Guidelines for when you are pulled over by police.
1. Be careful how you ditch the pot. Once you see the patrol car in your rearview mirror, it is too late to throw the pot out the window. The police will see you do it and find the pot. If it is a small amount, you might be able to eat it. Plan ahead. Cut a square hole in the floorboard. Make a little trap door so you can drop the pot or whatever onto the roadway.
2. Don’t admit to smoking pot or drinking. Look surprised. Keep your stash in a plastic zip lock bag with someone else’s name on it – preferably your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend or ex-spouse. You might even add the address.
3. Don’t try to tell the officer that you are just returning from Colorado. They have heard it before. Tell the police that you are returning from your chemotherapy session.
4. Don’t offer a donation to police association. Just like number 5 above, it won’t be enough.
5. Don’t offer a bribe. Chances are you won’t offer enough.
6. Comb your hair. You have seen the pictures of celebrities picked up for DUI. Their mug shots look terrible. Keep a comb where you can find it fast and comb your hair before the officer tells you to roll down your window. Have a little pride. Smile when they take your picture.
7. Don’t unbutton your blouse/shirt. The officer will not be tempted. Again, chances are it won’t be enough. That applies to women too.
8. All the rules for using a cellphone apply. If the police suspect you are DUI, they can seize your phone. It would not be a good idea for them to find selfies of you smoking pot. Do not identify your dealer as “My supplier.”
9. Don’t ask the officer if he/she would like to sample your marijuana, come to a pot party or buy some pot.
10. If you smoke pot while driving, leave the windows open. A cloud of smoke rolling out when you roll down you window is not cool.
11. Buy a T-shirt with one diagonal line that runs from your right shoulder to your left hip. It will look like a seat belt. Better yet – wear your seat belt.