Monte R Anderson - Author
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How to Build Better Humans

4/29/2022

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The old TV series, The Six Million Dollar Man, started each show with the quote, "Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to make the world's first bionic man. Steve Austin will be that man. Better than he was before. Better...stronger...faster." Well, we now have the technology to design the future human species – better than before. I’m the proud owner of two artificial hips, artificial lens in my eyes, and bilateral cochlear implants, so I know what I’m talking about—a little.

Science has completed the human DNA sequencing and genome mapping of the species Homo sapiens. Now that that has been mastered, we can begin to create life and create a more perfect human being. In the very near future, we will be able to bring to life more environmental friendly and more efficient human beings. Whether we’ll call them “human” remains to be seen. It’s important that we begin to discuss what we want in a perfect species to replace humans as we know them.

Obviously, we can’t continue to exist in this fashion in an increasingly unfriendly environment. Many parts of our bodies no longer serve a purpose: appendix, body hair, vomeronasal organ in the nose (detects pheromones), wisdom teeth, auricular muscles in the ear lobe (lets some of us wiggle out ears), coccyx (tailbone) erector pili muscles (causes goose bumps) and male nipples. Unless there’s significant changes, homo sapiens will become as extinct as dinosaurs.
For discussion, lets started at the head and work down.

The Head: Let’s face it; our current heads are a mess.
  • Vision: We have two eyes in front which allows for depth perception. It’s characteristic of predators. However, it leaves us vulnerable to the sides where our peripheral is weak and blind to the rear and top. Our night vision sucks too. The man of the future should have eyes like a spider on top of the head with enhanced night vision.
 
  • Sense of Smell: The nose is poorly designed. It allows to smell our food just before we eat it but has a limited range and capability. It should be forked since most people talk that way anyway. By adding 12 inches will extend the range; one fork for smelling and one for temperature readings.
 
  • Sense of Taste: The sense of taste is very limited which explains why so many people have such “bad taste.” The average person has about 10,000 taste buds that can detect only sweet, salty, sour, bitter, or umami taste (“savory”) unlike catfish which typically have more than 100,000 taste buds. Humans of the future can be designed with 100,000 taste buds on their hands. They’ll be able to tell how “good” another person is with just a handshake.
 
  • Hearing: Our sense of hearing is so poor, we must use headphones or ear pieces to hear. As we age, our hearing goes. Modern microphones are very tiny. The human of the future doesn’t need ears shaped like airplane wings to hear. A small hole will work. Let’s face it; we use our ears mainly for holding our glasses and jewelry. No need for that nonsense in the future.
 
  • Voice: Our mouths get us into a lot of trouble. We speak our mind anytime and anywhere without much forethought to what we are saying. That will be solved by removing the vocal cords. Futures man will communicant telepathically without speaking. The mouth will be made as wide as the foot to ensure an easy fit.
 
Neck: Our current necks have a limited range of motion. Future man will be able to rotate his neck 180 degrees like an owl.

Heart: The human body was originally designed with redundant parts: arms, legs, eyes, ears, kidneys, etc. Even the brain has two parts. Fortunately, we have only one mouth. However, we currently have only one heart. WTF? When that heart fails – we’re done. Humans of the future will have two hearts.

Arms: How many times have you been working on something and suddenly realized you could use another hand or arm? No kidding. Two arms are too few. Three arms would be ideal, but it would make designing clothes awkward. Four arms is the best solution.

Hands: Let’s face it; you need an apposable thumb. The thumb allows humans to grasp things and to beat the hell out of others. The index finger is needed to point the way and to type slowly. The middle finger is used for obscene gestures. In a future world there’d be no need for the middle finger. The ring finger and pinky finger are along just for the ride. A future human would have three fingers. Gone too will be fingernails. We won’t need claws. One of the future fingers will have a sticky surface for picking up small objects.

Legs: Having only two legs has always been a burden for humans. While must critters learn to walk within hours of their births, humans take a year or more, and some never master it. Three legs would be more stable, but three legs would cause problems for clothes designs. Four legs would give future humans a more stable and efficient design not to mention saving wear and tear on knees. The knee joint was never a good design. The legs should be like spider legs with the body setting much lower below the level of the knees. This lowers the center of gravity making the body almost impossible to fall or trip. This would also be the natural position for standing, sitting, and sleeping. Thus, we would eliminate the need for chairs, beds and most furniture in general.

Feet: There was a time when our ancestors use their feet to grasp tree limbs. No longer. Our current design is practically useless. The human of the future won’t have feet. Instead of feet, we’ll have hooves. Makes more sense. What good are toes? They always seem to be in the way. We stub them, smash them and paint the nails. They stink, they hurt and they overheat. The future human won’t have any toes.

Brain: Obviously, the brain is much too small. As we age, our brains become full and lose memory space. Thus, the brain begins to dump old memories to make room for new ones. Like the future heart, the brain needs redundancy. We need a second brain. The second brain will give us a second opinion before we speak and make fools of our future selves. Future man will have two much bigger brains with a much great memory capacity.

Hair: I’m sure that hair served a purpose at one time but now we try to shave it off. The human of the future will be hairless – totally. That’ll save a lot of time and expense now wasted o grooming hair.

Reproduction system: Let’s face facts. Despite what the movies and TV tell us, sex is a messy affair. It also consumes a lot of time that could be used in more productive endeavors. There’s no need for it. Babies can be born in test tubes with better results. The pleasure from sex is short lived. The human of the future will not have sex and thus won’t need sex organs. A larger brain will allow for more pleasure without sex. In fact, there won’t be males or females. There will be just one gender. This will solve a lot of issues we currently have.

Digestive System: Our digestive tract isn’t the greatest. Regardless of what we eat, we never know what will come out; might be a river or a cow pile. Rabbits and deer do it right. Their poop comes out as small pellets. Future humans will crap pellets like rabbits – much more tidy. This will be facilitated by eating only kale.
​
I know this is a lot to take in, but we must start now before some Dr. Frankenstein builds a monster.

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April 25th, 2022

4/25/2022

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The Mystique of Manhood (Part 3)

Here’s the last of my soon to be published exposé that’ll blow the lid off the code of silence (bro code) of the brotherhood of men. I can no longer abide with the cover up and fraud that men have perpetuated upon women. At the risk of losing my subscription to Esquire Magazine, I’ll debunk the myths and misconceptions of the mystique of manhood. I’m sure I’ll receive hate mail and threats from my fellow males for violating the bro code. Sorry guys, but the time has come. Our women have spoken. Here’s a preview:

Myth Number 21: Men don’t have feelings.
The Truth: Men do have feelings. For example, sometime we feel hungry.
Myth Number 22: Men don’t like to hug other men.
The Truth: This is another myth. Men hug as long as they can slap each other hard on the back.
Myth Number 23: Men have fragile egos.
The Truth: I resemble that remark. I couldn’t disagree more. Our egos are just find if no one hurts our feelings.
Myth Number 24: Men are basically color blind.
The Truth: Okay, this one is basically true. Of course, there are some exceptional men who are fashion designers and interior decorators. The rest of us have no idea what teal, periwinkle, mauve, marsala and ochre are.
Myth Number 25: Men won’t wear pink.
The Truth: This is another myth. I once had a pink dress shirt. I never wore it, but still…
​
I hope this helps you women who are trying to understand men. My expose may be published soon.

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The Mystique of Manhood (Part 2)

4/22/2022

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Here’s more of my soon to be published exposé that’ll blow the lid off the code of silence (bro code) of the brotherhood of men. I can no longer abide with the cover up and fraud that men have perpetuated upon women. At the risk of losing my subscription to Esquire Magazine, I’ll debunk the myths and misconceptions of the mystique of manhood. I’m sure I’ll receive hate mail and threats from my fellow males for violating the bro code. Sorry guys, but the time has come. Our women have spoken. Here’s a preview:

Myth Number 11: All men like sports because they are competitive.

The Truth: Not true. The only sports men like are baseball, football, golf, boxing, mixed martial arts, and women’s beach volleyball. Men aren’t competitive as long as we’re winning.

Myth Number 12: Men cannot have women friends.

The Truth; Not true—some of my best friends are women, like… I can’t remember their names at the moment, but we are close.

Myth Number 13: Men don’t listen to women.

The Truth: I’m sorry, could you repeat that?

Myth Number 14: Men don’t like to hold a woman’s purse.

The Truth: Okay, this might be true. We’ll hold a purse if it has a long strap.

Myth Number 15: Men don’t have close friends the way women do.

The Truth: This is another popular myth perpetuated by men. All men have a secret Facebook page. On that page, they have many friends including ex-girlfriends/wives, your sisters, and that good-looking divorcee next door. They also have secret Twitter, Linkedin and Pinterest accounts.

Myth Number 16: Men like dogs better than cats.

The Truth: It’s not that men like dogs better than cats – they don’t. It’s just that men get excited and confused when women ask men if they would like a little “pussy.” The conversation never ends well. It is easier to talk about dogs, although they can be bitches too.

Myth Number 17: Men don’t listen when women are talking.

The Truth: I’m sorry. What were you saying?

Myth Number 18: Men aren’t sincere when they say they are sorry, and it won’t happen again.

The Truth: Okay, there’s a nugget of truth in this myth. Let’s face it - men are stubborn. The truth is that by the time men finally get around to saying they’re sorry, they’ve forgotten what they’re sorry about, so they just say the words.

Myth Number 19: Men will cheat if given the opportunity.

The Truth: Okay, this is basically true. However, women must share part of the blame. If there were no women to cheat with, men would not cheat.

Myth Number 20: Men don’t cry.

The Truth: Absolutely false. Men do cry; for example, when our favorite sports team loses, or our Alma Mater loses, or the best player on one of our teams gets traded. Men just don’t cry in public or in front of women.
​
I hope this helps you women who are trying to understand men. My expose may be published soon.

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April 18th, 2022

4/18/2022

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The Mystique of Manhood
The Women’s March in Washington, D.C (2017) and the #metoo movement have motivated me to write an exposé that’ll blow the lid off the code of silence (bro code) of the brotherhood of men. I can no longer abide with the cover up and fraud that men have perpetuated upon women. At the risk of losing my subscription to Esquire Magazine, I’ll debunk the myths and misconceptions of the mystique of manhood. It’ll be a tell all, name names (like Thomas, Richard and Harry) and scandalous mea culpa. In all fairness, I want to give my followers and fans, especially the male ones, fair warning and a preview of what to except when my exposé explodes upon the public. I’m sure I’ll receive hate mail and threats from my fellow males for violating the bro code. Sorry guys, but the time has come. Our women have spoken. Here’s a preview:

Myth Number 1: Men leave the toilet seat up as a way of marking their territory.
The Truth: Men can’t remember to put the seat down. At a very early age, men learn not to pee on the toilet lid and/or seat, so they remember to raise them. However, whenever men manage to get 80% of their urine into the toilet, they are so proud of themselves that they forget to put the seat down. Sorry.

Myth Number 2: Men will never admit when they are wrong.
The Truth: Okay, I got nothing. This one is true. Wait! Did I just admit that I was wrong? Maybe there is something here. I’ll get back to you on this. However, men don’t like to be embarrassed in front of women.

Myth Number 3: Men have an unerring sense of direction and won’t admit when they’re lost.
The Truth: Men are no better at directions than women are. There, I said it! Why don’t men admit when they are lost and ask for directions? See Myth Number 2. When driving alone, men will seek out another brother and ask for directions. When driving with a female, some men will drive around for hours hoping their female passenger will recognize a landmark. Women navigate by landmarks.

Myth Number 4: Men like to barbeque.
The Truth: This one is easy to debunk. Men like meat and will eat almost any meat whether it’s cooked or not (except sushi). The truth is that since men came out of caves walking upright, fire has fascinated them. Sometimes men will go out and start the grill just to watch it burn without anything cooking.

Myth Number 5: Men are poor dressers.
The Truth: Not True! Men know how to dress. However, men do like to be the center of attention. The best way to do that is to wear something inappropriate. Men have been known to wear black socks with sandals just to get attention from significant others (and daughters).

Myth Number 5: Men don’t like Opera.
The Truth: Not true. Men admire opera. We thought her show was good, and her O Magazine has articles that even men can enjoy. Oh, wait. Did I say Opera? I meant to say Oprah. My mistake. Sorry. Never mind.

Myth Number 6: Men have trouble expressing their feelings.
The Truth: Bull crap! Men have no problem expressing their feelings... to other men. Whenever men gather in small groups for poker or golf, the conversation always turns to feelings. Men perpetuate the idea that they talk about women in these gathering, but it’s simply not the case. Men think that expressing feelings with women is a sign of weakness, so they don’t do it. In addition, it usually starts a long conversation, and men do hate long conversations.

Myth Number 7: Men are good at killing bugs and spiders.
The Truth: Another myth. Men are afraid of bugs and spiders too. People believe that since men are supposed to be hunters that they enjoy killing bugs. Men got over that a long time ago. They hate to be the one to kill them. To look heroic in front of women, men will stock and ritually kill pieces of lint and dust bunnies. I know some men that save those fake plastic spiders from Halloween and scatter them around the house. This goes back to men wanting to be the center of attention – Myth 4.

Myth Number 8: Men are better than women are at math and science.
The Truth: Not true. Only women have the ability to multiply. Case closed.

Myth Number 9. When a sexy woman walks by, the first thing men look at is her butt.
The Truth: Simply not true. I think I can speak for all men when I say this. When a sexy woman walks by, the first thing I look at is the back of her head. Then I ask myself, “I wonder if she has a brain to go along with that really nice ass?”

Myth Number 10. Men are afraid of commitment.
The Truth: Also not true. Men aren’t afraid of commitment – they are afraid of women. All women scare the hell out of us.
​
I hope this helps you women who are trying to understand men. My expose may be published soon.

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Free E-book

4/15/2022

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I have an e-book that I give away for free. I haven’t mentioned it lately, so I thought I would now. The title is Angels and Gargoyles.

Here’s a synopsis:
Angels and Gargoyles is a story about a romance among heavenly hosts--a beauty and the beast type love story. It tells how two of God's workers, for unexplainable reasons, fall in love, much to the chagrin of St. Peter. Garth, a gargoyle, is fighting demons that are stealing baby’s soul and an angel named Three is assigning guardian angels to protect the babies. The angels and gargoyles are hopelessly outnumbered by the demons. St. Peter orders Garth to work with Three to computerize the all angels in heaven. They are the two most unlikely pair for romance to begin with; angels are more beautiful while gargoyles are worldlier. The two desire to become husband and wife, an unheard event in heaven. St. Peter objects to the union and forbids the marriage. How can a forbidden love survive in the face of so much evil? How can they convince the ranking saint in heaven to approve their relationship let alone their marriage?
​
For other e-books by me, visit http://smashwords.com/profile/view/monteranderson or Amazon.com. Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/monteranderson
Follow my blog at http://monteranderson-author.com or http://monteranderson.wordpress.com
​

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It’s Okay to Forget Some Things

4/11/2022

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I turn 76 this year and I struggle trying to remember some things. As we age, we may start to forget things. It doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong (other than old age); it just means are brains are full of memories. It’s okay to forget some things. No one can remember everything. Here’s a list of things people forget and how to hand them:

Your significant other’s name: It’s okay to forget your significant other’s name. Wait until they go to sleep, and then check their driver’s license or other documents. If you still can’t remember, you can call them “honey” or “sweetheart” for several years. However, forgetting their name but remembering an ex’s name is a no-no. When you get a chance, steal a peek at their drivers’ license.

Kids’ names: Also, no big deal. Just use terms like “big guy” or “princess” until you remember. When you get a chance, look at your will. Their names are probably in there. No will? Then just forget their names.

Passwords: This depends. If it’s a password for a web site, usually there’s a way to have them send you an email with a link to reset your password. Some sites will ask you security questions. If you can’t remember the answers, there may be a telephone number you can call. If you forget your computer password, you can always buy a new computer.

Zip up: It’s okay to forget to zip up. Someone will remind you. Forgetting to unzip is more serious and may be an indication you’re ready for the nursing home.

Old enemies: It’s okay to forget your old enemies. They’ll assume you forgave them.

Old friends: Friends don’t let friends forget.

The way home: Okay, this is serious. I recommend you sew your name and address into your clothes. If you get lost and can’t remember your way home, take out the address and hail a taxi. If you’re driving, use your car’s GPS. If you have a cellphone, use the map system. You can also ask for directions. Try this trick; draw a map on your stomach.

Eating: It’s okay to forget to eat occasionally. Forgetting to chew is more serious. If you’re like me, the problem isn’t forgetting to eat, it’s forgetting to stop eating.  

Cussing: Cussing is another thing that’s okay to forget. In fact, your family would probably like you to forget to cuss. Unfortunately, cussing is one of the last things people forget.

Putting the toilet seat down: Female/male dominance aside, forgetting to put the toilet seat down isn’t a big deal. However, forgetting to lift the lid is a big deal. It’s the sort of thing that will send you to the nursing home. Best advice is to use the shower; no seat, no lid.

Taking a shower: Most people won’t care if you forget to take a shower. Old folks are supposed to smell like old folks. In fact, I think there’s a deodorant for seniors that smells like old mothballs. Better yet, just carry mothballs in your pockets. If you don’t like the smell of mothballs, try fabric softener tissues.

Spelling: Everyone has forgotten how to spell, just like cursive writing. Just use spellchecker.
Where you parked your car: I hate forgetting where I parked. The best trick is to have a key fob with a locator button. Another trick is to have your significant other with you so one of you can remember where you parked.

Why you entered a room: This is another thing I hate. The best solution is to write on your hand what it is you are going for. If you forget to look at your hand, that’s a separate issue. If your hand turns black because it’s covered with reminders, that’s also a separate issue.

Significant other’s birthday: This is a big deal; not because it’s your soulmate, but because it’s the password to half of your stuff. Once again, sneak a peek at their driver’s license. It might be best if you made a copy of their license.

I’m sure there are other things best forgotten or remembered but these are my top picks.
​
For e-books by me, visit http://smashwords.com/profile/view/monteranderson or Amazon.com
Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/monteranderson
Follow my blog at http://monteranderson-author.com or http://monteranderson.wordpress.com

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​Brain Myths Debunked

4/4/2022

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A few years ago, I read with interest an article about the seven most common myths about the brain. In an ASAP Science video, Mitchell Moffit and Gregory Brown explained why they aren't true. I’ll just summarize the article. The myths are:
1. A bigger brain is better (smarter). Not true. Also false, big headed people have bigger brains or are smarter.
2. Alcohol kills brain cells. Not true, thank goodness. Drunk people may act brainless, like driving home, but that’s because alcohol crowds oit the oxygen the brain needs to think clearly.
3. Drugs create "holes" in your brain. Not true. Again, thank goodness.
4. The brain has 100 billion cells. Not true. The brain has only 86 billion brain cells. I get light headed thinking about it.
5. People use only 10% of your brain. Not true (unless you’re a politician).
6. People are either "left-brained" or "right-brained." Not true.
7. People have only five senses: sight, smell, taste, hearing, and touch. Also, not true. People also have a sense of balance, temperature, time, pain and proprioception (the body awareness that helps us not to walk into things all the time). Makes sense to me.

I believe that Moffit and Brown missed a few myths. As a public service, I will present them here:
1. A “No Brainer.” Not true. If someone’s a no brainer, meaning they have no brain, then they are a zombie. At least, I don’t think zombies have brains.
2. “Blow your mind” or be “mind blowing.” Again, not true. If something blows your mind, once again, you become a zombie.
3. “Mind altering” or “mind expanding.” Not true. You brain is what it is. Once you become an adult, it is fully grown. It may shrink as you grow older but won’t expand. “Mime” altering is something else entirely.
4. Eating cold ice cream will make your “brain freeze.” Not true. Opening the top of your head on a cold day will freeze your brain.
5. Your brain can get a “brain cramp” or a “brain fart”. “Not true. Muscles cramp, not brains. Brains can’t fart either. The correct term should be “senior moment’ which can occur at any age.
6. Some people have only “half a brain.” Okay, this one might be true, especially if you’re a politician. This phenomenon can be observed on the news all the time.
7. “A penny for your thoughts.” Due to inflation, the true cost is 26.5 cents for a thought. People who work for a penny a thought are under paid. This is especially true for writers and bloggers like me.
8. Someone can get “inside your head” or “mess with your head.” Not true unless you’re a surgeon. Alcohol can get into your head and mess with your head but not people. If you really want to mess with someone’s head just ask, “You’re not going to wear that, are you?”
9. People can be “brain dead.” This one’s true. When people are brain dead, the body soon follows, and they are declared totally dead. Once that happens, they are either buried, become zombies (see #1 above), get elected to congress or become a candidate for President.
10. People can be “scatter brained.” Not true. Your brain is contained in your scull and can’t scatter. This should not be confused with having your “brains scattered” by some horrible accident. 

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April 01st, 2022

4/1/2022

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Script for Undercover Agents on TV

I enjoy watching TV shows like NCIS, The Blacklist, The Rookie and Law and Order. If you are a fan, you know when the agents go undercover, they use ear buds that transmit and receive so they can communicate. Everyone knows that. So why is it that the mega-corporate outfits that are behind all the evil in the world (on TV) never bother to check in their ears when they do a pat down? Surely, at least one employee has a TV and watches the shows.    

I would like to see one scene that follows the script below:    
​
KEN ENTERS. Ken: is a super undercover agent. Security stops him at the entrance of a meg-corporation (the one behind all evil in the world) after passing through the scanner.    
TINY sits at a desk in front of ken. She is a female ex-wrestler now working security.  
TINY: Sir, you just made my day.    
KEN: What seems to be the problem?    
TINY: Well, sir, our scanner indicated that you have a few items that you will have to leave here. You can pick them up when you leave the facility.    
KEN: Like what?
TINY: (chuckles) Let’s start with the pistol in your waistband.    
KEN: I have a permit to carry a concealed weapon. I have a constitutional right to bear arms.    
TINY: True. However, we have the right to keep you out of this private property if you have a weapon. Surrender the piece or leave.    
KEN: (removes pistol and places it on the desk) Okay. I forgot I even had it.   
TINY: The other one too.   
KEN: What other one?   
TINY: The one strapped to your right calf.    
KEN: (Removes second pistol) Now I feel naked.    
TINY: I wish. We don’t allow cellphone either. Leave your cellphone.     
Ken takes out his cellphone and places it on the desk.     
TINY: Now the other one.    
KEN: What other one?    
TINY: The one strapped to your left calf.    
Ken removes the second cellphone.     
TINY: Our scanner indicates that you have ear buds.    
KEN: No. No. That must be a false reading. I have nothing in my ears.    
TINY: If you insist. (yells) Max!    
ENTER MAXIMO, a former sumo wrestler now working security. He holds a large hand-held magnet to the side of Ken’s head. A small ear communication device pops out. He does the same to Ken’s other ear and another device pops out.    
KEN: Oh. You mean those?    
TINY: (giggling) Our scanner indicated that you have another device in your colon. Please remove that device too.    
KEN: Now that’s too much. That has to be a mistake.    
TINY: Okay, play it your way. Max!    
Maximo starts toward ken with the magnet.     
KEN: Oh, you know what? I think I am in the wrong place. I should be in the next building. I will just leave. Sorry for any inconvenience. Bye.    
TINY: God, I love this job.

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    Author

    Monte is the author of several  e-books on Amazon and smashwords.com


    Buy Monte's e-books:
    The Throuple Private Eye--Business is Booming.
    ​​The Throuple Private Eye--Hate Crimes
    ​
    A Head for Murder
    The Register cliff Rapist
    The Clone Murders,
    Archimedes of Syracuse: Leonardo da Vinci's Mentor,
    Leadership for New Managers: Book Two

    FREE E-BOOKS:
    Angels and Gargoyles

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