such things like “unbelievable”, or “you’ve got to be kidding”, or “alternative facts”.
7.      Thy shall not ask hard questions.
8.      Thy shall not ask thoughtful or insightful questions.
9.      Thy shall not ask a question unless thy knoweth the answer already.
10.  Thy shall not seek truth, knowledge or a straight answer.
If fact, just don’t ask any questions.

I hope this helps.
​
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#Area 51 is a remote detachment of Edwards Air Force Base, 83miles north-northwest of #Las Vegas in #Nevada. The base's primary purpose is top secret; however, it most likely supports development and testing of aircraft and weapons systems. It also houses alleged unidentified flying objects (#UFOs) that crashed nearby. Rumors persist that visiting aliens live in the barracks. Okay, you all knew that much.
 
Did you ever wonder about the other areas like Area 50, Area 49, and Area 52, etc.? Those areas are top secret too. You may wonder how I know that. Well, have you ever heard of them? No? There you go. I obtained a top-secret list of those top-secret areas from a top-secret confidential source. I won’t bore you with the entire list. I will just name a few:
 
Area 13. Locally called “Trump-scare,” Area 13 is the location where the new GOP Affordable Healthcare Act was developed.
 
Area 007. This area houses all the data that is gathered by the #CIA and #NSA. Its affectionately referred to as the Home of the SS (Super Snoopers). One entire building is devoted just to telephone conversations and wire taps. Another has all the e-mails you thought disappeared into a cyber black hole. Training on turning microwaves into spying devices is conducted here.
 
Area EZ1040. It’s at this area where all the tax codes are taken and revised to be impossible to understand. It also stores all the Presidential tax returns under armed guard.
 
Area 411. This area is where alternative facts and fake news are developed. It was here that the alleged Russian interference in 2016 election and Trump's wiretapping allegations against Obama were developed. Judge Napolitano, formerly from Fox News, is a consultant for this area.
 
Area IT. The area is used strictly for Intensive Therapy (IT). It contains an 18-hole golf course, a swimming pool and tennis courts. Anthony Weiner, Bob #Filner and others graduated from the one-week course. Many graduates say that the therapy has improved their golf handicap by as much 10 strokes.
 
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Let’s face facts; we have problems that need to be solved. Homelessness is one such problem.

In January 2015, there were 564,708 homeless on a given night in the US. Of that number, 83,170 are considered "chronically homeless”. Usually, the solutions put forth by politicians are so complex no one can understand them, let alone implement them. Politicians think to be acceptable, a solution must be complex. Not true. Sometimes the right solution is simple and maybe even counter intuitive or hard to implement. Two of the causes for homelessness are lack of shelter or housing and unemployment for the homeless.
 
Employment: Here are some ideas for employment for the homeless:
1.      Rent a Zombie for a Day. Volunteer makeup artists make the homeless look like zombies who then hire out by the hour or day for parties.
2.      Tour a Zombie Zone. Areas where homeless congregate could be turned into zombie zones for tour buses. Again, volunteer makeup artists would be needed.
3.      Rent a Boyfriend/Girlfriend. People could hire a homeless person as a boyfriend or girlfriend to make parents shut up about finding someone and stop trying to set up dates.
4.      Rent a Plus One. No one needs to go single to another wedding or party when they can rent a homeless person. Veterans would cost extra (12% of all homeless adults are vets).
5.      Rent a Snitch. Police could pay homeless people for leads. They could supply them with body cams to catch criminals.
6.      Rent a Vote. Politicians could hire homeless to vote. They could even be bused into Massachusetts.
7.      Rent a Homeless Person to Impress Your Friends (vets cost extra). People could hire a homeless person to impress their friends or to impress college admittance boards.
8.      Rent a Protester. Political activists could hire homeless people to swell the ranks of protesters. They could even hire them as counter protesters for staged confrontation to ensure making the evening news.
9.      Trash Pick-up. Homeless people already pick up aluminum cans and copper for cash from recycle yards. If cities would offer a flat rate for trash – say one dollar a pound – the homeless could keep parks and roads clean.
10.  Rent a Passenger. People who live in big cities sometimes need a passenger so they can use the High Occupancy Vehicle (HOV) lane. Pick up a homeless person for a passenger.  
Cost will vary by distance.
11.  Rent a Line Up. Police always need warm bodies for police line ups. Why not hire homeless persons?
12.  Save a Parking Space. Often when people want to attend a popular sporting or entertainment event, they can’t find a parking spot. Homeless people will camp out on a parking spot and save it for a fee.
13.  Save a Place in Line. Sometime people would like to go shopping on Black Friday or buy tickets to a popular event but hate to stand in line. Rent a homeless person to camp out in line to save a space.
14.  References. Need references for your resume or job application? Hire homeless references.  
15.  Extras for Zombie or Disaster Movies. Zombie or disaster movies need lots of extras. Homeless people could fill the need, Zombie movies will require some make up but homeless people are ready made for disaster movies. Standard pay is $50 per day plus lunch.
 
Shelter: Here are some ideas for shelter for the homeless:
1.      The simplest solution to the homeless problem is for people with homes adopt a homeless person. There are 43.7 M residences in the US. That’s 77+ homes for each homeless person. Done deal – except no wants to adopt a homeless person.
2.      Another solution would be to use vacant houses or building as shelters for homeless. According to Amnesty International USA, vacant houses outnumber homeless people by five times. Some charities have bought buildings to develop into housing for the homeless.
3.      Cities could also allow homeless people to live in their car, if they have a car, in city owned parking lots.
4.      Certain cities could allow homeless to camp out in small tents on city property.
5.      Here are some ideas for shelters:
a.       Dumpsters – A dumpster turned on its side with the covers propped open makes a nice home with a porch.
b.      Shipping containers make an even larger shelter.
c.       The cardboard from two or three mattress boxes can be made into a shelter. A little plastic, and it’s water proof.
d.      Over passes often have unused space under them that can be converted into shelters.
e.       Let’s not forget using empty jails cells. Jails would provide free meals.
 
Of course, there’re other serious issues concerning the homeless, but shelters and employment are high on the list. Causes of homelessness in the US include, but are not limited to lawful eviction, PTSD, mental health, natural disasters, drug abuse, gambling, and low-paying jobs.
 
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Let’s face facts; we have problems that need to be solved. Wealth inequality is one such problem. Only the top 10% of Americans are seeing their wealth grow while the rest get less and less wealth. Everyone is aware of this national problem. Here are more statistics:
The gap between the top 10% and the middle class is over 1,000%; that increases another 1,000% for the top 1%. Per PolitiFact and others, in 2011 the 400 wealthiest Americans "have more wealth than half of all Americans combined."
 
Usually, the solutions put forth by politicians are so complex no one can understand them, let alone implement them. Politicians think to be acceptable, a solution must be complex. Not true. Sometimes the right solution is simple and maybe even counter intuitive or hard to implement. Most people think that it can be solved by taxing the rich and giving to the poor through tax breaks. Yeah, right. It hasn’t worked yet. I will attempt to point out the obvious and simple solution to wealth inequality. The problem is excessive profits, excessive inheritance, excessive wealth and excessive salaries. Note the word “excessive”.
 
Excessive Profits: Consumers pay too much for products and services that provide excess profits to the rich. There should be better transparency on the real cost of products and services. We already have labels for nutrition and the country where the product is made. I propose adding more information to the label. Here are the items that should be placed on a label on all products and disclosed for all services:
·         The actual percent of the cost that is contributed toward profit. If we knew this, most of us would not purchase anything with excessive mark up. I think 10% or less is a fair profit.
·         The salaries of the CEO, the Chairman of the Board, the CFO and the salary of the lowest paid employee. It must include all the perks, stock options and golden parachutes.
·         The percentage of the product or service that is from outside of the US.
 
Excessive Inheritance: We all know people who are born with a “silver spoon” in their mouth. It gives them a substantial head start in life with access to the best education and employment. The rich just keep getting richer and so do their kids. According to the Institute for Policy Studies, "over 60 percent" of the Forbes richest 400 Americans "grew up in substantial privilege".
I propose that the government establish limits on inheritance. No one should inherit more than $1M. Anything above that goes to the government.
 
Excessive Wealth: The media reported that the top wealthiest 1% possess 40% of the nation’s wealth; the bottom 80% own only 7%. That’s not right. I propose that the government establish limits on wealth. No one have more wealth than established by the government. Pick a number. I think $10M is a good number. Anything above that goes to the government.
 
Excessive Income and Salaries: The media reported, the "richest 1% in the US now have more additional income than the bottom 90%". The media goes on to say that the average employee "needs to work more than a month to earn what a CEO earns in one hour.” That’s not right.
·         I propose that the government establish a ratio between the salary of the CEO and the lowest paid employee. It must include all the perks, stock options and golden parachutes. Pick a number. I think 300 to 1 is a good ratio.
·         If the CEO gets a raise, everyone must get a raise.
·         All for-profit companies must have profit sharing.
 
This won’t solve the inequality, but it’s a start.
 
AUTHOR’S NOTE: To the humorously challenged, this is a satire. I think.
 
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I read with interest an item on my newsfeed (Life Style) from Brides Magazine, “The 7 Phrases That Are Ruining Your Relationship.” Now I’ve been married twice, so I speak from experience when I say, “Not even close.” The article listed these phases:

1. "I'm sorry, but ..." There’s always a “but” isn’t there?
2. "Yeah? Well, you ..." We men know our only defense is to say, “I’m sorry and it won’t happen again.”
3. "You always ..."
4. "I'm fine."
5. "I told you ..."
6. "You're just like ..."
7. "You're overreacting."

All true but not all that damaging. Here are the other phrase/sentences, based on my experience, that will ruin your relationship:

1.      If you’re a man – “I think your best friend/mother/daughter is hot.” For a woman – “I think your best friend/father/son is hot.”
2.      “Can I wear your panties and bra?”
3.      “I think the condoms I use have been recalled.”
4.      “The voices in your head are starting to annoy me.”
5.      “Have you seen my pet cobra?”
6.      “Did you take my pipe bombs?”
7.      “My coffee tastes like antifreeze.”
8.      “Let’s play Russian Roulette.”
9.      “My parole officer would like to meet you.”
10.  “Did I mention that my divorce isn’t final yet?”

Trust me – these comments will sabotage your relationship.
​
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I just finished reading an article in the AARP Bulletin, titled “50 Great Ways to Live Longer.” Right away I knew I had to change my unhealthy ways and calculate my new longevity. My father lived to be 80 years old, so I always figured I’d live that long at least. I did the math below:
 
If I cut back on my pain pills, I would decrease my chances of heart attack or stroke by 10%. That adds 8 years (don’t get caught up in the details) to my life. That brings my life expectancy to 88 years.
 
If I get less than six hours of sleep, my chances of dying increases by 12%. Therefore, if I can get in six hours of sleep, my life expectancy increase to 98.5 years. Looking good so far.
 
If I can stay married, I have a 46% lower risk of death compared to never married men. My life expectancy increases to 143+ years (1.46* 98.5). This might be a tough one.
 
By drinking coffee, I add another 15% to my life, bring my life expectancy to 165 years (143*1.15). I already drink coffee, so no biggy.
 
Eating three or more servings of whole grains per day, reduces my death by 20%. Now my life expectancy is up to 198 (165*1.20). I may start to moo.
 
Eating hot peppers reduces the death rate by 13%, bringing my expectancy to 223+ years. I’m on a roll here.
 
Drinking whole milk can add eight to ten years to my life. My life expectancy now increases to 233 years (223 + 10).
 
Switching to a vegetarian diet can deduce my death rate by 12%. As much as I love meat, this switch would add 28 years to my life. Life expectancy is now 261 years (233 + 28).
 
Stopping smoking reduces mortality by 15% or more. Now I expect to live to 300 (261*1.15%).
 
Loneliness increases the risk of early death by 45%. Therefore, if I stay social, I can add 135 years (300*.45%) to my life. I may live for 435 years.
 
My new plan to live to be over 400 is simple -- cut back on pain pills, sleep six hours, stay married, drink coffee, eat three servings of whole grains per day, eat hot peppers, drink whole milk, switch to a vegetarian diet, stop smoking, stay social. You can’t argue with math. See you in 400 years.
 
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Let’s face facts; we have problems that need to be solved. Illegal drug use is one such problem. The War on Drugs has been a failure. Usually, the solutions put forth are so complex no one can understand them, let alone implement them. Politicians think to be acceptable, a solution must be complex. Not true. Sometimes the right solution is simple and maybe even counter intuitive or hard to implement. I will attempt to point out the obvious and simple solution.
 
The real solution is simple – if you can’t beat them, join them. Stop the War on Drugs and get with the program. The US government should get into the drug business. I propose that the government buy drugs and sell them. I don’t mean buy drug from #South American cartels; I mean buy directly from the farmers in South America. This would cut out the middle men: cartels, smugglers, drug pushers, etc. By cutting out the middle men, the price of drugs should be very low, affordable and profitable. Drugs should be sold at special stores called… wait for it… “drug stores.” People would be able to purchase as much drugs as they want, provided they sign a waiver to forgo any medical treatment for drugs additions. We allow drugs like alcohol and tobacco, and in some states marijuana, so why not allow all drugs?
​
Here’s the impact of that solution:
1. The price of illegal drugs would plummet.
2. The prison population will drop. Per the Bureau of Prisons, there are 207,847 people incarcerated in federal prisons -- 48.6 percent are in for drug offenses. Per the Bureau of Justice Statistics, there are 1,358,875 people in state prisons -- 16 percent have a drug crime as their most serious offense.
3. Many new and legal jobs will be created for tax paying citizens. In 2015, in legalizing   marijuana in Colorado, 18,000 new full-time jobs were created and more than $2.4 billion generated for the economic. Now consider the impact in 50 states and expanding to hard drugs.
4. Drug use may decrease. In Portugal, when all drugs became legal (over 10 years ago) there were fewer deaths by overdose and fewer cases of HIV.
5. The cartels, drug pushers, smugglers, etc. will be put out of business. Drug cartels earn $64.34 billion per year from their sales to users in the United States
6. The government will collect the profits instead of the cartels. The government would also tax all sales.
7. This will free up money formerly used for the War on Drugs.
8. This will also save money. The cost of illicit drug use in the US is $193 billion annually.
9. The quality of drugs would be improved as the government regulates the drug market.
 
Drug problem solved.
 
AUTHOR’S NOTE: To the humorously challenged, this is a satire.
 
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The refugee crisis in Europe could be a blessing in disguise for the USA. Politicians think to be acceptable, a solution must be complex. Not true. Sometimes the right solution is simple and maybe even counter intuitive or hard to implement. I will attempt to explain how the US can benefit from the refugee crisis in Europe.
​
Some of these refugees might be recruited to the US. The US and other countries benefited from intellectuals and artists who fled Nazi Germany and other countries; people like: Albert Einstein, Enrico Fermi, Peter Carl Fabergé, Gloria Estefan, Sigmund Freud, Joseph Conrad and Victor Hugo. The US should actively recruit some of the best and brightest that are fleeing Syria Afghanistan and Somalia. Most the refugees are fleeing Afghanistan.

Then there’s the whole issue of recruiting mercenaries and spies. Using mercenaries is not new concept. Throughout history, governments have hired mercenaries to fight their battles. I’m sure you have heard of the Gurkha regiments of the British and Indian armies, and the French Foreign Legion. The Greeks often provided mercenaries, sometimes fighting each other on opposing armies. Of course, you have heard of the Swiss Guards who guard the Pope in Vatican City. Indian, Germany and Polish mercenaries were used by the Americans, French and British in the American Revolutionary War. Later, American Native-Indians were employed as scouts in the West. More recently, Montagnard tribesmen were hired by the US Army in Vietnam and used as scouts (Kit Karson Scouts). Enough history.
 
If we aren’t doing so already, we should be culling the refugees for use as spies to infiltrate #ISIL. A large percentage of the refugees are from Afghanistan, but they also come from Syria, Iraq, Eritrea, Nigeria, Somalia, and Kosovo. We should also consider forming fighting units made up of refugees and commanded by US Army officers. We could hire them straight out as mercenaries or have them join the US Army. It makes sense. They know the language, the terrain and in some cases, they know the enemy.
 
Problem solved.
 
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President Trump has said that, “Russia is fake news. This is fake news put out by the media.” However, the American people have a need to know if Russians met with Trump staff prior to his taking office or since. Here are the clues investigators are looking for:
1.      The official’s computer now has the following:

a.       Their spell checker no longer corrects the words Da and Nyet (да and инет).
b.      The auto-correct changes the word “democracy” to “communism”.
c.       The screen saver now has pictures of Vladimir Putin, Vladimir Lenin and Red Square.
d.      Their e-mail addresses now include WikiLinks, the secret police agency FSB (Federal Security Service of the Russian Federation), Vladimir Putin and Julian Paul Assange.

2.      The interoffice memos have the following:

a.       All the n’s are backwards.
b.      All the question marks have been replaced with a sickle.
c.       All the exclamation marks have been replaced with a hammer.

3.      The office décor includes Russian Nesting Dolls.
4.      The staff break room refrigerator contains Borsch, Russian dumplings, caviar and Stroganoff.
5.      The office voice mail has messages from WikiLeaks, Putin and Sergey I. Kislyak, the Russian ambassador.
6.      The elevator music includes the "Song of the Volga Boatmen".
7.      The in-office bar is stocked with Vodka.
8.      There a bouquet of flowers with a card that says, “Good luck on your recent rise to power.” signed by Putin.
 
I’m sure the investigators will wrap this up quickly if they look for these clues.
 
AUTHOR NOTE: This humor, not fake news. Learn to recognize the difference by reading my blog on a regular basis.

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