You may have read Mitch Albom’s novel, The Five People You Meet in Heaven. With a wink and a nod to Mr. Albom, I now present The Five People You Meet in Hell. Sorry, it’s a blog not a novel – maybe later.

Okay, you screwed up and you know it. You are going to hell. No sweat, you say. You have many friends in hell, so you won’t be lonely. True. The company you keep puts you in hell. Here’s a clue; your enemies are there too, and they are waiting for you. Here are the five people who will meet you at the gates of hell when you arrive:

1. Your ex-girlfriend/ boyfriend and/or ex-spouse. Remember how you cheated on your significant other? You cheated. You lied about it. You confessed and promised never to do it again. Then you cheated again and lied again. You thought you got away this last time. Your ex knows what you did and will confront you in hell. What you don’t know is that you caused your ex to have a crisis about his/her sexuality. He/she blamed him/herself more than you. Your ex went into therapy. Finally, he/she had a sex change operation. Your ex then joined a commune to “find him/herself.” In a freak accident, your ex smoked some loco weed that looked like marijuana. It was fatal. With his/her dying breath, he/she swore revenge on you.

2. Your best friend from high school/college? You remember your best friend? You two vowed to be best friends forever. That was until you stabbed your BF in the back. You stole your BF’s girl/guy. You did it without a thought of how you hurt him/her. What you don’t know is that your BF had trust issue after that. He/she never trusted anyone again. He/she became very bitter and mean. With no friends, your BF sat alone at home watching reruns of Gillian’s Island. It wasn’t cable or satellite, because your BF did not trust the installer to show up at all. In a freak accident, your ex was killed by a flock of pigeons while feeding them.

3. Your old boss. You do remember your old boss? The one that didn’t give you that bonus or promotion. He said you did not achieve the goals he set for you. He said you wasted time playing games on the computer and taking naps in the stockroom. It was all true. What you don’t know is that he didn’t get a bonus or promotion either. Your failure caused him to fail too. Eventually, the company fired him for poor performance. He couldn’t get another job because he couldn’t get a referral. The industry blackballed him. He became homeless and wandered around aimlessly – without goals. In a tragic accident, he was cooked to death due to a malfunction in the heating grate he was sleeping on. Investigators found your name scribbled on the side of his cardboard box with the words, “I’ll see you in hell.”

4. Your old schoolteacher. You must remember your old schoolteacher – the one that you caused to have a nervous breakdown? She was a 30-year veteran but had never met anyone as bad as you. She even told you to your face if you ever go to hell, she would find you and kill you -- again. What you may not know is she gave up teaching and joined a street gang. For several years, she committed drive by shootings of students. When her eyesight failed, she retired to a rural area in Montana. A black bear killed her when she tried to spank it after it climbed into her apple tree. She thought it was you. The police found a picture of you with your eyes gouged out in her cabin.

5. Jack Hodges. You remember Jack Hodges? Probably not. Everyone remembers him as One-eyed Jack. Your mom always told you not to throw pencils but when Jack asked to borrow a pencil, you threw it. Sure enough, he lost an eye. That was bad enough, but what you don’t know was worst. People bullied and teased One-eyed Jack the rest of his life. He finally had enough and chose a life of crime. One day the police caught up with him, and he died in a hail of bullets. The police said that with his dying breath, he said it was all your fault.
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So, have fun in hell.

The year 2022 is the year I turn the big seven-five--not looking forward to it. I’m already having memory issues. I’m trying to deal with them. Remembering things becomes a challenge as we get older -- I understand that. My memory was never very good anyway. I once told my family to raise a finger for each time they heard a joke I was about to repeat. Many times, they raised both hands and flashed ten fingers at me. The other day I told a joke and screwed up the punch line -- a rare thing for me.

In my experience, there seems to be three types of memory lost: the first is a total loss of memory of particular names, events or scheduled events; the second is a mixed match of memories (not remembering correctly or mixing two separate events together); and finally, false memories (remembering things that never happened – duh).

To help myself remember (total loss) or remind myself of future events, I post notes to remind myself, mark up my calendar and use visual aids. I put them on my computer, refrigerator, and kitchen counters. I even put outgoing mail or other items near the door where I’ll see it as I leave the house. I do struggle with names, but then, I always did. I often run into a person I haven’t seen for a while and can’t remember their name. When we had dogs, I have on a couple of occasions, let the dogs out and forgot to let them back in. They growled at me for two days. I don’t mind so much forgetting some events; somethings are better off forgotten.

Sometimes I would relate antidotes about friends only to be corrected and told I had the wrong person in the story or got the facts wrong. Now when I tell a story, I just say it happened to someone I know. Years ago, I told one humorous story to so many people that when I ran into the subject of the story and was told it wasn’t him but was someone else, I asked him not to tell anyone.
What I really hate is remembering things that never happened. For example, I was trying to remember if I took my morning meds and decided that I did. Later, I discovered that I hadn’t taken them. I was remembering something that never happened. Sometimes my wife will ask if I saw a particular TV show or movie and I’ll say I did only to discover later that I hadn’t seen it at all – a false memory.

As we grow older, our memories are often the best things we have. I hate losing them. They say the memory is the second thing to go as you get old. I forgot what the first thing was. I thought I’d better write this article before I forgetaboutit.

THE END

DISCALIMER; This blog is intended as a satire and should not be taken seriously. Don’t attempt to follow these tips. Just follow my blog.
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With #gasolineprices of going off the charts, here are some tips to save money on gas:

1. Siphon gas from your neighbors’ cars. This could lead to dangerous confrontations, so do it in the dead of night while wearing ninja clothing. Of course, it stands to reason not to leave gas in your vehicles when parked outside overnight.
2. Don’t drive at excessive speeds. If anyone honks, just turn on your turn signal and leave it on. 
3. Put the car in neutral when driving downhill. Better yet, drive only downhill.
4. Have your family and friends push your vehicle.
5. Place a sail on your vehicle to take advantage of the free wind.
6. Don’t idle your vehicle while parked.
7. Turn off your vehicle’s air conditioning, radio and all other devices.
8. Tailgate behind large trucks so they break the wind and drag your vehicle with suction. Hey, ducks do it.
9. Dead weight will increase consumption of gas. Get rid of excess weight like doors, windshields, windows, passenger seats, hoods, trunks, paint, and seatbelts.
10. Harness several dogs to your vehicle and have them pull you.

I hope these tips help you to save money on the price of gasoline. 

An international team of researchers from Denmark, Switzerland, France, Germany, Norway and the Czech Republic have translated pig grunts into emotions, successfully decoding a pig's emotions after analyzing over 7,000 acoustic recordings of grunts from over 400 pigs. (Sounds like an old joke.) I’m glad that our own government didn’t fund this endeavor. Of course, Tim Allen was way ahead with his stand-up comedy act. He decoded pig grunts for us years ago. There’s no truth to the rumor that Tim Allen was consulted for this project. I’m surprised that England wasn’t involved. Winston Churchill once said, “I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
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I’m sure that somewhere in this world there’re some people who eagerly want to hear what their pigs have to say. You can bet for pig farmers it won’t be nice. For those who have pigs as pets, (I’m talking about real pigs not husbands here.) it will probably be good. I, for one, can wait to find out what pigs think of us. It’s like explaining the difference between “being committed” and being “involved”. It’s like bacon and eggs; the chicken is involved, but the pig is committed.

We can only hope that Copenhagen will publish a translation book for wives, so they’ll understand us men better. Maybe there needs to be a book for men, so we can communicate better with our wives. We can only hope.

I tell myself these lies over and over until I begin to believe them:

1. That’s a name I won’t forget.
2. I can easily lose those ten pounds.
3. I don’t need to write that down – I’ll remember.
4. I can still drive after four drinks.
5. I can quit smoking/drinking/eating/drugs anytime I want.
6. You still got it.
7. Yeah, she wants me.
8. My mind is as sharp as ever.
9. I’m a very tolerant and reasonable person.
10. There’s nothing wrong with my hearing – people mumble.
11. Yeah, I can still wear this old outfit.
12. I’m above average in intelligence.
13. I’m a “people person.”
14. I have a great sense of humor.
15. I’m “open-minded.”

What other lies do you relate to your ego? If you lie to yourself enough, you can lie to anyone.
 

There Are Some Advantages to Being Over 75
 
I got this from a friend. I don't know the author, but I thought that it was cute. It was originally for being over 50 but I changed it to 75.  I also added a few more advantages. I don't remember who sent it to me.
 
Being Over 75 has its Advantages:
1. Kidnappers aren't interested in you, unless you’re filthy rich.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. People call at 9 am and ask, “Did I wake you?”
4. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
5. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
6. Things you buy now won't wear out before you die.
7. You can live without sex but not glasses.
8. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
9. You can have a party and the neighbors won’t even realize it.
10. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
11. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks by.
12.You sing along with the elevator music.
13. Your investment in health insurance is finally starting to pay off while your premiums for life insurance may soon stop.
14. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists that the National Weather Service.
15. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
16. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
17. You can't remember who sent you this.
18. You can tell the same old jokes because young people haven't heard them, and your friends don’t remember them.
19. You can no longer hear your nagging spouse.
20. You now have an excuse for driving with your turn signal on.
21. You can eat, drink and smoke anything you want because you don't have long to live anyway.
22. You can enjoy spoiling your grandkids.
 
Http://www.monteranderson-author.com

I noted with interest that #RandomHouse published several of Dr. #Seuss books posthumously. Dr. Seuss died in 1991. It inspired my short story titled, Best Selling Dead Author. I hope you enjoy it.
 
Best Selling Dead Author
 
Joe Regan was a writer. His suicide note was not his best piece of work. It simply read, “Fair well cruel world.” Joe took all the sleeping pills and sat down in his recliner. When he opened his eyes again, he was looking into the face of his agent, Bernie Blackwell.
 
Bernie smiled and brushed back Joe’s hair. “Hey.”
 
“Hey. Oh, my head hurts.” Joe looked around. “Where am I?”
 
“You are in St. Thomas Hospital. I found you and called 911. The doctors pumped your stomach. You’ve been in a coma for five days, man.”
 
“Oh. I don’t know if I should thank you or not. I just wanted to die.”
 
“I know, man. I found your note. Why did you do it?”
 
Joe smiled. “You’re my agent. I think you know why. My novel has been rejected by 45 publishers and I haven’t earned a dime in three years.”
 
Bernie chuckled. “It is 47 publishers now. I didn’t get a chance to tell you about the last two. However, while you were in a coma, I’ve been busy. I posted your suicide note on a few key social media web sites and wrote what a tragedy it was since your novel is so great.”
 
 
“My suicide note? I didn’t say much in my note.”
 
Bernie smiled. “Yeah, well, I sort of rewrote it. I also went ahead and published the e-book version of your novel. It is going viral. We sold over 10,000 copies in four days. We now have offers from three publishers. I think if you had died, your novel would make the best sellers list.”
 
“Lucky me! I have to nearly kill myself for my novel to sell.”
 
“Joe, what do you expect? You wrote a romance novel about gay pygmies living in San Francisco-not a great genre. Anyway, since you really don’t want to live, would you consider killing yourself? It would mean a lot to me. I could help.”
 
“What! My novel is finally published, and you want me to kill myself? Are you crazy?”
 
Bernie shrugged his shoulders. “No big deal. Come on, get up. I brought a wheelchair. I am taking you out of here.” He handed Joe a glass of water and some pills. “Here, take these.”
 
Joe took the pills with the water. With Bernie’s help, he got into the wheelchair. Bernie wheeled Joe out of ICU and headed for the elevators. Bernie pushed the up-call button for the elevator.
 
“Where are you taking me?”
 
“Don’t worry about it. I am taking you to the tenth floor. The second elevator is out of service. I should be able to open the doors there.”
 
“Bernie, I don’t feel so good. What were those pills?”
 
“Sleeping pills.”
 
“I took four. Am I supposed to take that many?”
 
“No, man. You are supposed to take only one every 12 hours.”
 
“Won’t that kill me?”
 
“No. It will make you comatose. In your condition, you won’t notice that the elevator is not there. The fall from the tenth floor will kill you.”
 
“But Bernie, I don’t want to die any more. I want to live.”
 
“Listen, man. I’m telling you. If you die, we will make the best sellers’ list. We’ll be able to negotiate a big contract. We’ll attract more talented writers.”
 
“We? I’ll be dead.”
 
The elevator arrived and Bernie pushed the wheelchair inside and pushed the tenth-floor button.
“Well, yeah,” said Bernie. “Quit thinking about yourself for once. Did you even consider me? This is my big break. When I post your next suicide note, we’ll sell a million copies of your novel. Plus, I am sure I can get a six-figure advance for your next novel.”
 
My next novel? I never wrote a second novel.”
 
“It will be found among your things after your death.”
 
“Bernie, don’t do this. I don’t want to die.”
 
“Quit being selfish! Close your eyes now and rest. It will all be over in a few minutes. You are going to be a bestselling author. Congratulations.”
 
The End

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​There's a lot of buzz about marijuana lately. It is completely legal in several states. The decriminalization of marijuana use, and its medicinal use is legal in many more states. Nine states and #Guam have legalized medical marijuana. Many people have praised the benefits of marijuna and how it expands the creative mind. I have never smoked #pot but I think in the intereest of research, I should try to see if it helps my writing.

Here goes: One joint. Not bad. I don't decern any improvement in my creative writing.

Two joints -- Hey, this stuff's not bad. I'll try some more. I'm finding it hard to concentrate on writing. What was I writing about?

After three joints – My writing does look a little fuzzy. I'm not sure where the colors came from, but I like them. I am starting to hear the letters talking to me. Crazy!

Just finished mine 4 joints – I kinda like those. I do thunk that it improves my writ if I can just get the letters to stay on the page. The letters kept jumping around and I think they are going crazy. But this comes as no surprise.
Http://www.monteranderson-author.com