Blog Archives - Monte R Anderson - Author

We Small Band of Brothers and Sisters – a Tribute to Veterans

5/28/2017

May 29, 2017 is Memorial Day, a day set aside to honor all men and women who have died in military service for the United States. As we veterans of the Vietnam war say, “All gave some, some gave all.” Those of us that are still alive -- we small band of veterans – salute and raise our glasses to all brothers and sisters who served, living and dead. I have taken the liberty (editorial license) to re-phrase the St. Crispin’s Day speech from William Shakespeare’s play, Henry V. My apologies to Bill. If you haven’t read it, check it out. It will resonate. It’s the speech that Henry V made to the English army shortly before the Battle of Agincourt on the morning of 25 October 1415. That’s where the term, "band of brothers", comes from.

Those of us who came home will stand attention on this day, Memorial Day, and salute all veterans, living or dead who answered when their country called. Those who had no stomach for the fight, stayed home. We didn’t care to die in their company when they valued their life rather than fight and die with us. We who survived will yearly on this day strip our sleeves and show our scars, and say "These wounds I had in the service of my country."

Old men may forget; but on this day, we band of brothers and sisters will remember what feats we did. Our fallen comrades will be freshly remembered. With these stories, we’ll teach our sons and daughters. From this day to the ending of the world, as long as we live, we will remember.
We few, we happy few, we are a band of brothers and sisters; for anyone that served with me
is my brother or sister.

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10 More Habits to Change to Increase Productivity at Work

5/26/2017

I read with interest the “5 Bad Habits You Must Change to be more productive” written by Ahmed Safwan. He listed over scheduling, multi-tasking, aiming for perfection, skipping breaks to get more done and not rewarding yourself. I guess he forgot the big changes needed to be more productive. Here they are:

1.      Stop using drugs during work.
2.      Stop drinking alcohol at work.
3.      Show up at work and stop skipping work.
4.      Stop staying up all night partying the night before work.
5.      Stop sleeping at work.
6.      Stop taking a smoke break every 15 minutes.
7.      Stop having sex at work.
8.      Stop playing computer games at work.
9.      Stop watching porn at work.
10. Stop trying to doctor the books.

Try these changes and watch your productivity take off.

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I Confess – I Believe the Lies I Tell Myself (After 7 Decades)

5/22/2017

I Confess – I Believe the Lies I Tell Myself (After 7 Decades)

A lot of discussion about Michael Flynn on whether he lied in his application for a security clearance and lied to VP Mike Pence about of his calls with the Russian ambassador. I am sympathetic. I have often lied to myself. I tell myself these lies over and over until I begin to believe them:
1.      That’s a name I won’t forget.
2.      I can easily lose those ten pounds.
3.      I don’t need to write that down – I’ll remember.
4.      I can still drive after four drinks.
5.      I can quit smoking/drinking/eating/drugs anytime I want.
6.      You still got it.
7.      Yeah, she wants me.
8.      My mind is as sharp as ever.
9.      I’m a very tolerant and reasonable person.
10. There’s nothing wrong with my hearing – people mumble.
11. Yeah, I can still wear this old outfit.
12. I’m above average in intelligence.
13. I’m a “people person.”
14. I have a great sense of humor.
15. I’m “open-minded”.
16. I’m very truthful with myself.
17. I’ll do it tomorrow.
If you lie to yourself enough times, you can lie to anyone.
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More Things You Should Never Do at a Wedding

5/18/2017

I read with interest an article from Brides by Jaimie Mackey, “What You Should Never, Ever, Ever Do at a Wedding.” She listed forgetting to RSVP, showing up late, not showing up at all, wearing white, disrespecting the staff and getting trashed. I guess she forgot the big no-no’s. Here they are:
1.      Never speak up when the minister said, “If anyone objects to this union, speak up now or forever hold your peace”; unless you have a really good reason.
2.      Never show the videos from the bachelor/bachelorette party.
3.      Never bring the slut that the groom used to date as your plus one.
4.      Never hit on the groom/bride or the parents.
5.      Never bring your AK-47 painted white.
6.      Never take your clothes off.
7.      Never challenge the Bride’s Maids to a pole dancing contest.
8.      Never bring Tupperware to the reception.
9.      Never challenge the Bride or Groom to a wrestling match.
10. Never ask the Bride or Groom if they’re interested in a threesome.
11. Never share your stash.
12. Never tell the Bride or Groom, “You can do better.”
13. Never tell the Bride that you can’t believe she wore white.
14. Never bet on how long the marriage will last.
15. Never bring your pet monkey or snake.

If you can keep these simple rules in mind, you might stay out of trouble at the wedding.

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May 15th, 2017

5/15/2017

Here is a list of some of the indicators that you may have screwed something up:
1. Your pet gives you the silent treatment and won’t look at you.
2. Your mother unfriends you on Facebook.
3. You GPS tells you, “Get lost.”
4. Your boss starts calling you Mr. or Ms. plus your last name.
5. Your dad cuts you out of his will even though he doesn’t have anything.
6. Your kids send you an e-mail stating they found a sibling they never knew they had.
7. You wake up and you’re not sure what town you are in.
8. HR wants to talk to you about your secretary.
9. The sex video you made is no longer on your computer.
10. The IRS left a message on your voice mail.
11. Your lawyer won’t return your calls.
12. The CFO wants to talk with you about your business trip to Vegas.
13. Your boss now calls you “Stupid.”
14. Some guy named Slasher leaves a message that the Don wants to talk to you.
15. The FBI would like to talk to you.
16. When you come home, your house is covered with crime scene tape.
17. You find a group of reporters waiting for you when you arrive at work.
18. Your car explodes in the parking lot.
19. You realize that you are being followed by a drone.
20. All your credit cards are declined.
21. All your clothes are on the front lawn when you come home.
22. A SWAT team crashes down your front door.
23. A TSA agent makes an urgent telephone call when he sees your airline ticket.
24. A police cruiser pulls you over while you’re still parked in the parking lot.
25. You find a package of white powder in your briefcase.

These less than subtle signs should tell you that there is trouble brewing ahead.

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15 More Jobs that are Dangerous

5/11/2017

I read with interest an item on my news feed, “16 Jobs that are Surprisingly Dangerous.” It listed
building cleaner, nurse, landscaper, construction worker, truck driver, fisherman, garbage man, meat processing worker, farmer, shopkeeper, mining machine operator, teacher, vet, real estate agent, factory worker, and garage worker. Of course, it failed to mention many others. Here is my list of more dangerous jobs:
1.      Drug Dealer; okay, not a legal job but someone has to do it.
2.      Bag man for the mob; another illegal job.
3.      Snitch, confidential informant or undercover agent for the FBI or police. Duh. This goes without saying.
4.      International spy
5.      Javelin catcher
6.      Mule for a Columbian Drug Cartel
7.      Alligator wrestler; sometimes the alligator wins.
8.      Snake charmer; cobras aren’t always charming.
9.      Test dummy for automobiles
10. Food taster for Kim Jong-un of North Korea. It has its perks.
11. Suicide bomber
12. Body double for celebrities; why would anyone take a bullets for someone else.
13. American professor in an exchange program at a university in North Korea; read the news.
14. Tester for shark cages, parachutes and Tasers
15. Politician; there’s an old American tradition of shooting our politicians. Abraham Lincoln, James Garfield, William McKinley and John F. Kennedy were assassinated in office. Other politicians killed or wounded include people like Gabrielle Giffords, Derwin Brown (Sheriff-elect of DeKalb County, Ga.), James E. Davis (New York City Councilman), Bill Gwatney (Chairman of Arkansas Democratic Party) John Thornton (Mayor of Washington Park, Ill.)
John Roll (2011) U.S. Federal Judge

I recommend you avoid these jobs.

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A National Military Appreciation Month Tribute

5/8/2017

May is National Military Appreciation Month honoring the current and former members of the U.S. Armed Forces, including those who have died in the pursuit of freedom. This is my tribute to our veterans. When I write “brother” I am including sisters too.
Were you there with me, brother, with muddy boots when we stormed Normandy and started to push back the Germany Army? Or were you with the 82d Airborne and Patton at the Battle of the Bulge. We liberated Paris. We stood in shook as we saw the survivors of the concentration camps. We saw the ovens and can still smell the burning flesh. We saw the destruction of the German cities, many centuries old – the victims of war. We forgave but couldn’t forget. After the war, we helped to rebuild Europe.
Were you there with me, brother, when the Japanese surprised us and bombed Peral Harbor without a declaration of war? Maybe you were there when Bataan fell and the Japanese bottled us up in the tunnels of Corregidor. We who survived made the Bataan Death March. We fought back at the battles of the Coral Sea, Midway and Guadalcanal. You walked with me and Mac in muddy boots as we leap-frogged across the South Pacific to push the Japanese back and finally returned to the Philippines
We are so few still living. We were the greatest American generation. Those who survived the war came home and built and rebuilt the United States industries to make the USA the greatest country in the world – a world super power. We made the mold, set the standard and inspired future generations. Soon we will be gone but never forgotten.
Were you there with me, brother, at Pusan when we stopped the North Koreans and held the perimeter? We held the line to buy time for Mac to organize a counterattack. Or maybe you came ashore at Inchon in an amphibious landing that turned the tide of the war and turned back the communists? Then we watched the massive Chinese intervention into the Korean War and fought a strategic withdraw. We fought at Bloody Ridge, Heartbreak Ridge and Old Baldy. We were the "The Chosin Few” or, as we called ourselves, “The Frozen Chosin.” We have been there ever since to protect the South Koreans.
Were you there with me, brother, when we went to fight in a country we didn’t know to fight a war we didn’t start and didn’t want. We wadded through rice paddies and walked in elephant grass. We were in the Delta when the monsoon struck and soaked us until we looked like drowned rats. We fought at Khe San, in Hue during the Tet Offensive, and on Hamburger Hill. We felt the earth tremble during Arclight strikes by B-52 Stratofortresses, or when the artillery answered a call for fire support or when Hueys airlifted us into battle or for a medevac. We marveled when Spooky –Puff the Magic Dragon – delivered ordinance on Charlie, or when artillery flares lit up the night or when ice cream, still cold, made it to the field. Even now, on a clear day when the wind is right, we can still smell the burning crappers, the smoke from smoke grenades and the napalm. Our ears still ring from the sounds of claymores going off, from incoming rockets and the cries of our wounded. We fought to hold the line against communism until finally we withdrew and Saigon fell. But we fought mainly to protect our brothers on our flanks. When we came home, no one said “Thanks for your service,” or “Job well done,” or even, “Welcome home.”
Were you there with me, brother, when we went into the Dominican Republic to stop a communist takeover? Or maybe you were there when we overthrew the socialists in Grenada? We captured the Panamanian dictator and drug-smuggler Manuel Noriega. We were in Lebanon when terrorists bombed the Marine barracks in Beirut. We lost many brothers that day. The cost of freedom is high and is paid in blood in places like Somalia, Bosnia and Kosovo. Freedom isn’t free.
Were you there with me, brother, when Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein invaded Kuwait and crossed the line we had drawn in the sand? We countered attacked with Desert Storm. We liberated Kuwait in 100 hours. We stood in shock as we watched oil wells burn. Finally, we invaded Iraq and occupied Baghdad. We searched and captured Hussein. He was tried and hanged. The country held free elections to vote in a new government. We felt the heat in July and August and froze our butts in January. We are still there to help keep the peace and to fight terrorism.
Were you there with me, brother, when we went after the Taliban and Osama bin Laden in Afghanistan? We hunted down Osama bin Laden and finally found him in Abbotabad, Pakistan where Navy seals killed him. We participated in Operation Khanjar ("strike of the sword"). We felt the oppressively heat of summer in Kandahar. We are still there to help keep the peace and to fight terrorism.

During this month we honor all veterans, living or dead. We shall never forget. We stand shoulder to shoulder with all veterans whether we share the same foxhole or just the same experiences. We have your six.
--Monte R. Anderson
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Spring Cleaning for the Uninhibited

5/4/2017

Now that Spring is here, I read with interest a news item about what to throw out from your closets. Heading the list were clothes but also old Halloween costumes, cosmetics, and anything from your ex’s. I think several things were omitted from the list. I have included them here:

Your cousin who has been in the closet since junior high school.
Those old eight track tapes (also the 78 rpm records).
The pervert neighbor who likes to hide in there while you dress.
Your significant other’s underwear that you like to dress up in when your significant other is out of town.
Your stash of Playboy magazines and other porn.
The KKK hood and gown that you thought would make a hilarious Halloween costume but didn’t.
The booze or candy that you hid there so your significant other wouldn’t find it.
Several skeletons from your family.
Jimmy Hoffa’s body.
Whips, chains and other erotic paraphilia from former lovers.
Old Barbie dolls. Who needs them, right?
You brother’s baseball card collection. A useless hobby.
Old comic books dating back to the 1930’s. Who reads this stuff?
Old pipe bombs your significant other never finished making.
That ghost that haunts your house.

I hope this has helped you in your Spring cleaning.

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The Not So Subtle Signs You’re About to be Fired

5/1/2017

I have seen several articles lately about the subtle signs you are about to be terminated. What about the obvious, not so subtle signs? Here is a list of some of the indicators that you may be the next employee terminated:
1. You show up at work and your company has moved without leaving a forwarding address.
2. You arrive at work and a SWAT team is about to break down your office door.
3. Your car is towed out of the company parking lot.
4. A new employee is sitting at your desk.
5. Your favorite food is no longer served in the company cafeteria.
6. Housekeeping drops off a bunch of cardboard boxes at your desk.
7. Your administrative assistant is sending out resumes.
8. Recruiters start calling you at home.
9. You’re not notified of an emergency meeting of a committee that you’re on.
10. Your password to the company computer doesn’t work.
11. No one returns your calls or e-mails.
12. People cancel appointments with you.
13. Your telephone has been disconnected.
14. Your key to the executive bathroom doesn’t work. (Take the hint.)
15. A new roster of employees no longer lists you.
16. A new organization chart no longer shows your department.
17. Your department is not mentioned in the new budget.
18. Your friends start sending you e-mails asking if you’re okay.
19. Coworkers stop by your office to say that they will miss you.
20. A coworker steals your chair and desk lamp.
21. The mail room want to know where to forward your mail.
22. Your ID card won’t let you in the building.
23. A security guard follows you to your office.
24. Your return flight on a business trip is cancelled along with your corporate credit card
25. Your boss won’t look you in the eyes.

These less than subtle signs should tell you that you are soon to be history at that company.

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