Blog Archives - Monte R Anderson - Author

Nude Blogging and #Zombies (Not Nude Zombies - ugh)

7/31/2014

Nudity is now more accepted on TV than ever, according to an article from New York. New TV shows are using nudity to draw in viewers. The "Dating Naked" series is one example of the new trend. Then there is Discovery's "Naked and Afraid" and TLC's real estate show, "Buying Naked." Of course, the genitalia are blurred out, along with female breasts. Perhaps they should block out some male breasts.

I’m not one to buck a hot trend. I will now blog naked, and I don’t mean the “naked truth.” People can read my blog and imagine the rest. Sorry, no pictures or videos. I will have to keep my blog short, because my nudity upsets my greyhounds.

I’m sure you saw the news that a driver struck and seriously injured a woman zombie during the #Comic-Con annual Zombie Walk. The car was surrounded by zombies. When small, deaf children in the car became frightened, the driver tried to move forward. That’s when some zombies became angry, surrounded the car, pounded on it, climbed on it and smashed the windshield. The driver then sped away and injured a woman. How many times in a zombie movie have you seen the stars mow down zombies with their car, indiscriminately killing or wounded dozen? I’m sure the participants thought it was all part of the Zombie Walk. I wasn’t there, but it seems to me that the sponsors should have blocked off the street to traffic. Cars and zombies don’t mix.

More Brain Myths Debunked

7/30/2014

I read with interest an article about the seven most common myths about the brain. In their latest ASAP Science video, Mitchell Moffit and Gregory Brown explain why they aren't true. I’ll just summarize the article. The myths are:

1. A bigger brain is better (smarter). Not true.

2. Alcohol kills brain cells. Not true, thank goodness.

3. Drugs create "holes" in your brain. Not true. Again, thank goodness.

4. The brain has 100 billion cells. Not true. The brain has only 86 billion brain cells. I get light headed thinking about it.

5. People use only 10% of your brain. Not true (unless you’re a politician).

6. People are either "left-brained" or "right-brained." Not true.

7. People have only five senses: sight, smell, taste, hearing, and touch. Also, not true. People also have a sense of balance, temperature, time, pain and proprioception (the body awareness that helps us not walk into things all the time). Makes sense to me.

I believe that Moffit and Brown missed a few myths. As a public services, I will present them here:

1. A “No Brainer.” Not true. If someone is a no brainer, meaning they have no brain, then they are a zombie. At least, I don’t think zombies have brains.

2. “Blow your mind” or be “mind blowing.” Again, not true. If something blows your mind, once again, your become a zombie.

3. “Mind altering” or “mind expanding.” Not true. You brain is what it is. Once you become an adult, it is fully grown. It may shrink as you grow old but won’t expand. “Mime” altering is something else entirely.

4. Eating cold ice cream will make your brain freeze. Not true. Opening the top of your head on a cold day will freeze your brain.

5. Your brain can get a “brain cramp” or a “brain fart” “Not true. Muscles cramp, not brains. Brains can’t fart either. The correct term should be “senior moment’ which can occur at any age.

6. Some people have only half a brain. Okay, this one might be true, especially if you are a politician. This phenomenon can be observed on the news all the time. Recently, a burglar broke into a home and used the victim’s computer to log into his Facebook page. He forgot to log out, and the police traced him to his home. Doctors discovered later that he had only half a brain.

7. “A penny for your thoughts.” Due to inflation, the true cost is 26.5 cents for a thought. People who work for a penny a thought are under paid. This is especially true for writers and bloggers like me.

8. Someone can get “inside your head” or “mess with your head.” Not true, unless you’re a surgeon. Alcohol can get into your head and mess with your head but not people. If you really want to mess with someone’s head just ask, “You’re not going to wear that, are you?”

Possible Hilarious Screenplays as Works in Progress (WIP)

7/28/2014

I have written a few screenplays, nothing published, but I have a few more as WIP. Here is a list of movie screenplays I am working on:

Wyoming: If you thought #Nebraska was a great movie, you’ll love #Wyoming. This is the story of a young politician, Dick #Chaney, who wanders aimlessly across Wyoming to become the Secretary of Defense.

Transgender: You’ve seen the movies: The #Transformers, The Transporter and Lost in Translation. Now watch for Transgender. Self-explanatory.

Ex-Men: The hilarious adventures of five guys who married and then divorced the same woman. I envision this as another Leaving Las Vegas and a male version of the #Real Housewives of Orange County. These guys bicker and whine about everything but agree that their ex is a total bitch.

Rhode Island Boys: The biopic movie would follow the career of the famous singing group from Rhode Island. Does anyone know any famous singing groups from Rhode Island? I got nothing.

XXX Women: Forget the #X-Men and the Ex-Men, watch the XXX-Women. No further description is needed.

Godzilla Meets Paul Bunyan: It’s high time that Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox get their own movie. I think Babe the Blue Ox can take the Godzilla in a fair match (no fire). Paul, with his mighty axe, would make short work of Godzilla.

Next is list of my TV screenplays as WIP:

Green is the New Orange: I’m pitching this TV series as a sequel to #Orange is the New Black. The film would be recycled after every showing. I plan to use only organically grown actors and extras. The script will be written on biodegradable paper made from rags that were made from real paper.

Game of Toilets: This would be a spin off from #The Game of Thrones. It picks up when everything goes down the tubes. It will be a fictional account of a bunch of royals who think their crap smells sweeter than anyone else’s crap.

The following TV shows are basically unscripted:

Fifty Shades of Camouflage: I’m pitching this as a game show on TV. Think #Duck Dynasty meets #Survivor. Professional soldiers camouflage and hide in the jungle. Contestants have to find them. To add to the challenge, the jungle is laced with mines and booby traps and the soldiers shoot real bullets – lots of laughs.

Fifty Varieties of Grey: This reality show is based on the #greyhound bred of dogs. It follows a number of retired racing dogs and some that are still racing. The greyhounds run, sleep, pout, sleep, whine, sleep, eat and sleep. Did I mention that they sleep? The interactions create endless drama. I know because I have two greyhounds. They are great pets.

Fifty Variations of Grey: This reality show takes place in a nursing home. The residents sleep, pout, sleep, whine, sleep, eat, sleep and watch TV. Did I mention that they sleep? The interactions create endless drama. There is bickering, revenge, emotional episodes and even romance.

The Expandables: This reality show would be similar to #The Biggest Loser except in reverse. The show takes ten skinny people who try to eat in as many restaurants as possible to see who can gain the most weight in a month. Each show would take place in a different major city like New York City, Chicago and Los Angeles.

#Japanese Artist Jailed for 3-D Images of Her Vagina

7/26/2014

Once again, a headline has kept me awake at night. I tried to let it go without comment, but I can’t. I saw this tidbit on USA Today. An artist in Japan was charged with distributing obscene material in a crowd-funded project. She provided 3-D images of her vagina to supporters. A kayak modeled after her vagina was intended to build awareness of Japan's bias against discussion of that particular part of female anatomy. Japanese officials said that 3-D pictures of the vagina are pornographic. This came after I previously blogged about an American exchange student slipping and falling into a giant vagina sculpture in southwestern Germany. Now the demand for 3-D printers will go up. Apparently, there is no truth to the rumor that the dildo industry pressured the government to charge her. I want to make three points about this topic. I do not want to get into a debate about art verses porn. I know what I like.

First, to paraphrase Captain Renault from #Casablanca, I'm shocked, shocked to find that there is pornography in Japan. Vaginas are porn? Who knew? I have been a fan of vaginas for years. Rumor has it that Anthony Weiner now has a 3-D camera and printer on back order. Next, he’ll be sexting 3-D pictures of his hot dog.

Second, this artist may be on to something big. Besides kayaks, I can think of many other products that could use the vagina shape: finger warmers, hats (fur lined?), boots/shoes/slippers, ice cream cones, hot dog buns (Come on! You thought about it.), sub sandwiches, coffee mugs and soup/salad bowls.

Third, this could add a whole new dimension (pun intended) to dating web sites. Photographs can be 3 dimensional. The next best thing will be a life size 3-D printer. Potential daters could download the image, try it out and see if they like it.

The F-word is Officially now a Racist Word

7/24/2014

It’s official now - the F-word, or least that variation of it that ends in “er” is a racist word and politically correct and/or sensitive people can no longer use it.

In a recent research study, an ethnic group called the F*#%ers has been identified. #Genealogists were surprised at their findings and how this ethnic group survived so long without recognition as a distinct ethnic family. Apparently, they have existed in plain sight for centuries all over the world. They blend in well since they are not of any distinct color or do they have any distinguishing features. There are mother F*#%ers, father F*#%ers, little F*#%ers, and even stupid F*#%ers. The stupid, mother F*#%er, a much rarer variation, also exists.

Many live and work in #Washington D. C., but researcher found them in most state capitals. Many elected officials are stupid F*#%ers. A disproportional number work for the DMV in most states. They seem to be attracted to jobs that require a great deal of red tape and bureaucracy. They are well suited for government positions. Few actually acknowledge that they belong to the ethnic group, but there is no doubt that they are F*#%ers.

One researcher, who asked not to be identified for fear he might turn out to be a F*#%er, says that he is happy that the work to identify all the F*#%ers can now begin because many of the F*#%ers do not know that they belong to the family of F*#%ers.

We welcome this latest ethnic group and wish them well. In all fairness, it would not be correct to label someone as a F*#%er until the genealogists complete their work. However, many F*#%ers are self-evident by their life style. Research will confirm this one way or another.

PS. during my research, one of the genealogists checked my DNA, and it turns out that I am a F*#%er too. Who knew?

#China Sends Spy Ship Off the Coast of #Hawaii. Why?

7/22/2014

China sent a spy ship off the coast of Hawaii, ostensibly, to watch the multinational naval exercise hosted by the US. The #CIA thinks they may be spying on the US. What in the world would the Chinese hope to learn by monitoring Hawaii? Funny you should ask. Here is a highly classified (by me) list of things the Chinese might be looking for:

1. Reruns of their favorite TV shows like Hawaii Five-O, Gilligan’s Island, Baywatch, Fantasy Island, Kung Fu (I know – not filmed in Hawaii) , and Magnum, P.I.

2. President #Obama’s birth certificate.

3. Good sushi. For some reason, Japan has cut off the supply of sushi to China.

4. American wives who haven’t been indoctrinated with the Party line.

5. Sumo wrestlers who can defeat the Japanese. The Chinese will then propose that #Japan and China settle their territorial disputes with a sumo wrestling match.

6. Real estate in Hawaii. They will then propose that #Taiwan move there.

7. A buyer for #Hong Kong. The city is a thorn in the side of China.

8. The person who stole the recipe for chop suey, a national treasure of China.

9. Dennis #Rodman. They want to steal him from North Korea. They will make him an offer he can’t refuse.

10. The perfect wave for surfing. People are not allowed to surf in China, because they tend to defect to Japan.

New Species are Named After #Celebrities

7/19/2014

In what has become a trend, Jennifer #Lopez has a new species of water mite named in her honor. The new specie was discovered near Puerto Rico. She joins a list of famous people that have critters named after them: Mick #Jagger has a trilobite named after him, Bono has a spider and Bob #Marley has a marine parasite (ouch!)

I can think of some other possibilities and I am sure you can too. Here are my recommendations:

1. Justin #Bieber could have a new species of cuckoo bird named after him. His name would replace the temporary name Dumbae Rockastarus.

2. Rob #Ford, Mayor of #Toronto, could have a new species of skunk named after him. The new name would replace the current name, Drunkus as a Skunkus.

3. This is my personal favorite. A new butterfly could be named after #Miley Cyrus, replacing the name, Goofus Celebritius.

4. Kim #Kardashian could have a new species of hippopotamus named after her, replacing the current name of Humongous Derrierae.

5. A new species of blood sucking leech might be named after Donald #Sterling. The temporary name is Bigotus Billionairae.

Let’s hear your recommendations.

#Obesity in the US Can be Solved with a very Simple, but Difficult Solution.

7/16/2014

Obesity in the US is another problem that can be solved with a very simple, but difficult solution. The solution is intuitively obvious to the casual observer (as we used to say in plebe math), but we are oblivious to it (the gorilla in the room). Here are the facts according to the #CDC: 1. More than one-third of U.S. adults (34.9%) are obese. 2. Obesity-related conditions include heart disease, stroke, type 2 diabetes and certain types of cancer, some of the leading causes of preventable death. 3. The estimated annual medical cost of obesity in the U.S. was $147 billion in 2008 U.S. dollars; the medical costs for people who are obese were $1,429 higher than those of normal weight. I don’t think the costs went down in 2014. After a careful study, I have reached the conclusion that obese people are simply too fat (I resemble that remark so don’t go all PC on me). Let’s face it, fatty foods taste great. It’s the fat in food (butter, etc.) that gives food that zing. Healthy food seldom tastes good. A lot of fatty food is also cheap. People who can’t afford a gym membership can still afford a hamburger. I recommend these two simple solutions:

1. Price food based on calories; to hell with supply and demand. We need the government to mandate pricing on food according to the number of calories. (I don’t want to get into the calories verses carbohydrates debate. Use whatever makes you skinny.) If you want a 1000 calorie burger, that’ll cost you $65.00. You want fries with that? Add another $25. Carrot sticks and celery sticks would be 1 cent a piece. You want peanut butter with your celery? Add $15 (hey, it’s protein)

2. Make foods that are high in calories taste bad. We need a law that says high calorie food must taste bad. They must be injected with broccoli juice or Brussel sprouts juice. That way even if people can afford fattening foods, they won’t enjoy them. The healthier the food, the better the taste – that would be the law.

Go enjoy your costly, bad tasting, and unhealthy burger. I’m going to barbeque some carrots and celery.

Is There a Fair Way to Conduct Layoffs?

7/15/2014

It seems that the US has just one problem after another and crisis following crisis. All these problems cry out for solutions. Usually the solution is counter-intuitive, simple but difficult, or oblivious (the gorilla in the room). During the recession, many companies had to down size or right size, and some capsized. Many good people lost their jobs. Often, companies followed the rule of “Last hired, first fired.” There has to be a better way to select the right people for layoffs and to keep the best employees. I think there is.

First, companies should go through the process of attrition (early retirement incentives, hiring freezes, etc.). Then I think companies should take a page out of the Survivor TV program script. For those of you unfamiliar with the series, it is a reality game show. The contestants use a system of progressive elimination. Each contestant votes to eliminate others. Usually, the jerks and unproductive players are eliminated. That seems fair to me.

Here is how it would work. The process is based on the assumption that the employees know their peers and leaders better than management knows them. Each employee would select five (more if needed) employees that they think should be fired for whatever reason. The reason doesn’t matter. The HR department would tally the votes, and starting with the person with the most votes, lay people off until the appropriate number is reached. This process would eliminate most jerks, brown-nosers, egomaniacs, back stabbers, bad team players and goof offs. Companies may opt for a ceremony such as extinguishing a torch (clearing out an office, desk or locker) or handing out roses (pink slips?) but I think that may be a bit cruel.

This has to be better than the current system used by most companies.

Let’s Put an End to Income Taxes

7/13/2014

It seems that the US has just one problem after another and crisis following crisis. All these problems cry out for solutions. Usually the solution is counter-intuitive, simple but difficult, or oblivious (the gorilla in the room).

The gap between the haves and have not’s, the 1 percent and the 99 percent seems to be getting greater all the time. “Have not” sounds so negative and isn’t really true. Maybe we need to change the name to the “Have very little.” The “haves” would then become the “Have too much.” The middle class might become the “Have some.” Most taxes like income tax and sales tax impact the have very little and have some more than they do the have too much. We need to set a limit on how rich people can be. A person can spend only so much money, drive so many cars and live in so many homes. Beyond that amount, excess money is just wasted. Research will determine what the limit should be, but for the sake of argument, I suggest we set the limit a person can keep to $250 million. Any earning and assets above that must go to the government. I propose that every year people calculate their wealth: income, investments, savings, personal property, etc. Then everything above $250 million goes to the government. It’s not a tax, it’s a forfeiture. If you want to call it a tax, then it is a 100% tax. We would also cap inheritance at $250 million as well lottery winnings and civil law suits. Everything above $250 million would go to the government.

If rich people want to benefit from the excess over the cap, they can share the wealth. By that I mean hire more employees, give out pay raises and bonuses, donate to charities and invest in research and development.

Just to give you an idea of what that would mean, here are the forfeitures for some selected have too much:

1. Bill Gates - $71.7 billion

2. Warren Buffet - $58.2 billion

3. Charles Koch - $35.7 billion

4. David Kock - $35.7 billion

5. Jim Walton - $33 billion

A nice sum for the US budget.