“Hello, lost child of God. Thank you for waiting. Do you feel remorse and guilt for your sins? Are you ready to confess and to obtain forgiveness for your sexual misconduct? Then you have called the right place. This hot line is for sexual harassment, sexual misconduct or rape only. All other sins will be handled in the usual fashion at church. Read the entire menu before selecting. After selecting from the menu, at the beep, confess your sin. After you confess, remain on the line for one or two minutes for an automated reply with your penance, absolution and forgiveness. If you don’t hear your penance within two minutes, it means you haven’t been forgiven. Please try again later. Due to the high demand for redemption, please confess only one sin during this call. Call again another day for multiple sins. Your confession may be recorded for quality control purposes or possible legal action. Please select from the following menu:
1. If you are a powerful mogul or actor in the entertainment industry, dial 1.
2. If you are the President, an ex-president, or a politician, dial 2.
3. If you are a famous news anchor, dial 3.
4. If you are a powerful or famous person in another industry, dial 4.
5. If your sin is more than 20 years old, dial 5.
6. If you’re not sure what you did is a sin, dial 6.
7. If you sent sex toys to co-workers, exposed yourself to co-workers, pinched someone’s ass or fondled them, dial 7.
8. If you traded a promotion for sex, dial 8
9. If you’re a pedophile, or committed rape, dial 9.
10. If the Statute of Limitations has expired on your sins, hang up and come back to church.
Please consider a tax-free donation commensurate with your transgression. You may provide your credit card information, or mail a check to the church.”
Churches hope this app will clear up the backlog for confession in one or two years.
For e-books by me, visit http://smashwords.com/profile/view/monteranderson.
Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/monteranderson
Follow my blog at http://monteranderson-author.com or http://monteranderson.wordpress.com