I sympathize with stupid people. Stupidity runs in my family. Some of my best friends are stupid. I try to help stupid people, but it’s not easy. Here are some “stupid” quotes:
“Life is tough, but it is even tougher if you’re stupid.” -- John Wayne
“Even duct tape can’t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.” -- Author Unknown
“Stupid is as stupid does.” – Forrest Gump
“It’s hard to win an argument with a smart person, but it’s damn near impossible to win an argument with a stupid person.” – Bill Murray
“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.” – Mark Twain
 
I have long favored a Stupidity Law. Whenever someone does something stupid not covered under another law, authorities could use the Stupidity Law to prosecute. It may be too late to stop Donald Trump, Justin Bieber or Kanye West, but it might be a deterrent in the future. We can only hope. Here are some incidents, which might fall under the Stupidity Law:    
 
South Yorkshire Police (England) posted that someone crashed their new Ferrari 430 in a single vehicle collision within one hour of purchasing it. According to the post, the driver "Lost control, went airborne & burst into flames." The car was a Scuderia, one of just 499 in the world, worth $288,000.
 
In Memphis, a rapist left his dentures behind at the crime scene with his name written inside. Unfortunately, it was placed in a rape kit and forgotten for more than a decade until last summer. They reopened the kit and ended up arresting the assailant for rape. Violation of the stupidity Law should be added to the charges.
 
An unidentified person set up a gun display in a Walmart store telling customers to "Own the school year like a hero." Walmart said it was a prank.
 
An Army general sent sexist texts to the wife of another soldier. He was suspended. Have we learned nothing since Anthony Weiner?
 
U.S. Health and Human Services Secretary Tom Price used costly private charter planes for government business. He later resigned under pressure.
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I read with interest “Ten Things to Add to Your Resume -- And Ten to Remove Immediately” by Liz Ryan, a contributor to Forbes (9/11/2017). She mentioned “Corporate Zombie Speak”, a term I never saw before but understood immediately. (I checked it out and it’s a real thing.) She mentioned adding things like a powerful summary, full sentences, an explanation for every job change, framing statement for every employer, and framing statement for every role, dragon-slaying stories and your human voice (is there another kind?). All good advice. She said to remove things like your street address, inappropriate email addresses, tasks and duties, praising adjectives, endless bullets, old irrelevant jobs and formatting. Also good advice. She explains her rationale. Most of these reflect the changing times. Of course, she left out a few things.
 
As a public service, I will list some things to take out of your resume:
 
1.      Remove your fraternity or sorority. There are basically two types of fraternities; those who have done something publicly offensive and those who haven't...yet. It would be best not to admit to being a member until after you're hired. Even after you get the job, you may not want to confess.
2.      When listing skills, remember sexting isn’t a skill unless you are applying for a position in the porn industry. Also, while making pipe bombs is certainly a skill, you may want to keep that secret. Drinking beer while standing on your head isn’t a skill you should list. That also goes for stalking, coloring, field stripping an AK47, shooting an RPG, breaking and entering, cooking meth and picking locks.  
3.       Remove references who are still in prison or pending trial. It’s best to wait until they’re out on bail. Don’t list your parole officer as a reference. Same goes for your Drugs Anonymous sponsor.
4.      Remove your Face Book page unless you have sanitized it.
5.      Remove any family as references unless you still have copies of photographs you can use for blackmail.
6.       It may be too soon to list Trump University under Education. Remove that.
7.       Don’t try to convince anyone that the 4 – 7-year gap in your work summary was a vacation.
8.      Don’t misspell the name of the university you claim to have attended.
9.      Don’t try to be clever in your email address, i.e. buttkicker@whatever.com.
10.  You probably should remove the jobs you had in prison.
 
Hopefully, these pointers will help you clean up your resume and get a job.
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Here are some of the clues that you aren’t a good neighbor:

1.       A fire truck shows up whenever you start to barbeque.
2.       The FBI sets up a stake out in the house across the street.
3.       The pizza delivery person won’t come to your house.
4.       The neighbors call their kids inside every time you go outside.
5.       All your neighbors are selling their homes.
6.       Your neighbors are building high fences and topping them with barbed wire and glass.
7.       There’s a news van parked in front of your house.
8.       People out walking cross the street rather than walk in front of your house.
9.       When you leave the house, a drone follows you.
10.   The garbage company won’t pick up your trash.

These are only a few of the signs that you may be a bad neighbor. Perhaps you know from experience a few others.

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The term, “Ugly American”, entered popular culture as the title of book in 1958 and later a movie starring Marlon Brando. The term refers to a badly behaved, rude or obnoxious American traveling abroad. In the USA, we just call them “Ugly.” A 2015 global survey by travel deal site Travelzoo revealed that Americans are among the worst-behaved in the world. It’s nice to know we are number one in the world for something. I have done extensive travel around the global in my military career and on business. I have made these blunders and a few others not listed. Travelzoo recommends four behaviors to avoid:

• Asking “Do you speak English?” — or worse yet, ‘American’. Okay, guilty on this account. Let’s face it; we know that in England, they don’t speak American. Do the best you can. The biggest goof is to ask someone if they speak English when their official language is English. That can happen easily. English is very global and is the language of business. I once sponsored an officer from Malawi and I asked if he understood English. Of course, I said it slowly and almost in pidgin English. I was really embarrassed to discover it was Malawi’s official language. He spokes the “King’s English” which is nearly a foreign language to Americans. Here’s a few of the countries that speak English you may not be aware of: Kenya, Swaziland, Lesotho, Tanzania, Belize, Liberia, Botswana, Malta, Namibia, Dominica, Zambia, Zimbabwe, and Gambia. On top of that, may countries, especially in Europe, teach English in school as a required course. In the USA, we’re lucky if we can master American in one dialect. I visited Aruba where high school students learn at least five languages by the time they graduate. In Germany, any time you need a translation, ask a kid. Their teachers encourage talking to” Ugly American” to practice English.
• Complaining about food portions. We don’t want to be known as the “Fat Americans.” Along with that, don’t order hamburgers or hot dogs. Don’t assume that hamburgers came from Hamburg or hot dogs from Frankfurt. Also keep in mind, most of the world eats with chop sticks. You should master this skill.
• Poor attire. When in Rome… 
• Demanding to know prices in “real money” or American dollars. I witnessed an interesting incident in Korea. I was in a shop that sold hats. All the prices were in dollars and clearly marked on each hat. An American soldier who did not speak any Korean approached the shop owner with a hat marked $10. He said, in English, “I want to buy this hat but I don’t want to pay more than $7.” The owner said “Ne.” Korean for “yes.” Of course, “ne” sounds like “negative”. The soldier then said, “Okay, $8.” Again, the owner said, “Ne.” The soldier then replied, “Nine dollars and that’s my final offer.” The owner said, “Ne, ne, ne.” and pushed the hat into the soldier’s hands. The soldier paid $9 for a hat he could’ve purchased for $7 because of his limited knowledge of the native language. It was all I could do to keep from laughing.

As promised, here are a few other gaffs to avoid:
·         Speaking louder to make yourself understood. It’s just plain stupid.
·         Using a lot of hand gestures to make your point. You will probably end up using a gang symbol or making an obscene gesture unknown to you. The Michael Jackson gesture for “OK” which meant “Ass Hole” in a native language comes to mind.
·         Not knowing the correct way to greet strangers. Let’s face it, most of the world bows. Shaking hands is a more Western gesture. When meeting a King or Queen or the Pope, you may have to genuflect. However, most countries do shake hands. Even so, you could still screw it up. For example, the Koreans shake hands differently. They extend their right hand and brace the elbow with the back of their left hand. They are also big on exchanging business cards right away. In many countries, strange men don’t shake hands with women.

I guess the only way to avoid a gaffe is to do your homework.
 
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'​The following is an article I wrote for a local contest. It didn’t win but I thought I would share it anyway.
 
My First Love

My first memory of my local library was of its immensity; books neatly arranged endlessly upward, the shadows between the shelves, the rows and rows of bookcases, the whispers of paper wrapped around whispering voices, and... the women. At the end of each school day, my female classmates flowed in different directions. Some went to play sports or to cheer on the school teams while others went to the mall, but the stream of women that most interested me ended up at the library. It’s no wonder this is where I met my first love.

     I was winding through the library's maze looking at the women when I heard a voice that called to me like a siren. It beguiled me, and so enticed, I sought out the source. When I found it in the history section, I was astounded. There stood a woman of such beauty she seemed to sparkle. She wore robes woven of gold and silver threads and dripping with jewels. Her skin was the darkest tan, unlike any I had ever seen. I couldn’t look away from her almond brown eyes, so large that a man could get lost in them.

     "Do you know who I am?" she whispered. I shook my head. “I am Cleopatra, Queen of Egypt.” She raised her chin when she said Egypt, as if she expected me to know her. “Great men have loved me in the past -- men like Julius Caesar and Mark Anthony.”

     I spoke not a word, but as the great men in her time did, I took her in my arms. My hands trembled as I held her. Her perfume was exotic and yet so familiar – hard to describe – like an old friend. Her skin was soft. The seduction was complete; I fell instantly in love. As I drank in her beauty and her scent, her shape changed, and I found myself holding a book, The Early History of Rome by Livy.

     As I escorted her to the front desk, I heard another voice, cold and scared, say, "You will never love another like you love her, your first love."

     The hair on my neck stood up. I stopped and turned to see another woman standing before me. She wasn’t beautiful, like Cleopatra, but haggard. She wore a long dress that dragged on the floor with sleeves that hung down below her fingers. Long hair hung around her neck like a serpent. A tall, black hat hid her face from me. "How...how do you know?"

     She lifted one hand and pointed a gnarly finger at my chest. "Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more.” She lifted her large, red eyes and stared into mine. A force beyond description pulled me toward her. Resistance was futile; I fell into her arms. My body shook as she held me. Her skin was cold and clammy with an odor of rotting fish. I was helpless, trapped. Her shape transformed, and I found myself holding the play, Macbeth. Again, the seduction was complete; I fell in love with Shakespeare.

     At first, I was overjoyed. Then I realized I found these books by chance, or rather, they called out to me. How would I ever find more? What was I to do? Was it possible to have two loves? With a lady under each arm, I made my way to the front desk. The librarian informed me the library online website had a listing of all the books in the library. It was like Match.com for bibliophiles. She said that I could look at several books quickly, similar to speed dating. When I selected a book, I could reserve it, and it would meet me at the library when I was ready.

I could not believe my ears. Why hadn’t I discovered this sooner? Where has this system been all my life? It was a match made in heaven. I think that if I already didn’t have two love affairs going on, I would have asked the librarian to marry me on the spot.

     That's how I met my first love and my second love at the library.
 
THE END
​
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