Monte R Anderson - Author
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Recon Report from the Third Planet – A Short Story (For Halloween)

10/30/2017

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Reconnaissance Report No. 78283 Third Planet in Solar System.

 Hail Supreme Leader,
 We recently concluded our reconnaissance of the small planet (named Earth by the inhabitants). Using our stealth technology and cloaking device we landed on Earth undetected. It was Star Date 92-84-18274. We learned later that the residents, known as earthlings, tell dates and time by the rotation of the planet and the orbit around their star. By Earth’s system, it was the thirty-first day of the tenth month of the year 2017.

As our protocol requires, we stayed hidden and observed for a few hours. The natives seem to live in small family units in dwellings they build. There was little activity at first. Apparently, they are nocturnal creatures. The few we saw were in vehicles with four wheels. However, after dark we got our first close look at earthlings. They moved about in small hunting groups consisting of a variety of creatures. Some were tall, about twice our size while others were short – about our size or even smaller. All had hideous features. A few carried weapons although we did not see them use them.

We decided to approach one group to see if they could take us to their leader. We couldn’t communicate with them, but they made us understand they wanted us to join their group. They were not frightened of us nor aggressive toward us. In fact, they were quite friendly. We followed them as they approached a dwelling. When the family unit came to the opening of the dwelling, the entire group yelled, in their language, “Trick or Treat”. We couldn’t determine what that meant but immediately, the occupants gave the creatures small gifts which they put in bags they carried for this purpose. We surmise the group threated to attack the dwelling unless a ransom was paid. They even offered us gifts which we accepted for further study. We discovered the gifts were food (too sweet for my taste). As we suspected, this was a hunting party seeking food. It included several different species, each more frightful than the next. They appeared to be without leaders. They moved as a group taking the food but never too much. They took enough food to last for a month or more.

During these visits to the dwelling we saw our first evidence of violence. In front of some of the dwelling, there were heads of another species that we never encountered. The heads were orange in color. Some wore a small green hat. Most of the heads had been hollowed out and a light placed inside. We never saw the rest of the bodies, only the severed heads. At first, we thought the intent was to frighten away these hunting parties, but it seemed to have no effect on them. They may serve as a trophy of some sort. Apparently, earthlings eat the brains of this species.

We also observed on or near the dwellings, small creatures with eight legs. They lived on webbing stretched between bushes or trees. They did not move when we approached and appeared to be dead or sleeping. If they were supposed to guard the dwellings, they did a terrible job. They may have been pets.
​

Based on our observations, we recommend that Earth be considered off limits to future contact since the earthlings are armed and dangerous. There doesn’t appear to be one dominate species, but several species that hunt together, but sometimes kill and eat each other.

Your Loyal Servant,
Commander, 1134 Recon Patrol

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Questions to Ask Your Partner Before Marriage

10/26/2017

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I read with interest an item on my newsfeed. “11 Questions to Ask Your Partner Before You Get Married.” It listed things like love, family, debt, values, emotions and other such nonsense. As usual with these list, they missed some very important questions you should ask your partner before you get married. Here are the other questions that should be asked and answered before getting married:
 12.  How fast can you field strip an AK47 or M16? The answer to this question is insightful. Whether it’s a deal breaker or not is up to you.
13.  Do you know how to make pipe bombs? This is like the question above, however, it isn’t a timed event.
14.  What did the voices in your head say about me? It’s important that the voice like you. If they don’t, there will be problems later.
15.  Are you terminally ill? This might be a deal breaker. A follow-on question might be, “How much insurance do you have?”
16.  Are you legally single? Don’t accept anything but a yes answer. “My divorce is pending,” is not a good answer. “I’m thinking about it.” is even worse.
17.  Do you have you have biological children? You probably should answer this question also.
18.  Were you ever on America’s Most Wanted or The Hunt with John Walsh? This could be a deal breaker.
19.  What cult do you belong to? This is a trick question. If your partner is in a different cult than you, it could be a deal breaker.
20.  Is your birth gender the same as your current gender? This may or may not be an issue with you but it’s good to know.
21.  Are you in this country legally? Make him/her show you their green card.
22.  Are you an extraterrestrial? No green card in this case.  
23.  Do you have your own place or are you living with your parents?
24.  Are you a registered sex offender, or on parole or work release program?
25.  Do you remember my safe word? This will be important if you take things to the next level.
I hope this helps you and your partner to make the big decision.
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October 23rd, 2017

10/23/2017

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I like TV. Okay, I may watch too much TV, and I tend to be critical, because I’m a writer. I’m getting sick and tired of some ridiculous actions and mistakes that so many scriptwriters make in TV scripts. When I see them, I want to scream. I know it’s fiction, but I do expect fiction to make some sense. Here’s what I’m talking about.:
 
1.      Violating Newton’s Laws of Gravity. I know you’ve all seen this one. The hero throws a rope or chain around the villain’s neck and throws the other end over a beam or tree branch. Then, believe it or not our hero hoists the villain off the ground. Here’s the problem – there’d no advantage without a pulley. The hero must weigh considerably more than the bad guy for this to work. It’s simple mechanics – Newton’s 2nd Law of Gravity (the sum of the forces on a mass) Therefore, the force applied by pulling down on the rope must be greater than the weight of the object, in this case, the villain, to raise the object. It doesn’t matter how strong the hero’s arms are unless his/her feet are anchored.

2.      Karate kicks that are too powerful. Here’s another common sight – our hero kicks an opponent and the opponent goes flying backwards through the air. No way. I have a second-degree black belt in Tae Kwan Do, so I know a little about it. Once again, it’s mechanics -- Newton's third law (for every force there is an opposite and equal force) If one person kicks another hard enough to make them fly backwards, the kicker also will fly backward. Think about it – the foot or fist is small compared to the body. It would be like a chisel hitting a stone. The target wouldn’t fly backwards, but a rib or two would break.

3.      Parking directly in front of building. This is another scene that bugs me. Our hero pulls up to a build and finds a parking spot right in front and there’s no meter. It what universe would that happen? I have lived in NYC, LA, Chicago, Washington D.C. and a few other big cities. It never happens. People must arrive very early to park in front, and there’s usually a meter. Our hero would have to park in a parking garage or parking lot farther away. It might happen in a rural area, small town or suburb but not in a big city.

4.      Ridiculous stake outs. The scene shows one or two detectives sitting in a car on a stakeout right in front of suspect’s house or work place. Usually, there seems to be a light under the dash. No one challenges them or even notices. It… would… never… happen. A nosey neighbor or neighborhood watch would notice. Even in a high crime area, people would suspect the detectives were drug dealers or narcs and alert the suspect.

5.      Extremely explosive hand grenades. You know the scene. Our hero throws a hand grenade and it explodes in a huge fire ball and people fly up into the air. That just blows my mind. Most grenades are fragmentation grenades that look like baseballs. They use a small explosive surrounded by a notched wire – no gas or fuel. Incendiary grenades look like beer cans and burn rather than explode. A hand grenade would not have a huge fire ball and wouldn’t blow people up into the air.

6.      Bad guys who are terrible shots. You would think that professional killers could at least hit the side of a barn when shooting. But no, our hero kills someone with every shot while the professional killers can’t seem to hit anything. The hero can run from cover to cover or through open terrain and it’s as if the bad guys are shooting blanks. Give me a break.

7.      Popping up to shoot. Our hero is behind a rock or some other bullet proof cover and periodically pops up to shot. Yeah, right. That would never work. The bad guys would take aim at that spot and shoot our hero as soon as he/she pops. It might work if our hero could move to a different spot before popping up.

8.      Breaking necks with a twist of the hands. Our hero grabs the head of a bad guy with two hands and twists, killing him instantly. Theoretically, it might work, but here’s the problem; the neck muscles are very strong. Even if the villain is totally relaxed and surprised, the body’s natural reaction is to resist. If it were that easy, there would be more deaths in wrestling. I have wrestled off and on for ten years. It ain’t that easy. Now there are way to break a person’s neck, but I won’t disclose them here. Also, a broken neck doesn’t always mean instant death.

9.      One punch knockout. This is like the broken neck. I’ve done a little boxing and a lot of karate, and on a few rare occasions I have seen one-punch knockouts, but they are rare. In some cases, the person has a glass jaw.

10.  Throwing knives. When I was in junior high, I wasted a lot of my time practicing throwing knives. It wouldn’t be the best choice to kill an opponent. If the thrower misses, the intended victim could use the knife. Throwing knives to cut wires or ropes – forget it.

11.  Ticking bombs. It’s a tense scene. Our hero must figure out which wire to cut while a clock nearby counts down the time in bold, red letters. What a laugh. Most bombs consist of a power supply (or just a switch), an initiator that causes the bomb to explode (often a blasting cap), an explosive and maybe something for shrapnel. If the explosive is like C-4, the bomb maker just sticks the blasting cap in the C-4. Therefore, if possible, the quickest way to render a bomb harmless is to pull out the blasting caps. Be sure to move them far away from the explosive.

12.  Stereotypical detectives. It seems in every detective show; the protagonist keeps some evidence secret or lies about it. They also chase leads and clues without backup and never call ahead to the local law enforcement to secure the suspect. Come on! They can’t all be rogues.

13.  Not wearing head protection. I am appalled when I see our heroes joining the SWAT team without heads protection. Say it ain’t so. At least they don’t get shot in the head.

14.  Holding the rope during rappelling. I love this one. Our hero rappels down a cliff while his/her partner (anchor) holds on to the other end. This might be possible if the anchor person is sitting and has some way to brace the feet. Otherwise, the anchor would be pulled over the cliff.

15.  Getting confidential information on patients from nurses and doctors. I go crazy when I watch a TV show where a detective (Chicago PD) or fireman (Chicago FD) goes up to the nurses’ station (Chicago Med) and asks about the status of a patient and is told. It’s a clear violation of HIPAA (the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act). It’s illegal for medical personnel to divulge medical information on patients without the patient’s consent. It could happen but probably won’t except in Chicago.

16.  Romance after a near death experience. I know you’ve seen this. Our hero and the significant other barely survive disaster. It could be a group of assassins, a natural disaster or space aliens trying to conquer the earth. Immediate the two decide this would be a great time to make out. Duh? I would think it would be a good time to change underwear, stay alert in case the monster returns or on of the killers is merely wounded, or catch some shut eye.

17.  Sex in the hospital linen closet. This is why I don’t like hospital shows. I used to work in a hospital. Believe me, if the linen closet was big enough for sex, the hospital would turn it not a patient room. It’s all about business and profit and loss.

18.  No sense of urgency. I know you’ve seen this. The captain tells detectives that thye have only a few minutes to save the day (stop the bomber, the killer, rescue the damsel) and they slowly walk off.

​19.  Sneaking up on the bad guys with a flashlight. I hate this. The police or heroes are sneaking up on the villains using flashlights. It’s the best way to alert them that the police are coming. Apparently, criminals can’t see a flashlight.

20.  Crawling in duct work. This mistake drives me nuts because I used to be a facility manager. To begin with, ducts aren’t made to support the weight of a person or persons. They’re suspend from the ceiling or beams by thin strips of metal. With one or two people inside, they would come crashing down. On TV, they appear to be 16X16 which is big. Ducts work like this, they come out of a furnace or air handler and progressively downsize as they supply heat or AC to a room. A duct vent in a room could be 12X4 – hardly big enough to crawl inside. They’re also filled with things like filters, smoke dampers and fire dampers. The best ducts are round, not rectangular. Just once I would like to see our hero fall into the furnace.

21.  Unlimited ammo. Writers are getting better at this, but there’re still scenes where our hero never runs out of ammo.

22.  Super lightweight machinegun ammo. This one is a little complicated. In the scene, our hero grabs a machinegun and begins killing hordes of zombies or whatever. So far so good. If he/she grabbed a M249 light machine gun (LMG), it weighs only 22 lbs. The ammo is the standard light 5.56x45mm NATO round. The M249 can fire 725-rounds per minute. If our hero carries 200 rounds of ammo, that’s about 7.2 lbs. That means he/she can shoot for about 15 seconds. But does our hero pick up the M249? No. Our hero picks up a M61 Vulcan, a hydraulically driven, six-barrel, Gatling-style rotary cannon which fires 20 mm rounds at a rate of 6,000 rounds per minute. Our hero would need a wagon or truck to carry enough ammo for one minute, and they’re heavy.

23.  Instant hacks. The crime TV shows give the impression that computer nerds can hack anything instantly. Not true. I expect to see a show where the electric tooth brush gets hacked.

24.  High speed transportation local and international with no jet lag. I know you’ve seen this one. Our hero has 48 hours to stop the criminal master mind before a weapon of mass (WMD) destruction is detonated in NYC. To stop the master mind, our hero must first fly to Moscow to locate the master mind’s partner, then fly to Antarctica to get the code book needed to defuse the WMD, then return to NYC during rush hour to save the city – all within 48 hours. Yeah, right.

​25.  Licking cooking spoon. This one I love. The scene is in the kitchen. The world renown chef is cooking something on the stove. He takes a spoon, tastes whatever is in the pot and places the germ-infested spoon with all his DNA and other bodily fluids back into the pot. No way. No professional chef would risk food poisoning or salmonella. I love to cook and even I know better than to do that.
26.   Noise in space. Here’s another one that drives me nuts. In outer space, there’s no air – it’s a vacuum (mostly). To make sound there must be air or something to transmit the sound. So why do we watch a space craft soar by with a roaring engine? It wouldn’t happen.
27.  Ear buds not detected. I enjoy watching TV shows like Scorpion, Quantico and Agents of Shield. If you are a fan, you know when the agents go undercover they use ear buds that transmit and receive so they can communicate. Everyone knows that. So why is it that the mega-corporate outfits that are behind all the evil in the world never bother to check in their ears when they do a pat down? Surely, at least one employee has a TV and watches the shows.    
28.  Cellphone reception. This is like the ear bud scenes above. Our hero is underground in a cave or under water in a submarine. He/she pulls out a cellphone and makes a call. WTF? I can’t even get reception in an elevator.
29.  Giving away the conspiracy. I think screenwriters do this for the audience. It happens in two ways: The criminal mastermind explains his/her plan, or the detectives explain their theory. You know the scenes. The mastermind is about to kill our hero. But before killing, he decides to explain to our hero his entire manifesto for world domination and enslaving mankind. Why? Because he like to hear himself talk, I guess. In the second scene, the detectives bring in their prime suspect, and during the interrogation revel to the suspect their working theory and all the evidence they have so far. Why? Because they’re stupid. I guess they think the suspect will confess on the spot.
30.  Liars. On TV crime shows every suspect, person of interest and witness is lying. Really? Has society sunk that low?
31.  Too close for comfort. This is another space thing. Our heroes fly in their space craft to rescue some space station or colony that is under attack by some other aliens. So, do they use their long-range scanners and engage from miles away with an advanced form of cruise missile or death ray? No, of course not. They get close enough to hit the aliens with a golf ball.
 
I hope these tips help your budding screenwriters. Best wishes.
For e-books by me, visit http://smashwords.com/profile/view/monteranderson.
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The Five People You’ll Meet in Hell

10/19/2017

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You may have read Mitch Albom’s novel, The Five People You Meet in Heaven. With a wink and a nod to Mr. Albom, I now present The Five People You Meet in Hell. Sorry, it’s a blog not a novel – maybe later.
 
Okay, you screwed up and you know it. You’re going to hell. No sweat, you say. You’ve many friends in hell, so you won’t be lonely. True. The company you keep puts you in hell. Here’s a clue; your enemies are there too, waiting for you. Here’re the five people who’ll meet you at the gates of hell when you arrive:
 
1. Your ex-girlfriend/ boyfriend and/or ex-spouse. Remember how you treated on your significant other? You cheated. You lied about it. You confessed and promised never to do it again. Then you cheated again and lied again. You thought you got away this last time. Your ex knows what you did and will confront you in hell. What you don’t know is that you caused your ex to have a crisis about his/her sexuality. He/she blamed him/herself more than you. Your ex went into therapy. Finally, he/she had a sex change operation. Your ex then joined a commune to “find him/herself.” In a freak accident, your ex smoked some loco weed that looked like marijuana. It was fatal. With his/her dying breath, he/she swore revenge on you.
 
2. Your best friend from high school/college? You remember your best friend? You two vowed to be best friends forever. That was until you stabbed your BF in the back. You stole your BF’s girl/guy. You did it without a thought of how you hurt him/her. What you don’t know is that your BF had trust issue after that. He/she never trusted anyone again. He/she became very bitter and mean. With no friends, your BF sat alone at home watching reruns of Gillian’s Island. It wasn’t cable or satellite, because your BF did not trust the installer to show up at all. In a freak accident, a flock of pigeons killed your BF while your he/she was feeding them.
 
3. Your old boss. You do remember your old boss? The one that didn’t give you that bonus or promotion. He said you didn’t achieve the goals set for you. He said you wasted time playing games on the computer and taking naps in the stockroom. It was all true. What you don’t know is that he didn’t get a bonus or promotion either. Your failure caused him to fail too. Eventually, the company fired him for poor performance. He couldn’t get another job because he couldn’t get a referral. The industry blackballed him. He became homeless and wandered around aimlessly – without goals. In a tragic accident, he was cooked to death due to a malfunction in the heating grate he was sleeping on. Investigators found your name scribbled on the side of his cardboard box with the words, “I’ll see you in hell.”
 
4. Your old school teacher. You must remember your old school teacher – the one you caused to have a nervous breakdown? She was a 30-year veteran but had never met anyone as bad as you. She even told you to your face if you ever go to hell, she would find you and kill you -- again. What you may not know is she gave up teaching and joined a street gang. For several years, she committed drive-by shootings of students. When her eyesight failed, she retired to a rural area in Montana. A black bear killed her when she tried to spank it after it climbed into her apple tree. She thought it was you. The police found a picture of you with your eyes gouged out in her cabin.
 
5. Jack Hodges. You remember Jack Hodges? Probably not. Everyone remembers him as One-eyed Jack. Your mom always told you not to throw pencils but when Jack asked to borrow a pencil, you threw it. Sure enough, he lost an eye. That was bad enough, but what you don’t know was worst. People bullied and teased One-eyed Jack the rest of his life. He finally had enough and chose a life of crime. One day the police caught up with him, and he died in a hail of bullets. The police said with his dying breath, he said it was all your fault.
 
So, have fun in hell.
For e-books by me, visit http://smashwords.com/profile/view/monteranderson.
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​

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An Email with an Offer – A Short Story (sort of)

10/16/2017

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I received this email the other day.

Dear Sir,




You don’t know me but I recently heard about you through a mutual friend. My name is Reverend John although you may have heard people call Pastor John. I’m an evangelist preacher and travel the country doing a revival tent show talking about the evils of alcoholism, drug abuse and other depravities. I usually get a couple of hundred people seeking redemption to attend my shows. I normally have a fellow with me who has fallen off the path. His name is Billy Joe. He has been a great help in my mission.
During my meetings, Billy Joe just sits near me on stage, He drinks out of a bottle in a paper bag. He is usually drunk but often just sleeping. He belchers, farts, leers at the women in the audience and otherwise looks and acts disgusting. During my preaching, I point at Billy Joe and tell everyone to change their sinful ways or they’ll end up like Billy Joe. It has a great effect on everyone.
Well, to get to the point, recently Billy Joe died. I’ve been looking for a replacement for him and your name was mentioned. If you’re available, I’d like to talk with you.

Sincerely,

Pastor John
 
It’s a tempting offer.
​

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The Haunting of New York City – A Short Story

10/12/2017

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John Hunter was stunned as he stood in Times Square. This was not the New York City he remembered from his youth. Of course, that was over 150 years ago. John was a ‘young-old ghost’ as the spirit community liked to call ghosts that died young a long time ago. Most ghosts are “ancient-old ghosts”, having died at an old age a long time ago. John decided to make the best of his situation and to start haunting. Haunting a city was certainly more interesting that haunting a Civil War battlefield and with a hole in his head, John figured he could still provide a good scare. 
 
He waited until a group of people approached him on the sidewalk. They were walking with their heads down as if praying. No matter, John decided to scare the hell out of them. He waited until they were just a few feet in front of him and then he manifested himself and yell “boo.”
 
No one even noticed. The closest person walked right through him without stopping or even looking up. John decided he needed to up his game. When the next group of people approached him, he removed his head and threw it at the closest person. Nothing happened. His head sailed right through the person, bounced down the street and rolled down the steps of a subway entrance.
 
John, or at least his head, lay on the subway platform wondering how in the world he was going to find the rest of his body when he heard laughter. He glanced over and saw a young man, a young ghost really, laughing at him. Finally, the young ghost walked over and picked up John’s head and held up so they were eye to eye.
 
“What are you laughing at?” John asked, irritated.
 
“Why, you of course. Let’s go find your body.” The young ghost carried John’s head under his arm and up the stairs to the street level. John’s body wasn’t hard to find; pedestrians were oblivious to it. They walked through it, not even bothering to lift their feet. The young ghost lifted John’s body and placed his head squaring on his neck. John looked down at his body. His head was backwards. He reached up and turned his head around. Then he looked around, found his kepis cap and placed it on his head.
 
“Oh,” exclaimed the young ghost. “You’re a soldier.”
 
John snapped to attention and saluted. “Private John Hunter, 22nd New York Volunteer Infantry at your service.”
 
The young ghost stuck out his hand. “Please to meet you, John. My name is Eston Morschauser.”
 
John shook Eston’s hand. “You’re young like me.”
 
“Well, I died young just last year. I guess I’m a ‘recent-young’ ghost as they say.”
 
“Maybe you can tell me what’s going on,” John said. “I tried to scare these people but they just ignored me. They keep looking at their hands. What’s going on?”
 
Eston laughed. “You’re way behind the times. Where have you been?”
 
“I was killed during the Battle of Antietam in Maryland when a Confederate sniper shot me.”
 
“In the head, I presume.”
 
John raised his eyebrows. “Yes, how’d you know?”
 
Eston poked a finger through the hole in John’s head.
 
John laughed. “Yeah, lucky shot.”
 
“So, what have you been up to the last 150 plus years?” Eston asked.
 
“I stayed on the battlefield marching in solemn formations every night for visitors at the Antietam National Battlefield.”
 
Eston shook his head. “That must have been boring.”
 
“Not for the first one hundred years. To tell the truth, each time I thought maybe this time we’ll win. But it was the same results every time.”
 
Eston laughed. “So, you finally asked for a transfer?”
 
“Yeah. Now can you tell me what’s going on. I can’t seem to scare anyone.”
 
“That’s because everyone is looking at their iPhones; playing games, reading emails or sending pictures,” Eston answered.
 
“Wait, wait. An eye phone? What’s an eye phone?”
 
Eston smiled. “Not that kind of ‘eye’. It’s a communication device, like a telephone.”
 
John shook his head which would have fallen again if he hadn’t held on to it. “What’s a telephone?”
 
“Wow,” Eston answered. “What war were you in?”
 
“The Civil War. I was killed in Sharpsburg, Maryland, on September 17, 1862. A sniper shot me at the Sunken Road during the Battle of Antietam.”
 
“Wow,” Eston said. “So that’s what, over 150 years ago? There’s been a lot of progress since then. We haunt things differently now days. I’ll show you how.” Eston looked around. As the next guy passed, he entered through his back and snatched the iPhone out of his hands. He brought it over to John.  “This is an iPhone.” The man stopped and started looking for his iPhone. When he saw Eston talking to John, he screamed and ran away.
 
John took the iPhone and looked it over. “You said it was a communication device. Where are the wires? How does it work without wires?”
 
“It’s wireless. I don’t have time to bring you up to date on all the progress made in 150 years. You just have to accept what I tell you. Okay?”
 
John nodded. “Okay. What do I do now?”
 
“Good,” Eston said. “We haunt these things now I’ll show you how to enter the operating system and tell you the type of things you can do there.” Eston spent the next thirty minutes explaining how an iPhone works. Finally, he said. “Most of the apps on the iPhone are paid for by advertisements. These ads pop up here and there; some from the top down, some from the bottom up and some from the sides. They can be very annoying. To drive a person mad, just make ads pop up one after the other.”
 
John didn’t know what an ‘app’ was but decided to hold his question. “It’s that easy?” he asked.
 
“Oh, yes. You can also mess with their e-mails.”
 
This time he had to ask. “What’s an e-mail?
 
Eston smiled. “It means electronic mail. People use it to send messages to each other. All you do is mess with the addresses. Just change the address to someone else. If the message says something intimate, send it to everyone in their address book. I once sent a bunch of emails from Hillary Clinton to the WikiLeaks.”
 
“I don’t know who those people are.”
 
 Eston smiled, “That bring me to sexting.”
 
“What’s that?”
 
Eston smiled even wider. “Sexting means taking a naked picture or picture of one’s privates and sending it to a boy or girlfriend.”
 
“Good. I’m a private. Take my picture.”
 
Eston laughed. Not that kind of private. It’s a picture of your… you know… your thing.”
 
John blushed. “I would never do that.”
 
“Not your thing. People…live people do that.” Eston saw that this news puzzled John. “Don’t ask me why, they just do and we can haunt that.”
 
“How do I do that?” John asked.
 
“Simple. Whenever you see someone sexting, you change the address to someone else. I like to use a parent, if I know it, but just about anyone will do.”
 
“And that works?”
 
“Oh, yeah,” answered Eston. “You should see what I did to Anthony Weiner. But the best haunting is with selfies.”
 
“What are selfies?” John asked.
 
“People now days, especially, young ones, like to take pictures of themselves alone or with someone and send to other people. When you see that they’re about to take a selfie, you jump into the background and manifest yourself in true ghostly fashion. We call it photobombing, and it will freak them out.”
 
John had seen only one camera in his entire life, but at least he knew what a photograph was. “Anything else?” he asked.
 
“Are you kidding? There are a million ways to possess a cellphone. One of my favorites uses the GPS.”
 
John sighed. “And what, pray tell is a ‘GPS’?”
 
“It stands for Global Positioning System. It uses satellites to triangulate the position of a cellphone.”
 
John had no idea what ‘satellites’ were or what it meant to’ triangulate’, but he was overwhelmed and let it pass. “So, what do you do to the GPS?”
 
“Whenever someone asks for directions, you change them. You know, send them the wrong way on a one-way street or take them miles out of the way. It drives people crazy.”
 
“Anything else? I can’t handle much more.”
 
“Okay, one more and you’ll love it. Some cellphones use artificial intelligence and an artificial voice. People can talk to them and they talk back. Two popular ones are Siri and Cortana. All you do is take over the voice and talk in a creepy, voice and maybe with a hideous laugh. It will freak people out.”
 
John laughed. “Now I like that. I’ll try it.”
 
“Well, that’s enough for now. That’s the basics. “Oh, before I forget, Halloween is October 31. All the ghosts in the city get together and ride the subways all night. I’ll come to get you after sundown. Happy haunting and welcome to New York City”
 
John said, “Thanks.”
 
THE END
​
For e-books by me, visit http://smashwords.com/profile/view/monteranderson.
Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/monteranderson
Follow my blog at http://monteranderson-author.com or http://monteranderson.wordpress.com
​

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Harvey #Weinstein to Undergo "Intensive Therapy" for Sexual Harassment

10/10/2017

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Rumor has it that Harvey Weinstein, cofounder of Miramax, will undergo intensive therapy for sexual harassment. Thirteen women have accused him of sexual assault over a 20-year period. Apparently, there’s no truth to the rumor that the Harvey Wallbanger cocktail was named after Mr. Weinstein.
 
Intensive Rehabilitation Therapy for Harvey Weinstein

I obtained a copy of the “intense therapy” proposed for Harvey Weinstein from a confidential source. The program known as Bogus and Unauthentic Legalized Larceny and Spurious Hypocritical Intense Therapy (BULLSH*T) is used successfully to help celebrities and politicians keep their reputations. This intense therapy is intended to last for one week. Below is a copy of the curriculum.

Sunday Optional Mixer
Join us in a mixer for all attendees Sunday night at 7 PM until whenever. Meet the instructors and fellow celebrities, politicians and executives who have fallen from grace. Open bar and free #marijuana tasting (not yet available in all states).

Monday Session
How to Hold a Press Conference 101. Learn how to deny charges without using the telltale signs for lying. Learn how to say, “intense therapy” with a straight face. Learn how to publicly apologize and look sincere. Enjoy a panel discussion with panelists #LanceArmstrong, #EliotSpitzer, #BillClinton, and #AlexBaldwin.

Tuesday Session
Creating a Culture of Misogyny: Learn such techniques as wearing sunglasses all day to hide your eyes. Learn how to ask women (or men) in your office not to wear underwear. Instructor Bob Filner, ex-Mayor of San Diego, California, #BillCosby, actor and special guest instructor #POTUS Donald #Trump.

Wednesday Session
How to Build a Secret Family: Learn how to hide illegitimate children from expert Arnold #Schwarzenegger, ex-Governor of California.

Thursday Session
Sexting for Beginners: Learn the basis of sexting from sexting expert #AnthonyWeiner. NOTE: This session has been canceled due to a prior engagement for Mr. Weiner. Instead we offer How to Pay Women to Keep Their Mouths Shut cohosted by #RogerAiles and #BillO’Reilly. We are sorry for any inconvenience.
​
Friday Session
Yes, You Can Keep Your Old Job. Instructors #MarkSanford, re-elected Congressman for South Carolina and #DavidLetterman, former host of the Late Show.
 
Closing Ceremony: Immediately following the Friday morning; Graduation ceremony for those who have not dropped out of the program or been arrested.
 
We wish Harvey well during his therapy.
 
For e-books by me, visit http://smashwords.com/profile/view/monteranderson.
Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/monteranderson
Follow my blog at http://monteranderson-author.com or http://monteranderson.wordpress.com

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Good Neighbors, a Short Story

10/9/2017

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I post this short story every year about this time. It’s one of my favorites. I hope you enjoy it.
 
Good Neighbors, a Short Story
 
Weeks of obsessive tending and gentle turning ensured a blue ribbon for his biggest pumpkin next weekend. His chest puffed with impending pride as he fantasized about the envious stares of the other town folk, including that attractive, stuck-up woman next door, who always looked through him, not at him.

An easterly wind was starting as he watched the sky darken. The wind felt cool against his skin compared to the moist warm weather that soaked him in sweat as he hoed around his pumpkin earlier. As bright, painted leaves rained on his crop, he heard an infant's cry and turned his head toward the top of the hill. Under the old maple, his stuck-up neighbor was shielding a bundle from the wind, fumbling with her blouse. Probably trying to breast-feed the baby, he thought. He felt a little sorry for her; a single mother with an infant. He tried to be a good neighbor, but her stuck up attitude kept him at a distance. Maybe she did not trust men any more. He paid her no mind. He was single too and had his own problems.

He wondered what she was doing at the top of the hill but then recalled seeing her walking the narrow path to her girlfriend’s house about half a mile beyond his own house. His hat was torn from his head as the wind grew stronger. He looked at the distant clouds moving at a great speed toward him. The horizon was a solid wall of clouds that gave a greenish tint to the sky. He had seen enough to recognize the signs -- tornado!

Looking back at the maple tree, he could see the mother had knelt down by the base to shelter her baby. Realizing that a tornado could tear the old tree apart in seconds, he shouted to warn her, but his voice was drowned out in the strong wind. He ran to the top of the hill as fast as he could. When he reached her he shouted, “You can’t stay here. Too dangerous!” Half pulling, half jerking, he got her up with the baby.

“Where?” she yelled. The noise was as loud as the 7:20 freight train that passed through town every night without stopping.

He looked back at his house; too far! He looked at her house; even farther! He yelled back at her, “Come with me.” He cradled the baby in one arm, and then led her by the other. If they could make to his pumpkin patch, and lie down behind his prize pumpkin, they just might have enough protection. Placing the baby as close to the pumpkin as possible, he had the mother shield it with her body as he covered her body with his.

The wind grew stronger and louder then it grew quiet again. Peering over the top of the pumpkin, he saw the tornado rise up into the clouds and pass overhead without doing any damage. They had been spared along with their houses. He looked over at his crop fields to see how much damage was done to the corn, and saw a wall of hail the size of golf balls cutting through the corn as clean as a sickle, destroying everything in its path.

The hail would reach them in seconds. He realized that they would be injured in their exposed position. Without a word he pulled the woman to her feet and placed the baby in her arms. He was frantic. Picking up his hoe, he swung at his prize pumpkin. After two or three tries, the shell split open. He dropped the hoe, and used his hands to scoop out the insides. The woman realized what he was doing and began helping. When the pumpkin was half-empty she placed the baby inside the pumpkin. He helped her get inside as much as possible with the baby, covering them with the pumpkin rinds. Her legs were exposed, so he laid down on them, and spread his hands over her thighs to cover as much of her as possible.

Hail began to pelt them just as he was finishing. At first, a few struck him, but they hurt like hell. Then they came down by the hundreds. He tried not to yell as they hit him across his back, legs, and head. He knew he was going to be black and blue in the morning. After a couple of minutes, it was over. Mother and baby crawled out of the pumpkin covered in juice and seeds. He hurt in so many places that he did not know which spots to rub first.

She looked at the ice from the hail in his hair and clothes, and brushed it out. He began to pick off pumpkin seeds from the baby’s face and from her hair. She smiled, and they both began to laugh. She wiped her face with her sleeve, and then his face, kissing his cheek after she wiped it. “You saved us,” she said. “Thank you.” They both looked down at the shattered pumpkin. “Was that your pumpkin that you were going to enter into the fair?”

“Yeah! Well, I can grow another one next year. But it could have been worst. We could have been killed. A prize pumpkin is no big loss.”

“Well, you are very brave. It was quick thinking on your part. You are my hero. Are you hurt?”
“I don’t know. Are hero’s supposed to feel like a punching bag?”

“I guess so. Sometimes. As you said, it could have been worst. I will tell you what; I need to take the baby home, and clean her up. Why don’t you save some of this pumpkin, and come over to the house later? I will make some pumpkin pies. I may have a salve for those bruises too.”
​
“Okay,” he answered. This may be the start of a new good neighbor policy, he thought.
 
THE END

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The Advantages to Being over 70 Years Old

10/7/2017

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Now that I have achieved the ripe old age of 70, I’m trying to count my blessing and see the advantages of being ancient. Here’s what I came up with so far:
1.      You’re too old to die young. Besides, only the good die young.
2.      You no longer have to remember things like birthdays, anniversaries, names of your grandchildren, the name of your significant other, etc. People will assume you have the early stages of dementia.
3.      You get the senior discount. You get the senior discount usually starting at 55.
4.      Most clerks will stop asking for ID. After a while you’ll look so damn old, everyone will assume you’re over 21.
5.      You can retell the old jokes because the youngest generation never heard them. That’s if you can remember them.
6.      Smoke, eat whatever, and drink. It won’t shorten your life by much.
7.      Your significant other won’t have high expectations in the bedroom. As a side note, any sex after 70 is great.
8.      You get a break on your taxes. The best thing to do is to spend your children’s inheritance.
9.      People will assume you’re wise whenever you give advice. Old folks just look wise. People assume if you live long enough, you should learn something. The wisest thing to do is to not give any advice.
10.  You can easily embarrass your children and grandchildren. My favorite is to wear black socks with Bermuda shorts and sandals. A great prank is close your eyes and hold your breath as long as you can. My other favorite is to grab your chest and yell, “I’m coming Martha. It’s the big one.” That last one if from Sanford and Son, a 70’s TV show (just google it).
 Perhaps you can think of a few others – let’s hear them.
For e-books by me, visit http://smashwords.com/profile/view/monteranderson.
Follow me on Twitter at
http://twitter.com/monteranderson
Follow my blog at http://monteranderson-author.com or http://monteranderson.wordpress.com


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Police Need Better Non-Lethal Weapons

10/2/2017

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    Author

    Monte is the author of several  e-books on Amazon and smashwords.com


    Buy Monte's e-books:
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    The Clone Murders,
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