Detective shows? I wrote this spoof about detective shows on TV. It's a little long so hang in there. You'll like it. I formatted it to fit your screen. Enjoy!
Typical hotel bedroom. Man and woman in bed making love. The woman is on top. Camera shots from six different angles. Close up on MARTHA ANDREWS’ face.
Cut to front of hotel. CHRIS ANDREWS enters, walks through lobby, takes elevator to 44th floor, walks down hallway, stops at a room, takes out a set of burglary tools and picks the lock. Opens door and walks in.
CHRIS: Martha?
MARTHA: Chris! Don’t you ever knock?
CHRIS: Martha! What is going on?
MARTHA: (jumping out of bed and pulling a sheet around herself) Don’t be stupid. You can see what is going on. Or can’t you remember?
CHRIS: Why, Martha? I love you. I will forgive you.
MARTHA: I love you too. I will always love you. I am just not in love with you.
CHRIS: What the hell does that mean?
MARTHA: I don’t know. It’s in the script. I just read the lines. I do not have to understand them.
CHRIS: Who is this guy?
MARTHA: Who? I’ll tell you who. It is a man who loves me. He loves me for who I am, not who he expects me to be. He loves me for myself. He is concerned about my emotional needs. He treats me with respect, not like some trophy wife.
CHRIS: No, I mean what is his name?
MARTHA: If you must know, he name is John.
BILL: Actually, my name is Bill. Bill Smith
CHRIS: Yeah, right.
MARTHA: Shut up Bill! Keep out of this. This is between my husband and me.
BILL: (getting out of bed) I didn’t realize you were married. Perhaps, I should go. (starts to get dressed)
MARTHA: No, stay. I’ll get rid of him.
BILL: I have to get back to work anyway.
CHRIS: Why him?
MARTHA: (starts to get dressed) He is twice the man you are.
CHRIS: That’s because he must weigh 500 pounds.
BILL: Please! I weigh 450 pounds and not a pound more.
CHRIS: How could you, Martha?
MARTHA: Well, I have to stay on top.
CHRIS: No, I mean how could you do this to me?
Martha gives Chris a quizzical look.
CHRIS: I am talking about our marriage. How could you do this to our marriage?
MARTHA: Oh. Come on! We have been married for two weeks. How long did you expect me to be faithful?
CHRIS: Longer than two weeks.
MARTHA: You should have said something.
BILL: Do the words, forsaking all others mean anything to you?
MARTHA: No. Should they?
CHRIS: They were part of our marriage vows.
MARTHA: Again, if it was in the script, I don’t have to know what it means.
BILL: How much do I owe you?
MARTHA: Two hundred. Same as last week.
BILL: Will I see you again?
MARTHA: Of course. Next week. Same time.
Bill hands Martha two one hundred dollar bills. They kiss.
BILL: See you next week.
Bill exits. Martha holds one of the bills up to the light.
MARTHA: Stop him! These bills are counterfeit!
Chris pulls out his gun and runs after Bill. He sees Bill get into an elevator but the doors close before he can stop it. Chris runs down 45 flights of stairs and exits in the basement. He then runs up one flight of stairs to the first floor. He searches the lobby frantically. He sees Bill outside getting into a car. He runs outside just as Martha pulls up in a corvette.
MARTHA: Get in!
Chris gets into the car and Martha speeds off after Bill.
CHRIS: How did you get here so fast?
MARTHA: Special effects.
CHRIS: That’s a different outfit. What’s with the mini-skirt? You usually wear pantsuits.
MARTHA: The director wants to show off my legs.
CHRIS: Well, you look fantastic. How come your hair is perfect and now you have makeup on? Where did you find the time?
MARTHA: Look! Can we hold off on the interrogation until we catch this guy? You know damn well that we shot the hotel scene yesterday. Today is the car chase scene. Besides, my contract says I have to look good. The studio has to give me six close up headshots every episode.
CHRIS: Don’t lose him.
MARTHA: You always say that. I never lose them. Now go ahead and say the other word.
CHRIS: What other word?
MARTHA: You know damn well. Every car chase scene you say it.
CHRIS: Faster?
SERIES OF SHOT—TYPICAL CAR CHASE SCENES
Cars skid around corners and run other cars off the road. More police cars join the chase. Finally, Bill’s car crashes—flipping over a dozen times and exploding in flames. Bill emerges unhurt with his hands up. The police are so ticked they shoot him anyway.
CHRIS: (removes Bill’s wallet) Let’s see who this guy really is. (opens wallet) His driver’s license says his name is Bill Smith.
MARTHA: What the...? Wait a minute. (takes out the hundred dollar bills and holds them up to the light) I guess the joke on me. These bills aren’t phony after all. My bad.
Chris takes out his service pistol and points it at Martha.
MARTHA: What are you doing? What’s going on?
CHRIS: Come on Martha. You have been around long enough to know that when the studio does not renew your contract, the writers write you out of the series. You contract expires next week.
MARTHA: Don’t do it, Chris. If we stick together, we can both get better contracts.
CHRIS: Too late. I already signed my new contract. I get a bedroom scene and eight close up headshots in every episode. Goodbye, Martha. It’s been great working with you.
MARTHA: Wait! The studio will never find a replacement for my character by next episode.
CHRIS: They have already. You remember that young woman that we hired as an intern two episodes ago?
MARTHA: You mean that 20 something with the silicone breasts?
CHRIS: Uh, yeah, that one. In the next episode she is promoted to detective first class and takes your place.
MARTHA: No! If you shoot me, I will never work with you again. Do you know what that means?
CHRIS: Sorry, Darling, but it’s in the script. I don’t have to know what it means.
Chris shoots Martha three times. He walks over to her body and shoots her in the head for good measure.
The End
Typical hotel bedroom. Man and woman in bed making love. The woman is on top. Camera shots from six different angles. Close up on MARTHA ANDREWS’ face.
Cut to front of hotel. CHRIS ANDREWS enters, walks through lobby, takes elevator to 44th floor, walks down hallway, stops at a room, takes out a set of burglary tools and picks the lock. Opens door and walks in.
CHRIS: Martha?
MARTHA: Chris! Don’t you ever knock?
CHRIS: Martha! What is going on?
MARTHA: (jumping out of bed and pulling a sheet around herself) Don’t be stupid. You can see what is going on. Or can’t you remember?
CHRIS: Why, Martha? I love you. I will forgive you.
MARTHA: I love you too. I will always love you. I am just not in love with you.
CHRIS: What the hell does that mean?
MARTHA: I don’t know. It’s in the script. I just read the lines. I do not have to understand them.
CHRIS: Who is this guy?
MARTHA: Who? I’ll tell you who. It is a man who loves me. He loves me for who I am, not who he expects me to be. He loves me for myself. He is concerned about my emotional needs. He treats me with respect, not like some trophy wife.
CHRIS: No, I mean what is his name?
MARTHA: If you must know, he name is John.
BILL: Actually, my name is Bill. Bill Smith
CHRIS: Yeah, right.
MARTHA: Shut up Bill! Keep out of this. This is between my husband and me.
BILL: (getting out of bed) I didn’t realize you were married. Perhaps, I should go. (starts to get dressed)
MARTHA: No, stay. I’ll get rid of him.
BILL: I have to get back to work anyway.
CHRIS: Why him?
MARTHA: (starts to get dressed) He is twice the man you are.
CHRIS: That’s because he must weigh 500 pounds.
BILL: Please! I weigh 450 pounds and not a pound more.
CHRIS: How could you, Martha?
MARTHA: Well, I have to stay on top.
CHRIS: No, I mean how could you do this to me?
Martha gives Chris a quizzical look.
CHRIS: I am talking about our marriage. How could you do this to our marriage?
MARTHA: Oh. Come on! We have been married for two weeks. How long did you expect me to be faithful?
CHRIS: Longer than two weeks.
MARTHA: You should have said something.
BILL: Do the words, forsaking all others mean anything to you?
MARTHA: No. Should they?
CHRIS: They were part of our marriage vows.
MARTHA: Again, if it was in the script, I don’t have to know what it means.
BILL: How much do I owe you?
MARTHA: Two hundred. Same as last week.
BILL: Will I see you again?
MARTHA: Of course. Next week. Same time.
Bill hands Martha two one hundred dollar bills. They kiss.
BILL: See you next week.
Bill exits. Martha holds one of the bills up to the light.
MARTHA: Stop him! These bills are counterfeit!
Chris pulls out his gun and runs after Bill. He sees Bill get into an elevator but the doors close before he can stop it. Chris runs down 45 flights of stairs and exits in the basement. He then runs up one flight of stairs to the first floor. He searches the lobby frantically. He sees Bill outside getting into a car. He runs outside just as Martha pulls up in a corvette.
MARTHA: Get in!
Chris gets into the car and Martha speeds off after Bill.
CHRIS: How did you get here so fast?
MARTHA: Special effects.
CHRIS: That’s a different outfit. What’s with the mini-skirt? You usually wear pantsuits.
MARTHA: The director wants to show off my legs.
CHRIS: Well, you look fantastic. How come your hair is perfect and now you have makeup on? Where did you find the time?
MARTHA: Look! Can we hold off on the interrogation until we catch this guy? You know damn well that we shot the hotel scene yesterday. Today is the car chase scene. Besides, my contract says I have to look good. The studio has to give me six close up headshots every episode.
CHRIS: Don’t lose him.
MARTHA: You always say that. I never lose them. Now go ahead and say the other word.
CHRIS: What other word?
MARTHA: You know damn well. Every car chase scene you say it.
CHRIS: Faster?
SERIES OF SHOT—TYPICAL CAR CHASE SCENES
Cars skid around corners and run other cars off the road. More police cars join the chase. Finally, Bill’s car crashes—flipping over a dozen times and exploding in flames. Bill emerges unhurt with his hands up. The police are so ticked they shoot him anyway.
CHRIS: (removes Bill’s wallet) Let’s see who this guy really is. (opens wallet) His driver’s license says his name is Bill Smith.
MARTHA: What the...? Wait a minute. (takes out the hundred dollar bills and holds them up to the light) I guess the joke on me. These bills aren’t phony after all. My bad.
Chris takes out his service pistol and points it at Martha.
MARTHA: What are you doing? What’s going on?
CHRIS: Come on Martha. You have been around long enough to know that when the studio does not renew your contract, the writers write you out of the series. You contract expires next week.
MARTHA: Don’t do it, Chris. If we stick together, we can both get better contracts.
CHRIS: Too late. I already signed my new contract. I get a bedroom scene and eight close up headshots in every episode. Goodbye, Martha. It’s been great working with you.
MARTHA: Wait! The studio will never find a replacement for my character by next episode.
CHRIS: They have already. You remember that young woman that we hired as an intern two episodes ago?
MARTHA: You mean that 20 something with the silicone breasts?
CHRIS: Uh, yeah, that one. In the next episode she is promoted to detective first class and takes your place.
MARTHA: No! If you shoot me, I will never work with you again. Do you know what that means?
CHRIS: Sorry, Darling, but it’s in the script. I don’t have to know what it means.
Chris shoots Martha three times. He walks over to her body and shoots her in the head for good measure.
The End
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