sI love detective show but sometimes the action seems predictable. Here’s my spoof of a typical crime show. It’s a little long for a blog so I’ll post it on two parts. I have reformatted it to make it fit. Enjoy.
 
Typical hotel bedroom. Man and woman in bed making love. The woman is on top. Camera shots from six different angles. Close up on MARTHA ANDREWS’ face.
 
Cut to front of hotel. CHRIS ANDREWS enters, walks through lobby, takes elevator to 44th floor, walks down hallway, stops at a room, takes out a set of burglary tools and picks the lock. Opens door and walks in.
 
CHRIS: Martha?
 
MARTHA: Chris! Don’t you ever knock?
 
CHRIS: Martha! What is going on?
 
MARTHA: (jumping out of bed and pulling a sheet around herself) Don’t be stupid. You can see what is going on. Or can’t you remember?
 
CHRIS: Why, Martha? I love you. I’ll forgive you.
 
MARTHA: I love you too. I will always love you. I’m just not in love with you.
 
CHRIS: What the hell does that mean?
 
MARTHA: I don’t know. It’s in the script. I just read the lines. I don’t have to understand them.
 
CHRIS: Who’s this guy?
 
MARTHA: Who? I’ll tell you who. He’s real man who loves me. He loves me for who I am, not who he expects me to be. He loves me for myself. He is concerned about my emotional needs. He treats me with respect, not like some trophy wife.
 
CHRIS: No, I mean what is his name?
 
MARTHA: If you must know, he name is John.
 
BILL: Actually, my name is Bill. Bill Smith
 
CHRIS: Yeah, right.
 
MARTHA: Shut up Bill! Keep out of this. This is between my husband and me.
 
BILL: (getting out of bed) I didn’t realize you were married. Perhaps, I should go. (starts to get dressed)
 
MARTHA: No, stay. I’ll get rid of him.
 
BILL: I have to get back to work anyway.
 
CHRIS: Why him?
 
MARTHA: (starts to get dressed) He’s twice the man you are.
 
CHRIS: That’s because he must weigh 500 pounds.
 
BILL: Please! I weigh 450 pounds and not a pound more.
 
CHRIS: How could you, Martha?
 
MARTHA: Well, I have to stay on top.
 
CHRIS: No, I meant how could you do this to me?
 
Martha gives Chris a quizzical look.
 
CHRIS: I am talking about our marriage. How could you do this to our marriage?
 
MARTHA: Oh. Come on! We’ve been married for two weeks. How long did you expect me to be faithful?
 
CHRIS: Longer than two weeks.
 
MARTHA: You should’ve said something.
 
CHRIS: Do the words, forsaking all others mean anything to you?
 
MARTHA: No. Should they?
 
CHRIS: They were part of our marriage vows.
 
MARTHA: Again, if it was in the script, I don’t have to know what it means.
 
BILL: How much do I owe you?
 
MARTHA: Two hundred. Same as last week.
 
BILL: Will I see you again?
 
MARTHA: Of course. Next week. Same time.
 
BILL: (hands Martha two one hundred dollar bills. They kiss.) See you next week.
 
Bill exits.
 
MARTHA: (Martha holds one of the bills up to the light.) Stop him! These bills are counterfeit!
 
TO BE CONTINUED…       
 
Don’t you hate it when at the critical point in the show, they say “TO BE CONTINUED…” I do. Unfortunately, this will be continued next week. Have a good weekend.
 
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Now that I have achieved the ripe old age of 70, I’m trying to count my blessing and see the advantages of being ancient. Here’s what I came up with so far:
 
1.      You’re too old to die young. Besides, only the good die young.
2.      You no longer have to remember things like birthdays, anniversaries, names of your grandchildren, the name of your significant other, etc. People will assume you have the early stages of dementia.
3.      You get the senior discount. Actually, you get the senior discount usually starting at 55.
4.      Most clerks will stop asking for ID. After a while you’ll look so damn old, everyone will assume you’re over 21.
5.      You can retell the old jokes because the youngest generation never heard them. That’s if you can remember them.
6.      Smoke, eat whatever, and drink. It won’t shorten your life by much.
7.      Your significant other won’t have high expectations in the bedroom. As a side note, any sex after 70 is great.
8.      You get a break on your taxes. The best thing to do is to spend your children’s inheritance.
9.      People will assume you’re wise whenever you give advice. Old folks just look wise. People assume if you live long enough, you should learn something. The wisest thing to do is to not give any advice.
10.  You can easily embarrass your children and grandchildren. My favorite is to wear black socks with Bermuda shorts and sandals. A great prank is close your eyes and hold your breath as long as you can. My other favorite is to grab your chest and yell, “I’m coming Martha. It’s the big one.” That last one if from Sanford and Son, a 70’s TV show (just google it).
 Perhaps you can think of a few others – let’s hear them.
 
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The #FBI announced today that no criminal charges would be brought against the Democratic National Committee following the #Wikileaks release of 20,000 emails stolen from the servers of the #DNC. Whoa, wait, stop. Wrong info. I got my newsfeeds crossed. Sorry about that. No one has come forward as the leaker (leakee? whistleblower?). Of course, it may have been the new transparency in government that the parties are touting. Some security firms are suggesting it was hackers from (pick one or more): Russia, ISIS, the #Republican Party, North Korea, or Bernie #Sanders.

Apparently, the DNC hasn’t learned anything about securing their emails after the debacle caused by Hillary #Clinton’s handling of emails while Secretary of State. To paraphrase FBI Director James #Comey, I don't think the Democrats are particularly sophisticated with respect to handling email servers. I guess the resignation of Party chair Debbie Wasserman #Schultz is a partial solution. Apparently, there is no truth to the rumors that the DNC is seeking administrative assistants that know how to use typewriters. A rumor is also going around that they would like a type of email that self-destructs after fifteen minute. (Okay, I must confess, I started that rumor.) I predict that Snapchat will be the new server for all Democratic Party correspondence.

In days of old, we used to download all critical information and take it off site to protect it. Has the DNC never heard of codes, encryptions and self-destructing programs? I found several on the internet. The email server shouldn’t keep records of messages on the server.
As they say, live and learn. This blog will self-destruct in 15 seconds.
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I’ve been watching the Republican National Convention (RNC) and enjoying the commentary from the super political analysists. I now know more about the nominee’s wife’s speech than I care to know, less about Donald Trump that I need to know, and I get daily updates on the number of time each speaker uses the names of #Clinton and #Trump. Thanks goodness for the political analysists who took over the tedious task of counting how many times names are used in speeches. AND I certainly don’t have the time to check every speech for plagiarism. Such in depth political analysis, no doubt, can’t fail to fully inform voters about the policies and positions of the #GOP’s nominee. Opps, sorry. I’m not a speech writer – let me rephrase that; Such in depth political analysis, can fail to fully inform voters with no doubt about the policies and positions of the GOP’s nominee. Opps again. Let me try again. Such doubtful in depth political analysis, fails to inform voters about the policies and positions of the GOP’s nominee. Damn! I can’t get it right. One more time – Such dubious in depth political analysis, can’t fail to fully misinform voters about the policies and positions of the GOP’s nominee. Never mind; forget about it.
 
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Much Ado About Nothing (William #Shakespeare) over Melania Trump’s speech at the #RNC in #Cleveland. The media is comparing it to Michelle #Obama’s speech in 2008. Her speech was downgraded from an A to a D- in the Court of Public Opinion. I suppose if she had said “Four score and seven years ago,” (#AbrahamLincoln) someone would say she plagiarized from President Lincoln’s address at #Gettysburg. Had she quoted "In the beginning God created the heavens..." (God, Jehovah, or Moses) the media would claim she stole that line from God.
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It was certainly a “dark and stormy night" (Edward Bulwer-Lytton or maybe Snoopy) in Cleveland at the RNC convention. I’m sure in the future, Melania will “Nevermore” (Edgar Allan Poe) quote someone without giving them full credit. Remember “Let no one’s work escape your eye; plagiarize, plagiarize.” (Unknown).
 
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With all the news about police lately, I thought I might provide a community service by telling everyone how to behave when pulled over by police. Here goes.
 
1. Be careful how you ditch the #pot. Once you see the patrol car in your rearview mirror, it is too late to throw the pot out the window. The police will see you do it, find the pot, and add the charge of littering. If it is a small amount, you might be able to eat it. Plan ahead. Cut a square hole in the floorboard. Make a little trap door so you can drop the pot or whatever onto the roadway.
2. Don’t admit to smoking pot or drinking. Look surprised. Keep your stash in a plastic zip lock bag with someone else’s name on it – preferably your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse. You might even add the address.
3. Don’t try to tell the officer that you are just returning from Colorado. They have heard it before. Tell the police that you are returning from your chemotherapy session.
4. Don’t offer a donation to police association. Chances are you won’t offer enough.
5. Don’t offer a bribe. Just like number 5 above, it won’t be enough.
6. Comb your hair. You have seen the pictures of celebrities picked up for DUI. Their mug shots look terrible. Keep a comb where you can find it fast and comb your hair before the officer tells you to roll down your window. Have a little pride. Smile when they take your picture.
7. Don’t unbutton your blouse/shirt. The officer will not be tempted. Again, chances are it won’t be enough. That applies to you women too.
8. All the rules for using a cellphone apply. If the police suspect you are DUI, they can seize your phone. It would not be a good idea for them to find selfies of you smoking pot. Do not identify your dealer as “My supplier.”
9. Don’t ask the officer if he/she would like to sample your #marijuana, come to a pot party or buy some pot.
10. If you smoke pot while driving, leave the windows open. A cloud of smoke rolling out when you roll down you window is not cool.
11. Buy a T-shirt with one diagonal line that runs from your left shoulder to your right hip. It will look like a seat belt. Better yet – wear your seat belt.
 
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1.       A fire truck shows up whenever you start to barbeque.
2.       The FBI sets up a stake out in the house across the street.
3.       The pizza delivery person won’t come to your house.
4.       The neighbors call their kids inside every time you go outside.
5.       All your neighbors are selling their homes.
6.       Your neighbors are building high fences and topping them with barbed wire and glass.
7.       There’s a news van parked in front of your house.
8.       People out walking cross the street rather than walk in front of your house.
9.       When you leave the house a drone follows you.
10.   The garbage company won’t pick up your trash.

Perhaps you know from experience a few others.
 
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Okay, you bought a new house on good faith. How can you tell if you purchased a nice home or one that is toxic? Here are the ten subtle signs that your new home might not be a good bargain.

1.       You dog keeps finding bones in your back yard.
2.       The mailperson wears a HAZMAT suit to deliver the mail.
3.       The UPS delivery person sweeps your sidewalk with a mine detector whenever he makes a delivery.
4.       There’s crime scene tape across your front door.
5.       There’s an outline of a body on your living room floor.
6.       The local motorcycle gang keeps throwing beer cans on your front lawn.
7.       Your GPS can’t find your house.
8.       When you tell people your address they roll their eyes.
9.       Your house is a stop on the haunted house tour.
10.   Your backyard keeps getting smaller as pieces keep falling off into the ocean.

I’m sure there are other signs. I hope this helps you make a wise decision when you purchase a house.
 
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Apparently, there’s no truth to the rumors (yet) that #FoxNews Chairman Roger Ailes and Fox and Friends Co-Host Steve Doocy will undergo sensitivity training as part of a settlement to the law suit for unlawful sexual harassment brought forth by Gretchen #Carlson. Rumors circulated that Roger and Steve might attend a training session commonly used by politicians and celebrities. I wasn’t able to confirm these rumors one way or another.  However, I was able to obtain from a confidential source a copy of the training schedule Roger Ailes and Steve Doocy may undertake. The program is known as Sensitivity and Intense Training for Completely Obnoxious Men, or SITCOM. This sensitivity training is for one week.

Sunday Mixer
Join in a mixer for all attendees Sunday night at 7 PM until? Meet the instructors and fellow celebrities who have fallen from grace. Mixer is hosted by Hooters.
 
Monday Session
How to Hold a Press Conference. Learn how to deny charges without using the telltale signs for lying. Learn how to say “sensitivity training” with a straight face. Panel discussion with panelists Bob Filner (former Mayor), Bob Packwood (former Senator), and Anthony Weiner (former Congressman)
 
Tuesday Session
Sexual Harassment 101. Learn the two types of sexual harassment; “quid pro quo” and “hostile work environment.” Included are proven methods to avoid blackmail and getting caught. Learn how to pay hush money without leaving a paper trail. Instructors are Bob Filner, former Mayor of San Diego and former TV host David Letterman.
 
Wednesday Session
Yes, You Can Clean Up Your Act. In this seminar, learn out to appear reformed without really changing. Panel members include Mitsubishi CEO; former Congressman, Anthony Weiner; and Bill Clinton.
 
Thursday Session
There is Life After a #Scandal. Instructors will tell you how to find work after falling from grace. Instructors are former Governor of New York, Eliot Spitzer; and former Governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger; and Congressman for South Carolina, Mark Sanford.
 
Friday Closing Ceremony: Graduation ceremony for those who have not dropped out of the program, or have not settled out of court.
 
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Due to Earth's rotation, 2016 will gain one extra second. Use it wisely. Here are some suggestions on what you can do with one second:

•          Exhale – You might be able to do this and inhale within one second but don’t continue or you may hyperventilate.
•          Inhale – See above comments.
•          Hold your breath – Don’t forget to start breathing again after one second.
•          Count to one
•          Mediate – Opps, sorry. I just tried this and fell asleep. Where was I? Oh yeah, what to do with one second.
•          Kiss your significant other.
•          Hug a child.
•          Tell your employer your pay must increase. For example, if you earn $15 per hour, you should get a pay increase of  $0.0042. Hey, every little bit helps.
•          Relax – we all could use extra time to relax.

It might be better to add that second onto time used for something:

•          Add one second to microwave food.
•          When someone says, “Give me a second,” you could give them a this second. Of course, they would now then have two seconds. What a great gift.
•          When you say, “Just a second,” or “Hold on a second,” you could use this second. It’s like free time.
•          Add one second to your love making, if you can.

Perhaps you have some ideas? Let hear them.
 
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