Blog Archives - Monte R Anderson - Author

#Obama Plans to Normalize Relations with #Cuba

12/20/2014

The #Republicans are all upset over President Obama’s plan to lift the trade embargo against Cuba which dates back to 1962. Apparently, they want to avoid the debacle that occurred the last time an American president normalized relations with a communist country. You may recall that President Richard #Nixon visited Communist #China back in 1972 and ended up normalizing relations with China. (AUTHOR’S NOTE: You young folks can Google it.) The #GOP really rose up on that occasion to try and stop the president. No wait! That’s not right. Nixon was a Republican. I guess I had that wrong. Anyway, that was an entirely different set of circumstances because China had a great record for human rights at the time. No wait! Did I get that wrong too? Nixon was vilified for making “another concession to tyranny.” No wait. I’m wrong again. It’s Obama who was vilified. Now I think I got this straight – The GOP said that this act by Nixon is “part of a long record of coddling dictators and tyrants.” Damn! Wrong again. It was #Rubio who said that about Obama. It is hard to keep these things straight because the GOP politicians flip flop around like fish trying to swim to Cuba. Now I’m confused. Can someone please explain what the GOP is upset about?
The solution is quite simple; terminate our diplomatic relations with China. Restore the China embargo from the 70’s. Then the GOP opposition to lifting the Cuban embargo will make sense.

#NorthKorea Behind #Cyberattack on #Sony

12/18/2014

I know you have seen the news about the #SonyPictures #cyberattack. According to the #FBI, #NorthKorea is behind the hacking. Apparently, North Korea is upset about the Sony movie, #TheInterview. They, of course, denied any involvement. You don’t have to be an FBI agent to draw that conclusion. There were plenty of clues:
1. There was no mention of #DennisRodman in any of the e-mails leaked.
2. The anonymous leaker referred to #AmyPascal, Sony Pictures Entertainment Chairman, as the “Supreme Leader.”
3. They also called producer, producer #ScottRudin, “Marshal Rudin” and “Generalissimo
4. North Korea warned that any theater showing The Interview would be in “deep kimchi.”
Now you may think that there is little we can do to punish North Korea. Au contraire. There are some heavy actions that the USA
can take against North Korea:
1. First and foremost, if North Korea doesn’t stop hacking, the US can send Dennis Rodman back to North Korea – permanently.
2. We could put the movie on the internet for free.
3. We could produce a sequel to The Interview – “Interview II”. It may already be too late to stop production.
4. We could produce the prequel to The Interview – “The Road to The Interview.”
5. Give free tickets to The Interview to all Koreans worldwide.

#Timecapsule from 1795 found in MA State House

12/15/2014

I read with interest about the time capsule that is being unearthed from the cornerstone of the #Massachusetts State House. It was buried by #PaulRevere and #SamAdams in 1795. Rumor has it that there may be there original first draft of the #DeclarationofIndependence in the capsule. It is believed that #ThomasJefferson first wrote, “…all men and women are created equal.” Later, #BenFranklin deleted the words, “and women” so the final copy would not exceed the maximum word count.

Intense Rehabilitation Therapy for #ScottRudin and #AmyPascal

12/12/2014

A lot of buzz about leaked e-mails from #Sony. You read the news. Apparently, producer Scott Rudin called #AngelinaJolie a "spoiled brat" and made jokes about President #BarackObama. The hackers are believed to be #Gawker and #Buzzfeed, but authorizes think the real culprit is #NorthKorea. They think this because the name of #DennisRodman was conspicuously missing from any of the e-mails. Of course, North Korea is upset over the Sony movie, 'The Interview.' Rudin has apologized.
Making derogatory remarks about Jolie is unforgivable. Making jokes about President Obama is okay. Who knew Rudin was a republican? I thought most of Hollywood was democrats. Sony Pictures Entertainment chairman Amy Pascal, the other half of the e-mails, also apologized. Apparently, there is no truth to the rumor that Elizabeth #Lauten offered her support and advice to Rudin and Pascal.
No doubt both will volunteer to attend “intensive therapy” for their behavior. I was able to obtain from a confidential source a copy of the “Intensive Therapy” that Rudin and Pascal may undertake. The program known as Bogus and Unauthentic Legalized Larceny and Spurious Hypocritical Intense Therapy (BULL SH*T) is used through the USA to help famous stars to keep their endorsements and preserve their acting careers. Below is a copy of the sessions. This intense therapy is for one week.
Sunday Mixer: Join in an optional mixer for all attendees Sunday night at 7 PM until? Meet the instructors and fellow actors who have fallen from grace.
Monday Sessions: How to Hold a Press Conference: Learn how to deny charges without using the telltale signs for lying. Learn how to say “intense therapy” with a straight face. Learn how to pronounce new words like “paparazzi”. Panel discussion with guest panelists #BillCosby, #CharlieSheen, and #ArnoldSchwarzenegger.
Tuesday Sessions: Racism 101: How to insult the President and get away with it. Learn how to hide your true feelings about the president from the master of rants, #RushLimbaugh.
Wednesday Sessions: Public Apologies 101: Learn how to sound sincere when you apologize. Includes a practical exercise on apologizing without saying, “I apologize if…”
Thursday Sessions: Learn How to Avoid Hacking: This panel discussion is hosted by #EdwardSnowden via Skype and includes such experts as #Target, #JPMorgan, and #HomeDepot.
Friday Sessions: Closing Ceremony: Graduation ceremony for those who have not dropped out of the program. Guest speaker will be #AlexBaldwin.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is a fictional article. Quit calling me asking to sign up for the therapy.

Be on the Lookout for Long Necked Airline Passengers.

12/10/2014

I read with interest that #Interpol is asking for the public's help in finding suspects who smuggled live giraffes into a #Tanzanian military plane for delivery to #Qatar. I was immediately reminded of the movies Snakes on a Plane, staring Samuel L. Jackson and Operation Dumbo Drop, staring Danny Glover. An Interpol spokesperson said, "Sometimes all it takes is a fresh pair of eyes to bring new momentum to an investigation and provide the missing clue which will help locate these wanted individuals, some of who have been evading justice for years." You may have seen the giraffes trying to get through the metal detector at the airport. In case you’re not sure what to look for, here are some clues:
1. Giraffes are the tallest living terrestrial animals, as much as 20 feet.
2. They have extremely long neck and legs
3. On their heads they have small horns.
4. They have a distinctive pattern of patches like camouflage on their fur.
5. An adult might weigh over 2000 pounds.
6. The males are fond of necking, a form of combat.
Should you spot one of these creatures at an airport, notify the authorities immediately.

Brain Drain in #Texas?

12/7/2014

It came as no surprise when the #UniversityofTexas at #Austin reported 100 brains missing. It only confirmed what most people thought of Texas. Apparently, there is no truth to the myth that the U of Texas coined the phrase, “A no brainer.” A school official suggested that it may have been undergraduates in search of a brain. Authorities believe that the number of missing brains is underreported since people without a brain are too stupid to report that their brain is missing. It also doesn’t include all the people who are missing half a brain. Many brainless graduates end up in #politics, practicing law or joining the #NRA. It is believed that #RickPerry and #TedCruz, are among those reporting that their brains are missing. It has long been suspected that ex-presidents, George H. W. #Bush and George W. Bush are missing half, if not all, of their brains. If you’re from Texas, you better take inventory.

Is Causal Sex as Easy as it’s Depicted on TV?

12/5/2014

The old saw says that “art imitates life”, but is that true. Do people fall into bed for casual sex as easy as TV and movies would have us believe? I think not. The fantasy is much different that the reality. Let’s compare the fantasy with the reality.
Here’s the TV/movie fantasy:
Guy sits down at a bar next to a beautiful woman.
HE: Hello. You’re hot. I would like to have sex with you.
SHE: (smiles) You’re not so bad yourself. Sex with you sounds like fun.
HE: Your place or mine?
SHE: No, no. I can’t do that. My boyfriend will be here in twenty minutes and my husband expects me home in two hours. Do you have a car?
HE: Yes. I’m parked out front.
SHE: Sound good. Let’s go.

Here’s the reality (at least, my reality)
Guy sits down at a bar next to a beautiful woman.
HE: Hello. You’re hot. I would like to have sex with you.
SHE: Fk off!
HE::Ah, come on. I’ll not bad looking.
SHE::Go fk yourself!
HE: If I could do that, I wouldn’t be here trying to pick up women.
SHE: I’m warning you, I have a Taser.
HE: So I’m guessing you like rough sex.
SHE: Okay, that’s it. I’m getting the bouncer.
We can always dream, can’t we?

#GOP Staffer Resigns After Picking on #Obama Girls

12/3/2014

#ElizabethLauten, communications director to #GOP Rep. Stephen Fincher of TN is resigning over comments she posted on #Facebook about the #Obama girls, Sasha and Malia. She was commenting on the appearance of the daughters during President Obama’s pardoning of two turkeys for Thanksgiving. She asked for the girls to "show more class" during the annual event. She went on to say, “Rise to the occasion. Act like being in the White House matters to you. Dress like you deserve respect, not a spot at a bar." It's unclear whether Lauten knew that the girls are too young to be in a bar. Did she mean the Law Bar? I think she should have waited until the Supreme Court made their decision on the case before them on free-speech (#Elonis v. US) before resigning.
The whole thing probably reminded you of the incident that happened when #HarryS.Truman was president. Maybe not. He took aim at a music critic that critiqued his daughter’s piano recital. He wrote, “Mr. Hume: I've just read your lousy review of Margaret's concert. I've come to the conclusion that you are an "eight ulcer man on four ulcer pay." It seems to me that you are a frustrated old man who wishes he could have been successful. When you write such poppy-cock as was in the back section of the paper you work for it shows conclusively that you're off the beam and at least four of your ulcers are at work. Some day I hope to meet you. When that happens you'll need a new nose, a lot of beefsteak for black eyes, and perhaps a supporter below!” Today, this would be considered a threat; a felony.
Bottom line: Don’t mess with the Presidential Daughters. I think Ms. Lauten is due a Presidential pardon. Still waiting for the GOP to protest Obama’s executive order to pardon the two turkeys. BTW, I’m retired so I can’t resign.

#SupremeCourt Considers #Free-Speech on #SocialMedia

12/1/2014

The Supreme Court is considering a case (#Elonis v. US) about the free-speech rights of people who use violent or threatening language on #Facebook and other social media. It concerns a man who was sent to prison for posting violent #rap lyrics on Facebook about killing his estranged wife, shooting up a kindergarten class and attacking an #FBI agent. A jury convicted him of making threats against another person: a felony. Free-speech advocates say comments on Facebook, #Twitter and other social media can be hasty, impulsive and easily misinterpreted. Duh? That would make it different from comments made in writing or vocally which are always well thought out, never impulsive or misinterpreted. The defendant says that his remarks were simply a crude and spontaneous form of expression that he didn’t mean. I guess when someone says they want to kill you, you must ask, “Do you really mean it?” Apparently, there is no truth to the rumor that the Supreme Court may rule that anyone posting a threat in social media must follow it with a disclaimer. The disclaimer might read, “The comments I posted above are for entertainment only and not to be construed as a threat of any sort. They are a crude and spontaneous form of free-speech. They do not represent my true opinions of bitches and assholes. Any similarity between the SOBs, jerks and bitches in my comments and real people is purely coincidental.”