Blog Archives - Monte R Anderson - Author

Please Remove Your #Fraternity From Your Resume

4/27/2015

There are basically two types of fraternities; those who have done something publicly offensive and those who haven't...yet. It would be best not to admit to being a member until after you're hired. Even after you get the job, you may not want to confess. The #UniversityofFlorida suspended the Zeta Beta Tau fraternity on Friday after an incident in a Panama City Beach resort. Allegedly, some of its members insulted and spat at a group of disabled military veterans. ZBT is being charged with obscene behavior, public intoxication, theft, causing physical or other harm, and damage to property. The vets were on an biannual retreat called the Warrior Beach Retreat. The frat boys urinated on flags and were verbally abusive toward the Iraq and Afghanistan vets. ZBT was having a spring formal. Huh? I guess formals have changed since my days in college. I'm sure we'll see a public apology from ZBT and one or more of the students any day now. It will be similar to the apology from the #SigmaAlphaEpsilon fraternity student who apologized for his singing. He was singing racial slurs. I have taken the liberty of drafting an apology that might be apporpriate for ZBT to use:

“I'm sincerely sorry that I was caught urinating and vomiting on disabled war veterans. I thought they were just ordinary disabled people. Had I know they were vets I would have gone and found some other disabled people to insult. I didn't intend any disrespect towards vets. I'm usually an equal opportunity insulter. I'm sorry that my behavior put a damper on our spring formal. In the future I will endeavor not to be caught when I urinate in public.”

Apparently, there's no truth to the rumor that the vets are signing a petition to draft the frat boys.

Will the #SecretService Ever Learn? Probable Not.

4/24/2015

According to #FoxNews, the Secret Service took over a year to replace an alarm system at the home of ex-President #GeorgeH.W.Bush. Apparently, there's no truth to the rumor that the agent in charge was the same agent who was recently arrested and charged with attempted burglary. What a hassle if that's true. First the Secret Service would have to inventory the #WhiteHouse to make sure this agent didn't take anything and then they might have to inventory the Bush home. Of course, they checked the house where the agent lived. There's a lot of speculation on what was allegedly found in the agent's house. The unconfirmed list includes the following:

1. A copy of the revised speech that Bush was to give at the 1988 #Republican National Convention. The words, “No more taxes” were crossed out. Apparently, the agent was told by Peggy Noonan, the speech writer, to deliver the corrected speech to Bush but, of course, he never got it. His pledge not to increase taxes propelled him into the White House. However, the #Democrats controlled the #Senate and #House and #taxes were increased.

2. A love note from Clarence Thomas, Bush's nominee to replace Thurgood Marshall on the #SupremeCourt, to Anita Hill, the woman who accused Thomas of sexual harassment.

3. A diary that appears to be Bush's with a page about the #IranContraAffair on which he wrote, "I'm one of the few people that know fully the details ..."

4. A cancelled check from Charles Keating, one of the “Keating Five” convicted in the Saving and Loan Scandal.

5. A note from Casper Weinberger, Secretary of Defense, that says, “Pardon me or I'll squeal.”

I could not confirm these rumors.

Bryan Price, manager of the #CincinnatiReds Sets a New Record

4/22/2015

The Cincinnati Reds have set a new record! According to the news, manager Bryan Price “allegedly” used the #F-bomb 77 times in a rant against reporter C. Trent Rosecrans of the Cincinnati Enquirer. To paraphrase Captain Louis Renault (played by Claude Rains) in Casablanca, I'm shocked, shocked to find there is profanity in #baseball! It is unclear who held the previous record but certainly #TommyLasurda or #BobbyKnight would have been close. Of course, the F-word is used so much now days in the media and social networks that it seems to be acceptable grammer. I recall during the Vietnam war that the F-word was used so often, sometimes every other word in a sentence, that it prolonged the war and was the primary reason the war lasted as long as it did. I am sure there are people who if told they could no longer use the F-word, would be speechless. In this case it is news worthy only because it was used 77 times. I'm sure if the F-word was removed from the rant, there may be less that 77 words not counting repeated words. I mean, who knew that Price knew more than 50 words?

I guess the reason for the popularity for the F-word is because it is one syabable and has so many variations. Words like fornication, coitus, copulation and intercourse just take too long to pronounce. While you could call someone a fornicator, to call someone a copulationer an intercourser doesn't sound correct. I don't think a coituser is even a word. I am sure that Price is proud of establishing a new record, but chances are it will soon be broken. Now that cellphones are ubiquitous and everyone is recording rants and incidents, a new record for the use of the F-word is sure to emerge shortly. I could set the record myself in this blog but I try to keep my posts short, to the point, and classy. (Okay, not a lot of class but a little class.)

#HillaryClinton is Protected by the #SecretService while on the Campaign Trial. What could go Wrong?

4/20/2015

It is now campaign season, a boon to bloggers everywhere. Hillary Clinton travels to #NewHampshire next week. I read in the news that she is escorted by the Secret Service. I mean, what could possibly go wrong? You remember the Secret Service, the same people who were "inebriated" and crashed into the #WhiteHouse grounds. Hopefully, they aren't driving the bus. You may recall the incident in the #Amsterdam one year ago when three agents were sent back for an alleged night of drinking. One of the agents was found passed out in a hotel hallway. Apparently, there is no truth to the rumor that a beer truck is part on the entourage. It might help the Secret Service if Hillary visited an AA meeting during her tour.

It's also no secret that agents also have a problem keeping it in their pants. Remember back in April of 2012 when a Secret Service agents brought strippers to their hotel in #Colombia before the presidential visit to attend the Summit of the Americas? More recently, a high-ranking supervisor was accused of assaulting a female employee. Apparently, there is no truth to the rumor that a van filled with hookers is part on the entourage. I think we should seriously reconsider the use of eunuchs for the Secret Service. There were good reasons that the Greeks, Romans, Chinese, Sumerians, and Assyrians all used eunuchs.

I have long advocated that Secret Service agents take vows of celibacy and sobriety as a condition for employment. That recommendation has fallen on deaf ears. I would list these two immediately following, “I vow to take a bullet for the President if necessary.”

At least the Secret Service might come in handy if Hillary needs access to some building. You may recall that a Secret Service officer was arrested for attempted burglary. Apparently, there is no truth to the rumor that part of the luggage includes burglary tools.

This might be part of Hillary's promise for more transparency. You may recall that the Secret Service leaked information about #Republican Rep. #JasonChaffetz. One thing is certain; there are no secrets in the Secret Service. I wonder which system she is now using for e-mails?

The Secret Service is in the News Again...or Still

4/15/2015

Hot Damn! Will it ever stop? The Secret Service is in the news again. I can't wait for the election campaigns to start so I can blog about something else. An officer in the Secret Service was arrested last Friday and charged with attempted burglary and destruction of property. That will be a hassle for the department. Now someone has to inventory the White House to see if anything is missing. That will be quite a chore. The rumors are running wild with speculations. An unconfirmed rumor stated that the Secret Service raided the officer's house and removed several box of materials. Allegedly, that included:

1. A dress belong to Monica Lewinsky. It might have a stain on it. Apparently, the officer was suppose to have it dry cleaned.

2. Copies of the missing e-mails from Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. Apparently, the officer was to destroy the e-mails.

3. Boxes full of coupons for hamburgers from President Bill Clinton. Apparently, the Secret Service kept them handy.

4. Photographs that show proof of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Apparently, the officer forgot to deliver them to the POTUS.

5. A note from Fidel Castro addressed to then president Clinton. Apparently, the officer forgot to deliver it. It said simply, “Let's be friends.” and signed, Love, Castro.

6. George Bush's flight helmet with the words POTUS Pilot written on the front.

7. Stacks of Victoria Secret catalogs.

8. A secret decoder ring from a box of Cracker Jacks.

9. A hand written note from the Prime Minister of Denmark,Helle Thorning-Schmidt. The note just said call me and had her telephone number on it. Apparently, the officer forgot to give it to the POTUS Obama.

Of course, none of these rumors could be verified. Maybe later.

What the Hell? The Secret Service in the Headlines Again

4/13/2015

Damn! I no sooner post something about the Secret Service and they're in the news with another scandal. According to NBC News and The Washington Post, Xavier Morales, a high-ranking supervisor, has been accused of assaulting a female employee. It started at a party at Capitol City Brewing Company in D.C. After all the problems the Service has had with drinking you would think they would find a “secret” location for their parties and eliminate the booze. Secret Service parties should be held during AA meetings. Later, after they returned to the office, the employee claimed Morales tried to kiss her and grabbed her arms. This seems problematic on many levels:

1. There aren't any “secrets” in the Secret Service. Everything they do becomes public knowledge overnight. Their motto should be, “What happens in the Secret Service goes viral.” That is why I don't believe the government is hiding any information on UFO. If they were, the Secret Service would have leaked it by now. I'll bet that right now there are bloggers posting the names of everyone at that party, what they drank and who went home with whom.

2. I have advocated for members of the Secret Service to take vows as part of their conditions for employment. One vow would be to keep secrets. The others are celibacy, sobriety and to take a bullet for the pres. If they all took a vow of celibacy, there wouldn't be any grabbing or kissing.

So what should Director Joseph Clancy do to straighten out the department? I have already stated that all employees need to take the vows listed above. I also recommend changing the name of the department. Secret Service implies an organization that can keep secrets. This isn't it. A more appropriate name might be “Praetorian Guards”. I would also suggest “Palace Guards,” “Capital Clown Unit,” or “Ninga Turtles.”

Clancy should then take it one step further and out source the security of the President. We could hire the Swiss Guard. They seem to be doing okay with the Pope. I think a good choice would be the Boy Scouts of America. At least then there would be some adult leadership. Navy Seals or Green Berets would do an excellent job. My number one choice is the Scoiety of Jesus, commonly known as the Jesuits. They already have the vow of celibacy and I can't imagine them hanging out with hookers.

#NFL Hires Openly Feminine Full-Time Game Official

4/10/2015

The National Football has done it again – having another first. The NFL has hired #SarahThomas as a line judge for the 2015 season. She has a number of firsts: the first woman to work college games in 2007, first female official on the FBS level and the first to officiate a bowl game. Of course, being first is nothing new for the NFL. You may recall Patricia "Pat" Palinkas who was a placekick holder and Katie Hnida who was a kicker. They were to first two female professional football players in a men's league. Then there is Jennifer Welter, the first woman to play a non-kicking position in a men's professional league. Georgia Frontiere was the owner of the NFL Rams for three decades and the first woman to take control of a league franchise. Shannon Eastin was the first woman to work regular-season NFL games in 2012 as a replacement official.

Michael Alan Sam, Jr. Was the first openly gay player to be drafted in the NFL. He was drafted by the Rams in 2014.

Apparently, there is no truth to the rumor that the NFL is considering some new rules because of Sarah's hiring. Here is a list of some of the alledged rule changes and the visual signals that might have been used:

1. Illegal Touching of the Groin on National TV – The referee would signal this by grabbing the crotch followed by making a cutting motion with the first two fingers on the right hand.

2. Awkward Forward Pass – This rule is against players making a pass at the referee – the hand signal for this violation is a passing motion followed by a thumbs down.

3. Wrong Sport Violation – This rule prohibits players in football from trying to get to first base with the referee – The hand and arm signal for this violation is holding up one finger followed by crossing the forearms.

4. Illegal Hugging – This is very similar to holding but more personal – The hand and arm signal is for the referee to hug her/himself followed by a wagging finger.

5. Public Display of Affection (PDA) – This rule is long over due. Many players have been observed in public displays to wives, girlfriends and dieties. In some case these are one and the same. The hand and arm signal is a blowing of a kiss toward the offender.

6. Excessive Showing Off – This violation is called against players who posture or pose in an effort to impress the referee – The hand and arm signal is for the referee to point at the offender and stick out her/his tongue.

What can we expect next from the NFL? Now that the glass goal line has been crossed, the shoulder pads are ready for more women. I know several women who could easily play on the front line. They may tip the scales at 300 pounds. I predict that we will soon many professional athelets coming out of closets. I think the NFL is ready for transexuals, cross-dressers and closet Republicans. Of course, Joe Namath might have been the first to wear panty hose in 1974.

Prepare For the Invasion of Anorectic French Models

4/8/2015

France has passed a law that prohibits “excessively thin” models. Italy, Spain, and Israel already have passed such laws. The irony is that France prides itself on freedom of expression. Being slender could be considered a form of self-expression. Where will these cadaverous, zombie models go to find work? One choice may be England who back in the mid-1960s welcomed Twiggy (real name was Lesley Lawson), a scrawny model who went on to be voted British Woman of the Year in 1966. A better choice, of course, is the USA where we have “right-to-work” laws and frown on discrimination based on appearances. In fact, the trend in the USA is to add more plus sized models to the catwalk. I predict that many svelte models will migrate to the US and find work in the modeling industry. I don't think even the Republicans opposed to immigation would mind.

The #SecretService Continues to Screw Up

4/6/2015

The Secret Service allegedly in trouble again. It is accused of leaking private information on how #Republican Rep. #JasonChaffetz , a critic of the Secret Service, was turned down for a job at the agency more than a decade ago. #HomelandSecurity Secretary Jeh Johnson and Secret Service Director Joseph Clancy apologized. Just to review, the Secret Service can't:

1. stay sober or drive while under the influence.

2. keep their pants on while on assignment.

3. keep trespassers from jumping the fence and entering the #WhiteHouse.

4. keep a secret.

I don't understand how these people can be trusted to protect the President. I believe he would be better protected by an outside contractor such as the #SwissGuard who protect the #Pope. I have posted earlier that the Secret Service needs to require vows as a condition of employment. Here is what I wrote on March 23:

The Secret Service is in the news once again. This time two senior-level Secret Service agents were "inebriated" and crashed into the White House grounds. This, of course, is not the first time agents have had problems holding their liquor. You may recall the incident in the #Amsterdam one year ago when three agents were sent back for an alleged night of drinking. One of the agents was found passed out in a hotel hallway. It's no secret that agents also have a problem keeping it in their pants. Remember back in April of 2012 when a Secret Service agents brought strippers to their hotel in #Colombia before the presidential visit to attend the Summit of the Americas? The solution is simple; the Secret Service agents need to take vows of celibacy and sobriety as a condition for employment. I would list these two immediately following, “I vow to take a bullet for the President if necessary.”

I would now add that potential recruits should also promise to keep secrets.

Follow These Steps to be 100% Unhackable and Protect Your Identity

4/3/2015

It seems that every other week some big corporation has their computers hacked and vital information compromised. Thousands if not millions of people have their identities stolen each year. Thieves steal information and use it to charge thousands of dollars on credit cards. I worried about that until I discovered how to become 100% unhackable. Just follow my simple steps and you too will be unhackable:

1. Stop using computers. I know you're thinking, Duh! Of course. Me too. It's so obvious. If you don't use a computer, you can't be hacked. Years ago old computers and monitors were used as boat anchors. Now days they are too small for that. Here's an idea – laptops make good kitty litter box liners. Why do you need a computer? You can get the news from the TV. You can write to your contacts. You can still use the land line. If you need a document, get out the pen and paper. Need more than one copy? Use carbon paper. (you younger folks can mail {no e-mail please} me and I'll explain what carbon paper is.)Don't pay your bills online, use the post office.

2. Stop using your cellphone. This was a double duh. No one can hack into your cellphone if you don't have one. If you want a selfie, use a Polaroid camera. That way your naughty pictures are safe. If you want to talk to your friends, write them a letter. You do remember how to write, don't you? If you want directions, stop and ask at a gas station or buy a map.

3. Don't throw paper in the trash. This is where thieves get the information they need to get credit cards in your good name. Stop it! Buy a shredder and shed your papers. If you can't afford a shredder, burn the paper in your fire place. If you don't have fire place, put duct tape on both sides of important documents. Trust me, it works. To be extra safe; put duct tape on your papers, shred them and then burn them in the fire place.

4. Don't use credit cards. Again, duh! No credit card – nothing to hack. Just pay cash for everything. You end up paying anyway so what the heck? Take the old credit cards and cut them up. Here's another idea – If you cut out the magnetic strip, old credit cards can be used as luggage tags. If you're good at cutting things, you can use them to make ear rings.

5. Don't mail anything in your mail box. The mail box is another source of information for thieves. Stop mailing stuff from home or office. Take it to the post office.

6. Don't use banks. If the bank doesn't have your information, when they get hacked – and they will someday – you are still safe. You should insist that your employer pay you in cash and not by direct deposit. Put your money in a safe place like under your mattress.

7. Stop using ATMs. Thieves put special devices in ATMs to steal your credit card and banking information. If you need money, just go to the bank or borrow it from your brother-in-law. If he doesn't have the money, tell him to go to an ATM.

Any other ideas?