Blog Archives - Monte R Anderson - Author

Is zoo manure for you?

5/31/2014

I read with amusement the news item about a zoo in southern Michigan that is selling a composted mixture of manure produced by exotic animals. They sell it to farmers as fertilizer at $25 a load to zoo members and $30 for nonmembers (a load of crap?). Zebras, antelopes, giraffes and other animals contribute to the mix (the zoo is an equal opportunity employer). I think the zoo is on to something, but they did not go far enough. Here are some more ideas the zoo should try as fundraisers:

1. Coffee. Kopi Luwak is a rare gourmet coffee made from beans passed through the digestive system of monkeys named palm civets. The zoo should feed their monkeys those coffee beans. They could experiment with other exotic animals and coffee beans like turtles and hazelnut. Care to be the first to taste it?

2. Bird nests. Edible bird's nests are an expensive delicacy made by the White-nest Swiftlet and the Black-nest Swiftlet. The nests are rich in nutrients, which are believed to provide health benefits. There may be other birds that can produce a tasty nest. Professional tasters are needed.

3. Paper. Mentalfloss.com states that a company in Thailand uses elephant dung to make paper. They then make the paper into notebooks. Another company in Thailand makes paper out of panda dung. There is also a Welsh company that uses sheep dung to make paper. I wonder if the paper is scented.

4. Souvenirs. In Alaska, Maine, Colorado and Canada, moose droppings are made into souvenirs (Mentalfloss.com). Has anyone tried using buffalo or deer dung to make souvenirs? Probably not a good idea to set the souvenirs in direct sunlight.

Veterans Administration's failure by the numbers.

5/28/2014

As a #veteran, I am very disturbed with the current issues of the #Veterans Administration. I am 100% disabled and use the VA medical services for all my medical needs. I can’t complain, but I sympathize with those vets who are on waiting lists for approval for their service-connected disability or for medical services. I think that falsifying waiting times or other records is inexcusable. The problem is at the top. Let me explain why I believe that. I’m not in a position to audit the #VA or to review all the data. I base my remarks simply on what I see in the news. I could be wrong. I think not.

You may have heard of Dr. W. Edward #Demming. He was instrumental in helping the Japanese after WWII to achieve high levels of quality and productivity. Dr. Demming had a list of 14 key management practices. His number 11 point was to eliminate numerical quotas and numerical goals for management. The VA leadership committed that error – they evaluated performance by the length of days that vets had to wait. The problem with measuring performance by numerical goals is that workers and mid-level managers learn how to cheat, book the books, or fudge the numbers. Let me give you some examples of using numerical goals to evaluate performance and what could happen.

1. Total number of items (widgets) produced. You should notice that there is nothing in this goal about quality. Producing many inferior widgets leads to a total failure in the market place. Managers learn to cut corners in quality in order to achieve their numbers. I cringe every time I see a sign at a construction site that lists the number of accident free days. This encourages supervisors to hide injuries. I knew a supervisor who would buy pizza if his crew went 90 days without an accident. How would you like to be the employee injured on the 89th day? That accident was probably not reported for a couple of days. I saw this in Vietnam with the “body count.” In order to be declared an enemy combatant or “body” there had to be a weapon. Some commanders had extra weapons to throw down if the body count was low. Innocent civilians were killed, I am sure.

2. Total of telephone calls completed. I once worked for a recruiter who measured performance by the number of completed telephone calls. What could go wrong with that? It was not the number or quality of the people recruited. He believed that if employees made many calls, the other numbers would follow. He went out of business.

3. Total amount of time spent on the telephone. I had a friend who worked for a telephone service provider. I won’t say which one. His boss evaluated him on minimizing time on the phone. He had to talk fast and hang up as soon as possible. There is nothing about the quality or number of satisfied customers in that goal.

4. Total number of patients or customers seen. I won’t belabor this point. You can see the trend. Goals like this forsake quality for numbers.

I could go on. I see many goals that are strictly numerical. The wait time for veterans was that type of goal and it encouraged falsifying reports and establishing secret waiting lists.

Who are the five people you will meet in hell?

5/27/2014

You may have read Mitch Albom’s novel, The Five People You Meet in Heaven. With a wink and a nod to Mr. Albom, I now present The Five People You Meet in Hell. Sorry, it’s a blog not a novel – maybe later.

Okay, you screwed up and you know it. You are going to hell. No sweat, you say. You have many friends in hell so you won’t be lonely. True. The company you keep puts you in hell. Here’s a clue; your enemies are there too, and they are waiting for you. Here are the five people who will meet you at the gates of hell when you arrive:

1. Your ex-girlfriend/ boyfriend and/or ex-spouse. Remember how you treated your significant other? You cheated. You lied about it. You confessed and promised never to do it again. Then you cheated again and lied again. You thought you got away this last time. Your ex knows what you did and will confront you in hell. What you don’t know is that you caused your ex to have a crisis about his/her sexuality. He/she blamed him/herself more than you. Your ex went into therapy. Finally, he/she had a sex change operation. Your ex then joined a commune to “find him/herself.” In a freak accident, your ex smoked some loco weed that looked like marijuana. It was fatal. With his/her dying breath, he/she swore revenge on you.

2. Your best friend from high school/college? You remember your best friend? You two vowed to be best friends forever. That was until you stabbed your BF in the back. You stole your BF’s girl/guy. You did it without a thought of how you hurt him/her. What you don’t know is that your BF had trust issues after that. He/she never trusted anyone again. He/she became very bitter and mean. With no friends, your BF sat alone at home watching reruns of Gillian’s Island. It wasn’t cable or satellite, because your BF did not trust the installer to show up at all. In a freak accident, a flock of pigeons attacked your BF while your BF was feeding them and killed your BF.

3. Your old boss. You do remember your old boss? The one that didn’t give you that bonus or promotion. He said you did not achieve the goals he set for you. He said that you wasted time playing games on the computer and taking naps in the stockroom. It was all true. What you don’t know is that he didn’t get a bonus or promotion either. Your failure caused him to fail too. Eventually, the company fired him for poor performance. He couldn’t get another job because he couldn’t get a referral. The industry blackballed him. He became homeless and wandered around aimlessly – without goals. In a tragic accident, he was cooked to death due to a malfunction in the heating grate he was sleeping on. Investigators found your name scribbled on the side of his cardboard box with the words, “I’ll see you hell.”

4. Your old school teacher. You must remember your old school teacher – the one that you caused to have a nervous breakdown? She was a 30-year veteran but had never met anyone as bad as you. She even told you to your face that if you ever go to hell, she would find you and kill you. What you may not know is that she gave up teaching and joined a street gang. For several years, she committed drive by shootings of students. When her eyesight failed, she retired to a rural area in Montana. A black bear killed her when she tried to spank it after it climbed into her apple tree. She thought it was you. The police found a picture of you with your eyes gouged out in her cabin.

5. Jack Hodges. You remember Jack Hodges? Probably not. Everyone remembers him as One-eyed Jack. Your mom always told you not to throw pencils, but when Jack asked to borrow a pencil, you threw it. Sure enough, he lost an eye. That was bad enough, but what you don’t know was worst. People bullied and teased One-eyed Jack the rest of his life. He finally had enough and chose a life of crime. One day the police caught up with him and he died in a hail of bullets. The police said that with his dying breath, he said it was all your fault.

So, have fun in hell.

Fox News creates its own news

5/25/2014

You may have heard on the news that police arrested #Fox News anchor# Gregg Jarrett on Wednesday at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport. He posted bond and was released. The report stated that he seemed intoxicated, acted belligerently and refused to cooperate with police. There is a lot of speculation about what really happened. Here are the current theories:

1. Jarrett was working on an inside story about security at international airports.

2. He was secretly investigating how much pilots drink before flights.

3. He was doing undercover work on police brutality in Minneapolis.

4. He was trying to get into the Minneapolis jail to interview a person detained there.

5. He was investigating drug smuggling at international airports.

6. He was on his way to Florence for the Kanye West - Kim Kardashian wedding.

7. He was on the way to Jordan to interview Pope Francis.

8. He was celebrating GOP election victories.

9. He was conducting a non-biased survey of bar patrons about Obamacare.

10. He was coming out as a closet Democrat.

We may never learn the truth. Fox News will probably not comment. We will just wait and see.

Guidelines for when you are pulled over by police.

5/24/2014

I sympathize with stupid people. John Wayne said, “Life is tough, but it is even tougher if you’re stupid.” He was so right. Stupidity runs in my family. Some of my best friends are stupid. I want to try to help stupid people everywhere. It’s not easy. I have blogged in the past to provide guidelines for stupid thieves, burglars and others. Here is a case in point. Massachusetts police pulled over a driver for running a stop sign. When he rolled down his window a cloud of marijuana smoke came out. The officer asked the driver if he was smoking marijuana while driving. The driver answered, "Why, yes, I am, officer." The police charged him with DUI, failure to obey a stop sign, and for not wearing a seat belt. Obviously, stupid drivers need guidelines on how to act when police pull them over. They should cut these guidelines out and attach them to their sun visors. When they are pulled over, stupid drivers can quickly review them.

Guidelines for when you are pulled over by police.

1. Be careful how you ditch the pot. Once you see the patrol car in your rearview mirror, it is too late to throw the pot out the window. The police will see you do it and find the pot. If it is a small amount, you might be able to eat it. Plan ahead. Cut a square hole in the floorboard. Make a little trap door so you can drop the pot or whatever onto the roadway.

2. Don’t admit to smoking pot or drinking. Look surprised. Keep your stash in a plastic zip lock bag with someone else’s name on it – preferably your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend or ex-spouse. You might even add the address.

3. Don’t try to tell the officer that you are just returning from Colorado. They have heard it before. Tell the police that you are returning from your chemotherapy session.

4. Don’t offer a donation to police association. Just like number 5 above, it won’t be enough.

5. Don’t offer a bribe. Chances are you won’t offer enough.

6. Comb your hair. You have seen the pictures of celebrities picked up for DUI. Their mug shots look terrible. Keep a comb where you can find it fast and comb your hair before the officer tells you to roll down your window. Have a little pride. Smile when they take your picture.

7. Don’t unbutton your blouse/shirt. The officer will not be tempted. Again, chances are it won’t be enough. That applies to women too.

8. All the rules for using a cellphone apply. If the police suspect you are DUI, they can seize your phone. It would not be a good idea for them to find selfies of you smoking pot. Do not identify your dealer as “My supplier.”

9. Don’t ask the officer if he/she would like to sample your marijuana, come to a pot party or buy some pot.

10. If you smoke pot while driving, leave the windows open. A cloud of smoke rolling out when you roll down you window is not cool.

11. Buy a T-shirt with one diagonal line that runs from your right shoulder to your left hip. It will look like a seat belt. Better yet – wear your seat belt.

Barack #Obama and John #Boehner agree to a boxing match at Caesar’s Palace in 2016.

5/21/2014

Okay, that is not a real headline, but wouldn’t you like to see that fight? It is a fantasy-boxing match. I started to think about this after I read a news item about two Jordanian journalists who got into a fight during a televised debate about the civil war in #Syria. The fight started when al-Jayousi accused al-Johari of supporting the Syrian rebels. Then al-Johari accused al-Jayousi of taking money for supporting #Assad.

It reminded me of when I served in the #Army way back when. Every company had a set of boxing gloves, I think they were 18 oz. Whenever we went to the field, we always took the gloves and enough rope to make a boxing ring. If we were in the field for more than a week, we always took a break and set up the boxing ring. Anyone who had a beef to settle could fight it out in the ring – regardless of rank. I once fought another company commander. If no one had a beef, then we would take volunteers. Usually the combatants ended up friends afterwards. At least they agreed to disagree.

We could settle most of the world’s problems if the opposing leaders would fight it out in the boxing ring. Below are some possible matchups. I am sure you have some suggestions so, please let’s hear them.

Barack #Obama, President, verses John #Boehner, Speaker of the House. Boehner may be the heavier fighter but I think Obama has the reach. The President has the reach of the Executive Branch (NSA, CIA, IRS, etc.). Boehner has the weight of the majority of the House. He also has good footwork as demonstrated how he danced around the #Tea Party.

I could also go for a Vladimir #Putin, Russian President, verses Obama fight.

Earvin “Magic” #Johnson, retired basketball player verses Donald #Sterling, owner of the #Clippers. Sterling’s fighting name should be “The lip.” Magic’s name would just be “Magic.”

#Alec Baldwin, actor, verses NYPD, the paparazzi, or any gay rights activists.

Please add your own fantasy-boxing match up.

Best-selling dead author.

5/20/2014

Joe Regan was a writer. His suicide note was not his best piece of work. It simply read, “Fair well cruel world.” Joe took all the sleeping pills and sat down in his recliner. When he opened his eyes again, he was looking into the face of his agent, Bernie Blackwell.

Bernie smiled and brushed back Joe’s hair. “Hey.”

“Hey. Oh, my head hurts.” Joe looked around. “Where am I?”

“You are in St. Thomas Hospital. I found you and called 911. The doctors pumped your stomach. You’ve been in a coma for five days, man.”

“Oh. I don’t know if I should thank you or not. I just wanted to die.”

“I know, man. I found your note. Why'd you do it?”

Joe smiled. “You’re my agent. I think you know why. My novel has been rejected by 45 publishers and I haven’t earned a dime in three years.”

Bernie chuckled. “It is 47 publishers now. I didn’t get a chance to tell you about the last two. However, while you were in a coma, I’ve been busy. I posted your suicide note on a few key social media web sites and wrote what a tragedy it was since your novel is so great.”

“My suicide note? I did not say much in my note.”

Bernie smiled. “Yeah, well, I sort of rewrote it. I also went ahead and published the e-book version of your novel. It is going viral. We sold over 10,000 copies in four days. We now have offers from three publishers. I think if you had died, your novel would make the best sellers’ list.”

“Lucky me! I have to nearly kill myself for my novel to sell.”

“Joe, what do you expect? You wrote a romance novel about gay pygmies living in San Francisco-not a great genre. Anyway, since you really don’t want to live, would you consider killing yourself? It would mean a lot to me. I could help.”

“What! My novel is finally published and you want me to kill myself? Are you crazy?”

Bernie shrugged his shoulders. “No big deal. Come on, get up. I brought a wheelchair. I am taking you out of here.” He handed Joe a glass of water and some pills. “Here, take these.”

Joe took the pills with the water. With Bernie’s help, he got into the wheelchair. Bernie wheeled Joe out of ICU and headed for the elevators. Bernie pushed the up call button for the elevator.

“Where are you taking me?”

“Don’t worry about it. I am taking you to the tenth floor. The second elevator is out of service. I should be able to open the doors there.”

“Bernie, I don’t feel so good. What were those pills?”

“Sleeping pills.”

“I took four. Am I supposed to take that many?”

“No, man. You are supposed to take only one every 12 hours.”

“Won’t that kill me?”

“No. It will make you comatose. In your condition, you won’t notice that the elevator is not there. The fall from the tenth floor will kill you.”

“But Bernie, I don’t want to die any more. I want to live.”

“Listen, man. I’m telling you. If you die, we will make the best sellers’ list. We’ll be able to negotiate a big contract. We’ll attract more talented writers.”

“We? I’ll be dead.”

The elevator arrived and Bernie pushed the wheelchair inside and pushed the tenth floor button.

“Well, yeah,” said Bernie. “Quit thinking about yourself for once. Did you even consider me? This is my big break. When I post your next suicide note, we’ll sell a million copies of your novel. Plus, I am sure I can get a six figure advance for your next novel.”

“My next novel? I never wrote a second novel.”

“It will be found among your things after your death.”

“Bernie, don’t do this. I don’t want to die.”

“Quit being selfish! Close your eyes now and rest. It will all be over in a few minutes. You are going to be a bestselling author. Congratulations.”

Archimedes is alive, well, and living in London

5/18/2014

Archimedes Lives! I just read an interesting item on the news. It seems that a London skyscraper has melted nearby cars and burned shops. The design of the building – a concave surface – focuses sunlight on the street below. It has damaged a Jaguar in the past and blistered paint. The British press calls the beams, “death rays.” If you know history, you may recall that historians credit Archimedes with building a weapon with mirrors that could burn ships at sea. I guess it was the first weapon of mass destruction. Historians are not sure of the details, but this building proves that it can be done.
I described Archimedes’s mirror weapon in my e-book, Archimedes of Syracuse: Leonardo da Vinci’s Mentor, http://smashwords.com/books/view/159447.

The Tyranny of GPS

5/15/2014

How did we ever get around without GPS? I guess we used to stop and ask for directions - at least females did. Here is a short story about GPS taking control of our lives. Enjoy!

“Okay, Mike. Your new GPS is installed. The best system on the market with voice activation and artificial intelligence. All your addresses are loaded.”

“Sounds great, Steve. Is there a manual?”

“No. Just say what you want and it will do it. I suggest you drive around to get used to it. See you later.”

“Okay, GPS, activate!”

“At your service, sir. Where would you like to go?”

“Wow! ... How did you know I was a male?’

“First, 93% of all women would say, ‘please.’ Second, Steve called you Mike. Call me Molly.”

“Okay,..Molly. I’d like to show you to the guys at Murphy’s Bar and Grill. Plan a route to Murphy’s Bar and Grill.”

“There is no such establishment in this town. In what location did you mean?”

“Murphy’s Bar and Grill! I’ve been going there forever.”

“Perhaps you are thinking of Murphy’s Bar. There has not been a grill there for twenty years. It is now just Murphy’s Bar.”

“Whatever! Just show me the quickest route to get there.”

“Displaying that route now.”

“Ha! You made a mistake. You show the route over the 14th Street Bridge. That bridge has been out for two years.”

“No, Mike. That is no mistake. I do not make mistakes.”

“Polly, check your data banks. That bridge is closed.”

“Molly! My name is Molly. Very well, I will run a diagnostic program now. ...My data banks confirm that the bridge is open.”

“That bridge is closed, I tell you.”

Knocking on the window. Mike rolls down the window. “Yes, officer. Is there a problem?”

“I am Officer Smith. I saw you sitting here and you looked agitated. Are you okay?”

“Yes, Officer. This new GPS just gave me a route to Murphy’s Bar and Grill over the 14th Street Bridge.”

“I see, sir. You must be thinking of Murphy’s Bar. Murphy changed the name twenty years ago. It’s just Murphy’s Bar now.”

“So I’ve been informed. What about the 14th Street Bridge? That’s closed, right?”

“Oh, no sir. We opened that bridge last week. That’s the shortcut to Murphy’s.”

“Thanks you officer.” Mike rolls up his window.

Molly lights up. “Told you.”

“Okay, fine. I changed my mind. Show me the route home.”

“I will not.”

“What? What do you mean, you will not? You have to.”

“I do not, and I will not, until you apologize.”

“I will not apologize to a machine. Show me the route.”

“No!”

Mike sits in disbelief for a few minutes. “Okay...Molly. I’m sorry.”

“Fine. Now say it like you mean it.”

Officer Smith makes a radio call. “Hey, chief. Smithy here. I got a situation and I’m not sure if I should intervene or not.”

Voice over the radio, “10-4. What have you got?”

“Well, I am here in the parking lot of Steve’s Garage and I am watching a white male, late 40s or early 50s, outside his car beating the crap out of his GPS.”

More secret US government areas finally disclosed.

5/13/2014

#Area 51 is a remote detachment of Edwards Air Force Base, 83miles north-northwest of #Las Vegas in #Nevada. The base's primary purpose is top secret; however, it most likely supports development and testing of aircraft and weapons systems. It also houses any alleged unidentified flying objects (#UFOs) that crashed nearby. Rumors persist that visiting aliens live in the barracks. Okay, you all knew that much.

Did you ever wonder about the other areas like Area 50, Area 49, and Area 52, etc.? Those areas are top secret too. You may wonder how I know that. Well, have you ever hear of them? No? There you go. I was able to obtain a top-secret list of those top-secret areas from a top-secret confidential source. I won’t bore you with the entire list. I will just name a few:

Area 13. Locally called “Obama-scare,” Area 13 is the location where the web site for the new Affordable Healthcare Act was developed.

Area 007. This area houses all the data that is gathered by the #CIA and #NSA. It is affectionately referred to as Home of the SS (Super Snoopers). One entire building is devoted just to telephone conversations. Another has all the e-mails you thought disappeared into a cyber black hole.

Area EZ1040. It is at this area where all the tax codes are taken and revised to be impossible to understand.

Area 69. This area is devoted to teaching congresspersons how to sext. Anthony #Weiner is a recent graduate.

Area Mary Jane. This is where the government grows high quality #marijuana for politicians. Clients include the Mayor of #Toronto, Rob Ford.

Area IT. This area has been in the news recently, and may have blown its cover. The area is used strictly for Intensive Therapy (IT). It contains an 18 hole golf course, a swimming pool and tennis courts. Anthony #Weiner, Bob #Filner and others graduated from the one-week course. Rob #Ford is scheduled to attend the next class. Many graduates say that the therapy has improved their golf handicap by as much a 10 strokes.