Monte R Anderson - Author
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      • Night Predator
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  • Stories from Elmira

Don't Panic -- A Halloween Short Story

10/31/2018

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​His shiny black eyes stared up at her from her lap as she admired his permanent red smile. Fingering his tiny overalls, she pictured the little ones' faces, pressed against the icy windowpanes, waiting for her to arrive with another basket of her lifelike, homemade gifts. She put the last strand of hair in place. As she inserted the needle to tie a knot, the doll lurched in her hand, and a high-pitched voice yelled, “That hurt!”
 
She stared at the doll squirming in her hand. Okay don’t panic, she thought. The Doctor said this could happen. This is not real. The doll grabbed the needle and stabbed her leg. She jumped up, dropping the doll to the floor. She watched in disbelief as the doll ran into her bedroom. Well, I certainly felt that. She lifted up her dress and saw a small drop of blood where the needle stuck her. She touched her finger to the drop of blood and then put her finger into her mouth. It tastes like blood. I need to renew the prescription.
 
She walked toward the bedroom to get her jacket. She never saw the lamp cord strung ankle high across the doorway. She tripped and fell forward, striking her head on the corner of her dresser and landing on the floor unconscious.
 
Twenty-four hours later.
 
Chief Williams flashed his badge at the officer at the door and walked inside. He saw detective Sam talking to a young woman in the living room. Sam looked up and came over to greet him.
“What have we got, Sam?” Chief Williams asked.
 
“I think we have a suicide, but you won’t believe it. Take a look and then let me explain.”
Sam gestured toward the bedroom and both men walked over to the door. “Brace yourself!” said Sam. You ain’t seen no suicide like this.”
 
Chief Williams entered the room. On the floor was a young woman laying on her back. A plastic bag was over her head and tied around her neck with a lamp cord. One of her arms was tied by the wrist to a leg of her bed with a cord while the other arm was tied to her dresser. All around the body lay pint-sized homemade dolls.
 
The Chief looked at Sam, “She’s tied up.”
 
“I know Chief, but I have seen it before. She made a loop like a noose on one cord and tied it to the bed. Then when she was ready, she tied the other hand, lay down and slipped her wrist through the loop. Once pulled tight, she couldn’t untie it. That way if she panicked, she couldn’t chicken out. Check the knot on her right wrist. It’s a slip knot.”
 
Chief Williams bent down to exam the knot. Then he glanced over to the young woman’s face.
“Damn!” he exclaimed and stepped back.
 
“That’s the part I was warning you about,” said Sam.
 
“Are her lips sewn together?”
 
“Yeah, like a voodoo head or something. Her nose too. The sewing needle’s still attached. That alone would have killed her. The plastic bag was just an extra measure.”
 
“And you consider this a suicide?” asked the Chief.
 
“Yeah. The woman in the other room is her sister. She said the vic was recently diagnosed with schizophrenia, so she called her every day. When she did not get an answer for twenty-four hours, she called the police. She IDed the body.”
 
The Chief ordered one of the officers, “Check the medicine cabinets. See what she was taking.” Turning back toward Sam, “What else?”
 
“No sign of forced entry. The door was locked and bolted from the inside. We cannot find any other fingerprints except for the vic’s. Also, no sign of a struggle. No sign of sexual assault.”
 
“Any note?”
 
“Nope. We checked her e-mails too. Her sister thinks it was suicide.”
 
An officer strode over and handed the Chief a hand full of pill bottles. The Chief examined the bottles. “No. No. Ah Ha!” Holding up two bottles for Sam to see, “Olanzapine and fluoxetine! Commonly used for the treatment of schizophrenia. Both empty.”
 
“How did you know that?” asked Sam.
 
“I just know things,” said the Chief, handing the bottles back to the uniformed officer. “Call the pharmacy and find out if she called in a subscription. But why go to all the trouble of sewing your mouth and nose shut? That had to be painful. Wouldn’t it be easier just to overdose with pills?”
 
“But if she was hallucinating maybe she did not feel the pain.”
 
“Could be. Keep checking for clues that someone else was here.”
 
“Chief!” called an officer from the phone, “The pharmacy says she called in a refill four days ago but never picked it up.”
 
“Thanks.” Then half aloud, “She ran out of her meds.”
 
The Chief walked over and stood over the body to examine one of the dolls. The doll looked at him and said, “What are you looking at, fat boy?” The chief picked up the doll and put it into his coat pocket. Okay, don’t panic. The doctor said this might happen occasionally. It is just a hallucination. Forgot to take my meds this morning, that’s all.
 
THE END

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10 Things Every College Student Should Do Before Graduation… Or not.

10/29/2018

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​I read with interest a while ago an article by Peter Jacobs published in Business Insider. The title was, “10 Things Every College Student Needs to Do Before Graduation,” a bucket list of sorts. Even though it has been a long time since I graduated college, I don’t agree with Peter. When one considers that these students will be looking for jobs after graduation, I feel some of Peter’s bucket list might even be harmful. I posted Peter’s bucket list below, followed by my comments:     
1.      Write an article for a campus publication. As innocent as this may seem, the subject matter is very important. Just before graduation might not be the best time for your article on how to cheat on your taxes and not be caught.    
2.      Crash a party where you don't know anyone and make a friend. Peter should clarify this. I don’t think a drinking party is the ideal party to crash even if you “like beer”. Try the Tea Party or the Democratic Party.    
3.      Take a trip off campus and explore your surrounding area. No argument here. Just don’t get mugged.    
4.      Take pride in where you go by showing off your school to a prospective student. Okay but show the academic stuff, not where to buy drugs or pick up dates.    
5.      Go to a game against your school's biggest rival and be the loudest voice in the stands. Sounds innocent enough, but stop and think; do you want your picture on YouTube for looking and acting outrageous before your interview for that job as a financial planner? Don’t paint your face in your school colors.
6.      Sit in on a lecture just because you are interested in the subject matter. Try to stay awake. Take along your friend from the party you crashed.    
7.      Take advantage of the sunshine and spend your day drinking. Repeat at night. Ill-advised at best. Moderation in everything. Do not take selfies and post them to the internet while drinking. Do not drive while drinking. Do not try to pick u[ women while drinking.   
8.      Attend an event from a friend’s culture and learn something about his or her background. This could be the friend you made at the party you crashed. Let’s hope he’s sober. Be careful of which culture you select. Avoid the extreme left or right (Nazi, KKK, etc.).
9.      Sing along to your alma mater whether you know the words or not. Here is a trick I learned as a leader in scouting where they sing many camping songs. Just keep mouthing the word “alligator.” It looks like you know the words. Of course, if you’re attending a lecture, crashing a party, or attending a cultural event, why not learn the words to your alma mater? If you are going to take pride in the school you attend and be the loudest at a school sporting event, why would you not know your alma mater? 
10.  See something that makes you angry? Protest it. Angry? Again, do you want a misdemeanor or felony on your record just before you start your job search? Perhaps you should sign up for that anger management class that your significant other suggested. Pick something relative. For example, if you plan to go into the law field, protest lawyer jokes.
 
This bucket list of sorts should keep you busy until graduation. Good luck.

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Hyphenated Marriages

10/25/2018

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The current tread when two people get married seems to be to use both last names separated with a hyphen rather than one name. Decedents of the following celebrities should probably avoid hooking up with certain decedents of other famous celebrities:
Will Smith (actor) + Jack Black (comedian) = Black-Smith
Kate Snow (journalist) + Lucille Ball (comedian) = Snow-Ball
Jack Black + Lucille Ball = Black-Ball         
Martin Short (comedian) + Courteney Cox (actress) = Short-Cox
Oliver North (political commentator) + Clint Eastwood (actor/director) = North-Eastwood
Seth Green (actor) + Zane Grey (writer) =   Green-Gray
Michael Fox (actor) + Catfish Hunter (baseball player) = Fox-Hunter
Courteney Cox + Catfish Hunter = Cox-Hunter
Shilow Strong (actor/director) + Leslie Mann (actress/comedian) = Strong-Mann
Martin Luther King (civil rights activist) + Steve McQueen (actor) = King-McQueen
Martin Short + Bernadette Peters (actress, singer) = Short-Peters
Warner Wolf (sports broadcaster) + Michael Fox = Wolf-Fox
Jack Black + Betty White = Black-White
Two people with hyphenated names probably should avoid these combinations:
Wolf-Fox + Horse-Crane (Crazy Horse, Indian chief + Bob Crane, actor) = Zoo for short.
Black-White + Green-Gray = Camouflage for short.
 
I hope this helps you decided on your new married name.
​

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20 Not So Subtle Signs That You May Have Screwed Up

10/22/2018

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Here is a list of some of the indicators that you may have screwed something up:
1. Your pet gives you the silent treatment and won’t speak to you.
2. Your mother unfriends you on Facebook.
3. You GPS tells you, “Get lost.”
4. Your boss starts calling you Mr./Ms. plus your last name.
5. Your dad cuts you out of his will even though he doesn’t have anything.
6. Your kids send you an email stating that they found a sibling that they never knew they had.
7. You wake up and you’re not sure what town you are in.
8. HR wants to talk to you about your secretary.
9. The sex video you made is no longer on your computer.
10. The IRS left a message on your voice mail.
11. Your lawyer won’t return your calls.
12. The CFO wants to talk with you about your business trip to Vegas.
13. Your boss now calls you “Stupid.”
14. Some guy named Slasher leaves a message that the Don wants to talk to you.
15. The FBI would like to talk to you.
16. When you come home, your house is covered with crime scene tape.
17. You find a group of reporters waiting for you when you arrive at work.
18. Your car explodes in the parking lot.
19. You realize that you are being followed by a drone.
20. All your credit cards are declined.
These less than subtle signs should tell you that there is trouble brewing ahead.
​

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The Not So Subtle Signs You’re About to be Fired

10/19/2018

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​I have seen several articles lately about the subtle signs you are about to be terminated. What about the obvious, not so subtle signs? Here is a list of some of the indicators that you may be the next employee terminated:
1. You show up at work and your company has moved without leaving a forwarding address.
2. You arrive at work and a SWAT team is about to break down your office door.
3. Your car is towed out of the company parking lot.
4. A new employee is sitting at your desk.
5. Your favorite food is no longer served in the company cafeteria.
6. Housekeeping drops off a bunch of cardboard boxes at your desk.
7. Your administrative assistant is sending out resumes.
8. Recruiters start calling you at home.
9. You’re not notified of an emergency meeting of a committee that you’re on.
10. Your password to the company computer doesn’t work. No one returns your calls or e-mails. People cancel appointments with you. Your telephone has been disconnected. Your key to the executive bathroom doesn’t work. (Take the hint.)
11. A new roster of employees no longer lists you. A new organization chart no longer shows your department.
12. Your friends start sending you e-mails asking if you’re okay. Other employees stop by your office to say that they will miss you.
These less than subtle signs should tell you that you are soon to be history at that company.

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#Myths about Butts Debunked

10/15/2018

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I recently blogged about debunking myths about the brain. I thought today I would continue in that vein and debunk the myths about butts (asses):

1. Some people have their “head up their ass.” Not true. You can try this at home. No way will your head fit up your butt or anyone else’s butt.  This is like someone who “can’t find their butt with both hands”.

2. Some things are “half assed.” Okay, this one’s true. People can live with half an ass. Of course, they must be careful not to fall into the toilet. In some cases, surgeons might remove half an ass. In normal cases, individuals have been known to lose half their ass on a diet.

3. People may say that they “lost their ass” in an investment or gambling. Not true. No one would want to accept an ass as an investment or a wager. 

4. It is possible to get an “ass chewing.” Okay, this one is true too but not the way you think. While it is possible to eat an ass, it is not recommended except in extreme circumstances. However, in the case of consenting adults in the privacy of their bedroom, some ass chewing may occur.

5. Some people are “butt heads” or “ass holes.” Not true - heads and butts are not interchangeable parts in spite of what some surgeons might say. The butt has no brain. Stupid people should correctly be called “brain dead”, clueless or thoughtless but “butt head” or “ass hole” is simply not correct. While it’s possible to “butt heads” (note the use of “butt” as a verb) with someone, that is an entirely different thing and usually ends in one of the parties being injured or fired.

6. It is possible to “kick ass” or “kick butt.” This is true. This phenomenon happens often in professional sports. It shouldn’t be taken: literally, but sometimes people do need a swift kick in the pants.

7. Some people are “ass kissers” or “brown nosers.” This one is also true but not in the way most people think. The common misperception is that it applies to a worker who kisses up to the boss. It would be rare if there was any real “ass kissing” taking place. Real “ass kissing” takes in the bedroom between consenting adults (read #4, reference “ass chewing” above). “Brown nosers” are really “ass kissers” who have gone too deep or missed the mark.

8. People may “butt-in” or “butt-out”. This should not be confused with belly buttons that are either inner or outers. Yes, some butts, in fact must, stick out and may be called “butt-outs”. The “butt-in” is very rare.

9. Someone could be the “butt of a joke”. This might even be called a “rump roast”. It is true, someone could be the butt of a joke. It might be humorous but it’s cruel, especially if the victim doesn’t realize it.

10. Might “bust your butt”. This is a thing. You might bust your butt. Thank means you have broken your coccyx, a small, bone at the bottom of the spine. It’s very painful but seldom fatal.

11. Your “butt is on the line”. This usually means you could get fired for something you have done. If you’re lucky, you’ll just get the traditional “ass chewing”. (See number 4 above.)

12. “butt floss”. Not a thing. You can’t buy butt floss. You will still have to use toilet paper.

13. You might “work your butt off” or “bust your ass” or even “work your tail off”. Not true. You can’t work your butt off. You can work hard, but your butt will still be there. In some cases, you might lose half your butt while dieting.

14. You could have a “pain in the butt” or a “pain in the ass”. This is a thing. IT is a symptom of the busted butt (Number 10 above). See your doctor right away.

15. You might be called “butt ugly”. This might be a thing. The truth is that most butts aren’t ugly. In fact, some might be called cute. Still, it’s considered an insult.
​
I hope this helps to debunk the numerous myths about butts.

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Brain Myths Debunked

10/12/2018

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​I read with interest an article about the seven most common myths about the brain. In an ASAP Science video, Mitchell Moffit and Gregory Brown explained why they aren't true. I’ll just summarize the article. The myths are:
 
1. A bigger brain is better (smarter). Not true.
2. Alcohol kills brain cells. Not true, thank goodness.
3. Drugs create "holes" in your brain. Not true. Again, thank goodness.
4. The brain has 100 billion cells. Not true. The brain has only 86 billion brain cells. I get light headed thinking about it.
5. People use only 10% of your brain. Not true (unless you’re a politician).
6. People are either "left-brained" or "right-brained." Not true.
7. People have only five senses: sight, smell, taste, hearing, and touch. Also, not true. People also have a sense of balance, temperature, time, pain and proprioception (the body awareness that helps us not walk into things all the time). Makes sense to me.

I believe that Moffit and Brown missed a few myths. As a public service, I will present them here:

1. A “No Brainer.” Not true. If someone’s a no brainer, meaning they have no brain, then they are a zombie. At least, I don’t think zombies have brains.

2. “Blow your mind” or be “mind blowing.” Again, not true. If something blows your mind, once again, you become a zombie.

3. “Mind altering” or “mind expanding.” Not true. You brain is what it is. Once you become an adult, it is fully grown. It may shrink as you grow older but won’t expand. “Mime” altering is something else entirely.

4. Eating cold ice cream will make your “brain freeze.” Not true. Opening the top of your head on a cold day will freeze your brain.

5. Your brain can get a “brain cramp” or a “brain fart”. “Not true. Muscles cramp, not brains. Brains can’t fart either. The correct term should be “senior moment’ which can occur at any age.

6. Some people have only “half a brain.” Okay, this one might be true, especially if you’re a politician. This phenomenon can be observed on the news all the time. In July, someone in Fairfax County, VA crashed a $300,000 McLaren 720S after owning for one day. Police suspect he had only half a brain.
 
7. “A penny for your thoughts.” Due to inflation, the true cost is 26.5 cents for a thought. People who work for a penny a thought are under paid. This is especially true for writers and bloggers like me.
​
8. Someone can get “inside your head” or “mess with your head.” Not true, unless you’re a surgeon. Alcohol can get into your head and mess with your head but not people. If you really want to mess with someone’s head just ask, “You’re not going to wear that, are you?”
 
9. People can be “brain dead.” This one’s true. When people are brain dead, the body soon follows, and they are declared totally dead. Once that happens they are either buried, become zombies (see #1 above), get elected to congress, get nominated for the SCOTUS, or become a candidate for President.
 
10. People can be “scatter brained.” Not true. Your brain is contained in your scull and can’t scatter. This should not be confused with having your “brains scattered” by some horrible accident.
 
I hope this helps to debunk the numerous myths about the brain.

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Politics Can be #Ethical if the Rules are Changed

10/8/2018

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It seems that the US has just one problem after another and crisis following crisis. All these problems cry out for solutions. Usually the solution is counter-intuitive, simple but difficult, or oblivious (the gorilla in the room). Ethics in politics seems to be a major issue. Upon closer examination, I find the solutions for ethics in politics are obvious. Here are my recommendations:

1. I am a firm believer that we should provide all elected leaders with concubines (professional mistresses). If the public would acknowledge that people in power attract people of the oppose sex and may succumb to temptation, then this solution makes sense. This would eliminate the rumors, sneaking around, the embarrassment, the excessive costs, the spending of tax payers’ money and campaign contributions, Non-Disclosure Agreements (NDA), hush money and the resignations of otherwise perfectly good politicians. These concubines would be on the payroll and paid according to the level of office. If an official does not want a concubine, he or she must take a vow of celibacy.

2. Politicians should not speak directly to reporters, voters or the public. They should wear a mask similar to Darth Vader of #StarWars. A picture of their face on the mask is optional. Their speech would have a built-in five second delay. When they talk, a panel of censers would have five seconds to intervene. Each censer would have a button like #America’sGotTalent. One censer would focus on sexist remarks and women’s issues. Another would focus on racist remarks and civil rights. The third censor would concentrate on homophobic remarks and gay rights. The forth censor would focus on stupid remarks. The last censer would be a fact checker. Checking facts takes more than five seconds, so the censer must approve all facts before the politician speaks. If the politician attempts to quote a fact not approved earlier, this censor would intervene. If any of the censors hits their button, the intended remarks are replaced with the words, “No comment.” If three censors hit their buttons, the remarks are replaced with, “I’ll get back to you on that issue.” If all five censers hit their buttons, the remarks are replaced with, “Sun Tzu says, ‘You can’t make a snake straight by pushing it through a pipe.’” Since no one knows what the hell that means, the speech will end without further questions.

3. Prior to the #Primary election, all candidates should pose nude. This will prevent future problem with selfies, etc. Voters can say, “Okay, now that we have seen you, keep it in your pants.”

4. Bribes should not be secret. A new law would state that bribes are okay but must be public. Bribes would not go to the individual but must go to his or her campaign or, if in office, to the national budget. The bribe must cover all the costs associated with the action desired at no increase in budget, taxes or cost to the people. For example, if someone wants a bridge to nowhere, the bribe must cover all the associated costs of installing and operating the bridge.

5. Prior to the Primary election, candidates must submit to a drug test by an independent lab. The oath of office should include a vow of sobriety. Once in office, officials would be subject to random drug tests twice per month. Come on! We do this in other professions. Let’s get serious.

6. Elected officials must attend rehab prior to taking the oath of office. This will prevent their absence while in office. While we are at it, this should also take sensitivity training.
​
AUTHOR’S NOTE: To the humorously challenged, this is a satire -- maybe.

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Subtle Signs that People Aren’t Listening to You

10/6/2018

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I read with interest an article about a new book, Power Cues: The Subtle Science of Leading Groups, Persuading Others, and Maximizing Your Personal Impact, by Nick Morgan. He talked about all the fake listening that people do while they act as if they are listening to you. He listed seven:
1. Their eye contact is too fixed, and their heads are too still.
2. They smile too brightly and for too long.
3. They tap their fingers.
4. They fidget.
5. Their body is turned away from you.
6 Their feet are pointed towards the door.
7. They don't mirror your body language.

This got me to thinking about other subtle ways you can tell people are not listening to you. Here are ten more:
1. They fall asleep. This is a dead giveaway.
2. They don’t notice when you stop talking.
3. You ask them a question and they just nod their heads.
4. They tell you in English that they don’t speak English.
5. They wave a crucifix and a strand of garlic at you and attempt to drive a stake into your heart.
6. They let their dog pee on your shoes.
7. They put coins into your coffee cup and walk away.
8. They hold up a lapel pin and ask you to speak into it.
9. They steal your watch and wallet.
10. They fake a heart attack so they don’t have to listen to you.

​If you notice this type of behavior, stop talking. Your audience has stopped listening to you.

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Detective Show Spoof

10/1/2018

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​This short screenplay won third place in a contest hosted by Devil’s Party Press. I have edited it for my blog. Enjoy!
 
Detective Show Spoof
 
Typical hotel bedroom. Man and woman in bed making love. The woman is on top. Camera shots from six different angles. Close up on MARTHA ANDREWS’ face.
 
Cut to front of hotel. CHRIS ANDREWS enters, walks through lobby, takes elevator to 44th floor, walks down hallway, stops at a room, takes out a set of burglary tools and picks the lock. Opens door and walks in.
 
CHRIS: Martha?
 
MARTHA: Chris! Don’t you ever knock?
 
CHRIS: Martha! What is going on?
 
MARTHA: (jumping out of bed and pulling a sheet around herself) Don’t be stupid. You can see what is going on. Or can’t you remember?
 
CHRIS: Why, Martha? I love you. I will forgive you.
 
MARTHA: I love you too. I will always love you. I am just not in love with you.
 
CHRIS: What the hell does that mean?
 
MARTHA: I don’t know. It’s in the script. I just read the lines. I do not have to understand them.
 
CHRIS: Who is this guy?
 
MARTHA: Who? I’ll tell you who. It is a man who loves me. He loves me for who I am, not who he expects me to be. He loves me for myself. He is concerned about my emotional needs. He treats me with respect, not like some trophy wife.
 
CHRIS: No, I mean what is his name?
 
MARTHA: If you must know, his name is John.
 
BILL: Actually, my name is Bill. Bill Smith
 
CHRIS: Yeah, right.
 
MARTHA: Shut up Bill! Keep out of this. This is between my husband and me.
 
BILL: (getting out of bed) I didn’t realize you were married. Perhaps, I should go.
(starts to get dressed)
 
MARTHA: No, stay. I’ll get rid of him.
 
BILL: I have to get back to work anyway.
 
CHRIS: Why him?
 
MARTHA: (starts to get dressed) He is twice the man you are.
 
CHRIS: That’s because he must weigh 500 pounds.
 
BILL: Please! I weigh 450 pounds and not a pound more.
 
CHRIS: How could you, Martha?
 
MARTHA: Well, I have to stay on top.
 
CHRIS: No, I mean how could you do this to me? (Martha gives Chris a quizzical look.)
 
CHRIS: I am talking about our marriage. How could you do this to our marriage?
 
MARTHA: Oh. Come on! We have been married for two weeks. How long did you expect me to be faithful?
 
CHRIS: Longer than two weeks.
 
MARTHA:
You should have said something.
 
CHRIS: Do the words, forsaking all others mean anything to you?
 
MARTHA: No. Should they?
 
CHRIS: They were part of our marriage vows.
 
MARTHA: Again, if it was in the script, I don’t have to know what it means.
 
BILL: How much do I owe you?
 
MARTHA: Two hundred. Same as last week.
 
BILL: Will I see you again? (Bill hands Martha two one hundred-dollar bills.)
 
MARTHA: Of course. Next week. Same time.
 
BILL: See you next week. (They kiss. Bill exits.)
 
MARTHA: (Martha holds one of the bills up to the light.) Stop him! These bills are counterfeit!
 
Chris pulls out his gun and runs after Bill. He sees Bill get into an elevator but the doors close before he can stop it. Chris runs down 45 flights of stairs and exits in the basement. He then runs up one flight of stairs to the first floor. He searches the lobby frantically. He sees Bill outside getting into a car. He runs outside just as Martha pulls up in a corvette.
 
MARTHA: Get in! (Chris gets into the car and Martha speeds off after Bill.)
 
CHRIS: How did you get here so fast?
 
MARTHA: Special effects.
 
CHRIS: That’s a different outfit. What’s with the mini-skirt? You usually wear pantsuits.
 
MARTHA: The director wants to show off my legs.
 
CHRIS: Well, you look fantastic. How come your hair is perfect and now you have makeup on? Where did you find the time?
 
MARTHA: Look! Can we hold off on the interrogation until we catch this guy? You know damn well that we shot the hotel scene yesterday. Today is the car chase scene. Besides, my contract says I have to look good. The studio has to give me six close up headshots every episode.
 
CHRIS: Don’t lose him.
 
MARTHA: You always say that. I never lose them. Now go ahead and say the other word.
 
CHRIS: What other word?
 
MARTHA: You know damn well. Every car chase scene you say it.
 
CHRIS: Faster?
 
SERIES OF SHOT—TYPICAL CAR CHASE SCENES
 
Cars skid around corners and run other cars off the road. More police cars join the chase. Finally, Bill’s car crashes—flipping over a dozen times and exploding in flames. Bill emerges unhurt with his hands up. The police are so ticked they shoot him anyway.
 
CHRIS: (removes Bill’s wallet) Let’s see who this guy really is. (opens wallet) His driver’s license says his name is Bill Smith.
 
MARTHA: What the...? Wait a minute. (takes out the hundred dollar bills and holds them up to the light) I guess the joke on me. These bills aren’t phony after all. My bad.
 
(Chris takes out his service pistol and points it at Martha.)
 
MARTHA: What are you doing? What’s going on?
 
CHRIS: Come on Martha. You have been around long enough to know that when the studio does not renew your contract, the writers write you out of the series. You contract expires next week.
 
MARTHA: Don’t do it, Chris. If we stick together, we can both get better contracts.
 
CHRIS: Too late. I already signed my new contract. I get a bedroom scene and eight close up headshots in every episode. Goodbye, Martha. It’s been great working with you.
 
MARTHA: Wait! The studio will never find a replacement for my character by next episode.
 
CHRIS: They have already. You remember that young woman that we hired as an intern two episodes ago?
 
MARTHA: You mean that 20 something with the silicone breasts?
 
CHRIS: Uh, yeah, that one. In the next episode she is promoted to detective first class and takes your place.
 
MARTHA: No! If you shoot me, I will never work with you again. Do you know what that means?
 
CHRIS: Sorry, Darling, but it’s in the script. I don’t have to know what it means. (Chris shoots Martha three times. He walks over to her body and shoots her in the head for good measure.)
 
The End
 

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    Monte is the author of several  e-books on Amazon and smashwords.com


    Buy Monte's e-books:
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