Blog Archives - Monte R Anderson - Author

New Year Resolutions That Work

12/30/2019

I finished my list of New Year’s resolutions. Here they are:

I resolve not to have any more birthdays when I turn 75. Age 75 is the medium. Per the CDC, 5% of the population will die before they reach 40 and 50% will die before they reach 75. Of those over 75, 100% will die. Therefore, it makes good sense to stop getting older, probably at 39 but since I missed that one, I’ll go for 75.

I resolve to lose weight. I’m going to try that new fasting diet. I doubt I can skip a whole meal, so I’m just going to do a half-fast diet. Not to worry, I have a couple of back up diets like the Chinese diet. In the Chinese diet, you can eat all you want, but you get only one chop stick. My other back up diet is the one where when you put something in your mouth, if it tastes good, you spit it out.

I resolve to start exercising. My doctor said that running my mouth, jumping to conclusions, racing to the bathroom, flapping my gums, rolling my eyes and yelling at the TV aren’t enough exercise.

I resolve to be more tolerate of others. We should respect the opinions of others so matter how stupid they are.

I resolve to eat more sensibly. I have trouble reading the label, and I know that I should eat more vegetables. Vegetables are green (most of them) and good for you. Therefore, if food comes in a green can or package, it must be healthy.

I resolve to get more sleep. This will be easy. I’ll either had an extra hour to my two naps or add a third nap.

I resolve to cook more and eat in rather than eating out or ordering take out. Here’s another easy one. If it can fit it into a microwave, I can cook it.

I resolve to clean the house and keep it that way. One Mondays, I’ll dust and vacuum. On Tuesdays, I’ll clean the bathrooms. On Wednesdays, I’ll clean the kitchen and dining room. On… to hell with this.

I resolve to write my Great American Novel. This should be easy. If I write one page per day, I’ll end the year with over 300 pages, enough for a novel. The trick is not to be distracted… oh, look, there’s some cute pictures of kittens on Twitter.

I resolve to drink less coffee. I figure if I freeze the coffee, I can chew it. Does coffee cake count?

I resolve to drink less alcohol. I’ll stop drinking as soon as I discover a better way to get it down. Once again, I can freeze it and chew it.

I resolve to start mediating. I’ve tried mediation before. After five minutes, I usually fall asleep. Maybe this time it’ll stick.

I resolve to watch less TV. Of course, I do have a few exceptions: crime/detective shows, comedies, news, movies, documentaries, realities show, anything on the history channel, medical shows and any show after 6 PM.

Wish me luck. What New Year resolutions do you have?

New Year’s Resolutions

12/27/2019

Working on my New Year’s Resolutions. Here’s what I’ve got so far:

Next year I resolve to
Next year I resolve to
Next year I resolve to
Next year I resolve to
Next year I resolve to
Next year I resolve to
Next year I resolve to
Next year I resolve to
Next year I resolve to
Next year I resolve to

I hope to finish in time for the new year.

Space Force Structure Revealed

12/23/2019

President Trump signed a $738 billion defense spending bill on Friday and created the sixth military branch of the United States. Initially, it will consist of 16,000 Air Force active duty and civilian personnel. The Space Force will most likely not follow traditional structures and other traditions. Rumors have it that the structure may follow Star Wars and other space movies with which the public may be familiar. For example, the officer corps won’t be referred to as “officers”. The plan calls for them to be called “Jedi”. The enlisted ranks will be called “Stormtroopers”. In addition to the Jedi and Stormtrooper, there will also be a Clone Corps (yet to be invented) and an Android Corps (yet to be invented). Robots will be considered just tools. For now, the only aliens accepted must be born on the planet Earth. The uniforms will look like the Empire uniforms in the movie Star Wars. Focus groups are now considering a logo and official song. Of course, there’ll be a Space Acdemy probably located on the moon.
The Space Force rank structure will look like this:
Jedi Ranks, from top to bottom, consist of Jedi Master, Grand Moff, Moff, High Admiral, Fleet Admiral, Admiral, Vice Admiral, Rear Admiral, Commodore, Captain of the Line, Captain, Commander, Lieutenant Commander, and Space Cadet.
Stormtrooper ranks from top to bottom, consist of Sergeant, Squad Leader, Corporal and Private

The names of space vessels (smallest to largest) will also change to solar sailers, landing crafts, light interceptors, light anti-fighters, corvettes, Gauntlet fighters, patrol cruisers, battle stations, Star Destroyers and battle cruisers. A cluster of cruisers would be called a Cluster Fleet.
May the Farce be with you.

Extreme and Impractical Ways to Avoid the Flu Bug

12/20/2019

It’s flu season (once again), but this year, the flu bug is particularly vicious. Health experts say the influenza season is more severe than usual. Many more people are sick with the flu compared with the same time last year. Medical experts report that the dominant strain of influenza, H3N2, may be more resistant to treatment while the flu vaccine is less effective against it. It might be time to consider more extreme methods to avoid the flu bug. Here are my recommendations on how to avoid becoming a victim of the flu:

Avoid touching your face, particularly your eyes, nose or mouth. I know you have all heard this, but if you’re like me, as soon as someone tells you to not touch your face, you get this overwhelming urge to do so. The best way to not touch your face is to wear gloves. Latex gloves are fine, but you may want to use something better like mittens or boxing gloves (I prefer the 16 oz. gloves). A hasty solution if you don’t have gloves is to use duct tape around each hand. Be careful not to tape your hands together. Another hasty solution is to wear handcuffs. Cuff yourself with your hands behind your back. If you absolutely must touch your face, use a back scratcher.

Cover your mouth and nose when you cough or sneeze. This is another preventive method I know you already know. Don’t use your hand or you will have the virus on your hands. This is another time that the gloves come in handy. I know you’ve seen people sneeze or cough in their elbow. If you have trouble reaching your elbow, use someone else’s elbow. Coughing into your knee is better, if you can pull it off.

Wash your hands. Soap and water can only go so far. Using alcohol-based hand sanitizer is better, but you might not have that available. In a pinch, try sticking your hands in a fire or place them on the stove. If you can microwave your hands – even better. Ultraviolet light can kill the flu virus. Therefore, get plenty of sunshine or go to a sun tanning salon. Sandblasting also works.

Avoid shaking hands, hugging or kissing. If you still must touch, as in the case of significant other or family, try the popular chest bump. If that isn’t your style, then use the hip bump or the butt bump. A technique that is gaining popularity is the elbow touch—just the outer side. Avoid the Eskimos nose kiss. Whatever works.

Don’t touch anything. Flu viruses can be spread by touching contaminated surfaces and then touching the mouth or eyes. (See above about wearing gloves.) The best technique is to avoid touching anything. Wrap yourself in several layers of clothing, bubble wrap or duct tape. The best thing to do is to lock yourself in your home starting in September and don’t come out until May. Hey, bears do it.

Avoid people, especially people who are sick. Well, duh! If you must leave home, then avoid people – all people. That will eliminate the problem of shaking hands, hugging and kissing. You must also avoid birds, swine and Russians.

Please stay healthy this year and get a flu shot.

More Things you Should Never do on your Computer at Work

12/16/2019

I read with interest an article on my news feed by Kate Villa, the “6 Things You Should Never Do on Your Work Computer”. Kate list these things:

Never Save Personal Files to Your Desktop. ...
Don't Go to Any Sites You Wouldn't Show Your Boss. ...
Don't Have Personal Conversations Over Office Chat. ...
Fight the Urge to Shop Online. ...
Don't Use Your Personal Email. ...
Don't Search for Jobs at Other Companies.

As usual when people make these lists, Kate missed the mark by a mile. Here’s my list of the additional things you never should do on your work computer. Your work computer should never be used to:

Sext: clients might be interested in the junk your company sells, but they aren’t interested in your junk.
Order food delivery to you at the office—unless you order enough for everyone.
Gossip—unless it’s really juicy gossip.
Participate in teleconferences in your underwear.
Troll for dates.
Setting alarms to wake you up—use a wind up alarm or your iPhone.
Purchase drugs—use the regular office dealer.
Watch porn—unless, of course, your company is in that industry.
Gamble—unless, of course, the entire office participates.
Write a tell all expose about your company. If you want to be a whistleblower, use you home computer.
Write the next great American novel on company time.
Connect to the hidden cameras you installed in the restrooms.
Plagiarize from co-workers.

I hope this will keep you out of trouble and employed.

Wisdom from an Old Man

12/14/2019

Wisdom from an Old Man; You’ll know you’re a ghost when the motion detectors don’t activate the lights or doors for you.

Crime is on the Rise, Again

12/13/2019

I read with interest an item in our local paper about a driver who was stopped by the police for not wearing a seat belt. In his glove compartment the police found an unloaded pistol. It was registered to the driver.
Apparently, he argued with the police, because these are the charges:
Failure to wear a seat belt while driving – first degree.
Failure to wear a seat belt while driving – second degree.
Failure to wear a seat belt while driving – third degree.
Concealing a weapon without a permit to carry a concealed weapon. (It was in his glove compartment.)
Failure to properly secure a concealed weapon. (The glove compartment wasn’t locked.)
Failure to properly notify police of concealed weapon in a car when stopped for not wearing a seat belt.
Failure to fully cooperate with police while they conducted an illegal search of automobile.
Making non-verbal faces at police during illegal search of automobile.
Failure to not memorize the serial number of a concealed weapon.
Failure to have committed a more serious crime worth citing.

Remember to always cooperate with law enforcement officers.

More Ways Americans Waste #Money

12/9/2019

I read with interest an article on my newsfeed written by Lia Sestric, “6 Really Dumb Ways Americans Waste Money.” Lia mentioned overspending on education, purchasing expensive diapers, buying unnecessary baby stuff, betting on lottery tickets, failing to shop for bargains, and insisting on lavish weddings. In my opinion, she wasn’t even close. Here is my list of more ways people waste money:

Sending money to someone in Nigeria who claims you inherited a large sum of money. This is a scam, folks.
Using your savings to invest in your brother’s or brother-in-law’s stupid ideas. In the case of the brother-in-law, you can’t stand the guy anyway, but you married his sister. Your brother or sister is a different issue. This is a tough one. Never lend money to family -- period. Good luck with this.
Enrolling in Trump University. I’m sure you thought this was a god deal. It’s overpriced folks. Go to the local community college.
Buying swamp land that might be drained. You don’t see this one much anymore. Here’s a hint; if you can’t see it, don’t buy it.
Spending a lot of money to buy a map to the Lost Dutchman's Gold Mine. Think About it; so many maps to the mine have been sold that someone must have found the gold by now.
Spending money to claim a prize someone says you won even though you never entered a contest. Another scam, folks.
Spending a lot of money on drugs (prescription drugs, over the counter drugs, under the counter drugs, meth, pot, cocaine, heroin, coffee, alcohol, cigarettes, candy, sugar and liquorish). Enough said.
Buying bottled water. Tap water is just as good, and it has fluoride for your teeth. The bottles are made of plastic which comes from oil – bad for the landfill and the environment. Just drink tap water and save. You can reuse the old water bottles and fool your snobbish friends.
Paying too much for sex. Sex should be free. If you must pay for it, you’re wasting money. Now, “good” sex is something else. That’s going to cost you.
Spending too much on pets. Pets shouldn’t cost anything. If you have a dog or cat, yes, it’s expensive. Pets should be free. Forget dogs or cats; cockroaches make great pets and they don’t eat much. They never bark.

I hope this helps everyone to cut expenses.

Count Your Lucky Stars

12/6/2019

I may have figured out a way to count the number of stars in the universe. Follow these steps:

1. Section off a portion of the sky about a million square miles. You may have to eyeball this.
2. Count the number of stars in this section. Take your time.
3. Now multiple that number by infinity.

That should give you a rough estimate of the number of stars in the universe. If you have trouble doing this, try it at night.

Subtle Signs You Aren’t Cut Out to Write a Blog

12/2/2019

I read an article on WritersLife.org by Bethany Cadman, “5 Signs You Might Not Be Cut Out to Write”. She listed things like you aren’t enjoying writing, you don’t make an effort, you have more important goals, you resent the time you have to spend writing, and you’re sick of being rejected. I couldn’t agree more.
I write a blog and often get discouraged. There are many subtle signs that you aren’t cut out to be a blogger. These signs are:
Your family unfriends you on Facebook after your most resent post.
You write a controversial article but get no hate mail or threats.
People who don’t follow you try to unfollow you.
A writing teacher asks to use your blog as an example of poor writing.
Your mother corrects your grammar.
Your spellchecker underlines every other word.
You get in an argument with your spellchecker.
When you try to post something in your blog, your computer asks if you really want to post it.
No one tries to plagiarize your work.
Your friends give you dictionaries as Christmas gifts.
You google your name, and nothing comes up.
Your printer refuses to print anything you write.
All the comments on your posts concern grammar and not the subject.
No one is suing you.
Your significant other doesn’t know what you do for a living.
Your kids won’t invite you to Career Day at school.
Your friends and family are surprised to learn that you’re still alive.
You went on vacation for two weeks and didn’t post anything, and no one noticed.
No one shares your posts.
President Trump isn’t denouncing you publicly.
You don’t like coffee.

If you notice any of these signs, maybe you should reconsider whether you want to continue writing a blog.