In my last post, I wrote about an old Chinese curse, “May you live in interesting times.” It occurred to me that we need more curses. Johnny Carson on the Tonight Show was the master of the curse. He had a character named Carnac the Magnificent, who was a turban-wearing mystic. The curses were basically middle eastern curses and would not be considered politically correct today. Here are a few of his curses:
May a crazed weightlifter clean and jerk your sister.
May a camel with a weak kidney condition find your hope chest.
May the winds of the Sahara blow a desert scorpion up your turban.
May you fall asleep under a camel with postnasal drip.
May a weird doctor join you at the hump of a camel.
May a carsick mongoose change the color of your seats.
May a camel chip float in your martini.
May a diseased yak squat in your hot tub.
There was also a song written by written by Neal Merritt and sung by Little Jimmy Dickens. It contained the following curses:
"May the bird of paradise fly up your nose"
"May an elephant caress you with his toes"
"May your wife be plagued with runners in her hose"
Obviously, we need updated curses. Putting a curse on someone is not illegal and doesn’t require physically assaulting them. I’ve thought of a few:
You may have a few of your own.
May a crazed weightlifter clean and jerk your sister.
May a camel with a weak kidney condition find your hope chest.
May the winds of the Sahara blow a desert scorpion up your turban.
May you fall asleep under a camel with postnasal drip.
May a weird doctor join you at the hump of a camel.
May a carsick mongoose change the color of your seats.
May a camel chip float in your martini.
May a diseased yak squat in your hot tub.
There was also a song written by written by Neal Merritt and sung by Little Jimmy Dickens. It contained the following curses:
"May the bird of paradise fly up your nose"
"May an elephant caress you with his toes"
"May your wife be plagued with runners in her hose"
Obviously, we need updated curses. Putting a curse on someone is not illegal and doesn’t require physically assaulting them. I’ve thought of a few:
- May a thousand robocalls target your iPhone every day.
- May your home security system catch a virus from your computer.
- May your TV show only reruns of Gilligan's Island.
- May your significant other run away with your best friend AND your dog.
- May your Roomba vacuum try to vacuum your dog’s diarrhea.
- May your computer screen permanently freeze on a picture of your ex.
- May your Echo Dot – Alexa refuse to speak with you.
- May your GPS lead you on a long route off a short pier.
- May you be abducted by an alien proctologist.
- May all the sexting you do end up on your mother’s Facebook page.
- May all your selfies have dog faces.
You may have a few of your own.
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