Blog Archives - Monte R Anderson - Author

Overcrowding in Prisons is Simple to Solve

6/28/2014

It seems that the US has just one problem after another and crisis following crisis. All these problems cry out for a solution. Usually the solution is counter-intuitive, simple but difficult, or oblivious (the gorilla in the room).

A major problem is overcrowded prisons. Prisons are filled beyond capacity. I have analyzed this situation and concluded that too many people in prison cause the overcrowding. Once again, there is a simple solution. Here are my recommendations to relieve crowded conditions in prisons:

1. Immediately release all the innocent prisoners. The innocent are easy to fine. The prisoners know who is innocent. Gather all the inmates together and ask those who are innocent to raise their hand. Free everyone who raises his or her hand. This should eliminate about 95% of the inmates.

2. Assisted Suicide. Offer all inmates the option of assisted suicide. Officials should help all inmates who wish to end their miserable existence. Options available might include firing squad, burning at the stake, hanging, lethal injection, jumping off the San Francisco Bridge, suicide bomber, electrocution, or ruining for public office. If should be done prior to number 1 above.

3. Trail by Combat. Hollywood has made so many movies on this theme that I am surprised no one has recommended we actually implement it. Possible competitions to consider:

            a. Gladiator. (Think ultimate fighters with weapons.) Inmates would fight each other to the death; winners to go free. If a single elimination bracken is used, only one inmate would go free and all the others would be dead.

            b. Team sports like basketball, soccer, football, etc. (Not baseball. It’s too lame.) Winning team goes free. Losers get option 2 above. Again, use a single elimination bracket. This may include playing golf in a mind field.

            c. Fencing with poison tipped rapiers. Inmates won't be allowed any protective gear.

            d. Russian Roulette. (Always good for a laugh) Again, use a single elimination bracket.

4. Community Service for Non-violent Crimes. Put all non-violent criminals on community services. Possible service might include scraping gum off public sidewalks (one mile for each year of sentence), picking up goose droppings in public parks (100 pounds for each year of sentence) or removing skunks that invade neighborhoods (this must be done by hand so the animals aren’t injured). (One skunk for each year of sentence.)

Simple Solutions to Problems Like #Immigration Won’t be Tolerated

6/27/2014

It seems that the US is just one problem after another and crisis following crisis. All these problems cry out for a solution. I recall seeing a sign when I worked in the Pentagon. It said, “Every problem can be solved if the solution is complex enough. Simple solutions to complex problem will not be tolerated.” The problem becomes one of finding a complex solution that no one can understand, let alone implement. Now that I am older and wiser, I realize that many of our national problems have a simple solution. It is a hard and difficult solution but probably the correct one. I thought for my next few blogs I might tackle some of these problems and propose the “Simple Solution”, the gorilla in the room.

I will start with immigration and the related issues. Let’s face the facts. People want to come to the USA for a better life or escape prosecution in their country. Many try to cross the border from Mexico. They come from all of #Central America. Spin off problems include the large influx of unaccompanied children, amnesty for illegal aliens, undocumented workers, keeping our borders secure, etc. Here is the simple solution: annex Central America. Make it a territory of the United States - problem solved.

The US should annex Central America down to the Panama Canal. That would include Mexico, Guatemala, Honduras, Costa Rica, and half of Panama. We would make it a territory like Guam, Puerto Rico, and Hollywood. Here is the impact of that solution;

1. All the people in Central America would be US citizens - no need to immigrate.

2. The Panama Canal is a great barrier; no need to build a fence. We could fill the canal with sharks.

3. It would probably mean more votes for the Democratic Party.

4. The Panama Canal would be returned to the US - more income.

5. More illegal drugs would be available at lower prices.

6. No need to raise the minimum wage. We would just raise the minimum wage in the new territory to the same level as in the continental United States.

7. No one would need a visa to take a vacation in Central America.

8. People would then be able to eat real Mexican food.

9. School kids would have to learn where Costa Rica is located.

10. The NRA will be happy to learn that most of the people in Central America are already armed.

American Student Slips into Giant Vagina

6/25/2014

These are the types of headlines that keep me awake at night. I tried to let it go without comment, but I can’t. An American exchange student fell into a giant vagina sculpture in southwestern #Germany. Officials said that he slipped as he tried to climb into the vagina to pose for a picture. He became stuck, and four firefighters had to free him. He did not damage the sculpture created by Peruvian-born artist Fernando de la Jara. Isn’t this one of the reason we have student exchange programs: to meet new people, cultures and vaginas? He literally was studying a broad. I hate when this happens. I mean, what man hasn’t had a similar experience? Moreover, who wouldn’t want a selfie inside a giant vagina? This is funny. I can’t make this stuff up. (Well, I could because I am a writer, but no one would believe me.) No matter what anyone says about it, it comes out as hilarious. Initially, I thought I wouldn’t touch it because once you’re in it, it’s slippery slope. Huh? Apparently, there’s no truth to the rumor that the sculptor wants to rename his sculpture The Bermuda Triangle because this student nearly got lost in it. Right away, I have a bunch of questions:

1. Was this his first time?

2. Did he call the next day?

3. Will there be a second date or was this just a one-time thing?

4. Will the art museum now sell miniatures of the sculpture?

5. Did he get her number?

6. Did he hear a monologue or humming while inside the vagina?

7. Will the museum install some type of barrier? Maybe latex?

8. Did the firefighters use a lubricant to free him?

9. Were the firefighters all single males? Does this affect the reputation of the sculpture?

10. Will he add this to his resume? I mean, it’s not hard to get stuck in a small vagina, but it takes talent to get stuck in a large one.

11. Was it carpeted?

12. Was the incident considered vandalism, oral sex, performance art, consensual sex or a one-night stand?

13. What is the student’s major? Is it art or gynecology?

14. Was he “born again”?

15. When he was released was this the same as “coming out”?

16. Does this mean he is a D-head or a D-bag?

17. Was he tested for STDs?

18. Did he have nightmares about it?

19. Has this experience ruined him for other women?

20. Will he suffer from PTSD (Post Traumatic Sexual Dislodgement)?

Inquiring minds want to know.

Wisdom from an Old Man

6/23/2014

One advantage of being old is that people actually believe that you know something. That’s a lot of crap of course. Time does not impart any particular wisdom to survivors. At any rate, here are some gems from my experience:

1. A mime is not a terrible thing to waste, especially if he talks.

2. Retweet is an option.

3. He who laughs last is a little slow witted. He who laughs loudest should not be allowed to drive home.

4. Time wounds all heels.

5. A stitch in time will prevent unwanted children.

6. There must be fifty ways to love your lever.

7. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. A hand in the bush will keep you from being elected.

8. There is no “I” in “Team”. However, there is a “Me”. Try not to over think this one.

9. Look before you leak. I’m not sure where I heard this, but I like it.

10. Opportunity knocks up some. This is another one that I heard somewhere, and it stuck with me.

Life is tough, but it is even tougher if you’re stupid. –#John Wayne.

6/20/2014

In the past, I have blogged about inept thieves, marijuana users, pot growers and even drunk college students to provide rules and guidelines to help them. I didn't intend to encourage crime. I just am sympathetic towards stupid people. Stupidity runs in my family too. The main reason I do this is that if I’m ever a victim, I want the criminal to be a hell of a lot smarter than I am. The criminal must be of superior intelligence like a mastermind or kingpin of the underworld. If you're one of those people, please don’t take this as a challenge. If I’m ever a victim of an inept, bungling, dull witted thug, I’d be embarrassed to admit it. I might not even report it. If you're one of those people reading this, please don’t take this as an invitation. Here is a case in point.

San Diego County police have charged a vandal who wrote graffiti in the courtroom where he was being prosecuted for vandalism and possessing tagging tools. Police later searched his house and found evidence linking him to the graffiti. His artwork with his moniker were on courtroom chairs and hallway benches. So much for courtroom security. He managed to smuggle his tools into the building. Thank goodness, he didn’t have a weapon. Here are some guidelines for this poor smuck to consider:

1. It should go without saying that if you are accused of a crime, don’t bring the evidence to court with you.

2. If you must commit a crime in court, don’t leave your signature, tag or business card. That also includes fingerprints, DNA or cellphones.

3. If you are accused of a crime, don’t leave the evidence in your home. Eventually, the police will search your place and find it. That also applies to computers and cellphones.

4. Just because no one saw you commit the crime doesn’t mean the police can’t find you. Don’t hang around waiting for accolades.

5. Freedom of speech and artistic expression doesn’t apply to graffiti or defacing of property.

Freedom of Speech or Interference with Police?

6/19/2014

I read with interest in the news that a suburban #Cleveland man was charged with telling drivers to turn to avoid a police drunk-driving checkpoint. The man says that the #police violated his #First Amendment rights to #free speech. It reminded me of a similar incident when I lived in Illinois. I lived in #Naperville in Chicagoland. The police department there had more patrol cars than it had policepersons to drive them. The Chief of Police came up with the idea to park these extra patrol cars around town with the idea that people will slow down when they see a police car. He even installed a device that would turn on the radar for a few minutes at random. A local radio station thought that was a bit too much. They asked listeners to telephone the station with the location of these empty patrol cars and they would announce it over the air. The public got behind this idea and even went so far as to buy donuts and coffee and place them on top of the patrol cars. Whenever drivers saw a patrol car with donuts and coffee on top they knew it was bogus. I thought it was hilarious. Finally, the chief removed the cars that had now become a laughing stock. It was a victory for free speech.

Crime Scene Instigater (short story)

6/17/2014

John Smith approached the yellow tape that cordoned off the scene from the rest of humanity. He lifted up the tape and stepped inside the perimeter, being careful not to step into anything on the ground. He saw his subordinate taking notes near the far end. As he walked over to him, Bill Bowman looked up, frowned and shook his head, “Hello, Chief! We’ve one hell of a mess here, a 10-39. It may have been a gang fight judging from the large number of footprints and blood trails. They are everywhere.”

“Don’t call me Chief!” snapped John, “I have a name.”

“Right you are, Chief! Oh, sorry, I mean John. Well, so far I’ve identified more than a dozen sets of footprints. They’re all on concrete so we can’t get a good plaster cast. It appears that the perps all came in this way and left the same way. Judging from the dried blood, I’d say they left about two hours ago. A lot of alcohol was involved. I did find one cup of coffee that was still warm.”

Bill holds up a plastic cup, “And look at this! This type of plastic cup always leaves excellent latent fingerprints. I’ve been using my camel hair and magna powder and photographing all the prints before I lift them with clear tape. I even found some cups with traces of lipstick. I’ll get to the blood trails next.”

“Blood?”

“Right, Boss, and plenty of it. I don’t see a pattern, but my guess is that we should check all the emergency rooms for gunshot victims. I have photographed the location, degree of coagulation and type. They all appear to be spots as opposed to spatters, so we can’t do a blood spatter analysis. You should call for backup. This is more than a Level 1. It’s going to be a long night.”

Frowning, John shook his head, “No back up. You have the lead on this, and it is your job. Did you check the restrooms yet?”

“Yes, Chief, I mean John, but don’t go in there. It is a mess. I checked every stall and there’re no bodies. Women's restroom too. I checked them both. I still have to tag and bag everything. I drew up a sketch.”

“How about the trash cans, do you get them?”

“Right, Boss. I logged in all the empty bottles by the labels, brands and types of liquor. I also checked for cigarette packs and butts. I logged in all the brands. Found some with lipstick again. Some broads were definitely involved in this crime. We should be able to run the DNA.”

“Bill, we’ve had this conversation before, and I hope this is the last time, because if it happens again, you’re fired. Got that? You’re not a detective. You’re a custodian. You’re a custodian whose job is to clean up this section of the football stadium. These ‘perps’, as you call them, are football fans. They happen to be Notre Dame fans, and that is why they wear green. I think you’ll find that the blood trails are ketchup leading away from the concession stands. You have two hours to get this section clean with no backup or you’re fired. Do you understand me?”

“Yes, Boss, I mean Chief, I mean John,” sputtered Bill as John turned on his heels and marched off.

When John rounded the corner, Bill pulled out his pocket tape recorder. “Note to self. The Chief is very tense. He must be under a lot of pressure from the white shirts at the puzzle palace to clean up this mess.” Turning off the recorder, putting it into his pocket and half muttering to himself, “I had better get started. The Chief’ll be back in a couple of hours and he’ll want a progress report.”

How to tell if People are Listening

6/15/2014

I read with interest an article about a new book, Power Cues: The Subtle Science of Leading Groups, Persuading Others, and Maximizing Your Personal Impact, by Nick Morgan. He talked about all the fake listening that people do while they act as if they are listening to you. He listed seven:

1. Their eye contact is too fixed, and their heads are too still.

2. They smile too brightly and for too long.

3. They tap their fingers.

4. They fidget.

5. Their body is turned away from you.

6 Their feet are pointed towards the door.

7. They don't mirror your body language.

This got me to thinking about other subtle ways you can tell people are not listening to you. Here are ten more:

1. They fall asleep. This is a dead giveaway.

2. They don’t notice when you stop talking.

3. You ask them a question and they just nod their heads.

4. They tell you in English that they don’t speak English.

5. They wave a crucifix and a strand of garlic at you and attempt to drive a stake into your heart.

6. They let their dog pee on your shoes.

7. They put coins into your coffee cup and walk away.

8. They hold up a lapel pin and ask you to speak into it.

9. They steal your watch and wallet.

10. They fake a heart attack so they don’t have to listen to you.

The secret to longevity in #vampires discovered.

6/13/2014

You may have seen this news in a couple of places, but I saw it in the latest issue of the #AARP Bulletin. An article published in the Journal of Science and Nature Medicine reported that two teams of scientists discovered that the blood from young mice reverses aging in old mice, rejuvenating their muscles and brains. This may be old news for vampires. It explains why vampires live so long and why they suck blood from young people – the younger the better. According to Count Vlad #Dracula, Director of Vampires Studies at the University of Transylvania for the last 300 years, vampires have known this for centuries and instinctively seek out young victims. He warns researchers about using mice. He said, “Now that they have created these vampire mice, they must ensure that none escape out of the lab to terrorize the local villages.”

“Bad” screenplays

6/12/2014

Lately, there seems to be several “Bad” movies. I don’t mean that they are terrible; I mean they have the word “Bad” in the title. My wife just brought home Bad Grandpa. There was also Bad Santa and Bad Words. There is even a TV show named Bad Teacher. Okay I see the trend and I want to stake my claim for screenplays. Here’s my list for futures screenplays – all comedies:

1. Bad Author. The humorous story of a writer who got so many rejections that he/she decided to take matters into... Wait... I can’t use that title. I’m saving it for my autobiography.

2. Bad Congressperson. You will laugh at the attics of an elected member of congress who starts sexting to young women and sending them nude selfies. His life spirals out of control until he resigns. After failing rehab, he decides to run for another office only to be defeated.

3 Bad Rock Star. A funny story about a rock star that is so immature that he throws eggs at his neighbor’s house. His absurd acts on stage will keep you in stitches. No. Wait... There are too many rock stars like that. I will have to good with Good Rock Star, if I can find one.

4. Bad Mayor. The hilarious story of a mayor of a major city caught on videos using a bong and drugs. He harasses his female staff by telling them not to wear panties. In the finale, the women sue him and he resigns from office.

5. Bad Governor. Richard Head is a governor with a mistress. Duh. He tries to hide his affair by telling everyone he is hiking when, in fact, he flies to South America to see his mistress. One laugh follows another until he resigns. After rehab, he runs for office again and is elected.

6. Bad Secret Service. Follow agents Frick and Frack as they pretend to be James Bond. They are embroiled in one scandal after another involving prostitutes and booze. The Secret Service will never be the same.

7. Bad Actor/Actress. You will split your sides laughing at movie star Linsey/Alec Badass as he/she rants and raves against the paparazzi, gay people, and other minorities. Watch him/her try in vain to explain their actions. He/she is arrested for shoplifting and DUI. His/her mug shot is priceless.