You may have read Mitch Albom’s novel, The Five People You Meet in Heaven. With a wink and a nod to Mr. Albom, I now present The Five People You Meet in Hell. Sorry, it’s a blog not a novel – maybe later.

Okay, you screwed up and you know it. You are going to hell. No sweat, you say. You have many friends in hell, so you won’t be lonely. True. The company you keep puts you in hell. Here’s a clue; your enemies are there too, and they are waiting for you. Here are the five people who will meet you at the gates of hell when you arrive:

1. Your ex-girlfriend/ boyfriend and/or ex-spouse. Remember how you cheated on your significant other? You cheated. You lied about it. You confessed and promised never to do it again. Then you cheated again and lied again. You thought you got away this last time. Your ex knows what you did and will confront you in hell. What you don’t know is that you caused your ex to have a crisis about his/her sexuality. He/she blamed himself/herself more than you. Your ex went into therapy. Finally, he/she had a sex change operation. Your ex then joined a commune to “find him/herself.” In a freak accident, your ex smoked some loco weed that looked like marijuana. It was fatal. With his/her dying breath, he/she swore revenge on you.

2. Your best friend from high school/college? You remember your best friend? You two vowed to be best friends forever. That was until you stabbed your BF in the back. You stole your BF’s girl/guy. You did it without a thought of how you hurt him/her. What you don’t know is that your BF had trust issue after that. He/she never trusted anyone again. He/she became very bitter and mean. With no friends, your BF sat alone at home watching reruns of Gillian’s Island. It wasn’t cable or satellite, because your BF did not trust the installer to show up at all. In a freak accident, your ex was killed by a flock of pigeons while feeding them.

3. Your old boss. You do remember your old boss? The one that didn’t give you that bonus or promotion. He said you did not achieve the goals he set for you. He said you wasted time playing games on the computer and taking naps in the stockroom. It was all true. What you don’t know is that he didn’t get a bonus or promotion either. Your failure caused him to fail too. Eventually, the company fired him for poor performance. He couldn’t get another job because he couldn’t get a referral. The industry blackballed him. He became homeless and wandered around aimlessly – without goals. In a tragic accident, he was cooked to death due to a malfunction in the heating grate he was sleeping on. Investigators found your name scribbled on the side of his cardboard box with the words, “I’ll see you in hell.”

4. Your old schoolteacher. You must remember your old schoolteacher – the one that you caused to have a nervous breakdown? She was a 30-year veteran but had never met anyone as bad as you. She even told you to your face if you ever go to hell, she will find you and kill you--again. What you may not know is she gave up teaching and joined a street gang. For several years, she committed drive by shootings of students. When her eyesight failed, she retired to a rural area in Montana. A black bear killed her when she tried to spank it after it climbed into her apple tree. She thought it was you. The police found a picture of you with your eyes gouged out in her cabin.

5. Jack Hodges. You remember Jack Hodges? Probably not. Everyone remembers him as One-eyed Jack. Your mom always told you not to throw pencils, but when Jack asked to borrow a pencil, you threw it. Sure enough, he lost an eye. That was bad enough, but what you don’t know was worst. People bullied and teased One-eyed Jack the rest of his life. He finally had enough and chose a life of crime. One day the police caught up with him, and he died in a hail of bullets. The police said that with his dying breath, he said it was all your fault.
 
So, have fun in hell.

“How did you get here, Bog?”

“What?”

“I mean did you drive and park somewhere?”

“No. I took the bus.”

“You mean you took a bus with a gun to rob a bank?”

“Yeah.”

“Well. Obviously, you can go home on the bus now. Let’s talk about how you’re going to get out of here. Do you want a helicopter?”

“No. I’m afraid of flying.”

“So, what then? Limo? Motorcycle? What?”

Bog didn’t answer for several seconds. Finally, he said, “How about a bicycle?”

Shirley wasn’t sure she heard correctly. “So, you want to peddle your way out of here?”

“No, no. A motorized bike. You know, one of those electric bikes.”

“Don’t you think our patrol cars can catch you?” Shirley asked.

“I know a short cut,” Bog laughed.

“Okay, what about the hostages? Do you plan on taking them on your bike?”

“Okay, you got me there. Make it a bus and not a bike.”

“Okay, you got it,” Shirley agreed.

Ten minutes later, a city bus driven by a police officer pulled up on the sidewalk, stopping short of the main entrance to the bank. “Here’s your bus, Bog. Pizzas are on the way, Bog. We gave you what you requested. Now, why don’t you let some of the hostages go as a gesture of good faith?”

“I was going to but the hostages I picked wanted to stay for pizza.”

Dick motioned for Shirley to cover the microphone, so she did. “Is he kidding?” Dick asked.

“I can’t tell.”

Twenty minutes later Dick ran over to the command post where Shirley was working out of and told her the pizzas had arrived. “Give we ten minutes before you tell the suspect so I can plant the microphone,” Dick told Shirley.

Ten minutes later, Shirley called Bog. “Your pizzas are here. How do you want them delivered?”

“No cops. Just let the pizza guy deliver the pizza. If he has to make two trips that’s okay.”

“Okay. We’re going to let him park right in front.”

Dick informed the pizza delivery guy who then drove up to the bank and parked directly in front of the main entrance. He got out of his car and proceed to take out two large, insulated boxes of pizza and a large plastic bag with soda and garlic knots. He had told Dick he could make it in just one trip.
Fifteen minutes later, the pizza driver walked out and drove off in the car. Dick went inside the command post. “Shirley, I thought the pizza guy was a black dude.”

“He was. You talked to him. You should know.”

“I do know. Check out this video.” Dick handed Shirley his cellphone.

“Why are you showing me porn?” Shirley asked.

“Oh, sorry. Wrong video.” Dick took back his cellphone and scrolled to a new video. “Here. Take a look.”

Shirley took the cellphone and watched a short video of the pizza guy walking to his car carrying two large, insulated boxes and an empty, large plastic bag. He was wearing a face mask and a baseball cap pulled down which made it hard to see his face.

“I don’t know, Dick. I can’t tell.”

“Look at his shoes. The pizza guy wore red tennis shoe which matched his uniform. This guy is wearing white tennis shoes.”

“Shit,” Shirley yelled as she jumped up. “No, no, no.” Shirley ran out of the command post and sprinted straight for the bank.

Dick grabbed the handset and keyed the microphone. “Hold your fire. Hold fire,” he announced.
Shirley ran into the bank. All the hostages were sitting on the floor with their backs against the wall, eating pizza. “Where’s the bank robber?” she yelled. Everyone pointed toward the front door. “Then where’s the pizza guy?” she yelled. Everyone pointed behind the counter. Shirley walked over and looked behind the counter. There on the floor was a man in just his underwear, hog tied with zip ties. His mouth had duct tape on it.

Dick rushed inside the bank followed by a swat squad. He walked over to Shirley who was crying. She buried her face into Dick’s chest. “I thought I was doing a good job, but I actually helped him escape.”

“Don’t worry about it. We’ll catch him. At least no one got hurt. I wonder if there’s any pizza left?”

THE END
​
For e-books by me, visit http://smashwords.com/profile/view/monteranderson or Amazon.com. Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/monteranderson
Follow my blog at http://monteranderson-author.com or http://monteranderson.wordpress.com
​

There’s only one week left to purchase my e-books during the Smashwords July Summer Sale.
The 14th Annual Smashwords July Summer/Winter sale starts on July 1 and runs through July 31. Most of my e-books are on sale for 50% off. You will find them at https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/monteranderson. The books are:

Angels and Gargoyles  Free
Angels and Gargoyles is a novelette about a romance among heavenly hosts; a beauty and the beast love story. It tells how two of God's workers, for unexplainable reasons, fall in love, much to the chagrin of St. Peter. They are the two most unlikely pair for romance to begin with, but they manage to overcome all the obstacles and even St. Peter's objections so they can marry.

The Register Cliff Rapist 
Jason Franco is an aspiring novelist working for a newspaper in a small town where nothing exciting happens until someone rapes and murders a young woman only 18 years old. The boyfriend confesses to the crime. Jason is assigned to write a follow-up story for the paper and soon suspects that the local police are covering up for one of their own. Jason's life is soon on the line.

The Clone Murders
The Clone Murders takes place in 2031 when the ability to clone people has been perfected, but it is very expensive. Five of the first clones are declared national treasures. Senator Morgan suspects foul play when one clones turns up dead from exposure to anthrax. He asks Cas Novak and Robbi Kelly to investigate, and they uncover a plot for mass destruction.

Archimedes of Syracuse: Leonardo da Vinci's Mentor 
In 1499 Leonardo da Vinci is hired by Cesare Borgia as a military engineer. He begins to work on a steam canon that had originally been the idea of Archimedes 1800 years earlier. Leonardo tells Cesare the story of Archimedes and how he made many discoveries in mathematics and science.

Facility Maintenance Series: Types of Maintenance Programs
Types of Maintenance Strategies provides an overview of current maintenance programs to include reactive maintenance, corrective maintenance, preventive maintenance, predictive maintenance, condition-based maintenance, reliability centered maintenance, and total productive maintenance. The advantages and disadvantages are explained as well as the costs. A brief history is included in each chapter.
​
Leadership for New Managers: Book Two
For new leaders, the art of leadership is not ease. There is much to know and even more to do. The expectations are high. In this e-book, I try to share some of my experiences with new leaders to help them learn how to handle the challenge. This e-book is an overview of leadership traits and theories from which new leaders can determine the future areas of study. It includes a self-assessment.

Steve Bannon has been found guilty of contempt for defying a congressional subpoena from the January 6 Special Committee after a four-day trial. He refused to put up a defense.

I thought for sure Steve Bannon would invoke the Asoh Defense. Captain Kohei Asoh was the pilot-in-command of Japan Airlines Flight 2 on November 22, 1968. Due to the weather, he landed the plane in the shallow waters of San Francisco Bay, two and a half miles short of the runway.

When asked why he landed short of the runway and in the water, Captain Kohei Asoh answered, “As you Americans say, I f***ed up.” His reply has become known as the Asoh Defense. Captain Asoh accepted full responsibility for his mistake. Of course, I should have known that Bannon would never take responsibility for anything he did. I suppose he is expecting a full pardon from Trump if Trump gets re-elected.

Don’t you just love politics?
​
For e-books by me, visit http://smashwords.com/profile/view/monteranderson or Amazon.com. Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/monteranderson
Follow my blog at http://monteranderson-author.com or http://monteranderson.wordpress.com
​

Detectives Dick Andrews and Shirley Kelly heard the call on the radio for more detectives at the site of a bank hold up with hostages. Dick and Shirley were assigned to homicide, but the bank’s address was just a few blocks away. As they pulled up, Captain Tim Barnaby, their boss walked over to meet them.

“What’s sup?” Dick asked. “Is there a homicide here?”

Captain Tim Barnaby shook his head. “Not yet. A single suspect walked into the bank to rob it. Someone tripped the silent alarm. When patrol cars arrived, the suspect took everyone inside hostage. No one is hurt as near as we can tell. I was nearby and thought I would help. Stick around and let’s see if they need us.”

“Is the negotiation team here yet?” Shirley asked.

“Not yet.” The captain answered. “The incident commander has made contact with the suspect, but that’s about all.”

Just then, the incident commander called Captain Barnaby to come to him. The two talked briefly and Captain Barnaby quickly trotted back to where Dick and Shirley stood. “Bad news,” he said. “The negotiation team is tied up in traffic. Shirley, you’ve had some training in negotiations, why don’t you start the dialogue with the suspect?”

“Sure boss, if you think I can help.” Shirley answered. She walked over to the incident commander and took a cellphone from him.

“He’s on speaker phone, the commander told Shirley.

“Hello, my name is detective Shirley Kelly. To who am I speaking?”

The phone went silent for a few seconds. “To whom am I speaking?”

“I told you, detective Shirley Kelly. What’s you name?”

Again, the phone was silent for s few seconds. “What’s your name?”

“Look here you numb…”

Dick put his hand over Shirley’s mouth before she could finish her sentence. He shook his head. Shirley took a deep breath. In a softer voice she said, “I’m sorry. I thought I told you my name. What’s you name?”

This time the voice at the other end replied immediately. “Hello detective Shirley. My name is Bogusław Stanek. My friends call Bog. First you said, ‘To who am I speaking?’ The correct grammar would be ‘whom’ not ‘who’. The you said, ‘What’s you name?’ You should have said ‘your’ not you. If you can use correct grammar, then we can’t have a civilized discussion. Or do I have to start shooting these hostages?”

“No, no, Mr. Stanek. I meant no disrespect. I’ll try to use correct grammar. Please tell me your demands.” Shirley stress the word ‘your’.

“My demands?”

“Yes,” Shirley said. “What do you want?”

“Well, obviously, I wanted to rob this bank, but I think that ship has sailed. I doubt you’re going to just let me go. What else would my demands be. I’m new at this.”

Well, off the top of my head, it’s 95 degrees out here. How about some water?” Shirley suggested. Dick gave her a thumbs up and then ran over to the incident commander.

“He has requested some water. I need a transmitter that we can slip into the box and hear whatever’s going on inside.”

The commander spoke to another detective who dashed off and quickly returned with a small transmitter. He gave to Dick who ran over to tell Shirley. Shirley nodded to indicate that she understood. “Listen Mr. Stanek, it’s close to dinner time. You’re probably hungry and I’m sure the hostages are too. How about we order some pizza?”

“Please call me Bog. Yeah, I am a little hungry. Hold on.” Shirley heard Bog ask the hostages if they were hungry. Bog returned to the cellphone. “Yeah, everyone is hungry. Pizza sounds okay. There are thirteen people here counting me. But I’m lactose intolerant. I can’t have pizza. I just want a salad. Who’s paying for all this food?”

“Sir… Bog. Right now, you’re a guest of the policed department. You can have whatever you like. Our treat.”

“Thanks. I just don’t want to be billed later.”

Shirley wasn’t sure if Bog would be billed later or not. “What about toppings?”

“I don’t know. Just mix them up. No pineapple. That’s just criminal.”

“What sides?”

“Well, I guess we’ll need sodas, and garlic knots.
​
To be continued…

You check your voice mail and find a message from the Dr. Phil Show asking for a comment.

1. You turn on the news and see two of your exes being interviewed on a national talk show.
2. A person in a bomb or a HAZMAT suit is at your front door.
3. Several news vans are parked on your front lawn.
4. Your office is surrounded with crime scene tape.
5. Your date from last night texted you that she is in quarantine and for you to call her ASAP.
6. You find the door to the terrarium where you keep your collection of tarantulas open, and the tarantulas gone.
7. You find a bullet hole in your front window.
8. You find a roaring fire in your living room, but you don’t have a fireplace.
9. You look out the window and see a Coast Guard boat motoring down your street.
10. There’s a police helicopter hovering above your house.
11. You find a flying saucer in your back yard and two green aliens having a discussion with your dog.
12. Your dog comes in from the back yard carrying a human foot.
13. You watch a video on the news about a man robbing a bank wearing the coat you donated to Good Will yesterday.
14. Your pet cobra escaped, and you can’t find it.
15. You friend barrowed your car and returned it with blood in the trunk.
16. You hear your name mentioned on America’s Most Wanted,
17. Your pregnancy test is positive and you’re dating three guys.

 
Ignore these signs at your peril.

I’m sure you’ve heard that certain parts of California are trying to split off from the rest of the state. It’s unclear if this movement was inspired by events in Catalonia Spain or self-motivated. California has long been known as the Land of Fruits and Nuts and now the Fruits what to disassociate themselves from the Nuts. If successful, the new state would be named New California or the State of Confusion. What is clear is that California isn’t the only state that wants to split.
 
A similar movement has a long history in New York State. If you ask people from New York State where they are from, New Yorkers who don’t live in New York City will reply, “Upstate New York”. They don’t want to be associated with city folk. The city folk will reply simply, “New York”. Long Islanders will always answer, “Long Island” or as they would say in their native tongue, “lawn-GUY-land!”
 
Staten Island has long desired to be separated from New York City. It is one of the five boroughs of New York City even though it is separated from the city by New York Bay. It’s also separated from New Jersey by the Arthur Kill and the Kill Van Kull (whatever a Kill and a Kull are. Might be Klingon?). Residents there feel that they have been neglected by the city government in budget and other matters. It is sometimes called the "the forgotten borough" by inhabitants. During the 1980s, there was a movement led by a Senator to secede from NYC. In a 1993 referendum, 65% voted in favor of it, but the move was blocked in the State Assembly.
 
Since New York State is already divided, it makes sense to split it into three parts; New York City, Long Island and Upstate New York (or Greater New York, or simply Not New York City). Staten Island would have the option of joining NYC, Upstate New York or New Jersey.
 
Michigan is another divided state. There’s the Lower Peninsula and the Upper Peninsula. They’re separated by Lake Michigan on one side of the Straits of Mackinac and Lake Huron on the other side of the straits. The Upper Peninsula borders Wisconsin. The Upper folks don’t associate with the Lower folks. In fact, they probably have more in common with Canada. This is a state that is already split. It could split to form the States of Upper Michigan and Lower Michigan, or like the Dakotas, North Michigan and South Michigan.
 
Other states exist divided. The Rocky Mountain Range divides the States of Colorado, Wyoming and Montana. Wyoming and Colorado are divided neatly in half while the Rockies claim one third of Montana. The eastern sides are part of the Great Plain which is the prairie, steppe, and grassland that lies west of the Mississippi River and east of the Rocky Mountains. The plain folks don’t want to associate with mountain folks. Since these three states exist divided already, it makes better sense to split them into two or three new states. The portions that include the Rockies would become the Rocky Mountain State (or Rocky Mountain High). The eastern sides would become the Great Plains State.
 
In terms of population, Wyoming has the least at 600,000 people (not including livestock). Montana has 1 million people, while Colorado has 5.7 million. An argument could be made to combine eastern Wyoming and Montana, letting eastern Colorado remain separate as the Stare of Colorado.
 
All these splits would really mess up the flag. We could have as many as 63 stars. What the hell, let’s throw in Puerto Rico and Guam for an even 65.

Government Offices You Never Knew Existed
The government is a monstrous organization with many parts and functions. Many operate in anonymity and incomprehensibility. Most people are unaware of many of the smaller offices and departments. AS a public service, I now provide a list of some of the smaller offices and departments:
 
The Federal Administration of Red Tape (FART). This is a large department that creates government jobs by requiring an endless set of requirements for paperwork. Without this department, government departments would have to streamline procedures. It is estimated that three billion trees would be saved without this office.

Officialdom of Mumbo-Jumbo in Government (OMG). This is another large department that creates official jargon to be used in government documents. This is the office that created the word “problematic’ to be used in place of “problem” and “methodology” instead of “method”. Without this department, all other departments would be forced to speak in plain language. Many officials would be unable to speak at all.

The Office of Flying Unknowns (TOFU). This office handles all UFO reports and has responsibility for Area 51 at Edwards Air Force Base. Without this office, the government wouldn’t receive any reports of UFOs or aliens.

The Department of Onerous Fabrication in the US (DOOFUS). This department has the responsibility for the development of fake news and “alternative facts” and sending it to the POTUS. Without this department, no fake news would be created by the government or the POTUS. Only news networks would be able to create fake news.

The Warehouse for Tremendous Facts (WTF). This little know entity houses all the data that is gathered by the #CIA and #NSA. It’s affectionately referred to as the “Home of the SS” (Super Snoopers). Without this warehouse, the government couldn’t gather and keep recordings of telephone calls, emails, or other electronic transmissions.

The Bureau of Gerrymandering in the US (BOGUS). This secretive office is responsible for redrawing all political voting boundaries to favor the party in power. Without it, every state would be forced to have honest and open elections.

The Central Office of Censorship (COC). This office determines what words can be used by government agencies such as the CDC. Without this office, the government is self-censored (not self-centered).

The Regional Offices of Balanced Budgets, Efficiency and Restraint (ROBBER). Each region of the US has one of these offices. They come under control of the Congressional Budget Office. In reality, these offices haven’t been staffed or funded for years.

The Bureau for Ludicrous Taxation (BLT). This department has the job of rewriting and revising all the tax codes to make them ambiguous, distorted, and impossible to understand. Without it, EZ1040s would be easy to read and be understood by average taxpayers.

The Office for Sexual Harassment (OSH). This office is understaffed and overwhelmed. It usually has just one employee. If left understaffed, congressmen and senators will continue sexual harassment unabated.

The Congressional Office for Ethical Development (COED). This is another office that hasn’t been staffed for years. This office has little or no effect on ethics.

The Executive Management for POTUS Twitter & Yahoo (EMPTY). This is a newly created office and is grossly understaffed. Without it, the President can pretty much say whatever he (she) wants on Twitter and other social media.

Bureaucratic Fact Finder (BFF). This is a newly created office that is also grossly understaffed and overwhelmed. Its jurisdiction never extended to the Office of the President. Apparently, no one cares what the facts are.

The Agency for Three Letter Acronyms and Sham Technology (ATLAST). This office awards three letter acronyms for various programs. Without it, there would be a proliferation of four or even five letter acronyms.

I hope this short list clears up what some of the smaller government offices do.

For e-books by me, visit http://smashwords.com/profile/view/monteranderson.
Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/monteranderson
Follow my blog at http://monteranderson-author.com or http://monteranderson.wordpress.com

I know I’ve post this before, but I love it. Here is a short story on how to become a bestselling author.

How to be a Bestselling Dead Author

Joe Regan was a writer. His suicide note was not his best piece of work. It simply read, “Fair well cruel world.” Joe took all the sleeping pills and sat down in his recliner. When he opened his eyes again, he was looking into the face of his agent, Bernie Blackwell.    

Bernie smiled and brushed back Joe’s hair. “Hey.”    

“Hey. Oh, my head hurts.” Joe looked around. “Where am I?”  

“You are in St. Thomas Hospital. I found you and called 911. The doctors pumped your stomach. You’ve been in a coma for five days, man.”    

“Oh. I don’t know if I should thank you or not. I just wanted to die.”    

“I know, man. I found your note. Why did you do it?”    

Joe smiled. “You’re my agent. I think you know why. My novel has been rejected by 45 publishers and I haven’t earned a dime in three years.”    

Bernie chuckled. “It’s 47 publishers now. I didn’t get a chance to tell you about the last two. However, while you were in a coma, I’ve been busy. I posted your suicide note on a few key social media websites and wrote what a tragedy it was since your novel’s so great.”    

“My suicide note? I didn’t say much in my note.”   
 
Bernie smiled. “Yeah, well, I sort of rewrote it. I also went ahead and published the e-book version of your novel. It’s going viral. We sold over 10,000 copies in four days. We now have offers from three publishers. I think if you had died, your novel would make the best sellers’ list.”   

“Lucky me! I have to nearly kill myself for my novel to sell.”    

“Joe, what do you expect? You wrote a romance novel about gay pygmies living in San Francisco-not a great genre. Anyway, since you really don’t want to live, would you consider killing yourself? It would mean a lot to me. I could help.”   
 
“What! My novel is finally published, and you want me to kill myself? Are you crazy?” 
   
Bernie shrugged his shoulders. “No big deal. Come on, get up. I brought a wheelchair. I’m taking you out of here.” He handed Joe a glass of water and some pills. “Here, take these.”  Joe took the pills with the water. With Bernie’s help, he got into the wheelchair. Bernie wheeled Joe out of ICU and headed for the elevators. Bernie pushed the up-call button for the elevator.  
  
“Where are you taking me?”    

“Don’t worry about it. I am taking you to the tenth floor. The second elevator is out of service. I should be able to open the doors there.”   
 
“Bernie, I don’t feel so good. What were those pills?”    

” Sleeping pills.”

“I took four. Am I supposed to take that many?”   
 
“No, man. You’re supposed to take only one every 12 hours.”  
  
“Won’t that kill me?”    

“No. It’ll make you comatose. In your condition, you won’t notice that the elevator’s not there. The fall from the tenth floor will kill you.” 
   
“But Bernie, I don’t want to die any more. I want to live.”   
 
“Listen, man. I’m telling you. If you die, we’ll make the best sellers’ list. We’ll be able to negotiate a big contract. We’ll attract more talented writers.”    

“We? I’ll be dead.”    

The elevator arrived, and Bernie pushed the wheelchair inside and pushed the tenth-floor button. 
   
“Well, yeah,” said Bernie. “Quit thinking about yourself for once. Did you even consider me? This is my big break. When I post your next suicide note, I’ll sell a million copies of your novel. Plus, I am sure I can get a six-figure advance for your next novel.”    

“My next novel? I never wrote a second novel.”

“It will be found among your things after your death.”   
 
“Bernie don’t do this. I don’t want to die.”

“Quit being selfish! Close your eyes now and rest. It’ll all be over in a few minutes. You're going to be a bestselling author. Congratulations.”

The End

A few years ago, I read with interest an article on my newsfeed, “12 Unmistakable Signs You No Longer Find Him Attractive” from Astrofame (Lifestyle).
 
The article listed things like sex, attraction, no date night, small things bother you more, you look at other peoples, you don’t think about them, you’re no longer jealous and you’re overly critical. As usual with itemized lists, several reasons were omitted (editorial license?). As a public service, I will now provide more subtle signs you are no longer attracted to your significant other:

1. You don’t cook meth for them anymore. This is a deal breaker folks.
2. You don’t provide an alibi when questioned by the police. Another deal breaker.
3. You can’t remember their safe word.
4. You want to run off with their best friend.
5. You unfriend them on Face Book and other social media.
6. You open a separate bank account and won’t share the information.
7. You don’t remember their last name.
8. You don’t pimp for them anymore.
9. You don’t wear their underwear anymore.
10. You have a restraining order against them.

 
There may be more reasons you aren't attracted to your SO anymore, but this will get you started.