You may have read Mitch Albom’s novel, The Five People You Meet in #Heaven. With a wink and a nod to Mr. Albom, I now present The Five People You Meet in Hell. Sorry, it’s a blog not a novel – maybe later.
Okay, you screwed up and you know it. You’re going to hell. No sweat, you say. You’ve many friends in hell, so you won’t be lonely. True. The company you keep puts you in hell. Here’s a clue; your enemies are there too, waiting for you. Here’re the five people who’ll meet you at the gates of hell when you arrive:

1. Your ex-girlfriend/ boyfriend and/or ex-spouse. Remember how you treated your significant other? You cheated. You lied about it. You confessed and promised never to do it again. Then you cheated again and lied again. You thought you got away this last time. Your ex knows what you did and will confront you in hell. What you don’t know is that you caused your ex to have a crisis about his/her sexuality. He/she blamed him/herself more than you. Your ex went into therapy. Finally, he/she had a sex change operation. Your ex then joined a commune to “find him/herself.” In a freak accident, your ex smoked some loco weed that looked like marijuana. It was fatal. With his/her dying breath, he/she swore revenge on you.

2. Your best friend from high school/college? You remember your best friend? You two vowed to be best friends forever. That was until you stabbed your BF in the back. You stole your BF’s girl/guy. You did it without a thought of how you hurt him/her. What you don’t know is that your BF had trust issue after that. He/she never trusted anyone again. He/she became very bitter and mean. With no friends, your BF sat alone at home watching reruns of Gillian’s Island. It wasn’t cable or satellite, because your BF did not trust the installer to show up at all. In a freak accident, a flock of pigeons killed your BF while your he/she was feeding them.

3. Your old boss. You do remember your old boss? The one that didn’t give you that bonus or promotion. He said you didn’t achieve the goals set for you. He said you wasted time playing games on the computer and taking naps in the stockroom. It was all true. What you don’t know is that he didn’t get a bonus or promotion either. Your failure caused him to fail too. Eventually, the company fired him for poor performance. He couldn’t get another job because he couldn’t get a referral. The industry blackballed him. He became homeless and wandered around aimlessly – without goals. In a tragic accident, he was cooked to death due to a malfunction in the heating grate he was sleeping on. Investigators found your name scribbled on the side of his cardboard box with the words, “I’ll see you in hell.”

4. Your old school teacher. You must remember your old school teacher – the one you caused to have a nervous breakdown? She was a 30-year veteran but had never met anyone as bad as you. She even told you to your face if you ever go to hell, she would find you and kill you -- again. What you may not know is she gave up teaching and joined a street gang. For several years, she committed drive-by shootings of students. When her eyesight failed, she retired to a rural area in Montana. A black bear killed her when she tried to spank it after it climbed into her apple tree. She thought it was you. The police found a picture of you with your eyes gouged out in her cabin.

5. Jack Hodges. You remember Jack Hodges? Probably not. Everyone remembers him as One-eyed Jack. Your mom always told you not to throw pencils but when Jack asked to borrow a pencil, you threw it. Sure enough, he lost an eye. That was bad enough, but what you don’t know was worst. People bullied and teased One-eyed Jack the rest of his life. He finally had enough and chose a life of crime. One day the police caught up with him, and he died in a hail of bullets. The police said with his dying breath, he said it was all your fault.
​
So, have fun in hell.
​

I received this email the other day.
Dear Sir,

You don’t know me, but I recently heard about you through a mutual friend. My name is Reverend John although you may have heard people call Pastor John. I’m an evangelist preacher and travel the country doing a revival tent show talking about the evils of alcoholism, drug abuse and other depravities. I usually get a couple of hundred people seeking redemption to attend my shows. I normally have a fellow with me who has fallen off the path. His name is Billy Joe. He has been a great help in my mission.

During my meetings, Billy Joe just sits near me on stage, He drinks out of a bottle in a paper bag. He is usually drunk but often just sleeping. He belchers, farts, leers at the women in the audience and otherwise looks and acts disgusting. During my preaching, I point at Billy Joe and tell everyone to change their sinful ways or they’ll end up like Billy Joe. It has a great effect on everyone.

To get to the point, recently Billy Joe died. I’ve been looking for a replacement for him, and your name was mentioned. If you’re available, I’d like to talk with you.

Sincerely,
Pastor John
​
It’s a tempting offer.
​

#​I read with interest “Ten Things to Add to Your Resume -- And Ten to Remove Immediately” by Liz Ryan, a contributor to Forbes (9/11/2017). She mentioned “Corporate Zombie Speak”, a term I never saw before but understood immediately. (I checked it out and it’s a real thing.) She mentioned adding things like a powerful summary, full sentences, an explanation for every job change, framing statement for every employer, and framing statement for every role, dragon-slaying stories and your human voice (is there another kind?). All good advice. She said to remove things like your street address, inappropriate email addresses, tasks and duties, praising adjectives, endless bullets, old irrelevant jobs and formatting. Also good advice. She explains her rationale. Most of these reflect the changing times. Of course, she left out a few things.
 
As a public service, I will list some things to take out of your resume:
1.      Remove your fraternity or #sorority. There are basically two types of fraternities; those who have done something publicly offensive and those who haven't...yet. It would be best not to admit to being a member until after you're hired. Even after you get the job, you may not want to confess.
2.      When listing skills, remember #sexting isn’t a skill unless you are applying for a position in the porn industry. Also, while making pipe bombs is certainly a skill, you may want to keep that secret. Drinking beer while standing on your head isn’t a skill you should list. That also goes for stalking, coloring, field stripping an AK47, shooting an RPG, breaking and entering, cooking meth and picking locks.  
3.      Remove references who are still in prison or pending trial. It’s best to wait until they’re out on bail. Don’t list your parole officer as a reference. Same goes for your Drugs Anonymous sponsor.
4.      Remove your Face Book page unless you have sanitized it.
5.      Remove any family as references unless you still have copies of photographs you can use for blackmail.
6.      It may be too soon to list #Trump University under Education. Remove that.
7.      Don’t try to convince anyone that the 4 – 7-year gap in your work summary was a vacation.
8.      Don’t misspell the name of the university you claim to have attended.
9.      Don’t try to be clever in your email address, i.e. buttkicker@whatever.com.
10.  You probably should remove the jobs you had in prison.
 
Hopefully, these pointers will help you clean up your resume and get a job.

I copied this message from the VFW web page (VFW.org).

June 14 is Flag Day and the US Army’s 243rd birthday. The 1.7 million-member Veterans of Foreign Wars of the U.S. and its Auxiliary extends a happy birthday to all soldiers past and present, and to their families, too. You selflessly and faithfully protect the flag of a country you helped to create. You march behind it, been buried under it, and wear it proudly as you continue to protect and secure our nation and allies from tyranny and evil.
​
Happy Birthday, Army. Hooah!
​

I read with interest an article on my news feed written by Jenny Stanley, 5/7/2018, “10 Things Your Neighbor Will Never Tell You.” He listed these things:
We Have Horrible Taste
We/re stealing your Wi-fi
We Have Bed Bugs
We can see inside your house at night.
Our Birdbath is a Breeding Ground for Mosquitoes
Our shed is actually on your property
We Don't Like Yard Maintenance
We fight loud
Our Dog Pees in Your Yard
We have a termite problem
 
Of course, these are issues, but I think the list is incomplete. Here are ten more things your neighbors won’t tell you:

1.       They are registered sex offenders.
2.       They are the ones who have been swatting you, so a SWAT team shows up at your front door.
3.       They cook meth and sell drugs.
4.       They like to spy on you through your bedroom window which opposite theirs.
5.       They buried a body in your back yard.
6.       They tell the other neighbors that you are on parole.
7.       They tell their kids to beat up your kids.
8.       They stole your identity.
9.       They call the fire company whenever you start to barbeque.
10.       They fly a drone over your back yard whenever you sun bath there.

 
Of course, if you confront your neighbors, they’ll deny everything. You just have to vigilant.

I read with interest an article on my news feed (on my i-phone), “9 Things You Should Do Before Having Sex”. It was by Jenna Birch in Huffpost. I guess we all could use a checklist. She listed these nine things:
Hint at sex before you have it. (well duh)
Have condoms ready.
Stash lube by your bedside.
Consider the details.
Stimulate your brain.
Make a to-do list and put it away.
Do one thing that makes you feel sexier.
Take a few deep breaths.
Start off slow.

Well I’m no great lover, but I can see that Jenna omitted several things that must be done before sex. Here’s my list of additional things to do before sex:
​
Find a partner (or partners), preferably of the same species.
All parties must sign a consent form.
Agree on a safe word.
Make sure all the sex toys are clean and have operating batteries.
Make sure all tie downs, chains, handcuffs, gags, blindfold, etc. are in good shape.
Agree on a place for sex (bed, couch, rug, kitchen table, desk, park, etc.)
Sign a Non-Disclosure Agreement (NDA) if appropriate.
Make sure your partner’s husband, wife, and/or kids are not home.
Agree on which recreational drug to use.
Make sure the video equipment is operational.
​
​If you use this checklist, your sexual experience is sure to be great.

I read with interest an article by Cari Wira Dineen for Prevention, “5 Signs Your Marriage Isn't As Strong As You Think It Is.” Cari listed these signs:
Your spouse is not your go-to person anymore.
You're overly focused on yourself.
You're comparing your partner to others—and not in a good way.
You're not fighting, but you're not loving either.You're leading separate lives.
In my opinion, these signs aren’t even close. Here is my list of subtle signs your relationship isn't as strong as you think it is:
1.      You don’t cook meth together any more.
2.      You don’t provide each other an alibi when questioned by the police.
3.      Your significant other refuses to remember your safe word.
4.      Your significant other ran off with your best friend.
5.      You unfriended each other on Face Book.
6.      Your significant other opened a separate bank account and won’t share the information with you.
7.      You don’t remember each other’s first names.
8.      Your significant other says she won’t pimp for you anymore.
9.      You don’t wear each other’s underwear anymore.
10.  You have mutual restraining orders against each other.
​If you notice any of these subtle signs, you better believe the marriage isn’t working.

​Dear friends,
 
My newest novel, Night Predator, was published today as an e-book ($2.99). If you would like to order, the link is https://www.amazon.com/Night-Predator-Monte-R-Anderson-ebook/dp/B07CZQBTFS. Please spread the word. Below is a short description of the book. Thanks for your support,
 
Monte
 
Vampires and homo sapiens have co-existed; sometimes living in peace and other times in violence. The on and off wars between vampires and homo sapiens has waged for centuries. Recent scientific discovers – DNA and archeology – proves that vampires are cousins of homo sapiens. When the vampire rebels drop their demand for a homeland for vampires somewhere in the Carpathian Mountains, the war officially ended with the signing of the London Peace Accords.
 
Most people hail the Accords and the peace it provides. However, extreme militants on both sides vowed to continue the battle. The two sides wage a terrorist campaign on each other, often killing innocent bystanders. In 2050, the FBI forms a task force as part of the anti-terrorist division to hunt down both extremists and prosecute them. Michael Castillo, a rookie FBI agent and a homo sapien, and Branko Renner, a former rebel vampire, are reluctant partners on the task force.