​John Hunter was stunned as he stood in Times Square. This was not the New York City he remembered from his youth. Of course, that was over 150 years ago. John was a ‘young-old ghost’ as the spirit community liked to call ghosts that died young a long time ago. Most ghosts are “ancient-old ghosts”, having died at an old age a long time ago. John decided to make the best of his situation and to start haunting. Haunting a city was certainly more interesting that haunting a Civil War battlefield and with a hole in his head, John figured he could still provide a good scare. 

He waited until a group of people approached him on the sidewalk. They were walking with their heads down as if praying. No matter, John decided to scare the hell out of them. He waited until they were just a few feet in front of him and then he manifested himself and yell “boo.”

No one even noticed. The closest person walked right through him without stopping or even looking up. John decided he needed to up his game. When the next group of people approached him, he removed his head and threw it at the closest person. Nothing happened. His head sailed right through the person, bounced down the street and rolled down the steps of a subway entrance.

John, or at least his head, lay on the subway platform wondering how in the world he was going to find the rest of his body when he heard laughter. He glanced over and saw a young man, a young ghost really, laughing at him. Finally, the young ghost walked over and picked up John’s head and held it up so they were eye to eye.

“What are you laughing at?” John asked, irritated.
 
“Why, you of course. Let’s go find your body.” The young ghost carried John’s head under his arm and up the stairs to the street level. John’s body wasn’t hard to find; pedestrians were oblivious to it. They walked through it, not even bothering to lift their feet. The young ghost lifted John’s body and placed his head squaring on his neck. John looked down at his body. His head was backwards. He reached up and turned his head around. Then he looked around, found his kepis cap and placed it on his head.

“Oh,” exclaimed the young ghost. “You’re a soldier.”

John snapped to attention and saluted. “Private John Hunter, 22nd New York Volunteer Infantry at your service.”

The young ghost stuck out his hand. “Please to meet you, John. My name is Eston Morschauser.”
John shook Eston’s hand. “You’re young like me.”

“Well, I died young just last year. I guess I’m a ‘recent-young’ ghost as they say.”

“Maybe you can tell me what’s going on,” John said. “I tried to scare these people, but they just ignored me. They keep looking at their hands. What’s going on?”

Eston laughed. “You’re way behind the times. Where have you been?”

“I was killed during the Battle of Antietam in Maryland when a Confederate sniper shot me.”

“In the head, I presume.”

John raised his eyebrows. “Yes, how’d you know?”

Eston poked a finger through the hole in John’s head.

John laughed. “Yeah, lucky shot.”

“So, what have you been up to the last 150 plus years?” Eston asked.

“I stayed on the battlefield marching in solemn formations every night for visitors at the Antietam National Battlefield.”

Eston shook his head. “That must have been boring.”

“Not for the first one hundred years. To tell the truth, each time I thought maybe this time we’ll win. But it was the same results every time.”

Eston laughed. “So, you finally asked for a transfer?”

“Yeah. Now can you tell me what’s going on. I can’t seem to scare anyone.”

“That’s because everyone is looking at their iPhones; playing games, reading emails or sending pictures,” Eston answered.

“Wait, wait. An eye phone? What’s an eye phone?”

Eston smiled. “Not that kind of ‘eye’. It’s a communication device, like a telephone.”

John shook his head which would have fallen again if he hadn’t held on to it. “What’s a telephone?”
“Wow,” Eston answered. “What war were you in?”

“The Civil War. I was killed in Sharpsburg, Maryland, on September 17, 1862. A sniper shot me at the Sunken Road during the Battle of Antietam.”

“Wow,” Eston said. “So that’s what, over 150 years ago? There’s been a lot of progress since then. We haunt things differently now days. I’ll show you how.” Eston looked around. As the next guy passed, he entered through his back and snatched the iPhone out of his hands. He brought it over to John.  “This is an iPhone.” The man stopped and started looking for his iPhone. When he saw Eston talking to John, he screamed and ran away.

John took the iPhone and looked it over. “You said it was a communication device. Where are the wires? How does it work without wires?”

“It’s wireless. I don’t have time to bring you up to date on all the progress made in 150 years. You just have to accept what I tell you. Okay?”

John nodded. “Okay. What do I do now?”

“Good,” Eston said. “We haunt these things now I’ll show you how to enter the operating system and tell you the type of things you can do there.” Eston spent the next thirty minutes explaining how an iPhone works. Finally, he said. “Most of the apps on the iPhone are paid for by advertisements. These ads pop up here and there; some from the top down, some from the bottom up and some from the sides. They can be very annoying. To drive a person mad, just make ads pop up one after the other.”
John didn’t know what an ‘app’ was but decided to hold his question. “It’s that easy?” he asked.
“Oh, yes. You can also mess with their e-mails.”

This time he had to ask. “What’s an e-mail?

Eston smiled. “It means electronic mail. People use it to send messages to each other. All you do is mess with the addresses. Just change the address to someone else. If the message says something intimate, send it to everyone in their address book. I once sent a bunch of emails from Hillary Clinton to the WikiLeaks.”

“I don’t know who those people are.”

 Eston smiled, “That bring me to sexting.”

“What’s that?”

Eston smiled even wider. “Sexting means taking a naked picture or picture of one’s privates and sending it to a boy or girlfriend.”

“Good. I’m a private. Take my picture.”

Eston laughed. Not that kind of private. It’s a picture of your… you know… your thing.”

John blushed. “I would never do that.”

“Not your thing. People…live people do that.” Eston saw that this news puzzled John. “Don’t ask me why, they just do, and we can haunt that.”

“How do I do that?” John asked.

“Simple. Whenever you see someone sexting, you change the address to someone else. I like to use a parent, if I know it, but just about anyone will do.”

“And that works?”

“Oh, yeah,” answered Eston. “You should see what I did to Anthony Weiner. But the best haunting is with selfies.”

“What are selfies?” John asked.

“People now days, especially, young ones, like to take pictures of themselves alone or with someone and send to other people. When you see that they’re about to take a selfie, you jump into the background and manifest yourself in true ghostly fashion. We call it photobombing, and it will freak them out.”

John had seen only one camera in his entire life, but at least he knew what a photograph was. “Anything else?” he asked.

“Are you kidding? There are a million ways to possess a cellphone. One of my favorites uses the GPS.”

John sighed. “And what, pray tell is a ‘GPS’?”

“It stands for Global Positioning System. It uses satellites to triangulate the position of a cellphone.”
John had no idea what ‘satellites’ were or what it meant to’ triangulate’, but he was overwhelmed and let it pass. “So, what do you do to the GPS?”

“Whenever someone asks for directions, you change them. You know, send them the wrong way on a one-way street or take them miles out of the way. It drives people crazy.”
“Anything else? I can’t handle much more.”

“Okay, one more and you’ll love it. Some cellphones use artificial intelligence and an artificial voice. People can talk to them and they talk back. Two popular ones are Siri and Cortana. All you do is take over the voice and talk in a creepy, voice and maybe with a hideous laugh. It will freak people out.”
John laughed. “Now I like that. I’ll try it.”

“Well, that’s enough for now. That’s the basics. “Oh, before I forget, Halloween is October 31. All the ghosts in the city get together and ride the subways all night. I’ll come to get you after sundown. Happy haunting and welcome to New York City”

John said, “Thanks.”
​
THE END

It’s sometimes hard to understand government officials in the Trump Administration. One day they say one thing and the next day they deny they ever said it, or they have a different spin on it. A case in point is Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney. One day he admitted that the administration's arrangement with Ukraine was a quid pro quo. Within 24 hours he said no it wasn’t. How do we understand what was said? I think the Trump Administration needs an official translator.

Here are some examples on how a translator my translate some historic quotes:
“I am not a crook.” This comment was from President Nixon.
Official Translation: “According to the constitution, I am innocent until proven guilty.”

“I did not have sex with that woman.” This comment was from President Clinton.
Official Translation: “A blowjob is an executive perk, not sex.”

 “No quid pro quo...” This came from President Trump several times.
Official Translation: “Quid pro quo is Latin. I don’t know Latin.”

“My administration has accomplished more than almost any administration in the history of our country,” President Trump told the United Nations in September 2018.
​
Official Translation: “My administration has told more lies and falsehood than almost any administration in the history of our country,”
​
No doubt, an official translator will clarify what Trump Administration officials say.

Gov. Gavin Newsom of California signed a bill making it legal to cook and eat roadkill. The “Roadkill Bill,” (Senate Bill 395) which goes into effect in 2022, will allow people to salvage and eat animals they unintentionally hit or find on the road in the state. This is great news for people looking for something different to cook for dinner. California is now ready for several new cooking TV shows that feature roadkill.

Cooking and eating roadkill isn’t new. There are even several roadkill cafes and dinners across the country including in Arizona, Missouri, Pennsylvania and Michigan. Whether they serve real roadkill is another question. There used to be a Roadkill Helper, but they stopped production after a lawsuit in 1994. Too bad.
​
This bill will open a whole new dining experience for most people. However, there is a protocol when dealing with roadkill:

• Remember, the roadkill must be unintentional. You can’t deliberately drive out of your way to kill your dinner. Under no circumstances should you attempt to run over buffalos, bears or moose.
• When picking up roadkill, wear gloves and make sure the roadkill is dead. Some roadkill such as possums will try to fool you. Snakes will bite you in the ass. Approach the roadkill slowly. If it moves, drive over it again.
• If you cook poisonous snakes, it’s a good idea to remove the venom glands first.
• There’s no good way to cook skunk. Pass it up. The same goes for porcupine.
• Remember that alligators are cold-blooded and like to sun themselves on the highway. There many recipes for cooking alligator, but no matter how you cook it, alligator always tastes like lizard--only bigger (pause for laughter). Make sure you park well off on the shoulder. You don’t want to become roadkill yourself.
• When cooking roadkill, a stew is always a safe bet, especially if you are using squires, small birds, snakes and/or frogs. If you have a small stew, add some rabbit meat. Make sure to use rabbit meat and not hare meat. No one want to find a hare in their stew (pause for laughter).
• If you have enough, frog legs are delicious cooked by themselves like chicken or chicken wings. (Frog wings???)
• Be sure to try some of the more exotic roadkill such as dog, cat, wolf and fox. If you find a large turtle or armadillo, cook it like a large roast.
• Large birds are excellent roadkill. Cook wild turkeys, pheasants and ducks like you would a turkey at Thanksgiving. Be sure to remove the feathers first.
• Moose, deer and buffalo meats are an excellent substitute for beef. Grill them. 

I hope this helps you on your way to fine dining. Happy hunting.

The Pope’s Worldwide Prayer Network launched the “Click To Pray eRosary” at a press conference in the Vatican.  It’s an interactive, smart and app-driven wearable device that is wore as a bracelet and is activated by making the sign of the cross.
 
Rumor has that the Network is working on an app for confessions. This app would possibly work on ordinary cellphones. Here’s a copy of the proposed text for the Confession App.
“Hello, lost child of God. Thank you for waiting. Do you feel remorse and guilt for your sins? Are you ready to confess and to obtain forgiveness for your sexual misconduct? Then you have called the right place. Read the entire menu before selecting. After selecting from the menu, at the beep, confess your sin. After you confess, remain on the line for one or two minutes for an automated reply with your penance, absolution and forgiveness. If you don’t hear your penance within two minutes, it means you haven’t been forgiven. Please try again later. Due to the high demand for redemption, please confess only one sin during this call. Call again another day for multiple sins. Your confession may be recorded for quality control purposes or possible legal action. Please select from the following menu:

1. If you are a powerful mogul or actor in the entertainment industry, dial 1.
2. If you are the President, an ex-president, or a politician, dial 2.
3. If you are a famous news anchor, dial 3.
4. If you are a powerful or famous person in another industry, dial 4.
5. If your sin is more than 20 years old, dial 5.
6. If you’re not sure what you did is a sin, dial 6.
7. If you sent sex toys to co-workers, exposed yourself to co-workers, pinched someone’s ass or fondled them, dial 7.
8. If you traded a promotion for sex, or committed sexual harassment dial 8
9. If you’re a pedophile, or committed rape, dial 9.

Please consider a tax-free donation commensurate with your transgression. You may provide your credit card information or mail a check to the church.”
​
Churches hope this app will clear up the backlog for confession in one or two years.

You may have read Mitch Albom’s novel, The Five People You Meet in Heaven. With a wink and a nod to Mr. Albom, I now present The Five People You Meet in Hell. Sorry, it’s a blog not a novel – maybe later.

Okay, you screwed up and you know it. You’re going to hell. No sweat, you say. You’ve many friends in hell, so you won’t be lonely. True. The company you keep puts you in hell. Here’s a clue; your enemies are there too, waiting for you. Here’re the five people who’ll meet you at the gates of hell when you arrive:

1. Your ex-girlfriend/ boyfriend and/or ex-spouse. Remember how you treated your significant other? You cheated. You lied about it. You confessed and promised never to do it again. Then you cheated again and lied again. You thought you got away this last time. Your ex knows what you did and will confront you in hell. What you don’t know is that you caused your ex to have a crisis about his/her sexuality. He/she blamed him/herself more than you. Your ex went into therapy. Finally, he/she had a sex change operation. Your ex then joined a commune to “find him/herself.” In a freak accident, your ex smoked some loco weed that looked like marijuana. It was fatal. With his/her dying breath, he/she swore revenge on you.

2. Your best friend from high school/college? You remember your best friend? You two vowed to be best friends forever. That was until you stabbed your BF in the back. You stole your BF’s girl/guy. You did it without a thought of how you hurt him/her. What you don’t know is that your BF had trust issue after that. He/she never trusted anyone again. He/she became very bitter and mean. With no friends, your BF sat alone at home watching reruns of Gillian’s Island. It wasn’t cable or satellite, because your BF did not trust the installer to show up at all. In a freak accident, a flock of pigeons killed your BF while your he/she was feeding them.

3. Your old boss. You do remember your old boss? The one that didn’t give you that bonus or promotion. He said you didn’t achieve the goals set for you. He said you wasted time playing games on the computer and taking naps in the stockroom. It was all true. What you don’t know is that he didn’t get a bonus or promotion either. Your failure caused him to fail too. Eventually, the company fired him for poor performance. He couldn’t get another job because he couldn’t get a referral. The industry blackballed him. He became homeless and wandered around aimlessly – without goals. In a tragic accident, he was cooked to death due to a malfunction in the heating grate he was sleeping on. Investigators found your name scribbled on the side of his cardboard box with the words, “I’ll see you in hell.”

4. Your old schoolteacher. You must remember your old schoolteacher – the one you caused to have a nervous breakdown? She was a 30-year veteran but had never met anyone as bad as you. She even told you to your face if you ever go to hell, she would find you and kill you -- again. What you may not know is she gave up teaching and joined a street gang. For several years, she committed drive-by shootings of students. When her eyesight failed, she retired to a rural area in Montana. A black bear killed her when she tried to spank it after it climbed into her apple tree. She thought it was you. The police found a picture of you with your eyes gouged out in her cabin.

5. Jack Hodges. You remember Jack Hodges? Probably not. Everyone remembers him as One-eyed Jack. Your mom always told you not to throw pencils but when Jack asked to borrow a pencil, you threw it. Sure enough, he lost an eye. That was bad enough, but what you don’t know was worst. People bullied and teased One-eyed Jack the rest of his life. He finally had enough and chose a life of crime. One day the police caught up with him, and he died in a hail of bullets. The police said with his dying breath, he said it was all your fault.
​
So, have fun in hell.
​

In my last post, I wrote about an old Chinese curse, “May you live in interesting times.” It occurred to me that we need more curses. Johnny Carson on the Tonight Show was the master of the curse. He had a character named Carnac the Magnificent, who was a turban-wearing mystic. The curses were basically middle eastern curses and would not be considered politically correct today. Here are a few of his curses:
May a crazed weightlifter clean and jerk your sister.   
May a camel with a weak kidney condition find your hope chest.
May the winds of the Sahara blow a desert scorpion up your turban.
May you fall asleep under a camel with postnasal drip.
May a weird doctor join you at the hump of a camel.
May a carsick mongoose change the color of your seats.
May a camel chip float in your martini.
May a diseased yak squat in your hot tub.
​
There was also a song written by written by Neal Merritt and sung by Little Jimmy Dickens. It contained the following curses:
"May the bird of paradise fly up your nose"
"May an elephant caress you with his toes"
"May your wife be plagued with runners in her hose"
 
Obviously, we need updated curses. Putting a curse on someone is not illegal and doesn’t require physically assaulting them. I’ve thought of a few:

• May a thousand robocalls target your iPhone every day.
• May your home security system catch a virus from your computer.
• May your TV show only reruns of Gilligan's Island.
• May your significant other run away with your best friend AND your dog.
• May your Roomba vacuum try to vacuum your dog’s diarrhea.
• May your computer screen permanently freeze on a picture of your ex.
• May your Echo Dot – Alexa refuse to speak with you.
• May your GPS lead you on a long route off a short pier.
• May you be abducted by an alien proctologist.
• May all the sexting you do end up on your mother’s Facebook page.
• May all your selfies have dog faces.

 
You may have a few of your own.

This phrase, attributed to an old Chinese curse, was often quoted in England by various politicians. It has never been found in Chinese literature. In 1966 Robert F. Kennedy delivered a speech that quoted this curse. I don’t think anyone will deny that we live in “interesting times”.
 
Let’s review the facts:
​

• There’s an impeachment inquiry in Congress against the President. We don’t know how this will play out, but it is cause for concern.
• There’s an election coming in 2020 that seems to have the sole purpose of unseating the President to prevent him from serving a second term. The last one-term president was George H.W. Bush, a Republican who lost to Democrat Bill Clinton in 1992.
• There seems to be a mass shooting very other month with little change in gun laws.
• There’s the constant threat of terrorism that could strike anywhere at any time.
• There’s the issue of deaths and illnesses from vaping or e-cigarettes. As of October 1, 2019, 1,080 lung injury cases have been reported to CDC from 48 states and 1 U.S. territory. Eighteen deaths have been confirmed in 15 states.
• There’s the whole MeToo issue concerning sexual harassment and rape.
• Other issues include the tariff  wars, high crime rates, affordable healthcare, etc.

 
Need I go on? We live in interesting times. It is a curse. Does anyone know how to lift this curse?

I received this email the other day.

Dear Sir,

You don’t know me, but I recently heard about you through a mutual friend. My name is Reverend John although you may have heard people call me Pastor John. I’m an evangelist preacher and travel the country doing a revival tent show talking about the evils of alcoholism, drug abuse and other depravities. I usually get a couple of hundred people seeking redemption to attend my shows. I normally have a fellow with me who has fallen off the path. His name is Billy Joe. He has been a great help in my mission.

During my meetings, Billy Joe just sits near me on stage, He drinks out of a bottle in a paper bag. He is usually drunk but often just sleeping. He belchers, farts, leers at the women in the audience and otherwise looks and acts disgusting. During my preaching, I point at Billy Joe and tell everyone to change their sinful ways or they’ll end up like Billy Joe. It has a great effect on everyone.

To get to the point, recently Billy Joe died. I’ve been looking for a replacement for him, and your name was mentioned. If you’re available, I’d like to talk with you.

Sincerely,
Pastor John
​
It’s a tempting offer.
​