Do you make New Year Resolutions? How long do they last? Mine never last long. I thought if I blog about it, maybe I can keep my resolutions. Here they are:
​1.      I resolve not to have any more birthdays when I turn 75. Age 75 is the medium. Per the CDC, 5% of the population will die before they reach 40 and 50% will die before they reach 75. Of those over 75, 100% will die. Therefore, it makes good sense to stop getting older, probably at 39 but since I missed that one, I’ll go for 75.
2.      I resolve to lose weight. I’m going to try that Chinese diet. You can eat all you want, but you get only one chop stick. My back up diet is the one where when you put something in your mouth, if it tastes good, you spit it out.
3.      I resolve to start exercising. My doctor said that running my mouth, jumping to conclusions, racing to the bathroom, flapping my gums, rolling my eyes and yelling at the TV aren’t exercise.
4.      I resolve to be more tolerate of others. We should respect the opinions of others so matter how stupid they are.
5.      I resolve to eat more sensibly. I have trouble reading the label, and I know that I should eat more vegetables. Vegetables are green (most of them) and good for you. Therefore, if food comes in a green can or package, it must be healthy.
6.      I resolve to get more sleep. This will be easy. I’ll either had an extra hour to my two naps or add a third nap.
7.      I resolve to cook more and eat in rather than eating out or ordering take out. Here’s another easy one. If I can fit it into a microwave, I can cook it.
8.      I resolve to clean the house and keep it that way. One Mondays, I’ll dust and vacuum. On Tuesdays, I’ll clean the bathrooms. On Wednesdays, I’ll clean the kitchen and dining room. On… to hell with this.
9.      I resolve to write my Great American Novel. This should be easy. If I write one page per day, I’ll end the year with over 300 pages, enough for a novel. The trick is not to be distracted… oh, look, there’s some cute pictures of kittens on Facebook.
10.  I resolve to drink less coffee. I figure if I freeze the coffee, I can chew it.
11.  I resolve to drink less alcohol. I’ll stop drinking as soon as I discover a better way to get it down.
12.  I resolve to start mediating. I’ve tried mediation before. After five minutes, I usually fall asleep. Maybe this time it’ll stick.
13.  I resolve to watch less TV. Of course, I do have a few exceptions: crime/detective shows, comedies, news, movies, documentaries, realities show, anything on the history channel, medical shows and any show after 6 PM.
What New Year resolutions do you have? Let’s hear them. Good luck keeping them.
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I read an article on WritersLife.org by Bethany Cadman, “5 Signs You Might Not Be Cut Out to Write”. She listed things like you aren’t enjoying writing, you don’t make an effort, you have more important goals, you resent the time you have to spend writing, and you’re sick of being rejected. I couldn’t agree more.
 I write a blog and often get discouraged. There are many subtle signs that you aren’t cut out to be a blogger. These signs are:
1.      Your family unfriends you on Facebook after your most resent post.
2.      You write a controversial article but get no hate mail or threats.
3.      People who don’t follow you try to unfollow you.
4.      A writing teacher asks to use your blog as an example of poor writing.
5.      Your mother corrects your grammar.
6.      Your spellchecker underlines every other word.
7.      You get in an argument with your spellchecker.
8.      When you try to post something in your blog, your computer asks if you really want to post it.
9.      No one tries to plagiarize your work.
10.  Your friends give you dictionaries for Christmas gifts.
11.  You google your name, and nothing comes up.
12.  Your printer refuses to print anything you write.
13.  All the comments on your posts concern grammar and not the subject.
14.  No one is suing you.
15.  Your significant other doesn’t know what you do for a living.
16.  Your kids won’t invite you to Career Day at school.
17.  Your friends and family are surprised to learn that you’re still alive.
18.  You went on vacation for two weeks and didn’t post anything, and no one noticed.
19.  No one shares your posts.
20.  President Trump isn’t denouncing you publicly.
If you notice any of these signs, maybe you should reconsider whether you want to continue writing a blog.
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I copied this from the VFW web site. 

The Veterans of Foreign Wars of the U.S. extends its warmest season’s greetings to all our nation’s veterans, service members, and their families and advocates. Many of us will be fortunate to celebrate the holidays with family and friends from the comfort and safety of our own homes, but please remember that thousands of soldiers, sailors, airmen, Marines, and Coast Guardsmen will be spending this sacred time separated from their loved ones.

By now you know that the Trump administration is prohibiting officials at the CDC from using certain words or phrases such as: “vulnerable,” “entitlement,” “diversity,” “transgender,” “fetus,” “evidence-based” and “science-based.” I can under that. I used to work in a nursing home and we discouraged the use of words like “deadline” and “drop dead date.” If you’re like me, you had to ask yourself, “Is there only seven?”
 I think the Trump administration over looked several other words that should be banned. Here is my list of other words that the CDC shouldn’t use:
Sick as a dog
Stink eye or evil eye
Puke or puking your guts out
Montezuma’s revenge
Turkey trots

I’m sure there’re more.
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I read with interest and article on my news feed titled “12 ways good drivers lose their licenses” from Insutrance.com written by Karen Aho. She listed things like unpaid parking tickets, driving without insurance, overdue student loans and failure to pay child support. Of course, she missed some of the obvious ones. As a public service, I list 10 more ways to lose your license. Drive safely.
1.      Shooting at the police. In spite of the Second Amendment, in most states, shooting at the police is grounds to lose your license.
2.      Stealing a police vehicle. While this may be humorous, it is frowned upon by law enforcement. Don’t do it.
3.      Running over people in a crosswalk. For us older folks who grew up with games like Frogger, the classic video arcade game, it’s hard to realize there are no points for running down a pedestrian in a crosswalk.
4.      Trying to jump the gap on a draw bridge. I know it’s a challenge and to succeed would be tremendous, but the authorities could take your license if you do. If you fail, no one cares.
5.      Stopping in the middle of the road to pick up road kill. It might be overlooked if you share.
6.      Trying to see how far you can drive before running off the road with your eyes closed. I know we have all tried this, but law enforcement takes a dim view of this game.
7.      Trimming your toe nails while driving. It’s best to have a passenger trim your nails while driving. Don’t attempt this by yourself.
8.      Pretending to be a cop and pulling people over. This goes hand-in-hand with number 2 above.
9.      Making breakfast while you drive. Better to just go to a burger joint.
10.  Shooting squirrels from your car. I know, you have a right to have a weapon, but using it may be illegal. This may vary by state.
I’m sure you can think of other ways to lose your driving license. Tell me about them.
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Since the allegations against media mogul Harvey Weinstein and actors Kevin Spacey and Ben Affleck in the entertainment industry and John Conyers, Al Franken, Donald Trump, and many, many others in government; churches across the country are finding their switchboards inundated with requests for confessions and forgiveness. Many churches have installed a telephonic confession app to speed up the process of confession. Most churches are use the telephone number extension -- 666. Here’s a copy of the Dial a Confession App.
“Hello, lost child of God. Thank you for waiting. Do you feel remorse and guilt for your sins? Are you ready to confess and to obtain forgiveness for your sexual misconduct? Then you have called the right place. This hot line is for sexual harassment, sexual misconduct or rape only. All other sins will be handled in the usual fashion at church. Read the entire menu before selecting. After selecting from the menu, at the beep, confess your sin. After you confess, remain on the line for one or two minutes for an automated reply with your penance, absolution and forgiveness. If you don’t hear your penance within two minutes, it means you haven’t been forgiven. Please try again later. Due to the high demand for redemption, please confess only one sin during this call. Call again another day for multiple sins. Your confession may be recorded for quality control purposes or possible legal action. Please select from the following menu:
1.      If you are a powerful mogul or actor in the entertainment industry, dial 1.
2.      If you are the President, an ex-president, or a politician, dial 2.
3.      If you are a famous news anchor, dial 3.
4.      If you are a powerful or famous person in another industry, dial 4.
5.      If your sin is more than 20 years old, dial 5.
6.      If you’re not sure what you did is a sin, dial 6.
7.      If you sent sex toys to co-workers, exposed yourself to co-workers, pinched someone’s ass or fondled them, dial 7.
8.      If you traded a promotion for sex, dial 8
9.      If you’re a pedophile, or committed rape, dial 9.
10.  If the Statute of Limitations has expired on your sins, hang up and come back to church.
Please consider a tax-free donation commensurate with your transgression. You may provide your credit card information, or mail a check to the church.”
Churches hope this app will clear up the backlog for confession in one or two years.
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I love detective shows but sometimes the action seems predictable. Here’s my spoof of a typical crime show. I have reformatted it to make it fit. Enjoy.
 
SCENE: Typical hotel bedroom. Man and woman in bed making love. The woman is on top. Camera shots from six different angles. Close up on MARTHA ANDREWS’ face.
 
Cut to front of hotel. CHRIS ANDREWS enters, walks through lobby, takes elevator to 44th floor, walks down hallway, stops at a room, takes out a set of burglary tools and picks the lock. Opens door and walks in.
 
CHRIS: Martha?
 
MARTHA: Chris! Don’t you ever knock?
 
CHRIS: Martha! What is going on?
 
MARTHA: (jumping out of bed and pulling a sheet around herself) Don’t be stupid. You can see what is going on. Or can’t you remember?
 
CHRIS: Why, Martha? I love you. I’ll forgive you.
 
MARTHA: I love you too. I will always love you. I’m just not in love with you.
 
CHRIS: What the hell does that mean?
 
MARTHA: I don’t know. It’s in the script. I just read the lines. I don’t have to understand them.
 
CHRIS: Who’s this guy?
 
MARTHA: Who? I’ll tell you who. He’s a real man who loves me. He loves me for who I am, not who he expects me to be. He loves me for myself. He is concerned about my emotional needs. He treats me with respect, not like some trophy wife.
 
CHRIS: No, I mean what is his name?
 
MARTHA: If you must know, he name is John.
 
BILL: Actually, my name is Bill. Bill Smith
 
CHRIS: Yeah, right.
 
MARTHA: Shut up Bill! Keep out of this. This is between my husband and me.
 
BILL: (getting out of bed) I didn’t realize you were married. Perhaps, I should go. (starts to get dressed)
 
MARTHA: No, stay. I’ll get rid of him.
 
BILL: I must get back to work anyway.
 
CHRIS: Why him?
 
MARTHA: (starts to get dressed) He’s twice the man you are.
 
CHRIS: That’s because he must weigh 500 pounds.
 
BILL: Please! I weigh 450 pounds and not a pound more.
 
CHRIS: How could you, Martha?
 
MARTHA: Well, I have to stay on top.
 
CHRIS: No, I meant how could you do this to me?
 
Martha gives Chris a quizzical look.
 
CHRIS: I am talking about our marriage. How could you do this to our marriage?
 
MARTHA: Oh. Come on! We’ve been married for two weeks. How long did you expect me to be faithful?
 
CHRIS: Longer than two weeks.
 
MARTHA: You should’ve said something.
 
CHRIS: Do the words, forsaking all others mean anything to you?
 
MARTHA: No. Should they?
 
CHRIS: They were part of our marriage vows.
 
MARTHA: Again, if it was in the script, I don’t have to know what it means.
 
BILL: How much do I owe you?
 
MARTHA: Two hundred. Same as last week.
 
BILL: Will I see you again?
 
MARTHA: Of course. Next week. Same time.
 
BILL: (hands Martha two one hundred-dollar bills. They kiss.) See you next week.
 
BILL exits.
 
MARTHA: (Martha holds one of the bills up to the light.) Stop him! These bills are counterfeit!
 
Chris pulls out his gun and runs after Bill. He sees Bill get into an elevator, but the doors close before he can stop it. Chris runs down 45 flights of stairs and exits in the basement. He then runs up one flight of stairs to the first floor. He searches the lobby frantically. He sees Bill outside getting into a car. He runs outside just as Martha pulls up in a corvette.
 
MARTHA: Get in! (Chris gets into the car and Martha speeds off after Bill)
 
CHRIS: How did you get here so fast?
 
MARTHA: Special effects.
 
CHRIS: That’s a different outfit. What’s with the mini-skirt? You usually wear pantsuits.
 
MARTHA: The director wants to show off my legs.
 
CHRIS: Well, you look fantastic. How come your hair is perfect, and now you have makeup on? Where did you find the time?
 
MARTHA: Look! Can we hold off on the interrogation until we catch this guy? You know damn well that we shot the hotel scene yesterday. Today is the car chase scene. Besides, my contract says I have to look good. The studio must give me six close-up headshots every episode.
 
CHRIS: Don’t lose him.
 
MARTHA: You always say that. I never lose them. Now go ahead and say the other word.
 
CHRIS: What other word?
 
MARTHA: You know damn well. Every car chase scene you say it.
 
CHRIS: Faster?
 
SERIES OF SHOT—TYPICAL CAR CHASE SCENES
 
Cars skid around corners and run other cars off the road. More police cars join the chase. Finally, Bill’s car crashes—flipping over a dozen times and exploding in flames. Bill emerges unhurt with his hands up. The police are so ticked they shoot him anyway.
 
CHRIS: (removes Bill’s wallet) Let’s see who this guy really is. (opens wallet) His driver’s license says his name is Bill Smith.
 
MARTHA: What the...? Wait a minute. (takes out the hundred dollar bills and holds them up to the light) I guess the joke’s on me. These bills aren’t phony after all. My bad. (Chris takes out his service pistol and points it at Martha)
 
MARTHA: What are you doing? What’s going on?
 
CHRIS: Come on Martha. You have been around long enough to know that when the studio doesn’t renew your contract, the writers write you out of the series. Your contract expires next week.
 
MARTHA: Don’t do it, Chris. If we stick together, we can both get better contracts.
 
CHRIS: Too late. I already signed my new contract. I get a bedroom scene and eight close up headshots in every episode. Goodbye, Martha. It’s been great working with you.
 
MARTHA: Wait! The studio will never find a replacement for my character by next episode.
 
CHRIS: They have already. You remember that young woman that we hired as an intern two episodes ago?
 
MARTHA: You mean that 20 something with the silicone breasts?
 
CHRIS: Uh, yeah, that one. In the next episode she is promoted to detective first class and takes your place.
 
MARTHA: No! If you shoot me, I’ll never work with you again. Do you know what that means?
 
CHRIS: Sorry, Darling, but it’s in the script. I don’t have to know what it means.
 
Chris shoots Martha three times. He walks over to her body and shoots her in the head for good measure.
 
The End
 
$$$$
 
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Speaker of the House Paul Ryan announced the House will introduce mandatory anti-sexual harassment (MASH) training for its members to end the culture of misogyny and serial harassers. Other types of harassment are still allowed. He didn’t announce the scope of the training or the location. He also didn’t state whether the “mandatory” training will be “required” of everyone. Rumor has it the training will take place at a secret location. One location being considered is the Trump National Golf Club in Palm Beach, Florida. I was able to obtain from a confidential source a copy of the “anti-sexual harassment training” proposed for Congress. This MASH training has been used successfully to help celebrities and politicians keep their reputations. The training is intended to last for one week. Below is a copy of the curriculum.
 
Mandatory Anti-Sexual Harassment (MASH) Training for Congress
 
Sunday Optional Mixer
Join us in a mixer for all attendees Sunday night at 7 PM until whenever. Meet the instructors and mingle with fellow congressmen and women. Entertainment provided by Garrison Keillor, creator and former host of “A Prairie Home Companion” and comedian Louis C.K.
Mixer hosted by Hooters. NOTE: Congressmen must supply their own interns.
 
Monday Session
Morning session – “How to Hold a Press Conference 101”. Learn how to deny charges without using the telltale signs for lying. Learn how to say, “Mandatory Anti-Sexual Harassment Training” with a straight face. Learn how to publicly apologize and look sincere. In the afternoon, enjoy a panel discussion with panelists #LanceArmstrong, #EliotSpitzer, #Bill Clinton, and #AlexBaldwin.
 
Tuesday Session
Morning session – “How to Create a Culture of Misogyny”: Learn such techniques as wearing sunglasses all day to hide your eyes. Learn how to ask women (or men) in your office not to wear underwear. Instructors Bob Filner, ex-Mayor of San Diego, #BillCosby, actor and special guest instructor POTUS #DonaldTrump. The afternoon is golf training with guest instructor Tiger Woods.
 
Wednesday Session
Morning session – “How to Build a Secret Family”: Learn how to hide illegitimate children from expert Arnold #Schwarzenegger, actor and ex-Governor of California. In the afternoon there will be a four-ball golf tournament.
 
Thursday Session
Morning session – “Sexting for Beginners”: Learn the basis of sexting from sexting expert #AnthonyWeiner. (NOTE: This class has been canceled due to the instructor’s incarceration. Sorry for any inconvenience. Instead we offer “How to Avoid Blackmail” from talk show host #DavidLetterman.) The afternoon is the final golf tournament – #Democrats against #Republicans. Winner will be endorsed by POTUS. (NOTE: Independents must pick a side).
 
Friday Session
Morning session – “Yes, You Can Keep Your Old Job”. Instructor #MarkSanford, re-elected Congressman for South Carolina.
 
Saturday Morning Closing Ceremony
Graduation ceremony for those who have not dropped out of the program or who failed to get re-elected. (NOTE: Please double check to make sure you have your own golf clubs and interns.)
 
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