Here’s more of my soon to be published exposé that’ll blow the lid off the code of silence (bro code) of the brotherhood of men. I can no longer abide with the cover up and fraud that men have perpetuated upon women. At the risk of losing my subscription to Esquire Magazine, I’ll debunk the myths and misconceptions of the mystique of manhood. I’m sure I’ll receive hate mail and threats from my fellow males for violating the bro code. Sorry guys, but the time has come. Our women have spoken. Here’s a preview:

Myth Number 11: All men like sports because they are competitive.

The Truth: Not true. The only sports men like are baseball, football, golf, boxing, mixed martial arts, and women’s beach volleyball. Men aren’t competitive as long as we’re winning.

Myth Number 12: Men cannot have women friends.

The Truth; Not true—some of my best friends are women, like… I can’t remember their names at the moment, but we are close.

Myth Number 13: Men don’t listen to women.

The Truth: I’m sorry, could you repeat that?

Myth Number 14: Men don’t like to hold a woman’s purse.

The Truth: Okay, this might be true. We’ll hold a purse if it has a long strap.

Myth Number 15: Men don’t have close friends the way women do.

The Truth: This is another popular myth perpetuated by men. All men have a secret Facebook page. On that page, they have many friends including ex-girlfriends/wives, your sisters, and that good-looking divorcee next door. They also have secret Twitter, Linkedin and Pinterest accounts.

Myth Number 16: Men like dogs better than cats.

The Truth: It’s not that men like dogs better than cats – they don’t. It’s just that men get excited and confused when women ask men if they would like a little “pussy.” The conversation never ends well. It is easier to talk about dogs, although they can be bitches too.

Myth Number 17: Men don’t listen when women are talking.

The Truth: I’m sorry. What were you saying?

Myth Number 18: Men aren’t sincere when they say they are sorry, and it won’t happen again.

The Truth: Okay, there’s a nugget of truth in this myth. Let’s face it - men are stubborn. The truth is that by the time men finally get around to saying they’re sorry, they’ve forgotten what they’re sorry about, so they just say the words.

Myth Number 19: Men will cheat if given the opportunity.

The Truth: Okay, this is basically true. However, women must share part of the blame. If there were no women to cheat with, men would not cheat.

Myth Number 20: Men don’t cry.

The Truth: Absolutely false. Men do cry; for example, when our favorite sports team loses, or our Alma Mater loses, or the best player on one of our teams gets traded. Men just don’t cry in public or in front of women.
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I hope this helps you women who are trying to understand men. My expose may be published soon.

The Mystique of Manhood
The Women’s March in Washington, D.C (2017) and the #metoo movement have motivated me to write an exposé that’ll blow the lid off the code of silence (bro code) of the brotherhood of men. I can no longer abide with the cover up and fraud that men have perpetuated upon women. At the risk of losing my subscription to Esquire Magazine, I’ll debunk the myths and misconceptions of the mystique of manhood. It’ll be a tell all, name names (like Thomas, Richard and Harry) and scandalous mea culpa. In all fairness, I want to give my followers and fans, especially the male ones, fair warning and a preview of what to except when my exposé explodes upon the public. I’m sure I’ll receive hate mail and threats from my fellow males for violating the bro code. Sorry guys, but the time has come. Our women have spoken. Here’s a preview:

Myth Number 1: Men leave the toilet seat up as a way of marking their territory.
The Truth: Men can’t remember to put the seat down. At a very early age, men learn not to pee on the toilet lid and/or seat, so they remember to raise them. However, whenever men manage to get 80% of their urine into the toilet, they are so proud of themselves that they forget to put the seat down. Sorry.

Myth Number 2: Men will never admit when they are wrong.
The Truth: Okay, I got nothing. This one is true. Wait! Did I just admit that I was wrong? Maybe there is something here. I’ll get back to you on this. However, men don’t like to be embarrassed in front of women.

Myth Number 3: Men have an unerring sense of direction and won’t admit when they’re lost.
The Truth: Men are no better at directions than women are. There, I said it! Why don’t men admit when they are lost and ask for directions? See Myth Number 2. When driving alone, men will seek out another brother and ask for directions. When driving with a female, some men will drive around for hours hoping their female passenger will recognize a landmark. Women navigate by landmarks.

Myth Number 4: Men like to barbeque.
The Truth: This one is easy to debunk. Men like meat and will eat almost any meat whether it’s cooked or not (except sushi). The truth is that since men came out of caves walking upright, fire has fascinated them. Sometimes men will go out and start the grill just to watch it burn without anything cooking.

Myth Number 5: Men are poor dressers.
The Truth: Not True! Men know how to dress. However, men do like to be the center of attention. The best way to do that is to wear something inappropriate. Men have been known to wear black socks with sandals just to get attention from significant others (and daughters).

Myth Number 5: Men don’t like Opera.
The Truth: Not true. Men admire opera. We thought her show was good, and her O Magazine has articles that even men can enjoy. Oh, wait. Did I say Opera? I meant to say Oprah. My mistake. Sorry. Never mind.

Myth Number 6: Men have trouble expressing their feelings.
The Truth: Bull crap! Men have no problem expressing their feelings... to other men. Whenever men gather in small groups for poker or golf, the conversation always turns to feelings. Men perpetuate the idea that they talk about women in these gathering, but it’s simply not the case. Men think that expressing feelings with women is a sign of weakness, so they don’t do it. In addition, it usually starts a long conversation, and men do hate long conversations.

Myth Number 7: Men are good at killing bugs and spiders.
The Truth: Another myth. Men are afraid of bugs and spiders too. People believe that since men are supposed to be hunters that they enjoy killing bugs. Men got over that a long time ago. They hate to be the one to kill them. To look heroic in front of women, men will stock and ritually kill pieces of lint and dust bunnies. I know some men that save those fake plastic spiders from Halloween and scatter them around the house. This goes back to men wanting to be the center of attention – Myth 4.

Myth Number 8: Men are better than women are at math and science.
The Truth: Not true. Only women have the ability to multiply. Case closed.

Myth Number 9. When a sexy woman walks by, the first thing men look at is her butt.
The Truth: Simply not true. I think I can speak for all men when I say this. When a sexy woman walks by, the first thing I look at is the back of her head. Then I ask myself, “I wonder if she has a brain to go along with that really nice ass?”

Myth Number 10. Men are afraid of commitment.
The Truth: Also not true. Men aren’t afraid of commitment – they are afraid of women. All women scare the hell out of us.
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I hope this helps you women who are trying to understand men. My expose may be published soon.

I have an e-book that I give away for free. I haven’t mentioned it lately, so I thought I would now. The title is Angels and Gargoyles.

Here’s a synopsis:
Angels and Gargoyles is a story about a romance among heavenly hosts--a beauty and the beast type love story. It tells how two of God's workers, for unexplainable reasons, fall in love, much to the chagrin of St. Peter. Garth, a gargoyle, is fighting demons that are stealing baby’s soul and an angel named Three is assigning guardian angels to protect the babies. The angels and gargoyles are hopelessly outnumbered by the demons. St. Peter orders Garth to work with Three to computerize the all angels in heaven. They are the two most unlikely pair for romance to begin with; angels are more beautiful while gargoyles are worldlier. The two desire to become husband and wife, an unheard event in heaven. St. Peter objects to the union and forbids the marriage. How can a forbidden love survive in the face of so much evil? How can they convince the ranking saint in heaven to approve their relationship let alone their marriage?
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For other e-books by me, visit http://smashwords.com/profile/view/monteranderson or Amazon.com. Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/monteranderson
Follow my blog at http://monteranderson-author.com or http://monteranderson.wordpress.com
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I turn 76 this year and I struggle trying to remember some things. As we age, we may start to forget things. It doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong (other than old age); it just means are brains are full of memories. It’s okay to forget some things. No one can remember everything. Here’s a list of things people forget and how to hand them:

Your significant other’s name: It’s okay to forget your significant other’s name. Wait until they go to sleep, and then check their driver’s license or other documents. If you still can’t remember, you can call them “honey” or “sweetheart” for several years. However, forgetting their name but remembering an ex’s name is a no-no. When you get a chance, steal a peek at their drivers’ license.

Kids’ names: Also, no big deal. Just use terms like “big guy” or “princess” until you remember. When you get a chance, look at your will. Their names are probably in there. No will? Then just forget their names.

Passwords: This depends. If it’s a password for a web site, usually there’s a way to have them send you an email with a link to reset your password. Some sites will ask you security questions. If you can’t remember the answers, there may be a telephone number you can call. If you forget your computer password, you can always buy a new computer.

Zip up: It’s okay to forget to zip up. Someone will remind you. Forgetting to unzip is more serious and may be an indication you’re ready for the nursing home.

Old enemies: It’s okay to forget your old enemies. They’ll assume you forgave them.

Old friends: Friends don’t let friends forget.

The way home: Okay, this is serious. I recommend you sew your name and address into your clothes. If you get lost and can’t remember your way home, take out the address and hail a taxi. If you’re driving, use your car’s GPS. If you have a cellphone, use the map system. You can also ask for directions. Try this trick; draw a map on your stomach.

Eating: It’s okay to forget to eat occasionally. Forgetting to chew is more serious. If you’re like me, the problem isn’t forgetting to eat, it’s forgetting to stop eating.  

Cussing: Cussing is another thing that’s okay to forget. In fact, your family would probably like you to forget to cuss. Unfortunately, cussing is one of the last things people forget.

Putting the toilet seat down: Female/male dominance aside, forgetting to put the toilet seat down isn’t a big deal. However, forgetting to lift the lid is a big deal. It’s the sort of thing that will send you to the nursing home. Best advice is to use the shower; no seat, no lid.

Taking a shower: Most people won’t care if you forget to take a shower. Old folks are supposed to smell like old folks. In fact, I think there’s a deodorant for seniors that smells like old mothballs. Better yet, just carry mothballs in your pockets. If you don’t like the smell of mothballs, try fabric softener tissues.

Spelling: Everyone has forgotten how to spell, just like cursive writing. Just use spellchecker.
Where you parked your car: I hate forgetting where I parked. The best trick is to have a key fob with a locator button. Another trick is to have your significant other with you so one of you can remember where you parked.

Why you entered a room: This is another thing I hate. The best solution is to write on your hand what it is you are going for. If you forget to look at your hand, that’s a separate issue. If your hand turns black because it’s covered with reminders, that’s also a separate issue.

Significant other’s birthday: This is a big deal; not because it’s your soulmate, but because it’s the password to half of your stuff. Once again, sneak a peek at their driver’s license. It might be best if you made a copy of their license.

I’m sure there are other things best forgotten or remembered but these are my top picks.
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For e-books by me, visit http://smashwords.com/profile/view/monteranderson or Amazon.com
Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/monteranderson
Follow my blog at http://monteranderson-author.com or http://monteranderson.wordpress.com

A few years ago, I read with interest an article about the seven most common myths about the brain. In an ASAP Science video, Mitchell Moffit and Gregory Brown explained why they aren't true. I’ll just summarize the article. The myths are:
1. A bigger brain is better (smarter). Not true. Also false, big headed people have bigger brains or are smarter.
2. Alcohol kills brain cells. Not true, thank goodness. Drunk people may act brainless, like driving home, but that’s because alcohol crowds oit the oxygen the brain needs to think clearly.
3. Drugs create "holes" in your brain. Not true. Again, thank goodness.
4. The brain has 100 billion cells. Not true. The brain has only 86 billion brain cells. I get light headed thinking about it.
5. People use only 10% of your brain. Not true (unless you’re a politician).
6. People are either "left-brained" or "right-brained." Not true.
7. People have only five senses: sight, smell, taste, hearing, and touch. Also, not true. People also have a sense of balance, temperature, time, pain and proprioception (the body awareness that helps us not to walk into things all the time). Makes sense to me.

I believe that Moffit and Brown missed a few myths. As a public service, I will present them here:
1. A “No Brainer.” Not true. If someone’s a no brainer, meaning they have no brain, then they are a zombie. At least, I don’t think zombies have brains.
2. “Blow your mind” or be “mind blowing.” Again, not true. If something blows your mind, once again, you become a zombie.
3. “Mind altering” or “mind expanding.” Not true. You brain is what it is. Once you become an adult, it is fully grown. It may shrink as you grow older but won’t expand. “Mime” altering is something else entirely.
4. Eating cold ice cream will make your “brain freeze.” Not true. Opening the top of your head on a cold day will freeze your brain.
5. Your brain can get a “brain cramp” or a “brain fart”. “Not true. Muscles cramp, not brains. Brains can’t fart either. The correct term should be “senior moment’ which can occur at any age.
6. Some people have only “half a brain.” Okay, this one might be true, especially if you’re a politician. This phenomenon can be observed on the news all the time.
7. “A penny for your thoughts.” Due to inflation, the true cost is 26.5 cents for a thought. People who work for a penny a thought are under paid. This is especially true for writers and bloggers like me.
8. Someone can get “inside your head” or “mess with your head.” Not true unless you’re a surgeon. Alcohol can get into your head and mess with your head but not people. If you really want to mess with someone’s head just ask, “You’re not going to wear that, are you?”
9. People can be “brain dead.” This one’s true. When people are brain dead, the body soon follows, and they are declared totally dead. Once that happens, they are either buried, become zombies (see #1 above), get elected to congress or become a candidate for President.
10. People can be “scatter brained.” Not true. Your brain is contained in your scull and can’t scatter. This should not be confused with having your “brains scattered” by some horrible accident. 

Script for Undercover Agents on TV

I enjoy watching TV shows like NCIS, The Blacklist, The Rookie and Law and Order. If you are a fan, you know when the agents go undercover, they use ear buds that transmit and receive so they can communicate. Everyone knows that. So why is it that the mega-corporate outfits that are behind all the evil in the world (on TV) never bother to check in their ears when they do a pat down? Surely, at least one employee has a TV and watches the shows.    

I would like to see one scene that follows the script below:    
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KEN ENTERS. Ken: is a super undercover agent. Security stops him at the entrance of a meg-corporation (the one behind all evil in the world) after passing through the scanner.    
TINY sits at a desk in front of ken. She is a female ex-wrestler now working security.  
TINY: Sir, you just made my day.    
KEN: What seems to be the problem?    
TINY: Well, sir, our scanner indicated that you have a few items that you will have to leave here. You can pick them up when you leave the facility.    
KEN: Like what?
TINY: (chuckles) Let’s start with the pistol in your waistband.    
KEN: I have a permit to carry a concealed weapon. I have a constitutional right to bear arms.    
TINY: True. However, we have the right to keep you out of this private property if you have a weapon. Surrender the piece or leave.    
KEN: (removes pistol and places it on the desk) Okay. I forgot I even had it.   
TINY: The other one too.   
KEN: What other one?   
TINY: The one strapped to your right calf.    
KEN: (Removes second pistol) Now I feel naked.    
TINY: I wish. We don’t allow cellphone either. Leave your cellphone.     
Ken takes out his cellphone and places it on the desk.     
TINY: Now the other one.    
KEN: What other one?    
TINY: The one strapped to your left calf.    
Ken removes the second cellphone.     
TINY: Our scanner indicates that you have ear buds.    
KEN: No. No. That must be a false reading. I have nothing in my ears.    
TINY: If you insist. (yells) Max!    
ENTER MAXIMO, a former sumo wrestler now working security. He holds a large hand-held magnet to the side of Ken’s head. A small ear communication device pops out. He does the same to Ken’s other ear and another device pops out.    
KEN: Oh. You mean those?    
TINY: (giggling) Our scanner indicated that you have another device in your colon. Please remove that device too.    
KEN: Now that’s too much. That has to be a mistake.    
TINY: Okay, play it your way. Max!    
Maximo starts toward ken with the magnet.     
KEN: Oh, you know what? I think I am in the wrong place. I should be in the next building. I will just leave. Sorry for any inconvenience. Bye.    
TINY: God, I love this job.

You may have read Mitch Albom’s novel, The Five People You Meet in Heaven. With a wink and a nod to Mr. Albom, I now present The Five People You Meet in Hell. Sorry, it’s a blog not a novel – maybe later.

Okay, you screwed up and you know it. You are going to hell. No sweat, you say. You have many friends in hell, so you won’t be lonely. True. The company you keep puts you in hell. Here’s a clue; your enemies are there too, and they are waiting for you. Here are the five people who will meet you at the gates of hell when you arrive:

1. Your ex-girlfriend/ boyfriend and/or ex-spouse. Remember how you cheated on your significant other? You cheated. You lied about it. You confessed and promised never to do it again. Then you cheated again and lied again. You thought you got away this last time. Your ex knows what you did and will confront you in hell. What you don’t know is that you caused your ex to have a crisis about his/her sexuality. He/she blamed him/herself more than you. Your ex went into therapy. Finally, he/she had a sex change operation. Your ex then joined a commune to “find him/herself.” In a freak accident, your ex smoked some loco weed that looked like marijuana. It was fatal. With his/her dying breath, he/she swore revenge on you.

2. Your best friend from high school/college? You remember your best friend? You two vowed to be best friends forever. That was until you stabbed your BF in the back. You stole your BF’s girl/guy. You did it without a thought of how you hurt him/her. What you don’t know is that your BF had trust issue after that. He/she never trusted anyone again. He/she became very bitter and mean. With no friends, your BF sat alone at home watching reruns of Gillian’s Island. It wasn’t cable or satellite, because your BF did not trust the installer to show up at all. In a freak accident, your ex was killed by a flock of pigeons while feeding them.

3. Your old boss. You do remember your old boss? The one that didn’t give you that bonus or promotion. He said you did not achieve the goals he set for you. He said you wasted time playing games on the computer and taking naps in the stockroom. It was all true. What you don’t know is that he didn’t get a bonus or promotion either. Your failure caused him to fail too. Eventually, the company fired him for poor performance. He couldn’t get another job because he couldn’t get a referral. The industry blackballed him. He became homeless and wandered around aimlessly – without goals. In a tragic accident, he was cooked to death due to a malfunction in the heating grate he was sleeping on. Investigators found your name scribbled on the side of his cardboard box with the words, “I’ll see you in hell.”

4. Your old schoolteacher. You must remember your old schoolteacher – the one that you caused to have a nervous breakdown? She was a 30-year veteran but had never met anyone as bad as you. She even told you to your face if you ever go to hell, she would find you and kill you -- again. What you may not know is she gave up teaching and joined a street gang. For several years, she committed drive by shootings of students. When her eyesight failed, she retired to a rural area in Montana. A black bear killed her when she tried to spank it after it climbed into her apple tree. She thought it was you. The police found a picture of you with your eyes gouged out in her cabin.

5. Jack Hodges. You remember Jack Hodges? Probably not. Everyone remembers him as One-eyed Jack. Your mom always told you not to throw pencils but when Jack asked to borrow a pencil, you threw it. Sure enough, he lost an eye. That was bad enough, but what you don’t know was worst. People bullied and teased One-eyed Jack the rest of his life. He finally had enough and chose a life of crime. One day the police caught up with him, and he died in a hail of bullets. The police said that with his dying breath, he said it was all your fault.
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So, have fun in hell.

The year 2022 is the year I turn the big seven-five--not looking forward to it. I’m already having memory issues. I’m trying to deal with them. Remembering things becomes a challenge as we get older -- I understand that. My memory was never very good anyway. I once told my family to raise a finger for each time they heard a joke I was about to repeat. Many times, they raised both hands and flashed ten fingers at me. The other day I told a joke and screwed up the punch line -- a rare thing for me.

In my experience, there seems to be three types of memory lost: the first is a total loss of memory of particular names, events or scheduled events; the second is a mixed match of memories (not remembering correctly or mixing two separate events together); and finally, false memories (remembering things that never happened – duh).

To help myself remember (total loss) or remind myself of future events, I post notes to remind myself, mark up my calendar and use visual aids. I put them on my computer, refrigerator, and kitchen counters. I even put outgoing mail or other items near the door where I’ll see it as I leave the house. I do struggle with names, but then, I always did. I often run into a person I haven’t seen for a while and can’t remember their name. When we had dogs, I have on a couple of occasions, let the dogs out and forgot to let them back in. They growled at me for two days. I don’t mind so much forgetting some events; somethings are better off forgotten.

Sometimes I would relate antidotes about friends only to be corrected and told I had the wrong person in the story or got the facts wrong. Now when I tell a story, I just say it happened to someone I know. Years ago, I told one humorous story to so many people that when I ran into the subject of the story and was told it wasn’t him but was someone else, I asked him not to tell anyone.
What I really hate is remembering things that never happened. For example, I was trying to remember if I took my morning meds and decided that I did. Later, I discovered that I hadn’t taken them. I was remembering something that never happened. Sometimes my wife will ask if I saw a particular TV show or movie and I’ll say I did only to discover later that I hadn’t seen it at all – a false memory.

As we grow older, our memories are often the best things we have. I hate losing them. They say the memory is the second thing to go as you get old. I forgot what the first thing was. I thought I’d better write this article before I forgetaboutit.

THE END

DISCALIMER; This blog is intended as a satire and should not be taken seriously. Don’t attempt to follow these tips. Just follow my blog.
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With #gasolineprices of going off the charts, here are some tips to save money on gas:

1. Siphon gas from your neighbors’ cars. This could lead to dangerous confrontations, so do it in the dead of night while wearing ninja clothing. Of course, it stands to reason not to leave gas in your vehicles when parked outside overnight.
2. Don’t drive at excessive speeds. If anyone honks, just turn on your turn signal and leave it on. 
3. Put the car in neutral when driving downhill. Better yet, drive only downhill.
4. Have your family and friends push your vehicle.
5. Place a sail on your vehicle to take advantage of the free wind.
6. Don’t idle your vehicle while parked.
7. Turn off your vehicle’s air conditioning, radio and all other devices.
8. Tailgate behind large trucks so they break the wind and drag your vehicle with suction. Hey, ducks do it.
9. Dead weight will increase consumption of gas. Get rid of excess weight like doors, windshields, windows, passenger seats, hoods, trunks, paint, and seatbelts.
10. Harness several dogs to your vehicle and have them pull you.

I hope these tips help you to save money on the price of gasoline. 

An international team of researchers from Denmark, Switzerland, France, Germany, Norway and the Czech Republic have translated pig grunts into emotions, successfully decoding a pig's emotions after analyzing over 7,000 acoustic recordings of grunts from over 400 pigs. (Sounds like an old joke.) I’m glad that our own government didn’t fund this endeavor. Of course, Tim Allen was way ahead with his stand-up comedy act. He decoded pig grunts for us years ago. There’s no truth to the rumor that Tim Allen was consulted for this project. I’m surprised that England wasn’t involved. Winston Churchill once said, “I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
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I’m sure that somewhere in this world there’re some people who eagerly want to hear what their pigs have to say. You can bet for pig farmers it won’t be nice. For those who have pigs as pets, (I’m talking about real pigs not husbands here.) it will probably be good. I, for one, can wait to find out what pigs think of us. It’s like explaining the difference between “being committed” and being “involved”. It’s like bacon and eggs; the chicken is involved, but the pig is committed.

We can only hope that Copenhagen will publish a translation book for wives, so they’ll understand us men better. Maybe there needs to be a book for men, so we can communicate better with our wives. We can only hope.