1. I am a firm believer that we should provide all elected leaders with concubines (professional mistresses). If the public would acknowledge that people in power attract people of the oppose sex and may succumb to temptation, then this solution makes sense. This would eliminate the rumors, sneaking around, the embarrassment, the excessive costs, the spending of tax payers’ money and campaign contributions, Non-Disclosure Agreements (NDA), hush money and the resignations of otherwise perfectly good politicians. These concubines would be on the payroll and paid according to the level of office. If an official does not want a concubine, he or she must take a vow of celibacy.
2. Politicians should not speak directly to reporters, voters or the public. They should wear a mask similar to Darth Vader of #StarWars. A picture of their face on the mask is optional. Their speech would have a built-in five second delay. When they talk, a panel of censers would have five seconds to intervene. Each censer would have a button like #America’sGotTalent. One censer would focus on sexist remarks and women’s issues. Another would focus on racist remarks and civil rights. The third censor would concentrate on homophobic remarks and gay rights. The forth censor would focus on stupid remarks. The last censer would be a fact checker. Checking facts takes more than five seconds, so the censer must approve all facts before the politician speaks. If the politician attempts to quote a fact not approved earlier, this censor would intervene. If any of the censors hits their button, the intended remarks are replaced with the words, “No comment.” If three censors hit their buttons, the remarks are replaced with, “I’ll get back to you on that issue.” If all five censers hit their buttons, the remarks are replaced with, “Sun Tzu says, ‘You can’t make a snake straight by pushing it through a pipe.’” Since no one knows what the hell that means, the speech will end without further questions.
3. Prior to the #Primary election, all candidates should pose nude. This will prevent future problem with selfies, etc. Voters can say, “Okay, now that we have seen you, keep it in your pants.”
4. Bribes should not be secret. A new law would state that bribes are okay but must be public. Bribes would not go to the individual but must go to his or her campaign or, if in office, to the national budget. The bribe must cover all the costs associated with the action desired at no increase in budget, taxes or cost to the people. For example, if someone wants a bridge to nowhere, the bribe must cover all the associated costs of installing and operating the bridge.
5. Prior to the Primary election, candidates must submit to a drug test by an independent lab. The oath of office should include a vow of sobriety. Once in office, officials would be subject to random drug tests twice per month. Come on! We do this in other professions. Let’s get serious.
6. Elected officials must attend rehab prior to taking the oath of office. This will prevent their absence while in office. While we are at it, this should also take sensitivity training.
AUTHOR’S NOTE: To the humorously challenged, this is a satire -- maybe.