Monte R Anderson - Author
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Part 2 of Chapter 4 from Archimedes of Syracuse, a Historical Novel

12/30/2016

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A while back I posted a chapter from my first novel, Archimedes of Syracuse. I thought I ‘d do it again. It’s a little long for a blog, so I’ve broken it down in parts. Here is Part 2. If you missed Part 1, scroll down.
 
Archimedes is living in Syracuse on the island of Sicily. Many legends about Archimedes stem from his early years working for King Hieron, a tyrant. Many of us know the story about when he yelled “Eureka!” Many of the details are vague, so in my novel, I tried to fill in logical details. Enjoy.
 
Chapter 4—The Gold Crown (255 BCE, in Syracuse)
 
Lagus helps Archimedes get out of his tunic and into the bath. He removes his own clothes, and places his oils, brushes, combs, and perfumes within reach. Taking a sponge, he enters the bath. Archimedes places the gold bar next to the box of sand, and starts making calculations in the sand. Lagus begins to scrub him. Lagus is glad that Archimedes is concentrating on his work, and hardly aware of what Lagus is doing. He shakes his head when he sees weeks of accumulated dirt and grime on Archimedes’ elbows and hands. As he takes one arm to wash to scrub the elbow, and clean the hands and fingernails, Archimedes allows him to do so, continuing to work with the other hand.
This is working out well, Lagus thinks.

After he finishes Archimedes’ body, he begins to work on his hair. The soap for the hair is out of reach so Lagus climbs out to retrieve it. As he leaves the bath, Archimedes notices the change in the water level. He watches Lagus exit the bath. As Lagus reenters the bath, Archimedes watches the water level rise.
“Stop!” shouts Archimedes after Lagus enters the water.

Lagus freezes, not sure what to do. Archimedes waits for the water surface to settle, and draws a line on the side of the bath at the level of the water. “Get out!”

Lagus, still confused, obeys. Again, Archimedes waits for the water to calm down, and draws another line with his finger at the new water level. Then Archimedes gets out very slowly, hardly disturbing the water. He goes over to his previous marks, and marks the new water level. Then he reenters the water very slowly, and observes the rise in the water.

“Come back in slowly.”

Lagus obeys, imitating Archimedes’ slow movements. Archimedes watches the water rise.

“Get me a large bowl! No, no! Bring two large bowls. One must fit inside the other. Hurry!”

Lagus talks to the Bath Master who returns with two wooden bowls. Archimedes takes the smaller of the two bowls, fills it with water, and sets it inside the larger bowl. He reaches for a perfume bottle but Lagus grabs the expensive perfume bottle, and pulls it out of Archimedes’ reach. Lagus quickly hands Archimedes a smaller and less expensive bottle of perfume. Archimedes pours the perfume into the bath, and uses the bottle to fill the smaller bowl to its top, eventually finishing by adding one drop at a time with his fingertip. When he is satisfied that the bowl cannot hold another drop, he sponges out any water that spilled into the larger bowl. He takes the bar of gold, places it into the smaller bowl, and watches as the water flows out of the smaller bowl into the larger bowl. He repeats the procedure a second time and then a third. Lagus, realizing that the bath is over, starts to collect his things, and put them into the basket. Finally, Archimedes stares at the bowls for several minutes. Lagus knows this is when his master is working on the solution. Archimedes turns, and scribbles something in the sand. He smooths the sand over, and writes again. He smooths that over, and writes something else.
Suddenly shouting, “Eureka! That’s it! I have found it! I’ve done it!”

Archimedes bolts out of the bath, heading for the door. Lagus grabs his own tunic, and pulls it on while picking up Archimedes’ clean tunic, all the while shouting, “Bath Master! Bath Master!”

The Bath Master comes running, “Quit shouting! Here I am.”

Lagus is already heading for the door to catch Archimedes. “Watch that bar of gold. I’ll be back for it.”

Archimedes runs out of the bathhouse, and into the street causing screams and a few laughs from citizens in the street. Lagus is right on his heels shouting for him to stop. Finally, Lagus is able to get a grip on Archimedes’ hair, and stops.

Archimedes’ head jerks back, and he loses his balance, falling backward onto his butt, naked in the street.


“Lagus! What are you doing? Let me go! I have to tell the King. I know how to determine if the crown is solid gold.”

Putting Archimedes’ tunic over his head, “Master, if you go like this, the King will have you arrested.”

“What?”

“You have no clothes on!” answers Lagus.

Looking down, “Oh! Oh! Where are my clothes?”

“Put on your tunic. Besides, the King is probably dining at this hour. Later, when you are properly dressed, you can tell the King.”

“Yes. Yes, of course. I still have to test my theory on the crown.”

“That’s right. We must be presentable for the King. Now let me help you up, and get you home. We will get the gold from the bath on the way.”
 
END of Part 2 of Chapter 4
 
To order the entire novel, Archimedes of Syracuse, go to http:/smashwords.com/b/159447.
 
For e-books by me, visit http://smashwords.com/profile/view/monteranderson.
Follow me on Twitter at
http://twitter.com/monteranderson
Follow my blog at http://monteranderson-author.com or http://monteranderson.wordpress.com
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Part 1 of Chapter 4 from Archimedes of Syracuse, a Historical Novel

12/28/2016

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A while back I posted a chapter from my first novel, Archimedes of Syracuse. I thought I ‘d do it again. It’s a little long for a blog, so I’ve broken it down in parts.
 
Archimedes is living in Syracuse on the island of Sicily. Many legends about Archimedes stem from his early years working for King Hieron, a tyrant. Many of us know the story about when he yelled “Eureka!” Many of the details are vague, so in my novel, I tried to fill in logical details. Enjoy.
 
Chapter 4—The Gold Crown (255 BCE, in Syracuse)
 
Archimedes walks into the throne room of the palace. “You sent for me, sire?”

“Ah, Archimedes. Yes, I have work for you.” Sniffing toward Archimedes, “When was the last time you took a bath? Really, Archimedes, this is no way to present yourself to your king. Did not your father teach you anything about court manners? Even the gods in heaven would be offended.”

“Yes, sire. My father was very thorough. However, I seem to get absorbed in my work, and I forget about everything else. Sometimes I even forget to eat.”

“Well, I do not care if you don’t eat, but I would appreciate it if you took a bath more frequently, and use some ointments or perfumes.”

“Yes, sire. Is that the nature of our business today?”

“Archimedes, don’t forget your place! Here is the problem,” holding up a beautiful crown of gold. “To celebrate my victories, and being crowned king, I had commissioned to have this gold crown made. It is intended for the temple of Zeus to thank the god for supporting me. However, I have reason to believe that I have been cheated.”

“Interesting. Why do you think you have been cheated, sire?”

“Well, I commissioned a certain goldsmith to make this crown, and supplied him the gold. The work is exquisite. But I have been informed by some of his other clients that he frequently removes some gold for himself, and replaces the weight with an equal weight of silver. Can you tell me if any of the gold is missing?”

“Do you know exactly how much gold you gave him?”

“Yes, it was a gold bar like this one,” pointing to a bar of gold on the table. "Exactly the same,” handing the gold bar to Archimedes.

“Well, sire, if you melt down the crown, the silver will separate from the gold, and you will know.”

“No, Archimedes. This is a work of art. Look at it! What if we destroy it and it turns out to be solid gold? No, no, it must not be damaged in anyway. That is the problem. I want you to tell me if this is solid gold without destroying it. Can you do it?”

“I do not know, sire. Let me think on it. Lend me this bar of gold to study, and I will try to figure out a way.”

Hieron dismisses him with a wave of his hand. Archimedes bows, and starts to back out of the room.

“Archimedes!”

“Yes, sire?”

“I have another bar exactly like that one and I expect to get every bit of that gold back.”

“Of course, sire. Your word is law.”

Archimedes returns to his workshop, and studies the bar of gold for several hours. He weighs it many times, scratches it, heats it, and conducts other experiments on it. Just before supper, Lagus, his personal servant, enters the workshop.

“Sir, you must take a bath tonight before supper. I heard you offended the King today with your body odor. I must insist.”

“Not now, Lagus. I am in the middle of looking for a solution to a problem for the King.”

“I knew you would say that so I have figured out a way for you to continue to work while you bathe.”

Now showing some interest in the conversation, “Oh? What have you done?”

“I had a square box made, filled it with fine sand, and set the box next to the bath. You can draw your designs and calculations in the sand while I scrub you. Later, if you want, I will copy whatever you design in the sand.”

Picking up the gold bar up from his workbench, “This I have to see.”

Together, Archimedes and Lagus march down the street to the public baths. They make an odd sight as they go. Lagus carries a basket filled with the soaps, oils, brushes, combs, and towels that he needs to clean Archimedes and a change of clothes. Archimedes walks with the bar of gold in his hand. Lagus pretends not to notice a stir in the crowd as they pass. He has grown used to the stares and rumors that his master causes every time he goes out in public. Archimedes is earning a reputation as some type of genius but a slightly eccentric person. He does not bathe for months at a time. He wears the same tunic for weeks without washing it. His beard and hair are always unkempt. But today, Lagus is going to bathe Archimedes even if he has to tie him up. At least for a while, he is going to look like the Royal Engineer. Then Lagus will not have to endure the snickers and laughs behind his back from the servants of the other wealthy families in Syracuse.

As Archimedes and Lagus enter the public bath, the master of the bath waddles over. Snickering, “Ah, Lagus, I see it is that time of year again. I have followed your instructions word for word. Right this way.”

He leads them to a smaller bath in a private section normally reserved for wealthy clients. Next to the bath, the bath Master has set up a type of sand box. The box is close enough to the edge of the bath for a man to stand in the bath, and draw in the sand.

“Great!” says Lagus.
​
Archimedes studies the sand box for a moment, “Interesting! I think this will work.”

END of Part 1 of Chapter 4
To order the entire novel, Archimedes of Syracuse, go to http:/smashwords.com/b/159447.
For e-books by me, visit http://smashwords.com/profile/view/monteranderson.
Follow me on Twitter at
http://twitter.com/monteranderson
Follow my blog at http://monteranderson-author.com or http://monteranderson.wordpress.com

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New Year Resolutions That Work

12/26/2016

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Do you make New Year Resolutions? How long do they last? Mine never last long. I thought if I blog about it, maybe I can keep my resolutions. Here they are:
 
1.      I resolve not to have any more birthdays when I turn 75. Age 75 is the medium. Per the CDC, 5% of the population will die before they reach 40 and 50% will die before they reach 75. Of those over 75, 100% will die. Therefore, it makes good sense to stop getting older, probably at 39 but since I missed that one, I’ll go for 75.

2.      I resolve to lose weight. I’m going to try that Chinese diet. You can eat all you want, but you get only one chop stick. My back up diet is the one where when you put something in your mouth, if it tastes good, you spit it out.

3.      I resolve to start exercising. My doctor said that running my mouth, jumping to conclusions, racing to the bathroom, flapping my gums, rolling my eyes and yelling at the TV aren’t exercise.

4.      I resolve to be more tolerate of others. We should respect the opinions of others so matter how stupid they are.

5.      I resolve to eat more sensibly. I have trouble reading the label, and I know that I should eat more vegetables. Vegetables are green (most of them) and good for you. Therefore, if food comes in a green can or package, it must be healthy.

6.      I resolve to get more sleep. This will be easy. I’ll either had an extra hour to my two naps or add a third nap.

7.      I resolve to cook more and eat in rather than eating out or ordering take out. Here’s another easy one. If I can fit it into a microwave, I can cook it.

8.      I resolve to clean the house and keep it that way. One Mondays, I’ll dust and vacuum. On Tuesdays, I’ll clean the bathrooms. On Wednesdays, I’ll clean the kitchen and dining room. On… to hell with this.

9.      I resolve to write my Great American Novel. This should be easy. If I write one page per day, I’ll end the year with over 300 pages, enough for a novel. The trick is not to be distracted… oh, look, there’s some cute pictures of kittens on Facebook.

10.  I resolve to drink less coffee. I figure if I freeze the coffee, I can chew it.

11.  I resolve to drink less alcohol. I’ll stop drinking as soon as I discover a better way to get it down.

12.  I resolve to start mediating. I’ve tried mediation before. After five minutes, I usually fall asleep. Maybe this time it’ll stick.

13.  I resolve to watch less TV. Of course, I do have a few exceptions: crime/detective shows, comedies, news, movies, documentaries, realities show, anything on the history channel, medical shows and any show after 6 PM.
 
What New Year resolutions do you have? Let’s hear them. Good luck keeping them.
 
For e-books by me, visit http://smashwords.com/profile/view/monteranderson.
Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/monteranderson
Follow my blog at http://monteranderson-author.com or http://monteranderson.wordpress.com
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More Resume-Killers

12/21/2016

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I read with interest an article on my newsfeed from the
Business Insider, “Never include these 9 résumé-killers on any job application.” The article said avoid listing hobbies, using personal pronouns (I, my or me), using present tense for a past job, listing objective, using old irrelevant jobs, listing professional contact information, using buzzwords, using unnecessary words and posting images. As usual, the article misses the mark on several key résumé-killers. As a community service, I will add more résumé-killers to avoid:

1.      Don’t list your fraternity or sorority. There are basically two types of fraternities; those who have done something publicly offensive and those who haven't...yet. It would be best not to admit to being a member until after you're hired. Even after you get the job, you may not want to confess.

2.      When listing skills, remember sexting isn’t a skill unless you are applying for a position in the porn industry. Also, while making pipe bombs is certainly a skill, you may want to keep that secret. Drinking beer while standing on your head isn’t a skill you should list. That also goes for stalking, coloring, field stripping an AK47, shooting an RPG, breaking and entering, cooking meth and picking locks.  

3.      Don’t list references who are still in prison or pending trial. It’s best to wait until they’re out on bail.

4.      Don’t use family as references unless you still have copies of photographs you can use for blackmail.

5.       It may be too soon to list Trump University on your profile. Hold off on that.

6.       Don’t try to convince anyone that the 4 – 7-year gap in your work summary was a vacation.

7.       Don’t list your parole officer as a reference. Same for your Alcoholics Anonymous sponsor.
8.      Don’t misspell the name of the university you claim to have attended.

9.      Don’t try to be clever in your email address, i.e. buttkicker@whatever.com.

10.  You probably should omit the job you had in prison.

I sincerely hope this helps you prepare your resume. Good luck.
​

For e-books by me, visit http://smashwords.com/profile/view/monteranderson.
Follow me on Twitter at
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More Ways Americans Waste Money

12/19/2016

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I read with interest an article on my newsfeed written by Lia Sestric, “6 Really Dumb Ways Americans Waste Money.” She mentioned overspending on education, purchasing expensive diapers, buying unnecessary baby stuff, betting on lottery tickets, failing to shop for bargains, and insisting on lavish weddings. In my opinion, she wasn’t even close. Here is my list of more ways people waste money:
 
1.      Sending money to someone in Nigeria who claims you inherited a large sum of money. This is a scam, folks.
2.      Using your savings to invest in your brother or brother-in-law’s stupid ideas. In the case of the brother-in-law, you can’t stand the guy anyway, but you married his sister. Your brother or sister is a different issue. This is a tough one. Never lend money to family -- period. Good luck with this.
3.      Enrolling in Trump University. I’m sure you thought this was a god deal. It’s overpriced folks. Go to the local community college.
4.      Buying swamp land that might be drained. You don’t see this one much anymore. Here’s a hint; if you can’t see it, don’t buy it.
5.      Spending a lot of money to buy a map to the Lost Dutchman's Gold Mine. Think About it; so many maps to the mine have been sold that someone must have found the gold by now.
6.      Spending money to claim a prize someone says you won even though you never entered a contest. Another scam, folks.
7.      Spending a lot of money on drugs (prescription drugs, over the counter drugs, under the counter drugs, meth, pot, cocaine, heroin, coffee, alcohol, cigarettes, candy, sugar and liquorish) Enough said.
8.      Buying bottled water. Tap water is just as good, and it has fluoride for your teeth. The bottles are made of plastic which comes from oil – bad for the landfill and the environment. Just drink tap water and save. You can use the old water bottle and fool your snobbish friends.
9.      Paying too much for sex. Sex should be free. If you must pay for it, you’re wasting money. Now, “good” sex is something else. That’s going to cost.
10.  Spending too much on pets. Pets shouldn’t cost anything. If you have a dog or cat, yes, it’s expensive. Pets should be free. Forget dogs or cats; cockroaches make great pets and they don’t eat much. They never bark.
I hope this helps everyone to cut expenses.
​For e-books by me, visit http://smashwords.com/profile/view/monteranderson.
Follow me on Twitter at
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Senior Moments

12/16/2016

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I getting to that point in my life where my memory doesn’t serve me. I make notes to remind myself of everything. I have shopping lists, do lists, passwords and reminders for appointments. I find if I put something in my line of sight, I’ll remember it. To help myself remember or to remind myself of future events, I post notes to remind myself, mark up my calendar and use visual aids. I put them on my computer, refrigerator, and kitchen counters. I even put outgoing mail near the door where I’ll see it as I leave the house
 
The other day I went to buy groceries at our favorite big box store. When I got inside, I realized I forgot my shopping list at home. After berating myself for one minute I told myself to put on my big boy pants and try to remember everything on the list.
 
I decided if I went down every aisle, whenever I saw thing that I use, it would remind me to buy it if I needed it. I went down every aisle and loaded up my cart. By time I was done, the cart held twice the amount of groceries that I usually buy. I figured it was all consumable so no waste, no harm done. I was proud of myself for shopping without my usual list. When I got outside, it hit me; I forgot where I parked.
 
My memory is a strange beast. I think now that I’m older, my brain can’t retain any more data. Therefore, it seems to be doing a data dump. It pulls up an old memory file that I haven’t thought about in years. For example, it might pull up a name of someone from high school. Then my brain asks, “Do we need to keep this file?” If I don’t immediately try to contact that person, my brain dumps that memory. It’s lost forever. That leave a little storage space for a new memory. I’ve learned how to use this to my advantage. Before I fall asleep, I might ask my brain to find the name of a long-lost friend. Bingo, the next morning, my brain shows me the file.
 
My memory was never very good anyway. Many, many years ago, my wife gave me a birthday card. I thought it was funny so I laughed. She said that she couldn’t do it anymore; she had given me that same card ten years in a row. I often run into a person I haven’t seen for a while and can’t remember their name. I have on a couple of occasions, let the dog out and forgot to let her back in.
 
In my experience, there seems to be three types of memory lost: the first is a total loss of memory of names, places or events; the second is a mixed match of memories (not remembering correctly or mixing two separate events together); and finally, false memories (remembering things that never happened – duh).
 
What I really hate is remembering things that never happened. For example, I was trying to remember if I took my morning meds and decided that I did. Later, I discovered that I hadn’t taken: them. I was remembering something that never happened.
 
As we grow older, our memories are often the best things we have. I hate losing them. They say the memory is the second thing to go as you get old. I forgot what the first thing was. I thought I’d better write this blog before I forget.

For e-books by me, visit http://smashwords.com/profile/view/monteranderson.
Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/monteranderson
Follow my blog at http://monteranderson-author.com
or http://monteranderson.wordpress.com
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How to be a Renaissance Person in 2017

12/14/2016

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A Renaissance Man (or Woman) is a person that is knowledgeable in several areas. The term came from the Renaissance period, 1400 to about 1600. Of course, it was a lot earlier to know a lot of stuff back then. There was a lot less to know. Now days, the amount of knowledge doubles every five years or so. It’s impossible to know much about several subjects. However, a person can be perceived to be a Renaissance Person if they know a little about several subjects – a mile wide but an inch deep. In this article, I will provide all you need to impress everyone with your vast knowledge. Don’t let anyone ask questions and you will be a Renaissance Person. Just memorize the following in the subjects listed:
 
Poetry – You must know at least one poem. This is it.
 
The Rhinoceros by Ogden Nash
 
“The rhino is a homely beast,
For human eyes he's not a feast.
Farwell, farewell, you old rhinoceros,
I'll stare at something less prepoceros.”
 
If you find that poem hard to memorize, try this one, also by Ogden Nash
 
“Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.”

Art – Art is complicated. Rather than learning a lot about art, remember this – In all art there’s a focal point. You don’t need to know where the focal point is. Just look at a piece of art and say, “I like the way the artist draws the eyes to the focal point.” If anyone asks, “What does it mean?” you just say, “It’s obvious to the casual observer,” and walk away.
 
Toast A Renaissance Person must have one toast memorized in case the occasion arises where they are asked to make a toast. Memorize this toast to a friend:
 
“Friends may come and friends may go and friends may peter out, you know. But we’ll be friends through thick of thin, peters out or peters in.”
 
Blessing Over Food Sometimes you can’t dodge the prayer bullet when you are asked to say a blessing over the food. Here’s all you need to know,
 
“Rub a-dub dub, thanks for the grub, yea God.”
 
Now you may have notice that this is a generic prayer that will work for any God, be they  Yahweh, Buddha, Allah or any variation between.
 
One Prayer  Depending on your social circle, you may be asked to say a prayer. Here is all you need to know. “Bless this mess.”
 
You may insert whatever God you pray to.
 
One Quote You must be able to quote a famous person. Here’s a good quote from Sun Tzu, the old Chinese general, military strategist and author of The Art of War.
 
“You cannot make a snake straight by pushing it through a pipe.”
 
This is a great quote because no one knows what it means. It’s a great conversation stopper that will leave people speechless. It can be applied to many subjects: politics, crime, or education.
 
Politics Occasionally, the subject of politics comes up. Memorize this quote from Mark Twain.
 
“…, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”
 
Notice that there’s no mention of a political party, therefore it can be applied regardless of your own political leanings. I like quoting Mark Twain because he’s dead and can’t correct you if you misquote him.
 
Education Again, depending on your social circles, the subject of education may come up. Here’s another handy quote from Mark Twain.
 
“In the first place, God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards.” — Following the Equator
 
You might want to make sure you aren’t talking to a school board member before quoting this.
 
Music Use this quote by Bob Marley, “One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain.”
 
Science Use this quote by Albert Einstein, ““As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.”
 
Food. A Renaissance Person is an expert of food. That doesn’t mean a Renaissance Person can cook, although you may. It means you must appear to be a gourmet. To fake being a gourmet, you must follow these rules:
 
1.      Don’t refer to food as food. Call it nourishment or a feast but not food.
2.      Don’t use pepper or salt.
3.      Don’t drink with your little pinkie sticking up. That’s just stupid.
4.      Always have wine with your meal. Wine with breakfast is optional. Beer is an after-dinner drink. You don’t need to know much about wine. Just order an expensive one. Take a sip, swish it around your mouth (don’t gargle) swallow, suck in air, and say “Ah”.
5.      When eating out, always ask a lot of questions about one of the entrees. It doesn’t matter whatever the waiter answers. Then order something different. Never order the special, the catch of the day or whatever the waiter recommends. It shows weakness.
6.      Never eat fast food except in a closet.
7.      Subscribe to Gourmet magazine and leave it conspicuously around your house.
8.      Use your silverware. That’s those shinny tools next to your plate. Oh, and use a plate.
9.      Place your napkin on your lap not in your collar.
 
See? That wasn’t hard.
 
Sports The subject of sports always comes up at some point. This quote by Vince Lombardi applies to any sport,
 
“Winners never quit and quitters never win.”
 
Here’s another one from Vince, “Show me a good loser, and I'll show you a loser.”
 
Escorts Renaissance Persons are always seen in the company of beautiful escorts. If you have a hot significant other, hang on to him/her. If not, use a family member that’s hot, if they’re willing to play the part. Good luck with that. As a last resort, use an escort service.
 
Women  Okay, I’ve got nothing. You’re on your own here.
 
Any Other Subject It’s hard to know everything. But it isn’t hard to fake knowing everything. If a subject comes up about which you know nothing, remember this; it’s better to keep silent and let people suspect that you’re an idiot than to say something to remove all doubt. Try this; keep silent as long as possible, stroke your chin or beard if you have one – men too. Then say, “It’s obvious to the casual observer,” and walk away.
 
Walk Away The walk away is crucial to being a Renaissance Person. It must not seem hurried or come off as a retreat. If you can’t pull it off, try this; act like your cellphone went off and quickly pull it out. People will think it was on vibrate. Look at the screen and say something like, “It’s my publisher. I have to take this.” Then walk outside and act like you’re talking on the cellphone. If “publisher” doesn’t seem right, try “financial adviser,” or “President Trump.”
 
If you can follow these simple tips, you can appear to be a Renaissance Person. Yes, you must memorize a few things. Would you rather use these tips or actually study all these subjects? It’s up to you. Go for it. Good luck.

For e-books by me, visit http://smashwords.com/profile/view/monteranderson.
Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/monteranderson
Follow my blog at http://monteranderson-author.com
or http://monteranderson.wordpress.com
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A  Soldier’s 12 Gifts of Christmas

12/12/2016

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It’s that time of year when we buy gifts for our loved ones and even for some we don’t care much for. Hopefully, a soldier is on your list of loved one. If you need help finding the perfect gift for a soldier, check out my recommended 12 gift of Christmas – actually, a song. "The Twelve Days of Christmas" is a cumulative song -- each verse is built on top of the previous verses.
 
On the first day of Christmas, my true love sent to me a pair of combat boots.
On the second day of Christmas, my true love sent to me two M16s.
On the third day of Christmas, my true love sent to me three Claymore mines.
On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me four pounds of C-4.
On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me five MREs.
On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me six generals a-leading,
On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love sent to me seven buglers a-bugling.
On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me eight medics a-mending,
On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me nine pairs of dry socks.
On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me ten snipers a-sniping.
On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love sent to me eleven sergeants a-shouting.
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me twelve scout dogs a-scouting.
 
Have a merry Christmas wherever you’re stationed.
​

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More Mistakes Screenwriters Make

12/9/2016

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I blogged about this on December 5. If you missed it, scroll down and read it. After I posted it, I remembered a few more. Here they are:
 
1.      Crawling in duct work. This mistake drives me nuts because I used to be a facility manager. To begin with, ducts aren’t made to support the weight of a person or persons. They’re suspend from the ceiling or beams by thin strips of metal. With one or two people inside, they would come crashing down. On TV, they appear to be 16X16 which is big. Ducts work like this, they come out of a furnace or air handler and progressively downsize as they supply heat or AC to a room. A duct vent in a room could be 12X4 – hardly big enough to crawl inside. They’re also filled with things like filters, smoke dampers and fire dampers. Just once I would like to see our hero fall into the furnace.

2.      Unlimited ammo. Writers are getting better at this, but there’re still scenes where our hero never runs out of ammo.

3.      Super lightweight machinegun ammo. This one is a little complicated. In the scene, our hero grabs a machinegun and begins killing hordes of zombies or whatever. So far so good. If he/she grabbed a M249 light machine gun (LMG), it weighs only 22 lbs. The ammo is the standard light 5.56x45mm NATO round. The M249 can fire 725-rounds per minute. If our hero carries 200 rounds of ammo, that’s about 7.2 lbs. That means he/she can shoot for about 15 seconds. But does our hero pick up the M249? NO. Our hero picks up a M61 Vulcan, a hydraulically driven, six-barrel, Gatling-style rotary cannon which fires 20 mm rounds at a rate of 6,000 rounds per minute. Our hero would need a wagon or truck to carry enough ammo for one minute, and they’re heavy.

4.      Instant hacks. The crime TV shows give the impression that computer nerds can hack anything instantly. Not true. I expect to see a show where the electric tooth brush gets hacked.

5.      High speed transportation local and international with no jet lag. I know you’ve seen this one. Our hero has 48 hours to stop the criminal master mind before a weapon of mass (WMD) destruction is detonated in NYC. To stop the master mind, our hero must first fly to Moscow to locate the master mind’s partner, then fly to Antarctica to get the code book needed to defuse the WMD, then return to NYC during rush hour to save the city – all within 48 hours. Yeah, right.

6.      Licking cooking spoon. This one I love. The scene is in the kitchen. The world renown chef is cooking something on the stove. He takes a spoon, tastes whatever is in the pot and places the germ-infested spoon with all his DNA and other bodily fluids back into the pot. No way. No professional chef would risk food poisoning or salmonella. I love to cook and even I know better than to do that.

7.       Noise in space. Here’s another one that drives me nuts. In outer space, there’s no air. To make sound there must be air or something to transmit the sound. So why do we watch a space craft soar by with a roaring engine? It wouldn’t happen.

8.      Ear buds not detected. I enjoy watching TV shows like
Scorpion, Quantico and Agents of Shield. If you are a fan, you know when the agents go undercover they use ear buds that transmit and receive so they can communicate. Everyone knows that. So why is it that the mega-corporate outfits that are behind all the evil in the world never bother to check in their ears when they do a pat down? Surely, at least one employee has a TV and watches the shows.   
 
9.      Cellphone reception. This is like the ear bud scenes above. Our hero is underground in a cave or under water in a submarine. He/she pulls out a cellphone and makes a call. WTF? I can’t even get reception in an elevator.

10.  Giving away the conspiracy. I think screenwriters do this for the audience. It happens in two ways: The criminal mastermind explains his/her plan or the detectives explain their theory. You know the scenes. The mastermind is about to kill our hero. But before killing, he decides to explain to our hero his entire manifesto for world domination and enslaving mankind. Why? Because he like to hear himself talk, I guess. In the second scene, the detectives bring in their prime suspect, and during the interrogation revel to the suspect their working theory and all the evidence they have so far. Why? Because they’re stupid. I guess they think the suspect will confess on the spot.

11.  Liars. On TV crime shows every suspect, person of interest and witness is lying. Really? Has society sunk that low?
 
I hope these tips help your budding screenwriters. Best wishes. 

For e-books by me, visit http://smashwords.com/profile/view/monteranderson.
Follow me on Twitter at
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The Absolute Worst Things a House Guest Can Do

12/7/2016

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I read with interest an article on my newsfeed by Kate McKenna for PopSugar, “9 Worst Things a House Guest Can Do.” I hate to be a critic (Not) but this article wasn’t even close. Kate wrote about being a considerate house guest, but I think she didn’t mention the absolute worst things a house guest can do. As a community serve I will provide those now. Fore warned is fore armed.
 
1.      Crapping on floor. This would be the worst, believe me.
2.      Sleeping with your significant other. I know that we always say, “Make yourself at home,” or “My house is your house (mi casa es tu casa), but we should draw the line at sleeping with our significant others.
3.      Not sharing pot or drugs. If your house guest is going to use drugs in your hope they should share. It’s an unwritten rule.
4.      Stealing pot or drugs. This is the opposite to the one above. Stealing pot or drugs is a no, no. A housed guest should ask first.
5.      Bringing a hooker. This is the same as bring drugs. A house guest should share.
 
I think these are much worst that the things noted in Kate’s article, don’t you?

For e-books by me, visit http://smashwords.com/profile/view/monteranderson.
Follow me on Twitter at
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    Author

    Monte is the author of several  e-books on Amazon and smashwords.com


    Buy Monte's e-books:
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