Mandatory Anti-Sexual Harassment (MASH) Training for Congress
Sunday Optional Mixer
Join us in a mixer for all attendees Sunday night at 7 PM until whenever. Meet the instructors and mingle with fellow congressmen and women. Entertainment provided by Garrison Keillor, creator and former host of “A Prairie Home Companion” and comedian Louis C.K.
Mixer hosted by Hooters. NOTE: Congressmen must supply their own interns.
Morning session – “How to Hold a Press Conference 101”. Learn how to deny charges without using the telltale signs for lying. Learn how to say, “Mandatory Anti-Sexual Harassment Training” with a straight face. Learn how to publicly apologize and look sincere. In the afternoon, enjoy a panel discussion with panelists #LanceArmstrong, #EliotSpitzer, #Bill Clinton, and #AlexBaldwin.
Morning session – “How to Create a Culture of Misogyny”: Learn such techniques as wearing sunglasses all day to hide your eyes. Learn how to ask women (or men) in your office not to wear underwear. Instructors Bob Filner, ex-Mayor of San Diego, #BillCosby, actor and special guest instructor POTUS #DonaldTrump. The afternoon is golf training with guest instructor Tiger Woods.
Morning session – “How to Build a Secret Family”: Learn how to hide illegitimate children from expert Arnold #Schwarzenegger, actor and ex-Governor of California. In the afternoon there will be a four-ball golf tournament.
Morning session – “Sexting for Beginners”: Learn the basis of sexting from sexting expert #AnthonyWeiner. (NOTE: This class has been canceled due to the instructor’s incarceration. Sorry for any inconvenience. Instead we offer “How to Avoid Blackmail” from talk show host #DavidLetterman.) The afternoon is the final golf tournament – #Democrats against #Republicans. Winner will be endorsed by POTUS. (NOTE: Independents must pick a side).
Morning session – “Yes, You Can Keep Your Old Job”. Instructor #MarkSanford, re-elected Congressman for South Carolina.
Saturday Morning Closing Ceremony
Graduation ceremony for those who have not dropped out of the program or who failed to get re-elected. (NOTE: Please double check to make sure you have your own golf clubs and interns.)
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