This not my usual humorous blog, but I think you might enjoy it.
The Last Chit–Chat

Hello, hon. You look good. New dress?

“No, dear. It’s the same old one that I’ve had for ten years, but thanks anyway. Are you comfortable?”

Yes. The pain is gone. Is this my suit? I don’t recognize it.

“No. You didn’t have any nice suits. The funeral home provided this one for you.”
That’s nice. So… who all came?

“All our children and grandchildren are here. One of your brothers made it. My sister came.”

Are you going to be okay? What will you do?

“I’ll be all right. I think I’ve move to one of those senior living apartments. The house is too much for me now.”

That’s nice. You’ll enjoy that.

“Mom, what are you doing? Everyone is here and they’re ready to start the funeral. There’s a seat for you in the first pew.”

“Oh, hi dear. I’m just having one more chit chat with your father. Once they bury him I won’t be able to talk with him.”

“You can always talk with him, mom.”

“I mean face to face. I think that’s what I’ll miss the most – just seeing his face and chit chatting.”

“He always was a handsome man. Are you okay?”

“I’ll be okay if I can just get through this day. You go ahead. I’ll just be a minute.”

“Okay. We need to start.”

“I’d better go, dear. They want to start the funeral.”

Goodbye, hon. I’ll see you on the other side. Love you.

“Save me a place. I’ll be along shortly. Love you too, dear.”
​
THE END

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I like to watch TV. However, lately my favorite shows seem to have added so many sub-plots that it’s hard to keep them straight. There’s a sub-plot for each relationship.  Here’s an example of a detective show with too many sub-plots.
 
Dick sat at his non-descript desk in the bull pen typing out his report on his latest bust. His partner, Tracy, sat in the desk next to his doing the same.
 
A tall blond walked over to Dick’s desk and sat on the edge of his desk. It was Joanna from Vice. She was a very successful undercover detective in vice because she looked and acted like a hooker. “Are you coming over tonight, handsome?” Joanna asked slyly.
 
“Yeah,” Dick answered. “As soon as I finish my report, I’ll be right over – thirty-minutes, tops.”
 
Joanna stood up. “Okay but don’t be too late or I’ll start without you. Oh, and bring your handcuffs.”
 
“Where are yours?” Dick asked.
 
Joanna smiled. “We’ll need two pair tonight, Sugar.” She exited the room with a little more sway than her usual strut. Dick and Tracy watched her until she turned into the hall with a pad of sticky notes stuck to her butt.
 
Dick glanced over to Tracy in time to see him advert his eyes back to his monitor. Dick returned to writing his report. Finally, he broke the sound of clicking key boards, “This isn’t fair.”
 
“What’s not fair?” Tracy asked, looking up.
 
“The whole justice system. Today we busted a meth lab and took in… what, half a mill in drugs and easily $100,000 in cash, and what do we get out of it? A pat on the back. It isn’t fair.”
 
“Yeah, you’re right. You know, in some companies, we’d get to keep ten percent.” They both returned to their key boards. After a few minutes, Tracy said, “Did you know there’s 3.5 million dollars in the evidence room? A couple of smart guys like us could figure a way to get it out.”
 
Dick sat back in his chair and looked at Tracy. “You’re right. We could figure out how to remove it without anyone noticing.”
 
“After work, let’s go get a drink and talk about it,” Tracy suggested.
 
“I can’t. I’ve got a date tonight. Maybe tomorrow.”
 
Tracy laughed. “Going over to Joanna the Slut’s place?”
 
Dick stared at his partner. “Don’t call her that.”
 
“Everyone calls her that.”
 
“I don’t care. Don’t call her a ‘slut’ in my presence.”
 
Tracy threw his hands up in surrender. “Okay, partner.”
 
Detective Columbo, another detective in Dick’s department, walked over and leaned on Dick’s desk. He looked Dick straight in the eyes. “This isn’t over, dick-head. We need to settle it. Let’s you and I go to the gym tonight and get in the ring – no holds barred.”
 
Dick smiled. “Can’t tonight, maybe tomorrow night.”
 
Columbo straighten up. “Oh yeah, you’re going out with Joanna the Slut tonight.”
 
Dick jump to his feet. He would’ve hit Columbo in the face if Tracy hadn’t jumped in between them. Tracy placed his hands on Columbo’s chest and gave him a slight shove. “Not now, guys and not here; tomorrow night at the gym. Now beat it, Columbo.”
 
 Columbo pointed a finger at Dick. “I’m going to kill you.” He turned and stormed out.
 
Dick’s boss, Lois Lane, stood in the doorway to her office. “Dick.” Both Tracy and Dick looked up and made eye contact. “Not you, dick-head, the other Dick,” Lois said. She signaled for Dick to come into her office. When Dick came into his office, Lois said, “Close the door and sit down.” She shuffled through some pages and finally looked up at Dick. “Where’s the report on today’s bust?”
 
“I’m working on it, Chief. I’ll e-mail it to you in twenty minutes.”
 
Lois nodded. “Do you need over-time?”
 
“No, No. I got it. Besides, I have a date tonight.”
 
Lois chuckled. “Going out with Joanna the Slut again?”
 
Dick didn’t answer; he just glared.
 
Lois shook her head. “Look, I understand. You work hard, you play hard. It’s been a long day and you need your pipes cleaned. Go for it. Go ahead and just file the report. Print out a hard copy for me.”
 
Dick cocked his head. “Is that why you called me in here? What’s on your mind?”
 
Lois shook her head. “You always were the perceptive one. Internal Affairs is reopening the case from last year about the teenager you shot.”
 
“Who’s heading up the investigation?” Dick asked.
 
“Sherlock Holmes.”
 
Dick shook his head. “He’s been after me very since I accidently ran over that kid my rookie year. That shooting is a closed case. It was a clean shot.”
 
“You fired nineteen rounds into the perp. You stopped to reload a second clip.”
 
Dick stood up and shouted, “He was jaywalking!” He took a deep breath and composed himself, flopping down in the chair. “He could have been hit by a truck. I probably saved his life when I shot him.”
 
Lois shook her head. “It would have been better if you had killed him. He sued the department and the city settled out of court for five million dollars. I think Sherlock wants to recoup some of the money from your pension. That’s brings up a good point; You shot him nineteen times and he still crawled away.”
 
“I could have killed him if I wanted to.”
 
Tracy stuck his head in the door. “Dick, you better come out and see this. Your daughter is here asking for you.”
 
“Damn it!” Lois shouted. “I closed that door for a reason.”
 
Tracy stepped inside the office. “Sorry, Chief. It’s an emergency.” Dick stood up and marched out of Clark’s office followed by Tracy.
 
Dick’s daughter, Mystique, stood by Dick’s desk; young, pretty, wearing a too short and tight mini-skirt and sporting a black eye.
 
Dick stopped in his tracks. “WTF? Who hit you?” Mystique wasn’t crying, but Dick could tell by the way she clinched her jaw she was pissed.
 
Mystique chuckled.  “My so-called boyfriend did this.”
 
Dick clinched his fists. “I’ll kill him. Where is he?”
 
Mystique held up her hands to stop her father. “You have to chill, dad. I’m a big girl now. I can take care of myself. I’ll handle this. I just came by to borrow a gun.”
 
Tracy reached down to his ankle and pulled out a small pistol. “Here. Use mine. It’s unregistered and the serial number’s filed off.” He stepped forward and handed it to Mystique.
 
“Thanks,” she said, “I’ll return it tomorrow.” She kissed Tracy on the mouth. Her left hand stayed on his buttocks a little too long. She turned and kissed her father on the cheek. “Don’t worry about me. I’ll see you tonight.”
 
Dick shook his head. “Sorry, hon. I’ve a date. I might not be home tonight.”
 
Mystique laughed. “Oh, Joanna the Slut again? Oh well, I shouldn’t talk. Have fun. See you at the fight.”
 
Dick was puzzled. “What fight?”
 
Mystique stopped in the doorway. “I heard you and Columbo are scheduled to fight tomorrow after work. It’s about time you two kissed and made up.”
 
Dick could feel his face redden. “Is nothing a secret around here?” He watched his daughter walk out; her mini-skirt revealing a little too much cheek. He turned around and saw Tracy watching her. When he glared at him, Tracy looked down and slithered over to his desk. In ten minutes, Dick was finished and headed for the door.
 
“Give my love to Joanna,” Tracy shouted.
 
It was now dark. As Dick walked toward his car, he heard a voice out of the darkness. “Dick, wait up.” It was one of his confidential informants, Moriarty. Moriarty closed the distance between them. “Hey, we need to talk.”
 
“WTF, Moriarty? I said never to talk to me here or in public.”
 
“I know, dude, don’t get flamed. I wouldn’t if it wasn’t important.” Dick paused to listen. “Word on the street is you and Tracy going to drain the evidence room.”
 
Dick was stunned. “Where did you hear that?”
 
“I’ve my sources. That’s why I’m a good CI. Is it true?”
 
“It’s in the planning stage.”
 
Moriarty placed a hand on Dick’s shoulder. “Well, if you need help, I’m here for you, dude. I also heard you and Columba are going to rubble tomorrow night.”
 
Dick raised his voice. “Damn it! Are there no secrets anymore? So… what are the odds?”
 
“Three to one in Columbo’s favor.”
 
“WTF? I’ll murder that guy.” Dick took out his wallet and fished out a twenty. “Put $20 on me to win.”
 
“Come on, dude. Only a twenty? Your daughter put up $30 on Columbo.”
 
“I guess there is no loyalty. I always thought blood was thicker.”
 
Moriarty laughed. “Well, I guess we’ll see tomorrow. By the way, Chief Lane bet $50 on Columbo.”
 
Dick looked up at Lois’ window and saw the light was out. He pulled out another $10 and gave it to Moriarty. “Now get out of my sight before I arrest you for gambling.”
 
Moriarty disappeared into the shadows. From the shadows he yelled, “Give my love to Joanna the Slut.”
 
THE END
 
This snippet has so many sub-plots I have forgotten the original plot. Too any cooks spoil the broth. The same goes for plots.

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I read with interest, the “5 Career Ruining Habits You Should Drop Now” from Resume Writer for You. The article listed these bad habits that slow down your career growth and eventually kill it: no skill development, squeezing ‘I’ in TEAM, dishonesty, a bad attitude and fatalism. All these are true, but I think there’re are many other habits that ruin your career. Here they are:
1.      You post funny videos about your co-workers and boss on YouTube.
2.      You keep talking about making pipe bombs.
3.      You waste time by coloring when you should be working.
4.      You talk to your imaginary friend during meetings.
5.      You keep sexting the boss’ secretary.
6.      You ask the boss for a date.
7.      You bring your AK47 to work.
8.      You use drugs at work.
9.      You keep saying the boss’ ideas are stupid.
10.  You keep pushing on the pull door.
If you recognize any of these habits as your own, you need to stop now. Good luck with your career.
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Angelina allowed herself a small snicker as the focus of her ire came down for breakfast. God, I hate him, she thought. Look at that idiot. Little does he know that I am going to kill him next week. I can’t stand the sight of him.    
​
“Good morning, dear,” Ravi said as he poured himself a cup of coffee.

“How’d you sleep last night?” I wish she died in her sleep. That would make everything easier, he thought. I have to kill her next week. He sat down at the table opposite her. 
   
Angelina handed Ravi the half-and-half. “Fine. And you?”

Ravi blew on the surface of his coffee, a habit that Angelina found extremely annoying, and took one sip. Blood began to drip from his nostrils. As he reached up to touch his face, foam began to pour out of his mouth. He looked at Angelina with those narrow beady eyes as his head hit the table with a thud. Then his head rolled off the table, across the kitchen floor and into the dog’s dish where Peppy, the greyhound, began to lick his face.  
  
“Like a baby.” Ravi grabbed the bagel knife, reached across the table and stabbed Angelina’s hand, pinning it to the table. Pulling a pistol from the back of his waistband, he shot Angelina between the eyes. He smiled as the back of her head blew out like a smashed watermelon. Blood spouted out the top of her head and down onto the flannel nightgown that he hated. “Do you have plans this weekend?”    

“No, not really.” Angelina poured another cup of coffee. Yes, you bastard, Angelina thought. While you’re banging your slutty mistress across town, I have to buy some antifreeze for your coffee. Then I have to stop off at the gun shop and pick up the pistol that has been on hold while my background check is in progress. I also want to find your old hunting knife.   
 
“Me neither.” Ravi sipped his coffee again. I wish I had a slutty mistress across town so I could spend the day banging her while you waste money on another facial. He finished his coffee and stood up. “Well, I am going to get dressed and do some yard work.”  
  
“You do that, dear. I think I’ll go into town and get a facial.” What an idiot. He is worth millions but wears the same pair of underwear for years. I can’t wait to kill him.    

“Have fun. Pick up something for dinner.” As Ravi walked out of the kitchen, the kitchen exploded in a ball of fire. Apparently, someone left the gas on in the oven.  
  
“Ciao,” Angelina answered. As Ravi reached the top of the stairs, the top step gave way. He grabbed the railing and that also gave way. He fell over the side and landed on his head in the living room. His eyes were open and glued to the TV. The thought of it made Angelina smile.  
  
“Angie, I can’t find my lucky underwear.” What a bitch. I bet she threw them out.    

“I threw them out, dear. I’ll buy you some new ones while I’m in town.” I gotta kill him next week.     
Ravi shook his head. I have gotta kill her next week.
​
THE END
 
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“Heads, we get married; tails, we break up.”

Judy nearly spit out a mouth full of her cosmopolitan when she laughed. If that remark came from a boyfriend, she might have been angry but coming from a total stranger, she thought it was the funniest pick-up line she had ever heard. She was sitting alone in this popular bar, and this was not the first line of the evening that she had heard, but it was intriguing. It got her attention. She turned on her bar stool toward the stranger. “What?” she shouted above the din of the bar.

In a slightly louder voice, the stranger leaned in and started to repeat his remark. “I said...”

Judy cut him off. “No, no. I heard what you said. What do you mean?”

The good-looking stranger smiled. “Well, that is where all these relationships are heading, right? You meet someone and down the road, you either break up or get married. I am just trying to save time. Heads, we get married; tails, we break up.”

“Wait! Wait!” Judy said with a grin. “If those are my only choices, I have to have a name.”

“No, that just makes breaking up that much harder. It’s easier if we don’t know each other’s name.”

“Yes, but what if it turns up heads and we get married? I have to decide if I like your name, right?”

“No. You can keep your name, if you like, or you can hyphenate the names. It’s your call.”

Judy smiled. “No deal. I have to have a first name at least.”

“Okay, my first name is Bob.”

Judy stuck out her hand. “Hello, Bob. I’m Judy. Nice to meet you."

Bob shook Judy’s hand. “Now that that’s out of the way, let’s flip the coin.”

Judy poked a finger into Bob’s chest. “No. No. No. I have some questions first.”

“Trust me, Judy. The less we know about each other, the easier it will be to break up.”

“Look! Either I get to ask some questions or no coin toss.”

Bob thought about it for a few seconds. “Okay, we each get three questions. You first.”

Judy took a deep breath. “Question number one; do you want kids?"

Bob’s eyes lit up. “Oh, yes! I love kids. Next question.”

Judy laughed. “Question number two; where would we live?”

“Wherever you like. I’d even be willing to live near your family.”

“Well, that’s good. Now the last question; does this line get you many dates?”

Bob, laughed and shook his head. “Actually, this is the first time I have tried it.”

Judy nodded in agreement. “I thought so. Now you ask three questions.”

Bob thought for a minute. “Okay, here goes. What’s your favorite color?”

“What! Of all the important details you need to know before we get married, and the top of your list is my favorite color. Why?”

“If we do get married, I will bring you a rose every day in your favorite color.”

“Well, lucky for you, it’s red.”

“Very well. My next question is; what’s your favorite type of food?’

“Italian. Why?”

“If we get married, I will take you out for Italian every Friday.”

Judy grinned. “Sounds good. Last question?”

“My last question is; how am I doing so far?”

Judy nodded. “Actually, not too bad. Flip the coin.”

Bob flipped the coin up, but Judy intercepted it before Bob could catch it. She slapped it on the back of her other hand and removed her top hand to reveal heads. Then she picked up the coin and turned it over. “Really, Bob? A two headed coin?”

“I, I, I just wanted to increase my odds. How did you know?”

Judy smiled. “Let’s just say that this is not my first rodeo. How about we flip to see where you will take me for dinner? Heads for Italian and heads for Italian.”

Bob smiled. “Okay.”
​
Judy flipped the coin and caught it. Without looking at it, she slipped it into her pocket. “Italian it is.”
“Can I have my coin back?”

Judy laughed as she hooked her arm in his and headed for the door. “Don’t push your luck.”

THE END
 
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I read a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology that found people who partially confessed to a misdeed ended up feeling worse than those who fully confessed. Apparently, a full confession is good for the soul - good news for Catholics. The study stated a partial confession eases the guilty feeling but still lets us get away with some bad behavior. We sometimes use a partial confession to make ourselves look better in the eyes of others. A partial confession often seems more believable. I’m not sure if the timing of this study had anything to do with Russian-gate (you read it here first). The study looked at such issues as cheating, breaking the law, infidelity, stealing, drug use, and lying. I found it interesting that these significant issues weren’t considered:
   
1. Farting. This could be in bed, in the living room, or in an elevator. It is a compelling reason to own a dog.    
2. Eating the last doughnut. When confronted with this accusation, it is best not to have the tell-tale powdered sugar on your face or clothes. You ate only the low-cal ones.   
3. Not reading the entire agreement before clicking on “I agree” or “I have read all the terms of agreement.” Guilty! No comment.    
4. Removing the tag on bedding that says, “DO NOT REMOVE UNDER PENTALITY OF LAW.” I know you did it because sometimes you need to feel a little wild – an outlaw.   
5. Denying that you were looking at a woman’s cleavage or a man’s tight jeans. I’m not sure how you could partially confess to this. Could you say you had one eye closed and it was your bad eye? Our you could fake blindness. Works for me.    
6. Stating that you have no idea how you gained weight while on a diet. Again, guilty. It couldn’t be the wine you drink – wine comes from grapes – a fruit. It can’t be chocolate candy – chocolate comes from the coco bean – again a fruit.
7. Telling your significant other you weren’t flirting with his/her best friend. No, you are just being friendly. Not your type anyway.
8. Telling the police officer that pulled you over you had no idea how fast you were driving. You were just trying to blow out the carbon from the engine. Maybe you thought the officer was your ex stalking you. Could work.
9. Telling your significant other you aren’t sneaking a smoke after you swore to give up smoking. Of course not! You gave your word and if anything, your word is good.
10. Telling your doctor you feel just fine. You don’t want any new meds. You can’t afford the fee. Whatever. Don’t tell the doctor about the chest pains. I mean, what’s the worst that could happen?
 
Those are just a few issues that the study failed to address. I am sure that you readers can think of more. Let me know.

I read with interest and article by Maria Ward from Vogue on my news feed. The article was “7 Job Interview Tips Everyone Needs to Know.” Ms. Ward listed these seven tips:
1.      Do Your Homework
2.      Practice, Practice, Practice
3.      Approach Digital Differently (Skype interviews)
4.   Look and Feel Your Best
5.   Make a Fabulous Entrance
 6.   Demonstrate Confidence Beyond Body Language
 7.   Make a Fabulous Exit
 
As usual whenever writers make these lists, there are several tips omitted. As public service, I will provide those missing tips here;
1.      Don’t talk about your fraternity or sorority. I have blogged about this before. If your fraternity or sorority hasn’t been in the news recently for some stupid stunt, it will be. Best not to mention it until after you’re hired.
2.      Don’t mention your Facebook page unless you’ve sanitized it. The same goes for Twitter, Google+, YouTube, Instagram, and Tumblr. Remember that really funny video of a drunk you falling into a wedding cake? Yeah, your interviewer doesn’t need to know about it.
3.      Don’t render the Nazi salute. The same goes for fancy handshakes like the hand jive, high fives and Boy Scouts/Cub Scouts/Girl Scouts secret handshakes.
4.      Don’ mention how many people you slept with at your previous employer. The truth is… no one cares.
5.      Don’t push on the pull door. As you approach a door, determine if it is a push or pull door and act accordingly. It’s a test of your intelligence.
6.      Don’t wear your Superman/Supergirl T-shirt under your white shirt. The interviewer may not be a fan.
7.      Do remember how to exit the building. This tip is similar to the push/pull door tip. People will notice if you exit the interview and then wander aimless around the building trying to get out; not a good impression.
8.      Do use the restroom before your hours long interview. Asking permission to go pee is simply PPPP (Piss poor prior planning).
9.      Do remember where you parked your car. You don’t want to hang around the parking lot looking lost.
10.  Do wear pants/skirt during your Skype interview. I know that the camera shows only the torso, but accidents do happen.
 
If you remember these tips, you’ll be sure to land a job. God Luck.
 
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