I just finished reading an article in the AARP Bulletin, titled “50 Great Ways to Live Longer.” Right away I knew I had to change my unhealthy ways and calculate my new longevity. My father lived to be 80 years old, so I always figured I’d live that long at least. I did the math below:
If I cut back on my pain pills, I would decrease my chances of heart attack or stroke by 10%. That adds 8 years (don’t get caught up in the details) to my life. That brings my life expectancy to 88 years.

If I get less than six hours of sleep, my chances of dying increases by 12%. Therefore, if I can get in six hours of sleep, my life expectancy increase to 98.5 years. Looking good so far.

If I can stay married, I have a 46% lower risk of death compared to never married men. My life expectancy increases to 143+ years (1.46* 98.5). This might be a tough one.

By drinking coffee, I add another 15% to my life, bring my life expectancy to 165 years (143*1.15). I already drink coffee, so no biggy.

Eating three or more servings of whole grains per day, reduces my death by 20%. Now my life expectancy is up to 198 (165*1.20). I may start to moo.

Eating hot peppers reduces the death rate by 13%, bringing my expectancy to 223+ years. I’m on a roll here.

Drinking whole milk can add eight to ten years to my life. My life expectancy now increases to 233 years (223 + 10).

Switching to a vegetarian diet can deduce my death rate by 12%. As much as I love meat, this switch would add 28 years to my life. Life expectancy is now 261 years (233 + 28).

Stopping smoking reduces mortality by 15% or more. Now I expect to live to 300 (261*1.15%).

Loneliness increases the risk of early death by 45%. Therefore, if I stay social, I can add 135 years (300*.45%) to my life. I may live for 435 years.
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My new plan to live to be over 400 is simple -- cut back on pain pills, sleep six hours, stay married, drink coffee, eat three servings of whole grains per day, eat hot peppers, drink whole milk, switch to a vegetarian diet, stop smoking, stay social. You can’t argue with math. See you in 400 years.
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President Trump has banned refugees form seven countries. Those countries are: Iran, Iraq, Libya, Somalia, Sudan, Syria, and Yemen. In 2016, a total of 43,259 refugees came to the USA. Vetting all the refugees is a long and laborious process. First the UN screens them and refers the most vulnerable cases the US for resettlement. If someone has committed a crime, that person doesn't qualify for resettlement. Then the US does its own vetting involving eight federal agencies, six different databases, five separate background checks, four fingerprint and biometric checks, three in-person interviews, two inter-agency checks and a partridge in a pear tree. That takes a lot of time and personnel. A quicker vetting process is needed.
 
I have developed a quick test to separate those refugees that truly love America from the terrorist bent of our destruction. The test is in the American language. No Spanish, English, French, Arabic or other versions exist. The refugee must score 100% or is forever banned from entering the USA. This test could be given to large groups at one time to speed up the vetting process. No collusion allowed. Here it is:

1.Do you love The United States of America? Yes or No? [The only acceptable answer is "Yes". The test giver must not say, “Do you love America?” because that might include Mexico, Central America, and South America.]

2. Have you ever been a suicide bomber? Yes or No? [The only acceptable answer is "No".]

3.The first words to the National Anthem are… Pick one.
a.       Jose, can you see?
b.      Okay, you can pee.
c.       Oh, say can you see.
d.      Beautiful for spacious skies
[The only acceptable answer is c.]

4.The best foods to order in a fast food restaurant are… Pick one.
a.       Tacos and burritos.
b.      Rice and General Tso’s chicken.
c.       Gyros and lamb kebabs 
d.      Hot dogs and apple pie.
[The only acceptable answer is d.]

5. If you wanted to buy a car for a car bomb, which would you choose? Pick one.
a.       Ford Mustang
b.      Volkswagen
c.       BMW
d.      Rolls Royce
[This is a trick question. There’s no right answer. If the subject selects any answer, he is a terrorist. However, a is the second-best answer. Always buy American.]

6.What is your favorite weapon? Pick only one.
a.       AK47
b.      Colt Defender
c.       RGP
d.      Improvised explosive device (IED)
e.       Pipe bomb
[The only acceptable answer is b. Always buy American]

7.What is your favorite sport? Pick one.
a.       Football
b.      Throwing Molotov Cocktails
c.       Throw stones at police
d.      Running away from police.
[The only acceptable answer is a.]

8.Who is considered the Father of the United States? Pick one.
a.       Donald Trump
b.      Ronald Regan
c.       Elvis Presley
d.      George Washington
[The only acceptable answer is d.]

9.Which of the following is not a real freedom under the Bill of Rights? Pick one.
a.       Freedom of Religion
b.      Freedom of Speech
c.       Freedom to live in Massachusetts and vote in Rhode Island
d.      Freedom to Bear Arms
[The only acceptable answer is c.]

10.What is the motto of the USA? Pick one.
a.       E pluribus unum. Latin for "Out of many, one"
b.      Sock it to me. American for “sock it to me.”
c.       Carpe Diem. Latin for “Seize the day”
d.      BOLO. American for “Buy one, Get one.”
[The only acceptable answer is a.]

11.If you are mentally ill, what can’t you do in the USA?
a.       Run for President.
b.      Figure out how to put together Ikea furniture.
c.       Buy a gun.
d.      Drive a car.
e.       Get Married.
[The only acceptable answer is b.]
​
​Failing this test means the refugee doesn’t love the USA and most likely is a terrorist that should be banned from entering the country.

Millions of people are unable to enjoy the comedy of life, because they are humorously challenged. Often, they suffer in silence, ashamed to admit that they don’t get the joke. Everyone should learn to recognize the symptoms and to help those unfortunate people who have trouble laughing. Friends do not let friends miss out on the joke. This is a curable and preventable illness. Maybe you are one of those who suffer in silence. Ask yourself these questions:
1. When someone tells a joke, do you stand there saying, “I don’t get it.” while everyone else is laughing?
2. Does everyone stop laughing and change the subject when you join a group?
3. Do you laugh at inappropriate times while others aren’t laughing?
4. Do you think that Saturday Night Live is a news program?
5. Do you take sarcasm as a serious statement?
6. Are you unable to laugh at yourself as well as others?
7. Do you think that Bob Hope was the Secretary of State and that Bill Clinton was a comedian?
8. Are you unable to laugh and make milk come out of your nose?
9. Do you feel pain when someone tickles your funny bone?
10. Do you think that this article is serious?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be humorously challenged to some degree. Not to fear, the cure is simple but may take years. To cure yourself from being humorously challenged, start by reading my blog at http://www.monteranderson-author.com. Once you can at least smile at my comments, start reading cartoons in the newspaper. (If you don’t know what a newspaper is, contact me privately.) Once you can understand the cartoons, you may try going to a comedy club and signing up for humorous blogs. With a little effort, you may be cured after a few years.

I haven’t felt the need to post these warnings, but considering the current topic, I thought I had better.
​
WARNING! Reading this blog may cause laughter which might result in a pulled stomach muscles, injured funny bones, coffee or milk to pour from the nose, and self-inflicted wounds caused by slapping knees or foreheads.
WARNING! Reading my blog may cause eyestrain, deep thoughts (rare), raised eyebrows, furrowing of the forehead, gnashing of teeth, and shaking of the head.
If you think you have any of these symptoms, return to my blog the next day for another dose.
Consider yourself warned.
​

I hate it when someone says, “That’s the oldest trick in the book.” I guess I hate it, because I don’t have a copy of the book. I googled “oldest trick in the book” and there’s a lot of information on the subject. I don’t want to repeat the information I found, so I’ll offer some “alternative facts.” Some data does exist on some old jokes and some is pure conjecture.

There’re “tricks” and then there’re “tricks”. Regular tricks trick people. When a prostitute has sex with a “John” that’s called a “trick”. It’s safe to assume that Eve “tricked” Adam into eating from the Tree of Knowledge. Therefore, Eve invented the oldest trick in the book. I’m guessing most of the oldest tricks came from Adam and Eve. I’m sure at some point, Adam said to Eve, “look, a Tyrannosaurus Rex.” When she looked, Adam laughed and said, “Made you look.” That caused Eve to tie Adam’s big toes together while he slept. I’m sure that once Adam made a wolf a family pet, he started to blame the wolf for his farts.

When Cain and Abel came along, Adam started the old “pull my finger’ trick. He also invented the “there's something on your shirt” trick. When Cain or Abel looked down, he would flick them on the nose. Adam would just roar with laughter, but Cain and Abel hated it. Not to be out done, Cain invented the old "tapping on Abel’s left shoulder when he was on his right." Abel didn’t care for this trick either, and they got into a fight where Cain killed Abel.
You may recall that Jacob invented the “wolf in sheep’s clothing” trick to get his father’s blessing instead of his brother Esau. Delilah may have used Eve’s old trick to trick Samson. Apparently, she gave him a roofie and then cut his hair. She wasn’t a good barber, so Samson got pissed and tore the palace apart.

We all recall the story about the “Trojan horse” trick the Greeks pulled on the citizens of Troy. That trick inspired a condom company to adopt the name “Trojan” for their name and logo. I guess if you let them inside, you’re screwed. Of course, this can’t be the oldest trick in the book.

The old “gluing coins to the sidewalk or counter” trick didn’t come along until coins were invented, so that’s not the oldest trick either. It didn’t take long for a smartass merchant in ancient India to glue newly minted coins to his counter top in his shop. That same merchant may have started the “the check’s in the mail” trick. Of course, the old “ring the doorbell and run” trick did come along until electricity and doorbells were invented.

Card tricks aren’t that old. They had to wait for cards to be invented somewhere in China around the ninth century.
​
Perhaps you know of some trick that might be the oldest trick in the book.

I have posted this before, but I still think it’s appropriate.
The Mystique of Manhood
 
The Women’s March in Washington, D.C. the #Metoo movement and the #Timesup movement have motivated me to write an exposé that’ll blow the lid off the code of silence (bro code) of the brotherhood of men. I can no longer abide with the cover up and fraud that men have perpetuated upon women. At the risk of losing my subscription to Esquire Magazine and Cosmopolitan, I’ll debunk the myths and misconceptions of the mystique of manhood. It’ll be a tell all, name names (like Thomas, Richard and Harry) and scandalous mea culpa. In all fairness, I want to give my followers and fans, especially the male ones, fair warning and a preview of what to except when my exposé explodes upon the public. I’m sure I will receive hate mail and threats from my fellow males for violating the bro code. Sorry guys, but the time has come. Our women have spoken. Here’s a preview:
 
Myth Number 1: Men leave the toilet seat up as a way of marking their territory.
The Truth: Men can’t remember to put the seat down. At a very early age, men learn not to pee on the toilet lid and/or seat, so they remember to raise them. However, whenever men manage to get 80% of their urine into the toilet, they are so proud of themselves that they forget to put the seat down. Sorry.
 
Myth Number 2: Men will never admit when they are wrong.
The Truth: Okay, I got nothing. This one is true. Wait! Did I just admit that I was wrong? Maybe there is something here. I’ll get back to you on this. However, men don’t like to be embarrassed in front of women.
 
Myth Number 3: Men have an unerring sense of direction and won’t admit when they’re lost.
The Truth: Men are no better at directions than women are. There, I said it! Why don’t men admit when they are lost and ask for directions? See Myth Number 2. When driving alone, men will seek out another brother and ask for directions. When driving with a female, some men will drive around for hours hoping their female passenger will recognize a landmark. Women navigate by landmarks.
 
Myth Number 3: Men like to barbeque.
The Truth: This one is easy to debunk. Men like meat and will eat almost any meat whether it’s cooked or not (except sushi). The truth is that since men came out of caves walking upright, fire has fascinated them. Sometimes men will go out and start the grill just to watch it burn without anything cooking.
 
Myth Number 4: Men are poor dressers.
The Truth: Not True! Men know how to dress. However, men do like to be the center of attention. The best way to do that is to wear something inappropriate. Men have been known to wear black socks with sandals just to get attention from significant others (and daughters).
 
Myth Number 5: Men don’t like Opera.
The Truth: Not true. Men admire opera. We thought her show was good, and her O Magazine has articles that even men can enjoy. Oh, wait. Did I say Opera? I meant to say Oprah. My mistake. Sorry. Never mind.
 
Myth Number 6: Men have trouble expressing their feelings.
The Truth: Bull crap! This really pisses me off! Men have no problem expressing their feelings... to other men. Whenever men gather in small groups for poker or golf, the conversation always turns to feelings. Men perpetuate the idea that they talk about women in these gathering, but it’s simply not the case. Men think that expressing feelings with women is a sign of weakness, so they don’t do it. In addition, it usually starts a long conversation, and men do hate long conversations.
 
Myth Number 7: Men are good at killing bugs and spiders.
The Truth: Another myth. Men are afraid of bugs and spiders too. People believe that since men are supposed to be hunters that they enjoy killing bugs. Men got over that a long time ago. They hate to be the one to kill them. To look heroic in front of women, men will stalk and ritually kill pieces of lint and dust bunnies. I know some men that save those fake plastic spiders from Halloween and scatter them around the house. This goes back to men wanting to be the center of attention – Myth 4.
 
Myth Number 8: Men are better than women are at math.
The Truth: Not true. Only women can multiply. Men envy that. Case closed.
 
Myth Number 9. When a sexy woman walks by, the first thing men look at is her butt.
The Truth: Simply not true. I think I can speak for all men when I say this. When a sexy woman walks by, the first thing I look at is the back of her head. Then I ask myself, “I wonder if she has a brain to go along with that really nice ass?”
 
Myth Number 10. Men are afraid of commitment.
The Truth: Also not true. Men aren’t afraid of commitment – they are afraid of women. All women scare the hell out of us.
 
Myth Number 11. Men like dogs better than cats.
The Truth: It’s not that men like dogs better than cats – they don’t. It’s just that men get excited and confused when women ask men if they would like a little “pussy.” The conversation never ends well. It is easier to talk about dogs, although they can be bitches too.
 
Myth Number 12: Men don’t have close friends the way women do.
The Truth: This is another popular myth perpetuated by men. All men have a secret Facebook page. On that page, they have many friends including ex-girlfriends/wives, your sisters, and that good-looking divorcee next door. They also have secret Twitter, Linkedin and Pinterest accounts.
 
Myth Number 13: Men don’t listen.
The Truth: I’m sorry. What were you saying?
 
Myth Number 14: Men aren’t sincere when they say they are sorry and it won’t happen again.
The Truth: Okay, there’s a nugget of truth in this myth. Let’s face it - men are stubborn. By the time men finally get around to saying they’re sorry, they’ve forgotten what they’re sorry about, so they just say the words.
 
Myth Number 15. Men will cheat if given the opportunity.
The Truth: Okay, this is basically true. However, women must share part of the blame. If there were no women to cheat with, men would not cheat. Well, a few might.
 
Myth Number 16. Men don’t cry.
The Truth: Absolutely false. Men do cry; for example, when our favorite sports team loses, or our Alma Mater loses, or the best player on one of our teams gets traded. Men just don’t cry in public or in front of women.
 
Myth Number 17. Men don’t have feelings.
The Truth: Men do have feelings. For example, we feel hunger.
 
Myth Number 18. Men don’t like to hug other men.
The Truth: This is another myth. Men hug as long as they can slap each other hard on the back.
 
Myth Number 19: Men have fragile egos.
The Truth: I resemble that remark. I couldn’t disagree more. Our egos are just find if no one hurts our feelings.
 
Myth Number 20: Men are basically color blind.
The Truth: Okay, this one is basically true. Of course, there are some exceptional men who are fashion designers and interior decorators. The rest of us have no idea what teal, periwinkle, mauve, marsala and ochre are.
 
Myth Number 20: Men don’t like ballet.
The Truth: Not true. A bunch of cute women dancing around in tights – what’s not to like.
 
I hope this helps you women who are trying to understand men. My expose may be published soon.