The Advantages to Being over 70 Years Old

Now that I have achieved the ripe old age of 73, I’m trying to count my blessing and see the advantages of being ancient. Here’s what I came up with so far:
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You’re too old to die young. Besides, only the good die young.
You no longer have to remember things like birthdays, anniversaries, names of your grandchildren, the name of your significant other, etc. People will assume you have the early stages of dementia.
You get the senior discount. You get the senior discount usually starting at 55.
Most clerks will stop asking for ID. After a while you’ll look so damn old, everyone will assume you’re over 21.
You can retell the old jokes because the youngest generation never heard them. That’s if you can remember them.
Smoke, eat whatever, and drink. It won’t shorten your life by much.
Your significant other won’t have high expectations in the bedroom. As a side note, any sex after 70 is great.
You get a break on your taxes. The best thing to do is to spend your children’s inheritance.
People will assume you’re wise whenever you give advice. Old folks just look wise. People assume if you live long enough, you should learn something. The wisest thing to do is to not give any advice.
You can easily embarrass your children and grandchildren. My favorite is to wear black socks with Bermuda shorts and sandals. A great prank is close your eyes and hold your breath as long as you can. My other favorite is to grab your chest and yell, “I’m coming Martha. It’s the big one.” That last one is from Sanford and Son, a 70’s TV show (just google it).
 
 Perhaps you can think of a few others – let’s hear them.

I read with interest “Ten Things to Add to Your Resume -- And Ten to Remove Immediately” by Liz Ryan, a contributor to Forbes (9/11/2017). She mentioned “Corporate Zombie Speak”, a term I never saw before but understood immediately. (I checked it out, and it’s a real thing.) She mentioned adding things like a powerful summary, full sentences, an explanation for every job change, framing statement for every employer, and framing statement for every role, dragon-slaying stories and your human voice (is there another kind?). All good advice. She said to remove things like your street address, inappropriate email addresses, tasks and duties, praising adjectives, endless bullets, old irrelevant jobs and formatting. Also, good advice. She explains her rationale. Most of these reflect the changing times. Of course, she left out a few things.

As a public service, I will list some things to take out of your resume:
Remove your fraternity or sorority. There are basically two types of fraternities; those who have done something publicly offensive and those who haven't...yet. It would be best not to admit to being a member until after you're hired. Even after you get the job, you may not want to confess.
When listing skills, remember sexting isn’t a skill unless you are applying for a position in the porn industry. Also, while making pipe bombs is certainly a skill, you may want to keep that secret. Drinking beer while standing on your head isn’t a skill you should list. That also goes for stalking, coloring, field stripping an AK47, shooting an RPG, breaking and entering, cooking meth and picking locks.  
Remove references who are still in prison or pending trial. It’s best to wait until they’re out on bail. Don’t list your parole officer as a reference. Same goes for your Drugs Anonymous sponsor.
Remove your Face Book page unless you have sanitized it.
Remove any family as references unless you still have copies of photographs you can use for blackmail.
It may be too soon to list Trump University under Education. Remove that.
Don’t try to convince anyone that the 4 – 7-year gap in your work summary was a vacation.
Don’t misspell the name of the university you claim to have attended.
Don’t try to be clever in your email address, i.e. buttkicker@whatever.com.
You probably should remove the jobs you had in prison.
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Hopefully, these pointers will help you clean up your resume and get a job.

​I read with interest (last year) an item on my news feed (Wichit News) about the seven questions you should ask your date on the first date. The questions concerned things like hobbies, careers, passions, goals and relationships. I was surprised because not only did I never ask these questions on the first date, I would never have thought of them. They seem impractical. As a public service, I now present the more practical questions you should ask on a first date:

1. Are you over 18? This should be your first question. Trust me. It’ll save you a lot of problems later. Don’t trust the answer – ask for two forms of ID.
2. Were you followed? This question is not a “yes” or “no” question. A yes or no answer is the wrong answer. The correct answer would be along the lines of, “Huh? What?”
3. Are you a registered sex offender? You probably should check this out prior to your date. The answers can be tricky. If the answer is “yes”, that’s a deal breaker. If the answer is “no”, then follow up with “Are you an unregistered sex offender? You could save time by simply asking. “Are you a sex offender?”
4. Were you ever on America’s Most Wanted or The Hunt with John Walsh? Here’s another question you should check into prior to your date. If the answer is “yes”, proceed with caution – might have been the victim.
5. Does your significant other or mom know you’re here? This is a trick question. “Of course not.” is not an acceptable answer. If the significant other or mom tags along, you have your answer.
6. Are you an extraterrestrial, or illegal alien? Whether this is a deal breaker or not is up to you.
7. What’s your safe word? This question used to be saved until the third date, but times change. Better to know ahead of time.
8. Are you terminally ill? If the answer is yes, then follow up with, “How much time do you have?” This will determine how many dates you can have.
9. What’s my name? If your date can’t remember your name that will tell how the date will go or whether your date has dementia.
10. Is your divorce finalized? This is another question where a simple “no” answer may not be sufficient. If the answer is “no”, the next question should be, “When will it be final?”
11. What did the voices in your head say about me? The answer to this question will be revealing.
12. Did you dress yourself? This simple question is deep on many levels. It says something about your date’s mental health, significant others, health and color coordination. Having the belt and shoes match is not enough.
13. Are you packing? You always need to know about concealed weapons. You may want to carry a weapon or mace yourself.
14. Anything else I should know about you? Medical? Mental? Emotional?
15. Are any of your exes in law enforcement, criminals or mental patients? Can’t be too careful.

I hope this helps those of you on a first date.

​I’ve noticed lately on TV that screenwriters are using a lot of flashbacks. Flashbacks are good. They can be used to move the plot forward, to explain the motives of a character or to fill in gaps in the back story. However, when the flashbacks have flashbacks, it gets confusing. Here is an example of a short story with too many flashbacks. Enjoy.

Tom spoke into his headset to Mike who was behind a wall of sand bags. “Speak to me Mike. I’m recording. What are we looking it at?”

Mike cleared his throat. “It’s just what we thought. This bomb has the signature of our bomber all over it.”

“How so?” Tom asked.

“Well, it has the standard timer with a feedback loop. If we cut off the timer; the bomb will detonate. It was armed when it was set down and any attempt to move will also detonate it. The C4 and blasting cap are rigged so any attempt to remove them also detonates it.”

“Shit!” Tom whispered. “How much time do you have?”

Mike looked at the timer. “Twenty-four seconds.”

“Okay, you know how to handle this,” Tom said, trying to stay positive. “You’ve done the last two. Plenty of time.”

“Yeah, I know. I’m on it. I just have to cut this blue, black and green wires simultaneously. Piece of cake.” Mike looked at the green wire. It reminded him of his wife, Mary. The wire was the same shade of green as the shoes she wore when he fell in love with her. His mind flew back to the scene at her house so many years ago.

It was the night of the senior prom. They had dated all through high school, but it was during the senior prom that he knew – knew for sure she was the one. As she descended the stairs, the first thing he saw were those green patent leather shoes. Then came that green dress and finally Mary’s beautiful face with those gorgeous green eyes. Her hair had a matching green ribbon. Mike knew then that Mary was the one he wanted to marry, to bare his children and to grow old together. He was smitten. They married right after college.

Mary thought about those green shoes too. She loved those shoes and wore them even after they were married. She wore them for two baptisms and two confirmations. The dress didn’t fit well after the first kid was born and not at all after the second, but the shoes still fit. Mary wondered whatever happened to those shoes. Then she recalled putting them in a shoe box, stuffing newspaper around them and placing them in an old trunk in the attic. She decided to look for them later.

Bang! Mary was startled by the Honor Guard firing their rifles in salute of their fallen comrade. Mary’s mind snapped back to the present. A bugler started to play taps. A second bugler, hidden behind a small knoll played the echo. Mary started to cry when she saw Tom walking toward her with a tri-folded flag.

As Tom approached Mary with Mike’s flag he thought she still looked as beautiful as the day he first met her so many years ago. His mind wandered back to freshman year of high school. Tom and Mike had been best friends since grade school. They did everything together; sports, homework and even cheated. Finally, their math teacher caught them and tried to keep them separated by seating a girl between them. That girl was Mary. That didn’t work as Mary became part of their team. Teachers called them the three Musketeers. When Mike married Mary, Tom was the best man. They have been best friends forever. Now Mike was gone. Tears streamed down Tom’s face as he presented Mike’s flag to Mary.

Later, at the reception, Mary managed to corner Tom alone. “Tom, did you figure out what went wrong?”

Tom hung his head to avoid her eyes. “The investigation is still going on.”

Mary stuck her face inches in front of Tom’s and used her hand to raise his chin. “Tom, it’s me, Mary. Don’t give me that bullshit. He was my husband and your best friend. We’ve been friends since high school. Now tell me what you know.”

“Okay, okay. It’s not conclusive. We found what was left of the bomb. Mike knew what he was supposed to do. He was supposed to cut three wires simultaneously. But those wires weren’t cut -- none of them. He was talking to me and then he just went silent. I don’t know why. He never cut those wires.”

Mary stepped back and let Tom’s words sink in. “What happened? Why didn’t he cut those wires?” 

Tom shook his head. “I don’t know.”
 
“Well you must have a working theory. What do you think, Tom? Tell me the truth.”
 
Tom thought for a moment. “To tell you the truth, Mary. I think he had a flashback that lasted too long.”
 
THE END

A while ago, I read an article by Liz Ryan written for Forbes titled “Five Red Flags That Scream 'Don't Hire This Person'” as usual several other red flags were omitted. Oddly enough, many of the “red flags” are the same that apply when a person wants to purchase a gun.

As a public service for hiring managers, I list the additional red flags that say, “Don’t hire this person.”

1. The candidate looks at his iPhone the entire interview.
2. There’s blood on the candidate’s white shirt.
3. The candidate asks how soon can he/she use the sick days.
4. Something in the candidate’s coat pocket is moving around.
5. The candidate refers every question to an invisible little person sitting on the his/her shoulder.
6. The candidate is naked.
7. The candidate says she/he has a constitutional right to carry a concealed gun to work.
8. The candidate is wearing dark sunglasses and a fake mustache.
9. The candidate has a facial tattoo that looks like an elephant’s rear end.
10. The candidate’s nose ring gets attached to the magnet in your paperclip holder.
11. The candidate’s references are all in prison.
12. The candidate is wearing a suicide bomber vest.
13. The candidate asks to take a selfie with you.
14. One of the candidate’s jobs was in the laundry at the state penitentiary for 20 years.
15. The candidate’s name and the name of a school attended are misspelled on the resume.
16. The candidate’s resume is signed in blood.
17. The candidate lights up a cigar and puts her/his feet up on your desk.
18. The candidate carves initials into your desk.
19. The candidate says she/he is glad to finally meet you in person after stalking you for years.
20. The candidate takes a drink from a flask during the interview.

 
I hope this helps in making the right choice for hire.

I read with interest on my newsfeed that the Spanish Steps in Rome are no longer a place for sitting. Rome has passed a law that states people tourists may not sit, eat and or drink on these steps as well as other popular tourist attractions. Of course, there are many things that tourists shouldn’t do while on vacation and most aren’t illegal—yet.


As a public service, I’ll list them here:

1. Don’t call the hotel front desk to ask for drugs or prostitutes.
2. Don’t shoot weapons off the hotel balcony.
3. Don’t say the “B” word while going through security at the airport.
4. Don’t say “Hi” to your friend Jack on the plane.
5. Don’t barbeque in your hotel room or while on a plane.
6. Don’t try to share your meth with the pilot or taxis drivers.
7. Don’t try to bribe the TSA workers.
8. Don’t make fun of the voodoo witch doctor.
9. Don’t ask for a longer bungee cord when bungie jumping.
10. When in a foreign country or in Chicago, don’t flash a wad of cash.
11. Don’t remove coins from a fountain in Italy.
12. Don’t pull out a toy gun at the Wailing Wall in Israel or any Walmart.
13. Don’t try to climb the Eiffel Tower.
14. Don’t try to straight up the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
15. Don’t ask the Pope, “How’re they hanging?”
16. Don’t ask the Queen of England if she shops at Costco.
17. Don’t ask the Pope if he stole his robe from the hotel.
18. Don’t take your service dog sky diving.
19. Don’t try to order a hot dog in Frankfurt, a hamburger in Hamburg or a Danish in Denmark.
20. Don’t pet or tease the buffalos, tigers, bears or alligators.

 
I’m sure there are others, but this list will start you on your vacation.

I recently lost over 70 pounds. I say “recently”, because I reached my goal of 240 lbs after eight years. I want to write about and post it in my blog. The problem is that my blog is about humor, and there’s nothing funny about being overweight—it’s not healthy. I didn’t follow any particular diet; I just tailored some diets to fit my needs. (I will write something serious later)

When you diet, people will offer all types of advice; most of it bad. I have two rules in life. Don’t take financial advice from a homeless person and don’t take diet advice from a fat person. Works for me. I followed my own advice and built a diet I can stick with and enjoy. People say, “It’s not the destination, it’s the journey.” Bull crap. It’s the destination, but you have to enjoy the journey, or you’ll never make it.

I have dieted since my freshman year in high school. I started wrestling heavy weight as a freshman (210 lbs+) and each year went down a weight class. I was wrestling 175 as a senior. I struggled the rest of my life with my weight. I learned all the tricks and tried all the diets. Basically, all diets work. You just must find one that works for YOU.

I tried all those products that state if you use the product, drink lots of water, exercise and limit yourself to 2000 calories; you’ll lose weight. Well, duh! It took me years to learn that just limiting the calories alone will make you lose weight. I also tried a product that is supposed to curb your appetite. I ate half the box and was still hungry.
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If you’re trying to lose weight, hang in there and be patient.