Archeologists recently recovered a text message between Moses and Yahweh. Here’s the text:
MOSES: God, this is Moses.
YAHWEH: I know who this is, Moses. Ur the only person w/ my private no. Sup?
MOSES: I met w/ the elders of the 12 tribes & we went over the commandments you proposed.
YAHWEH: Oh? How’d it go?
MOSES: Well, 2 b honest they felt that 120 commandments were a bit 2 much.
YAHWEH: What do you mean – 2 much? Like what?
MOSES: They felt that some of these shouldn’t be sins. For example, no. 102 – “Don’t go swimming for 30 min. after eating.” And no. 109 – “Say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’.” They really hated no. 99 – “Put the toilet seat back down.” They felt that many of these should be recommendations instead of commandments.
YAHWEH: How many commandments did they suggest?
MOSES: 5 or 6 – 8 max.
YAHWEH: & what do they suggest?
MOSES: Well, the first 3 seem self-serving. Do we need them?
YAHWEH: Not negotiable. They stay.
MOSES: Okay, then. What about no. 4 – “Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy?” We can’t even agree on what day is the Sabbath. Is it Fri. or Sat. or Sun.?
YAHWEH: Not negotiable. It stays.
MOSES: Fine. So that’s 4. The elders thought that we could summarize the rest.
YAHWEH: How, pray tell?
MOSES: How about, “Treat others as you would want to be treated?”
YAHWEH: I like it. However, it seems too vague. No deal.
MOSES: What about no. 5 – “Honor thy father and thy mother?” U must admit, some mothers & fathers aren’t very nice. I mean, we already have Mother's Day and Father’s Day set aside 2 honor them.
YAHWEH: U make a good pt. Let me think about it.
MOSES: Good. No. 6 – “Thou shalt not kill.” We agree on that one. But no. 7, the one about adultery, do we need that? Some of the elders want 2 know if they can b grandfathered in.
YAHWEH: No! It stays too.
MOSES: I think we can combine number 8 & 9. We could say, “Thou shalt not lie, cheat, or steal.”
YAHWEH: Another good pt. I’ll think about it.
MOSES: Okay, last item, no. 10 – “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor anything that is thy neighbor’s.” Doesn’t stealing cover this? We already have the one on adultery. At least, can we remove the part about not coveting thy neighbor’s ass? I mean, there are some might fine looking asses out there.
YAHWEH: Again, I’ll consider it. What about the rest?”
MOSES: I can cover them somewhere. We’ll call them recommendations.
YAHWEH: Let me think this over and get back to you. Bye.
THE END
MOSES: God, this is Moses.
YAHWEH: I know who this is, Moses. Ur the only person w/ my private no. Sup?
MOSES: I met w/ the elders of the 12 tribes & we went over the commandments you proposed.
YAHWEH: Oh? How’d it go?
MOSES: Well, 2 b honest they felt that 120 commandments were a bit 2 much.
YAHWEH: What do you mean – 2 much? Like what?
MOSES: They felt that some of these shouldn’t be sins. For example, no. 102 – “Don’t go swimming for 30 min. after eating.” And no. 109 – “Say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’.” They really hated no. 99 – “Put the toilet seat back down.” They felt that many of these should be recommendations instead of commandments.
YAHWEH: How many commandments did they suggest?
MOSES: 5 or 6 – 8 max.
YAHWEH: & what do they suggest?
MOSES: Well, the first 3 seem self-serving. Do we need them?
YAHWEH: Not negotiable. They stay.
MOSES: Okay, then. What about no. 4 – “Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy?” We can’t even agree on what day is the Sabbath. Is it Fri. or Sat. or Sun.?
YAHWEH: Not negotiable. It stays.
MOSES: Fine. So that’s 4. The elders thought that we could summarize the rest.
YAHWEH: How, pray tell?
MOSES: How about, “Treat others as you would want to be treated?”
YAHWEH: I like it. However, it seems too vague. No deal.
MOSES: What about no. 5 – “Honor thy father and thy mother?” U must admit, some mothers & fathers aren’t very nice. I mean, we already have Mother's Day and Father’s Day set aside 2 honor them.
YAHWEH: U make a good pt. Let me think about it.
MOSES: Good. No. 6 – “Thou shalt not kill.” We agree on that one. But no. 7, the one about adultery, do we need that? Some of the elders want 2 know if they can b grandfathered in.
YAHWEH: No! It stays too.
MOSES: I think we can combine number 8 & 9. We could say, “Thou shalt not lie, cheat, or steal.”
YAHWEH: Another good pt. I’ll think about it.
MOSES: Okay, last item, no. 10 – “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor anything that is thy neighbor’s.” Doesn’t stealing cover this? We already have the one on adultery. At least, can we remove the part about not coveting thy neighbor’s ass? I mean, there are some might fine looking asses out there.
YAHWEH: Again, I’ll consider it. What about the rest?”
MOSES: I can cover them somewhere. We’ll call them recommendations.
YAHWEH: Let me think this over and get back to you. Bye.
THE END
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