1. I resolve not to have any more birthdays when I turn 75. Age 75 is the medium. Per the CDC, 5% of the population will die before they reach 40 and 50% will die before they reach 75. Of those over 75, 100% will die. Therefore, it makes good sense to stop getting older, probably at 39 but since I missed that one, I’ll go for 75.
2. I resolve to lose weight. I’m going to try that Chinese diet. You can eat all you want, but you get only one chop stick. My back up diet is the one where when you put something in your mouth, if it tastes good, you spit it out.
3. I resolve to start exercising. My doctor said that running my mouth, jumping to conclusions, racing to the bathroom, flapping my gums, rolling my eyes and yelling at the TV aren’t exercise.
4. I resolve to be more tolerate of others. We should respect the opinions of others so matter how stupid they are.
5. I resolve to eat more sensibly. I have trouble reading the label, and I know that I should eat more vegetables. Vegetables are green (most of them) and good for you. Therefore, if food comes in a green can or package, it must be healthy.
6. I resolve to get more sleep. This will be easy. I’ll either had an extra hour to my two naps or add a third nap.
7. I resolve to cook more and eat in rather than eating out or ordering take out. Here’s another easy one. If I can fit it into a microwave, I can cook it.
8. I resolve to clean the house and keep it that way. One Mondays, I’ll dust and vacuum. On Tuesdays, I’ll clean the bathrooms. On Wednesdays, I’ll clean the kitchen and dining room. On… to hell with this.
9. I resolve to write my Great American Novel. This should be easy. If I write one page per day, I’ll end the year with over 300 pages, enough for a novel. The trick is not to be distracted… oh, look, there’s some cute pictures of kittens on Facebook.
10. I resolve to drink less coffee. I figure if I freeze the coffee, I can chew it.
11. I resolve to drink less alcohol. I’ll stop drinking as soon as I discover a better way to get it down.
12. I resolve to start mediating. I’ve tried mediation before. After five minutes, I usually fall asleep. Maybe this time it’ll stick.
13. I resolve to watch less TV. Of course, I do have a few exceptions: crime/detective shows, comedies, news, movies, documentaries, realities show, anything on the history channel, medical shows and any show after 6 PM.
What New Year resolutions do you have? Let’s hear them. Good luck keeping them.