How to Write a Screenplay for a Detective Show

After 60+ years of watching detective shows on TV, I have finally figured out the formula. I thought I would share that today.

The 12 Steps to Writing a Screenplay for a TV Detective
Show. This formula will work for Castel, The Mentalist,
Elementary, CSI, The Closer, and most other detective shows. 
 
1. Opening scene: Episode opens with the female lead and male lead in bed (select one): 
a. her apartment
b. his apartment
c. in a hotel

2. A cell phone rings (mandatory). One of the two must answer while the other says, “Don’t answer that!” To which the other must say, “We have to. We’re on call.” Whoever answers the phone must listen and then say, “We’ll be right there.” (Must act as if not going is an option. Must show disappointment.) Optional additional statement-female lead says, “I will make it up to you.”
followed with a coy smile. Male detective must smile back with a knowing look.

3. Both arrive at murder scene. (He/she) finds a piece of evidence overlooked by 12 other CSI people and 5 other detectives. (He/she) says, “Canvas the neighborhood and see if anyone saw anything. Also, check all the security tapes within a 100-mile radius and see what comes up. Check the ATMs while you’re at it and get me a cup of coffee.” (Everyone must slap their forehead
because they had never thought of that.) 
 
4. (Select all that apply below):_________________ leads to (pick a number) ____suspects. . They haul them in to interview them individually.
 a. The evidence
 b. The witnesses
 c. The video tapes
 d. The confidential informant
 e. Intuition
 f. Gut feeling
 g. Good luck

5. One witness must look the most innocent (mandatory) because (he/she) is a (select all that apply):
a. nun/priest
b. virgin
c. democrat
d. has an iron clad alibi
e. passed a polygraph test
f. passed the drug test
g. is cute

6. Another suspect must look very guilty because (she/he) (select all that apply):
a. is a Republican
b. failed the polygraph test
c. has no alibi
d. voted for Nixon
e. looks guilty (shifty eyes, sweaty, bad hair, etc.) 
f. driver’s license expired

7. The detectives must show this suspect ALL the evidence they have collected (mandatory) and tell the suspect ALL their theories on how the crime was committed. The suspect must still deny everything.  

8. The detectives discover that for the guilty looking suspect, (select all that apply):
a. the alibi checked out
b. the polygraph malfunctioned
c. the suspect is a closet democrat
d. the suspect had a prescription for the drugs
e. the suspect lied about voting for Nixon
f. the suspect looks cute after cleaning up
g. the (DNA/prints) do not match those from the crime scene

9. One of the detectives uncovers (mandatory) some obscure piece of evidence that implicates the innocent looking suspect. They discover that the innocent suspect is (select all that apply):
a. not a nun/ priest
b. a not virgin (don’t ask how)
c. really a democrat 

10.  And that (his/her) (select all that apply):
a. alibi does not check out
b. DNA/prints match those from the murder scene
c. library card expired.

11. The detectives go to arrest the suspect and have a (select one):
a. car chase (The passenger must say, "Faster!" and "Don't lose him/her.")
b. foot chase
c. chase across rooftops (At some point one of the detectives must nearly fall.)

12. They arrest the suspect and interrogate him/her. They ask if he/she wants a lawyer. The suspect cracks under such a hard question and confesses (mandatory) to everything plus (select all that
apply):
a. cheating on taxes
b. cheating on wife
c. cheating in college
d. cheating at cards.
e. poor acting

 The End

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