Blog Archives - Monte R Anderson - Author

Myths & misconceptions of the mystic of manhood exposed. Part 1

4/29/2014

I am writing an exposé that will blow the lid off the code of silence of the brotherhood of men. As a member of the male gender for as long as I can remember, I can no longer abide with the cover up and fraud that men have perpetuated upon women. At the risk of losing my subscription to Esquire Magazine, I will debunk the myths and misconceptions of the mystic of manhood. It will be a tell all, name names (like Thomas, Richard and Harry) and scandalous mea culpa. In all fairness, I want to give my followers and fans, especially the male ones, a heads up and a preview of what to except when my exposé explodes upon the public. I am sure I will receive hate mail and threats from my fellow males for violating the bro code. Sorry guys, but the time has come. It’s Katie bar the door time. This too long for my usual blog, so I will post this in series. Here is Part 1.

Myth Number 1: Men leave the toilet seat up as a way of marking their territory.

The Truth: Men can’t remember to put the seat down. At a very early age, men learn not to pee on the toilet lid and/or seat, so they remember to raise them. However, whenever men manage to get 80% of their bodily fluids into the toilet, they are so proud of themselves that they forget to put the seat down.

Myth Number 2: Men will never admit when they are wrong.

The Truth: Okay, I got nothing. This one is true. Wait! Did I just admit that I was wrong? Maybe there is something here. I’ll get back to you on this. Men don’t like to be embarrassed in front of women.

Myth Number 3: Men have an unerring sense of direction and won’t admit when they’re lost.

The Truth: Men are no better at directions than women are. There, I said it! Why don’t men admit when they are lost and ask for directions? See Myth Number 2. When driving alone, men will seek out another brother and ask for directions. Some men will drive around for hours hoping their female passenger will recognizes a landmark.

Myth Number 3: Men like to BBQ.

The Truth: This one is easy to debunk. Men like meat and will eat almost any meat whether it’s cooked or not. The truth is that since men came out of caves walking upright, fire has fascinated them. Sometimes men will go out and start the grill just to watch it burn without anything cooking.

Choose your friends wisely.

4/27/2014

In case you didn’t know, politicians are fair weather friends. A case in point is the situation in #Nevada. Cliven #Bundy, a rancher who became somewhat of a folk hero by standing up to the government in a fight over grazing rights, lost some of his conservative supporters when it turned out he was a racist. Duh! Bundy said that he wondered whether African-Americans might have had it better under slavery. Duh! (again) I guess Bundy fell asleep during American history. Now all the #Republicans who initially came to his support are denouncing his comments and distancing themselves. Where are your friends when you need them? When the going gets tough, the politicians get going. I guess the free publicity the politicians wanted, backfired on them. Bundy was fighting the very government that the politicians represent. Bundy had much more to say and none of it was good. He claimed that he is not a racist. He just makes racist remarks. Here’s what he said:

"I said I’m wondering if they’re better off under government subsidies," Bundy said. "And their young women are having the abortions and their young men are in jail, and their older women and their children are standing, sitting out on the cement porch without nothing to do, you know. ... And so, in my mind, I’m wondering, are they better off being slaves in that sense, or are they better off being slaves to the United States government, in the sense of the subsidies. I’m wondering. And the statement was right."

Now the Republicans have to find a new folk hero. Damn, it’s hard to find good friends.

Is a tattoo a sign of guilt or just stupidity?

4/25/2014

I am a little late getting this out this morning – the power was out for a while. A Kansas man has the tattooed mirror-image letters spelling out the word "murder" across his neck. The tattoo is not usually a problem for him because of the social circles he is in. His tattoo became a problem when police charged him with first-degree murder. He is afraid it might prejudice a jury. Duh! Although I am not sure that a stupid tattoo would influence intelligent people, he might have a point. Here are some legal questions to consider:

1. Should the government pay to have a professional tattoo artist remove or cover it up?

2. Why can’t he wear a turtleneck or a large dog collar?

3. If he removes the tattoo, could the police charge him with concealing evidence?

4. Does having a tattoo that spells "murder" demonstrate a lack of sound judgment?

5. Does removing it violate his right to free speech?

6. Would allowing this create a presidency that could allow criminals to remove their face or fingerprints before a trial because it might “prejudice a jury?"

7. Should he be allowed to have a tattoo that says, “I didn’t kill the guy.”?

Be on the lookout (BOLO) for a man armed with a potato.

4/23/2014

Desperate times call for desperate measures. Providence, R.I. police are looking for a man who attempted to rob a convenience store Monday using a potato. He tried to convince the store manager that it was a gun. The manager chased him out with a baseball bat. The would be robber then went to a laundromat and robbed them of $20. There is no truth to the rumor that the clerk at the convenience store asked, “Do you want fries with that?” Now before you laugh, consider the dangers:

1. Potatoes can be hefty. If thrown properly, they can seriously injury a person.

2. Potatoes are high in carbohydrates. A person on a low carb diet would certainly feel threated by a criminal armed with a potato.

3. Potatoes are high on the glycemic index. People who must watch their blood sugar should avoid potatoes and robbers carrying them.

4. Potatoes contain toxic compounds called glycoalkaloids. These compounds affect the nervous system, causing weakness and confusion. They also cause headaches, diarrhea, cramps, and in severe cases coma and death. Keep that in mind the next time you order fries.

5. Potatoes are used to produce vodka, an alcoholic drink (as if you didn’t know). Alcoholics should avoid criminals armed with potatoes.

If you see this man, do not attempt to approach him - considered him armed and dangerous. If he attacks you, defend yourself with a sharp potato peeler or hot vegetable oil (or peanut oil).

Stupid is as stupid does - that includes computer thieves.

4/21/2014

I purchased a new Old Men Rule T-shirt. On the back is a picture of John Wayne with a quote that says, “Life is tough, but it’s even tougher if you’re stupid.” How true. I sympathize with stupid people. I look at them and tell myself, “There go I except for the fact that I have half a brain.” Case in point: Police arrested Casey Wentworth of Portsmouth, NH after he called Apple customer service for a laptop that he stole a year earlier. Police had flagged the serial number. Here are some guidelines for stupid computer thieves:

1. Don’t use customer service support for stolen property.

2. If you must steal, try to steal things that work well.

3. Don’t take selfies using stolen computers and cellphones.

4. Don’t collect newspaper clippings of all your burglaries.

5. Don’t use stolen computers to write a memoir of your life of crime.

Dogs should perform jury duty.

4/18/2014

Through some clinch, a court in Cumberland County, N.J. summoned IV Griner for jury duty. IV is a 5-year-old German shepherd. Officials said that the computer likely mistook the Roman numeral for Griner's first name. Okay, I buy that. However, where does the computer find the addresses? I don’t know for sure, but there are several possibilities. They might use the DMV database. That would mean that IV Griner has a driver’s license. Not to worry – German shepherds have excellent eyesight. They might use the state tax database. IV must be a registered taxpayer. The dog could be a guide dog or police dog or a guard dog. They probably make a good salary. Makes sense to me. Why can’t responsible working dogs who also drive be on juries?

I have two greyhounds. I would accept them on any jury. Dogs are excellent judges of character. They don’t get hung up on the spirit or letter of the law; they just know if someone is a nice person or not. Dogs also don’t deliberate for days or weeks. They decided whether to like someone within seconds. Of course, there is a little butt stiffing involved. I think we could learn from dogs. If a person has a smelly butt, can they really be a nice person?

I vote for letting IV Griner perform jury duty.

Edgar Allen Poe uses a cellphone

4/16/2014

Ever wonder what he would say if Edgar Allen Poe had a cellphone? I do. Here is what I think he would say to the raven.

POE: Hello. This Edgar ... I know it is u, Raven. I have caller ID. Y don’t you say something?

RAVEN: Nevermore.

POE: Wretch, thy God hath lent thee- by these angels he hath sent thee. Respite- respite and nepenthe, from thy memories of Lenore! Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe and forget this lost Lenore!

RAVEN: Quaff? What’s a Quaff? What’s nepenthe? I’m just a raven so dumb it down a little.

POE: Prophet!' Thing of evil!- prophet still, if bird or devil!

RAVEN: Prophet? Devil? Don’t start w/ the names! Nevermore

POE: Is there- is there balm in Gilead?- tell me- tell me, I implore!

RAVEN: Gilead? Been there, done that. Nevermore

POE: B that word r sign in parting, bird or fiend. Bye.

RAVEN: So, call u later?

Guidelines for Texan pot users

4/14/2014

Pot smokers in Texas need help. Of course, Texas is not the brightest star on the flag. Police in East Texas have arrested a woman after she complained about the quality of the marijuana she had purchased. When police asked if she still had the marijuana, she pulled a small amount of marijuana from her bra. Smooth move! Police charged her with possession of drug paraphernalia. Okay, people. Marijuana is legal in only two states: Colorado and Washington. Medical marijuana is legal in 20 states and Washington D.C. Unfortunately, Texas is not one of them. A list of states that legalized marijuana can be found at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Legality_of_cannabis_by_U.S._state.

I am not in favor of smoking anything, legal or otherwise. Until we pass a Stupidity Law (check my archives for details), some people need help. Here are some guidelines for marijuana users:

1. You must know if marijuana is legal in your state. Ignorance is no excuse even if you are high.

2. The police are not responsible for quality control. Do not complain to the police

3. When you visit a police station, do not carry your stash with you. That’s a no-no.

4. If you don’t like the quality of your pot, pay your drug dealer with counterfeit money.

5. Remember in Texas you can carry a gun in the open, but that does not apply to marijuana.

This has been a public service announcement.

California Fish and Wildlife officials captured a 4-foot crocodile at a shopping mall in Roseville, CA. There was no truth to that rumor that the croc was shopping for people shoes

Cellphone etiquette for burglars

4/12/2014

I have blogged previously about criminals and their cellphone – a stupid combination. Minnesota Police arrested two burglars after one of them accidentally called 911. The dispatcher overheard them talking about a committing a crime in a car-repair shop. Police arrived in time to arrest the two. One was carrying a TV and the other a box. The police charged them with third-degree burglary. It is somewhat self-evident that the lights are on but no one is home with these two. They need to follow my cellphone etiquette rules for thieves. Once again, here they are:

1. Do not take your cell phone to a robbery.

2. Do not take selfies at the crime scene.

3. Do not take selfies with stolen property.

4. Do not text about the robbery to anyone.

5. Do not put the address of the robbery on your cellphone GPS (or automobile).

6. If you steal a cellphone and someone calls, don’t answer.

7. Do not take a picture of the house you rob or are thinking about robbing.

8. Do not text your partners in crime to join you at the residence.

9. Do not let your partners in crime take your picture at the crime scene or anywhere else.

10. Do not use the theme song from Cops as your ring tone.

#Republican Vance McAllister, (LA) makes out on security camera.

4/10/2014

Here we go again; another congressman caught messing around. When will members of congress learn that they can’t hide? Security cameras taped #Republican Vance McAllister, (LA) kissing a member of his staff (not his wife). A West Monroe newspaper, The Ouachita Citizen, released the video. I watched the video. It was not a peck on the cheek. Now what security company releases security videos from their system? I would like the name. I doubt they will be getting any more contracts to install security cameras inside government offices. McAllister must have known about the security cameras. The woman should have known about them too. I guess that McAllister thought what happens in the privacy of his office was private. Oh, contraire! They belong to the voters. Taxpayer money paid for installing the security system. Some will say that it was not too bright for the congressman to make out in front of the security cameras. Come on folks. Duck Dynasty – not MIT endorsed him. Not to worry. Many politicians have walked down this well-worn path. We all know the script. There will be more revelations before this is over. Meanwhile, I have drafted a generic confession for these straying politicians.

“I want to publically apologize to the voters for getting myself caught in a misdeed. I am sincerely sorry that I let someone take a video of me performing this act. I especially want to apologize to my wife and family who have supported me and helped me cover up my flaws for years. In the future, I will make sure there are no cameras or cellphones around when I misbehave. I am planning to undergo a period of intense therapy on the golf course and in the privacy of my home. Thank you for being stupid enough to put me in office in the first place.”