Blog Archives - Monte R Anderson - Author

Subtle Signs Your Lover is Clueless About Finances

4/27/2017

I read with interest an article in my news feed titled, “7 Signs Your Romantic Partner Is Financially Unstable”. It listed such subtle signs like bills piling up, addiction issues, ignorance about finances, lots of credit cards, lying, and shopping too much. Seriously? I really believe the people that write this stuff must live in an alternative reality. This isn’t even close. Here is my list of clues that your lover is in debt over their head:

1.      You run out of cocaine and meth at the same time.
2.      You call for an uber driver and your significant other drives up.
3.      Your significant other is selling their blood.
4.      All the utilities are cut off.
5.      Your significant other tries to pay for food with poker chips.
6.      Some guy named “Slasher” comes to your door saying that “Don” wants the money your significant other owes him.
7.      The IRS lists your significant other as one of their ten most wanted.
8.      Beggars don’t hold out their cups to your significant other.
9.      Your lover takes you on a date to a soup kitchen.
10. Homeless people call your significant other by their first name.

If you see any of these signs, you can be assured that your significant other is up to the eye balls in debt.

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Blog Intervention – A Short Story

4/24/2017

Hello, my name is Monte R. Anderson and I’m a blogger. I’ve been blog-free now for six months. I would’ve continued in my downward spiral if it hadn’t been for an intervention by my family and close friends. I owe them my life. I came home one day and was greet at the door by wife. She took both my hands in hers and led me into the living room. There stood my two best friends, my two children, my brother and sister.

“Monte, sit down here,” my wife said. Then she leaned on the arms of the chair until her face was inches from mine. “First, we want you to know that we all love you.” Everyone nodded in agreement or echoed, “We love you.”

I think I said something profound like, “Sup?”

My best friend, Mike, stepped forward and said, “Bro, this is an intervention. We know what you’ve been doing. We all know. It has got to stop. You have got to stop now.”

“What are you talking about?” I asked, trying to play innocent.

My other friend, Pat, said. “You’ve been blogging, bro. We know. We’ve watched you destroy your life.”

“So, I’ve been blogging. What’s wrong with that?”

My wife raised her voice. “You’re a writer not a blogger. You are supposed to be writing the great American novel, not wasting your time on a blog.”

“We found your novel manuscript on your computer.” Pat held up some paper.

“There you go. I have been writing.”

Pat laughed. “It’s only four pages.” He peeled off the pages one by one and threw them on the floor. “The cover which is blank except for the title. Apparently, the working title is “To Be Determined”. Seriously? Then the title page with your name, a table of contents with just chapter numbers and the acknowledge page where you thanked your family for their support. That’s not a novel, Monte.”

“So, I blog a little bit. What’s the harm in that?”

My wife was back in my face. “A little bit! I didn’t mind when you blogged once or even twice a week, but lately, you’ve been at it every day; sometimes twice a day. You’re destroying our family. You’re killing yourself.”

“WTF?”

“Look at yourself, Monte,” Mike said. “When is the last time you shaved, or took a shower?” I shrugged my shoulders. Mike continued, “You’ve been wearing those same clothes for two weeks now. You’re eating pop tarts for every meal. Do you even know how much coffee you drink?”

“I need a little caffeine now and then,” I answered.

Mike held up eight K-cups. “Try eight today.”

Pat held up four energy drink cans. “Not to mention these energy drinks we found in your trash today.”

I just hung my head. My secret was out. I felt so ashamed.

My young son stepped forward. “Dad, you haven’t gone to one of my games this season. You said you’d watch me play.”

“Okay, okay, son. I’ll come to your next soccer game.”

Tears formed in my son’s eyes. “That was last season. I’m playing basketball now.” He turned and ran away.

It was now my daughter’s turn. “Dad, I need you. I need you to come to my high school graduation and my college graduation. I need you walk me down the aisle when I marry.”

It was my turn to cry. “Baby, I’m planning to do that.”

She shook her head. “No, you won’t,” she shouted. “You’ll stay home to write your stupid blog.”

The room was quiet for a moment before I broke the silence. “I’m truly sorry. I didn’t realize. You’re right. You’re all right. I need help.”

My wife was back holding my hands. “It’s not too late. We’re here to help you.”

“What should I do,” I asked.

My wife straightened up. “First… stop blogging.”

You mean cold turkey? Just like that?”

“We’ll help,” Mike said. “We’ve already hidden your computer.”

“But my followers.”

“They’ll understand,” said Mike.

Pat handed me a brochure. “We’ve enrolled you in a rehab program. The first week you must live on site and the second week you live in a halfway house with other recovering bloggers. After that there’s BA – Bloggers Anonymous. They meet every week.”

I completed the rehab program and attended the BA meetings. I was assigned a sponsor. He was an older blogger. He looked like a zombie – lifeless eyes and slow movements. Now, months later, I do feel better. I’m happy. My family’s happy. I felt so good about my experience that I decide to share it with you followers on this secret blog.

END

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Earth Day

4/22/2017

Happy Earth Day

Earth Day is celebrated on April 22nd. It’s the 50th Anniversary of Earth Day and the Earth is 4.543 billion years young. I want everyone to sing Happy Birthday to the Earth at 12 noon (Greenwich Mean Time) on April 22, 2017. Sing loudly. I want the astronauts on the International Space Station to hear us.

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Things You Should Never Ask Your Boss

4/20/2017

I read with interest an article on Google+ from the Resume Writer for You community titled, “Things you should never say to your boss.” They listed the following:
1.      I want a raise
2.      It’s not my problem
3.      I don’t do over time.
4.      I don’t know.
5.      I can’t work with…

I retired in 2011 after two careers and working most of life, and I can say that that list isn’t even close to what you shouldn’t say or ask your boss. Here’s my list of what you should never, ever ask your boss:
1.       Ask for a date
2.       Ask if it’s okay to bring your AK47 to work so you can clean it during your lunch break.
3.       Ask if the boss is happy with the current drug dealer.
4.       Ask if you can use the copy machine for pornography.
5.       Ask if you should respond to the Nigerian financial opportunity.
6.       Ask if you come in late, can you go home early.
7.       Ask if it’s okay to have a clothing optional day.
8.       Ask how old the boss’ daughter (or son) is.
9.       Ask if the boss is using birth control.
10.   Ask if that is the boss’ real hair.
In addition, you should never tell your boss that he’s an idiot or his ideas are stupid.

I hope this will help you get along with your boss in the work place.

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Karma is a Messy Affair

4/17/2017

Karma is a Messy Affair
“Are you sure this is a good idea; bringing me here while your wife is out of town?” Judy asked.
Chris took her into his arms and smiled. “Of course. She’ll be gone for three more days. I’m tired of sneaking around in cheap hotels. For once we can stay the night and wake up next to each other in bed.”
“But if your wife finds out…”
Chris shook his head. “I got it all figured out. You’ll be gone before she returns along with any evidence that you were ever here.”
Judy smiled back. “Actually, I’m looking forward to it. We’ve been dating for almost a year and this is the first time I’ve been in your home. Very nice, by the way.”
“I know. It’ll be great. We can do the things we couldn’t do before: make love at night, have breakfast in bed, watch late night TV.” Chris kissed her. “I’m glad to see that you didn’t wear any lip stick or makeup like I asked. My wife has a nose like a blood hound.”
“I understand. After all, I’m a woman.”
“And a beautiful one at that. No jewelry?”
“Just like you said – no makeup, no jewelry, no body wash, no hair spray, etc. You may not like me when you smell the real me.”
Chris smiled. “I doubt that. Before my wife gets home, I’ll wash all the bedding and take out the trash. Heaven forbid she should find a condom wrapper in thrash. Did you bring the stuff I told you?”
Judy removed a piece of paper from her pocket. “I brought everything on this list. I have the shower cap, slippers, tooth brush, …everything.”
Could you put on the shower cap and slippers now?”
Judy frowned. “Are you serious? I thought you were joking when you said I need to wear them all the time in the house.”
“I know, I know, it’s a hassle, but if my wife finds one stray hair or one-foot print, she’ll know I’m having an affair. She’s like Sherlock Holmes. We must be very careful. That’s how my first marriage ended. I made mistakes. I’ve learned to be more careful. After all, we’ve been dating for a year, and my wife doesn’t suspect a thing.”
“Should I wear gloves?”
Chris laughed. “No, no, that would be necessary. I’ll wipe down everything after you leave.”
Judy tilted her head. “So how did your first wife catch you?”
“Lip stick on a cigarette butt. She didn’t smoke.”
Judy laughed. “Thank goodness, I don’t smoke. Can I ask you something?”
“Of course,” Chris answered.
“Your current wife, was she the one you had affair with when you were married to wife number one?”
Chris shrugged his shoulders. “Busted. Yeah, that’s why we must be so careful. She knows I might cheat on her.”
Judy put her arms around Chris’ waist and kissed him. “Well, I glad you’re cheating on her with me. I’m looking forward to these next few days.”
“Yeah, me too. I’ll make dinner.”
Judy smiled. “You promised me breakfast too, remember.”
“That too. Let me set the table.” Chris went into the kitchen and returned with paper plates and plastic cups. A bottle of wine was tucked under his arm.
Judy took one look and picked up a paper plate. “Really? Paper plates?”
Chris continued to set the table with plastic dinner ware and paper napkins. “Trust me, Judy. One finger print and it’s divorce court for me. This is the only way. We’ll burn everything in the fire place.”
“Okay, I guess. I just thought we’d have a romantic dinner.”
Chris raised his eyebrows. “Right. I’ll get some candles.” He walked back into the kitchen.
Judy heard Chris rummaging through cabinets. She decided to make her move. She grabbed her purse and removed a thong and sighed. It was her favorite – pretty and sexy. One squirt from her perfume bottle and it was ready. Between the cushions of the couch was the perfect hiding place for it. Next thing out of her purse was a pair of ear rings – not her favorite. Under the cushion of the chair was another excellent hiding place. Chris’s wife would be sure to find them. A stray hair from her head was placed on the back of the couch, almost invisible against the fabric. The final touch was another spray of perfume on the underside of a throw pillow.
Judy had thought about telling Chris’ wife about their affair; woman to woman, but decided to remain anonymous if that was even possible. Satisfied with her work, Judy took her purse, turned on her high heels and left.
END
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#Myths about Butts Debunked

4/14/2017

I thought today I would debunk all the various myths about butts (asses):

1. Some people have their “head up their ass.” Not true. You can try this at home. No way will your head fit up your butt or anyone else’s butt. It’s intended to mean that some people can see something right in front of them or they are stupid.

2. Some things are “half assed.” Okay, this one’s true. People can live with half an ass just like they can with half a brain. Of course, they must be careful not to fall into the toilet. In some cases, surgeons might remove half an ass. In normal cases, individuals have been known to lose half their ass on a diet.

3. People may say that they “lost their ass” in an investment or gambling. Not true. No one would want to accept an ass as an investment or a wager.

4. It is possible to get an “ass chewing.” Okay, this one is true too but not the way you think. While it is possible to eat an ass, it is not recommended except in extreme circumstances. However, in the case of consenting adults in the privacy of their bedroom, some ass chewing may occur.

5. Some people are “butt heads” or “ass holes.” Not true - heads and butts are not interchangeable parts in spite of what some surgeons might say. The butt has no brain. Stupid people should correctly be called “brain dead”, “clueless” or “thoughtless” but “butt head” or “ass hole” is simply not correct. While it’s possible to “butt heads” (note the use of “butt” as a verb) with someone, that is an entirely different thing and usually ends in one of the parties being injured or fired.

6. It is possible to “kick ass” or “kick butt.” This is true. This phenomenon happens often in professional sports. It shouldn’t be taken literally, but sometimes people do need a swift kick in the pants.

7. Some people are “ass kissers” or “brown nosers.” This one is also true but not in the way most people think. The common misperception is that it applies to a worker who kisses up to the boss. It would be rare if there was any real “ass kissing” taking place. Real “ass kissing” takes in the bedroom between consenting adults (read #4, reference “ass chewing” above). “Brown nosers” are really “ass kissers” who have gone too deep or missed the mark.

I hope this helps everyone to clear up the misconceptions and myths about butts.

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Ten More Subtle Signs Your Marriage Isn’t Working

4/10/2017

I read with interest an article by Cari Wira Dineen for Prevention, “5 Signs Your Marriage Isn't As Strong As You Think It Is.” Cari listed these signs:
·         Your spouse is not your go-to person anymore.
·         You're overly focused on yourself
·         You're comparing your partner to others—and not in a good way.
·         You're not fighting, but you're not loving either.
·         You're leading separate lives.
In my opinion, these signs aren’t even close. Here is my list of subtle signs your marriage isn't as strong as you think it is:
1.      You don’t cook meth together any more.
2.      You don’t provide each other an alibi when questioned by the police.
3.      Your significant other refuses to remember your safe word.
4.      Your significant other ran off with your best friend.
5.      You unfriended each other on Face Book.
6.      Your significant other opened a separate bank account and won’t share the information with you.
7.      You don’t remember each other’s first names.
8.      Your significant other says she won’t pimp for you anymore.
9.      You don’t wear each other’s underwear anymore.
10. You have mutual restraining orders against each other.
If you notice any of these subtle signs, you better believe the marriage isn’t working.
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#FoxNews Executives to Take Intensive Therapy for Sexual Harassment

4/7/2017

Rumor has it that Fox News will send all their executives for intensive therapy to preclude future lawsuits and end the culture of misogyny and serial harassers. The New York Times reported that Fox News has paid out $13 million to five women since 2002. #RogerAiles is targeted again by another woman for sexual harassment. Apparently, there’s no truth to the rumor that Fox keeps #BillO’Reilly on the staff because sexual harassment is part and partial to The #O’ReillyFactor.

Intensive Rehabilitation Therapy for Fox News Executives

I was able to obtain from a confidential source a copy of the “intense therapy” proposed for Fox News executives. The program known as Bogus and Unauthentic Legalized Larceny and Spurious Hypocritical Intense Therapy (BULLSH*T) is used successfully to help celebrities and politicians keep their reputations. This intense therapy is intended to last for one week. Below is a copy of the curriculum.

Sunday Optional Mixer
Join us in a mixer for all attendees Sunday night at 7 PM until whenever. Meet the instructors and fellow executives who have fallen from grace. Open bar and free #marijuana tasting (not yet available in all states).

Monday Session
How to Hold a Press Conference 101. Learn how to deny charges without using the telltale signs for lying. Learn how to say, “intense therapy” with a straight face. Learn how to pronounce new words like “paparazzi”. Learn how to publicly apologize and look sincere. Enjoy a panel discussion with panelists #LanceArmstrong, #EliotSpitzer, #Bill Clinton, and #AlexBaldwin.

Tuesday Session
How to Create a Culture of Misogyny: Learn such techniques as wearing sunglasses all day to hide your eyes. Learn how to ask women (or men) in your office not to wear underwear. Instructor Bob Filner, ex-Mayor of San Diego, California, #BillCosby, actor and special guest instructor POTUS Donald Trump.

Wednesday Session
How to Build a Secret Family: Learn how to hide illegitimate children from expert Arnold #Schwarzenegger, ex-Governor of California.

Thursday Session
Sexting for Beginners: Learn the basis of sexting from sexting expert #AnthonyWeiner.

Friday Session
Yes, You Can Keep Your Old Job. Instructor #MarkSanford, re-elected Congressman for South Carolina.

Closing Ceremony: Graduation ceremony for those who have not dropped out of the program or arrested.

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Subtle Signs Your Wife Might be Cheating

4/3/2017

I read with interest and article from Best Life, The Definitive Profile an Unfaithful Wife. Talked about a report from Indiana University and a study published in the Journal of Couple & Relationships Therapy. They list some signs that your wife might be cheating on you. In my opinion, they weren’t even close. Here is my list of subtle signs that your wife may be cheating on you:
1.      Your wife comes come wearing another man’s underwear.
2.      She smells like Old Spice.
3.      There’s a note on the refrigerator that she wrote saying she’s leaving you for your best friend (not the dog).
4.      You find a man in your closet or under the bed.
5.      She starts listening to cheating songs.
6.      She unfriends you on Face Book.
7.      You discover she’s using Tinder to find guys.
8.      She calls you by someone else’s name during sex.
9.      There’re cigarette butts in an ash tray, but neither of you smoke.
10. Your kids keep asking when uncle Joe is coming back and you don’t know anyone named Joe.
11. You find condoms I her purse and you had a vasectomy years ago.
12. You catch her sexting with a stranger.
If you see these subtle signs, your wife is cheating on you.
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A Bird Hit My Windshield

4/1/2017

I had a horrible experience a couple of days ago. It was one of those days with mixed rain and sleet. I was driving along down town when suddenly, a bird crashed into my windshield. It hit so hard I thought it was going to crash through. I ducked for a second, and when I straightened up I saw it was a big black bird or a crow. It was stuck to my windshield. Its wet features had frozen to the glass, but it was still alive – flapping its wings desperately trying to get free. I didn’t know what to do. I thought maybe if I turned on my wipers, it could break free. When I did, it did break free, but flew directly into the windshield of the car behind me which happened to be a police car. To make matters worse, the cop pulled me over and gave me a ticket.

He said I flipped him the bird.

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