Happy New Year
 
I actually forgot to post something in my blog yesterday. I’m getting forgetful in my old age. I’m working on my New Years Resolutions. Here’s what I have so far:I resolve to never watch anything that has a Kardashian in it.
I resolve to never watch any news concerning the British Royal Family.
I resolve to never vote for Jorge Santos. I didn’t vote for him, and I’m not in his district, but just the same…
I resolve to get along with my co-workers. Should be easy since I’m retired.
I resolve to never believe anything that former president Trump has to say. 
I resolve to get along with my co-workers. Should be easy since I’m retired.
​
I resolve to never believe anything that former president Trump has to say. Not that I ever did.

This is a work in progress. I hope to have a total of ten by New Years.
 
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 Simple Solutions to National Problems – Making Politicians Ethical
 With the former President continuing to tell lies about the 2020 election and other politicians following his lead, it's difficult, if not impossible to know the truth. However,
#Politics Can be #Ethical if the Rules are Changed.

Upon closer examination, I find the solutions for ethics in politics are obvious. Here are my recommendations:

1. I am a firm believer that we should provide all elected leaders with concubines (professional mistresses). If the public would acknowledge that people in power attract people of the oppose sex and may succumb to temptation, then this solution makes sense. This would eliminate the rumors, sneaking around (like to South America), the embarrassment, the excessive costs, the spending of taxpayers’ money and campaign contributions and the resignations of otherwise perfectly good politicians. These concubines would be on the payroll and paid according to the level of office. If an official does not want a concubine, he or she must take a vow of celibacy.

2. Politicians should not speak directly to reporters, voters or the public. They should wear a mask similar to Darth Vader of #StarWars. A picture of their face on the mask is optional. Their speech would have a built-in five second delay. When they talk, a panel of censers would have five seconds to intervene. Each censer would have a button like #America’sGotTalent. One censer would focus on sexist remarks and women’s issues. Another would focus on racist remarks and civil rights. The third censor would concentrate on homophobic remarks and gay rights. The fourth censor would focus on stupid remarks. The last censer would be a fact checker. Checking facts takes more than five seconds, so the censer must approve all facts before the politician speaks. If the politician attempts to quote a fact not approved earlier, this censor will intervene. If any of the censors hits their button, the intended remarks are replaced with the words, “No comment.” If three censors hit their buttons, the remarks are replaced with, “I’ll get back to you on that issue.” If all five censers hit their buttons, the remarks are replaced with, “Sun Tzu said, ‘You can’t make a snake straight by pushing it through a pipe.’” Since no one knows what the hell that means, the speech will end without further questions.

3. Prior to the #Primary election, all candidates should pose nude. This will prevent future problem with selfies, etc. Voters can say, “Okay, now that we have seen you, keep it in your pants.”

4. Bribes should not be secret. A new law would state that bribes are okay but must be public. Bribes would not go to the individual but must go to his or her campaign or, if in office, to the national budget. The bribe must cover all the costs associated with the action desired at no increase in budget, taxes or cost to the people. For example, if someone wants a bridge to nowhere, the bribe must cover all the associated costs of installing and operating the bridge.

5. Prior to the Primary election, candidates must submit to a drug test by an independent lab. The oath of office should include a vow of sobriety. Once in office, officials would be subject to random drug tests twice per month. Come on! We do this in other professions. Let’s get serious.

6. Elected officials must attend rehab prior to taking the oath of office. This will prevent their absence while in office. While we are at it, this should also take sensitivity training.
​
AUTHOR’S NOTE: To the humorously challenged, this is a satire -- maybe.
 
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I have posted a similar article on brains as a public service. I thought I should do the same for asses or butts. There are many misconceptions about the ass, such as:
 
Ass Hole. This is a phrase used to insult someone. This is used to indicate someone who is a jerk. It should not be confused with an actual ass hole or butt hole which is where people place suppositories for constipation or hemorrhoids.
 
Kiss my ass. This is another phrase used to insult someone. Of course, it is entirely possible. It should not be confused with ass kisser.
 
Ass kisser/kiss ass. Usually used toward someone who gets promoted for no apparent reason.
 
Jackass. This is another insult. It should never be used around people named Jack.
 
Dumb ass.  This is another insult. Technically not possible since asses have no brains. No brains is what makes an ass dumb to begin with.
 
Drag ass. Not usually an insult. It usually means tired unless it is used to force someone into court or a hospital.
 
Lazy ass. This is another insult. It’s the opposite of drag ass but not in a good sense.
 
Kick ass. It means to defeat an opponent in a game or event.
 
Head up your ass. This is another insult but technically impossible unless you’re a politician.
 
Ass chewing. This is a real thing but not as indicated. It means to be scolded by your boss or spouse.
 
Asinine (stupid). This word should never be confused with asses. Sometimes a stupid ass might be asinine, but it is a separate word.
 
Butt heads. This usually means to have a confrontation unless you’re a professional fighter or just in a physical fight with someone.
 
Head butt. This is the proper term to use to mean physically smashing your head into someone.
 
Half assed/half ass. This term is also technically not correct. People can’t live with just half an ass. It means to do something incorrectly or just sloppy.
 
Bad ass. This term was once considered an insult but has evolved to be a compliment. It means to intimidating.
 
Big ass. This term was once considered an insult but has evolved into a compliment. Big asses are all the rage now days.
 
I hope this clears up some misconceptions about the ass or butt. Try not to over think this.
 
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​

Donald #Trump made refugees a political issue when he proposed banning Muslims from entering the US. Other presidential candidates have weighed in on one side or another.

In 2014, the United States government declared a crisis at the border to address the rapid increase in the number of unaccompanied children and, to a lesser extent, women, migrating through border checkpoints and/or unguarded entry points, especially into Texas. This continues to be a crisis. Refugee advocates are hoping that the Biden administration will bring significant changes. However, the Biden administration has emphasized that the crisis is based in several origin countries in Central America. A solution is needed ASAP.
 
Here's one idea; recruit mercenaries. Many of these refugees already have some military training. Using mercenaries is not new concept. Throughout history, governments have hired mercenaries to fight their battles. I’m sure you have heard of the Gurkha regiments of the British and Indian armies, and the French Foreign Legion. We need our own foreign legion. The Greeks often provided mercenaries, sometimes fighting each other on opposing armies. Of course, you have heard of the Swiss Guards who guard the Pope in Vatican City. Indian, Germany and Polish mercenaries were used by the Americans, French and British in the American Revolutionary War. Later, American Native-Indians were employed as scouts in the West. More recently, Montagnard tribesmen were hired by the US Army in Vietnam and used as scouts (Kit Karson Scouts). Off course you know about the Afghanistan national hired by the US and, unfortunately, left behind to the Taliban. Enough history.
 
We should also consider forming fighting units made up of refugees and commanded by US Army officers. We could promise them citizenship after several years. We could hire them straight out as mercenaries or have them join the US Army. It makes sense.

Here’s another idea; If we aren’t doing so already, we should be culling the refugees for use as spies to infiltrate South American countries and elsewhere. They know the language, the terrain and in some cases, they know the enemy.
​
Refugees are a large labor pool that could be used to do the jobs like farming that refugees usually do anyway.
 
Problem solved.
 
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​

I finally broke through my writer's block and wrote this short crime story. #ShortStories. Enjoy.

The Missing Wife

Bernard Agani sat patiently in a police interrogation room, waiting for the investigators to arrive and tell him why they asked to return to the police headquarters again. He thought about his wife who disappeared four days ago, and the police still have no clues about where she might be. What terror she must be going through. After what felt like an eternity to him when every minute counted, two detectives entered and sat down at the table opposite Bernard. Bernard referred to them, in his own mind, as Frick and Frack.

Before the detectives could sit down, Bernard asked, “Why am I here? My wife is still missing and you’re wasting time talking to me when you should be searching for her. Unless you have something to tell me now.”

“We do, actually. Please be patient, and we’ll get to it.” the detective Bernard thought of as Frick said. He was tall and thin. “First we need to clear up a few things.”

“I gave a statement to the police the same day I reported her missing.”

“Yes, sir, we have that,” the other detective that Bernard thought of as Frack said. He was an older gentleman, clean shaven and bald. “You’ve been very cooperative, but we need to clarify a few discrepancies.”

“Like what?” Bernard asked, a little irritated.

“Well, to start,” Frick said, “on the day you reported your wife missing, and we searched your home looking for possible clues, you volunteered your laptop and cell phone. You said you couldn’t find your wife’s phone.” Bernard nodded in agreement. Our cyber forensic department found a few things on your laptop that, frankly, are disturbing. We were wondering if you can clear them up for us. It would help us to find your wife.

“Discrepancies like what?”

“For example,” Frick continued, “your search history shows you were seeking information on how to make a body disappear. Can you explain that, please.”

Bernard smiled, “Of course. I’m a novelist. All my novels are murder mysteries. I research things to make my novels believable.”

“Then a week after that search, your wife disappears. Coincident?”

“Yes. In all my other novels, the victims are shot. This time I wanted to try something different.”

“One of the things you found out was to use lye to dissolve a body. A search of you garage turned up several bags of lye. Another coincidence?”

“I don’t where those bags of lye came from. I certainly didn’t buy them.”

“And yet, we found a security video of you buying the lye at a hardware store the day after your wife disappeared.”

Bernard shift in his chair. “I may have bought some just to see what it looked like. I don’t remember.”

“Ten bags?” Frack asked.

“I don’t know. I was in shock. I thought my wife might have been killed.”

“No matter,” Frick said. “we’ll circle back to that. Do you have a draft of your manuscript? We could find one on your computer?”

“No, No. Here’s the way I write all my novels. I write everything in my head before I commit anything to my computer. There’s no draft manuscript.”

“Barnard, you haven’t published another book since you wife died ten years ago,” Frack pointed out.
Before the detectives could continue, the Chief of Detectives knocked on the door and stuck his head inside. He motioned for the two detectives to step into the hallway. Twenty minutes later, Frick and Frack returned.

“Mr. Agani… Bernard,” Frick started, “while we were interviewing you, other detectives were executing a search warrant on your house.”

“Without my permission?” Bernard demanded, half shouting. Frick held out one hand palm and motioned for Bernard to remain seated and to calm down.

“We didn’t need your permission in this case” Frack replied. “The first time we searched your house we considered you a possible suspect so, we were looking for things like motive, blood, and other evidence. That’s routine. We also searched your car. We found nothing.”

Of course not. I didn’t kill my wife.”

“That’s correct, Mr. Agani,” Frick said. “Because you don’t have a wife. You’re not married. There is no Mrs. Agani.”

“What?” Bernard shouted as he stood up. “That’s crazy.”

Both Frick and Frack stood up. “Please sit down, Bernard, or we’ll have to restrain you,” Frack said. Everyone sat back down. “When detectives searched you house this second time, they looked for any evidence of your wife. We didn’t find any photographs of your wife. There’s no record of a marriage license, no birth certificate, no driver’s license, no clothes, no makeup, nor any meds for your wife.”

Before Bernard could reply, Frick asked, “Where’s your wedding ring?”

Bernard looked at his left hand in shock. “Damn. I don’t know. I must have lost it.”

 “We did find your meds in your house,” Frick said. He took two pill bottles out of his pocket and set them on the table in front of Bernard. “Olanzapine and fluoxetine! Commonly used to treat schizophrenia. These bottles are full. You haven’t been taking your med.”

“Those aren’t my meds. I never saw them before in my life. I swear.”

Frack pointed to the doctor’s name on one of the pill bottles. “We called your doctor. He just arrived a few minutes ago to give us a statement. We should be able to release you to him.”
“Dr. Ed is here?”

“Also, this isn’t the first time you reported your wife missing, is it?” Frick asked. “We checked our files. You’ve reported her missing twice before. Each time you had stopped taking your meds. You need help, Bernard. Listen to your doctor and take your meds.”

Frick and Frack stood up and left as Dr. Eduardo Gladwin stepped inside the interrogation room.
​ 
THE END
 
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​
 
 
 

A few years ago, I read with interest an article about the seven most common myths about the brain. In an ASAP Science video, Mitchell Moffit and Gregory Brown explained why they aren't true. I’ll just summarize the article. The myths are:

1. 1. A bigger brain is better (smarter). Not true.

2. Alcohol kills brain cells. Not true, thank goodness.  
3. Drugs create "holes" in your brain. Not true. Again, thank goodness.
4. The brain has 100 billion cells. Not true. The brain has only 86 billion brain cells. I get lightheaded thinking about it.
5. People use only 10% of your brain. Not true (unless you’re a politician).
6. People are either "left-brained" or "right-brained." Not true.
7. People have only five senses: sight, smell, taste, hearing, and touch. Also, not true. People also have a sense of balance, temperature, time, pain and proprioception (the body awareness that helps us not walk into things all the time). Makes sense to me.

I believe that Moffit and Brown missed a few myths. As a public service, I will present them here:
1. A “No Brainer.” Not true. If someone’s a no brainer, meaning they have no brain, then they are a zombie. At least, I don’t think zombies have brains.
2. “Blow your mind” or be “mind blowing.” Again, not true. If something blows your mind, once again, you become a zombie.
3. “Mind altering” or “mind expanding.” Not true. You brain is what it is. Once you become an adult, it is fully grown. It may shrink as you grow older but won’t expand. “Mime” altering is something else entirely.
4. Eating cold ice cream will make your “brain freeze.” Not true. Opening the top of your head on a cold day will freeze your brain.
5. Your brain can get a “brain cramp” or a “brain fart”. “Not true. Muscles cramp, not brains. Brains can’t fart either. The correct term should be “senior moment’ which can occur at any age.
6. Some people have only “half a brain.” Okay, this one might be true, especially if you’re a politician. This phenomenon can be observed on the news all the time.
7. “A penny for your thoughts.” Due to inflation, the true cost is 26.5 cents for a thought. People who work for a penny a thought are under paid. This is especially true for writers and bloggers like me.
8. Someone can get “inside your head” or “mess with your head.” Not true unless you’re a surgeon. Alcohol can get into your head and mess with your head but not people. If you really want to mess with someone’s head just ask, “You’re not going to wear that, are you?”
9. People can be “brain dead.” This one’s true. When people are brain dead, the body soon follows, and they are declared totally dead. Once that happens, they are either buried, become zombies (see #1 above), get elected to congress or become a candidate for President.
10. People can be “scatter brained.” Not true. Your brain is contained in your scull and can’t scatter. This should not be confused with having your “brains scattered” by some horrible accident.
 
I hope this helps you understand other people.
 
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​

I wrote this back in 2016 but it still applies. I updated some of it. Enjoy.

Subtle Signs that People Aren’t Listening to You

I read with interest an article about a new book, Power Cues: The Subtle Science of Leading Groups, Persuading Others, and Maximizing Your Personal Impact, by Nick Morgan. He talked about all the fake listening that people do while they act as if they are listening to you. He listed seven:
1. Their eye contact is too fixed, and their heads are too still.
2. They smile too brightly and for too long.
3. They tap their fingers.
4. They fidget.
5. Their body is turned away from you.
6 Their feet are pointed towards the door.
7. They don't mirror your body language.

This got me to thinking about other subtle ways you can tell people are not listening to you. Here are more:
1. They fall asleep. This is a dead giveaway.
2. They don’t notice when you stop talking.
3. You ask them a question and they just nod their heads.
4. They tell you in English that they don’t speak English.
5. They wave a crucifix and a strand of garlic at you and attempt to drive a stake into your heart.
6. They let their dog pee on your shoes.
7. They put coins into your coffee cup and walk away.
8. They hold up a lapel pin and ask you to speak into it.
9. They steal your watch and wallet.
10. They fake a heart attack, so they don’t have to listen to you.
11. They don’t take their eyes off their cellphones and say things like, “Keep talking, I’m listening (they aren’t).
12. Don’t remove their ear buds or headphones.
13. Answer a call on their cellphone.

If you notice this type of behavior, stop talking. Your audience has stopped listening to you.

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​$$$

I wrote this a few years ago, but it still resonates. Enjoy.

The Five People You’ll Meet in Hell--#ShortStories

You may have read Mitch Albom’s novel, The Five People You Meet in Heaven. If not, I recommend it. With a wink and a nod to Mr. Albom, I now present The Five People You Meet in Hell. Sorry, it’s a blog not a novel–maybe later.

Okay, you screwed up and you know it. You are going to hell. No sweat, you say. You have many friends in hell, so you won’t be lonely. True. The company you keep puts you in hell. Here’s a clue; your enemies are there too, and they are waiting for you. Here are the five people who will meet you at the gates of hell when you arrive:
1. Your ex-girlfriend/ boyfriend and/or ex-spouse. Remember how you cheated on your significant other? You cheated. You lied about it. You confessed and promised never to do it again. Then you cheated again and lied again. You thought you got away this last time. Your ex knows what you did and will confront you in hell. What you don’t know is that you caused your ex to have a crisis about his/her sexuality. He/she blamed him/herself more than you. Your ex went into therapy. Finally, he/she had a sex change operation. Your ex then joined a commune to “find him/herself.” In a freak accident, your ex smoked some loco weed that looked like marijuana. It was fatal. With his/her dying breath, he/she swore revenge on you.
 
2. Your best friend from high school/college? You remember your best friend? You two vowed to be best friends forever. That was until you stabbed your BF in the back. You stole your BF’s girl/guy. You did it without a thought of how you hurt him/her. What you don’t know is that your BF had trust issue after that. He/she never trusted anyone again. He/she became very bitter and mean. With no friends, your BF sat alone at home watching reruns of Gillian’s Island. It wasn’t cable or satellite, because your BF did not trust the installer to show up at all. In a freak accident, your ex was killed by a flock of pigeons while feeding them.
 
3. Your old boss. You do remember your old boss? The one that didn’t give you that bonus or promotion. He said you did not achieve the goals he set for you. He said you wasted time playing games on the computer and taking naps in the stockroom. It was all true. What you don’t know is that he didn’t get a bonus or promotion either. Your failure caused him to fail too. Eventually, the company fired him for poor performance. He couldn’t get another job because he couldn’t get a referral. The industry blackballed him. He became homeless and wandered around aimlessly – without goals. In a tragic accident, he was cooked to death due to a malfunction in the heating grate he was sleeping on. Investigators found your name scribbled on the side of his cardboard box with the words, “I’ll see you in hell.”
 
4. Your old schoolteacher. You must remember your old schoolteacher – the one that you caused to have a nervous breakdown? She was a 30-year veteran but had never met anyone as bad as you. She even told you to your face if you ever go to hell, she would find you and kill you -- again. What you may not know is she gave up teaching and joined a street gang. For several years, she committed drive by shootings of students. When her eyesight failed, she retired to a rural area in Montana. A black bear killed her when she tried to spank it after it climbed into her apple tree. She thought it was you. The police found a picture of you with your eyes gouged out in her cabin.
 
5. Jack Hodges. You remember Jack Hodges? Probably not. Everyone remembers him as One-eyed Jack. Your mom always told you not to throw pencils but when Jack asked to borrow a pencil, you threw it. Sure enough, he lost an eye. That was bad enough, but what you don’t know was worst. People bullied and teased One-eyed Jack the rest of his life. He finally had enough and chose a life of crime. One day the police caught up with him, and he died in a hail of bullets. The police said that with his dying breath, he said it was all your fault.
So, have fun in hell.

THE END

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​

I have posted this short story a few times, but it is so true, at least, for me. Enjoy.When the Memory Goes, Forgetaboutit-A Short Short Story

This year 2016 I’ll turn 77 years old--not looking forward to it. I’m already having memory issues. I’m trying to deal with them. Remembering things becomes a challenge as we get older -- I understand that. My memory was never very good anyway. Many, many years ago my wife gave me a birthday card. I thought it was funny, so I laughed. She said that she couldn’t do it anymore; she had given me that same card ten years in a row. I told my family to raise a finger for each time they heard a joke was about to repeat. Many times, they raised both hands and flashed ten fingers at me. The other day I told a joke and screwed up the punch line -- a rare thing for me.
In my experience, there seems to be three types of memory lost: the first is a total loss of memory of particular names, events or scheduled events; the second is a mixed match of memories (not remembering correctly or mixing two separate events together); and finally, false memories (remembering things that never happened – duh).

To help myself remember (total loss) or to remind myself of future events, I post notes to remind myself, mark up my calendar and use visual aids. I put them on my computer, refrigerator, and kitchen counters. I even put outgoing mail near the door where I’ll see it as I leave the house. I do struggle with names, but then, I always did. I often run into a person I haven’t seen for a while and can’t remember their name. I have on a couple of occasions, let the dog out and forgot to let her back in. She growled at me for two days. I don’t mind so much forgetting some events; somethings are better off forgotten.

Sometimes I would relate antidotes about friends only to be corrected and told I had the wrong person in the story or got the facts wrong. Now when I tell a story, I just say it happened to someone I know. Years ago, I told one humorous story to so many people that when I ran into the subject of the story and was told it wasn’t him but was someone else, I asked him not to tell anyone.
What I really hate is remembering things that never happened. For example, I was trying to remember if I took my morning meds and decided that I did. Later, I discovered that I hadn’t taken them. I was remembering something that never happened. Sometimes my wife will ask if I saw a particular TV show or movie and I’ll say I did only to discover later that I hadn’t seen it at all – a false memory.
​
As we grow older, our memories are often the best things we have. I hate losing them. They say the memory is the second thing to go as you get old. I forgot what the first thing was. I thought I’d better write this article before I forgetaboutit.

THE END

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