A while back, I read with interest and article on my newsfeed written by Rachel Sokol in Reader’s Digest, “12 LinkedIn Mistakes that can Cost you the Job.” She was talking about your profile. She listed skimping on work history, hiding your skills, forgetting to brand yourself, neglecting keywords in your summary, ignoring your profile, forgetting to add location, posting political or controversial things, forgetting where and when you met someone, not asking for recommendations, not uploading your whole resume, and not downloading your connections. Many of these also apply to resumes. Of course, whenever people write these lists, they sometimes omit major things. As a community service, with tongue in cheek, I want to add to the list:

1. Don’t mention your fraternity or sorority. If your fraternity or sorority hasn’t been in the news recently for some stupid stunt, it will be. Best not to mention it until after you’re hired.
2. Remember that funny video of you drunk and falling into a wedding cake? Yeah, don’t post that video.
3. Check the background of any pictures you post. Make sure you don’t have things like Confederate flags, your pot bong, your collection of Playboy magazines, your exes, or your KKK hood.
4. It may be too soon to list Trump University on your profile. Hold off on that.
5. Remember, drinking beer while standing on your head is not a skill you should list. That also goes for making pipe bombs, stalking, and coloring, sexting, cooking meth, field stripping an AK47, shooting an RPG, breaking and entering, and picking locks. 
6. Don’t list references who are still in prison.
7. Do not list your time in prison as an extended vacation.
8. Don’t use family as references unless you still have copies of photographs you can use for blackmail.
9. Don’t list your parole officer as a reference. Same for your Alcoholics Anonymous sponsor.
10. Don’t misspell the name of the university you claim to have attended.
11. Don’t try to be clever in your email address, i.e., buttkicker@whatever.com.

Keep these tips in mind as you build you LinkedIn profile and write your resume.
​
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The small group stands in front of the altar: a bride and groom, a minister, and his wife. The candlelight plays on their faces and makes their shadows dance on the empty pews.

The minister continues, "If anyone can show just cause why these two may not marry, speak now; or forever hold your peace."

All four turn when they hear a cough by the door.
“Well, Padre, I have a few things to say.” The voice came from a huge man in an army uniform wearing stripes on this sleeve. Two armed guards stand on either side. “First, this man is AWOL. We ship tomorrow, and I aim to make sure he is on board. Second, he is going to war. He could be dead in a matter of months. Marriage now is not a good idea right now.”

The minister asks, “And how can he be AWOL if he has been gone only for a few hours?”

“Okay, you got me,” the sergeant says. “Technically, he isn’t AWOL- yet. But he is if he misses that ship.”

“Let them finish,” the minister’s wife says.

“Not a good idea. She could be a widow soon,” the sergeant answers.

“What is your name?”

“The name’s McAvoy, First Sergeant Thomas McAvoy, C Company, Fifteenth Infantry.”

“Well, Tom, where are you from?”

“Not that it matters, but I am from Torrington, Wyoming.”

The minister’s wife turns to leave, “I will put on a pot for tea.”

The soldier asks, “How did you find us?”

“That was easy,” the sergeant replies. “I found a letter from your girlfriend. We went to the return address. Her mother told us where to find you.”

“Ten minutes, please,” the minister begs.

“No!” the sergeant answers, somewhat irritated.

“You must know that it is against military regulations to arrest anyone in a church. It is sanctuary–Holy Ground.”

The sergeant stops in his tracks. He looks at the minister’s face to gauge whether he is lying. Finally, he concludes, “You’re bluffing, Padre. And you a man of the cloth and all, and in God’s House too. You should be ashamed.”

The trembling bride finds her own voice, “We have to get married!”

The sergeant and minister both ask, “What?” at the same time.

A little slow and surprised, the soldier finally asks, “What?”

“I’m pregnant! We have to get married.”

The men look at the soldier who looks bewildered. It is obvious that he did not know that his bride was pregnant.

“Look,” the sergeant says. “I know this soldier. He is a good boy. I met your mother, and she says you are a good girl. You must be telling a lie.”

The girl stamps her foot. “You don’t know what kind of girl I am, and neither does my mother. I love him! He is going to war! I know I may not see him again! You do not have to tell me that. We know what we want. We are two adults who are in love, and we want to get married.”

The sergeant looks at his guards who shrug their shoulders.

“Okay but hurry up.”

On cue, the minister continues, “I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.”
With the ceremony concluded, both guards start down the aisle.

“Wait!” the bride shouts. “The honeymoon!”

“You are pushing your luck, little lady. Besides, it is a little late for that,” the sergeant growls as he motions the guards forward.

“Sergeant,” the minister’s wife says from the side doorway. Everyone stops and looks her direction. “You have phone call.”

“What? Who can it be?”

“They did not say, but they asked for you.”

The sergeant follows her to the rectory hall telephone followed by everyone else.

“Hello?” says the sergeant into the receiver. “Oh, my God! I don’t believe this. Yes, of course. Yes, okay, I will do it. It is nice to hear your voice too. Love you too. Goodbye.”
The sergeant turns to face the puzzled group. Looking at the young couple, “You have two hours, Private. If you are not back in two hours, I will track you down myself.” Taking out his wallet, “Here is twenty bucks. Take a cab.” He looks at the snickering guards and says, “The first one to say a word gets a fat lip.”

The stunned soldier says, “I can pay you payday.”

Waving his hand. “Consider it a wedding gift,” the sergeant says.

The bride rushes up and kisses the sergeant on the cheek. “Thank you.”

Before anyone can say another word, Good Wife says, “You can use our bed. Come, help me put on clean sheets for you.”

As the couple climbs the stairs, the soldier whispers to his new bride, “Are you really pregnant?”
“Not yet,” she answers with a giggle.

The minister escorts the sergeant and the guards out the rectory door. A few minutes later, his wife joins him in the living room. “How did you do that?”

“I appealed to a higher authority,” she says coyly.

“Don’t tease me, Good Wife. I am dying to know.”

“I called his mother in Wyoming.”

“Of course! What a great idea! How many McAvoys can there be in Torrington Wyoming?”

His wife chuckles, “Quite a few, apparently. When the operator asked me which one, I said the mother of Tom. When I explained to Mrs. McAvoy what her son was up to, she agreed to straighten him out.”

“You are amazing. I am in awe.”

“What will we do for two hours? We could have a cup of tea, or we could we cuddle on the couch like newlyweds.”

“Tea sounds good right now.”

“I’ll make a pot.”

THE END

​Good Cop Bad Cop—A Short Short Story
 
Detectives Chile R. Ainsworth and Anastasia Shvets returned to police headquarters after getting coffee and donuts. The desk sergeant stopped at the front desk and said, “You have a suspect in interrogation room 2. The captain wants you guys to interview him.”
 
As they walked down the hallway, Ainsworth asked. “Should we play Good Cop/ Bad cop?”
 
Shvets smiled. “Yesh, sure. We haven’t done that for a while. I’ll be the bad cop. You’re such a push over.”
 
“Sure,” Ainsworth agreed.
 
A shy looking man in his mid-40’s was sitting at the table when they walked in. Immediately, Shvets grabbed a folding chair and threw it at the one-way window which cracked. “Okay you asshole, I know you did it. Confess now or I’m really going to get pissed.”
 
“I didn’t do anything,” the man said.
 
“Bullshit. Confess now or we’ll throw the book at you,” Shvets yelled as he banged his fists on the table.
 
The man pulled back as far as he could. “Okay, I’ll confess.”
 
“That’s more like,” Shvets said as he and Ainsworth sat down. “Go ahead. Spill.”
 
The man wipes his forehead. “You’ve got to believe me. I’m just the custodian. I came in here to empty the trash, and I forgot to block the door open. The door closed behind me and locked. I’ve been sitting here for thirty minutes waiting for someone to open the door so I can get out.”
 
Ainsworth and Shvets looked at each other. “Oh shit,” Shvet said. “I’m sorry, man. We thought you were a criminal.”
 
Ainsworth stood and opened the door. “You’re free to good. Sorry about the mix up.”
 
The man walked out. A few minutes later, the captain stuck his head in the door. “You let Mad Max go? Why did you let him go?”
 
Ainsworth and Shvets looked at each other, again. Ainsworth spoke up first, “His alibi checked out.” Shvets nodded in agreement.
 
“I’ll be damn,” the captain said. “I thought for sure he was the serial killer.” The captain looked at the one-glass window. “When did that glass get cracked?”
 
“It was like that when we got here,” Shvets answered.
 
“Okay, complete the report and get back to work,” the captain said.
 
“Roger that,” both Ainsworth and Shvets replied.
 
THE END

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​

​5/21 Wisdom from an Old Man; Remember the men and women on activity duty and in the National Guard and in the Reserved on Armed Forces Day (May 21).

I actually wrote this few years ago. Since politics are always in the news and midterm elections are coming up, I pulled it up, dusted it off, and updated it. It’s a little long for one posting, so I’ll post it in parts. Here’s Part 2. Enjoy.
 
Chameleon Politics
 
Gladys brought up a screen with a picture of Chan. It showed him slightly darker. On his desk was a picture of Nelson Mandela with an inscription scribbled on the bottom of the photograph out of focus. Gladys used her laser pointer to point out several features. “The bookends are now footballs. The Bible is on the shelf.”
 
“Sexual orientation is another core value,” Gladys continued. “We know that conservatives won’t vote for a gay candidate or one that favors gay rights. Liberals will vote for a gay candidate but not exclusively. If another core value is more important, they will vote that core value. The LGBTQ+ community will always for a gay candidate.”
 
“I’m sorry,” Ted interrupted. “Remind me what LGBTQ stands for.”
 
“It’s an acronym for ‘lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer’ with a "+" sign to recognize the limitless sexual orientations used by members that community,” Gladys answered. “We don’t appeal to the LGBTQ+ voters, but we try not to offend them.”
 
“The last core value is age,” Walt said. “We use CGI to make you look slightly younger. We know that the national median age is 36.8 years old. That’s the age we want you to look. However, voters between 40 and 64 make up almost a third of the population. Since that’s your age range, we don’t use CGI for voters who identify in that age group. Voters over 65 make up 12.8% of the population. When a voter identifies as being over 65, we add a little grey around your temples.” Gladys brought up a picture of Chan showing grey hair around his temples.
 
Chan stood up. “Okay, I think I’ve seen enough. Ted will work with you on a contract.” Chan turned toward Ted. “Make sure that part about no fee is we lose is in the contract.”
 
Everyone stood up as Chan shook hands and left the room. “This is going to be an interesting champaign,” Ted said as he led Gladys and Walt to his office.
 
The End
 
For e-books by me, visit http://smashwords.com/profile/view/monteranderson or Amazon.com. Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/monteranderson
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​

Ted held up his hand. “Wait. Wait. What if the viewer answers all the questions?”
 
“Here again the simplest technique is the best. We ask. The last question asks them to rate which value is the most important to them. Let’s move to ethnicity.”
 
Gladys advanced to a new chart as Walt continued. “We know that as of 2013 the US population is 63.7% white, not including white Latino or mixed. If that’s the most important value to the viewer, the software will show him the generic picture.”
 
Walt picked up. “We know that 12.2% of the popular is African-American and another 9.11% is mixed. African Americans are mostly Democrats. Only 11% voted for Bush in 2004. 10% voted Republican in 2014. Here is where it gets interesting. We took pictures of one hundred African-Americans. Half are popular movie or TV stars. One quarter are popular athletes and the last quarter are popular entertainers. We morphed them together to get one image. Then we took your generic CGI and morphed it with the image using 80% of you. We come up with this.”
 
Gladys advanced to a new picture. “Notice that your skin is darker, almost a nice tan. Your face has changed slightly around the lips, nose, hair, and eye color. The changes are subtle. The tie color has changed to black. The titles on the books have changed to Roots by Alex Haley and The Color Purple by Alice Walker. We have changed to slug line to read, ‘Power to the People.’ The picture shows you standing next to Coretta Scott King.”
 
Chan laughed. “Why not Al Sharpton?”
 
 “We thought he might object,” Walt joked. “Besides, we don’t use living people. It just leads to law suits.”
 
Gladys advanced to another picture. “We know that Latinos make up 16.4 % of the population. We did the same thing with your picture using one hundred popular Latinos. The picture in the background shows you shaking hands with Enrique Peña Nieto.”
 
“Who?” asked Chan.
 
Walt and Galdys looked at each other. “The President of Mexico,” said Walt.
 
Gladys continued. “Your tie has changed color to green, white and red – the colors of the Mexican flag. Originally, we considered using a guayabera, but we thought that went too far.”
 
“What’s a gay bera?” asked Ted. “Is that something to do with gay rights?”
 
“Guayabera,” corrected Gladys. “It’s a Mexican dress shirt. The lapel pin is still an American flag. The trophy has changed to a soccer player.”
 
“These things seem like stereotypes,” said Chan. “Aren’t they offensive?”
 
“They would be if taken out of context. Here they are very subtle.”
 
“We must not discount the oriental voters. They make less than five percent of the popular but they are important.”
 
Gladys advanced to a new photograph. “You will notice slight changes in your photograph. The tie has changed to yellow. The lapel pin is now a Ying and Yang symbol.  The trophy is now a karate trophy. There is a picture of you standing next to Bruce Lee.”
 
“Gender is our next consideration,” said Walt. “There were over 158.6 million females in the United States in 2009. The number of males was 151.4 million. At age 85 and older, there were more than twice as many women as men.”
 
Gladys advanced to a new photo. “Research has shown that women prefer v-shaped bodies with a waist-to-hip ratio of approximately 0.9-1.0 and a chest-to-waist ratio of around 1.33. Here you will notice we have broadened your shoulders and reduced your waist line.”
 
Chan laughed. “You mean I have been wasting my time dieting and going to the gym?”
 
Gladys continued. “Women are subconsciously attracted to power. Running for President certainly eludes power but so does money. We have changed your watch to a very expensive one. Your suit too. Your wedding ring now has a diamond in it. The ring is back on your right hand. The shoes are expensive.”
 
“Most women don’t like body hair,” said Walt. “We have removed any body hair except on your head.”
 
“I thought the suit hid all that hair,” protested Chan.
 
Walt smiled. “We removed excess hair from your knuckles, the back of your hand, your ears and nose.”
 
Chan sighed. “I guess I didn’t realize how much hair I had.”
 
Gladys picked up, “Women also prefer taller men. You will notice that we lowered the background in the picture to make you appear taller. We also raised your chair by three inches and lengthened your legs. We added three inches to your torso.”
 
Walt interrupted, “Now is a good time for us to mention some additions to your staff.”
Ted perked up. “Oh?”
 
Walt smiled. “Don’t worry, they’re included in our price.”
 
Gladys advanced to a photograph of five people, two men and three women. The gentleman in the center is the team leader. He is five foot eight and the tallest of the bunch. The other man is five six. Two of the women are five four and this woman is five two. They will stand next to you in public. At six feet, you will appear to tower over them. We’ll talk more about them later.”
 
Walt continued. “Women prefer a proud facial look over a smile, so we changed your expression to one that is less smile and more pride.”
 
Chan pointed at the picture. “You changed my jaw line too.”
 
Gladys answered. “Yes. Women like a chiseled jaw look and longer hair.”
 
“So what happens when people see me in person?” asked Chan.
 
“We are talking about millions of voters, most of whom will never ever meet you in person,” Walt answered.
 
“And what about public appearances?” asked Ted.
 
“Those shots are never quite clear enough and are usually brief,” answered Gladys. “We’ll advise you in your public appearance based on the audience who will attend.”
 
“Let’s move on to religion, shall we?” suggested Walt.
 
Gladys advanced to a new photo. “Catholics make up nineteen percent of the population. They’re split fairly equally between the two parties. White evangelicals tend to favor conservative candidates. Secular voters are increasingly Democratic.
 
Walt picked up as Gladys advanced to a new photograph. “This what Catholic voters will see. The lapel pin is a fish symbol. The tie is gold and white, the colors of the Vatican City flag. The trophy has been replaced with a crucifix.”
 
“Why isn’t there a Bible on the bookcase?” asked Ted.
 
Walt smiled. “Catholics don’t read the Bible.”
 
Gladys continued, “Protestants do however.” She advanced to a new picture. “Now the Bible is on the shelf. The crucifix is replaced with a plain cross. The lapel pin is also a cross.”
 
“What about the Jews?” asked Ted.
 
“Jews don’t vote on the religious value unless the candidate is Jewish. They will always vote for a Jewish candidate.”
 
“What about Muslims?” asked Chan.
 
“Muslims make up less than one percent,” answered Gladys. “We don’t worry about them.”
 
Walt picked up. “We know that 14.2% of the population is African-American. This includes those who identify as ‘black only’ and as mixed black. The Democratic candidate for president over the five presidential elections since 2000 has averaged 91% of the Black vote, with 8% on average going to the Republican candidate. Only 11% voted for Bush in 2004. 10% voted Republican in 2014.”
 
Here is where it gets interesting. We took pictures of one hundred African-Americans. Half are popular movie or TV stars. One quarter are popular athletes and the last quarter are popular entertainers. We morphed them together to get one image. Then we took your generic CGI and morphed it with the image using 80% of you. We come up with this.”
Gladys brought up a screen with a picture of Chan.
 
To be continued.

For e-books by me, visit http://smashwords.com/profile/view/monteranderson or Amazon.com. Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/monteranderson
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​

I actually wrote this few years ago. Since politics are always in the news and midterm elections are coming up, I pulled it up, dusted it off, and updated it. It’s a little long for one posting, so I’ll post it in parts. Here’s Part 2. Enjoy.
 
Gladys advanced to the next picture as Walt continued. “Hardcore Republicans and hardcore Democrats vote the party line no matter what. However, during the Primaries, all the candidates represent the same party. You’ll have to earn the votes of your own party members. On the website, each viewer is asked to answer a short survey. We use it to help determine the viewer’s core values. The software will ask the viewer whether he or she would consider themselves a conservative, a moderate or a liberal.”
 
Ted leaned forward. “How do you define those terms?”
 
“It doesn’t matter. It’s strictly from the viewer’s point of view. Here’s what the viewer will see if he or she selects conservative.”
 
Gladys advanced to a new picture.
 
Walt continued. “Conservative Republicans tend to use the constitution as their bible. They also tend to be more religious. They tend to have money. They believe in limiting the intrusion of the government into their lives. The picture they’ll see will show you with a more expensive watch and suit. The lapel pin is an elephant. The tie is silk. The books on the bookshelf change titles to The Men Who Built America, a Bible, and books on the constitution. The book ends will change to pistols. On your right hand is an expensive ring.”
 
Chan laughed. “Is that a picture of me standing next to Trump? What a riot. And what about moderates?”
 
Gladys advanced to another picture. “We just tone down the watch and replaced the pistol bookends with American Flags or Statues of Liberty. Liberal Republicans or Libertarians are more like Democrats. For them we change the photograph to one of Ronald Regan. We want to capture the voters who may not vote the party line. They’ll vote according to one of the other political values. You’ll notice some subtle changes on your picture.”
 
Gladys pointed to the lapel pin as Walt continued. “The tie remains red. If you were a Democrat, it would be blue. The slug line now reads ‘Grand Old Party.’”
 
“Notice this picture on the desk,” Gladys said while pointing. “It shows you standing in front of the Washington D.C. Temple of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. That appeals to your Mormon voters.”
 
“That never happened,” protested Chan.
 
“Again, it doesn’t matter,” said Walt. “Remember, we are trying to create a first impression. No one is actually saying that it’s you in that picture. It just gives that impression. It’s mainly subconscious. In all the years that we have been using this software, no one has ever questioned a photograph.”
 
“And what if a Democrat looks at the website?” asked Ted.
 
Gladys advanced to a new photo. “He or she will see this generic picture. The lapel pin is the flag, and the tie is blue.”
 
“What about the Tea Party?” asked Chan.
 
Gladys chuckled. “For all practical purposes Tea party members are conservative Republicans. The software treats them the same.”
 
“How does your software know which party to use?”
 
“That’s a good question. Let us discuss that now. You’re familiar with computer cookies?”
 
“Yes, of course. There’re embedded files on a user’s computer.”
 
Walt smiled. “Then you know that website use these files to access information about the viewer so they can deliver tailored information. We use them too.”
 
Ted leaned forward. “Okay, but users can turn off their cookies. What then?”
 
Walt smiled. “Another good question. We don’t spy on voters. If their cookies are turned off, we simply ask them to complete the short survey I mentioned earlier. We ask questions on everything we need to know.”
 
“But on the survey, can’t viewers skip questions or opt out of some questions?”
 
“Yes, of course. If they opt out altogether, they’ll see the generic picture. However, our research shows that viewers will not opt out of the political values that they feel strongly about. For example, some voters might decline to answer the question of race, but voters who’re proud of their ethnicity will answer. That then becomes their most important value and the one that the software uses to bring up the correct picture according to the hierarchy of political values.
 
Chan was surprised. “How many more pictures are there?”
 
“You’ll see as we go along. If the software can’t determine if the viewer is a hardcore party member, it goes to the next core value.”

I actually wrote this few years ago. Since politics are always in the news and midterm elections are coming up, I pulled it up, dusted it off, and updated it. It’s a little long for one posting, so I’ll post it in parts. Enjoy.
 
Chameleon Politics
 
Walt and Gladys marched into Senator Mattingly’s office behind Ted Surut, the Senator’s campaign manager. Teddy Surut, made the introductions pointing to the visitors in turn, “Senator, this’s Walter Strange, CEO of The Peoples’ Choice Consultants, and his VP for Operations, Gladys Saye. Mr. Strange and Ms. Saye, may I present the next president of the United States, Channing Mattingly.”
 
The senator laughed as he shook hands. “My campaign manager is very optimistic as you can see. Please, call me Chan. Have a seat.” Walt and Gladys sat down in overstuffed chairs. Senator Mattingly sat at his desk.
 
“If you hire us, he may be right,” Walt said. “You can call me Walt.”
 
Ted sat on the arm rest of a side chair. “Let’s keep it professional Mr. Strange, at least until we make a decision, shall we? Senator, I invited Mr. Strange in to make a proposal. I think they might have a lot to offer us, and it will be worth hearing what they have to say.”
 
Gladys opened a portable monitor and connected her laptop. She turned the monitor so Chan could see it. Ted pulled his chair over behind Chan so he could see the monitor. “I’ll make most of the presentation while Walt will add a comment or two.” Gladys said. “Feel free to stop us and ask anything as we go along.”
 
Walt started, “Senator, my company, The Peoples’ Choice Consultants, is a political consulting company. We augment your campaign staff. We don’t replace anyone. We work and advise your campaign manager. We have helped many politicians to get elected. In fact, everyone who has hired us has been elected. We have not had one loss. And, we don’t charge anything if you lose.”
 
“Who have you helped?” Chan asked.
 
“Sir, I’m not at liberty to tell you that. Part of our contracts include a confidentiality clause. We never disclose who hires us. I can name one of the candidates who turned down our proposals.
 
“Who?” Ted asked.
 
“We made a pitch to Hillary Clinton a few years ago. She decided that she didn’t need us. She lost in the primaries. Our surveys found that if she had hired us, she would have won, and we would have had a female president.”
 
“That’s a bold statement,” Ted said.
 
“We can back that up with our research,” Gladys said.
 
Walt continued. “Our research shows that people vote for candidates they like. It also shows that they like people who’re very much like themselves. And they decide whether they like someone in the first few seconds that they meet someone. That also includes when they see their picture. Some researchers say a person will decide, subconsciously, to like someone within three seconds. Some say more like thirty seconds. Either way, it’s a very short time. And, as they say, ‘you only get one chance to make a first impression’. People seldom change their opinion.” 
 
“I think we all know that,” Chan commented. “I always try to make a good first impression.”
 
“Of course, you do. But we have developed software that’ll help you make that first impression on your website and web presence.”
 
“What’s this going to cost me?’ asked Chan.
 
“Senator, I’m not going to answer that question now. We have found that when we disclose the cost, the clients focus on that and try to negotiate without hearing the entire proposal. It’s better to wait until you see what we’re offering. I’ll say this again--if you aren’t elected we’ll refund your fee.”
 
“Fair enough,” Chan said. “Proceed.”
 
“Our research has shown the majority of voters vote according to a hierarchy of political values. Those values are from top to bottom: party affiliation, race, gender, religion, sexual orientation, and age. I’ll discuss each of these in turn.  Research shows that now days, most people will view a website or commercial before deciding how to vote. We want to show you what we think is the ideal website for you and a photograph you can use in your commercials. On the average, voters see between twelve and fifteen commercials before voting.
 
“Whether they want to or not,” Ted added wryly.
 
Gladys advanced to a picture of Channing sitting in a chair in front of a bookcase. “This is the generic version of the pictures that voters visiting your website will see,” Gladys said. “Of course, if you hire us, we’ll use an actual photograph of you. Let me point out some subtle features in the picture.” Gladys pulled out a laser pointer and pointed to the chair in the picture. “You should sit in a chair and not behind a desk. A desk creates a visual barrier, a wall, between you and the viewer. A chair is friendlier. The chair is set at a 45-degree angle which makes you seem thinner and covers up your crotch area.
 
“So, I don’t have to worry whether my fly is unzipped,” Chan replied joking. Everyone chuckled.
 
“Good idea,” Ted said. “I’d like that. I’m going to start sitting like that.” Everyone chuckled.
 
Gladys continued, “Your hands rest on the arms of the chair with your left hand foremost and your feet are flat on the floor, not crossed at the ankles. Crossing them is a very negative thing.”
 
“Wait, wait,” Chan said. “How’d you get this picture of me?”
 
Walt laughed. “We start with a picture of your face and the rest is CGI.”
 
“CGI?”
 
“I’m sorry. Computer Generated Imagery,” Walt answered.
 
Gladys continued. “You’ll notice several things in this picture.” Gladys pointed at each in turn with the laser pointer. “Your watch is visible on your left wrist. You wedding ring is visible on your left hand. You have a red tie on. Red is a bold and warm color. You have a lapel pin – an American flag in this picture. On the bookcase behind you is a miniature trophy, a football trophy. Voters like athletic candidates.”
 
“But I didn’t play football,” Chan protested. “Tennis was my sport, and I was never any good.
 
“Doesn’t matter,” Walt said. “Remember we are talking about a three second first impression. Consciously the mind doesn’t register the trophy but subconsciously it does. The same for all the items Gladys points out. If you have any actual trophies, we’ll use them”
 
“On the bookshelf there are books by Mark Twain, history books and a science book,” Gladys continued. The book ends are miniature statues of the White House. “Below your picture is a message. We call this the slug line. In this picture it says, ‘Your vote is important to me. Please vote.’”
 
“Research has shown that people respond more favorably when they see the word ‘please,’” Walt said. “Now we’ll show you how this software alters each picture based on the hierarchy of political values. The highest political value is party affiliation. On your desk will be two pictures: one of you with your family and one of Ronald Regan.”

Alternative Facts about the Oldest Tricks in the Book
I hate it when someone says, “That’s the oldest trick in the book.” I guess I hate it, because I don’t have a copy of the book. I googled “oldest trick in the book” and there’s a lot of information on the subject. I don’t want to repeat the information I found, so I’ll offer some “alternative facts.” Some data does exist on some old jokes, and some is pure conjecture.

There’re “tricks” and then there’re “tricks”. Regular tricks trick people. When a prostitute has sex with a “John” that’s called a “trick”. It’s safe to assume that Eve “tricked” Adam into eating from the Tree of Knowledge. Therefore, Eve invented the oldest trick in the book. I’m guessing most of the oldest tricks came from Adam and Eve. I’m sure at some point, Adam said to Eve, “look, a Tyrannosaurus Rex.” When she looked, Adam laughed and said, “Made you look.” That caused Eve to tie Adam’s big toes together while he slept. I’m sure that once Adam made a wolf a family pet, he started to blame the wolf for his farts.

When Cain and Abel came along, Adam started the old “pull my finger’ trick. He also invented the “there's something on your shirt” trick. When Cain or Abel looked down, he would flick them on the nose. Adam would just roar with laughter, but Cain and Abel hated it. Not to be out done, Cain invented the old "tapping on Abel’s left shoulder when he was on his right." Abel didn’t care for this trick either, and they got into a fight where Cain killed Abel.

You may recall that Jacob invented the “wolf in sheep’s clothing” trick to get his father’s blessing instead of his brother Esau. Delilah may have used Eve’s old trick to trick Samson. Apparently, she gave him a roofie and then cut his hair. She wasn’t a good barber, so Samson got pissed and tore the palace apart.

We all recall the story about the “Trojan horse” trick the Greeks pulled on the citizens of Troy. That trick inspired a condom company to adopt the name “Trojan” for their name and logo. I guess if you let them inside, you’re screwed. Of course, this can’t be the oldest trick in the book.

The old “gluing coins to the sidewalk or counter” trick didn’t come along until coins were invented, so that’s not the oldest trick either. It didn’t take long for a smartass merchant in ancient India to glue newly minted coins to his countertop in his shop. That same merchant may have started the “the check’s in the mail” trick. Of course, the old “ring the doorbell and run” trick did come along until electricity and doorbells were invented.

Card tricks aren’t that old. They had to wait for cards to be invented somewhere in China around the ninth century.
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Perhaps you know of some trick that might be the oldest trick in the book.