Monte R Anderson - Author
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We Need a Stupidity Law

9/29/2017

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I sympathize with stupid people. Stupidity runs in my family. Some of my best friends are stupid. I try to help stupid people, but it’s not easy. Here are some “stupid” quotes:
“Life is tough, but it is even tougher if you’re stupid.” -- John Wayne
“Even duct tape can’t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.” -- Author Unknown
“Stupid is as stupid does.” – Forrest Gump
“It’s hard to win an argument with a smart person, but it’s damn near impossible to win an argument with a stupid person.” – Bill Murray
“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.” – Mark Twain
 
I have long favored a Stupidity Law. Whenever someone does something stupid not covered under another law, authorities could use the Stupidity Law to prosecute. It may be too late to stop Donald Trump, Justin Bieber or Kanye West, but it might be a deterrent in the future. We can only hope. Here are some incidents, which might fall under the Stupidity Law:    
 
South Yorkshire Police (England) posted that someone crashed their new Ferrari 430 in a single vehicle collision within one hour of purchasing it. According to the post, the driver "Lost control, went airborne & burst into flames." The car was a Scuderia, one of just 499 in the world, worth $288,000.
 
In Memphis, a rapist left his dentures behind at the crime scene with his name written inside. Unfortunately, it was placed in a rape kit and forgotten for more than a decade until last summer. They reopened the kit and ended up arresting the assailant for rape. Violation of the stupidity Law should be added to the charges.
 
An unidentified person set up a gun display in a Walmart store telling customers to "Own the school year like a hero." Walmart said it was a prank.
 
An Army general sent sexist texts to the wife of another soldier. He was suspended. Have we learned nothing since Anthony Weiner?
 
U.S. Health and Human Services Secretary Tom Price used costly private charter planes for government business. He later resigned under pressure.
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More Things to Remove from Your Resume Now.

9/25/2017

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I read with interest “Ten Things to Add to Your Resume -- And Ten to Remove Immediately” by Liz Ryan, a contributor to Forbes (9/11/2017). She mentioned “Corporate Zombie Speak”, a term I never saw before but understood immediately. (I checked it out and it’s a real thing.) She mentioned adding things like a powerful summary, full sentences, an explanation for every job change, framing statement for every employer, and framing statement for every role, dragon-slaying stories and your human voice (is there another kind?). All good advice. She said to remove things like your street address, inappropriate email addresses, tasks and duties, praising adjectives, endless bullets, old irrelevant jobs and formatting. Also good advice. She explains her rationale. Most of these reflect the changing times. Of course, she left out a few things.
 
As a public service, I will list some things to take out of your resume:
 
1.      Remove your fraternity or sorority. There are basically two types of fraternities; those who have done something publicly offensive and those who haven't...yet. It would be best not to admit to being a member until after you're hired. Even after you get the job, you may not want to confess.
2.      When listing skills, remember sexting isn’t a skill unless you are applying for a position in the porn industry. Also, while making pipe bombs is certainly a skill, you may want to keep that secret. Drinking beer while standing on your head isn’t a skill you should list. That also goes for stalking, coloring, field stripping an AK47, shooting an RPG, breaking and entering, cooking meth and picking locks.  
3.       Remove references who are still in prison or pending trial. It’s best to wait until they’re out on bail. Don’t list your parole officer as a reference. Same goes for your Drugs Anonymous sponsor.
4.      Remove your Face Book page unless you have sanitized it.
5.      Remove any family as references unless you still have copies of photographs you can use for blackmail.
6.       It may be too soon to list Trump University under Education. Remove that.
7.       Don’t try to convince anyone that the 4 – 7-year gap in your work summary was a vacation.
8.      Don’t misspell the name of the university you claim to have attended.
9.      Don’t try to be clever in your email address, i.e. buttkicker@whatever.com.
10.  You probably should remove the jobs you had in prison.
 
Hopefully, these pointers will help you clean up your resume and get a job.
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The Ten Not So Subtle Signs You’re a Bad Neighbor

9/22/2017

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Here are some of the clues that you aren’t a good neighbor:
  1.       A fire truck shows up whenever you start to barbeque.
  2.       The FBI sets up a stake out in the house across the street.
  3.       The pizza delivery person won’t come to your house.
  4.       The neighbors call their kids inside every time you go outside.
  5.       All your neighbors are selling their homes.
  6.       Your neighbors are building high fences and topping them with barbed wire and glass.
  7.       There’s a news van parked in front of your house.
  8.       People out walking cross the street rather than walk in front of your house.
  9.       When you leave the house, a drone follows you.
  10.   The garbage company won’t pick up your trash.
These are only a few of the signs that you may be a bad neighbor. Perhaps you know from experience a few others.

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Ugly Americans Are Still Number One

9/18/2017

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The term, “Ugly American”, entered popular culture as the title of book in 1958 and later a movie starring Marlon Brando. The term refers to a badly behaved, rude or obnoxious American traveling abroad. In the USA, we just call them “Ugly.” A 2015 global survey by travel deal site Travelzoo revealed that Americans are among the worst-behaved in the world. It’s nice to know we are number one in the world for something. I have done extensive travel around the global in my military career and on business. I have made these blunders and a few others not listed. Travelzoo recommends four behaviors to avoid:
  • Asking “Do you speak English?” — or worse yet, ‘American’. Okay, guilty on this account. Let’s face it; we know that in England, they don’t speak American. Do the best you can. The biggest goof is to ask someone if they speak English when their official language is English. That can happen easily. English is very global and is the language of business. I once sponsored an officer from Malawi and I asked if he understood English. Of course, I said it slowly and almost in pidgin English. I was really embarrassed to discover it was Malawi’s official language. He spokes the “King’s English” which is nearly a foreign language to Americans. Here’s a few of the countries that speak English you may not be aware of: Kenya, Swaziland, Lesotho, Tanzania, Belize, Liberia, Botswana, Malta, Namibia, Dominica, Zambia, Zimbabwe, and Gambia. On top of that, may countries, especially in Europe, teach English in school as a required course. In the USA, we’re lucky if we can master American in one dialect. I visited Aruba where high school students learn at least five languages by the time they graduate. In Germany, any time you need a translation, ask a kid. Their teachers encourage talking to” Ugly American” to practice English.
  • Complaining about food portions. We don’t want to be known as the “Fat Americans.” Along with that, don’t order hamburgers or hot dogs. Don’t assume that hamburgers came from Hamburg or hot dogs from Frankfurt. Also keep in mind, most of the world eats with chop sticks. You should master this skill.
  • Poor attire. When in Rome… 
  • Demanding to know prices in “real money” or American dollars. I witnessed an interesting incident in Korea. I was in a shop that sold hats. All the prices were in dollars and clearly marked on each hat. An American soldier who did not speak any Korean approached the shop owner with a hat marked $10. He said, in English, “I want to buy this hat but I don’t want to pay more than $7.” The owner said “Ne.” Korean for “yes.” Of course, “ne” sounds like “negative”. The soldier then said, “Okay, $8.” Again, the owner said, “Ne.” The soldier then replied, “Nine dollars and that’s my final offer.” The owner said, “Ne, ne, ne.” and pushed the hat into the soldier’s hands. The soldier paid $9 for a hat he could’ve purchased for $7 because of his limited knowledge of the native language. It was all I could do to keep from laughing.
As promised, here are a few other gaffs to avoid:
·         Speaking louder to make yourself understood. It’s just plain stupid.
·         Using a lot of hand gestures to make your point. You will probably end up using a gang symbol or making an obscene gesture unknown to you. The Michael Jackson gesture for “OK” which meant “Ass Hole” in a native language comes to mind.
·         Not knowing the correct way to greet strangers. Let’s face it, most of the world bows. Shaking hands is a more Western gesture. When meeting a King or Queen or the Pope, you may have to genuflect. However, most countries do shake hands. Even so, you could still screw it up. For example, the Koreans shake hands differently. They extend their right hand and brace the elbow with the back of their left hand. They are also big on exchanging business cards right away. In many countries, strange men don’t shake hands with women.

I guess the only way to avoid a gaffe is to do your homework.
 
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My First Love – a Short Story

9/16/2017

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'​The following is an article I wrote for a local contest. It didn’t win but I thought I would share it anyway.
 
My First Love

My first memory of my local library was of its immensity; books neatly arranged endlessly upward, the shadows between the shelves, the rows and rows of bookcases, the whispers of paper wrapped around whispering voices, and... the women. At the end of each school day, my female classmates flowed in different directions. Some went to play sports or to cheer on the school teams while others went to the mall, but the stream of women that most interested me ended up at the library. It’s no wonder this is where I met my first love.

     I was winding through the library's maze looking at the women when I heard a voice that called to me like a siren. It beguiled me, and so enticed, I sought out the source. When I found it in the history section, I was astounded. There stood a woman of such beauty she seemed to sparkle. She wore robes woven of gold and silver threads and dripping with jewels. Her skin was the darkest tan, unlike any I had ever seen. I couldn’t look away from her almond brown eyes, so large that a man could get lost in them.

     "Do you know who I am?" she whispered. I shook my head. “I am Cleopatra, Queen of Egypt.” She raised her chin when she said Egypt, as if she expected me to know her. “Great men have loved me in the past -- men like Julius Caesar and Mark Anthony.”

     I spoke not a word, but as the great men in her time did, I took her in my arms. My hands trembled as I held her. Her perfume was exotic and yet so familiar – hard to describe – like an old friend. Her skin was soft. The seduction was complete; I fell instantly in love. As I drank in her beauty and her scent, her shape changed, and I found myself holding a book, The Early History of Rome by Livy.

     As I escorted her to the front desk, I heard another voice, cold and scared, say, "You will never love another like you love her, your first love."

     The hair on my neck stood up. I stopped and turned to see another woman standing before me. She wasn’t beautiful, like Cleopatra, but haggard. She wore a long dress that dragged on the floor with sleeves that hung down below her fingers. Long hair hung around her neck like a serpent. A tall, black hat hid her face from me. "How...how do you know?"

     She lifted one hand and pointed a gnarly finger at my chest. "Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more.” She lifted her large, red eyes and stared into mine. A force beyond description pulled me toward her. Resistance was futile; I fell into her arms. My body shook as she held me. Her skin was cold and clammy with an odor of rotting fish. I was helpless, trapped. Her shape transformed, and I found myself holding the play, Macbeth. Again, the seduction was complete; I fell in love with Shakespeare.

     At first, I was overjoyed. Then I realized I found these books by chance, or rather, they called out to me. How would I ever find more? What was I to do? Was it possible to have two loves? With a lady under each arm, I made my way to the front desk. The librarian informed me the library online website had a listing of all the books in the library. It was like Match.com for bibliophiles. She said that I could look at several books quickly, similar to speed dating. When I selected a book, I could reserve it, and it would meet me at the library when I was ready.

I could not believe my ears. Why hadn’t I discovered this sooner? Where has this system been all my life? It was a match made in heaven. I think that if I already didn’t have two love affairs going on, I would have asked the librarian to marry me on the spot.

     That's how I met my first love and my second love at the library.
 
THE END
​
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$$$$

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Fifteen Practical Questions You Should Ask Your First Date

9/11/2017

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I read with interest (last year) an item (Wichit News) on my news feed about the seven questions you should ask your date on the first date. The questions concerned things like hobbies, careers, passions, goals and relationships. I was surprised because not only did I never ask these questions on the first date, I would never have thought of them. They seem impractical. As a public service, I now present the more practical questions you should ask on a first date:
1.      Are you over 18? This should be your first question. Trust me. It’ll save you a lot of problems later on. Don’t trust the answer – ask for two forms of ID.
2.      Were you followed? This question is not a “yes” or “no” question. A yes or no answer is the wrong answer. The correct answer would be along the lines of, “Huh? What?”
3.      Are you a registered sex offender? You probably should check this out prior to your date. The answers can be tricky. If the answer is “yes”, that’s a deal breaker. If the answer is “no”, then follow up with “Are you an unregistered sex offender? To could save time by simply asking. “Are you a sex offender?”
4.      Were you ever on America’s Most Wanted or The Hunt with John Walsh? Here’s another question you should check into prior to your date. If the answer is “yes”, proceed with caution – might have been the victim.
5.      Does your significant other or mom know you’re here? This is a trick question.  ‘Of course not.” is not an acceptable answer. If the significant other or mom tags along, you have your answer.
6.      Are you an extraterrestrial, or illegal alien? Whether this is a deal breaker or not is up to you.
7.      What’s your safe word? This question used to be saved until the third date, but times change. Better to know ahead of time.
8.      Are you terminally ill? If the answer is yes, then follow up with, “How much time do you have?” This will determine how many dates you can have.
9.      What’s my name? If your date can’t remember your name that will tell how the date will go or whether your date has dementia.
10.  Is your divorce finalized? This is another question where a simple “no” answer may not be sufficient. If the answer is “no”, the next question should be, “When will it be final?”
11.  What did the voices in your head say about me? The answer to this question will be revealing.
12.  Did you dress yourself? This simple question is deep on many levels. It says something about your date’s mental health, significant others, health and color coordination. Having the belt and shoes match is not enough.
13.  Are you packing? You always need to know about concealed weapons. You may want to carry a weapon or mace yourself.
14.  Anything else I should know about you? Medical? Mental? Emotional?
15.  Are any of your exes in law enforcement, criminals or mental patients? Can’t be too careful.
I hope this helps those of you on a first date.
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Too Many Flashbacks – a Short Story

9/7/2017

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I’ve noticed lately on TV that screenwriters are using a lot of flashbacks. Flashbacks are good. They can be used to move the plot forward, to explain the motives of a character or to fill in gaps in the back story. However, when the flashbacks have flashbacks, it gets confusing. Here is an example of a short story with too many flashbacks. Enjoy.

Tom spoke into his headset to Mike who was behind a wall of sand bags. “Speak to me Mike. I’m recording. What are we looking it at?”

Mike cleared his throat. “It’s just what we thought. This bomb has the signature of our bomber all over it.”

“How so?” Tom asked.

“Well, it has the standard timer with a feedback loop. If we cut off the timer; the bomb will detonate. It was armed when it was set down and any attempt to move will also detonate it. The C4 and blasting cap are rigged so any attempt to remove them also detonates it.”

“Shit!” Tom whispered. “How much time do you have?”

Mike looked at the timer. “Twenty-four seconds.”

“Okay, you know how to handle this,” Tom said, trying to stay positive. “You’ve done the last two. Plenty of time.”

“Yeah, I know. I’m on it. I just have to cut this blue, black and green wires simultaneously. Piece of cake.” Mike looked at the green wire. It reminded him of his wife, Mary. The wire was the same shade of green as the shoes she wore when he fell in love with her. His mind flew back to the scene at her house so many years ago.

It was the night of the senior prom. They had dated all through high school, but it was during the senior prom that he knew – knew for sure she was the one. As she descended the stairs, the first thing he saw were those green patent leather shoes. Then came that green dress and finally Mary’s beautiful face. Her hair had a matching green ribbon. Mike knew then that Mary was the one he wanted to marry, to bare his children and to grow old together. He was smitten. They married right after college.

Mary thought about those green shoes too. She loved those shoes and wore them even after they were married. She wore them for two baptisms and two confirmations. The dress didn’t fit well after the first kid was born and not at all after the second, but the shoes still fit. Mary wondered whatever happened to those shoes. Then she recalled putting them in a shoe box, stuffing newspaper around them and placing them in an old trunk in the attic. She decided to look for them later.

Bang! Mary was startled by the Honor Guard firing their rifles in salute of their fallen comrade. Mary’s mind snapped back to the present. A bugler started to play taps. A second bugler, hidden behind a small knoll played the echo. Mary started to cry when she saw Tom walking toward her with a tri-folded flag.

As Tom approached Mary with Mike’s flag he thought she still looked as beautiful as the day he first met her so many years ago. His mind wandered back to freshman year of high school. Tom and Mike had been best friends since grade school. They did everything together; sports, homework and even cheated. Finally, their math teacher caught them and tried to keep them separated by seating a girl between them. That girl was Mary. That didn’t work as Mary became part of their team. Teachers called them the three Musketeers. When Mike married Mary, Tom was the best man. They have been best friends forever. Now Mike was gone. Tears streamed down Tom’s face as he presented Mike’s flag to Mary.

Later, at the reception, Mary managed to corner Tom alone. “Tom, did you figure out what went wrong?”

Tom hung his head to avoid her eyes. “The investigation is still going on.”

Mary stuck her face inches in front of Tom’s and used her hand to raise his chin. “Tom, it’s me, Mary. Don’t give me that bullshit. He was my husband and your best friend. We’ve been friends since high school. Now tell me what you know.”

“Okay, okay. It’s not conclusive. We found what was left of the bomb. Mike knew what he was supposed to do. He was supposed to cut three wires simultaneously. But those wires weren’t cut -- none of them. He was talking to me and then he just went silent. I don’t know why. He never cut those wires.”

Mary stepped back and let Tom’s words sink in. “What happened? Why didn’t he cut those wires?” 

Tom shook his head. “I don’t know.”
 
“Well you must have a working theory. What do you think, Tom? Tell me the truth.”
 
Tom thought for a moment. “To tell you the truth, Mary. I think he had a flashback that lasted too long.”
 
THE END
 
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Red Flags That Scream 'Don't Hire This Person'

9/4/2017

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I read with interest an article by Liz Ryan written for Forbes titled “Five Red Flags That Scream 'Don't Hire This Person'” as usual several other red flags were omitted. As a public service for hiring managers, I list the additional red flags that say, “Don’t hire this person.”
​1.      The candidate looks at his iPhone the entire interview.
2.      There’s blood on the candidate’s white shirt.
3.      The candidate asks how soon can he/she use the sick days.
4.      Something in the candidate’s coat pocket is moving around.
5.      The candidate refers every question to an invisible little person sitting on the his/her shoulder.
6.      The candidate is naked.
7.      The candidate says she/he has a constitutional right to carry a concealed gun to work.
8.      The candidate is wearing dark sunglasses and a fake mustache.
9.      The candidate has a facial tattoo that looks like an elephant’s rear end with the trunk going down the candidate’s nose.
10.  The candidate’s nose ring gets attached to the magnet in your paperclip holder.
11.  The candidate’s references are all in prison.
12.  The candidate is wearing a suicide bomber vest.
13.  The candidate asks to take a selfie with you.
14.  One of the candidate’s jobs was in the laundry at the state penitentiary for 20 years.
15.  The candidate’s name and the name of a school attended are misspelled on the resume.
16.  The candidate’s resume is signed in blood.
17.  The candidate lights up a cigar and puts her/his feet up on your desk.
18.  The candidate carves initials into your desk.
19.  The candidate says she/he is glad to finally meet you in person after stalking you for years.
20.  The candidate takes a drink from a flask during the interview.

I hope this helps in making the right choice for hire.
​

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September 01st, 2017

9/1/2017

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I read with interest, “Never, Ever Take a Bath in a Hotel Tub—and 5 Other Vacation Don’ts” by Susannah Bradley in Reader’s Digest. She mentioned:
·         Don't walk barefoot through airport security.
·         Don’t take baths in the hotel hot tub.
·         Think before you eat.
·         Keep the air vent above your plane seat open.
·         An ounce of prevention.
·         Know your risk.
I think she missed a few. As a public service, I’ll list them here:
1.      Don’t call the hotel front desk to ask for drugs or prostitutes.
2.      Don’t shoot off the hotel balcony.
3.      Don’t say the “B” word while going through security.
4.      Don’t say “Hi” to your friend Jack on the plane.
5.      Don’t barbeque in your hotel room or while on a plane.
6.      Don’t try to share your meth with the pilot or taxis drivers.
7.      Don’t try to bribe the TSA workers.
8.      Don’t make fun of the voodoo witch doctor.
9.      Don’t ask for a longer bungee cord when bungee jumping.
10.  When in a foreign country or in Chicago, don’t flash a wad of cash.
11.  Don’t remove coins from a fountain in Italy.
12.  Don’t pull out a toy gun at the Wailing Wall in Israel.
13.  Don’t try to climb the Eiffel Tower.
14.  Don’t try to straight up the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
15.  Don’t ask the Pope, “How’re they hanging?”
16.  Don’t ask the Queen of England if she shops at Walmart.
17.  Don’t ask the Pope if he stole his robe from the hotel.
18.  Don’t take your service dog sky diving.
19.  Don’t try to order a hot dog in Frankfurt or a burger in Hamburg.
20.  Don’t order a Danish in Denmark.
I’m sure there are others, but this list will start you on your vacation.
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    Author

    Monte is the author of several  e-books on Amazon and smashwords.com


    Buy Monte's e-books:
    The Throuple Private Eye--Business is Booming.
    ​​The Throuple Private Eye--Hate Crimes
    ​
    A Head for Murder
    The Register cliff Rapist
    The Clone Murders,
    Archimedes of Syracuse: Leonardo da Vinci's Mentor,
    Leadership for New Managers: Book Two

    FREE E-BOOKS:
    Angels and Gargoyles

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