Poetry – You must know at least one poem. This is it.
The Rhinoceros by Ogden Nash
“The rhino is a homely beast,
For human eyes he's not a feast.
Farwell, farewell, you old rhinoceros,
I'll stare at something less prepoceros.”
If you find that poem hard to memorize, try this one, also by Ogden Nash
“Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.”
Art – Art is complicated. Rather than learning a lot about art, remember this – In all art there’s a focal point. You don’t need to know where the focal point is. Just look at a piece of art and say, “I like the way the artist draws the eyes to the focal point.” If anyone asks, “What does it mean?” you just say, “It’s obvious to the casual observer,” and walk away.
Toast A Renaissance Person must have one toast memorized in case the occasion arises where they are asked to make a toast. Memorize this toast to a friend:
“Friends may come and friends may go and friends may peter out, you know. But we’ll be friends through thick of thin, peters out or peters in.”
Blessing Over Food Sometimes you can’t dodge the prayer bullet when you are asked to say a blessing over the food. Here’s all you need to know,
“Rub a-dub dub, thanks for the grub, yea God.”
Now you may have notice that this is a generic prayer that will work for any God, be they Yahweh, Buddha, Allah or any variation between.
One Prayer Depending on your social circle, you may be asked to say a prayer. Here is all you need to know. “Bless this mess.”
You may insert whatever God you pray to.
One Quote You must be able to quote a famous person. Here’s a good quote from Sun Tzu, the old Chinese general, military strategist and author of The Art of War.
“You cannot make a snake straight by pushing it through a pipe.”
This is a great quote because no one knows what it means. It’s a great conversation stopper that will leave people speechless. It can be applied to many subjects: politics, crime, or education.
Politics Occasionally, the subject of politics comes up. Memorize this quote from Mark Twain.
“…, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”
Notice that there’s no mention of a political party, therefore it can be applied regardless of your own political leanings. I like quoting Mark Twain because he’s dead and can’t correct you if you misquote him.
Education Again, depending on your social circles, the subject of education may come up. Here’s another handy quote from Mark Twain.
“In the first place, God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards.” — Following the Equator
You might want to make sure you aren’t talking to a school board member before quoting this.
Music Use this quote by Bob Marley, “One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain.”
Science Use this quote by Albert Einstein, ““As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.”
Food. A Renaissance Person is an expert of food. That doesn’t mean a Renaissance Person can cook, although you may. It means you must appear to be a gourmet. To fake being a gourmet, you must follow these rules:
1. Don’t refer to food as food. Call it nourishment or a feast but not food.
2. Don’t use pepper or salt.
3. Don’t drink with your little pinkie sticking up. That’s just stupid.
4. Always have wine with your meal. Wine with breakfast is optional. Beer is an after-dinner drink. You don’t need to know much about wine. Just order an expensive one. Take a sip, swish it around your mouth (don’t gargle) swallow, suck in air, and say “Ah”.
5. When eating out, always ask a lot of questions about one of the entrees. It doesn’t matter whatever the waiter answers. Then order something different. Never order the special, the catch of the day or whatever the waiter recommends. It shows weakness.
6. Never eat fast food except in a closet.
7. Subscribe to Gourmet magazine and leave it conspicuously around your house.
8. Use your silverware. That’s those shinny tools next to your plate. Oh, and use a plate.
9. Place your napkin on your lap not in your collar.
See? That wasn’t hard.
Sports The subject of sports always comes up at some point. This quote by Vince Lombardi applies to any sport,
“Winners never quit and quitters never win.”
Here’s another one from Vince, “Show me a good loser, and I'll show you a loser.”
Escorts Renaissance Persons are always seen in the company of beautiful escorts. If you have a hot significant other, hang on to him/her. If not, use a family member that’s hot, if they’re willing to play the part. Good luck with that. As a last resort, use an escort service.
Women Okay, I’ve got nothing. You’re on your own here.
Any Other Subject It’s hard to know everything. But it isn’t hard to fake knowing everything. If a subject comes up about which you know nothing, remember this; it’s better to keep silent and let people suspect that you’re an idiot than to say something to remove all doubt. Try this; keep silent as long as possible, stroke your chin or beard if you have one – men too. Then say, “It’s obvious to the casual observer,” and walk away.
Walk Away The walk away is crucial to being a Renaissance Person. It must not seem hurried or come off as a retreat. If you can’t pull it off, try this; act like your cellphone went off and quickly pull it out. People will think it was on vibrate. Look at the screen and say something like, “It’s my publisher. I have to take this.” Then walk outside and act like you’re talking on the cellphone. If “publisher” doesn’t seem right, try “financial adviser,” or “President Trump.”
If you can follow these simple tips, you can appear to be a Renaissance Person. Yes, you must memorize a few things. Would you rather use these tips or actually study all these subjects? It’s up to you. Go for it. Good luck.
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