Here is a short script I wrote as a spoof of common TV detective shows. It’s a little long for a blog, so I’ll post it in two parts. I reformatted it to make it a little shorter. I hope you get a laugh from it.
Typical hotel bedroom. Man and woman in bed making love. The woman is on top. Camera shots from six different angles. Close up on MARTHA ANDREWS’ face.
Cut to front of hotel. CHRIS ANDREWS enters, walks through lobby, takes elevator to 44th floor, walks down hallway, stops at a room, takes out a set of burglary tools and picks the lock. Opens door and walks in.
CHRIS: Martha?
MARTHA: Chris! Don’t you ever knock?
CHRIS: Martha! What is going on?
MARTHA: (jumping out of bed and pulling a sheet around herself) Don’t be stupid. You can see what is going on. Or can’t you remember?
CHRIS: Why, Martha? I love you. I will forgive you.
MARTHA: I love you too. I will always love you. I am just not in love with you.
CHRIS: What the hell does that mean?
MARTHA: I don’t know. It’s in the script. I just read the lines. I do not have to understand them.
CHRIS: Who is this guy?
MARTHA: Who? I’ll tell you who. It is a man who loves me. He loves me for who I am, not who he expects me to be. He loves me for myself. He is concerned about my emotional needs. He treats me with respect, not like some trophy wife.
CHRIS: No, I mean what is his name?
MARTHA: If you must know, he name is John.
BILL: Actually, my name is Bill. Bill Smith
CHRIS: Yeah, right.
MARTHA: Shut up Bill! Keep out of this. This is between my husband and me.
BILL: (getting out of bed) I didn’t realize you were married. Perhaps, I should go. (starts to get dressed)
MARTHA: No, stay. I’ll get rid of him.
BILL: I have to get back to work anyway.
CHRIS: Why him?
MARTHA: (starts to get dressed) He is twice the man you are.
CHRIS: That’s because he must weigh 500 pounds.
BILL: Please! I weigh 450 pounds and not a pound more.
CHRIS: How could you, Martha?
MARTHA: Well, I have to stay on top.
CHRIS: No, I mean how could you do this to me?
Martha gives Chris a quizzical look.
CHRIS: I am talking about our marriage. How could you do this to our marriage?
MARTHA: Oh. Come on! We have been married for two weeks. How long did you expect me to be faithful?
CHRIS: Longer than two weeks.
MARTHA: You should have said something.
BILL: Do the words, forsaking all others mean anything to you?
MARTHA: No. Should they?
CHRIS: They were part of our marriage vows.
MARTHA: Again, if it was in the script, I don’t have to know what it means.
BILL: How much do I owe you?
MARTHA: Two hundred. Same as last week.
BILL: Will I see you again?
MARTHA: Of course. Next week. Same time.
Bill hands Martha two one hundred dollar bills. They kiss.
BILL: See you next week.
Bill exits. Martha holds one of the bills up to the light.
MARTHA: Stop him! These bills are counterfeit!
Chris pulls out his gun and runs after Bill. He sees Bill get into an elevator but the doors close before he can stop it. Chris runs down 45 flights of stairs and exits in the basement. He then runs up one flight of stairs to the first floor. He searches the lobby frantically. He sees Bill outside getting into a car. He runs outside just as Martha pulls up in a corvette.
Typical hotel bedroom. Man and woman in bed making love. The woman is on top. Camera shots from six different angles. Close up on MARTHA ANDREWS’ face.
Cut to front of hotel. CHRIS ANDREWS enters, walks through lobby, takes elevator to 44th floor, walks down hallway, stops at a room, takes out a set of burglary tools and picks the lock. Opens door and walks in.
CHRIS: Martha?
MARTHA: Chris! Don’t you ever knock?
CHRIS: Martha! What is going on?
MARTHA: (jumping out of bed and pulling a sheet around herself) Don’t be stupid. You can see what is going on. Or can’t you remember?
CHRIS: Why, Martha? I love you. I will forgive you.
MARTHA: I love you too. I will always love you. I am just not in love with you.
CHRIS: What the hell does that mean?
MARTHA: I don’t know. It’s in the script. I just read the lines. I do not have to understand them.
CHRIS: Who is this guy?
MARTHA: Who? I’ll tell you who. It is a man who loves me. He loves me for who I am, not who he expects me to be. He loves me for myself. He is concerned about my emotional needs. He treats me with respect, not like some trophy wife.
CHRIS: No, I mean what is his name?
MARTHA: If you must know, he name is John.
BILL: Actually, my name is Bill. Bill Smith
CHRIS: Yeah, right.
MARTHA: Shut up Bill! Keep out of this. This is between my husband and me.
BILL: (getting out of bed) I didn’t realize you were married. Perhaps, I should go. (starts to get dressed)
MARTHA: No, stay. I’ll get rid of him.
BILL: I have to get back to work anyway.
CHRIS: Why him?
MARTHA: (starts to get dressed) He is twice the man you are.
CHRIS: That’s because he must weigh 500 pounds.
BILL: Please! I weigh 450 pounds and not a pound more.
CHRIS: How could you, Martha?
MARTHA: Well, I have to stay on top.
CHRIS: No, I mean how could you do this to me?
Martha gives Chris a quizzical look.
CHRIS: I am talking about our marriage. How could you do this to our marriage?
MARTHA: Oh. Come on! We have been married for two weeks. How long did you expect me to be faithful?
CHRIS: Longer than two weeks.
MARTHA: You should have said something.
BILL: Do the words, forsaking all others mean anything to you?
MARTHA: No. Should they?
CHRIS: They were part of our marriage vows.
MARTHA: Again, if it was in the script, I don’t have to know what it means.
BILL: How much do I owe you?
MARTHA: Two hundred. Same as last week.
BILL: Will I see you again?
MARTHA: Of course. Next week. Same time.
Bill hands Martha two one hundred dollar bills. They kiss.
BILL: See you next week.
Bill exits. Martha holds one of the bills up to the light.
MARTHA: Stop him! These bills are counterfeit!
Chris pulls out his gun and runs after Bill. He sees Bill get into an elevator but the doors close before he can stop it. Chris runs down 45 flights of stairs and exits in the basement. He then runs up one flight of stairs to the first floor. He searches the lobby frantically. He sees Bill outside getting into a car. He runs outside just as Martha pulls up in a corvette.
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