Monte R Anderson - Author
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The Haunting of New York City

10/31/2016

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Picture
John Hunter was stunned as he stood in the center of Times Square, cars and people passed by and through him. This was not the New York he remembered from his youth. Of course, that was over 150 years ago. John was a ‘young-old ghost’ as the spirit community liked to call ghosts that died young a long time ago. Most ghosts are “ancient-old ghosts”, having died at an old age a long time ago. John decided to make the best of his situation and to start haunting. Haunting a city was certainly more interesting that haunting a Civil War battlefield and with a hole in his head, John figured he could still provide a good scare. 
 
He waited until a group of people approached him on the sidewalk. They were walking with their heads down as if looking at their hands. No matter, John decided to scare the hell out of them. He waiting until they were just a few feet in front of him and then he manifested himself and yell “boo.”
 
No one even noticed. The closest person walked right through him without stopping or even looking up. John decided he needed to up his game. When the next group of people approached him, he removed his head and threw it the closest person. Nothing happened. His head sailed right through the person, bounced down the street and down the steps of a subway entrance.
 
John, or at least his head, lay on the subway platform wondering how in the world he was going to find the rest of his body when he heard laughter. He glanced over and saw a young man, a young ghost really, laughing at him. Finally, the young ghost walked over, picked up John’s head and held up so they were eye to eye.
 
“What are you laughing at?” John asked, irritated.
 
“Why, you of course. Let’s go find your body.” The young ghost carried John’s head under his arm and up the stairs to the street level. People walking by were oblivious to a ghost carrying a head under his arm. John’s body wasn’t hard to find; pedestrians walked through it, not even bothering to lift their feet. The young ghost lifted John’s body and placed his head squaring on his neck. John looked down at his body. His body was backwards. He reached up and turned his head around. Then he looked around, found his kepis cap and placed it on his head.
 
“Oh,” exclaimed the young ghost. “You’re a soldier.”
 
John snapped to attention and saluted. “Private John Hunter, 22nd New York Volunteer Infantry at your service.”
 
The young ghost stuck out his hand. “Please to meet you, John. My name is Eston Morschauser.”
 
John shook Eston’s hand. “You’re young like me.”
 
“Well, I died young just last year. I guess I’m a ‘recent-young’ ghost as they say.”
 
“Maybe you can tell me what’s going on,” John said. “I tried to scare these people, but they just ignored me. They keep looking at something in their hands. What’s going on?”
 
Eston laughed. “You’re way behind the times. Where have you been?”
 
“I was killed in Sharpsburg, Maryland.”
 
“Shot in the head, I presume.”
 
John raised his eyebrows. “Yes, how’d you know?”
 
Eston poked a finger through the hole in John’s head.
 
John laughed. “Yeah, lucky shot.”
 
“So what have you been up?” Eston asked.
 
“I stayed on the battlefield marching in solemn formations every night, reenacting the battle.”
 
Eston shook his head. “That must have been boring.”
 
“Not for a hundred years. To tell the truth, for the first 75 years I thought maybe this time we’ll win. But it was the same results very time.”
 
Eston laughed. “So you finally asked for a transfer?”
 
“Yeah. Now can you tell me what’s going on. I can’t seem to scare anyone. They’re like zombies.”
 
“That’s because everyone is looking at their iPhones; playing games, reading emails or sending pictures,” Eston answered. “They are like zombie only not dead or undead.”
 
“Wait, wait. An eye phone?” John pointed to his eye. “What’s an eye phone?”
 
Eston smiled. “Not that kind of ‘I’. It’s a communication device, like a telephone.”
 
John shook his head which would have fallen again if he hadn’t held on to it. “What’s a telephone?”
 
“Wow,” Eston answered. “What war were you in?”
 
“The Civil War. I was killed on September 17, 1862. A Confederate sniper shot me at the Sunken Road during the Battle of Antietam.”
 
“Wow,” Eston said. “Well, there’s been a lot of progress in the last 150 years. We haunt things differently in New York. I’ll show you.” Eston looked around. As the next guy passed, he entered through his back, snatched the iPhone out of his hands and brought it over to John.  “This is an iPhone.” The man stopped and started looking for his iPhone. When he saw Eston talking to John, he screamed and ran away.
 
John took the iPhone and looked it over. “You said it was a communication device. Where’s the wires? How does it work without wires?”
 
“It’s wireless. I don’t have time to bring you up to date on all the progress made in 150 years. You just have accept what I tell you. Okay?”
 
John nodded. “Okay. What do I do now?”
 
“Good,” Eston said. “We haunt these things now I’ll show you how to enter the operating system and tell you the type of things you can do there.” Eston spent the next thirty minutes explaining how an iPhone works and how to possess it. Finally, he said. “Most of the apps on the iPhone are paid for by advertisements. These ads pop up here and there; some from the top down, some from the bottom up and some from the sides. They can be very annoying. To drive a person mad, just make hundreds of ads pop up one after the other.”
 
John didn’t know what an ‘app’ was but decided to hold his question. “It’s that easy?” he asked.
 
“Oh, yes. You can also mess with their e-mails.”
 
This time he had to ask. “What’s an ‘e-mail’?
 
Eston smiled. “It means electronic mail. People use it to send messages to each other. All you have to do is mess with the addresses. Just change the address to someone else. If the message says something intimate, send it to everyone in the address book. I once sent a bunch of emails from Hillary Clinton to WikiLeaks.”
 
“I don’t know who those people are.”
 
 Eston smiled, “That bring me to sexting.”
 
“What’s that?”
 
Eston smiled even wider. “Sexting means taking a naked picture or picture of one’s privates and sending to a boy or girlfriend.”
 
“I’m a private,” protested John.
 
“Not that type of private. I meant a person’s junk.”
 
“I don’t have any junk.”
Eston signed. “It’s a dirty picture, okay?”
 
“Oh… How do I do that?” John asked.
 
“Simple. Whenever you see something like that, change the address to someone else. I like to use a parent, if I know it, but just about anyone will do.”
 
“And that works?”
 
“Oh, yeah,” answered Eston. “You should see what I did to Anthony Weiner. But the best haunting is with selfies.”
 
“What are selfies?” John asked.
 
“People now days, especially, young one, like to take pictures of themselves alone or with someone and send to other people. When you see that they’re about to take a selfie, you jump into the background and manifest yourself in ghostly fashion. We call it ‘ghostly photobombing’, and it will freak them out.”
 
John had seen only one camera in his entire life, but at least he knew what a photograph was. “Anything else?” he asked.
 
“Are you kidding? There are a million ways to possess a cellphone. One of my favorites uses the GPS.”
 
It was John’s turn to sigh. “And what, pray tell is a ‘GPS’?”
 
“It stands for Global Positioning System. It uses satellites to triangulate the position of a cellphone.”
 
John had no idea what ‘satellites’ were or what it meant to’ triangulate’, but he was overwhelmed and let it pass. “So what do you do to the GPS?”
 
“Whenever someone asks for directions, you change them. You know, send them the wrong way on a one-way street or give them a route miles out of the way. It drives people crazy.”
 
“Anything else? I can’t handle much more.”
 
“Okay, one more and you’ll love it. Some cellphones use artificial intelligence and an artificial voice. People can talk to it, and it talks back. Two popular ones are Siri and Cortana. All you do is take over the voice and talk in a creepy voice and maybe a hideous laugh. It will freak people out.”
 
John laughed. “Now I like that. I’ll try it.”
 
“Well, that’s enough for now. That’s the basics. “Oh, before I forget, Halloween is tonight. All the ghosts in New York get together and ride the subways all night. I’ll come to get you after sundown.”
 
John said, “I don’t have a costume.”
 
Eston chuckled. “It’s a come as you are party. Happy haunting and welcome to New York.”
 
THE END
 
For other e-books by me, visit http://smashwords.com/profile/view/monteranderson.
Follow me on Twitter at
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Part 2 of Chapter 9 from Archimedes of Syracuse, a Historical Novel

10/28/2016

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I thought I would post one of the chapters from my historical #novel, #Archimedes of Syracuse. It’s a little long for a blog so I’ve broken it down in parts. If you missed Part 1, scroll down. Enjoy.
 
Archimedes is visiting Alexandria in #Egypt. His best friend is Conon of Samos. After a night of drinking and talking, Conon takes Archimedes to the chariot races.  One of the teams is driven by the beautiful Helena daughter of King #Ptolemy, King of Alexandria and Egypt. Archimedes has fallen in love with her.
 
CHAPTER 9—THE RACES (Part 2) (247 BCE in Alexandria)
 
All the chariots dash forward at once into the straight-away, each in their marked lane. After a short distance, the markings stop, and the chariots begin to change lanes, fighting for the inside lane occupied by Berenice.

Suddenly, the first accidents happen. One chariot is overturned, and the chariot breaks away from the horses. The driver cannot get out of his reins, and is dragged half way around the track. Another chariot loses a wheel. A collision happens seconds later with one chariot losing a wheel, but the other charioteer maintains control, and stays in the race. With each collision or near collision, the crowd cheers, and Conon holds his head.

“Are you ill?” asks Archimedes.

“Could you ask the crowd to keep the noise down? I had too much beer last night.”

“I don’t think I can.”

“Then, please, kill me to take me out of my misery.”

“Have some more wine. I understand that it will take the sting out of your pain.”

“I don’t think so, but I will try it,” drinking more wine.

Berenice has the coveted inside lane, and takes an early lead. Now she must fight to keep her position. She moves her horses as close as possible to the spine for the turn. As she enters the first turn, she shifts her weight to lean the chariot into the turn. This maneuver makes the chariot easier to turn left but is very dangerous. The chariots are made lighter by removing the floor. The drivers must balance on the center yoke, and leaning to either side is tricky.

Berenice gives the outside horse his head by twisting her hips to the left. This also pulls in the reins on the left side horses. She calls the right outside horse by name, and strikes him with her whip to start the first turn. The left hub of the chariot misses the spine by a hand’s width.

Slaves run out onto the track to remove the injured drivers, and young boys run out to clear the debris. The boys removing the debris are too slow, and are nearly struck by other chariots. One leaps up on the spine, and out of harm’s way. The others cannot make it that far so they fall flat on the track, and lie parallel to the spine, trying to make their bodies as small a target as possible. They are lucky this time. No one runs over them.

Berenice is able to keep the lead position by blocking her challengers. Just before each turn she moves in closer to the spine. On the straight-away she steers the chariot farther out to keep the drivers behind her from cutting inside while lengthening the distance they must drive to pass her on the outside. These tactics enable her to easily win the first race.

Helena is in the second race but is in a stall several lanes over from the inside track. She will have to fight to gain the inside track. She manages to reach the inside track four chariots behind the lead chariot from Samos.

Her chariot swings wide around the first turn--too wide. Helena realizes her mistake, and tries to regain the inside position but two chariots cut in ahead of her before she can move over. She curses herself for taking the turn too fast to hold the position, and vows not to make that mistake again.

Conon is feeling better, and begins to take some interest in the race. Archimedes fears the worse for Helena. She is still in the race but some six chariots behind the leader. His heart races along with the horses, and he sways left or right with every move Helena makes. More than once he yells to warn her of near collisions. Everyone is shouting or cheering, so no one pays any attention to Archimedes.

The chariots approach the second turn. Helena slows the chariot slightly, and is able to hold the turn. Her left hub misses the spine by three finger’s width. Before she is out of the turn she spurs the horses on to accelerate. This gives her the extra speed to cut inside the chariot in front of her. The driver had taken this turn too fast, and swung wide. Ahead of her, another chariot loses a wheel, and is out of the race. One of the dolphin counters is pulled down to signal one complete lap. Helena is in fifth place.

Archimedes’ heart jumps whenever he sees Helena nearly colliding with another chariot. Helena spends the next two laps trying to get inside the chariot to her front. However, the driver is an experienced driver from Pythia and holds onto the inside track. On the next straight-away, Helena pulls away from the inside, and moves to the outside of the Pythian chariot. Going into the next turn, she drives her horse to keep abreast of the Pythian chariot. It is a tactic that Berenice taught her. By staying abreast in the turn, she is actually racing faster, and pulls ahead in the straight-away. Now she moves back inside. This same tactic works on the next chariot too. Most seasoned drivers will pass only on the straight-away because they consider passing on a turn to be too dangerous. They are right. Helena knows she is among the top four chariots, and concentrates on holding her position. She successfully blocks any attempts to pass her, and finishes the race in third place. She and Berenice will both be in the final race. Archimedes is relieved to see that Helena has survived the first race.

Helena and Berenice take their places with the Royal Family to watch the third race but do not socialize. They discuss tactics. Berenice will have a good chance to win the final race, but anything can happen. She coaches Helena on how to achieve a position where she can block some of the other drivers, and help ensure victory for the royal stable. They are the only two teams from the same stable, and by working together, they will have an advantage over the other teams.

“What is the matter with you?” a finally sober Conon asks Archimedes. “You are sweating as if you were in the race yourself.”

“I guess I got caught up in the action.”
 
END of Part 2
 
To order the entire novel, Archimedes of Syracuse, go to http:/smashwords.com/b/159447.
 
For other e-books by me, visit http://smashwords.com/profile/view/monteranderson.
Follow me on Twitter at
http://twitter.com/monteranderson
Follow my blog at http://monteranderson-author.com
or http://monteranderson.wordpress.com
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Part 1 of Chapter 9 from Archimedes of Syracuse, a Historical Novel

10/26/2016

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I thought I would post one of the chapters from my historical #novel, #Archimedes of Syracuse. It’s a little long for a blog so I’ve broken it down in parts. Enjoy.
 
Archimedes is visiting Alexandria in #Egypt. His best friend is Conon of Samos. After a night of drinking and talking, Conon takes Archimedes to the chariot races.  One of the teams is driven by the beautiful Helena daughter of King #Ptolemy, King of #Alexandria and Egypt. Archimedes has fallen in love with her.
 
CHAPTER 9—THE RACES (Part 1) (247 BCE in Alexandria)

The next day, after breakfast, Archimedes and Conon follow the crowd to the Hippodrome for the chariot races.

“How many races today?” asks Archimedes.
​
“I believe there are only four,” says Conon. “There are thirty-six teams, but only twelve race at a time. After the first three races, the top four from each race will race in the fourth and final race after lunch.”

Archimedes and Conon sit in the section reserved for members of the Museum. It is centered on the racing track and half way up the tiered seats of the Hippodrome. Cushions are provided. Their seats are behind the King and Queen, the Royal Family, and members of their court. The track is wide with two straight-a ways and a semi-circle at both ends. In the middle is a low wall or a spine that divides the two straight-a ways. On top of the spine are lap counters in the shape of dolphins.

Archimedes looks for Helena but doesn’t see her. The members of the Museum begin talking among themselves, usually discussing their work but also some of the earlier sporting events. Conon buys some wine to share with Archimedes. They talk as they watch slaves preparing the track; leveling the ground, filling in holes, and sprinkling water on the track to settle the dust. The Hippodrome quickly fills with spectators.

“Did you know Barnacle’s wife before?” asks Archimedes.

“Of course, we were lovers. Didn’t that old sea dog tell you?”

“No, he did not, but it explains why he is uncomfortable around you.”

“Is he? He shouldn’t be.”

“Interesting! Why didn’t you marry her?”

“Archimedes, I am already married. My wife and children live in Samos. I didn’t want to marry her. I was just having fun. Barnacle came along, and offered her a partnership in his business. They made a deal, were married, and that was that.”

At the sound of a trumpet, a roar goes up from the crowd, signaling the beginning of the opening procession. King Ptolemy leads the pageantry dressed as a pharaoh, wearing the same white tunic he had worn the first time Archimedes met him. Today he carries a small crooked scepter instead of the flail. The scepter is gold plated and reinforced with blue copper bands.

At first, Archimedes is impressed by how straight and steady King Ptolemy looks in his chariot. Then he realizes that the King has tied himself into the center of the chariot with ropes. He is riding in a decorated war chariot driven by a bodyguard, followed by musicians and dancers. Behind them are chariots carrying statues of gods who will watch the races. There are statues of Zeus, Isis, Poseidon, and others. There is even a statue of Ptolemy’s father. Archimedes wonders what the gods do when two competing charioteers pray to the same deity for victory. The statues are followed by all the officials for the race: the umpires, assistants, and medical staff.

The crowd cheers as everyone climbs to their designated seats, and the statues are placed on pedestals in the center spine. The chariot teams follow next. Leading the chariots is Berenice. She is wearing a silver helmet which designates her as last year’s winner. She is also wearing a tunic covered by leather cuirass and trousers re-enforced with leather and greases. The reins of the four horses are wrapped around her waist. She moves and twists her hips as well as using her hands to steer the horses.

Archimedes is surprised to see Helena following Berenice. She is dressed the same as Berenice except without the helmet.

“Are both Berenice and Helena racing today?” he asks.

“Usually they do not race each other,” says Conon. “They are both in the royal stable from Cyrene, and, therefore, on the same team. I presume that Helena needs more experience, and that is why she is racing. It is unusual to have two teams from the same stable.”

Helena’s chariot is one of four in the line abreast behind Berenice. The rest of the competitors follow four abreast. In addition to Alexandria and Cyrene, there are chariots teams from Namibia, Samos, Antioch, Crete, and Sparta. There is even one from Syracuse. The crowd cheers their favorite team.
​

The chariots for the first race enter their assigned stalls, which had been chosen by lot before the race. Each stall has a hinged bar placed across the stall to keep the horses inside. Berenice enters the first stall reserved for the defending champion. Another trumpet sounds, and the crowd becomes quiet. All eyes are on King Ptolemy as he raises his arm. In his hand is a white cloth. Ptolemy holds it at arm’s length for a minute, and then lets it fall. Immediately, an assistant on top of the stalls pulls a lever that opens all the stalls at the same time. The race is on!
 
END of Part 1
 
To order the entire novel, Archimedes of Syracuse, go to http:/smashwords.com/b/159447.
 
For other e-books by me, visit http://smashwords.com/profile/view/monteranderson.
Follow me on Twitter at
http://twitter.com/monteranderson
Follow my blog at http://monteranderson-author.com
or http://monteranderson.wordpress.com
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Ten More Things to Avoid to Live Longer

10/24/2016

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I read with interest (is there another way to read?) an article by Rafi Letzter in the Business Insider, 9 Things to Avoid if you Want to Live a Long Life. He listed eating sugar, skipping sleep, eating red meat, spending time in in bright sunlight pale and unprotected, not exercising, smoking cigarettes, drinking alcohol, getting stressed out, and overeating. Of course, whenever people write these lists, they omit major things. As a community service, with tongue in cheek, I want to add to the list:
 
1.      Avoid living in Chicago. By 2016, Chicago had recorded more homicides and shooting victims than New York City and Los Angeles combined. If you live there, move.
2.      Avoid not wearing your seat belt. In 2009 alone, crashes killed over 33,000 people and more than half of those weren’t wearing seat belts.
3.      Avoid getting old. Per the CDC, 5% of the population will die before they reach 40 and 50% will die before they reach 75. Of those over 75, 100% will die. Therefore, it makes good sense to stop getting older, probably at 39. Who knew?
4.      Avoid overdosing on drugs, legal or illegal, accidental or on purpose. Deaths from overdoses is the leading cause of unintentional death for Americans. Last year, 47,055 died from drug overdoses, 1.5 times greater than the number killed in car crashes.
5.      Avoid waving a gun or knife at police (or a cell phone, or anything for that matter. Just drop it and follow directions.)
6.      Avoid accidents of all kinds. Per the CDC, accidents (motor vehicle, unintentional drug overdoses, falls and other injuries) are the fourth leading cause of death in the US.
7.      Avoid hunting with Dick Chaney. He has a habit to shooting his hunting partners.
8.      Avoid suicide. Per the World Health Organization, 34,000 people commit suicide each year, twice as many caused by homicide.
9.      Avoid joining a radical extremist militant group. Seems everyone want to kill members of radical groups.
10.  Avoid the hospital and nursing home. 63% of Americans die in hospitals, and another 17% die in institutional settings such as long-term care facilities (that’s 80%). Research estimates up to 440,000 Americans die annually from preventable hospital errors, making this the third leading cause of death in the US.
 
I hope this helps you to live longer. Perhaps you have others to add. Let’s hear them.
 
 
For e-books by me, visit http://smashwords.com/profile/view/monteranderson.
Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/monteranderson
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Don't Panic: A Short Story

10/21/2016

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Picture
Here is one of my short stories in time for Halloween. Enjoy.
 
Don’t Panic: A Short Story
 
His shiny black eyes stared up at her from her lap as she admired his permanent red smile. Fingering his tiny overalls, she pictured the little ones' faces, pressed against the icy windowpanes, waiting for her to arrive with another basket of her lifelike, homemade gifts. She put the last strand of hair was in place. As she inserted the needle to tie a knot, doll lurched in her hand, and a high-pitched voice yelled, “That hurt!”

She stared at the doll squirming in her hand.

Okay don’t panic, she thought. The Doctor said this could happen. This is not real. The doll grabbed the needle and stabbed her leg. She jumped up, dropping the doll to the floor. She watched in disbelief as the doll ran into her bedroom.

Well, I certainly felt that. She lifted up her dress and saw a small drop of blood where the needle stuck her. She touched her finger to the drop of blood and then put her finger into her mouth. It tastes like blood. I need to renew the prescription.

She walked toward the bedroom to get her jacket. She never saw the lamp cord strung ankle high across the doorway. She tripped and fell forward, striking her head on the corner of her dresser and landing on the floor unconscious.

TWENTY-FOUR HOURS LATER

Chief Williams flashed his badge at the officer at the door and walked inside. He saw detective Sam talking to a young woman in the living room. Sam looked up and came over to greet him. “What have we got, Sam?” Chief Williams asked.

“I think we have a suicide, but you won’t believe it. Take a look and then let me explain.” Sam gestured toward the bedroom and both men walked over to the door. “Brace yourself!” Sam said. "You ain’t seen no suicide like this.”

Chief Williams entered the room. On the floor was a young woman laying on her back. A plastic bag was over her head and tied around her neck with a lamp cord. One of her arms was tied by the wrist to a leg of her bed with a cord while the other arm was tied to her dresser. All around the body lay pint-sized homemade dolls. The Chief looked at Sam, “She’s tied up.”

“I know Chief, but I have seen it before. She made a loop like a noose on one cord and tied it to the bed. Then when she was ready, she tied the other hand, lay down and slipped her wrist through the loop. Once pulled tight, she couldn’t untie it. That way if she panicked, she couldn’t chicken out. Check the knot on her right wrist. It’s a slip knot.”

Chief Williams bent down to exam the knot. Then he glanced over to the young woman’s face. “Damn!” he exclaimed and stepped back.

“That’s the part I was warning you about,” Sam said.

“Are her lips sewn together?”

“Yeah, like a voodoo head or something. Her nose too. The sewing needle’s still attached. That alone would have killed her. The plastic bag was just an extra measure.”

“And you consider this a suicide?” the Chief asked.

“Yeah. The woman in the other room is her sister. She said the vic was recently diagnosed with schizophrenia, so she called her every day. When she did not get an answer for twenty-four hours, she called the police. She IDed the body.”

The Chief ordered one of the officers, “Check the medicine cabinets. See what she was taking.” Turning back toward Sam, “What else?”

“No sign of forced entry. The door was locked and bolted from the inside. We cannot find any other fingerprints except for the vic’s. Also no sign of a struggle. No sign of sexual assault.”

“Any note?”

“Nope. We checked her e-mails too. Her sister thinks it was suicide.”

An officer strode over and handed the Chief a hand full of pill bottles. The Chief examined the bottles. “No. No. Ah Ha!” Holding up two bottles for Sam to see, “Olanzapine and fluoxetine! Commonly used for the treatment of schizophrenia. Both empty.”

“How did you know that?” Sam asked.

“I just know things,” the Chief said, handing the bottles back to the uniformed officer. “Call the pharmacy and find out if she called in a subscription. But why go to all the trouble of sewing your mouth and nose shut? That had to be painful. Wouldn’t it be easier just to overdose with pills?”

“But if she was hallucinating maybe she did not feel the pain.”

“Could be. Keep checking for clues that someone else was here.”

“Chief!” called an officer from the phone, “The pharmacy says she called in a refill four days ago but never picked it up.”

“Thanks.” Then half aloud, “She ran out of her meds.”

The Chief walked over and stood over the body to examine one of the dolls. The doll looked at him and said, “What are you looking at, fat boy?”
​
The chief picked up the doll and put it into his coat pocket. Okay, don’t panic. The doctor said this might happen occasionally. It is just a hallucination. Forgot to take my meds this morning, that’s all.
 
THE END
 
For e-books by me, visit http://smashwords.com/profile/view/monteranderson.
Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/monteranderson
Follow my blog at http://monteranderson-author.com or http://monteranderson.wordpress.com
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How to Unrig a Rigged Election

10/19/2016

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Picture
The solution to ensuring that the presidential election isn’t rigged is simple; Use international election monitors. There’ll be several hundred monitors watching the election for various reason already. In fact, rumor has it that Trump is recruiting a nationwide network of poll watchers. A group of international election monitors agreed upon by Trump and Clinton could tell the American people if the election is, in fact, rigged. The problem now is to find a country to monitor the election. Trump and Clinton would have to agree.
 
No one knows more about rigged election than #Russia. The Communist Party has rigged many an election and they could easily spot a rigged election if they saw one. No, wait. That won’t work. Vladimir Putin and Trump are friend, so Russia can’t be impartial.
 
Another country that understand how to rig an election is North Korea. I’m sure they would like to come and monitor the election in the US. No, wait. That won’t work. North Korea isn’t a democracy. They don’t know how a democracy works. Same goes for Cuba.
 
Well, there’re lots of democracies in Europe. Surely there’s a country that both parties can agree on. England, for example is an excellent democracy. I’m sure they would agree to monitor the American elections. No, wait. That won’t work. England’s Prime Minister is Theresa May. Trump has offended women. She would never agree to be objective and impartial. Plus, Trump will not approve of England. That’s not going to work.
 
Of course! Denmark. A small country with a great democracy. Surely no one can object to Denmark. No, wait. That won’t work. The Prime Minister is Helle Thorning-Schmidt – another woman. That also eliminates Germany, Lithuania, Kosovo, Slovenia, Cyprus (North), Norway, Malta, Poland, Switzerland and Croatia. WTF? Come to think of it, Trump has slam dunked most of Europe for not paying their fair share of the cost of NATO. Switzerland would be ideal. They could use the Swiss Guards. It would be cool to have a guard in uniform by each election spot. Unfortunately, the Swiss Guard is too busy guarding the Pope.
 
Maybe we should look closer to home. Take Mexico for instant. No, wait. That won’t work. Trump has called them rapists and criminals. Canada is certainly an option except they’re expecting a big influx of Americans if Trump should win. Well there’s still the rest of Central and South America. No, wait. That won’t work. Trump has alienated most Latinos.
 
What does that leave us? China – not a democracy. Additional countries with female heads of state include Sri Lanka, Liberia, Bangladesh, Namibia, Nepal, Myanmar, Taiwan and New Zealand. I think we can all agree that Trump would never agree to allowing any Muslim country into the US to monitor elections. Besides, Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, Oman, the United Arab Emirates and Qatar all made large donation to the Clinton Foundation. They could not be impartial.
 
Trump is also complaining that the media is spending more time reporting about his accusers than they are about Clinton’s emails in an effort to sway the public before the election. There may be a grain of truth in this accusation. In all fairness, I think the media should stop reporting anything about Trump until such time as they have given Clinton and Trump the same amount of exposure, at least until the next debate. Oh wait. That’s today. Damn. This is too hard.
 
Maybe the best solution is to just go ahead and hold the election. If Trump should win, then we know the election was rigged.
 
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More Clues that the Russians may have Hacked Your Emails.

10/17/2016

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​I posted 12 Clues that the Russians may have hacked your emails last week. In case you aren’t quite sure, here are  more clues:
 1.      The nude pictures of your significant other are replaced with pictures of a shirtless Vladimir Putin.
2.      Your spell checker no longer corrects the words Da and Nyet (да and инет).
3.      Your auto-correct changes the word “democracy” to “communism”.
4.      All the n’s in your memos are now backwards.
5.      Your screen saver now has pictures of Vladimir Putin, Vladimir Lenin and Red Square.
6.      Your email addresses now include WikiLinks, the secret police agency FSB (Federal Security Service of the Russian Federation), Vladimir Putin and Julian Paul Assange.
 
If any of the above are happening to you, then there’s a good chance you’ve been hacked by the Russians.
 
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12 Clues that the Russians may have Hacked Your Emails

10/14/2016

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1.      You find vodka in your hard drive.
2.      All the question marks on your memos have been replaced with a sickle.
3.      All the exclamation marks on your memos have been replaced with a hammer.
4.      You find white out on your monitor.
5.      You find a pair of scissors used for cutting.
6.      You find scotch tape used for pasting.
7.      There’s caviar on your key board.
8.      You discover that the #Russians used a hacking program called the Russian Nesting Dolls.
9.      They confuse American football with soccer
10.  People from #WikiLeaks are calling you for a date.
11.  Someone from CNN wants to know if you’d like to make a statement.
12.  You no longer get emails saying girls in Russia want to meet you.
 
If any of the above are happening to you, then there’s a good chance you’ve been hacked by the Russians.
 
For e-books by me, visit http://smashwords.com/profile/view/monteranderson.
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How will Trump Treat Women World Leaders?

10/12/2016

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The new president will have to deal with #NATO and the numerous heads of state in #Europe, some of which are women. Based on Trump’s history of treating or mistreating women, we can pretty much guess how he would score or rate the female heads of state. Keep in mind that this may be considered “locker room banter”. Below are some possible scenarios on how Trump will treat national leaders who are female:

Prime Minister Theresa #May of #England. Learn to speak English for heaven’s sake. Brexit seems like a good business strategy; like filing for bankruptcy. Quit the EU membership, file for a loss and don’t pay taxes for 18 years. You go girl!

Chancellor
Angela #Merkel of #Germany.  Old, fat and ugly. We’ll extradite Heidi Klum if I’m elected and you’ll have to take her back. Build a wall around Germany and make Poland pay for it.

President Dalia Grybauskaite of #Lithuania. Look at that face! You need to pay up your share of the expenses of NATO.

President Atifete Jahjaga of #Kosovo. A person who’s flat-chested is very hard to be a 10, OK? Kosova needs a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering Kosovo.

Prime Minister Helle Thorning-Schmidt of #Denmark. Sadly, no longer a 10. She shouldn’t be allowed to flirt with our president. I won’t allow it. Well, maybe I will. You know, I just start kissing and can’t stop. That’s me.

Prime Minister Alenka Bratusek of #Slovenia. Look at that face! You need to pay up your share of the expenses of NATO. Slovenia needs a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering Slovenia.

Prime Minister Sibel Siber of #Cyprus (North). A slob. Build a damn wall between North Cyprus and South Cyprus and make the South pay for it.

Prime Minister Erna Solberg of #Norway. Another Miss Piggy. She sits around tossing PokéBalls during a debate in Norway's parliament instead of paying attention. Yipes! You need to pay up your share of the expenses of NATO.

President Marie-Louise Coleiro Preca of #Malta. Look at that face! Would anyone vote for that? You need to pay up your share of the expenses of NATO.

Prime Minister Ewa Kopacz of #Poland. Another slob. Build a damn wall between Poland and Germany and make Germany pay for it.

President Simonetta Sommaruga of #Switzerland. Old and ugly. Look at that hair! Why don’t you join NATO, you cheap bitch?

President Kolinda Grabar-Kitarovic of #Croatia.  At least she has got a young and beautiful ass. You need a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering Croatia. You need to pay up your share of the expenses of NATO.

I’m sure if Trump is elected he’ll handle our foreign policy with aplomb.
​

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Trump Apologizes, Sort of for Sexist Banter

10/10/2016

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Sorry that I didn’t blog on Friday. I had a doctor’s appointment in NYC that took up most of my time on Wednesday and Thursday. I hope this will make up for it.
 
Trump Apologizes, Sort of for Sexist Banter
 
Donald Trump bragged using sexist terms trying to have sex with a married woman. WTF? Say it ain’t so, Joe, I mean Donald. The conversation was recorded, audio and a partial video, from a hot microphone. He was talking to Billy Bush, co-host on Access Hollywood in 2005. On the recording, Trump talks about a failed attempt to seduce a married woman. When the news broke (now in 2016) Trump replied, “This was locker room banter, a private conversation that took place many years ago. Bill Clinton has said far worse to me on the golf course - not even close,” Trump also said, “I apologize if anyone was offended.” He apologized! It’s hard to believe. I thought it was Trump policy to never apologize. Billy Bush has also apologized saying he was younger and less mature. Duh? Weren’t we all?
 
If anyone was offended? Was anyone offended? Yeah. When you’re running for President of the US, remarks like that offend half the population. Okay, to be fair, he wasn’t running for president at the time; it was 2005. Does anyone remember 2005? Apparently, some people do. No one was offended at the time. We all know that he has cleaned up his act since 2005 and his third marriage. Yeah, right.
 
The woman being spoken about has been identified as Nancy O’Dell, Billy Bush’s co-host. NBC has suspended poor Billy form the Today show saying, "there is simply no excuse for Billy's language and behavior on that tape."
 
Now I have spent a lot of time in locker rooms – I have a MS in PE – and I have heard a lot of “locker room banter.” This conversation was rather tame, actually mild for a men’s locker room.
There were seven other people on the bus with Trump and Bush at the time: the two-person camera crew, the bus driver, a producer, a production assistant, Trump’s security, and his PR person – all men. They were smart enough to keep their mouths shut. We can only guess that the PR guy was sleeping. I’m sure he was fired a long time ago.
 
Actually, the way Trump is treating Bill, I find it difficult to believe the two play much golf let alone shared exploits like this one. Maybe that’s why Trump is attacking Bill. Of course, unless Trump can produce another recording, it’s all hearsay. If Trump and Clinton were talking in the locker room, they were probably talking about golf. We hope. We want to hear what Bill Clinton said to Trump on the golf course. I suppose that Hillary does too. I’m sure she’ll ask, “Is it true?” And Bill will answer, “It was locker room banter, a private conversation that took place many years ago.” Yeah, right he will. Or he might say, “Define ‘is.’” We can only hope.
 
The Republicans are all befuddled – like a dog chasing its tail. It’s hilarious or maybe Hillary-ious. The GOP never seems to have anyone in charge. Its members just do whatever they want. No leadership. They should be picking their candidates not letting the candidates pick the party. They’re afraid to kick Trump out of the party because he donated so much money. All the Democrats need to do is to walk down and kill the wounded. How will Hillary keep a straight face during the next debate w is as the Republican Party implodes? I’m watching as I write this. Trump is being Trump – not good. The GOP’s reaction to Trump isn’t a breakdown in leadership. There has to be a leader before there can be a breakdown in leadership. The GOP has learned the hard way that nominating someone whose only quality is that he or she might get elected will always backfire. It’s far better to nominate the best man for the job and campaign like hell.
 
For e-books by me, visit http://smashwords.com/profile/view/monteranderson.
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    Author

    Monte is the author of several  e-books on Amazon and smashwords.com


    Buy Monte's e-books:
    The Throuple Private Eye--Business is Booming.
    ​​The Throuple Private Eye--Hate Crimes
    ​
    A Head for Murder
    The Register cliff Rapist
    The Clone Murders,
    Archimedes of Syracuse: Leonardo da Vinci's Mentor,
    Leadership for New Managers: Book Two

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